Baby Showers – Etiquette Hell

Overbearing New Grandparents….Just Whose Baby Is This?

October 1, 2018admin89 Comments

I am 20+ weeks pregnant with my first child. It is the first grandchild of both sides so understandably the grandparents to be are excited. Unfortunately my MIL and FIL are excited to the point of being hyperactive children. My FIL wants to videotape the entire procedure and my MIL keeps gushing about how all her friends are going to be so jealous about how she’s going to be the first person to see the baby to the point of being tasteless. She crudely joked that if I take too long in labour she’s going to get FIL to strap me down to a table and yank the kid out of me. When I get upset she just dismisses me by saying that I’m just jealous the baby is going to love her more.

Understandably, this is giving me nightmares to the point where I don’t even want the in-laws around my child. I have stopped going over but they complain to my husband about not seeing me. I can’t post on Facebook or Instagram because they hijack my posts saying all sorts of overly positive things like “can’t wait to see meet you baby,” “make sure you eat only organic foods , only the best for my grandchild” and I look petty complaining or blocking them.

It’s just so exhausting being around them. They’re already talking about turning a spare room into a nursery so they can have overnight visits with my child and joke about my husband and I having “adult nights” on those days.
My husband doesn’t seem to care. He just shrugs off their behavior and says that’s how they are or they’ll settle down once the child is a few months old but in the meantime I feel like I’m out in the middle of a storm naked. 0928-18

Are you in the UK? I don’t know what the privacy standards are in UK hospitals or birthing centers but in the US it’s easy to keep specific person or persons out of the labor room. Just tell the head nurse. There will be no videotaping or photography of anything if you do not wish it. Have a talk now with the birthing center or hospital head nurse as to your wishes.

As a former first time grandmother, I can assure you that your MIL’s friends are not invested in being jealous that she might be the first person to see the baby. They likely don’t care. Among my friends, it was typically the mother of the pregnant woman who was allowed in the birthing room to be with her daughter, no husbands and no MIL. Just mom. So consider limiting people in the room to just your husband, the doula/midwife if you have one, the medical staff and your mom claiming nerves as a first time mom. You are about to have a new experience that, while women had given birth for millennia, you have not and it’s scary. You don’t know what to expect.

Your MIL has, perhaps unwittingly, prioritized the future grandbaby over your comfort, almost as if you are the incubator, the means by which she gets a grandchild. That is insensitive and you should tell them that you are not comfortable with the joking at this time.

P.S. Grandmoms may be great but no one replaces mom in a child’s heart, even when they are 30 years old. Be a good mother and all will be well.

Drowning In A Flood of Gimme Pigs

July 16, 2018admin68 Comments

I am expecting my first child next month (February) and I made the decision/Choice/mistake of joining a couple of “Due date groups” on Facebook. These are groups for expecting moms only, who are due in the same month that year. Like any group of people of social networking there were a few bumps (debates of vaccinations, basic safety issues like crib bumpers etc). And while I noticed several postings before the Christmas season about baby showers there weren’t so many that it really piqued my interest.

A little backstory. My husband and are in the uniquely blessed position of having waited until we were a little older to start our family. I am 31 and he’s 41, and as such we’re financially, relationship wise, and career wise much more stable for having waited to start our family. We did this as a conscious decision. I acknowledge that puts me in a different position than many of the women I’m seeing in these groups, I feel lucky for it, but I made my sacrifices too in deciding to wait.

Now that we’re all getting with 2-6 weeks of our due dates many more women are holding showers and well…freaking out about registries. I see daily meltdowns in these groups as women bad talk family who promised them expensive baby items and then couldn’t follow through due to financial problems, friends who refuse to brave severe winter weather to attend, small gatherings not up to their expectations, family who won’t plan events and on. Especially discussed is anger over people not buying off registries, disdain for gifts received, and constant monitoring and updates of how many gifts have been purchased off their registry leading up to the event (while bemoaning how few items have been purchased).

I can’t stand showers as it is. Something about them sets my teeth on edge. I dislike being the center of attention in that manner. Throwing my best friends baby shower a few years back threw me off the entire celebration all together. I offered to throw her a shower, and we’re close like sisters. Close enough for me to make the offer to hold it in my own small home, and for her to know of my fear/discomfort with large gatherings. Imagine my shock when she gave me a 50 person guest list…for a baby shower! Add in her in in laws large group of grandchildren that I’d be expected to entertain, and this shower would be bigger than my 50 person wedding. I gritted my teeth, rented a clubhouse, and used my polite spine to put my polite foot down and insist that this was an adult event and that I would not host it if children were invited. Yes there was heartburn and a few people did not attend, but hosting in and of itself is in a way a gift to the guest of honor, and the hostess has some say in how that gift is presented.

