Facebook Frenemies

by admin on December 2, 2010

A little bit of background: Two years ago, I was friends with a woman, we’ll call her “Jean”, and through Jean I met another woman, we’ll call her “Susie”. We were also all Facebook friends. Jean and I had a falling out (long story and irrelevant to this tale), and ultimately Susie decided to cut contact with Jean. A few weeks later, Susie ceased contact with me, I was defriended on Facebook, and I learned she was friends with Jean again. This did not bother me in the least. Truthfully, I had a difficult time interacting with Susie as I found her to be very immature for her age (mid-20s – I was only in my late-20s at the time, so not that much older). She is one of those people where a group could be gathered talking about cooking and she’d suddenly say, “Oh, my eyes are blue.” No matter how often the conversation was steered back to topic, she’d come up with some doozies. So, it didn’t really concern me much that Susie was no longer speaking to me.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I suddenly get a text message from Susie saying that she was stupid for taking Jean’s “side” in all of this and that it was only because of her that she’d chosen to stop speaking to me. Apparently, the friendship between them had fizzled when Jean commented to Susie that she felt giving a key to her “boyfriend” of two weeks, we’ll call him “Bobby”, so that he could use her apartment while she was out-of-town was a bad idea, which, in grand Susie form, she perceived as “telling [me] how to live my life.” (I know the basic details of this stuff because of what Susie told me herself, and Jean’s mother, “Betty”, is one of my nearest and dearest friends, so I also heard tidbits from the other perspective.) To be honest, I just rolled my eyes at this because, quite frankly, I also thought this to be a dumb thing to do, especially considering she’s a single mother of two (both from the same father, whom she’s currently separated from). I mean, who does that? But according to Susie, he was “the one”. I had the fortune of being refriended on Facebook again and all is well. One night, I even got a text message from Susie, at 12:34 am (and of course, I’d forgotten to set my phone to ‘calls only’, so the notification chime woke me up) asking, “Are we friends?” All I could think at the time was, “Holy high school, Batman!”

Two weeks ago, I decided to throw a dinner party. Two of my friends, a couple, “Connie” and “Tim”, are also friends with Susie, and I am ashamed to say that I seriously considered excluding them from the party because of Susie. I had a feeling that if I invited them, Susie would beg for an invitation and I would have to turn her down. Having her here would be very uncomfortable, given that Betty was going to be here, and my own husband really doesn’t like Susie very much anyway, so I had no intention of having her in my home. Some of the other guests also know Susie (but only as acquaintances), and like myself, have a difficult time interacting with her, so I knew it could get uncomfortable for a few people. Anyway, I wrestled my conscience about it, realized that excluding two friends because of one woman was just wrong and extended the invitation to Connie and Tim.

Within a day of Connie accepting, I see a Facebook status update from Susie saying she “hates feeling left out, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I not important enough?” I contemplated this for a bit, wondering if it was about my recent invitation to Connie (no, I didn’t invite through a Facebook event, but it’s an informal dinner party, so I did invite everyone through email, and I can only assume the reason Susie knew about it in the first place was because Connie mentioned it, which is fine.) I wasn’t sure, but if it was, I certainly wasn’t taking the bait. Just yesterday, I receive a Facebook invitation from Susie to attend her son’s first birthday. The invitation includes the following note: “I’ll serve cake. Eat lunch before you get here. I’m not sure if I’ll have snacks. Coffee and juice provided.” (Not those exact words, but you get the idea.)

The date was for the same day as my dinner party, so obviously, I responded in the negative. At that point, only two people had yet said no (the other person would be out-of-town on that day), one had confirmed yes, and one had been maybe. Within minutes of my response, her Facebook status update is changed to read “I hope more than my parents show up for his party. He only turns 1 once, people!” That’s a little too rude and demanding for me (I’m of the belief that first birthday parties are really more for the parents than for the child), so I commented on it and said, “Sorry, I’ve had plans for that day for over two weeks now.” Her response was, “I’ve been planning this for months, I just had to wait and see where I’d be living first.” So, what? Am I suppose to magically read her mind and know this was the day she would be holding her son’s first birthday? Even through the months that she didn’t speak to me? She gets dibs on a whole day for a birthday party?

