My family and I went to our local zoo to see Christmas lights this year. The event is very popular and each night has thousands in attendance. My question concerns picture etiquette. Other than one area that charged visitors to take a picture on Santa’s sleigh, there were no official picture spots. Many people took pictures in front of the various light displays and most tried to be courteous of others (e.g. being efficient, waiting their turn, etc…)
There was a 10+ feet light tunnel that was a very popular picture spot. Some folks lined up at one end to take pictures at that end of the tunnel. A few people became angry when some visitors wanted to walk through the tunnel because then their picture had people in the background. Some visitors started taking pictures at the other end of the tunnel. The same group of angry people became even angrier. Others entered the tunnel to enjoy the lights from the other end of the tunnel (not where people were lined up). As you would imagine, the same angry people were irate. They shouted at an elderly woman who was walking carefully through the tunnel with her cane. They shouted at a grandmother who was carrying her granddaughter through the tunnel. They even grouped up behind some kids who were standing for a picture with the intent to ruin the picture because they were upset they were at the ‘wrong end’ of the tunnel.
As I mentioned earlier, none of the displays were official picture spots so there were no signs with instructions or a zoo employee present to regulate use of the tunnel. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I do not think anyone has a right to expect or demand other visitors use the tunnel the way they prefer. Yes, it would be nice if everyone could get that perfect picture in the tunnel (it really was beautiful), but given the number of visitors and the absence of regulation by the zoo, it seems unreasonable and impractical to expect visitors to line up at one end to enter one by one (or by pairs or families).
What was amusing was the many people who they yelled at simply ignored them and went about their business, whether it was strolling through the tunnel, stopping to admire or (heaven forbid) take a picture at the ‘wrong end’ of the tunnel. 1221-17
Category: Holiday Hell
When Presents Become More Important Than Presence
Ah, giving at Christmas. I was reminded of this:
My husband’s surviving family is pretty scattered and we lived close to only one of his siblings (his parents had already died) and her grown family, and some of her kids eventually moved away, but always came home for Christmas. I should explain that these nieces and nephews are all about my husband’s age. After my husband’s sister died, her big holiday celebration moved to one of her grown kids’ houses not far from our town, and just as she did, they invited my husband, me, our grown kids, and their spouses/kids. At first I took small presents for the nieces and nephews and the half dozen great-nieces and great-nephews, but the greats started having spouses/kids, too, and the gift list started getting massive. We still had some on my side to buy for, and besides, my husband had quite a bit of family living away from us that we didn’t buy for, so it seemed only fair to stop giving to extended family altogether, instead of favoring one branch anymore. On the second year of this gathering I handed over small gifts, while telling each couple that we didn’t think we should exchange any more, as the family was growing so large, and it seemed to us to be too much to expect them to give gifts to us (their aunt, uncle, cousins, cousins-in-law and cousins’ kids) when they had so many in their immediate family to give to already. We truly felt that way, too – it wasn’t just us having to buy a lot of gifts, they were too. They always protested that they liked to give, but I kept requesting no gifts, and they kept giving them. After a couple of years of this, I stopped bringing any gifts to give them. They still gave us gifts. My husband, kids and I explained each time that we just enjoyed the big holiday get-together, and to please not bring us gifts next year. They did it again, for three more years even though we came empty-handed each time. It felt so awkward, sitting there getting a pile of gifts, knowing we had brought none. Each year I hoped they had listened, and each year, they didn’t. I finally wrote thank you notes to each of them, affectionately and very politely explaining that we truly enjoyed just the pleasure of being with them at Christmas, so gifts were not necessary. (As a side note: at this point, my husband had lost all of his siblings, so being with family was very important to him, while gifts were absolutely not.) I thanked them for the gifts they just gave anyway, and told them how much we looked forward to seeing them again. I don’t remember exactly how I worded it, but I sweated over a way to state that without sounding ungrateful or rude. Let me add this: we have hosted this branch of the family at barbecues and such at our house, but they insist upon hosting Christmas, so it’s not like we could invite them to our house and say “no gifts, please,” to everyone.
Their response? They stopped inviting us to Christmas family dinners. We see on Facebook that they have the big Christmas dinner every year, without us. They never discussed it; they have invited us to a few other things at that house since then, but not Christmas, ever again. It seems that giving us presents, to them, is more important than our presence. 1212-17
The Bad Christmas Boss
So here’s my story of a bad boss at Christmas. Sorry, it’s long:
Background: I worked for a group of contractors who were entrenched at a manufacturing site, “Widgets”, working in their offices on their property. After many years, Widgets was sold to a larger company. The new owners pushed our contracting group offsite and let it be known that while they would continue to give us some work, we would no longer enjoy the access that we used to have to Widgets’ information and facilities. We went from being basically co-workers with Widgets’ own employees, to just-another-group-of-contractors among several. Well, life happens. The original Widgets employees were no happier than we were about it, but we all carried on.
