This is a tale to warn against gossip and also the importance of bringing up delicate subjects at an appropriate time.
My Grandmother was one of five children. Each sibling had two children, with a total of 10 cousins. My mother was fairly close with most of her cousins growing up, as a majority lived nearby. As the years have gone by everyone has moved away and now my grandmother and all of her siblings have passed on. It is very rare that we see or hear from these cousins for no reason other than just life has moved everyone onto different seasons in their life.
One such cousin is very interested in genealogy. He has spent years tracing our family back (he’s gotten as far back as the 1400’s at this point!). He is registered on a prominent genealogical web site and has our entire family tree listed there. I find it all fascinating and appreciate his efforts!
He was contacted recently by someone on this site, looking for her parents. She had been given up for adoption in the early 70’s and because it was a private adoption, never knew the identity of her parents. She did a DNA test provided by this site and they linked her as a direct descendant of one of the 10 cousins on the family tree.
This cousin contacted my mother to hear her thoughts about it. The child was adopted in a city that only 2 cousins ever resided in, which is several hours away from any place the other cousins lived. It is safe to narrow down the potential parents to one of these two cousins (who are siblings). The female cousin was in her late 20’s and married at the time the adoption took place, and she went on to have other children shortly after, so odds are it isn’t her. The other sibling is male and would have been 16 at the time. Odds are he is the father and, considering the time in which this took place along with the VERY conservative locale, I imagine the girl was sent off somewhere and it’s possible he never even knew she was pregnant.
The cousin and my mother felt they had solved the mystery pretty solidly, as they recalled what the other cousins were doing and where they were during this time. Most were female and since they all saw each other on a regular basis a pregnancy or large absence would have definitely been noticed.
They debated about what to do. They understood it was possible that he DID know about the child and chose not to be involved. However, if he had no knowledge would he want to know? How would his wife and children handle the news? They finally decided that ethically he had a responsibility to tell his cousin that this person had contacted him and to leave the decision in his hands how he wanted to proceed.
He sent him an email and forwarded the emails he had received. He never received a response. Not wanting to press things, he left it at that.
Fast forward 6 months later and these two siblings’ mother passed away (the last remaining). All of the cousins would be attending the funeral. On the way to the funeral my aunt, who is not blood related), asks my mom if she plans to talk to her cousin about the situation. My mother had shared with her the situation when it had come up 6 months earlier. My mother replied absolutely not! His mother’s funeral is not the appropriate place to discuss this matter.
Later on at the funeral my aunt brought up the topic to said cousin. My mother stood there with her mouth agape, embarrassed to have ever shared this detail with her. The cousin blew it off, acting like he didn’t really know what she was talking about. I’m sure he was mortified.
We still don’t know the result of that situation. 0215-18
Category: Funerals
Reverend Nut Job And The Funeral
One of my coworkers was married to a woman “Jane” who was mentally ill and had serious physical problems as well. Jane called her husband at work so often that he stopped answering his personal phone line. She then started calling the group phone number and talking at length to whomever answered. Her favorite topics were the details of her unending medical problems, what a genius her husband was, and that she knew he was cheating on her (he was not).
When Jane died somewhat unexpectedly, my work group attended her funeral. We sat with other mourners in the sanctuary. The family was sequestered in a room off to the side.
Jane belonged to a hardcore fundamentalist sect. The remarks made by her preacher during the service left those of us in the sanctuary with our mouths hanging open in shock. We were unable to see the reaction of the family.
Reverend Nutjob stated that Jane had had her share of trouble, but had been the source of much trouble for others. He described in detail how Jane had phoned him frequently, day and night. He said that he often cried to the Lord, “Why have you inflicted this woman upon me?” Smiling blissfully, he informed us that now that Jane was dead, he understood God’s message: if you truly believe, God will eventually remove even your worst troubles.
He also spoke at length about religious matters unrelated to Jane’s life or death. He proclaimed that we should get ourselves straight because he knew for a fact that Jesus was coming back within the next two years. (I hope he didn’t sell all his possessions, because it’s been four years now.) He informed us that according to the Bible, Heaven is a cube one mile wide, one mile deep, and one mile high. (That sounds barely big enough to hold Reverend Nutjob’s ego. I guess the rest of the universe is needed to hold all the sinners – like those who know better than to express delight over a person’s death at the funeral.) 0318-09
Death Donations
I have a question about funeral etiquette that I would like cleared up. Although its something I (very fortunately) do not have to deal with at the moment, I have seen it in obituaries and am confused on the appropriateness.
