It’s All Relatives – Page 2

Mom Just Meddles And Meddles And Meddles….

September 17, 2018admin38 Comments

It’s tough recognizing when you are being manipulated and having the frame of mind to resist it.

I am the oldest of three daughters and my mom and I have never really gotten along very well. There are various possible explanations for this, none of which have much, if any bearing on the story. I also was always on the chubby side, not exactly fat per se, but definitely a few kilos overweight. Unfortunately, my mom’s constant nagging “you’d be so pretty if you just lost some weight” combined with the fact that every single thing she said sounded like an accusation, led to me withdrawing more and more and spending less time with the family which resulted in mom kicking me out of the house shortly after I had started my first job (I was 22 at the time and had planned to save up a bit of my salary before moving out, but, oh well). I don’t pretend that I was the perfect daughter, but I do believe in talking to the person you have a problem with before the problem becomes bigger than it needs to be and not in getting second, third and fourth opinions from friends and family to back up what a horrible human being I am and then blowing up big time with all the “evidence” or “back-up” from random people. The kicking out happened 14 years ago and I have since forgiven her, mostly, because holding that grudge made me feel physically ill in the long run. I’ve let it go and just make a point in a) not trusting her with personal information/problems/anything, because I know that she will share those with anyone and everyone and b) only going there for Christmas and other big family things and, if possible, sleep somewhere else like my partner’s parents’ house or a hotel.

Probably at least partly due to the weird relationship with my mom I have never felt qualified to be a mom myself, but my younger sisters both have children. Last year in June, when my story starts, my youngest sister D was a couple of days past her due date with her third boy and my middle sister K was about 8 weeks away from having her second child.

For me, it all started with a call to K. It was my niece’s birthday and I wanted to say hi and happy birthday and ask if my presents had arrived and if my niece liked them, only to be greeted by K, basically sobbing into the phone that something was wrong with D’s baby and that everyone was waiting for news from the hospital. So, I called my parents who live in the same house as D and got the information that my sister had gone for her check-up (she had to go every other day since the baby was already a week overdue) and the baby’s heartbeat was gone. My sister was still at the hospital, having the stillbirth induced, my parents had driven BIL there after he got the news and were taking care of the older boys. (I don’t know about anywhere else, but in Germany, procedure seems to be to not induce a birth until the baby is 2 weeks overdue unless it’s medically indicated during check-ups.)

I didn’t know if I would reach D by phone with her in the hospital and possibly giving birth and wanted to send her a message she could read later instead. Then I noticed that the last things she had messaged me were a picture of her sons and one of her giant belly, I so did not want her to open her messages when she got one from me and see those pictures in that moment. However, I did not have to wait long for her to send me a message with the information that my parents had already told me, so I sent the message I had already typed out that I was thinking of her and that I’d be there for her in any way I could.

Once the baby was born, cause of death was immediately obvious: there was a knot in the umbilical cord, not visible on ultrasound, and it had tightened during the night (D said she had felt the baby kick the evening before), the only saving grace of this being that no autopsy was necessary on top of all the trauma and that neither the doctor nor my sister nor anyone could have done anything to prevent this, it was just nature being a b*tch. So, I talked to my sister, I cried while my partner held me, I live 700 km away from them, so just going there to hug D and cry with her was not really an option. D had said she would let me know the funeral arrangements once they were made and I planned on talking to my co-workers and boss to take a day or two off later that month once I knew the arrangements. (I had a lot of stress at work during that time, we had just switched to a different inventory management system and were not supposed to take time off until about a week before the start of this story and of course, the time-off requests were already piling up). K had asked D if she could come visit and if D would be okay with seeing K’s own pregnant belly and D had gladly accepted the support, mom and dad live there anyway and I was completely prepared for long phone conversations and then a few days’ visit a couple of weeks later.