I emailed Connie and asked if she would still be attending my dinner party, just so that I could plan accordingly, and she said yes. I wanted her to know that if she chose instead to attend the other party, I wouldn’t be offended or upset with her (I knew what drama could come of it if she refused an invitation to this birthday party, and she has a child about the same age as Susie’s son), but she said no, she was attending both because the timeframes allowed it.

My “punishment” for this? Being defriended again. Connie asked her why. Apparently, I “exclude her from everything” and I “argue with her” too much. Oh, and I forgot to mention, Susie and Bobby (“the one”) broke up about a month after she gave him her key. 1031-10

Sorry, OP, but no one can be hurt, manipulated or be involved in stupid Facebook games if one chooses to ignore the “friend” request.    This sounds like a tempest in a teapot that could have been avoided by not accepting Susie’s  second friend request.  Your very first paragraph details Susie’s deficits that justifies in your mind why you are not ripped to shreds over Susie’s defriending of you yet within a short period of time, for no apparent logical reason, you accept a new friend request from someone you appear to dread interacting with in real life.   The “Ignore” button is your friend.

{ 93 comments… read them below or add one }

Sharon December 2, 2010 at 5:02 pm

I agree with Gloria Shiner, Bint, and Ali.
What a bunch of high school clap-trap!!! Is this an episode of “Glee”??????
There are so many players in this little drama you can’t keep up without a program! It made me dizzy trying to keep up!

I enjoy Facebook. I have gotten back in contact with people I have not seen in years. I love looking at their family photos and laughing over the outrageous things that we experienced together. We have even gotten together for dinner several times with SOME folks.

BUT… when we did all the planning for going out to dinner, we did so in private messages and over the telephone. NEVER in the open forum. We just don’t mention it in the area that everyone can read… not before nor after. That is because there are people that I feel comfortable with and people I do not. Plus, things can just get out of control and end up hurting someone who feels left out.

Also, I make it a practice to NEVER post anything negative about ANYONE else anymore than I would publicly say anything negative about anyone else in my “real” life. You need to always choose your words carefully, once they are said there is no going back… But, once they are posted on the internet WOAH! Those words are out there, they cannot be taken back and they can be reposted and blabbed literally to the entire world.

Reply

Maitri December 2, 2010 at 5:54 pm

The OP strikes me as kind of snarky anyway – why does it matter what’s going on in Susie’s personal life and why does it matter that she’s got 2 children, etc? It’s not pertinent to the story, yet the OP feels the need to smirk about it. I always hate it when these posts have little digs at people hidden within them.

Reply

Mechtilde December 2, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Facebook has its uses- I use it for keeping in touch with friends who live a long way off. We tend to have long phonecalls every so often, rather than more frequent shorter ones, so that way we can keep in touch with what is going on day to day and have more to talk about when we do see each other.

Fortunately, none of them like being drama llamas.

Reply

Alice December 2, 2010 at 6:28 pm

I seriously cannot wait until there is an entire subject of study for Facebook Etiquette. Here is what I would contribute, some true etiquette and others more “the rules of cyberspace – DUH” variety.

1.) This is all on the internet. Read about privacy settings, not from FB, but from tech blogs that tell you “the real story” as to what each setting means, in plain English. The “network” feature also works really well to separate close friends, family, and coworkers, so should you wish to share a funny video or something you think may offend with those close to you, you can block those in other groups from seeing it. I believe (though I have not yet tried it as I’ve been without a reason) that you can also prevent certain groups from commenting on certain things or writing on your wall.

2.) Utilize FB merely as a tool to keep in touch/keep up with friends or acquaintances you actually care about, and manage your networks to fulfill this purpose.

3.) Ignoring a friend request, unless you have a restraining order against a person or truly have no idea who they are, IS rather rude. However, you are capable of not seeing their updates on your newsfeeds. I have done this with several people who, while I don’t hate them, post passive-aggressive things to others or complain negatively about their lives, or speak of NOTHING but how wonderful their significant other is and what he/she and honeypoo are doing every minute. It’s a free country and people can post what they want, but you don’t have to see it. Then, you’ll forget you’re even “friends” with that person but avoid being affected by their cyber-drama. (To do this, hit the “x” when you hover over their updates and click, ‘Hide all updates from xxx.’ It’s FABULOUS.) In addition, the drama caused by “defriending” is avoided.

