Down The Hatch With Indiscretion! The Re-Do

by admin on November 11, 2010

I’m not sure this qualifies as an Oops, but is rather one of the most cruelly tacky comments I have ever been subjected to. I was out with some old friends from college having drinks and we decided to play a round of the drinking game, Never-Have-I-Ever. The basic rules of this game are that everyone, in turn, says something they haven’t done. Everyone else present who has done this thing will take a drink. It’s generally played by groups of friends as a way to get to know one another better, and we felt it would be a good opportunity to catch up.

Well, we went a few rounds when my former roommate, whom I had been rather close with in college, said “Never have I ever had sex in a car.” This not being true of me, I did not take a drink, and she immediately called me on it, making quite a fuss about it. I laughed it off at first and said she must have me confused with someone else. Then–in front of all of our friends and loud enough for several other people at the bar to hear–she tells me to play fair, that I was raped freshmen year by a guy I went on a date with in his car, and that counts. Can you imagine? Granted, this was several years in the past and an event I had dealt with through counseling, but obviously not something everyone knew about or that was appropriate for publicly toasting.

Needless to say, I and several of my other friends, awkwardly called it a night. I haven’t spoken to her since. 0102-09

I’d like to clear up my original comments on this post.  What I said initially was basically that this game involving private information and alcohol was potentially a train wreck waiting to happen.  What I didn’t say and should have was that the OP got hit by that train in a devastating way.  By noting the folly of the situation, I didn’t mean to imply some moral equivalence between the OP foolishly entering into this situation and the “friend” savagely (or best very insensitively) publicizing such a horrid memory, perhaps shared in confidence many years previously.  The “friend” was utterly wrong and I didn’t mean to defend her behavior at all.  Please forgive my tone-deafness in addressing the folly of getting into the situation without making clear that folly or no, the treatment that the OP received was inexcusable.

Merriam-Webster defines  “Discretion” as 1) the quality of having or showing discernment or good judgment : the quality of being discreet especially : cautious reserve in speech.

The indiscretion of the OP was in choosing to play a game that is, by its very nature, fraught with opportunities  for a major faux pas.  In no way is her date rape a result of an indiscretion, nor is rape itself merely an indiscretion, nor does the exegesis of the OP’s story indicate she was indiscreet in revealing her own rape.

I don’t consider participating in a drinking game that reveals things that should be very private, i.e. sexual information,  about oneself in a public bar to be an exercise in showing discernment or being cautiously reserved in speech regardless of whether one is raped or not.  I will disagree with some readers’ comments that the game is always innocent and harmless and their wrong assumption that I have no idea what I am talking about.  Drinking games like this were common in the Dark Ages when I was in college (I overheard  many lurid TMIs in crowded, noisy bars) and with two college students living at home, our hospitality is predominantly aimed at the 19-24 year old age group.  My two college -aged children, when asked last night at dinner what their thoughts were on the “Never Have I” drinking game responded that they were “recipes for disaster” and “too much potential for finding out more than you ever wanted to know about your friends”.   It cannot be an exercise in good judgment and discernment, i.e discretion, for anyone, raped or not, to add alcohol to the objective of TMI revelations in a public bar populated with God knows who overhearing it and either wishing they weren’t a party to hearing those discussions or salaciously enjoying every morsel.  And in this age of small electronic recording devices, your public indiscretions can go viral on Youtube.

The Expectation of Courtesy

“We should expect courtesy and kindness in all situations from those closest to us”, paraphrased, is what one person said about how the OP should have been treated by her friend.  We can *HOPE* people will engage in reciprocal courtesy but to expect it?  Totally unrealistic.  This site owes its 14 year existence to the harsh reality that people, even trusted friends and family, royally screw it up.   A myriad of variables such as upbringing, religion, self perception, ignorance, etc. means there can be a wide range of perception as to what manners even are or why they would be even relevant to someone’s life.   That’s why we learn to bean dip and dodge odd situations that have the potential to go south.   The site’s forum members in particular, learn how to recognize the approaching faux pas moment and deftly sidestep it.