Enter my mom. She calls me on my cellphone on Monday (all this happened over the weekend) while I’m at work. I’m still a mess from the news and I’ve told my co-workers what happened, so they’d know why I might act weird and that I was going to ask for time off once I knew when I needed it. Mom proceeds to turn me into a blubbering mess right there in the office where I’m trying to hold it together. She proceeds to tell me that I need to come right now. I tell her that I can’t take a lot of time off work and that I’m planning to come for the funeral, but she insists that it would be more important for me to be there now than at the funeral and that I was supposed to have been godmother to the baby (“but don’t tell D I told you this!”) and on and on. Thankfully, my co-workers understand, they send me outside for fresh air and some alone-time to collect myself. I check with my partner if he can take time off work and come to our hometown with me for a few days and he agrees. My boss is quite alarmed when I knock on his door and enter with puffy, red eyes, but I explain the situation and without missing a beat, he signs off on my vacation day.

Thursday that week was a holiday, so my partner and I both take Friday off for a long weekend and drive across the country to see our families. Obviously, the mood is pretty somber, we hug and cry and talk all weekend.

Now, I’m not one to pry. I’m the person who listens. If my sister wants to talk in detail about the recent tragedy, I will listen. If she wants to talk about her older boys, I will listen. If she wants to talk about repairs she means to do around the house, I will listen. Whatever she wants to talk about or get off her chest, I listen, occasionally asking additional gentle questions. We take a walk to the grave site they are considering and it’s beautiful. While there, BIL informs me that I was supposed to have been godmother and that they would be honored if at the funeral I would carry the urn together with the other chosen godmother. My heart sinks. I really cannot take more time off work at this time and I cannot drive across the country again in 2 weeks. I tell them I don’t know if I can come to the funeral and that I’m really sorry, inwardly seething at my mother’s meddling. Of course, I would have been honored to participate in the funeral and now, I most likely can’t. Both D and BIL tell me they understand, but I am furious with mom.

Her foot-in-mouth, however, is not yet done for the weekend. Saturday, D turns to me and says “you know, I don’t think I’d fit into your jeans right now.” This comes totally out of the blue for me. I had lost a lot of weight over the past year or so and I had mentioned that I had just bought new jeans, still, I really don’t know how to respond, because usually D is the slim one and she just carried a baby for 41 weeks and lost him just 7 days ago. While I’m still trying to figure out what I should say to that, my mom says “well, D, *you* have a feminine figure”. (Yes, my butt was a bit smaller than before and my bellyfat was a lot less, but seriously, mom, you’ve been after me to lose weight for as long as I can remember and now that I did, you deny me femininity? Broad hips? Check. Boobs? Check. Okay, she was possibly trying to make D feel better, but shouldn’t she be able to do that without putting me down?)

Saturday evening comes and since my partner and I have to leave early on Sunday, we say our goodbyes to my family. Mom takes me aside and tells me off for not talking to/comforting D enough. I’m not sure how she wants me to rectify this in the next 5 minutes, but I give D an extra hug and tell her I’ll call her when I get home on Sunday. She thanks us for coming and we leave.

When I call D the next evening, I tell her I’m sorry if we didn’t talk about everything in enough detail and that mom had said I should have made more effort, but that I just didn’t want to pry and that she can come to me with anything she wants to talk about. She said it was okay and not to worry and that she understands that people are different, even if mom doesn’t.

A few days later, she lets me know the details of the funeral and the only way I would have been able to go there would have been by plane and I was fully prepared to do that, but connections between the next airport from here (1 hour drive) and there (1 more hour drive) are few and far between and with the time and date of the funeral it’s just impossible without days off which I can’t take. I tell D and BIL that unfortunately, I cannot be at the funeral and how very sorry I am (so far, I have not mentioned my mom’s meddling to anyone, not even my partner, because he already doesn’t like her much for how she’s been treating me ever since we met).

The next thing that happens: dad calls me. Now, he never calls me. I’m pretty certain that mom asked him to call and to tell me to come to the funeral. I tell him that it’s really impossible for me to get more time off work and that I already explained this to mom when she called to tell me to come *right now* and insisted that it was more important to be there now than later at the funeral. I think that conversation between mom and me was news to him. He sputtered something along the lines of “but what are the people going to say?” which “argument” deserves nothing but an eye-roll. Then he told me that all the relatives from all over the country were going to be there, which I kind of doubted. Parents and siblings of the bereaved parents, yes, maybe a close aunt or uncle, plus some very close friends, but none of those had to make a roundtrip of 1400 km twice in 2 weeks.

