Years ago, my husband and I lived in a different state from his old roommate, “Lorne.” Lorne and his wife, “Karen,” had a toddler son (“Andy”) at this time. We corresponded from time to time via phone and letter (this was in the days before cell phones and the Internet). Of course, sprinkled into our correspondence was the occasional “we really must get together sometime.” We meant it, of course, but we also wanted to plan for it. They had other ideas. We had visited them at their home once, and had discussed inviting them to see us but hadn’t actually done it yet, as we were both working new jobs and had just moved into our apartment and weren’t completely unpacked.
So along comes Memorial Day weekend. We made plans to go out on a neighbor’s boat on Memorial Day; the rest of the weekend was to be pretty much devoted to just sort of hanging out together (we were newlyweds at the time). We didn’t have anything really planned except for the boat trip, but we were also not prepared for Lorne’s phone call on the Thursday before that weekend, announcing that he and Karen and Andy were coming to see us for Memorial Day weekend! We tried to tell them that we weren’t prepared for company, but they actually got offended that we didn’t express delight at their impending visit. So—they came.
First thing that happened was Andy met our cat, “Milly.” Milly had never seen a small child, and Andy had never seen a cat, so for a moment they just stared at one another, and then suddenly Andy started screaming. Milly ran and hid and we didn’t see her for the rest of the weekend. Lorne was angry at us for failing to tell them we had a cat—how dare we let our baby frighten his child!
Because we didn’t have a lot of advance notice of their coming, we hadn’t really planned meals or activities or anything, but we did the best we could. Lorne complained about everything—he didn’t like that we didn’t have a guest room (we lived in a two-bedroom apartment, and one bedroom was basically an office). We didn’t have the kind of soda he liked to drink. On and on. Karen was paranoid about Andy—if he wasn’t directly in her line of sight, she panicked. Of course, Andy being a two-year-old, he was all over the map, and nothing untoward happened to him, but Karen just worried constantly. Oh, and lest I forget, our home was not child-proofed, so we got to hear about that as well.
We went out to dinner the night they arrived. When we entered the restaurant, the hostess smiled at us and said what hostesses have been saying forever: “Four and a half?” (referring to Andy). Karen snapped, “He’s not half a person, he’s a whole person! I hate when people do that!” The hostess, embarrassed, apologized and led us to a table. Karen felt the need to continue her rant about “half.” I get it, but seriously!
Karen and I did a little grocery shopping together the next day while the guys hung out and caught up. Naturally, Andy went with us, which was an experience for me as I didn’t have kids yet. I was not prepared for having to corral a toddler in the supermarket, but Karen refused to put him in the cart (“they’re dirty”) and she wouldn’t carry him because he was too big. I’m thinking she probably could have held his hand, but what did I know?
Anyway, we made the best of the weekend, and actually had a good time because we do like Lorne and Karen; we just weren’t prepared for a drop-in visit. We played some games and spent some time at the pool, etc. On Sunday, I suggested that we get some burgers and hot dogs, and go to the lake and cook out. That’s when it all went south. Lorne’s response to my suggestion? “Hot dogs. You guys got steak.”
True. When we went to visit them, at their invitation, we did eat steak that Lorne cooked on the grill. So what? How is that relevant? So I said to him, “First of all, we can’t afford steak. I’m sorry, but we can’t. Second of all, we were invited to your house. You guys just called and announced that you were coming. So, no, we don’t have steak. If you don’t want to eat burgers and dogs, just say so and we’ll find something else to do.” Or words to that effect. That irritated him, but we went ahead with the picnic and had a good time.
They left early on Monday morning, and we were still able to go to the lake with our friends. We still exchange Christmas cards with Lorne and Karen, but we haven’t actually laid eyes on them in ages. And have I mentioned that not once did they thank us for having them? Maybe that was because of my own rudeness about the steak, but who does stuff like this??? 0108-14
Category: Dining and Hospitality
Are You Done Yet?
I go to a medium sized, family owned cafe every Thursday. It’s the end of my work week and it’s a treat for myself. I relish the “me time” that I get for about an hour or so.
I always order the same thing at the counter. So much so that the clerk knows what to order for me without me telling her. Sometimes I sit outside if it’s nice weather, but with the Texas wind I prefer a seat inside if possible.
Sometimes the cafe is crowded – like today – and other times there are just a few patrons there.