Now I’ll have nothing to do with showers. I won’t attend them and I refused all offers and demands for one of my own. If I receive an invitation to one I will send my regrets and happily send a gift. Is it getting worse, or has Social Media just made me more aware of this flood of gimme pigs? 0110-18

The British Baby Shower…Just Say “No”

June 18, 2018admin44 Comments

As a long-term reader of this site, I’ve come cross many “baby shower” related stories. This is another.

I’m in the UK and the Baby Shower has only very recently made it’s way to us from the US – I’d say within the last five years or so. Admittedly, I know very little about the whole “process” as I don’t have any children nor do a lot of my friends. My family members who have recently had children didn’t have a Baby Shower.

I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with my first (a little girl!) and I’m beyond excited about her arrival. I work full time and I’m quite organised so I budgeted carefully over the past six months or so and managed to purchase the majority of equipment/clothes/nursery furniture for her arrival (with the help of my partner). Of course there are still a few items I need to buy as well as stocking up on nappies and more general things like that – but I’m getting there! I haven’t asked for help or money from parents and I haven’t been gifted anything for the baby just yet.

Having said that, the girls in my office are constantly asking when I’m throwing my Baby Shower. As my pregnancy progresses, the asking has turned to Impatient Demanding near enough with comments such as “you must get this Baby Shower arranged” and “you need to let us know the date of your shower so we can work around it” – also it’ll be thrown into conversations “X will be good for the baby shower!”. These women are excited and impatient about a Shower I have no intention of throwing.

I have said each time the shower was mentioned that I won’t be arranging one. Each time I am met with horrified stares or confusion and so I elaborate further with my reasons – I don’t require one & I am not comfortable with the idea of one and I certainly won’t be throwing myself one. This is met with more strange looks as though I’m being rude and anti social. I suggested instead of a shower situation, we could all go out for a nice lunch before I head off on maternity leave and we can do all the “baby discussions” there! I’m not adverse to receiving gifts for my baby – in fact I’d be so touched – but I certainly don’t want it to be a requirement. The lunch idea was met with near silence pretty much. This isn’t what they had in mind.

I was wondering how I go about this situation now? I’ve already been clear about my personal opinions on the shower idea and tried to suggest an alternative that’ll still show that I’m grateful for their effort and support but I am still being hassled about throwing myself a shower. The rude part of me feels like saying “if you want the shower so much then YOU throw me one” but that seems aggressive and still goes against all my above reasons for not wanting one anyway. I feel these women are getting quite offended by my declining now. Do I .. throw MYSELF a shower anyway just to please them? 0617-18

You have co-workers who are not out for your best interests but rather theirs. They are cruel to offer gifts only under the condition that you host a party. If you want baby gifts you’ll have to work for them. Even worse is the implied exchange of baby gifts for your expenditure of time AND money to host a party for yourself. This isn’t kindness and generosity, it’s bartering of goods and services. Their free time beyond work is far more important than yours since hosting a party in your honor is obviously too onerous to even consider doing.

As has been written here on Ehell many times, you are under no obligation to cater to the demands of rude people who insist you behave in ways you are not comfortable doing.

Think of your remaining weeks at work as preparation for parenthood of very small children. Demanding, incessant whining, selfishness, confusion when confronted with “No”, tantrums, etc., are all childish behaviors every parent encounters when rearing and child training their offspring to eventually be good adults.

The Diaper Card Goes Missing

March 22, 2018admin39 Comments

In case it’s a regional thing, let me explain the event where this occurred. By some of the language and terminology I get the impression that many of the readers are in the UK, but I could be wrong. Diapers are what we call “nappies.” (please feel free to edit this part out if I am wrong)

Around these parts (rural Ohio, USA) instead of a baby shower, expecting parents opt to host what we call a “diaper party.” The attitude is very casual and it’s an all-family event as opposed to just the women at a shower. The understood message is “we don’t want or need gifts, but these are the brand of diapers & wipes we will use, so please bring a pack for us to use when the baby arrives.” No need to wrap since it’s not a surprise present, no guessing, no “will they like this,” and everyone wins.

I recently attended one of these parties hosted by a couple I know who is expecting. They are not “best friends” of mine, but we see each other often and they host many events where I am always invited and welcomed.

