I was recently invited to a wedding of an acquaintance who I had previously been close to, but we had drifted apart over time so I was surprised to get an invitation considering I’d never met the groom.

This wedding will be the bride’s third and groom’s second and due to blended families, custody arrangements and holiday time will take place the week between Christmas and New Year. The wedding will also be at the same venue where I got married 3 years ago where the bride was a guest. I thought that was a bit strange but they say imitation is the highest form of flattery.

For a number of reasons I was going to politely decline. The time of year and the cost involved vs my relationship with the couple were big factors. E-hell has taught me an invitation is not a summons. The invitation included a RSVP card but no return envelope so I was planning on sending a wedding card with the RSVP inside.

Three weeks before the RSVP date, the groom created a Facebook messenger group chat (the bride added me as I’m not friends with the groom) and for the purpose of chasing up RSVPs. A mutual friend and I were not impressed with this because it presumed we would be rude and wouldn’t RSVP and a group ‘conversation’ wasn’t really the place where we wanted to respond.

This also caused problems for the happy couple as the conversation thread had responses where some people confirmed they would be coming along with their children. The bride had indicated to me it was just DH and I invited, not my kids. The bride then had to write a response hoping not to offend anyone but that only the children of interstate guests and the bridal party were invited due to high travel and accommodation costs at that time of year. She also hoped that local guests would be able to find a babysitter for one night but if it was a problem then we could ‘work something out’. At my wedding the bride’s children were fed and looked after in an adjacent room by a babysitter I’d organised.

I didn’t respond to the group message and sent my RSVP in a congratulatory wedding card as originally intended. 1117-17

It can be controversial as to the appropriateness of tracking down missing RSVPs.   You shouldn’t  have to track down invited guests who did not RSVP. The assumption is that they are not coming to the wedding and tracking them down can be viewed as manipulative or pushy.   On the other hand, too many of us have seen weddings where guests who did not RSVP and so catering and seating were decided based on the assumption.  And those guests show up exclaiming, “I thought you knew I’d come.”  As if hosts are psychic and can read minds.

The egregious faux pas in this story is the creation of a Facebook chat group thus exposing everyone on it as being the rude wedding guests who havn’t RSVPed yet.   If you have track them down, do it privately either private message, email or phone call.   Three weeks before the wedding is probably too premature to be tracking down RSVPs.  Caterers need a week’s notice of guest numbers, typically, so starting 2 weeks before the wedding is usual.


Not so much a question, but a query for the readers and of course, our dear Dame of Manners:

Recently, during an online discussion, someone brought up the fact they wore leggings to a funeral (leggings of course being a tight leg covering more often equated with casual wear or work outs, usually tighter than pants). Now, they discussed this in terms of the leggings tearing, leaving them ‘exposed’, so I gathered from that it wasn’t as an ‘accessory’ clothing item, such as under a skirt, dress or shorts, but just the leggings themselves.

While I’m more…casual about etiquette rules than my Grandmother (who taught me my manners and was born in the 1930’s, so quite ‘old school’), the idea of wearing leggings to a funeral short circuited my brain for a moment as I tried to figure out how someone could think this was appropriate (I know, very judgmental of me) and made me want to question you guys, my fellow etiquette practitioners…was I wrong in thinking leggings were not appropriate funeral attire? And again, I don’t mean as a simple leg covering with another garment of clothing, I mean just leggings, hanging out there. I was taught you dress nicely, modestly and subdued as an honor to the deceased and their family, maybe with a splash of colour if the deceased would have appreciated it, but never less than full pants/shirt, skirt/blouse or dress.

Have I fallen into the trap of not ‘updating’ with the times (dear lord, I’m only thirty-six, I hope not!)

Thanks! 0408-17

When I think of leggings, I think of those LulaRoe leggings in the outlandish colors and patterns.   Great to wear in certain contexts but not something appropriate to wear to a wedding or funeral.   On the bland side, I did see a woman wearing what I first thought was a pair of panty hose and only realized on better scrutiny that she was wearing flesh toned leggings.   Frankly it looked like she had walked out of her house forgetting to put her skirt on.


Feel Good Friday – Ke Kai O Kahiki

by admin on May 18, 2018

Why this video this Friday?

1. O’Brian Eselu’s halua won first place in the Men’s Kahiko (ancient hula) division in the 2009 Merrie Monarch Festival (basically the Olympics of hula) so you should acquaint yourself with a knowledge of the best of the best different cultures have to offer. This is about as good as it gets.

2. To expand your knowledge of other cultures. Hula was nearly wiped out and is enjoying a huge resurgence. Further, hula was originally the sole domain of men, often warriors, contrary to the stereotype that only women dance hula.

3. Not to mention that these men are mighty fine looking and dance very well.


Wedding Wednesday – Worst Mother Of the Bride Ever

May 16, 2018

This is a bit of a long story; I’ll try to keep it as short as possible without omitting anything relevant. I met my husband eight years ago. We were on a work trip, it was as if we’d known each other forever, and we just clicked. He took a transfer to my city six […]

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Uninvited Guests With Entitlement Mentality

May 15, 2018

Years ago, my husband and I lived in a different state from his old roommate, “Lorne.” Lorne and his wife, “Karen,” had a toddler son (“Andy”) at this time. We corresponded from time to time via phone and letter (this was in the days before cell phones and the Internet). Of course, sprinkled into our […]

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