I felt emotionally manipulated, but as I don’t have the best reference points concerning mother-daughter relationships, I called K to talk about what had happened and she could not believe my mom had manipulated me into coming immediately so I’d have to miss the funeral and then make dad call me and try to manipulate me into coming to the funeral anyway. Well, sadly, she could believe that mom was trying to pull this off. Guilt-tripping people into doing things is one of mom’s preferred methods of communication. To this day, I’m not sure if mom really thought she was doing any of her daughters a favor or if that was a weird attempt to have me there on her birthday which happened to fall on that long weekend and I hate that I cannot even tell if she had good intentions or selfish ones… K called me after the funeral and said our parents had said something about my absence and she told them off. Thanks, sis 🙂

I called D a few hours before the ceremony to let her know I was thinking of her. She understandably wasn’t in a very receptive frame of mind in that moment, but when we talked the next time she let me know that she appreciated that call. 0402-18

Cruise To Contentiousness

September 6, 2018admin36 Comments

When I was around 19 years old, I was out shopping with my mother at a local jewellery store. The shop was running a drawing where the top prize was a free cruise for two people. We both decided to put our names in.

A few weeks later, the shop called to tell me I had won. When I phoned my mother to tell her the good news, I mentioned that I would probably want to take my boyfriend at the time. We had been dating for three years (since I was 16 and he was 17), so it was what I considered a very serious relationship. I didn’t think to break this to my mother gently, because I was relatively young and foolish and it didn’t even occur to me that she would have expected to be my cruise companion. Despite making an effort to spend time together doing things like shopping, our relationship during that period tended to be quite contentious. We tended to fight (and make up) just about every day.

She got VERY angry with me, but I decided to stick to my guns. Partly out of stubbornness, and partly because I thought I’d have a much better time doing romantic things with the man I was smitten with, rather than spending the entire cruise inevitably bickering with Mom.

All this was before I had officially claimed the prize. When I went to the store to collect, I asked a little more about it. It turned out that, as is common, the prize ONLY included the cruise. It departed from Florida, and we live in Ontario. Being a university student, I didn’t think I had enough money at that time to make the trip. The store told me I could think about it for a day or so.

When I mentioned this to my mother, she replied that it was too bad I hadn’t asked her, because she could have afforded the trip. Because I did selfishly want to go and because it seemed like she was going to be gracious about all of it, I almost asked her after all. But then she started saying very nasty things like how my boyfriend didn’t deserve such a nice trip anyway. (She thought he was too “low-class” to associate with, one source of our many fights.)

I let the jewellery store know I would not be claiming the prize, and gave them the go-ahead to offer it to somebody else.

My mother and I never mentioned the trip again. I am 36 now. Our relationship is much better. We still get on each-other’s nerves, but we only get together a few times a year. I’ve grown up a lot, and the man I eventually married (who is not the boyfriend from the story) is a very calm man who tends to have a calming presence on everyone around him.

Do you feel I should have offered the spot on the trip to my mother first? Did I have an obligation because she was with me at the time of entering? Simply because she is my mother? At 19 would you expect a girl to travel with family and not a boyfriend? Was I foolish to give up a great travel opportunity because of a personality clash? 0905-18

Your mom may have had an unspoken expectation, even prior to your winning the cruise, that you both were entering to increase the odds of one of you winning so that both of you could go together on the cruise. It appears the decision to enter the contest together occurred during one of those moments when you both were not engaged in being contentious. The question in my mind is, how would you have felt if your mom had won the cruise and announced to you that her guest was not you but some new boyfriend of hers or an old school friend? Would you have been bent out of shape at her choice? If the answer is “Yes”, that you would have been confused or hurt by her choice, then I think you owe your Mom more understanding in regards to how she reacted.

