I’ve been reading through your archives when I was reminded of the worst event surrounding my husband’s and my wedding (and yes, I realize that I was very fortunate that this was the only issue!) This is truly my husband’s story, although I was privy to parts of it.
As a bit of background, my then Future Husband (FH) and I had met during college via a Live Action Role Play (LARP) group. After we graduated, he joined/helped start a group for the LARP in his hometown, which he invited a number of his coworkers to join. Most of them did, including one whom I’ll call Jay. Jay was one of those guys we’ve probably all encountered in college: a bit too loud, a bit socially awkward, but you’re pretty sure might possibly be coming from an okay place. Except in Jay’s case, once you got friendly, he began to overstep boundaries. Hard.
The worst case was one night while my FH and I were Skyping one another (we had a period of long-distance dating for a while), Jay showed up at FH’s place. At 3 AM. Unannounced and simply just to hang out. When FH told him it wasn’t possible and cited the fact that he and I were currently on the phone, Jay proceeded to make lewd remarks and sounds. Suffice to say, neither my FH or I were particularly happy with him for that one, and FH began to limit contact with Jay. This limiting was further helped by the fact that FH quit that particular job to work elsewhere.
But Jay was still a member of the local LARP chapter, so he knew when I moved in with FH that we were getting married soon.
So he began to pester FH for the date. FH beandipped as best he could for a while (he hasn’t had a lot of practice and tends to be fairly blunt), but eventually, after a LARP meeting, spilled the proverbial beans.
Jay’s immediate question after hearing the date: “So who am I riding down with? And where am I sleeping?”
Please note, FH nor myself had ever made any indication that he was going to be invited to our wedding. In fact, beyond FH’s best man, none of the LARP group had gotten an invitation. So his question was pretty stunning.
FH, trying to be polite about the fact that Jay wasn’t, in fact, invited, told Jay that there wasn’t enough room in cars or a set place to stay. At which point, Jay insisted that we, the wedding couple, could travel in separate cars so he could get a ride and that he’d be willing to sleep on my parents’ floor since that was where we’d be staying!
At that point, FH told Jay outright that he wasn’t invited. Jay at that point looked crestfallen and told my FH, “That cuts me deep, man. That really hurts.” He then got into his car and drove away.
And we’ve literally never heard from him again. 0126-14
Category: Guests
Wedding Wednesday – Money Can Be The Root Of All That Is Evil About Weddings
For today’ post I am going to respond uncharacteristically by breaking down the submitted story and replying to each paragraph individually…..
Hi, can I ask your and your readers’ advice?
You certainly may.
I’ve been divorced for 3 years. My ex and I were married for 30 years and were friends until just a few months ago when we had a falling out. Part of the falling out was I don’t like his new girlfriend, and neither does most of the family. She is cold and snobbish. They have been dating for about 6 months. Our daughter, Lucy, is very angry with me for “breaking up” the family just before Christmas and blames me for the divorce and a lot of other things. Other things she shouldn’t even know about that my ex told her and spun in ways to make me look bad and himself look like poor Mr. Nice Guy. I am completely avoiding him, since I would really like to rip his head off. Lucy is barely talking to me and has been really hateful.
It is unfortunate when children become the battleground upon which their adult parents fight.
Lucy is getting married in 4 months. She has decided to have a very small wedding with just parents, siblings, and grandparents — about 20 people. I want her to include aunts and uncles, as my SIL (ex’s sister), who I am very close to, is very disappointed. Lucy’s other aunt will be heartbroken to not be invited. This would be bring the count to around 30.
Lucy is going to invite the ex’s girlfriend. I don’t want her there, especially since the party is so small and immediate family only. I really don’t want her there since my SIL isn’t going to be invited.
The ex’s girlfriend being there and the bride’s aunt not being invited are two separate issues. Be careful to not take up the offense of your sister-in-law at not being invited. You are justifying rude behavior in retaliation for your sister-in-law not being invited. If most of the family dislikes the ex’s girlfriend, trust me, it will be more awkward for her than it is for you. Imagine being in close quarters with a family that universally disdains you. The best revenge, imo, is to play the part of the gracious mother of the bride and enjoy the family connections that are there. If ex’s girlfriend is truly cold and snobbish, you want to present a totally opposite image of civility, graciousness (defined as kindness to the undeserving) and pleasantness.
