Bridal Showers – Etiquette Hell

Wedding Wednesday – Shared Bachelorette Party Expenses (The Dame sees red)

February 7, 2018February 7, 2018admin115 Comments

I’m going to do something I haven’t done in years and that is to respond to a submission story line by line. My comments in red.

I hope you can tell me what you think of this situation.

A friend is getting married soon and her best friend and her sister organized the bachelorette party, which consists of…
– afternoon at a spa, with a special treatment for the bride
– bowling
– dinner at one of her favorite restaurants.

Wow, most brides would (or should) be happy to be the recipient of just ONE of these events. Let me clarify that what is being organized is not a single party but rather a series of events, each costing money.

Even though the bachelorette is planned for a Saturday, some of the guests couldn’t make it because of work or previous commitments. Others will skip one of the activities or join us only for dinner. (I am probably making it sound like a huge group, but the final count for dinner was 6 people including the bride. I am not entirely sure how many were invited in first place, but I think the original guest list had another 5 or 6 people).

And by “guests”, I’m assuming you mean bridesmaids and close family like mothers? Had it occurred to any of the organizers that a 50% rsvp rate may be indicative of guests not wanting to be used to fund what may be considered a rather extravagant treat for the bride?

Since there are a bit less active participants than expected, the two organizers asked if some of the other people invited wanted to contribute to the bride’s part for the day activities anyway. They sent one single message to the group chat and that was it: no further mentions or pressure or guilt trips.

So, a series of events are planned, as well as the purchase of “gadgets”( see below), with the expectation that these 10 or 11 guests would be sharing all expenses. Wasn’t that rather presumptuous to plan and execute an event that requires the shared financial burden of all the guests without those guests having any input into the plans?

They also said that we’d be splitting the dinner check between ourselves (excluding the Bride, obviously): we did not have time to plan a menu with the restaurant and, since there is also a special charity dinner that same evening, it’s unlikely we can get separate checks.

When you write, “…we did not have time to plan a menu…”, does that indicate you are one of the organizers? It takes 15 minutes on the phone to arrange a specific menu for a special occasion.

One of the guests, who honestly had been a pain (of the I-will-shoot-down-every-idea-but-offer-no-alternatives variety) throughout the whole planning, immediately said she was only going to pay for herself because she wouldn’t eat much. When the others pointed out that it wasn’t practical, she started throwing a fit: she has no money, the gadgets we got were too expensive (the “gadgets”? What are those? In addition to spa treatment, bowling and dinner, the group is expected to help fund the purchase of these “gadgets” as well?), the whole thing was way too expensive, she has to pay for more for gas (because she lives in the middle of nowhere), she is tired of paying for other people’s food and so forth. She also complained about being asked to contribute to the day activities and being “forced” to air her financial situation.

Please let me clarify: the message wasn’t aimed at her. The message was aimed at the 5-6 people who rsvped in the negative. That’s a small pool of people. As I said, there are people who aren’t coming at all, people who are skipping one of the two activities and others who are only joining us for dinner. Speaking of dinner, the restaurant is nice, but it’s on the mid-level price range. But add in spa treatments, bowling and “gadgets”, this day is getting quite expensive.

I get it: when going dutch, some people pay more and some people pay less. However, I am astonished about complaints about costs before we actually know what the cost will be! I nearly spit my sweet tea all over the monitor reading that!   The organizers have no idea, due to a lack of planning, what the overall costs will be so to my thinking it is quite reasonable for guests to balk at agreeing to pay a portion of an undetermined amount of money. Also, it’s not like everybody else has money to burn and will demand oysters, caviar and champagne. There is always one mooch at these “dutch” events who exploits the situation to get more.

To be honest, I couldn’t help but think that, if her finances are in such a bad shape, she should have just declined the invitation in first place or bowed out later when she realized she couldn’t afford it.

Now you are sounding like the bride…or her sister. You appear to have a perspective that the ability to afford everything the bride believes she is entitled to receive is the criteria for being a bridesmaid.   Poor, or at least fiscally challenged, people have a duty to decline the alleged honor of being a wedding attendant when that “honor” goes beyond buying a dress, wedding gift and travel expenses?   Had it occurred to you that 50% of the invited guests who declined to attend this bachelorette party were “bowing out” as well?

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that? Yep. Were the organizers out of line with their request? 0112-18

When planning an event that will require the shared financial resources of all the guests, the hosts/organizers have two options available to them.

Option 1: Plan the event knowing what the cost per person will be, invite guests with that information fully disclosed ahead of time and if the number of guests attending is less than what is needed to financially break even, the hosts/organizers have an obligation to eat the difference themselves.