Seeing as they often host and I do not have the means to reciprocate (I live in an apartment with roommates) I try to compensate with my bringings to show my appreciation for the invitation. This party was no different. I was at our local warehouse store (Costco, Sams, BJ’s, that sort of thing) and picked up a box of diapers, about $45.00 USD for a box of 174. I found a cute card, taped it securely to the box, and attended the party.

When I arrived, there was the usual groups of guests – some were sitting in the family room watching a sporting event on TV, and the rest were outside playing yard games and enjoying the weather. I was told, “Go on and leave your gifts on the table over there, grab a bite to eat, and join the fun,” which I did. I met up with friends outside until it was time to go inside and open the gifts. I did mention before that it was all about the diapers, but some close friends did bring onesies, toys, and other personal things. Also the couple was able to thank everyone in a group setting as they saw who brought what. Again, very casual.

The gifts were opened, people ooh’ed and ahh’d over the outfits, and guests were thanked as their diaper boxes were seen. I heard my name called, and “Hey, thank you for bringing these! Good to see you again,” while the mother-to-be held up a 12-pack box with my card attached and waved at me. I smiled and responded appropriately, immediately realizing that someone had switched the cards on my box and a smaller one, and took credit for the very large package while leaving me with the smaller one. I did not see who was thanked for my box, so I don’t know who did the switch.

This was several months ago, and for some reason it bugged me again today. I realize that in the grand scheme of things, the family still has the same amount of diapers to use, I won’t be unfriended either in real life or on social media, and the world will continue to turn. I wasn’t expecting the family to pick me up and carry me around the room and cheer for my generosity. However, it was very irritating to know that I made a generous purchase for my friends and someone else took credit for it.

What should I have done in this situation to make things right? I didn’t want to make a scene or otherwise ruin the parents’ special day. Too much time has passed and it would be silly to ever bring it up. However, if I were to ever experience this sort of thing again, how should it be handled? Or do you just smile knowing that the recipient has a gift to enjoy regardless of who it was from, and go on enjoying the party? 0402-17

For all you know, your card fell off the package of diapers and someone reattached it to whatever box of diapers appeared to be cardless. I’m not sure there is any gracious way to point out that the diapers you are being thanked for are not the ones you bought. I suggest taping the card using a very distinctive tape or use duct tape which comes in all kinds of colors and patterns. Better yet, make a diaper “cake”!

I Do Want A Baby Shower! I Don’t Want A Baby Shower!

March 13, 2018March 13, 2018admin39 Comments

After discovering a good friend of mine was pregnant I offered to throw her a shower. She gratefully accepted and over the course of the next few months honed in on what she wanted, how many people, etc. I followed her wishes and signed a contract for a lovely venue that she approved of for the number of guests she’d told me to expect. Two days later she said she had changed her mind and no longer wanted a shower, that it was “too much stress” seven months into her pregnancy. (Note: I have paid for and planned everything, only asking her for a guest list, a vision for the shower, and registry info.) I gently explained I’d put down a hefty non-refundable deposit on the venue and catering, but she was insistent so I began the work of trying to negotiate a cancellation of the contracts. It wasn’t easy and I lost some money on it.

Three days after that she decides that she does want a shower, but she wants it thrown at her home. She insists it “wont’ be a lot of work” and that even though she’d like the new date to be very close to her due date “we can just cancel” if she goes into labor. I again pushed back and explained that throwing a shower in her home would in fact require just as much if not more work than a venue, and that I really wasn’t comfortable “just cancelling” given the time, effort, and expense that goes into planning. (I also wasn’t comfortable with sending an invitation to 90+ people, 90% of whom she knew wouldn’t make it, but wanted to include for the sake of getting gifts off the registry.) She insisted, so I told her I was sorry but while I was happy to help by bringing food or decorations, I couldn’t take on planning this whole new shower after she cancelled the last one with so little thought. She hasn’t spoken to me since, though I did receive an invite to the shower she is throwing for herself! In her home! Hosted by her! (That went to 90+ people.) I don’t even know whether I want to go at this point; I’m so disappointed and hurt by the whole mess, I don’t know if the friendship is worth salvaging. 0919-17

That is certainly a distressing and awkward situation your friend has placed you in. Having offered once to host a shower and been asked to cancel it at cost to yourself, you are under no obligation to host anything further that she wants. What is lacking in your friend is the humility and gratitude that someone cares enough to offer to host a shower in her honor. I’d go so far to say that not caving to her demands is an act of kindness towards her since you are not facilitating a character flaw in her.