My routine is the same – order at the counter, find a small table, eat my lunch and dessert and then go back to the counter to order a coffee to sit and sip and savor my alone time. (The coffee is delicious and is my favorite part of this ritual).
Today the cafe was very crowded. There was only one table in the dining room available. I ate my lunch and dessert as usual and before I could even dab my lips with my napkin, there was a person at my table, glowering at me. She said, “Are you done?”. I was confused because I thought maybe she worked at the cafe and was asking this to clear my dishes. I wasn’t sure though, because I had never seen her before and know all of the cafe workers. Nevertheless, I replied, “Yes, thank you”. She then said, “Good, hey guys we can sit here.” 3 people appeared from around the corner and began to put their things on the table.
I said, “I’m sorry, there has been a misunderstanding. I meant I was finished with my dishes. However, I’m not ready to leave.”
They all glared at me and the woman replied, “Well it’s really crowded today and you are done eating”.
Before this invasive incident, my plan was to go order my coffee at the counter and come back and enjoy it. I realized right away that even if I explained I was still going to get coffee and the table wasn’t available, when I vacated the table to go order, they would steal it immediately with no recourse for me.
The owner, whom I know well and is beloved by all, walked by at that exact moment. I hadn’t seen her yet and her face lit up when she saw me. She said, “Hi there! How was everything? Are you ready for your coffee?”. I responded with a, “Yes, that would be lovely. Thank you so much”. I then pointedly looked at the crowd gathered at my table and said, “Sorry, you will have to find another table”.
They all left in a huff. The owner saved the day and I kept my polite spine on. 0426-18
Divvying Up The Dinner Bill Among Guests When Alcohol Is Served
Two years ago, I was matron of honor for my good friend “S’s” wedding. This involved obviously planning and paying for the bridal shower as well as the relatively low key bachelorette party. Everything we did was completely approved by the bride but I am pretty good at planning a party, so I had a lot of fun doing so. There was one other bridesmaid. We are a bit older (late 40s/early 50s) so I expected no drama.
However, dealing with one woman friend of S’s was challenging. Let’s call her “C.” For the bachelorette party, S had wanted to go to a restaurant and then a drag queen show which was within walking distance. I sent an email to the friends she wanted to include and got a date that pretty much everyone could do – which in August is no easy task. I planned the dinner, which was served family-style in an Italian restaurant, and made the reservations for the show. I chose the courses (they offer three choices for appetizers, three for entrée and two for dessert – I figured it would be easier to figure it out ahead of time, and print up cute little menus so we wouldn’t waste time trying to choose among 15 women).
I told the girls we could have a cocktail before dinner if they wanted, then I would order a few bottles of both red and white wine for the table, and we’d split that with the cost of the meals. Everyone was fine with that. Total it up, subtract the bride’s share, and split the difference.
C immediately replied to my email that this would not be acceptable, because she does not drink one drop of alcohol ever. She was only willing to pay for the cost of her own share of the food. I hemmed and hawed a bit internally about how this would be accomplished but I thought I came up with a good solution at the time. Figure out what the cost would be (I think the family style was $30 pp, then you add tax and tip) and told her she could give me that amount in cash and I would subtract it before I started divvying up the rest.
So the bill comes, I do what I said I would do, and hand the waiter the cash from everyone to cover the complete cost. I think we were $10 or so over, but I told them they could keep the rest as the service was good. You would think gratuity would be included in a party of 15. Never even occurred to me that it wouldn’t be.
The waiter and manager come over to me (we’re scrambling to get out the door now to make the show, and we were in a hurry). They were concerned that we didn’t think the service was good. I said of course it was, why, and that’s when I found out they did not include gratuity. Now ¾ of the women have left to rush over to the club and I have to come up with about $180 extra dollars. A couple of the girls that were still there gave me some money but I never recouped anything from anyone else. I figure it’s okay as I did other favors for the bride and she completely insisted that I was NOT to buy her a wedding gift, that everything I had done was gift enough (the exact opposite of a Bridezilla).
This isn’t really C’s problem specifically, but it was a bit of a hassle trying to deal with one person that wouldn’t agree to split the bill. It’s fine if there are just a couple of people but now I’m planning S’s milestone birthday and she wants to do something similar to the bachelorette party. This is where I would like some feedback on how any of you have dealt with one outlier like this. To add to the drama, she is a sort of frenemy to a lot of these women, and S is only including her because she’ll find out about it from someone involved and would be extremely angry to be excluded. My instinct is to tell her to put on her big girl pants and suck it up or not come (you can tell I don’t really like her) but for S’s sake I want to be diplomatic. 0516-17
The fact that you failed to notice there was no gratuity added to the bill and failed to pay the waitstaff a decent tip this prompting the manager to get involved is completely irrelevant to the issue of whether one guest can decline to pay for their share in the cost of alcohol everyone else drank.