As for the argument that the OP should be able to play this kind of game with the expectation that friends will treat her respectfully…again, we can *hope* that people will behave the same way we would  but to expect it as if it was owed or earned for one’s own good behavior?  Particularly when alcohol, youth and the folly of playing the game in a public bar is added to the mix?  Human nature being what it is, people *will* disappoint, let you down, offend and hurt you.  Human nature sucks sometimes.   And declining to play along with the game will not stunt or scar anyone for life.

This site raison d’etre for years has been the focus on one’s own personal responsibility for behavior in order to be more educational as opposed to merely being an archive of rants about those other bad people.  Most stories have a clear antagonist that requires no further explanation justifying just why they deserve Etiquette Hell.   It’s been the policy of the site for years to address how the story writer might have acted to either head off a potential faux pas or indiscretion and how to extricate oneself from a situation gone south.   The OP did have the choice to decline to play the game based on an observation that the game was to be played in a public venue where discretion will go flying right out the window. And there can be sympathy for her for just not being aware that she was walking right into a major faux pas.

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

Firecat November 11, 2010 at 2:14 pm

I wanted to thank the admin for the clarification and re-stating her position. I have friends (actually, most of us do even if we don’t know it) who have been assaulted or otherwise abused. They would have been devastated by this, too – because it was not sex. It was an assault. And if I’d been one of the other participants, I’d have made it clear to the “friend” (or “frenemy” as seems more appropriate) just how unacceptable I found her behavior to be.

I don’t entirely agree with the admin’s position, but I don’t entirely disagree with it, either. I think that the “friend” was so far out of bounds that she couldn’t have found the “bounds” with a star chart and a radio telescope. But I do think that it is a good point to know that others don’t have the same perceptions or boundaries we do.

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Jillybean November 11, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Well said!

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Sharon November 11, 2010 at 2:35 pm

I agree with the Admin.

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Kat November 11, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Thanks for the clarification, Admin. I’m on board with your assessment now :-)

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Kimbubbley November 11, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Nicely re-done, Miss Jeanne!! There is nary a thought in there that I would dare disagree with this time around!

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SueBlue November 11, 2010 at 4:30 pm

I am going to agree with Admin on this one. And I agreed with her the first time before the “re-do”.
FYI I do not consider myself a prude of any such manner but I absolutely refuse to discuss any part of my private sex life with anyone other than my husband and maybe my doctor on a need to know basis.

The last thing I want anyone to do is imagine me in a somewhat true sexual situation and this drinking game is purely based on the most private things people do or don’t do. Alcohol tends to loosen the lips of even the most private person and I do not want that ship sunk. Period. I have walked out of and away from conversations steering into that territory, I have outright said, “That is private and I will not discuss it with you or anyone else”. And yes, I have stuck my fingers in my ears and sang the LALALALALA song loudly until I was out of earshot.

Guess what? Nunya. It’s just nunya business. And it’s none of mine what you do either.

But sometimes experience is the best teacher and I can hope the OP learned something from this humiliating experience. Poor thing. But still…………….

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Chelsey November 11, 2010 at 4:31 pm

I understand your stance on the situation. Although when you say that she could have just declined to play the game, my first thought is why? While you are right in saying that you can’t expect people to treat you courteously (because, as you said, you WILL be disappointed), what reason would the OP have had to expect her former roommate, who she was very close to, to commit such a major faux pas? Even if she had expected this or a similar question to pop up, unless the friend had been notorious for announcing inappropriate things to the wrong people she should have had no reason to think that this one traumatic event in her life would be dug up and tossed out for the whole world to see by someone she cared about who she thought cared about her. I would imagine this wasn’t the first time the OP had gone drinking with her friend (considering they roomed together in college) nor would I imagine this is the first time they had played this game, so she would have some idea of what to expect from this experience. I could be wrong on that, particularly the second part, but I would say it’s likely. Again, I agree that you can’t rely on the expectations you have of people, but experience often molds a person’s expectations. So I understand how the OP found herself in this situation.

