I just wondered, do you have any guidance on what constitutes a reasonable request, versus begging? Below is the second email I’ve received via the school email list, asking for donations for this family, who recently had a house fire. When I received the first email, I clicked the link, thinking I could surely come up with some blankets, or cookware, or something to help them, and found that all the donation options are for cash amounts.
As some background, this is quite a well-to-do school district. Every house on the street where the fire was has an estimated value on Zillow of over $650k. While it’s possible that the family owned the house outright and/or carried minimal insurance, I very seriously doubt that’s the case (the donation site even mentioned that they were looking for donations to help them while they waited for insuance items to be sorted out.)
As I said, my first instinct was charitable – to help them though the first few days before insurance kicked in with food or goods, but when I saw the only donation format possible was cash (while I know that cash is certainly helpful) my feelings changed. Personally, I’d be thankful for unsolicited gifts from family and friends, but I’d be horrified if I found the school district was begging for cash on my behalf. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like asking for cash for this family is over-the-top? 0124-19
Category: Gimme
Re-Couping The Cost of The Coop
This happened a couple of years ago, but it still amazes me. My soon to be ex-sister in law “Sandy” was getting divorced from my husband’s brother after many years of marriage. This was all amicable on their part and we were still friendly with her. Sandy was a bit entitled though, and over the years had asked me for free art and design services. I always tried to help her when I could because she was family, but she could be quite demanding and acted like she had actually “hired” me (plus the art/design thing is a side gig-not my full-time job). I learned very quickly to never order fabric or wallpaper for her though, because she tended to be slow in repaying me.So fast forward to my husband building a nice chicken coop (on wheels) that we could move around our yard. It matches our house-right down to the siding and roof (he used leftover lumber/materials from when we built our house). She saw it on social media and messages me after months of no contact wanting one for her son. I replied with OK-I will have to ask my husband and get back with her. I ask him, and he begrudgingly says yes …. but tells me that he really doesn’t think she wants it for our nephew, and she will have to buy all the lumber/supplies before he makes it (approximately $300.00-$400.00), but he will not charge her labor. That seems fair to me, so I call her and tell her this. I get dead silence on the phone…. followed with, “Why do I have to buy the lumber and supplies? Can’t we use some of the lumber leftover from when we built our house to make her one too?” My reply-“No, we don’t have enough lumber for that.” Then she asks can we buy the lumber/supplies and she will pay us, and my reply to that was also no. I ended the call with “think about it and get back with me”. She never did get back with me. She got her mother to buy the nephew a pre-made coop that lasted for about 4 months before they no longer had an interest in chickens, and she gave it away. 0107-19
Yeah, there are people in this world who think supplies and materials grows on trees and magically appears when asked for.
In regards to Sandy’s “quite demanding” behavior and “acting like she had actually ‘hired’ ” you, in the rare situations where I have donated my services and labor and in return I’ve been treated like the hired help, my standard reply is, “I”m sorry but the privilege of speaking to me in that manner will cost you $XXXXX.” You want to talk down to me like the hired help? That will cost you.
The New Trend In Birthday Parties Makes Poor Sense
So, what is the newest and “best birthday party trend” ever? It’s the Fiver Party…
“Archie is having a fiver party! He really wants a (name big ticket gift item) so instead of bringing him a gift, please pop a $5 note in a card to go towards this. He’s very excited! Thank you.”
Instead of inviting your child’s little friends and classmates to a birthday party where gifts are purchased and given to the birthday child, the invitation instructs the parent to place a $5 bill in a card to be given to the birthday child to pay for a single expensive gift. If $5 isn’t enough to cover the cost of that big ticket gift, there is such a thing as a “tenner party”. Yep, guests bring a $10 bill.
Lana Hallowes, writing for Babyology.com, details a few of the advantages she sees in this new trend:
1. It’s easy on parents. No more needing to dash to the shops to buy a present and then wondering if the birthday girl already has a rainbow My Little Pony or too much Duplo.