Option 2:   “Hey fellow bridesmaids!   I think it would be great if we could plan a nice afternoon and evening of special bachelorette events for the bride such as spa treatments, bowling, dinner and ‘gadgets’. Can everyone pitch in $20 to cover the bride’s expenses?”   Based on the input received from that discussion, the hosts/organizers plan what can be afforded.   Instead of an afternoon of spa treatments which can cost in the hundreds of dollars, maybe all that can be afforded is a mani/pedi.

Wedding Wednesday – Raffle Tickets, Anyone?

November 29, 2017November 28, 2017admin46 Comments

My BIL, John, is getting married to his fiancee Amy in two weeks. The festivities leading up to this wedding have been cringe-worthy to say the least. They include:

– Wedding invitations requesting an 8/27 RSVP response for a 10/10 wedding. We discovered after the fact that the John and Amy have an “A list” and a “B list.” I assume we’re supposed to be happy that we’re at least considered A list and didn’t need to wait for members of the A list to decline John and Amy’s kind invitation to receive one of our own.

– Wedding invitations that included the verbiage “We are registered at X and Y, if you wish to bring a gift.” This verbiage was not included in an insert or on a wedding website. This verbiage was centered in the middle of the invitation when one opened it. It was literally the first thing one saw – even before the wedding location.

– Wedding registries at X and Y included potato chips; Excedrin; a Batman piggy bank; and several kinds of candy.

On to the shower…

I offered to throw Amy a small bridal shower in my home for John’s side of the family. At first, my offer was accepted. It was then declined with the request that I assist Amy’s sister Stephanie with the shower Stephanie was already planning for Amy’s side of the family. When I discovered the guest list for Stephanie’s shower had 120+ people on it, I declined but reiterated my offer to throw a smaller shower for just John’s side of the family in my home. My offer was accepted the second time, and we had a lovely bridal shower with 20 guests, no games and plenty of food for all.

This past Saturday, I attended the shower Stephanie threw in Amy’s honor. Of the 120+ invitations that went out, approximately 40 guests accepted. We arrived and everyone was provided lunch and cake. We then sat for approximately 40 minutes waiting for the hostesses to clean up lunch and cake before Amy was allowed to open gifts. During this 40 minute wait, one of the bridesmaids walked the room with a bucket and raffle tickets. I wish this bridesmaid was selling raffle tickets for a child’s school fundraiser. Instead, this bridesmaid was informing guests that they had elected not to play games for prizes at the shower. Instead, guests were invited to PURCHASE raffle tickets for a prize drawing. Tickets were $2 ea or 3 for $5. All funds raised from ticket sales would go to Amy to offset wedding costs. When asked, I politely demurred by stating I had no cash on me. I did hear another guest state, “Oh. If Amy needs money, I can give her money but I have no interest in raffle tickets.” That guest literally became my new hero.

After we left the shower, my MIL thanked me for throwing Amy a shower for John’s side of the family as she “would never have lived it down with FIL’s sisters had they attended a shower where raffle tickets were sold.”

I almost can’t wait to see what kind of shenanigans occur at the actual wedding! 0930-15

Wedding Wednesday – How To Quit Your Attendant “Job”

November 8, 2017November 8, 2017admin78 Comments

I am one of 5 bridesmaids, DH is one of 5 groomsmen and our son is the ring bearer for a very posh type $100,000 wedding…There is no MOH or Best Man.

All the bridesmaids got together and planned what we thought was going to be a fun shower type event (the bride wants 3 showers). Ours, the bride wanted to be fun and for the younger crowd of wedding guests.

One of the bridesmaids slipped and let out some of the details…only for the bride to break out in hysterics screaming and crying almost to the point of hyperventilating, saying that it wasn’t what she wanted and that none of her bridesmaids knew her as well as she thought and we were all clueless and our ideas were completely TACKY! The groom then chimed in saying that having a co-ed shower (which was being done to honor him as well) was ridiculous, because most of the people would be couples, and couples won’t give two separate gifts! He then went on and on about how the showers were to be a money maker and to lavish them with gifts.

This went on to the point that both myself and another bridesmaid AND the bride’s mother were in tears…

The Zillas went on to say how they were stressed because of the cost of their wedding and the bridal party should be saving money on the shower to put towards a large check to help pay for “the main event”.

I am beyond mad with this whole event. We have since changed the venue and guest list as well as theme, food, favours and everything else in between…only to get an email last night saying that we need to change it all over again because this isn’t what they want either!!! 0312-09

It is quite possible and even acceptable to “fire” oneself from being a wedding attendant. “I’m so sorry but we can no longer continue in our roles as groomsman/bridesmaid due to unforeseen circumstances. We wish you all the best for the future and your marriage.” No need to explain what, exactly, the unforeseen circumstances are.

There is no point in trying to please the ungrateful, greedy people of this world.