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Renee November 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Excellent re-do, and I agree with you on every point; AND I salute your children, too.

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MouthyMaven of Ravenloft - just beyond the forgotten realms November 11, 2010 at 4:43 pm

I love you Miss Jeanne. You are incredibly intelligent and found a way to voice my rather convoluted opinion beautifully.

I have played this game with both good an bad results and in my honest opinion, the good results simply aren’t worth the risk of the horribly horribly bad ones.

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badkitty November 11, 2010 at 4:46 pm

This was not a case of foot in mouth, or oops, or even simple rudeness: this was cruelty, pure and simple. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, making us more likely to do things we wouldn’t dare to do sober, but it does NOT turn us into anything we aren’t already on the inside. So, you’ve now discovered that your “friend” is a horrible, viscous person who thinks that you must not only carry around the memory of what must have been the worst day of your life with you forever, but that you should be constantly telling others about it because it is their right to know. You have also learned that this person can never be trusted with personal details, as she will spill the beans with very little provocation. Since you say that you have not spoken to this person since that night, I’d say you have correctly dealt with the information she revealed about HERSELF through that game.

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admin November 12, 2010 at 6:32 am

badkitty,

The idea that alcohol only removes inhibitions and reveals what was inside all along is not supported by the plethora of research and information available online. Google “alcohol’s effect on the brain”. Even a little tipsy, there’s definitely some cognitive impairment going on. Reaction time, coordination, and speech are slowed. Judgment and decision-making abilities get a lot worse. “The psychoactive effects of alcohol are first evident at 0.05% blood alcohol. That’s one to two drinks for most people. Judgment and reason are the first abilities to be negatively affected by alcohol. That said, it’s too late for people to decide whether they’re ‘OK to drive’ after they’ve already begun drinking. The same goes for any other behavior. After tossing back a few drinks, it’s probably too late to decide whether your actions are acceptable — particularly when they take place within an environment that condones irresponsible behavior as an inevitable part of drinking,” according to psychology professor Kim Fromme, PhD.

Sustained alcohol consumption can and does cause irreversible neurological disorders. Negative personality change in alcoholics when they drink is due to dysfunction in the brain’s neurochemistry. Long term alcoholism can damage the liver which can result in Hepatic encephalopathy which can cause changes in sleep patterns,
mood, and personality. psychiatric conditions such as anxiety and depression.

Given the youth culture that views excessive alcohol consumption as acceptable , the OP’s friend could already be an alcoholic by age 22. It is plainly obvious that the “friend” is one of the few that reacts to alcohol with aggressive tendencies and when sober, will probably not remember what she said or did. Friend cannot be absolved of her responsibility to not consume so much alcohol that her judgment and cognitive abilities are impaired, meanwhile the OP has learned that her friend is a “mean drunk” and will avoid any future drinking games with her.

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Hal November 11, 2010 at 7:30 pm

How many discussions about damaging situations, destroyed relationships, criminal behavior and more will we experience before we say enough already to the booze? Stop at the one before dinner drink. How often have we heard anyone regret not drinking?

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Ali November 11, 2010 at 7:46 pm

I’m sorry, but also her friend is an idiot. It’s not sex if you are raped. Sex is consensual and should be loving. Rape is NOT sex, rape is control, domination, and demoralization. What kind of sick person is her friend?

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Alexis November 11, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Miss Jeanne you are a class act!

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gramma dishes November 11, 2010 at 9:17 pm

“But sometimes experience is the best teacher and I can hope the OP learned something from this humiliating experience. Poor thing. But still…………….”

Sorry. Given the nature of what was revealed and the attitude with which it was done, I find this comment both quite startling and thoroughly disgusting.
One of us is clearly missing the point here.
Perhaps it is me.

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Eisa November 11, 2010 at 9:46 pm

I have never played that game or any other drinking game.

But if ANY of my friends EVER decided to disclose my rape/abuse to ANYONE like that, they would not be my friend anymore. Particularly when used in that context, where she practically insinuated it was consensual…since it was supposed to be on the same par as having sex in a car. There’s a HUGE difference.

