Sugar Momma

by admin on April 15, 2010

According to MIL, diabetes is not an excuse to inconvenience everyone.

It was agreed upon very early that the in-laws (ILs) would host us a rehearsal dinner the day before our wedding. Fast forward to two months before the wedding. She called to discuss schedules for rehearsal and dinner. She told me she planned on having the rehearsal at 7:00 PM the day before the wedding then have the rehearsal dinner after. Estimated start of the dinner would be between 9:00 PM and 9:30. At this point of the story I should mention that my mother has insulin dependent juvenile diabetes. She has to eat at certain times or her sugar becomes unmanageable and to be blunt she either faints or goes into a coma.

I mention to MIL my mother’s condition and that I would like her to eat with us and would appreciate it if we could have the dinner before the rehearsal. To MIL this was unacceptable. Her exact words were, “Why should all of us be inconvenienced for her?”  Later that night I talked to DH and he talked to MIL. She then changes it so that the dinner is at 5:00pm and the rehearsal will be afterwards.

Problem solved? Wrong. Two days before the dinner she calls to tell me the time has changed due to DH’s brother getting in late; which would cause him to miss the dinner. I bring up my mother. MIL tells me, “I think it’s just selfish that your mother is using this as an excuse to inconvenience everyone. No one has the dinner before the rehearsal. It comes down to the fact that my son being there is more important than whether or not your mother eats. She can just pack crackers or something to hold herself over. I’ve made up my mind. <phone hangs up>”   I literally had to pick my jaw up off the floor. I alerted my family to MIL’s behavior and we came up with another plan.

We chose to have our own rehearsal dinner with my mom at the originally scheduled time with my side of the family, just at a different place. It worked out wonderfully for us because we were not starving during the rehearsal. MIL’s rehearsal dinner food was served around 10:00 PM. I would also like to add MIL was none too pleased that no one from the bride’s side ate anything at her rehearsal dinner.

After the wedding, I told her she had nothing to be upset over. After all, DH’s brother was at the dinner. And I continued to tell her that since I figured she didn’t mind that my mother would not be able to eat at the rehearsal dinner, since medically she was not capable, that she wouldn’t mind if we all chose not to eat so she wouldn’t stand out.

{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }

PrincessSimmi April 15, 2010 at 5:51 am

I laughed when I read this. Good on you for standing up to your MIL! Your Mum carried you for 9months, gave birth to you, raised you, and all the while had to keep herself healthy enough to care for you. Good on you for standing up to the MIL and taking care of your Mum now.

Also, kudos to your DH for standing up to the miserable old bat. If he hadn’t or had taken her side I’d be screaming “Run!”. Having family (BIL) there is important too, but really, does MIL want your Mum to DIE to suit her?

MIL- grow up. You are not 3 and your tantrums are not cute, nor are they warranted. The world does not revolve around you.

I’m sure if it was HER with the life-threatening medical condition the whole party would have been according to her schedule and everything would revolve around her. What a cow.

Congratulations on your wedding, I hope you’ll be very happy together. Watch out for MILzillas!

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janie April 15, 2010 at 7:08 am

Wow. You have probably got her peeved off for life. Speaking from the standpoint of a MIL who has hosted a rehearsal dinner….I’d be more than a little ticked if the bride’s family did their own dinner and refused to eat anything that I went to the expense of having at the originally planned rehearsal dinner. 10pm is too late in the evening… I can relate to your mom’s condition, however, she could of eaten a small meal at her regular eating time and this wouldn’t have become an issue. I think both sides could use a little flexibility.

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Imissweekends! April 15, 2010 at 7:40 am

I’m so glad to finally read a story where the LW stands up for him/herself/family and doesn’t let someone else get away with his/her rudeness.

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PinkPenguin April 15, 2010 at 8:39 am

I’m an insulin-dependent diabetic and have been for well over 30+ years.

Honestly, I do not expect everyone else to rearrange their plans to suit my needs. Over the years, I have attended weddings/graduations/showers/etc. when the mealtime was inconvenient for me. I have had my “meal” (sufficient crackers and peanut butter and some kind of portable fruit) when I needed to and then have attended the event at which I’ve nibbled some raw veggies/salad (things that won’t cause a significant rise in blood sugar), had a non-alcoholic beverage, and have focused on enjoying the company. If anyone were to question why I wasn’t “eating” I’ve offered a simple explanation that my eating has to coincide with my meds and then, in the words of e-hellions, “bean dipped”.