4.) Do not ever, EVER tag someone in a photo that may even be REMOTELY construed by any of that person’s friends as eye-brow raising or generally negative. This even includes photos of said person with you in a bar (even if they don’t have a drink in their hand – who knows how religious/conservative their family is?), with their boy/girlfriend (as their family members may not know of said person and for all you know, they just met and were having fun for, uh, one night), etc. Yes, people can de-tag themselves, but who knows when they’ll get chance to see the photo and do so? It could be days or even a week, but even in a few hours, someone could see it and cause them trouble.

5.) Same goes for “tagging” people in status messages (placing “@” before a person’s name). This is a feature I despise, because then that quote, video, photo, or whatever that you wish to refer them to now shows up on their wall, for all of their friends/family/coworkers to see. I actually have noticed that after a couple of weeks of people doing it, everyone (at least among my friends) lost interest, so perhaps others are as annoyed by it as I am.

6.) To truly avoid drama, eliminate your wall completely. Those who wish to catch up can simply message you. And friends of those without walls, your etiquette is to not whine about not being able to write on said-friend’s wall for their birthday. Send them a card.

7.) Make. All. Events. Private. You would not post signs all over town or your place of business that you are throwing a holiday party, and then complain when random people showed up even though you didn’t send them an invite. It’s the same thing on FB. You are essentially bragging to all those invited that you are having a party and they are not invited. Trust me, no one will care that it’s “just for friends,” “just for family,” or “just for coworkers,” because no one party ever is. Sometimes coworkers are friends, sometimes friends are like family; someone will find the exception and grill you about it, using it against you to say how hurt they are – and really, they have a right to be. I don’t even bother making FB events any more, I just use eVite.

8.) Put any photos from said party on a photo-sharing site as opposed to FB, if at all possible. Again, those uninvited will then not suddenly discover the party and feel hurt, and those without FB can view them as well. It IS convenient to have them in a place where everyone who attended can easily see them (if most attendees have FB), but if it’s a must, again, share the photos in your settings with only your groups that you want to see them.

Many people have the attitude of, “I can write what I want! I can have a party if I want, and I don’t have to invite you!” Those are both absolutely true. But in doing so, you deal with the surely negative consequences. And in conclusion, I do love FB, and there are many people I’ve missed, and would have never heard from in my life again without it. But as long as people think of it is that sort of tool as opposed to a venting of their every life’s drama and happening, it wouldn’t cause ridiculous stories such as the OP’s.

Reply

karma December 2, 2010 at 6:34 pm

I was just as astonished by the OP’s thought processes as I was the target of her complaints–Susie. Sounds like melodrama all around. Is it because they are in their twenties? I don’t remember being that dramatic…..dang.

Reply

portianay December 2, 2010 at 7:49 pm

Karma, that is hilarious. :-)

Reply

Calliope December 2, 2010 at 8:53 pm

This story kind of made my head spin. It seems like trying to fluff a molehill into a drama mountain, and reading it felt like listening to a 16-year-old tell me, in great detail, about the inner workings of high school society. I’m not trying to bash the OP, because I know from experience that little things like this can seem big in the heat of the moment, but…cool it. Shake it off and move on. None of this really matters.
And @karma: I’m in my 20s, too, and no, this isn’t an age thing. It’s a maturity thing.

Reply

Adica December 2, 2010 at 9:52 pm

Honestly? I see the commenters making a bigger deal out of this than the OP… The OP doesn’t seem to really care all that much, except maybe from an Etiquette Hell point-of-view (i.e., enjoying reading about, sharing, and commenting on other people’s social blunders).

