Category: Invitations

Recently I was informed that one of my younger cousins was getting married. I automatically asked when etc and was told, “Oh, you won’t be invited. Only immediate family is going.”

My reply was, “I wasn’t expecting an invitation, I am not close to Cousin X. I just wanted to know when to send a card.” I have now been labeled as rude in the family. Was I? 0806-18

No, you were not rude. If you asked, “Where is the wedding?”, that could look like you were scheming to crash it but responding to news of an engagement with the question, “When?” , shouldn’t be construed to mean you are angling for an invitation. Sometimes give-and-take banter is just normal conversation.

P.S. It’s appropriate to send a congratulatory card upon hearing of the engagement. No need to wait until the wedding date is imminent.

Hey friends!

I have a question about STD/ invitation etiquette and was wondering if you could help me.

I received a save the date from a sweet friend who was happy for me to be at her wedding. The wedding is is January and I have yet to receive the formal invitation. Would it be rude of me to ask her if she sent it? I’ve been having problems with mail getting delivered so I want to make sure I didn’t miss it. But I also don’t want to cause an awkward moment if she didn’t send one.

Thank you all! 1021-18

My second cousin was getting married in my hometown. We are not close; I hadn’t seen him in at least 3 years and had only met the bride-to-be once. My siblings and I don’t live in our hometown, but all live within a couple hours drive. A few months before the wedding, my mother told us the date and advised we should put it on our calendars. About 2 months before the wedding, she texts me and asks if I received an invitation. I had not. “You must be invited on our invitation, then,” she replied. “They don’t have your address.” I told her no one had asked for my address.

She sent me a picture of her invitation, including the envelope. The envelope was addressed to Dad and Mom LastName. There was no indication that my siblings and I were invited. (We are all in our late 20s/early 30s and haven’t lived with my parents in years). I took from this that I was not invited.

I spoke to my mother on the phone a few days later and she was insistent that my siblings and I were invited under her invitation. “You’re family!” She explained. I told her I would not be attending if I didn’t receive an invitation to my house.

Over the next few weeks, my parents continued to try and convince me to go. My siblings said they had other plans, although I’m not sure if they actually did or if they were trying to avoid going to a wedding they weren’t invited to. Three weeks before the wedding, I received an invitation. It was postmarked a few days before, so it wasn’t lost in the mail. My mother had asked my cousin’s mother to send me an invitation, since I was refusing to come.

They ended up calling off the wedding a week before the ceremony, and I was a little relieved to not have to attend a wedding I wasn’t sure if the couple actually intended to invite me to. 0905-18

Love your blog. I was just going through some old posts and it made me think of a story to share.

About a year after my husband (L) and I were married, a friend of L’s from college was getting married. His fiance had also gone to our college but was a few years behind us, so I knew the groom somewhat but not really the bride. She seemed like a nice girl, though! We RSVP’ed as soon as we got the invitation (knowing how frustrating it is when people don’t) and were really excited to go. The wedding was at a nice hotel in our area, and L’s former roommate was a groomsman, so we knew we would have a lovely time.

The day before their wedding my husband got a bad flu! Like, 102 degree fever flu. He hoped he would feel better the next day but he woke up just as sick. I guess this is where I went astray but having just been married myself I used my own experience as a guide: I didn’t contact the bride or groom to say we wouldn’t be coming because I knew at that point the venue wouldn’t “subtract” two people from the cost, and I didn’t want to burden them on their wedding day to have to stop and reply to a text from people that they didn’t even see very much. (Really, in the three years L and I had been married at that point we had seen them maybe twice, including the time at our own wedding.) And, frankly, I didn’t think they would notice we weren’t there since we weren’t close and their wedding was about 125 people.

Well, the groomsman who was the old roommate texted shortly after the reception started to ask where we were and to say the bride and groom were looking for us. I replied that L had a high fever so we hadn’t made it but we would be sending a gift right away.

Tthe next day when we got a nasty text from the bride. She couldn’t believe we didn’t show up since we had just gotten married ourselves and we KNEW how much a wedding costs and how could we not have told them we weren’t coming. My reply was very terse along the lines of, “L came down suddenly with a high fever, thank you for your concern.” I don’t remember now her reply but it just doubled down on what she’d already said, no concern, no “hope you feel better.” (At that point, we decided no gift.)

So maybe six months later we were at a party at the old roommate’s place and this couple was there. They were being very nice and I’d had a few drinks, so I felt magnanimous. I said to the (now) wife, “You know, I’m ready to let bygones be bygones.” I was thinking, “Weddings are stressful, sometimes people freak out. I know L misses his friend. I can totally let this go.” And she looked me dead in my eye and said (sincerely!), “Oh, I’m not mad about that anymore!”

Like I said, I guess I was wrong for not texting them to say we weren’t coming but her tone right off the bat was hostile (if you care enough about us to notice we weren’t there, don’t you care enough to ask if we’re okay?) and even after I explained L was sick she kept on. We didn’t frivolously decide not to go and we didn’t know far enough ahead of time for it to make a difference in their expenses. I can accept my share of “wrongness” but I will not accept that her response was proportionate or appropriate. (Needless to say, that party is the last time we spoke to or saw them.)  0627-18