I know this was the MOB we’re talking about in this instance, and it would have been *nice* if the hostess had rearranged the dinner but she was under no technical obligation to do so.

What was rude was the MIL’s initial agreement to do the rearranging and then switching it at the last minute (and general snotty attitude).

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Kate April 15, 2010 at 8:57 am

Brilliant! The perfect way to handle it!

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AS April 15, 2010 at 9:17 am

Very rude behaviour. Good that your family went on with the dinner plans before the rehearsal. Sometimes selfish manipulative rude behaviour can only be countered by standing up and doing what you want to do – even if it would have been rude in normal circumstances. My mother is diabetic too, so I totally understand how important it is for diabetics to eat their meals on time. No one has ever objected to my mother eating earlier during any family gatherings, even if other guests (including us) eat later. I can’t believe your MIL actually said “It comes down to the fact that my son being there is more important than whether or not your mother eats.”!
I am surprised that your DH did not say anything else to his mother. I mean, it is his wedding too; and he should have realized that a person’s health is way more important than the attendance of a guest (even if it is his brother!).

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sue April 15, 2010 at 9:21 am

nice, poor thing trying to plan a nice get together and a horrible person uses their health to ruin it:( Really your poor mom, if she could have helped it I am sure she would have. You were perfectly in the right, you did as she asked, and too bad if you could not eat with her.

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shiksagoddess April 15, 2010 at 9:35 am

What it comes down to is that your MIL forgot who the party was for. Obviously, not for you and your DH. I think you handled it the best way you could, given the circumstance.

By the by, I’m also an insulin-dependent diabetic. The very notion of “eating a little something first” and then a full meal at 10:00 p.m. is ridiculous – and very unsafe. For diabetics, timing is everything.

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phoenix April 15, 2010 at 9:49 am

I like how MIL was outraged that everyone would be inconvenienced by your mother, but not that they would be by a member of her family. 10 pm dinner? Geez! True, you’ve probably alienated her for life, and she may have some just cause for being angry- she did go to a lot of wasted trouble and expense. But if she is pulling this kind of behavior now, it’s probably good to start life as her DIL having made a stand without throwing a fit.

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Leslie April 15, 2010 at 9:50 am

What an unfortunate foot on which to have started your married life and your relationship with your mother in law.

Frankly, expecting anyone to wait to that late hour to eat is unreasonable. I’ve never attended rehearsal dinner that started later than 7:00 or 7:30pm. On the other side of the equation, though, I have to wonder how much money and food was wasted by half of the guests refusing to eat without any advance warning.

I agree completely that the MIL was rude, but answering rudeness with more rudeness never fixes anything. There had to have been a more positive way to resolve the situation.

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Claddagh Lass April 15, 2010 at 10:42 am

That’s a great way to handle it. :)

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tryst April 15, 2010 at 10:57 am

Your MIL may have been rude, but so were you. There are two sides to your family now and you’re just going to have to deal with it. You should not have expected your MIL to rearrange the gift that she was giving you to accomodate one person. Yes, she could have been kinder and shouldn’t have changed her mind at the last minute, but you were disrespectful to ask her to exclude someone from her family to accomodate an eating schedule that could have been modified easily to suit the established schedule (as the diabetic above pointed out.) It was extremely rude of you to plan a separate dinner and basically throw her gift to you in her face. I’m shocked that your mother went along with it. I think you’ll find as your time in her family progesses that it wasn’t worth it. The hurt over this incident won’t just go away.

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Oh Joy April 15, 2010 at 11:16 am

I read this from a different angle…

Let’s leave off the dynamics and exchanges between the bride and the MIL. In keeping with tradition, the MIL offered to incur the time and expense of hosting a rehearsal dinner after the rehearsal. The bride requested the dinner be held before the rehearsal because one person needs to eat their dinner earlier in the evening, and when the MIL still held the dinner after the rehearsal, the bride deliberately arranged a separate dinner for her own family and showed up at the hostess’ dinner – where she was the guest of honor – with her and her own family having already eaten.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. While both the bride and the MIL were not working cooperatively, the bride’s final action was the most inappropriate part of the entire situation. Asserting her independence is an important part of establishing the relationship, but not at the expense of demonstrating her own lack of etiquette.