2. It’s budget friendly. If your child gets invited to lots of parties and you spend say $20 each time on a gift, it adds up, especially when little ones start school and the ENTIRE class is invited to the parties.
3. It removes the expectation of ‘stuff’ from birthdays. It teaches kids that parties are about friends and having fun, not piles of presents. It also teaches them the value of saving for something that they really want.
4. It’s environmentally friendly. How many toys end up in landfill after being loved for a period of time and then ignored?
5. It cuts down on toy clutter. t Fewer toys mean fewer things to have to toss, give away or donate to charity when the time comes.
6. The child gets one big and exciting present that they’ve been dreaming about. Not lots of little cheap ones that break and have bits that get lost.
The irony, if you read to the end of the article, is that Ms. Hallowes not only gives her son’s friend $5 but also a small gift which included stickers. Yet another cluttery gift that will end up in a landfill.
But let’s break down those alleged “pros” of having a fiver party…
1. It’s easy on the parents of the birthday child because they are not obligated to bear the entire financial burden of providing their child a big ticket gift. Crowd sourcing the funding to get your kid nice things is easy!
2. It’s one thing when guests take the initiative to get together and pool their money to buy one gift thus being more budget friendly. It’s entirely another issue when parents of the recipient orchestrate the collection of money to benefit a family member.
3. It adds the expectation that birthday = money and that you can corral your friends into funding big ticket items. Five or ten dollars may be a sufficient amount of money at age 5 but by teen years, that dollar amount will increase. It teaches kids that friends are to be used to fund raise and the more “friends” you invite, the more money you get. It teaches them nothing about the value of saving since the concept of saving implies sacrifice, work and frugality to achieve the necessary funds to pay for what you desire. This is not to be confused with what is actually happening at a fiver party, i.e. that it is a fund raiser.
4. Recycle toys. There is a huge industry in selling second hand toys in consignment shops. And if playing the “let’s be environmental friendly” card, be sure your adult hobbies, work are just as environmentally friendly.
5. Books make great gifts, too. There are children who request donations to their favorite charity, Operation Christmas Child shoeboxes or a food pantry for example, instead of personal gifts. How about a “canner party” where guests bring their favorite canned food item to be given to the local food bank?
6. The child may get one big and exciting present but it did not come from the parents who clearly needed the financial assistance from others. The parents did not model saving, personal sacrifice and a hard work ethic to their child but rather how best to extract cash from people to get what you want.
Special Snowflakes Want Your Jam, Cookies, Pickles, Fudge For Free
This seems to come up during the holidays with me and I was wondering if anyone else has this problem. I bake and can well enough that people ask me if they can either buy baked goods (usually cakes or decorated cookies), or canned items (pickles or jam). This falls into 3 different groups of people:
The people that expect to pay a fair price for the item made. They understand that my time is valuable and that I have a skill that they may not have. They do not balk or ask for discounts or freebies. These customers and friends are appreciative of the amount of work that goes into making a cake, cookie, jam or pickle.
The people that balk at the price and ask for a discount, or in this case the recipe. I had a person balk at the price of a jar of pickles, and then ask for the recipe so she could just “make it herself”. This was after she had explained she could not cook. I gave her “part” of the recipe, and then she complained that the pickles did not “turn out”.
I’ve also had people say-it’s just a jar of jam, can’t I get a discount. Someone said this to me once and I had just met them! I used to explain the time and expense involved in making things, but the people asking for a discount have no clue how to make the things I do and their eyes either glaze over in boredom, or they tried to argue with me on how deserving they were of a discount. I always respond now with “that will not be possible”.
The people that ask for “free”! Many years ago, when I first started canning, I had a neighbor ask for peach jam. I gave him a pint of jam and he went home. The next day he came back and asked for another jar, so I asked what happened to the last jar-from the day before. His reply was he ate the jar of jam with a spoon the night before and it was so good he wanted more. At that point I told him it took me several hours to make that jam and I had about $4.00 in supplies (not counting time), and no- he needed to go home. His reply ….” it’s just jam”! He never got any more jam from me, and luckily, they finally moved away.
