Ooops. Foot In Mouth Disease

Meddling Busybodies In End Of Friendship

January 31, 2019January 31, 2019admin42 Comments

I’ve been unsure about whether to submit this or not, but it has become clear that this is a recurring problem and I would appreciate some advice about how to firmly and politely put a stop to it.
A year ago I moved back home. Prior to that I shared a flat with my best friend for two years. It did not end well. In fact, our relationship disintegrated to the point that I was barely in the apartment for the last six months of the lease and I haven’t really spoken to her since. I don’t want to go into too much detail but there was a lot of bullying and emotional manipulation involved and a long list of very petty grievances that built up to the point that I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve really only told two friends details about what has been going on, and mainly because we were chatting when everything was happening and I trust them. When people have asked I have been vague on the details. God knows what my room mate has been telling people but I decided early on not to feed the friend groups appetite for gossip.
Our mutual friends don’t really understand what’s going on and one in particular keeps asking me when I’m going to talk to roomie again and last week, at a party and in front of a few people, said “I figured once all the dust settled you’d go back to being friends”. I understand that she comes from a good place and means well but I’d love some advice on how to shut this down. I find it super awkward and keep fumbling for an answer. It was a close friendship, I’m sad it ended, perhaps in the future we could be friends again but right now that won’t be happening. I thought answering my friend the first time would be the end of it, but I keep being ambushed. How do I get her to stop without having to detail why I’m not interested in a friendship with my former roomie right now? 1124-18

As I’ve gotten older, my tolerance for busybodies has waned. I’m more likely to tell people who should know better that they need to mind their own business. When people will not accept polite deflections of their nosy, rude and presumptuous comments, it’s time to get firm and you do that by stating one of several options:

“This issue is between and ‘ex-friend’, it is none of your business and I would appreciate it if you would stop asking me.”

“That’s an interesting assumption…”, followed with silence.

I’m sure readers can devise even more options. The key is to deliver such statements with a cool calmness. No crying, no drama, no shrieking, no twinge of nastiness to your tone of voice. Just a dead calm poker face that means business.

Who Gets To Spill The Beans First?

August 27, 2018admin63 Comments

Hi have a question for you where I don’t know if me and my husband were in the wrong or my SIL is overly sensitive/self centered.

I gave birth to my second child a couple of days ago, two weeks before the due date. Everything went incredibly fast and we only had time to tell a handful of people that we were on our way to the hospital (my parents, my husband’s parents and the sitter that was going to take care of child no. 1 while I was in labour). Everything went well and we had a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

Of course, after the delivery we began sharing the news with family and friends, starting with those closest to us. I informed “my side” of the family while DH started on his. My husband called his parents who unfortunately did not pick up, but he left a message. He then continued by texting his aunt, and before he got around to inform anyone else he got a text from his sister that “I hear rumors from (aunt) that the baby has arrived, thanks for letting me know”. DH were left a bit perplex because he was just then in the process of contacting his sister, and a bit unhappy that his aunt had spilled the beans on our behalf.

The day after, my SIL called her brother and was unhappy that aunt D was given the news before her. DH tried to explain that the notification time between her and aunt D was literally one minute (which can be proven by looking at time stamps on the phone calls and text messages involved). She accused him of lying and deliberately shutting her out. Nothing more came of that conversation.

My problem with this is two things – First of all, I very much dislike that other family members take it upon themselves to spread such information, unless explicitly told to pass it on on our behalf. (I must add that NO social media announcement had been made at this point, so I didn’t consider it public knowledge that the baby had arrived). But the aunt in question is a bit old and although she means no harm she doesn’t always think things through. I have chalked it up to a unfortunate slip om her behalf.

Second, my biggest issue is this – I think my SIL is acting bratty and rude when she apparently is offended that she was not “higher up on the list of people informed” and accused my husband of lying to her when he tried to explain what actually went down. She even said after his explanation that she don’t know who to believe and she don’t like being lied to. What’s to believe or not?? She was in the group of people that we prioritized to tell first, but someone beat us to it.. Get over yourself and accept that our first priority is to inform those closest to us about the baby’s arrival and not necessarily dwell too long on who is higher in the family hierarchy and thus must be treated this way.
Am I wrong? Should we have handled this differently?

I must add that SIL often creates this type of drama and it has really started to rub me the wrong way so I just might be a bit biased in my judgement of her behavior, but the bottom line is that she is not at all the focal point of this happening, she would have been informed promptly when things had settled down (so no deliberate shunning or otherwise “keeping her out” on our part), and I think that she should really get over herself and not make a fuss over the fact that “aunt x was told before me and I feel overlooked”.

Or she could just be the bigger person and let it go because me and DH just went through this big ordeal and this is not the time to create drama over nothing.

Any thoughts? 0823-18

There are situations in life where you just want to roll your eyes and insist that certain people get over it. SIL is a drama queen who turns the focus of a new family member into being all about her not getting an exclusive update. Sheesh, get over it, SIL! In the grand scheme of life this is so petty to waste emotions and time over.

And Aunt Blabbermouth races to share news that isn’t hers, even beating out the father of the baby. If you are one of those people who immediately shares dramatic news you’ve just discovered, be it either a happy event like the birth of a child or a sad one like the unexpected death, you should carefully examine why you feel the need to share that information when you are likely not the original “owner” of that information. I’ve seen too many situations where a death is announced prematurely on social media by people who are not closely connected to the deceased.