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etimodnar November 11, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Thank you for the clarification and re-do, Miss Jeanne. I felt that this response gave your feelings clearly on the folly of drinking games, but also provided sympathy for the OP; good balance!

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RiotRix November 12, 2010 at 5:11 am

And then there are those of us that feel no shame for our sexual pasts and feel welcome and free to play whatever stupid drinking game we want to. 100% of the fault and stupidity falls on the OP’s “friend” for bringing this up. In public or otherwise, why would you ruin a friend’s good time by bringing up THEIR RAPE? Really? This is ridiculous.

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Bint November 12, 2010 at 7:58 am

No, gramma dishes, I agree with you completely. This comment makes me feel rather ill.

“But sometimes experience is the best teacher and I can hope the OP learned something from this humiliating experience. Poor thing. But still…………….”

This wasn’t ‘humiliating’! This was horrific! This was having the memory of a traumatic criminal assault shoved back down her throat in public by one of her friends. And you hope she learned something and that this is ‘the best teacher’? Then to add that dismissive ‘But still…’ – but still what? She was raped. She had years of therapy to get over it. She did nothing wrong then or during that game, period. Commenting that this might somehow be positive because she’s ‘learned something’ is appalling.

“It is plainly obvious that the “friend” is one of the few that reacts to alcohol with aggressive tendencies and when sober, will probably not remember what she said or did. ”

Well, no, it isn’t. That’s a possibility. Another one is that the ‘friend’ is just a disgusting person out to bait. Or that she is so incredibly stupid that she has no idea why this was wrong. We have no idea how drunk the ‘friend’ even was – we’re assuming she was smashed, but it’s equally likely she had drunk very little. The OP would need to clarify that. I don’t think this girl is a ‘mean drunk’ – I just think she’s mean, full stop.

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Katie November 12, 2010 at 8:40 am

Thank you for taking the time to post such a considered response to our flurry of posts yesterday! It is much appreciated.

Whether or not I can 100% agree with you is irrelevant here – I wanted to come back to post to congratulate you and thank you for caring so much about your readership and the debate that had been provoked, that you spent a lot of time reviewing and responding to all the posts, including my own.

You provide a fine example of how a website should be run!

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Mariam67 November 12, 2010 at 9:13 am

I think when people play this game, they play it assuming that the people they are playing it with, being her friends, would be kind enough not to bring up such a thing. I don’t blame the girl so much for getting into this game because of that. If she’s playing with them, they’re her friends, so why wouldn’t she trust them not to bring up something so horrible?

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JS November 12, 2010 at 11:09 am

I’m with RiotRix, here–I think Ms. Jeanne’s position (and SueBlue’s as well) depends on the idea that talking about sex is something that should be done privately, if you absolutely have to at all, and that sexual experience in and of itself is not a topic for public consumption ever, no matter what the circumstances. Personally, I don’t find my consensual sexual experiences as something to be embarassed about, or ashamed of, and have no problem discussing it among friends in the proper venue (say, like a bar game and not, say, at Thanksgiving dinner).

That said, I can get behind enough of Ms. Jeanne’s position (i.e., hey, that’s awful, but at least now you know more about what you can and cannot trust about your “friend”) to be satisfied. SueBlue, however, I would love to hear what would come after “But still………” in your post.

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admin November 12, 2010 at 11:38 am

A bar, tavern, restaurant or any other public place where people gather to socialize is not an appropriate venue to discuss any private sexual matters, regardless of whether you or the intended audience is ashamed or not. I *really* do not want to be sitting enjoying my frozen strawberry margarita with double shot of top shelf Tequila while lurid details of sex drifts on the airwaves like bad cigarette smoke from a nearby table to reach my ears and distract my own conversation. BTDT. I have no interest in knowing the status of someone’s testicles or the size of the penis, how long it took someone to reach orgasm, how much X screamed during sex, how many sex partners they had last month, whether whipped cream really is a good vaginal lubricant, and I really don’t want to hear about that fourway with the dwarf, miniature pony and iguana.