Here’s the kicker. My daughter is keeping her wedding tiny so she can use the money the parents are contributing for a house down payment. I had intended to contribute 5k, my ex 3k, which is what we contributed to another child’s wedding last year. Lucy’s wedding is going to cost less than $1k (previous child’s was over $10k).
I really only want to give $1k since she doesn’t have any interest in my wishes. I know this probably makes me sound small and selfish, but I am really hurt and angry about this. Part of me does want to get back at her for being so hateful lately. But mostly I can’t stand the idea of having to be polite to my ex, much less his GF, when people we love are excluded. How bad is it to gift different amounts to children when their expenses are so different? Or can I say to Lucy, if you want my money you have to expand the guest list?
While I appreciate the transparency of your motives, I would caution you to seriously consider the ramifications of what you are pondering doing. You are considering using money to exert your preferences which will come across as manipulative and petty. You will confirm to your daughter that you really are the evil creature her father has portrayed you to be and she is the latest “poor Nice Daughter”. Why behave in ways that plays right into people’s poor perceptions of you?
As for being polite to your ex, you would do well to engage him in what I refer to as “business civility”. A person can be formal, civil, even pleasant to business associates in order to get a job done but that doesn’t mean there is any depth of relationship beyond that. Your job is to get your daughter married with as little drama as possible and that means you will greet the bride’s father with a polite “Good morning” and then interact with him throughout the day in a business-like manner which may include having to chat about very superficial topics and stand in proximity to him for photos.
It is certainly within your prerogative to decide the parameters of your monetary gift. But be careful, if you did not have these parameters in place with the other child’s wedding last year, you will come across as the evil mother who rewards one child and punishes the other. There is the real possibility of creting divisiveness between your children.
What you can do is state that your offer for Lucy and the other child was to pay for a wedding, not a down payment for a house. But if the money for the other child’s wedding was presented as a gift to do with as he/she pleases, I think you are stuck with the obligation to be consistent.
On Ehell there’s been the steady belief that he who would holds the purse string calls the shots. But in your case, I would be very careful how you call those shots because this is a situation where it can backfire rather spectacularly with repercussions well into the future.
To add detail, the original plan for 20 was due to a very small location, but Lucy intended a big casual BBQ celebration a few months later. That plan has been dropped due to cost, and now it’s just a restaurant dinner following the ceremony for the 20 guests (location can accommodate 30, easily).
One last thing, if Lucy insists on ex’s GF attending, can I insist on a plus one, too? I’ll take my SIL as my guest.
Sure! I wouldn’t “insist” but merely make the observation that since the father of the bride has the liberty to bring a “plus one”, you would appreciate the same opportunity.
Thank you. 0131-17
You are welcome.
Wedding Wednesday – The High Maintenance Wedding Guest
We have a very high maintenance, not to mention rude, relative I’ll call Susie. She says she has all sorts of “ailments” , none have been proven and they always seem to crop up when another relative is in the hospital. She’s had several for years with no symptoms. And says she is allergic to tomatoes. Sshe may be, I don’t know. But she is a compulsive liar, so who really knows.
We were at a cousin’s wedding and no choices were given for the meal, like at some weddings. The wedding was lovely, but Susie tried to snag a front row seat, so “she could see”. I was under the impression the front row is reserved for the immediate family, parents and siblings, not cousins. Susie knows this and was not happy to be relegated to the 3rd row where she couldn’t see as well.
When the meal was served to Susie, the dish had tomatoes in it. Susie and her daughter were highly offended that her dish had tomatoes in it as did everyone else’s. It’s not like she was singled out. Her daughter made a stink to the wait staff and even went to the bride’s father to complain! The bride should not have to keep track of her 150 guests dietary restrictions and needs. Especially on her wedding day! That is the responsibility of the guest. The wait staff was very accommodating and replaced the dish with one sans tomatoes. But, her daughter was still fuming over it the rest of the night! I do understand people have allergies and I am very sympathetic to that. But, Susie has lied so many times over the years and likes to have all the attention on herself, it’s hard to know if she really is allergic or just wanting attention. 1203-16
Wedding Wednesday – The Gift of Labor Is Very Expensive
A friend of mine, J, has recently become engaged to her partner.
I previously worked as J’s personal assistant. She is a wheelchair user and hired me to help with tasks like washing up and laundry, which involved standing for prolonged periods. At the time, J was very clear; she wanted a very firm line between employee time and friend time, and it was very important to her that she pay me or other PAs for the hours worked.