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Rebecca April 15, 2010 at 11:18 am

I think the best course of action would have been to decline your MIL’s offer to host and just hosted the entire event yourselves at a time and in a manner that worked best for you and your future husband.

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Margaret April 15, 2010 at 11:26 am

There are two different things going on here: the diabetic’s need for nutrition, and the family celebration. It sounds as if both sides were pretty tactless, but I’m with PinkPenguin. Diabetic mom should have eaten earlier separately, and Bride should have been gracious enough to go along with the HOSTESS’S reaosnable wish to have the groom’s brother attend. Really abused her mother in law’s hospitality.

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Melissa April 15, 2010 at 11:32 am

I think some responses are missing the point. The MIL had, albeit reluctantly, agreed to schedule the dinner for 5PM, then changed it last minute (2 days before) to be after the rehearsal because she didn’t want her son to miss it. So what about all the people who had made plans (baby sitters, scheduled time off work and/or travel) to accommodate the 5PM time and were suddenly expected to scramble to deal with a much later start time? That’s hardly fair for the guests, particularly if any had young children.

Had I been the bride, not only would I have had the earlier meal with my family, I’d have stood up at 9PM, announced it was lovely to see everyone, but that I needed to get my beauty rest for the next day, and left!

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SportsFan88 April 15, 2010 at 11:42 am

10:00 p.m. the day before the wedding would have been way to late for me as well – either for eating or just being out that late in general.

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Scarlett April 15, 2010 at 12:37 pm

The MIL was rude about it, but really, your mom couldn’t have brought a snack? Like Pink Penguin’s answer indicated, there were ways around this.

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PlaidMama April 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Melissa, the point wasn’t missed at all. No one disagrees that the MIL handled the entire thing poorly and was less than gracious about her hosting. She was clearly rude. But to suggest that gives the bride permission to publicly humiliate her new family is childish. She’s going to be dealing with the ramifications of her actions for the rest of her marriage, and put her husband in a horribly awkward position between the two most important women in his life. Two wrongs don’t make a right. This entire event WILL come up again and again in the marriage, I can guarantee it.

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BB-VA April 15, 2010 at 1:35 pm

It might depend on the condition of the mother. Being an insulin-dependent diabetic (as well as the mother of one), I’ve been doing the drill for 32 years. Some diabetics are MUCH more sensitive than others. While peanut butter crackers may be adequate for one person, for another they may not even come close to helping tide the person over until a late dinner is served. I do OK with something like that – but my daughter would be on the floor (and when she was a toddler, screaming as well. The dirty looks we used to get!).

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Elizabeth April 15, 2010 at 2:05 pm

I think the point was more that the MIL was so dismissive about the MOB’s condition. I get the feeling that if MIL had approached the situation with more understanding (instead of calling the MOB selfish) then the bride would probably have been more willing to compromise. You never even hear of the MOB’s side of things. For all we know, she could have been asking the bride to strive for a more peaceful solution.

Rebecca hit the nail on the head. The bride should have declined the MIL’s offer to host at all.

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DGS April 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Certainly, the MIL was a pill (no pun intended) and very inconsiderate of someone with a legitimate life-threatening chronic medical condition but setting up a deliberate insult to her as a response is passive-aggressive behavior. It would have been more appropriate to try to resolve this conflict directly and propose a compromise (perhaps the tardy brother in law could have joined everyone for dessert after dinner if those people were still available or could have met up with his parents, the bride and groom later on for a celebratory round of drinks? Perhaps, the MOB could have eaten dinner earlier but had a healthy snack (some fruit and cottage cheese, for instance) at the main rehearsal dinner that was being hosted by the groom’s family?

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Mediancat April 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Two wrongs may not make a right, but I don’t really see two significant wrongs here. I see a sizeable wrong — Mother-in-Law going back on her word and changing plans at the last minute — and a not particularly unreasonable response, people eating ahead of time.