How does everyone else handle these situations? 1206-18
I think you are handling it quite well. I get the same thing only with crafts and some confections. I make a one-of-a-kind Christmas ornament using paper to make 3 dimensional diorama shadow boxes. A few of them have tiny HO gauge train figures in them. I make them for me or family or a few select friends but never for sale. Last year someone asked me straightforward if I would give her a specific one that had 2 HO figures in it. Those HO figures are not exactly cheap and if I were to sell these ornaments, they would be $25 each, minimum. No offer to buy it, she just wanted me to give it to her. I demurred saying that my season of Christmas crafting is done for the year and I won’t be making any more until next December. She has, so far,not reminded me of this.
I smile and ignore people who outright ask me to give them something I have made and then I vow to not to talk about my baking plans in front of them ever again.
I Lost Weight…..Now Gimme!
A friend of mine, Jenny (not her real name), lost 186lbs / 84.36 Kg over 19 months after weight loss surgery. Then she had two surgeries that included a bunch of loose skin removal, a breast lift, a butt lift, and a tummy tuck.
She has gone from being a very overweight woman to a size 6 and is overjoyed. She is training to run a half marathons and doing Crossfit. She says she feels better than she ever has and she’s thinner than she was in high school. We are all so happy for her. It is great to see her having so much energy and drive.
The only damper on my happiness for her is I’m starting to feel like her friends and family have become her spare piggy bank.
First was the GoFundMe to raise money for her surgeries. That didn’t seem so outrageous. She talked about how the skin pulled and moved when she was working out. How she was getting heat rash under the skin folds when she wore compression gear to keep it from moving around. How the weight of the loose skin on her belly was so heavy it made her lower back ache after standing for 20 minutes.
She also explained how it’s almost impossible to get insurance to cover skin removal surgery. They classify it as cosmetic despite the skin infections and problems often associated with it. All together the surgeries cost something like $12,000 and she just couldn’t afford that. So her friends and family banded together. We donated just over $10,000. She had the surgeries.
Next came a call for gift cards to Macy’s. None of her work clothes fit her any more. And since the GoFundMe didn’t raise all $12,000 for the surgery, she’d wiped out her savings to cover the remaining $2,000. Now she simply didn’t have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe.
She works in a professional environment (not business casual) and she only had three outfits to wear. Two of them items from before the weight loss that she’d taken to a local dry cleaner for alterations to fit her new figure. Basically she stated she needed new foundation garments and new work outfits.
She really likes how one of the lines carried by Macy’s fits her new body.
So she asked if people could please send her Macy’s gift cards.Her friends and family sent her the gift cards. I don’t know how much she received in total. But she did post a picture of her bed covered in new blouses, skirts, pants, a couple blazers, plus several matching bra and panty sets. It was enough for her to buy a new work wardrobe.
About a month after the request for Macy’s gift cards came a new request. She stated that she is 36 and determined to get married before she is 40. So it’s time to start dating! BUT, she doesn’t have any sexy dating / night on the town outfits. She decided to host a wine tasting & game board party as a fundraiser. She provided 12 different wines to taste, plus some healthy nibbles. The fundraiser portion she called “fill the jug”. She had one of those big water jugs that go into office water coolers. She encouraged people to bring all their loose change to the party, plus any folding money they were willing to add to the pot, to “fill the jug”. She drew lines on the jug and as each new line was reached, she’d bring out a new wine for everyone to try. The jug got a little over half filled. 7 of the 12 wines made an appearance at the party. And she used that money to go out and buy a bunch of “husband catching” outfits and lingerie
I know that medical bills are very expensive and so are new clothes. But she’s a working adult with a professional job. It’s not like her house was wiped out by a fire or she’s a struggling single mom trying to make ends meet. She an upper middle class woman in her mid 30’s who has lost a lot of weight.
Is it really the obligation of her friends and family to fill her closet with “new clothes for” her “new me”? Am I being unreasonable feeling like she’s now taking advantage of her friend’s and family’s generosity? 1015-18