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Katie November 12, 2010 at 11:56 am

“I really don’t want to hear about that fourway with the dwarf, miniature pony and iguana.”

Oh I do!

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Amber November 12, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Admin, it seems you’ve been privy to some really intimate conversations. How awkward for you and everyone around you. Also, I’m glad for the clarification. When the post first went up, I was on the fence with your initial post. But after this clarification, and as a 26 year old who likes a “good time,” I’m on board with you on this one; drinking and games exposing secrets just don’t mix.

You know, I don’t mind drinking games. I think they’re fun, especially since most of my friends and I just take a card game, board game or movie and then put a “take a sip if” rule on top. I’ve never played Never Have I Ever, because my friends and I just never thought to play it. The close friends know the juicy bits of my life already, and the less close friends aren’t really close enough for a game like that to come up. So, why play?

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admin November 12, 2010 at 2:48 pm

And to clarify, where have I overheard that kind of TMI? Not some sleazy bar but your neighborhood, friendly Chili’s where the bartender gives me extra strawberries for my Margarita. Once overheard an entire discussion about a 13-year old kid’s experience with oral sex while standing in a line to see a movie. Another time in a hotel’s outdoor whirlpool in La Jolla. I spoke up on that occasion. There’s more but I’d be belaboring the point.

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survivor November 12, 2010 at 12:20 pm

I agree with Chelsey and badkitty. Sure, the game may be in bad taste and embarrassing, but- and unfortunately I’ve been proven wrong many times- I have been raped and sexually abused, and it is something that I almost never expect to come up in “Normal” or “Fun” conversation.

For someone to equate rape with sex means they already had those beliefs, regardless of if they were drinking. And just because someone drinks, it doesn’t give them a free pass to be cruel and humiliate people. If anything, I’d place the “Friend” in my category of people who I want to ask “If you know that you do terrible, soul-crushing things when you drink, then why do you keep doing it?” I place the blame solely on her.

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Elizabeth November 12, 2010 at 12:53 pm

I’m now a little torn, but I do appreciate that you took the time to explain your point more. I get where you are coming from, and I agree completely the game shouldn’t be at a bar. JS put it well that some of us are more open about sex talk with friends. I think back to the whole Sex in the City/Girl Power movement a few years back. I’d almost like the OP to clear up just how much they had been drinking and if she drank with this former friend often before the fiasco. A lot of everyone’s views, mine included, are based off speculations. Thank you again Ms. Jeanne for taking the time to get this story and thread back on track.

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admin November 12, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Elizabeth,

There have been times on Ehell when someone surfaces who happens to be the antagonist in a previous published story and their side of the story casts a completely different perspective on the whole thing. There’s such a case happening right now on a previous blog post regarding what the OP described as a really bad bridesmaid. Weeell, when the bridesmaid read the post, realized it was about her, she gave her side (which I should cut from the comments and edit the original post to include). Things were not as they appeared which changed the whole understanding of the situation. In this story, I too would want to know if the OP has a history of this drinking game with her friend, what the relationship dynamic was and if something occurred in an earlier round of the game that provoked that kind of comment. For example, did the OP inappropriately expose something about the friend who then upped the ante with a worse revelation? It would be still be grossly inappropriate and unkind to retaliate that way but we’d probably have a better understanding of why it happened.

But, because speculation is fruitless, Ehell focuses on the firsthand account the OP provides and how that person should be behaving from the perspective they provide.

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SueBlue November 12, 2010 at 1:20 pm

the “But still….” comment seems to have many people up in arms. So let me explain.

“But still, what are you to expect when you trust extremely personal information to someone and then play a drinking game based on your most personal information.” Even if she had entrusted this girl with the information that she had actually had consensual sex in a car with a guy but chose not to reveal it during the game, it is still information that if someone knows about you because you confided in them, could come out at the most inoportune moment. Such as during a drinking game , in a public bar, when who knows how many shots/drinks had already been consumed and brain to mouth filters have gone flying out the window! (She said a few, is that three, four, five, six?)