I stopped working for J several years ago. I am also friends with her fiancé, who introduced us.
Shortly after announcing her engagement, J sent me a text asking if I’d be up for taking an hour or two to help her with the catering at the wedding. They’re planning a two-day extravaganza.
Puzzled, I asked if she and her fiancé were doing most of it by themselves. She told me that they weren’t; they’d hired professional caterers for the first day, but planned to be ‘entirely self-catering’ for day two. They have one friend coordinating, and they’ve asked everyone to pitch in and help. She also mentioned that her fiancé, who struggles with anxiety, finds catering relaxing, as it takes the pressure away from social events, and she had hoped that I’d find it similarly soothing.
While J and her fiancé are lovely people, I’m really surprised that they’d decide to throw a bigger wedding than they can afford and ask people to fill in as staff. I’m particularly surprised considering her views on PAs. I’d think of it as the same issue; if I’m a guest, I’m a guest. If I’m staff, I’m staff. I’m much happier with those restrictions than with blurred lines! I also don’t feel it’s appropriate to ask for help rather than to wait for it to be offered.
Finally, while my partner and I are invited to both days of Wedfest, some people are invited only to the wedding or only to one day of the event.
I’ve declined to help, on the grounds that I’d struggle with the distinction between staff and guest, and citing how much I agreed with her firm line between PA time and friend time, especially since she was describing doing something for her and her fiancé, not with them. I’ve not heard from her since – two months now – though we do regularly have periods where we don’t communicate frequently.
Ehellions, what would you recommend here? Was I too harsh? How would you bring this up? Would you at all? 1127-15
I’ve found over the years that situations such as this are the result of brides having an unrealistic expectation that their friends are there to serve at the wedding…as if their friends owe them and have a duty to make the wedding exceptional. It’s an epiphany moment when you realize that your value to the bride isn’t for the friendship but rather the commodity of labor you can bring to the wedding. You can offer your labor as a gift but that kind of gift, a very expensive one btw, is given at the initiative of the giver. No bride on the planet should ever presume to believe she is owed this gift or worse, actually asks for it as if she expects it to be given to her.
Wedding Wednesday – No Alcohol, No Gift, No Boyfriend
I attended the wedding of a good friend this evening. I’ve just gotten home and absolutely HAD to send this story in.
My friend Mel works and her husband Grant work in IT and design fields. They are incredibly talented, producing some gorgeous work between them and because of this they decided to do a bit of a DIY wedding. It was an absolutely magical event and I could not imagine a wedding being more beautiful than theirs was. They had delicious buffet style food ranging from vegan meals, fish, chicken, beef and there was so much of it that no one went hungry, most people could fit in dessert which abundant and once again completely delicious. Their wedding had live music and they made sure to personally thank everyone in person for attending. I’m only outlining these things to say that the wedding was wonderful and no one could complain about anything, they truly went above and beyond to ensure their wedding was enjoyable for everyone.
Now, here lies the problem. Mel and Grant tend to not drink alcohol, it’s not a secret and most people are well aware of it. Even leading up to the event Mel made sure to call every person invited and explain to them that while her and grant don’t drink that there would be a cash bar available for people who wished to drink. Everyone was happy with this level of transparency, and brought cash for the bar if they wanted to drink alcohol. Soda, alcohol free wine, juice, coffee and tea were all available for free.
Skipping forward to the reception one rather obnoxious guest (who I later find out is Mel’s brother’s girlfriend.) is NOT amused by the idea of having to pay to get “wasted” and was heard more than once during the reception complaining loudly that the only reason she came to this crap was to get drunk on someone else’s money. She was constantly trying to get the bartender to give her free drinks or that the bride requested the bartender set up a tab that the bride will pay later. Fortunately they bartender was not foolish enough to believe it.
Then about halfway through the evening I witness this woman telling the bride it was a pathetic evening and “who ever heard of a wedding without alcohol, that’s the only reason people go to weddings.” Then she says, “I’ll be taking my wedding gift back too considering I had to buy my own alcohol”.
The bride just shrugs and walks off to enjoy her evening.
About 10 minutes later I saw the rude guest leaving, with her wedding gift in hand.
As I logged into social media upon returning home, I noticed Mel’s brother updated his relationship status to “single”. 0903-16