Once the mother-in-law agreed to set the dinner at an earlier time (and for this reason), she was obliged to keep it there for anything short of an emergency. Her son not being able to show up on time for the earlier dinner does not constitute an emergency.

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LittleDynamo April 15, 2010 at 2:20 pm

Sorry, but I see this as a complete power play by the MIL. Congratulations OP on not being a pushover.

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Fox April 15, 2010 at 3:50 pm

LW’s mother wasn’t the one demanding everyone accommodate her – LW was looking out for her mom. There’s a huge difference. And one thing that some commenters here seem to be missing – I would want my mom to be able to eat with me and enjoy dinner the night before my wedding. It doesn’t matter whether or not the mother could have been asked/forced to deal – what matters is that it was important for the LW for her mother to be fully included in the meal, and MIL completely disregarded that.

If Mom was on some separate crazy schedule that meant a weird dinner time for everyone else, that would be one thing, and I would understand MIL’s exasperation. But it was the other way around – MIL was the one rudely asking guests to wait until 10pm, the night before a big event, to have dinner. I wouldn’t be surprised if more guests snuck a little something before the rehearsal as well. I understand that she wanted her son to be there, but in this case, changing an event at the last minute to accommodate one late person is ruder than planning well in advance to accommodate EVERYONE. (And frankly, MIL’s disgust that “no one” has the dinner before the rehearsal makes me suspect that her son was not her only motivation, and that she was more concerned with doing things the traditional way than the way the bride wanted.)

That said, I wonder why some compromise couldn’t have been reached, like moving the rehearsal itself to 5pm. But assuming that was impossible.. yes, the bride was rude to host her own dinner and snub her MIL’s hospitality, but honestly, I don’t know what else she could have done. Had some crackers with her mom beforehand? Come on.

After watching my grandmother, a diabetic, accommodate everyone for years – which meant meals she couldn’t participate in, more frequent insulin shots than should have been necessary and frankly, risking her health so as not to be a burden – I have to disagree with the commenters who think LW should have told her mom to deal the night before her big day.

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L. April 15, 2010 at 3:52 pm

You did well! Good for you for standing up to your mil right at the start. Two wrongs actually do make a right, it’s called The Prisoner’s Dilemma. Your mil “defected” against you, so you immediately “defected” right back against her. As long as you keep meeting every defection with a defection and ever cooperation with a cooperation, you’ll be fine.

It’s refreshing to read something here where the writer doesn’t spend twenty years meeting every insult with spinelessness and then whining “why is everyone so rude to me?” I hate to quote Dr. Phil, but you teach people how to treat you and you started off on the right foot by teaching your mil that she can’t disrespect you. Stay strong!

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phoenix April 15, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I usually hate to double-comment, but I’m making an exception because I find a lot of the *commenters* are being rude.

Not every diabetic is alike. I appreciate Pink Penguin’s answer, but what works for one diabetic does not work for all. To assume that the OP’s mother is just being difficult because she could “just have a snack” is extremely rude. For example: my grandfather was diabetic, and worked for a diabetic boss. Diabetic boss insisted my grandfather work through and miss his lunch, saying he could just have a snack later as HE did it all the time and it didn’t hurt him as a diabetic…he stopped doing that when my grandfather passed out in front of customers.

Point is, you cannot judge the medical needs of someone else. If the OP says her mother needs to eat, then I don’t think we are in a position to claim she is wrong.

Also- they did not boycott the later dinner, and there was no indication that they were rude at all, just not especially full. After the MIL changed the meal arrangements completely, 2 days before the event, specifically telling the Bride that it was to suit her. Well, when you do that you can’t expect your guests to all perfectly meet your expectations.

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Jenna April 15, 2010 at 4:39 pm

The last minute change probably bothers me the most. Like someone else said, other people who were invited no doubt had to scramble to change their plans. I know how serious diabetes can be (my dad is insulin dependent) but what does your mother do when she is invited to other events that do not coordinate with her eating schedule? Your MIL certainly could have been more tactful about the entire situation as well.