And I am not excusing her friend for being the lowliest of scum for blurting out that information and telling the entire bar about her former college rommate’s rape.

So in my opinion the victim of this game has some personal responsibility that she needs to own up to.
1. Be very very careful to whom you trust personal info to.
2. Do not play personal/sex drinking games unless you want people to know too much about you and you find out too much about them.

If I am in a public venue I do NOT want to overhear such information. It is crass and crude. I do not want to know if you have stolen anything, watched your parents have sex, got your dog high on illegal drugs or you urinated on someone’s front lawn. I do NOT want to know your favorite sex position, when you lost your virginity or if you’ve ever had a threesome. TMI. ESPECIALLY in a public venue.

So I can hope she learned to keep things private and not play those types of games. Rarely does anything good come out of them.

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Allie November 12, 2010 at 1:29 pm

I don’t think the “friend’s” conduct can be chalked up to alcohol. Drinking certainly loosens my tongue in terms of what I am willing to share about myself, but I can be as drunk as you please (and have been) and still have enough sense not to reveal something devastating about someone else. It sounds to me like this “friend” wanted to reveal this information, whether out of spite or to draw attention to herself. Alcohol is no excuse.

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Michelle P November 12, 2010 at 1:35 pm

I missed the admin’s original response, but admire and agree with this response. I also have to agree, with all due respect to the OP, that playing drinking games and basically a “Truth” game (in public especially) is a recipe for disaster. I have nothing but sympathy for the OP, and I hope she distances herself completely from this cruel “friend”. She should have been able to confide her tragic experience to a friend with no fear of it being broadcasted later, regardless of the circumstances.

I’m with admin on the other aspect of this; I am sick of hearing other people’s private business being talked about it in public! You don’t even have to go to a bar anymore to hear it!

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Bint November 12, 2010 at 2:47 pm

“So in my opinion the victim of this game has some personal responsibility that she needs to own up to.
1. Be very very careful to whom you trust personal info to.
2. Do not play personal/sex drinking games unless you want people to know too much about you and you find out too much about them.”

1. The girl was her *room mate* at college and a close friend. The OP was raped at college. If she told this girl directly what had happened (and we don’t know that she did, the girl may have been told by someone else), she must have had good cause to trust her. This girl wasn’t someone she barely knew or disliked – they had been close friends. She probably *was* “very, very careful” whom she trusted with that info. Rape victims usually are, if they can bring themselves to tell anyone at all. How many rape victims go around sharing that kind of thing with all and sundry?

2. She already knows the girl knew about her rape. They were close and she trusted her. Why would she suddenly assume this girl wouldn’t be trusted, when the girl had kept that trust for years? I hardly see this being the first time they’d started drinking or played games since this happened.

The OP has no personal responsibility in this that she “needs to own up to”, any more than she was responsible when she got into that car with her rapist. The blame for this lies *solely* with the person who chose to violate her trust, regardless of the circumstances. Suggesting otherwise is coming perilously close to saying she was somehow ‘asking for it’. She simply wasn’t in any way whatsoever.

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Kat November 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm

The side debates that have sprung up here (regarding drinking games, the effects of alcohol on behavior, the definition of “sex”) are relevant and interesting, but to me the bottom line is this:

Regardless of circumstances, using someone else’s sexual assualt as a trump card to score points in a game is just appalling.

I think we can all agree to that.

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Simone November 12, 2010 at 4:00 pm

You know, once something incredibly funny happened during *ahem* quiet time with my husband and I said to him “The tragedy here is that this is possibly the funniest thing that will ever happen to me and I will NEVER be able to share this story with anyone else”.

Apparently what I should have done is just told everyone anyway. In public. Loudly.

Sorry, this has nothing to do with the OP I am just reeling from the things overheard in public places…

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Kriss November 12, 2010 at 8:39 pm

I had written out this essay but Kat summed it up perfectly.

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TheBardess November 12, 2010 at 8:41 pm

admin- out of curiosity, which is the previous post where the bridesmaid came back to tell her side of things? I would love to see it, but there are so many posts!