Declining to accept a prize because you cannot afford to utilize it is no shame but I would have asked if the cruise tickets could have been used by another person and if that was possible, offered it to your mom. “Mom I won the cruise but I found out that there are fees associated with claiming it that I cannot afford. I can transfer this to someone else so, here, enjoy that cruise.” It would have then been interesting to see who she would have then chosen to go with her or if she would have also declined because she did not want to actually pay for airfare either.

All This Drama Over An Invitation

September 3, 2018admin38 Comments

My cousin John’s daughter and my daughter are the same age, 15. We live about 1/2 hour away from each other. We get together 7-10 times a year for birthdays, holidays and to hang out. They invited my daughter to go to an event in LA to meet some actors from a TV show both girls enjoy. This invitation was extended the middle of June for leaving the 1st weekend in Nov and was to be a gift for their daughter’s birthday which is mid-Nov. We said she would love to go.

Fast forward to Halloween. My Aunt Jane (my mother’s sister and John’s mother) was in town visiting and currently staying with John’s family. DH and I had been out of the country for 5 days and had just returned. My Aunt Jane called my mom to tell her to tell me that my daughter was invited to John’s daughter’s mid-Nov birthday lunch. This was happening over Veteran’s Day weekend, which is a 3 day weekend sometimes here in the US. That date happened to be the same time my daughter would be out of town with our church for an annual youth event. One she goes to every year. This event was pre-paid in Aug. So, I told my mom that my daughter couldn’t attend the lunch as she would be out of town. Keep in mind we haven’t seen an invitation and are getting this information 3rd hand.

Later that day, my mother gets a call from my cousin’s wife, we’ll call Angela, screaming and yelling that how dare my mother say my daughter can’t go to the lunch! She was screaming so loud my mother had to remove the phone from her ear. She then proceeds to berate my poor mother and that she had expected us there and now we weren’t coming. She was saying how rude we were for not coming as she was expecting us. I don’t know how she was expecting us as we had never even heard from them nor seen any sort of invitation. She then calls me and left a screaming and yelling voice mail. When I call her back she proceeds to scream at me that I am very rude and she is done talking and hangs up. I text her and ask her what is going on as I have no idea. I was very gracious and giving her the benefit of the doubt. She then calls me the next day and starts in with what a liar my mother is as she told her we would be there and she makes all the plans for our family! I have no idea where she got this idea from as my mother also had just found out about the party and she hasn’t made plans for me since I was a young child! She also called my mom a liar as she knows for a fact that my daughter is not going on this trip. She then states that she couldn’t have possibly sent me the invitation as we were out of the country. She told me she has never been this mad in her entire life and then hangs up.

We debated about letting our daughter go on the trip to LA with them. We ultimately let her go. But I told my cousin in no uncertain terms (as his wife never answered her phone or came over) that I needed to talk to his wife. That until we talk there will be a wall up between our families and it just breaks my heart. He kept telling me to talk to her. I kept telling him I would love to but she won’t come over or return my phone calls. So I told him to have her call me.

Some back story: I texted them a picture of my daughter’s 8th grade graduation invitation 6 weeks prior. I hand delivered it 4 weeks prior. I texted them 2 weeks prior to remind them. Fast forward to the night of, in a packed house saving 3 seats 10 min into the ceremony. I text them to see if they’re lost. She texts me back, “Is that tonight? We’re already in bed.” It was 710 PM! My response was sorry you missed it. I would have had every right to scream and yell like she did, but I didn’t. Angela is extremely manipulative and controlling and does whatever she wants. If she doesn’t want to do something, they don’t do it. She is also from a Latin American country and uses that as an excuse for her poor behavior. She has been in the US for 30 years!

My mother was trying to be nice and invited them to my brother’s birthday party this June. Angela hasn’t called and we haven’t spoken since she talked at me and hung up back in November. Angela and I didn’t speak at the party. I did speak to John, her husband. My daughter asked Angela if their daughter was coming to her birthday party. She didn’t give Angela the date, just asked if their daughter could come. Angela laughed and said, “Oh no, we’ll be on our cruise! Ha ha ha!” My daughter was very hurt by this so she sent her a very nice text telling her how sad she was that she would treat her this way. And how sad she was that she would treat my mother and me the way that she has. And my 15 yr old daughter wanted to talk to her on the phone and asked Angela to call her. I read the text and it was very nice and heartfelt.