Wedding Wednesday – Volunteer Vendoring Rarely Appreciated

October 4, 2017October 1, 2017admin50 Comments

Several years ago, my then-boyfriend and I agreed to cater the bridal shower for his childhood best friend’s girlfriend’s sister (yes, in retrospect this already sounds like a bad idea – and yes, the sister of the bride was hosting the shower, a big faux pas). However, we both worked in the food service industry and enjoyed cooking together, so it seemed like it could be fun. We agreed to provide food for a small fee plus the cost of ingredients since they were on a limited budget. We met with the sister to come up with a simple menu a month before the shower. She informed us that several people were allergic to dairy and gluten, and we made an appropriate menu to meet these needs.

About two weeks later my then-boyfriend received a call from her saying that the shower was over-budget, and would we be willing to cater for only the cost of the ingredients? He agreed. I was nervous, but it seemed too late to back out. There were only twenty people invited to the shower, so it was not too much work.

The morning of the shower, after we had already spent several hours prepping food from the pre-approved menu the sister called and informed us that the mother of the bride – her own mother! – was deathly allergic to nuts, and could we make sure that there were food options available that were uncontaminated by nuts. It was very unclear why this had not been stated when we asked about food allergies of guests when planning the menu. As those of you who bake know, nut flours are common substitutes for desserts that are gluten-free, so the entire kitchen was contaminated by multiple varieties of nuts. I almost gave up then, but we cleaned and sanitized the kitchen and continued cooking.

At the venue, things went as smoothly as could be expected. The venue itself was odd, as it was a gym space that could have easily held fifty or more people and only twenty were invited, and five or six people did not show up. However, the bride and her fiance seemed happy (the bride seemed incredibly easygoing, and was incredibly sweet during the whole shower).

After the shower, the sister comes up to us and asks us if, because a quarter of the guests didn’t show up, she could pay us only three quarters of the cost of ingredients. Keep in mind that we had already forgone any fee for our actual services, and we had already purchased ingredients for twenty guests. I insisted that we be reimbursed for the cost of ingredients, and she very very grudgingly agreed, with lots of grumbling and snide comments. We escaped as quickly as we could (with leftovers). The sister had several other moments worthy of Etiquette Hell (the outfit she wore to her sister’s shower was towards the far side of inappropriate), but this was the most prolonged and painful. 0612-16

Wedding Wednesday – When You Are Good Enough To Get A Gift From But Not Good Enough To Be Invited To The Wedding

December 7, 2016admin89 Comments

My husband’s cousin “L” got engaged to his girlfriend “M” last Fall and Husband and I were very excited for them! Although we’re all around the same age (late 20’s/ early 30’s) and live in the same area, we aren’t super close to L and M and only see them at family functions. We do all get along though. I’ve known L for 5 years and M for 2.

I recently received invitations to both a bachelorette party and bridal shower for M and both events are taking place later this month. The problem is that Husband and I haven’t been invited to the actual wedding. My first thought was that perhaps it would be a destination wedding, since M is from a different part of the country, or that the bachelorette and bridal showers are very early and the wedding won’t be for many months.

Well. We found out that the wedding is at the end of this summer and is in our home city. The venue they chose is small so the guest list can’t be more than 50 people or so. Husband has a very large extended family, so it makes sense to me that if they were trying to cut down on the guest list some of the cousins wouldn’t make the cut, however Husband is very hurt that we weren’t invited (but that’s something the two of them need to sort out by themselves).

My question is whether it’s rude for M to invite someone to the bachelorette/ bridal shower but not the wedding, even if it’s a small ceremony/ reception. On one hand, I feel like maybe they want to celebrate with as many people as possible but on the other hand it seems strange to attend these events meant to celebrate and prepare for a wedding that I’m not invited to. I don’t have plans on either of the days so I could attend both events but I’m not sure that I want to. Which brings me to my other question: is it gauche for me to decline these events without actually having conflicting plans and to also not send a gift along with my regrets? I don’t really want to attend any events where my presence is an afterthought (like the idea of a “B-list” guest) but I also don’t want to burn any bridges with my husband’s family. Any advice would be appreciated! 0713-16

It is a major faux pas to invite people to a wedding shower who are not invited to the actual wedding. It screams, “Your presents are far more important than your presence at my wedding,” or worse, “You are a second class guest who is good for a wedding gift or help pay for my drinks at the bachelor/rette party but whom I have no desire to make sure is actually invited to my wedding.” I don’t want to hear any of that garbage about “sharing the joy” with as many people as possible. If the bride and groom had prioritized relationships as being the most important, they would have found a venue that fit the required number of people they want to include in their “joy”. I’ve seen far too many weddings where the couple wants a specific church or reception location or they want an expensive dinner which then limits the number of people that can be invited. Once that choice has been made, a person must deceive themselves into thinking friends and family who were not invited are going to be thrilled to death to be invited to any wedding related activity, particularly ones which involve the receipt of money or gifts. Find something else to do those days…..get something planned and decline the invitations citing a conflict in your schedule.