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admin November 13, 2010 at 12:32 am

Bardess,

It was Maid of Horror # 3 http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=272

In the comments section, “Pickle” is the Maid of Horror spoken of in the story.

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Fox November 13, 2010 at 1:18 am

I think in this instance, many people seem to be applying their own standards of “discretion” and TMI to the OP, which is rather unfair. My sister and I are very close but we never discuss sex; by contrast, both of my best friends with older sisters share intimate details about their sex lives with each other all the time. If they are comfortable discussing that in public, assuming they don’t go out of their way to make sure the whole bar hears, then that’s fine for them. If I’m listening in to a normal-level conversation at the next table over, I deserve whatever TMI tidbits I may be subjected to.

The OP was not playing with a group of strangers or casual acquaintances – she was playing with old college friends and I imagine was at a level of intimacy with them where she was comfortable sharing things about her sex life (else you wouldn’t play the game). And the fact that the horrid friend in this tale raised her voice loudly enough for people nearby to hear indicates, to me, that prior to that the conversation was at a normal, polite level (for a bar).

The OP had absolutely no way to know that SOMEONE ELSE might say something hurtful to or about her; who on EARTH would ever say “I’ve never been raped” in a game like this? There was no reason at all to assume that this incident would come up. (And if it had come up in conversation, it is entirely the OP’s decision as to whether or not she reveals information like that about herself.) Frankly, the game is irrelevant to this story.. it was basically the equivalent of this girl saying “Hey, speaking of car sex, remember that time you were raped?” To say that the OP was at all at fault here suggests that she shouldn’t trust her *close* friends in public with alcohol else they may say something stupid.. it’s just an unreasonably high standard to hold others to. There’s nothing indicating that the girls were playing to get as publicly drunk as possible.. and even if they had all been hammered (which I don’t think they were), that’s poor judgement for an entirely different reason (for safety), NOT because you should never allow your friends to get drunk in case they do something stupid.

And this wasn’t something stupid – it was thoughtless and cruel. RAPE IS NOT SEX. Rape is not sex in the same way that holding hands is not assault. It is completely disgusting that the horrible friend would conflate the two, or that she would treat someone else’s extremely damaging/traumatic experience as something to laugh at.

The OP was stung painfully by someone she thought she could trust.. having some drinks in a bar or engaging in a gossipy game in public did not “invite” that at all. I know you’re saying that she’s not “at blame” for what happened, but I have to disagree that the OP deserves a side reproach for daring to play a drinking game.

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JS November 13, 2010 at 9:32 am

Thank you, Fox–you said it far better than I did.

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karma November 13, 2010 at 10:07 am

I agree with admin.There are some ideas people have, like the drinking game, that are just generally not good ideas if you embarrass easily, are fairly private, or prefer to keep your business to yourself. It’s like the spin-the-bottle game, some may have a great time with it, but someone won’t. I’ll add that although the “friend” was at fault, so was the game. If you ask me, it’s a faulty game idea.

Some game. I’d rather get hit in the head at dodgeball.

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Vegas Tea Room November 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Rape is not sex and she was no friend. I would have announced this and lefty immediately.

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phoenix November 15, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Bravo on the re-do. I think I understand your point much better now, and can get past my initial emotional response. Thanks for the lesson in calm graciousness!

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Pam November 16, 2010 at 3:13 pm

We have a large extended family and I think seating has just kind of taken care of itself. We serve buffet style and it always seems that the men go first and sit together, then the kids, then the women and so everyone finds a place with their “group” – no assigned seating.
I think the most important thing is that all the tables are made “special” with tableclothes, candles etc. and visible effort is put into each one. In regard to the kids tables….I have asked my older kids to intersperse with the little ones as helpers; it’s their part in hosting and helping things to run smoothly. Hospitality is about your guests!!
One funny thing happened last Easter. We had a couple of uncomfortable ladder back chairs that we were in the process of restrapping. I told my husband to make sure we took those two chairs….well, one of our heavier relatives sat in the partially finished chair and (whew) Thankfully, no disaster!

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