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Dan April 15, 2010 at 6:09 pm

The bride violates a sacred rule. One does not dictate to the hostess. One accepts or declines. If the bride were then asked why she declined, she would be in order to mention her mother’s diabetes. To hijack the dinner was appalling. I assume some who attended the earlier dinner had accepted the MIL invitation. The old saying applies, “The only excuse to not show up to a dinner party you have said you would attend is death.” These people did show up, I guess, but behaved like the brats they are by refusing to eat. Unacceptable. It is the responsibility of the guest to arrive on time, properly dressed, contribute to the conversation, and smile. People must plan events for a wedding in the style their lives have been up to the wedding. Otherwise you open yourself to the charge of showing off.

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Harry April 15, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I don’t understand why so many are agreeing with the OP.

Dinner before the rehearsal?? Never heard of that in my life.

Then she chooses “to have our own rehearsal dinner”.

She has driven a wedge into the entire family that will last forever. This entire episode wad handled badly by all involved.

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Patty April 15, 2010 at 8:43 pm

This has me so torn. On one hand, why would anyone want to eat SO LATE? If the rehersal is going to be that late, maybe an appetizers and drink would have been better. I cannot and will not eat a dinner so late, so count me out at dinner. As the bride, I would have fought her on the dinner right from the get go.

But, what’s done is done. The bride should not have arranged for another dinner to be held earlier. Maybe arrange for her mother to eat, but her whole family? Yes, that is rude. I’m sure her mother is used to her schedule and it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Even with the last minute change….the bride obviously has a difficult MIL. She needs to learn to handle her better. And this wasn’t the way to do it.

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Voice of Reason April 15, 2010 at 9:14 pm

Dueling rehearsal dinners? What a neat idea. You might want to write in to Martha Stewart Weddings and let them know about this — it will probably become a national trend.

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Danielle April 16, 2010 at 1:04 am

I would be upset no matter which side of this I was on. The brides mothers health is a heck of a lot more important then the grooms brother making it to the rehearsal, yes i MIL didn’t want to change the time fine, but she shouldn’t have agreed to in the first place. If she did in fact say her son was more important then a sick possibly elderly woman-VERY WRONG, yes he is important to his mother but in my experience you should NOT annoy the bride in the weeks before her wedding. In my family out of town guests are always included in the reception but due to the poor health of my grandparents things of this nature do get planned around meds etc and we have never had any side complain about this. Perhaps a small dinner before for everyone (since its rude to have the MOB eat alone) as well as a quick desert buffet after the rehearsal should have been suggested, that way both sides would have gotten what was necessary.

As the granddaughter of a severe diabetic who just last week fell because she cant control her diabetes well I agree wholeheartedly with the Bride-to-Be, and as an often out of town guest at these occasions-Eating at 10pm the night before a rather large group of people need to be up, ready and formally clothes at who knows what time in the morning is an awful idea.

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Margaret April 16, 2010 at 9:17 am

Why all the controversy? Early supper at 5 pm — I’m thinking you would be ready for a “midnight meal” by around 10 pm — just eat both!!!

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Chocobo April 16, 2010 at 10:29 am

Regardless of the mother’s status of diabetes, I still don’t understand why her diabetes is such a big deal. Why couldn’t the mother go eat a full meal with just a few people or alone, instead of the Bride’s entire side of the family? Inviting her whole side and feeding them without notifying the MOG, knowingly wasting her money seems pretty spiteful.

My question is, where is the Groom in all this? It drives me crazy when people don’t take responsiblity for managing their own families.

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Mediancat April 16, 2010 at 11:49 am

It was Mother-in-Law who caused the problem, by agreeing to the change and then going back on her word.

Poster’s sins are minor. And hardly constitute “dictating to the hostess.” They constitute making a reasonable request of the hostess, by the guest of honor; which request was AGREED TO.

Mother-in-Law then broke her word. Breaking her word is a far worse sin than anything the bride did, and honestly, I don’t know how much time I’d want to spend around a mother-in-law whose opinion of my mother’s health is that it’s an inconvenience for her to get around.

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Nina April 16, 2010 at 1:49 pm

I think an awful lot of this issue could have been avoided if the bride’s side of the family had just eaten a small dinner earlier with the mother and then also eaten a small meal at the MIL’s house (excepting the mother who could have just eaten her full dinner earlier). Call it an evening snack.
This way they could have had it both ways – bride’s side could have had a meal at a resonable time and not risked the mother’s health while also not insulting the hostess. By refusing to eat anything, they really were making a purposefully rude statement that I don’t think was necessary (“we refuse your hospitality”) when the important statement (“my mother’s health is important”) would already have been made by them eating ahead of time.