I’m friends on FB with two people that I really can’t stand (a former friend of mine and her boyfriend, who went to high school with and was friends with my boyfriend). For various reasons, just seeing their names annoys me (along with their annoying and overly intimate FB status updates about each other and their wall posts to each other–ew), but I know better to defriend them because I know her boyfriend well enough that he’d probably start something some big thing about how hateful I am and complain to my bf about it. Then my bf would probably take that as the last straw and defriend him (or get into some sort of argument), which would make it even worse because then her boyfriend would complain about both of us to his and my bf’s mutual friends, which would cause all sorts of grief for them, and…you get the picture. To compensate, my boyfriend and I have just blocked them from our newsfeed. Problem solved. Being friends with them on FB doesn’t mean I have to be friends with them in real life.

I can’t remember who commented on the OP “making a jab” at Susie for having two children from another guy, but I think the OP was just kind of pointing out that if you have two children, you’d think a person would want to be a bit more careful about the people she gives her key.

Reply

The Cat Whisperer December 2, 2010 at 10:00 pm

This OP needs to be very thankful for the life she leads. If the things she wrote about are the major issues in her life, then her family members must all be healthy and in good financial circumstances, and nobody in her family is in danger of losing their job, or is having serious family problems of any kind.

Further, she must live in a place that doesn’t need people to volunteer in hospitals, soup kitchens, schools, or for any other worthy cause. The school her children attend must not need anyone in the PTA, the church she belongs to must not need help with anything she does, the town or city she lives in must not need anyone to work on any of the citizens’ commissions or committees that are necessary to get things done.

Yes, the OP certainly must be endowed with great good fortune, and a fabulous life in a perfect city or town. That must be the reason she has time to worry, in such detail, over the things she wrote about. How enviable! ;^))

Reply

OP December 2, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Obviously a few of you haven’t gotten the gist of what this post was about. Mentioning her personal life? It wasn’t personal. It was out there for all the world to see. The reason I mentioned it here was to show how this woman thinks. There were many etiquette blunders in this situation, ie. the passive-aggressive nonsense because I RSVP in the negative to her invitation. None of you have gotten the whole story, because there are details involved that I consider to be private enough to not share on a public forum (specifically pertaining to the medical condition I previously mentioned). However, you’re all right about one thing: she is a major drama queen. What you are wrong about is that I am one, too. This woman has tried to ruin my reputation, and a deliberate ignoring of her friend request could very well have added fuel to the flames again. That, and the medical condition, are the only reasons why I even keep her at arm’s length, but still around.

I’m also not sure why some of you are making comments about me discussing party plans in an open forum. No where in any of my posts did I say I did that. I said I invited through email, an email which was NOT forwarded to Susie.

@Maitri – if you don’t feel that my mentioning her two children was pertinent, you need to read it again. She knew a guy for a very short time and gave the key to her home to him for him to use. That is the dumbest thing a single mother could ever do, and that was what caused the fallout between her and “Jean” in the first place. Mentioning the kids was very pertinent.

Reply

OP December 2, 2010 at 11:43 pm

@Adica – Thank you. You get it.

@The Cat Whisperer – That very sarcastic post of yours seems full of passive-aggressive assumptions. You do not know me. You do not know what kind of life I lead, anything about my family, or what kind of volunteer work I may, or may not, do. You have no idea what type of job I have (which happens to be one that provides an extremely valuable service to the community). You seem to think I spend my time “worrying” about the things I posted, and you are wrong. I will reiterate again that not all of you, yourself included, seem to be getting the gist of the post.

Reply

OP December 2, 2010 at 11:55 pm

@Kat – You said: However, I get the impression you posted details about your party on facebook where Susie could see it. Is that correct? If so, that was also kind of a passive-aggressive move. If I’m reading that wrong, though, let me know.

You are mistaken. All of the guests were invited through email, something which I would normally not do, but because this was such an informal get-together, I decided to do it this way. Also, a date wasn’t tied down for the event until I had been able to check in with everyone to see what days/times would work, so that was easier to do through email than over the phone. Susie had no idea I was planning this to-do until I finally decided that it would be wrong of me to exclude Connie and Tim because of her. She found out through Connie, who mentioned alternate plans to Susie after receiving the Facebook invite to Susie’s child’s birthday party.

Reply

OP December 3, 2010 at 12:00 am

@Karma – My thought processes? Exactly, to what, are you referring?