Before the sale of Widgets, we would often combine with a close group of Widgets employees for pot lucks, holiday dinners, retirement parties, etc., but that ended with the new Widgets owners. So, for my group’s first Christmas after being “kicked out”, we had a potluck dinner in our rented office (Only money for a ham was provided by our own corporate offices for our Christmas dinner) and invited the Widgets group we worked with the most closely in the past, making the dinner head count consist of about 22 of us contractors and 8 of Widgets employees. We had a really good time.
However, the new owners at Widgets were ruthless – by next Christmas, most of that group of Widgets employees that we had invited the previous year had been replaced, because of retirement, firing, or quitting when they could no longer take it. We barely knew some of the replacements by name, much less in person, and they seemed uninterested in furthering the acquaintanceship. My own group had been downsized to about 14 employees. So when it came time for my company’s next Christmas potluck in our new location, a few of our employees suggested that we simply have a dinner just for our own group this time. It had been a rough year, seeing several of our own people laid off, and saying farewell to some longtime friends at Widgets as well. Two of our employees had planned to be on vacation at that time, so only 12 of our group would actually be there at the potluck.
Our boss was adamant – we needed to invite Widgets people with whom we worked rather closely. So, our admin drew up a list of about five names of Widget employees and asked if there were any others who should be added. The boss submitted his list of names that must be invited. His list brought the number of Widgets employees up to sixteen! There were only twelve of our group, and sixteen of the Widgets employees, and he expected our employees to provide the food for this meal, but he assured us that he had corporate’s agreement to provide a ham again.
To understand this better – my group received no bonuses or Christmas gifts of any kind from our employer, except for that one ham for our group meal. To keep our bids super competitive, our salaries were much lower than those at Widgets – my counterparts at Widgets, for example, made $20,000/year more than me at a minimum – the ones with my experience made nearly twice as much as I did. This Christmas dinner for our group was to be our only celebration and we were being asked to basically cater for a larger group of people than ours, all of whom made much better money than us, and most of whom didn’t know us and showed no desire to do so, just because it was “good client relations.” Admin asked the Boss if he was sure this was the best way to wish his own employees “Merry Christmas,” by asking them to do this much work, and out of their own pockets to boot. She mentioned that a few employees had been quite startled to be told that their selected dish that they had planned to bring would have to feed almost 30 people, not 12. A couple of employees had asked why we had to invite anyone else at all, since the early indication had been that it would indeed be just our group this year. Most felt, but didn’t want to be quoted, that if it was “good customer relations,” then our company should pay for the meal.
In response, the Boss, who was normally a nice enough, if often insensitive guy, cancelled the dinner completely, then sent out a blistering email to our group, berating (unnamed) employees who had “forgotten the meaning of Christmas – giving” and accusing them outright of selfishness. We are talking employees such as the mother going through a divorce, the spouse of a disabled person, a newlywed just starting out, a man trying to help pay for his failing parents’ nursing care in their home, a veteran recently returned from overseas…. Yes, such greedy, selfish employees! I don’t know what the boss was thinking, but it was right then that I began my search for my new job. 1214-18
The Dreaded Question
My DH and I have been together for 13 years, no children. Every holiday during our family visits we get the dreaded question: “When are you two going to have kids?”
We are not interested in having children……at all. We thought it would be an acceptable answer, but family still insists to know why. Then things get awkward. We don’t want to offend the parents in our family by saying we don’t like children. We’ve tried fibbing by saying, “We’re trying…but nothing” but the conversation gets even more awkward with baby making tips.
I’m very interested in this community’s opinion on how to answer this question in the best way! 1231-16
This is merely my opinion but when relatives keep nattering wanting to know information you aren’t willing to share or they won’t accept the answer given, it’s time to switch to viewing this as a game that you must win. And games are fun! Go to holiday dinner prepared with a humorous, fantastical story. For example, one relative of ours has a long scar down the middle of his chest and he isn’t interested in retelling the boring medical history of why it is there so he fabricated a story of being attacked by a shark. People get the idea that he’s kindly dismissing their intrusive question but it’s done to amuse as well. I know the real story of how his scar came into being so I play along with the shark story and feign horror. I’ve seen some bean-dipping fantasy stories take on a complete life of their own so much that they become family folklore.
I don’t think anyone needs to know the reason why you do not want children. At holidays it’s a recipe for contention as the issue becomes serious and debates can ensue. In your shoes I might come up with a stupid story that gremlins seem to be invading my bed each night and stealing my eggs. Or that I’ve been diagnosed with necliberositis (from the Latin nec liberos meaning “no children”) and that I cannot have children. Yes, it’s stupid BUT people are being stupid asking intrusive questions and it’s a way to skirt around the intricacies of serious issues with a little humor.