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Yoko Zbornak April 16, 2010 at 1:53 pm

I don’t understand why the OP didn’t just bump the rehearsal dinner up by two hours and then had the rehearsal dinner afterwards. That would have been an easy compromise that would have made everyone happy.

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Jennifer April 16, 2010 at 4:15 pm

I’m surprised at anyone who is disagreeing with the OP. Let’s look at the facts.

MIL offered to host rehearsal dinner.
Bride and groom specified the timing, which is quite common for a wedding rehearsal dinner.
MIL agreed.

TWO DAYS before the event, MIL changed it with NO REGARD to anyone else, and had the audacity to claim the MOB’s illness was an inconvenience to her. I have to wonder if this wasn’t her plan all along.

Bride saw it for the power play it was, as well as being rightfully offended at the callous treatment of her mother. Therefore bride went ahead with a rehearsal dinner AT THE SCHEDULED TIME. The only thing the bride did wrong here is she should’ve invited all of the guests to the dinner that she had AT THE SCHEDULED TIME instead of just her family.

MIL’s meal THREE hours late which is extremely rude in itself. Then she is offended because the guests did not eat? Seriously?

What would you have the bride to? Share in the awful treatment of her mother? Expect her mother to “just have a snack” and then risk her passing out or worse? Would the MIL have thrown an even bigger fit if the MOB had passed out at the dinner, and taken the spotlight off her? Since obviously the rehearsal dinner was not about the bride and groom , but was all about the MIL. The bride had every right to want to share the rehearsal dinner with her mother.

Kudos to the bride for standing up for herself and her mother.

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Jenny April 17, 2010 at 2:27 am

I love how the MIL thinks she can inconvenience everyone for her relative but not that you can request things for your relative that needs such requests.

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Fanboy Wife April 17, 2010 at 8:45 am

I don’t have any special dietary needs, but I would have eaten a meal before the rehearsal because I can’t go from lunch until 10:00 pm without eating. The bride probably should have extended the invited the whole group to dinner at the originally scheduled time as Jennifer suggested. I only hope that the bride doesn’t live near her mother-in-law so she doesn’t have to put up with her often. Just imagine how terrible the holidays and other “celebrations” will be!

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Addy April 17, 2010 at 2:50 pm

To those suggesting changing the timing of the rehearsal itself, that may have been out of their hands. The church or presiding official may have a very busy schedule and this was the only available time. I know when my son married 3 years ago, we didn’t have much choice, as we were scheduled in between a Mass for the catechism class, and prayers for a funeral the next day.

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Enna April 18, 2010 at 4:23 pm

I’m diabetic and everyone’s diabetes is different some diabetics can eat late some can’t if the diabetic in this story couldn’t have a late dinner then they should’ve understood this – if she couldn’t time her other injections/meals accordingly due to what was happening that day.

I normally find if a meal is going to be late or early I will try to get all my other meals to be either late or early to balence it up. When I was growing up it used to drive Mum mad when people would suggest things that couldn’t be fitted into the routine after she expalined I had diabetes until she was blue in the face. If we’d been travelling all day and had an early breakfast as a result expecting me to have a late lunch or dinner would be pushing it.

10pm is VERY late for a dinner though if you are Diabetic or not.

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Lyons April 18, 2010 at 4:33 pm

Dinner at 10:00 p.m.? Seriously? And the MIL saying that her son being there was more important than the MOB’s diabeties? Are you kidding me? The rehershal dinner was suppose to be for whom? The BRIDE AND GROOM…yes, hosted by MIL, but that doesn’t mean that she gets to be a control freak.

The entirely separate dinner though, well…that definitely sends a message, more like a slap in the face to the MIL…and that’s the only part that I’m torn about. Otherwise I am TOTALLY on the side of the bride. The MIL was totally rude to the bride, the groom, to those that might have had to juggle their schedules at the last minute change, and most certainly to the MOB by being totally dismissive of her condition and unfairly judging her diabeties as a ploy to take control away from her (in my opinion…)

But, by totally having the entire bride’s side of the family hold a separate dinner hours earlier and then not eat at the other dinner, part of me just thinks that that just adds fuel to the fire. However, if you feel pushed against the wall, you gotta do what you gotta do and be okay with whatever happens after that.