Reply

Elizabeth December 3, 2010 at 12:08 am

@Alice- I personally disagree with #3. I don’t think it is rude to not add someone. What is the point of having someone as a friend if you chose to fix the settings in a way you forget you are even friends with them. I think people should be more frugal with who they add/accept requests from, including me. With that said, I think you are right there should be a study and maybe some more formal etiquette rules about Facebook and other social networking sites.

Reply

Me December 3, 2010 at 12:55 am

OP, if this woman is upsetting you this much (you mention that she is ruining your reputation and forcing you to walk on eggshells) then you need to cut her out of your life. It’s that simple.

I also don’t think that you needed to mention the part about giving the key to her boyfriend, as it had nothing to do with the ‘etiquette blunder’ that you mentioned, i.e. the Facebook passive aggressiveness. It’s like you’re saying, “She did this, this and this to me, and by the way, she’s stupid as well!” I don’t think it was pertinent, but to each their own.

Reply

Simone December 3, 2010 at 4:10 am

@OP – It does sound like a sticky situation, but I would like to say that if it is this obvious what a drama queen she is I still would, I really would, not friend her (or refriend or whatever she’s up to in her cycle :)). Even if she does take deliberate steps to try and ruin your reputation it will quickly become apparent to any person worth knowing that she is a fruit loop.

Yes, you may lose some friends through her antics, but I will guarantee that they are friends you would have lost to some drama or another eventually.

Reply

Tarina December 3, 2010 at 5:47 am

OP, if you post something on Ehell, it’s a given that people will find fault with something in the post. The comments here are milder than some I’ve seen. I’ve written up a story but I can’t find the nerve to send it because I can’t stand strangers finding faults with me. Just don’t get upset about it. They don’t mean it personally, trust me.

Reply

enna December 3, 2010 at 6:45 am

OP, you say we don’t get the situation because you haven’t disclosed all the details, which is fine just expect people not to understand fully due to the lack of information. For example you didn’t say in your original post that “Jean” had fallen out with “Susise” BECAUSE she has 2 small children and gvae a man she knew for 2 weeks a key. I think Susie might not have given herself enough time to get over her previous relationship considering her youngest child at the time of the incident was just turning one – I don’t know how long she had been single before meeting this new man.

What does come out is your furstration of someone who is immature and lacks common sense. You have tried to be diplomatic by accepting her firend request after she delated you – for all you knew her behaviour could have improved. I’m all for giving people a second chance – I think Susie has had her second chance and if she adds you again ignore it and block her maybe, unless she gives you a very good explanation. You don’t give any details what the agurment you had with in the first place because it was ilrevanent – maybe that should have warned you about why you fell out in the first place?

As for 1st bitrhday parties – it is more of a family and close firend thing. One of my firends had a baby when she was very young, I was at sixth form then went onto univeristy so I didn’t really see much of her and her new family – most of the time it was miscommunication – she would think I was at uni when I was on holiday back home and I would be snowed under with revision/essays. However we still managed to pick things up and stayed in regular contact, (thanks to facebook!) when I had work out of town. She has a second child now and I’m invited to the party because I can make it and we are close enough as firends because we’ve known each other for 12 years now.

Reply

Mechtilde December 3, 2010 at 8:41 am

Tarina’s comment has got me thinking- why is it that the comments on the main site are so much harsher than they are in the discussion forum? Are the posters the same people, and if so, why do they seem to behave differently on two parts of the same site? I just don’t understand.

Reply

admin December 3, 2010 at 8:47 am

Mechtilde, I do actually edit (ok, delete) responses that are way over the top snarky. Obvious trolls get designated as “spammers” and are never to be seen again. It’s pretty evident from my perspective reading people’s replies that people bring their own personal agendas to the table when commenting and sometimes those agendas have little to do with the actual etiquette of the situation being discussed on that particular day’s post.

Reply

bookworm December 3, 2010 at 9:29 am

OP, if you are TRULY not looking for drama, you would be able to let the little criticisms of your post to this page roll off your back. Nobody is trying to start anything with you, merely pointing out their own takes on the situation as it was described. If you were unable to say everything that needed to be said about the incident due to it being “too personal”, then you should have taken that as a hint that the entire story is perhaps too personal to be shared on the internet.