Now, Angela is not speaking to either of us due to our “rudeness”. She has blocked me and now my daughter, from all social media. She has blocked our numbers from her phone as she told my mother we were so rude and hurtful to her. She has called up my mother and lied about me saying I told her to stay away from my kids (2 of my kids are adults and I never tell them who they can and cannot see!) and she was hurt that I didn’t hug her at the party! (Takes 2 to hug and she came nowhere near me either). She is also calling Aunt Jane and lying to her about my daughter and saying that my daughter told her to stay away from us! Total lies! All we wanted to do was have a conversation with her. But, apparently she wants to have her 2 year old tantrum and think we’re the bad people. She has always been controlling and manipulative, but this was the last straw. Who treats anyone like that? 0828-18

“You know how much we wanted to see them!” Yeah, Sure you do.

July 17, 2018July 16, 2018admin46 Comments

This is a question for Ehellions. I’ll give the set up.

My siblings and I all had moved several hundred miles from home by the time our parents were in their early sixties. I lived the closest to my parents, at about 750 miles away. At the times of the visits I’m referencing, my parents were in their 60’s, then their 70’s (they died at 78 and 80). Our parents each had several younger siblings of theirs living in their area, ranging in distance from 10 minutes away to a couple of hours away. Four of my parents’ siblings lived 30 minutes or less from my parents, in three different directions. Every summer, our parents, who were retired, traveled to visit my siblings and me, spending two weeks with each of us at our respective houses.

My siblings and I would travel with our families to visit our parents on occasion, normally once a year or so. Due to school, work, sports, vacation day limits, etc., we usually were only there for about 3-4 days at a time. Since there is no airport near where my folks lived, we all always drove, and it was a very long day of driving each way for all of us. My siblings and I usually did not all come at the same time, as it taxed our folks to have us all there at once, plus our vacation times often just didn’t sync.

My siblings reported to me that they had the same remarks made regarding them that my husband and I had when we visited with my parents: namely, all of our parents’ area siblings, with the exception of the one who lived 10 minutes away, would always tell our parents, “Now when your kids get there, tell them we’d love to see them, and we’ll be home anytime they want to come by.” My mother would dutifully relay this message and ask if we wanted to go visit. Now, on a few occasions, my parents would organize a big potluck picnic at the park when a sibling or I was visiting, and invite the relatives over to join us, but sometimes that just didn’t happen in the time we had there, and we never had the entire family show up, anyway. Please note that all of these relatives were younger than our parents, and fully capable of going anywhere they wanted to, which they did, often.

Here’s the etiquette issue: my siblings and I, who had driven anywhere from 12 to 16 hours each way, usually with children (toddlers to teens) and spouses in tow, would refuse to drive around the countryside and visit these relatives. We always told our parents we’d love to see the others, too, but could they come see us at our parents’ house instead? (My parents had an open door policy with their family members at all times, so this was not imposing on our parents). The one family member who lived 10 minutes away always showed up at my parents’ when she heard we were coming, and we had a good time visiting with her, but she was the exception. My mother, bless her heart, after we’d refused to drive out for visiting, would then call the area family members to say that we would love to see them, and would invite them over for coffee and cake (she always baked a cake or two) so they could visit with us. Almost every time, those family members said they would try, then not show up. Then they would complain to our parents after we left, “Oh, we would have loved to see (name) and his/her family. Why didn’t they come see us? You know how much we wanted to see them! Goodness, they drove all that way to get here, what’s a drive of half an hour or so to come see us?” And my parents (usually my mom) always had to say something like, “They had such limited time here; it just wasn’t possible.” Which was true, actually.