The one part that really burned me up was the MIL bluntly saying that her son’s appearance at the event was far more important that the MOB’s health…unforgivable.

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WickedSpindle April 18, 2010 at 4:42 pm

I know everyone is understanding that there was a lot of improper behavior on all parties in the scenario. I do wish to point out a few details.

The Bride asking for the dinner to be of a certain time is not unacceptable. The Bride wanting her mother to be a part of the celebration is not unacceptable. The MIL to be claiming someone’s medical needs are an inconvenience or selfishness is unacceptable. I agree that the Bride may have had other means of asserting herself in this situation, however, it is the responsibility of the hostess to take all medical and special dietary needs of all guests invited into consideration when planning a party or event. It is also the responsibility of the hostess to maintain the scheduled event on time. Guests are expected to arrive in a timely manner. If, a singular guest who is not the guest of honor cannot attend at the specified time, it is their responsibility to decline or to discreetly arrive late and try not to disrupt the activities of the party or event. Additionally, in this case, knowing there is a large and important event the following day for the guest of honor, it is the hostesses responsibility for scheduling the event or party to not interfere with the guest of honors ability to attend and participate in the scheduled event there after. Hosting a dinner at 10pm could last 2 to 4 hours depending on the dinner. This would be a great cause of concern to those needing to be up early the next day for hair and nail appointments, make up artist appointments, as well as being refreshed for the actual wedding.

Again, I do feel there may have been other ways to assert herself that the Bride may not have seen but she did need to stand up for herself as well the future MIL did not take responsibility for the event she was planning.

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Annie April 18, 2010 at 11:18 pm

I don’t know, this one tortures me ….. having endured 25 years of my own nasty MIL I want to say yay for getting your own in early. BUT on the other hand I hope you know that you have set yourself (and your husband) up for years of recriminations. Was it worth it? I don’t know how to deal with diabetes but surely, surely, there must have been a less obviously rude way of dealing with a difficult MIL. Good luck doll, I speak from experience…….

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saucy April 18, 2010 at 11:27 pm

what I found most interesting out of this story is that it said the mil “planned” the time of the rehearsal and the time of the dinner. I get that by paying (which is tradition) she is hostess, but does that really put her in charge, since it is all part of the wedding, which should be the couples domain? When I got married my in-laws paid for the dinner, but my husband and I picked the time, as well as the place, and for all intents and purposes, we acted as the hosts. After all, the guests were there for us, not for my in-laws. I am honestly curious if that was wrong of us? Or was ours just a more casual event?

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Susan April 19, 2010 at 8:23 pm

I wonder why the MIL’s son changed his schedule so as to be there as late as possible. He must know his mother better than the bride did.

The explanation that the one side of the family was not eating so that the MOB wouldn’t feel conspicuous was brilliant!

And the poster above who pointed out that changing the dinner time at the last minute from 5pm to 10pm was incredibly rude and disruptive to EVERY SINGLE GUEST hit the nail on the head.

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Miss Marie April 20, 2010 at 5:49 pm

To me, this was a classic power play that the MIL instigated. She (MIL) wanted a late dinner. The BTB requested – reasonably and with enough advance – to hold the dinner at a better time than 9:00 pm. MIL goes with the request, but then changes it 2 days before the rehearsal dinner… Back to what was the original time when MIL wanted it to be. She never planned to have the dinner at 5:00. Think about it, how many venues would make a change like that on such short notice?

MIL wanted to show dominance early with the BTB. If BTB would have caved on this one, what would be next? What the happy couple would name their children? Where they would live? How they would decorate? What they would drive? How they would spend vacations? How they would dress, speak, act?

BTB showed early on that she would not be the pushover the MIL wanted. Yes, MIL will bring this up at every opportunity – that is a given and something the BTB will have to live with. But, the reason MIL will be so upset about it is because BTB showed that she has a backbone and will not allow MIL to walk all over her.

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Amy April 21, 2010 at 2:20 am

Diabetics know thier bodies/diets. I would have let my mom know the situation and she could’ve handled it herself.

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