In just about every obituary I have seen in the past few years, there is a line that will say, “In lieu of flowers, please donate to…” and there is usually a charity, college fund for the deceased’s child(ren), a fund for funeral expenses, etc.
I feel that this turns funerals into a gimme grab. How is it any different than a bride and groom saying they prefer cash to gifts on their wedding invitations? Or enclosing registry cards for a baby shower?
When my child’s father died, his mother requested that in lieu of flowers, people donate to the building fund for her church. Not only was he not a member of that church, he was a strict atheist! His friends–myself included (pregnant with his child at the time)– were not allowed to attend his funeral and pay our last respects to him, but she wanted to make sure we contributed to that church fund! Ever since then, the practice has left a terrible taste in my mouth, but because it concerns families in mourning, I understand I may be wrong.
(For the record, I am not an atheist, but a very happy Christian who is secure in her faith.) 0502-16
I’m curious as to how certain people could be restricted from attending a funeral. Are there bouncers outside the building with a ban list of unapproved people who are not allowed admittance? I can see not inviting specific people to sit in the family pews where the primary mourners are seated but blocking people at the door? Never heard of it.
My thoughts on donation seeking using the death of someone are thus: It’s one thing to request donations to the deceased’s favorite charity. Requesting that mourners honor the memory of the deceased with a charitable donation to their favorite charity instead of buying flowers that will die directs money in such a way as to be a final legacy in the deceased’s name. I’m widely known among family and acquaintances for my passion for two charities and it wouldn’t be surprising if everyone were asked to honor my life with a donation to a charity I loved.
It’s an entirely different thing to request donations in the deceased’s name for a project/charity the deceased had no connection to whatsoever. That’s exploitation of the situation to fund one’s own pet charities.
As for requesting money to pay for the funeral, in my opinion this is shameful because it exposes the deceased as someone who did not make arrangements for life’s final act thus putting family in such dire financial staits that money must be begged to pay for it. I’m particular horrified when the deceased left a sizeable inheritance yet the survivors use GoFundMe to pay for the funeral. Funerals are much like weddings in that there is a difference between needs and wants and the cost can vary considerably depending on what one considers to be a need. There are choices to be made that all add up to an expensive funeral….limo to and from grave side, teak/mahogany caskets, food for a reception, large tombstones,etc. Asking people to donate for a $16,000.00 funeral takes a lot of hubris, in my opinion, when there are cheaper options available.
Inheritance Hell Doesn’t Have To End Hellishly
A few months ago a reader messaged me asking why there were so few stories on Ehell about probate of Wills and inheritance. This person made the observation, which I agree with, that inheritances and probate of the Will seems to be far more fraught with drama than even weddings. I don’t have a reason why there have been so few story contributions over the years about nasty, divisive, contentious battles over the contents of Wills or how executors settle the estate or how families fight tooth and nail over the deceased’s possessions.
My own story of inheritance hell happened 7 years ago after the death of my father. I did not want to talk about it publicly for several years because the process of obtaining justice was long and physical/emotionally exhausting. Long story short, my eldest brother was the executor of my father’s estate who refused to be transparent about details of the probate, he financially exploited both vulnerable parents and he embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from the estate and perjured himself to cover the embezzlement. The case file currently residing in a state superior court is 4 inches thick so a few sentences doesn’t begin to cover every instance of the drama. Towards the end of our father’s life, my brother had attempted to have Dad’s Will changed to make him the sole heir, an action Dad’s attorney refused to do. Thwarted, he emailed me and youngest brother demanding that we sign over 100% of our shares of the estate immediately or else he would place Dad in an assisted living facility (something Dad did not want). For some reason this demand was not made to the second oldest brother who, upon hearing of it, promptly made airplane reservations with the intent to have his brother removed as Dad’s caretaker. Dad died 36 hours after the email demand and before my second brother could get there.