YOU, however, have come back here to argue with everybody who doesn’t agree with you 100%. I’m going to have to say that OP is the drama-llama here and that Susie is just happenstance.

Reply

DGS December 3, 2010 at 10:01 am

@OP – I’m not sure why you seem to take offense and/or become defensive at some of the responses. Obviously, none of the commentators know you in real life, and of course, the conclusions that are drawn are drawn on the basis of the story you have submitted, not additional unknown context, AND they are drawn by people many of whom have their axes to grind, or are very opinionated in one or another direction. Most of the responders who have commented on your post have previously posted stories of their own that have gotten a wide array of comments to their posts, both positive and negative (I certainly know that I have when I have posted a story or two). Not everyone has to agree with your perception of a situation, and there’s nothing personal directed at you – none of us know you to like/dislike you. When you post a story on an online forum, you invite others to comment on it. The commentary isn’t always going to be in line with your thoughts, but nothing here has been particularly snarky or negative (or if it was, I’m sure that the Admin has deleted it in lieu of posting it). Ultimately, it’s your choice how you will handle a particular situation, and you don’t have to agree with the various etiquette arbiters on here, but they also don’t have to agree with you or your assessment of a situation.

Reply

Skoffin December 3, 2010 at 10:45 am

Some of the posts here are just snarky and over the top, and I do not understand why people took the time to write them. I find the post by Cat Whisperer to be incredibly rude, PA and full of assumptions and certainly not warranted here. Judging the LW’s entire life based on one story here is ridiculous, there is certainly nothing in there that could give us a grander picture of what is happening in her life. This is a site about etiquette, not about ‘so what is the worst thing that has happened to you lately?’. Some things people just wish not to talk about, or don’t really relate to etiquette and as such do not get posted here. I have some horrible stories of my own, but I only ever post the milder ones. I doubt I would like it if someone were to jump in and declare how awesome and easy my life must be if I were to post another mild story of an etiquette blunder, especially if I happened to be going through bad news at the time.

Reply

Shannon December 3, 2010 at 12:23 pm

@Cat Whisperer-Uh this is an etiquette blog, not a share-the-worst-thing-that’s-ever-happened-to-you blog. And I’m assuming that the admin has some sort of screening process for which stories get posted, so the fact that it’s here means that someone thinks that readers might enjoy it. Also I don’t get the dig about soup kitchens and etc-are you implying that the OP should be out volunteering at a soup kitchen instead of posting here? Because if so you could say the same about anyone on this site, including yourself.

Reply

Shannon December 3, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Also, I agree that ignoring a friend request of someone you know can be a bad idea. What if you run in the person at a party and they ask you point blank why you wouldn’t accept their request? There’s no good way to respond without inciting more drama.

Reply

Louise December 3, 2010 at 12:47 pm

@ The Cat Whisperer: I thought your post was very mean. People post about innocuous little things here all the time, and on the discussion board, too. That doesn’t mean their lives are all roses. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if someone turned your argument against you and said that your life must be wonderful and there’s no need for volunteer work in your community if all you have to worry about are the stories on Etiquette Hell. Those sorts of uncharitable assumptions are unfair and unkind.

@OP: Your updates have mellowed my original answer. I think you had good intentions when you re-friended Susie on Facebook with the goal of supporting her child, but I honestly don’t think the drama and angst is worth it. Plus, as someone else pointed out, how much support could you give the son if you’re trying to keep your distance from the mother? I would keep Susie at arm’s length, or just fade out of her life completely.

Reply

Kat December 3, 2010 at 12:52 pm

This thread is starting to resemble Facebook, in terms of sheer drama. Whoa.

OP – thanks for pointing out my misunderstanding. I see you did state in your post that the invitation was by email, I just missed it.

I think Tarina’s point is well made. Any post on a forum such as this opens the poster up for criticism. OP, you’ve commented a few times that people are responding without knowing you or knowing everything about your life, but you must have seen that coming, right? All anyone knows is what you’ve told us. If someone’s comments are blatantly incorrect, just laugh it off.

That said, I really do think the comments on this forum, and on this post in particular, are unduly harsh at times. This is an etiquette site, so you’d think there would be a little more decorum and a little less snarkiness. The OP has invited us to discuss a specific incident with this post. It’s not appropriate to start casting aspersions on her personality as a whole or what she does with her life.