New information has an “owner”, in this case it was the OP and her husband as the new parents. They “loan” out the information to others who should be asking, “Can I share this?” , or , “Is this to be kept private for a little while?” It is wrong to assume you “own” someone else’s news announcement and can circumvent how and when they want that news to be distributed. It won’t kill you to wait to say anything. In fact, I relish in the secrecy that I am one of the few who knows the whole story.

Dear OP, the only thing I might have done differently was to wait until you reached Husband’s parents with the news before moving on to other people. It’s a small courtesy considering that they were one of the very few who knew you were heading to the hospital but not a big faux pas to beat yourself about.

Is It Eavesdropping To Overhear Someone’s Rude Comments About You?

August 2, 2018July 30, 2018admin47 Comments

I was recently reminded of two cases in which I was the topic of another person’s rude remarks, which led me to wonder — what does etiquette have to say about these instances?

In the first situation, I attended a visitation for the family member of a close friend. I was heavily pregnant at the time, about a week away from giving birth. As I visited with a few members the family, another guest arrived and approached the family. Very loudly and in almost a disgusted tone, she said “Oh my gosh, is she (meaning me) going to have a baby right here in the aisle?” I think I probably laughed awkwardly, then chose not to hear and chalked it up to people saying strange things when they’re mourning.

In the second story, I was in the waiting to get my hair cut while another stylist was consulting with a new client about five feet away. Evidently the client had requested a perm or something similar, because the stylist was trying to talk her out of it. It only caught my attention when the stylist said “After all, you don’t want to end up looking like a shaggy sheep dog, like her.” At this point the stylist actually looked and gestured directly toward me.

Now, I have natural curls that admittedly had gotten a bit overgrown — hence the haircut! — but I was embarrassed to be so obviously made into another client’s cautionary tale. I’m not a confrontational person and again said nothing, but looking back in this case, I do wish I had calmly said something either to the stylist or to the salon owner about her remarks.

Which brings me to my original question: in what circumstances does etiquette excuse eavesdropping, or addressing what you’ve unintentionally overheard? 0522-18

Trying To Get A Word In

July 10, 2018admin25 Comments

Your recent story about someone in a theatre interrupting a conversation with their own prompted me to tell this story. I’m still a little unclear of who’s in the wrong here and would appreciate yours and readers advice.

I’m a pretty quiet person and fairly content to sit back and listen and chime into the group conversation occasionally.

In one group of friends, however, it’s hard to get a word in. One woman in particular talks A LOT. It’s pretty much a wall of sound and she doesn’t have any problem interrupting what you’re saying to get going. The dynamics of the group means that people also tend to just let her talk. Subsequently, I don’t talk much when I’m in this group. When I do try and say something, I’m often interrupted by this person.

I was getting pretty annoyed by this. And reduced the amount of time I was spending with this group because of it. After a while though I thought, “Well, maybe I’m just being too sensitive and this is just how the group interacts with each other”. The next time I was spending time with them I decided that when I had something to say I was going to say it, whether that interrupted her or not.

Well… it didn’t go down well. I was met with “No, I’m talking let me finish. Don’t interrupt”. Basically, she can stop me mid sentence but if anyone does it to her, it’s a problem.

I don’t particularly want to spend my time with this group sitting in silence but I’m genuinely perplexed as to how to join a conversation when it’s so hard to get a word in edgewise. 0707-18

And why haven’t you tried her own statement to her when she interrupts you? My husband used to have a particularly clever way of dealing with people who repeatedly interrupted him by saying, “Oh, I’m sorry. Please forgive me for talking while you were interrupting. ” Done the right way, it can be a funny way to get the point across. People like this woman are more selfish than anything else. They are verbal bulls in the china shop and the only way to get that bull under control is to take the bull by the horns….not exactly something quiet or non-assertive people are comfortable doing.

The other dynamic is that apparently what this woman has to say captivates the audience to the point that they routinely gather to hear her talk. If she was boring, people would wander away to form smaller conversation circles until her audience is greatly diminished or gone all together. I’m not sure why you choose to be an audience member when the option exists to start side conversations with someone on the periphery of the group.

Casual Conversation At The Theater

July 5, 2018admin28 Comments

Myself and two friends went to the theater last night. And something that happened (that I passed off humorously at the time) has now got me irritated upon second thought. When we entered the theater– a solid 20 minutes before the show started– I sat on one side of my friend “Ryan”, and a stranger was on his other side (a woman, whom I would place in her late 50s). Important context here is that both Ryan and I are actors and have previously worked under the director of the show we are seeing this night.

Ryan makes a comment to me about said director in conversation, referring to her by her first name. And that’s when Stranger next to Ryan says to him, “Oh! Do you know the director?” Ryan says yes, and she proudly tells us that she recently did an interview with said director (she works for a newspaper). Being friendly, Ryan inquires about the interview and chats with her for a few moments. When that seems over, he turns back to me, but then she starts talking to him again… and this becomes the trend for the whole of the 20 minutes we are waiting for the show to begin. One time she even interrupted him mid sentence while he was trying to hold a conversation with my other friend and I. This stranger was not about to let him talk to anyone else while she was there. And poor Ryan is the sweetest person you could ever meet; he didn’t have the heart to ignore the stranger or say anything about the situation to her.

When the show was over (thank god no intermission) she tried to pull him into conversation AGAIN, and that’s when I made excuses for our small group to leave, and ushered Ryan out before this woman could steal another uncomfortable 20 minutes from him. As my own mother pointed out, she was probably just lonely; though I don’t think that gives her an excuse to demand attention from a stranger who is clearly trying to engage with his own group. 0506-17

If you have think twice as to whether you are offended or not, you are likely overthinking the situation. Go with your gut and first reaction and just blow it off.