Another example of his exploitation was that he took our mother, who had been in an assisted living facility with dementia for years, to her lawyer claiming she wanted to change her Durable Power of Attorney to make him the attorney-in-fact (replacing my two other brothers) and change her Will to make him the sole inheritor. Her attorney wisely and ethically declined to make any changes and alerted my youngest brother, the long-time attorney-in-fact, of the attempt. Once he discovered that he could not exploit our mother, my eldest brother never visited her again in the following five years until her death despite living less than a mile from her. That action sealed my eldest brother’s fate within our extended family and every sibling, aunt, uncle, cousin, niece, nephew, even his own son, cut him completely from the family like a cancer. He’s so despised by some family members that his name is not said, he’s referred to as HWSNBN (He who shall not be named).
I was the person who discovered the embezzlement after I had our attorney subpoena our father’s and the estate’s bank account statements. At the trial, I was given the honor of being the last witness so as to deliver the coup de grace evidence. I sat there and, one by one, line by line, documented every single instance of how my brother had claimed XX dollar amount for expenses in the Probate Final Accounting (filed under penalty of perjury) whereas the bank statements told a different tale. The look on the attorney’s face was priceless. The judge had warned us to not engage in ad hominem statements yet faced with the overwhelming evidence that there was no legal rebuttal that could be made, my brother insisted that his lawyer make an ad hominem attack on me during the cross examination. We could see the lawyer whispering angrily to him and brother insisting. Lawyer did as he was paid to do. I had hired a very good attorney and he did a splendid job keeping us focused. We kept a straight poker face until out of sight of HWSNBN and then my second brother and the attorney started whooping with joy and high fiving while I was still emotionally reeling from the ad hominem dart thrown my way. They LOVED the ad hominem comment because it meant we WON! And win we did..big time. It was a total victory.
On reflection, one wonders what motivates someone to act this way. It wasn’t for a lack of money. Eldest brother received a double share of the estate per the Will and he was the sole survivor on several joint bank accounts and investment CDs. His inheritance was quadruple what the other 3 siblings received. So why the greed to have it all? What showed up repeatedly in the court documents he filed was his belief that he was the righteous son who was the only who deserved his father’s inheritance whereas his siblings were only grudgingly tolerated by our father. It’s classic narcissism. Dad’s handwritten letters to me told a much different story of a loving, forgiving, generous father.
While inheritance hell is not something I want to do again, there is a positive outcome other than the obvious justice in dispersing the estate as the deceased intended. The situation exposed my oldest brother as the lying, divisive element in the family over the past decades and as people began to realize this truth there were reconciliations, more in-depth talks, more expressions of love and more family unity than anytime prior to Dad’s death. Once the cancer had been cut from the family, the family became healthier and continues to this day. And despite the drama, I am the only family member to have very minimal contact with eldest brother who, in turn, wants nothing to do with what he views as his greedy, evil siblings.
Wedding Wednesday – When Death Precedes A Wedding
I was wondering if you and your readers could offer your opinions for me. I was perusing a wedding site, and there was an article about “What to do if someone dies on your wedding day”. Essentially, the poster’s grandma had passed the morning of her wedding, and the FOB called her to tell her. She now says that she wished she’d been told the next day, or lied to about what happened.
What would be the etiquette on this? I feel as though you should be told, but that is just me? 0318-17
In this age of social media, the bride would have known about her grandmother’s death by reading about it from friend’s and family’s Facebook post or tweet. Far better and more appropriate to learn of the news from her father early in the day.
A similar situation happened in my family many years ago. The son of longtime family friends was getting married. A week before the wedding, on a Saturday, the groom’s father had a fatal heart attack. It was shocking and unexpected. There were discussions as to whether to postpone the wedding but the decision was made to continue with the plans. It was a large wedding and many guests were traveling from out of state to attend, all deposits had been made and were not refundable. While a tragedy for the groom’s side of the family, the bride’s family and guests were not emotionally impacted by the death other than being sympathetic to the grief of the groom and his family.
The funeral was held on the following Wednesday and the wedding events commenced on Friday with the rehearsal and dinner and wedding and reception on Saturday. Usual wedding antics like a bachelor party were subdued and there was some solemnity on the wedding day. I’m certain Doug would have wanted his son to not postpone the long awaited wedding.