Reply

ItGirl December 3, 2010 at 3:13 pm

IMO, the purpose of the post was to share an amusing story. I’m very surprised at how many people are bashing the OP and saying it’s her own fault. She wasn’t asking for advice or hugs or anything like that – she was simply sharing a story.

Reply

Maitri December 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm

“@Maitri – if you don’t feel that my mentioning her two children was pertinent, you need to read it again. She knew a guy for a very short time and gave the key to her home to him for him to use. That is the dumbest thing a single mother could ever do, and that was what caused the fallout between her and “Jean” in the first place. Mentioning the kids was very pertinent.”

No, it isn’t. The fallout was between you and Susie, and didn’t involve her kids at all. Why do we need to know about her giving a key to a boyfriend? You mention it because you think it will make us, the readers, think less of her. You could have just said that she had an argument with someone, not said what it was about. I still maintain that you mentioning details of her private life in order to let us look down on her with you is snarky.

Reply

Sharon December 3, 2010 at 5:21 pm

@ ItGirl – I missed the amusing part.

Reply

Elizabeth Bunting December 3, 2010 at 11:54 pm

Some people said they needed more information, some people said they had too much information. The OP gave the information she thought would help the contributors in their responses. As far as FB is concerned, I have saved myself a great deal of grief by just blocking people who are deliberately hurtful. In general, I have found the EHell people more objective and more able to read, absorb then respond than some of the people on FB. For that I am indebted to the EHell members. I don’t have to agree, but I do have to acknowledge that they have given their experiences and the subject matter much thought before posting.

Anyway, thanks!

Reply

smallonion December 4, 2010 at 11:08 am

I couldn’t get through the first 2 paragraphs of that. It made my head spin.

Reply

Aislinn Lujan December 4, 2010 at 5:14 pm

This is an etiquette blog, not a FML blog. The OP was posting what she figured was a breach of etiquette.

Reply

Typo Tat December 5, 2010 at 7:55 am

I found the story of the Facebook drama-friend understandable. You really can’t ignore a friending by acquaintance without hurting someone’s feelings, even though accepting the request can open a can of worms.

What raised the warning lights in my head, was the use of the word “immature” to describe Susie. In my experience, those who are occupied with the “maturity level” of others, are not quite done growing up themselves. OP’s responses in this thread support my initial feeling. OP might think it’s Susie who is all about drama, but Susie is not alone.

Reply

Ruth December 5, 2010 at 9:45 pm

@Maitri I think the criticism was that as a mom she shouldn’t be giving the key to her home where her children live to a guy she hasn’t known very long. There’s a huge difference between a parent with no kids & a parent with kids letting someone have the key to their house. A jab, perhaps, but a well-justified one.

As for the constant friending-unfriending, I think the OP would be wise to realize that Suzie’s the kind of person who needs to carry her drama to annoying extremes and just not be FB friends with her. If she tries to friend again, just ignore…and if she asks IRL, tell her you don’t have time to refriend her every time she decides she’s not mad at you.

Reply

Goldie December 6, 2010 at 12:30 pm

I’ve had no luck with unfriending or ignoring friend requests. Apparently there’s an unwritten rule out there that you have to accept a request and that it is a deadly insult to remove people. The person I’d unfriended sent me a re-friend request with a message saying that FB had accidentally removed her from my list. The person I’d ignored sent me three more requests until I had to block him. Then I run into him at a grocery store and he looks the other way like he doesn’t know me… I just did not want him to see my wall (and believe me, he knows why… long story)! Sheesh.