So, were my siblings and I rude to steadfastly refuse to go all over that end of the state visiting, or were the relatives rude to expect us to come see them, and not take our mother’s suggestion to drop by for some cake and a visit? Were we all rude? My mom was the people-pleasing kind that if we had driven all over to visit, she’d have gone with us happily, but if they had come to us instead, she’d have been just as happy with that plan, in fact, probably happier, as she was a homebody. My dad would have done either thing, as well. Still, I always felt bad that this seemed to land in my mother’s lap, but they always contacted her and my dad, not us, before we got there and after we left. One time I answered when one of the relatives surprisingly called while we were there, and I issued an invitation to come see us (I had already discussed this with my parents) and got the reply that, “if we have time, we’ll try to make it, blah, blah, maybe you could come here….” And of course, they never showed. This ended when my parents died, and my sibs and I always felt the others were rude, but are we wrong? Could we have handled this better? What should we have done? 0215-18

When people say things like, “Oh, we would have loved to see (name) and his/her family. You know how much we wanted to see them!”, it’s best translated as, “I’ll say this to make it sound like I’m invested in family but I really don’t have the time to actually make that investment.” I ignore these comments as nothing more than words in the wind because the value is in what they actually DO as opposed to what they say. If they really wanted to see you, they would make the effort to do so and not guilt manipulate you into driving even more and be away from your parents.

Grandpa Is Not Invited

April 16, 2018admin43 Comments

A bit of background……..

My relationship with my elder and only sister has, for most of our lives, been fraught with tension. I have always gotten the sense that she was perfectly happy being an only child, and the arrival of siblings caused her to declare a permanent war. We also have a brother – the middle child – who has also had his challenges with her, but he tends to pretty much go along to get along. Not a problem, really; at the risk of sounding clichéd, it is what it is. This is not a big deal, mind you. I have my own life, she/he have hers/his, and we are cordial when circumstances put us in the same place at the same time.

For the last four years, our elderly father has lived with my husband and me. The last of our four children is also still in residence. Sister was not pleased when this happened, as she likes to be in charge and considers herself not only a medical expert, but also the matriarch of the family. Brother chose to deal with the situation by absenting himself; this is typical behavior for him. Sister reacted by using outright hostility and nastiness; it was clear that she wished the living arrangements to fail, so that she could declare herself right. Whatever……..

In reality, things have worked out just fine. It hasn’t been easy (in fact, it’s been a real challenge, but one we are up to), but my dad has been wanted, well-cared for, and happy living with us and our family. Considering that he’s 91, he’s doing just fine and so are we.

Aforementioned Elder Sister has one child. In the family, said child has always been known as The Princess. She was raised to focus only on herself and to put her own needs and wishes ahead of anyone else’s. Again, at the risk of sounding repetitive, not a big deal; it is what it is.

Recently, The Princess remarried. (Anyone surprised that her first marriage ended? During the first marriage, she didn’t work, but was annoyed that her husband was too tired to do things………perhaps because he was working 80+ hours a week to keep her in a fancy house, designer clothing, plastic surgery and a Lexus?. Princess, I should mention, dropped out of college after one semester and is seemingly incapable of holding down a permanent job. When she and her husband split up, her mother jumped in and supported her. Again, not a problem – her choice.

However, The Princess met a new guy and started planning her second wedding. We wished her every happiness in this new relationship.

What was disturbing, however, was the guest list for the wedding. Prior to sending out invitations, Sister Dearest called me and informed me that our father (yes, the man who has lived here and whom my husband and I have cared for these last four years) was not invited to the wedding. Her reason? She wanted my husband and I to “enjoy ourselves and have a day out without Dad”. Huh? So I’m supposed to tell our father that he’s not invited to his granddaugher’s wedding?

My response was to RSVP as a “decline”. I used the excuse that I had promised our youngest daughter (22 and also not invited) a trip out of state to visit her older brother, his wife and her only niece (none of whom were invited) during the only time she was allowed to take a vacation from her new job. (True, incidentally.) Our oldest son and his live-in girlfriend WERE invited, but respectfully declined when they heard that other siblings and grandfather were excluded. We all sent lovely gifts, just fyi.

Please understand that there is no outward family hostility here……..in public and at other family occasions, we are all polite and cordial.

Guess I just wanted to share, to vent, and to ask………..does anyone else have a family this dysfunctional??? 0927-15