Your relationship to “C” is also irrelevant considering that the guest of honor wants this person invited.
Guests agreeing to share the cost of food even though one food item on the family style menu may be one they never eat is one thing. Food is a necessity to a dinner party, alcohol is not. People have many different reasons why they cannot or will not drink alcohol including medical, addictive, taste, or cost. I recently had dinner at a restaurant known for their outstanding wine cellar. The table behind us consisted of a large gathering of various people and the apparent head diner of this group ordered an extremely expensive wine. I personally would never agree in advance to share the cost of dinner that included wine chosen by the lead guest because bottles of wine can vary dramatically in price. I’ve also personally witnessed guests get plastered on a “few bottles” of wine per table.
My thought is this…if the cost of one person’s share of the wine is so expensive that you, as the hostess of this event, cannot afford to absorb it yourself, guests have a reasonable right to decline to pay for alcohol they will not drink. You would be ungracious to people who cannot drink alcohol by having an expectation that they should still fund other people’s consumption of alcohol. So, the person needing to put on her big girl hostessing pants and suck it up regarding your obligations as a hostess is you.
“Dropping By” Can Possibly Be Rude If Done Wrong
Have recently come across an incident of etiquette hell I would like to share and I think a lot of people who don’t have a lot of free time might be able to relate to it. I earmarked a specific time to spend with a friend – meaning naturally that I had to give doing up at least three other things I need to do at this point in time. Was ready to go out and meet him when I was told in a quick email and SMS with just minutes to go that friends from out of town had dropped by and he wouldn’t be able to meet me. I don’t of course blame my friend for this as he is a very gregarious and hospitable person who does 100 per cent respect the time of others. That’s why he’s my friend!
Yet surely I cannot be the only person who thinks that it’s rude to unexpectedly turn up somebody’s house? It is an imposition not only for the person who lives there but other people that they may have made arrangements with! Because it impacts on them too! Also – if you are prepared to do this – who knows what situation you might find round at the house? Is it not a breach of privacy too? I should point out that this was at 10 o clock in the morning – on a Sunday! Come on. That’s rude! 1105-17
It’s not a breach of privacy unless they peek into your windows, try to open the door or when the door is opened, push past you to gain access into the house. You don’t have to answer the door. I ignore the door bell/knocks when needed.
For people who drop by, a text warning of your impending arrival would be nice. There shouldn’t be any expectation of being received either. That’s the risk of just “dropping by”. And if the door is opened and you are invited inside, stay for just a few minutes before making movements towards the door. Then if your host wants to play the game of asking you to stay and you demur a few times to make sure they really meant it, stay only a little longer.
Accommodating Picky Eaters
I have a great diverse group of friends and we enjoy trying out new restaurants and hosting dinner parties. I hate to use the word, but we’re kind of ‘foodies’. One of my friends is a vegetarian. Most restaurants in our area also serve at least one vegetarian dish, and she is not a picky eater, so we rarely have to make special arrangements for her to join in group outings.
The problem is another friend who has the dietary habits of an american toddler. Nothing green, only chicken, no eggs, will send a dish back if a pickle is touching it…the list goes on and on (none of this is due to religious concerns or allergies). If it is just the two of us dinning out, I’m aware of most of her likes/dislikes now, but it leaves a limited number of places we can eat. I feel bad leaving her out of group outings, but often we are trying new restaurants that have nothing she will eat. I even feel bad even discussing group outings/dinner parties in front of her because I know she wont eat the food, though she is always invited.
I am planning on hosting another dinner party, but the menu is going to be “German style” for Oktoberfest. Sausages, sauerkraut, spetzle, and German beers. Unless I create another entree, she’ll only be eating the cheese & crackers I set out as hors d’ouevres. How far is a host supposed to go to accommodate guests when hosting an adults only dinner party? All advice is welcome. 0910-15
I host specific food dinners/parties such as an annual chili, cornbread and desserts harvest shindig in October. I do not accommodate picky eaters. It is what it is.