Ever since I learned about the Hide feature, I’ve been hiding people and hiding my posts from people as well. I’ve been hiding people left and right from my feed lately. A post from a Zynga game? Hide that person. Multiple political posts? hide. Frequent boring updates? hide. PA status updates? hide. I haven’t seen you in ten years and I barely knew you then to begin with? hide. A few weeks ago though, one of the guys I’d hidden my wall from sent me a message asking if I was OK and why he couldn’t see my posts anymore. Oh no! They’re on to me…

I’m starting to see FB as one huge privacy breach. I’ve seen people lose their jobs over it, I’ve seen people’s private information leaked all over the place because someone else had tagged them in a personal photo and it suddenly popped up on all their friends’ pages without them knowing. Or my latest FB adventure – one of my teenage son’s friends got on my FB page, found the one photo album that I’d had the misfortune to open to “friends of friends”, found my son’s baby picture in the album, and sent the link to their classmates. I’m tightening my security settings and locking down like crazy, but what I am really tempted to do is delete the account altogether and start fresh, with a new tightly locked account and only a handful of people on my friend list.

I admit that, when I opened the account initially, I got a little Facebook-happy and added over 150 people when I should have stopped at two dozen. I’m kicking myself every day for that, because that made my FB page pretty much unusable. Today, I only use it to read posts from sites and online magazines that I “like”, stay updated about organizations/groups that I belong to, and send out party invites (which, BTW, should always be for a *private* party, unless your party is open for all that would show up.)

I would side with the OP and agree that “FB drama” can be very much a pain, because it leaks into our real life and real-life relations.

Reply

Cooler Becky December 7, 2010 at 1:30 am

I do what I want with my Facebook with no dramas. People who worry about friend/don’t friend are really childish, in my opinion.

Reminds me of when I was a kid in school where we would “friend” people and if we didn’t like someone, we’d say “don’t friend you anymore”. It’s silly and pointless.

If you’re not close to me, I’ll press decline on the friend request and put a note “for close family only”.

Reply

Cooler Becky December 7, 2010 at 1:31 am

Addendum: Anyone who harrasses my family over facebook stuff isn’t worth befriending anyway. I’d probably even get a restraining order for the whole creepiness of it all.

Reply

Chicalola December 11, 2010 at 8:48 pm

I’m amazed at some of the posts on here, blasting social networking……when what exactly are you doing? Blasting someone because of their own experiences? Telling her she is immature and a drama queen, and basically stupid for being part of it? It may not be something all of you chose to be a part of, but others do. There are still etiquette rules in play….because even though it’s on the internet, it’s still involving people and their interactions. Everyone on here blasting her and others for their part in facebook and other sites…..you are hiding behind a screen name and putting her down. If you think people on FB are immature….at least they are using their own names. Who should grow up? FB, myspace, and twitter are part of what’s going on right now. You don’t have to use it, but accept that others do.

Reply

OP December 12, 2010 at 12:35 am

Sorry, bookworm, but the posts that I have responded to on here were not simply “opinions” – some of them were downright rude. I’m amazed at how much etiquette faux pas seems to be acceptable on here, given that this is an etiquette website.

Reply

Chelsey December 12, 2010 at 6:25 pm

@DGS: You get a nice Internet hug. Everything you said in your comment was everything I was thinking as I read all of these comments. Some people just can’t take criticism…and those people probably shouldn’t be on the Internet, because when you give people anonymity, you get criticism. Absolutely a guarantee.

Reply

Nancy Drew January 17, 2011 at 9:43 am

Seriously- this was so long winded and full of trivial, gossipy details I ceased to care.

Reply

Irene Y June 20, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Wow… I came to this site after doing a search on Google for “Facebook Frenemies” and how to deal with them. And I thought MY problem was a problem! lol.. Well, I suppose all these are within the eye of the beholder…

To the OP, you are no better off than Susie or any of the other perpetrators involved. If you could just read through the fine lines, it’s obvious how much Susie wants you to be friends with her. Granted, I don’t care for immaturity or the need for attention, but from the way you write about her – it’s apparent you judge her (and others) quite a bit from the beginning. Perhaps if you got to know her on a deeper level, to her true (for most people, other than the insane or criminal-minded) are looking to be understood and have a true, pleasant self, behind the persona. That’s not to say for Susie to hold a party on the day of YOUR party was cool. I will agree, certainly not.

But you got involved and that’s how it starts. For me, it’s sad but if one doesn’t want any drama with someone else, you have to ignore them completely. I’ve had toxic friends, ex-boyfriends who wanted ‘in’ and added me on FB (numerous times, I might add) – and I just have to keep them away. Just my .02

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: