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It’s All Mom’s Fault

When I got married about 15 years ago, my mom asked me for a mailing address for her to send a gift. I thought it odd since I was only 15 miles away but so be it.

My wife and I get married without a hitch and moved to our new home. On our first Sunday back after our honeymoon we went to my parent’s church (the one I grew up in) to join them at the service and then go to lunch. I noticed people at the church who had known me for all of my 27 years were acting cold and distant and, in some cases, quite rudely toward me and my wife.

I found out later that mommy dearest had put an announcement in the church bulletin the week of our wedding that said the new bride and groom “expected” gifts from (insert VERY high end store name) to be sent to 123 Blah Blah St. with insurance.  Yes, “expected” as in you WILL send me a gift or else.

I also found out later that a woman in the church had made a beautiful quilt with my and my bride’s name on it to give to us but, after reading that announcement in the church bulletin she decided not to give it to me.

So, thanks to mom’s helpfulness, I am now a greedy, self-centered a-hole in the eyes of the church and the community I grew up in. So, I can either explain that mom put that in there and make myself look like a mom-hating shmuck or I can continue to be disliked by the friends and families I grew up with. Besides, after 15 years, although people still remember it and think I am a turd, it is too late to do anything about it.

Oh, and keep in mind that not all things “just blow over” as my wife said this would.  0322-09

Too late to do anything but in my church, a little chat with the pastor would have rectified the situation.   Besides, people who love you will exercise the principle that love covers a multitude of sins and just forget about it.

You’ve also had 15 years of married life to demonstrate kindness, generosity and gratitude to friends and family thus dispelling any negative impressions.


Comments on this entry are closed.

  • Typo Tat February 17, 2011, 5:30 am

    How would a chat with the pastor have helped matters any? I don’t see any out of the situation that doesn’t involve disgracing Mom.

  • karma February 17, 2011, 6:56 am

    Poor dude! What was your mom thinking? Geez. Funny how mothers of the groom can go positively nuts when their sons get married. Cliches always imply it’s the MOB that loses her mind.

    My spouse and I wanted a simple wedding. Very simple–as in the living room of my FIL’s home, a priest, my sister and his dad as “attendants”. A few family and friends present. We courteously declined all my MIL’s suggestions for making it “special”. She was so determined to raise the caliber of the day that she rented a Mercedes to drive herself and grandma to my FIL’s house. She paid more for her dress than mine (mine was inexpensive for a wedding dress granted, but it was $200.)

    Our eyes rolled internally when instead of the traditional rice, we’d lined up, my MIL brought out those stupid bubbles that were all the rage for a bit in the South. As other family threw rice, she and one friend of hers madly blew bubbles at us.

    We went to find my FIL’s car, as he was driving us to the airport. Instead a giant, white, stretch limousine pulled to the drive way to carry us away. How embarrassing. We are so NOT limo people.
    She kept arranging weird stuff that she wanted. We are very down-to-earth, not frou-frou, and we were really uncomfortable with some of her sneaky changes (I haven’t mentioned them all of course, just the silly ones).

  • Bint February 17, 2011, 7:46 am

    In fairness, the OP hasn’t had fifteen years to dispel this impression amongst community acquaintances, who may see him seldom, and who probably won’t relate how he treats those close to him to how he treated them. What else could he do – go back to that church all the time for 15 years? Also, he doesn’t say how long it took him to find out. It could have been years – a little late to undo the damage caused by his mother.

    And not everybody forgets these things. You may forgive them, and love the person, but you remember they hurt you, regardless of what they did afterwards.

  • Amber February 17, 2011, 8:29 am

    Oh, Dame. If these people are in a small town, trust me, 15 years is not enough to get rid of the gossip mill. People may be friendly toward the couple, but there’ll always be the underpinnings of “Do you remember what he asked for after his wedding? Never knew someone so crass. He seems to have grown out of it, thank God, but you always wonder if he’ll pull that kind of stunt again. I mean, it came from nowhere last time, and it can come from nowhere again!” It’s not hard to ruin a reputation for life in a small town.

  • WrenskiBaby February 17, 2011, 8:41 am

    I recommend speaking with the church’s pastor even though it all happened years ago. Even if there is a different pastor there, do speak with him. It cannot hurt and might help. At the very least, you will get some satisfaction out of “doing something.”

  • Harley Granny February 17, 2011, 9:16 am

    While I do have the upmost sympathy for you for what your mother pulled…that was very embarrasing.
    I have to ask this one little question…..
    How soon after the wedding did you find out what your mother had done?
    If it had even been up to a year the damage could have been reversed.

    Even now, the people who really know you, know that you had nothing to do with it.

    Congrats on the 15 years and may you have many more.

  • Aje February 17, 2011, 9:29 am

    Um, what church would allow a message like this to be printed in the bulletin? I certainly would have spoken with whomever was responsible and asked them to put in a note such as:

    “Please disregard last week’s message regarding our wedding registry. We were nothing but amazed and grateful by the support shown by our church family during our wedding celebration. ”

    As for the lady with the quilt… doesn’t it sort of crack you up to think that on her bed she has a quilt with your names on it? I mean, yes, trying to ‘teach someone a lesson’ aside, what do you do with a homemade quilt with the bride and groom’s name on it? It’s not something you can take a stich-ripper to without ruining the overall effect

  • Caper February 17, 2011, 9:32 am

    Oh my gosh, I feel awful for you.

    I wouldn’t have cared if I ended up upsetting my mother – I would have went around to everyone, apologizing for HER bulletin and explaining to them the truth. Mom would get over it. I’d rather have one woman upset with me for a short period of time rather than a large group mad at me and thinking that I’m something I’m not for ever.

  • DGS February 17, 2011, 9:34 am

    Amazing how so many people try to hijack someone’s wedding and make it all about them. Regardless if its P(arents) of the Bride, POG, wedding party or just some histrionic guests, the wedding, however lavish or simple, is about the wedding couple. Period. End of story. Between a flaky bridesmaid, my attention-seeking, histrionic Stepmother, careless stepbrother and a couple of tacky guests, a few of our family and friends did try to make our wedding all about them, but fortunately, the rest of our families and friends were lovely, and we were all able to enjoy our wedding despite a few silly glitches.

    I do agree with Miss Jeanne, though, that if OP wanted to dispell the impression that he was a money-grubbing gimme, he should have chatted with the Pastor (and hopefully, he has used the fifteen years since his big day to smooth that impression out by being his generous, gracious and kind self). I would have also had a conversation with Mom post-festivities about how inappropriate and unappreciated her intrusion was, and how much it upset her son and daughter-in-law.

  • Etah February 17, 2011, 9:52 am

    This is exactly why I always ask people – especially family or friends – when they have a request that sounds odd. Why would your mother put something like that in a church bulletin, knowing how obnoxious it sounds? Also, why did you not have her rectify the situation as soon as it you were aware of its existence?

    I don’t think you would be a mom-hating schmuck to let the church folk know you had nothing whatsoever to do with the announcement. You don’t have to call your mom out, but if you tell them you weren’t the one who put the announcement in the bulletin they can probably figure it out for themselves. When asked, you could tell them that it was someone who had your best interests at heart but was woefully misguided. This is all given that you’d even want to go through the trouble after 15 years. It is curious, however, that people who had known you for 27 years didn’t give you the benefit of the doubt or ask why you would do something so blantantly impolite.

  • Shayna February 17, 2011, 9:58 am

    What I just don’t understand is why in the world someone thinks they have a right to interfere in the planning of someone else’s wedding.

  • Purple Penguin February 17, 2011, 10:07 am

    “You’ve also had 15 years of married life to demonstrate kindness, generosity and gratitude to friends and family thus dispelling any negative impressions.”

    But, as they saying goes, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And in some communities, like churches, (not bashing churches – I’m a regular church-goer myself) once you’ve been “tainted” with a label, it’s just about impossible to get rid of. As the OP pointed out, if he tried to correct the situation, he’d have come off as a jerk for throwing his “sainted mother” under the bus. The poor guy isn’t going to win either way.

  • RP February 17, 2011, 10:16 am

    You’ve also had 15 years of married life to demonstrate kindness, generosity and gratitude to friends and family thus dispelling any negative impressions.

    True, but not everyone in the church is necessarily friends and family. For those that are just acquaintances he may not have had an opportunity (or as many chances as it takes) to change is reputation with them. They wouldn’t have asked him for help since they thought he was a gimme pig.

    I think the lesson here is to do damage control ASAP. Explaining to the pastor would probably be the best move but another option would have been to say that there had been a miscommunication. You said that you expect that any gifts from church friends will be nice, meaning that you know you’ll like anything they give you but your mom thought you meant you were expecting them to give you expensive things. You never meant for a bulletin to go up. (Saying that your mom just got carried away with the bulletin doesn’t make you look like you hate her.) Yeah, it’d be a lie but it saves anyone from looking like a jerk.

  • Kitty Lizard February 17, 2011, 10:18 am

    My mother took control and “coordinated” my wedding presents. Unfortunately she was color blind. The sheets, blankets and quilts all “matched. So did the dishes. If you call “random colors” matching.
    She also got into a pissing contest to end all with my future mother in law and kept escalating the scope of the wedding so that my small quiet wedding into a hellacious mess. I wanted to off myself.

  • Patti Purcell February 17, 2011, 10:38 am

    Wow, Are you kidding. It seems you went to your old church shortly after your wedding.
    Why did not church secretary not check with the bride and groom to see If this is what they wanted.
    Who told you what was in the bulletin, I am not kidding, I would have taken my mother-in-law
    back to church and met with the pastor, and she would have told them what she did. I do hope no one bought you gifts off that registry. Why did you not clear this up Immediately. As to the quilt, I am sure she was able to change the names on It or taken It off. I can’t Imagine how your Mother-In-law has been these past 15 years. Does she know how rude It is what she did??

  • many bells down February 17, 2011, 10:42 am

    I remember my stepmother insisted I was a “bad hostess” because I refused to register when my husband and I got married. It was neither of our first weddings, we had most of the household stuff we needed, and we practically eloped to Vegas. But she and my father threw us a reception later, and she was so upset that I wouldn’t register or tell people what to buy. We really truly did not want gifts.

    A few people brought us thoughtful little tokens anyway. I did hear later from my father that my stepmother complained about it to every person who called to ask her if I was registered.

  • Hal February 17, 2011, 11:16 am

    I have read the eight responses printed here so far. Only one suggested the mother be confronted. She should have been asked to retract her announcement at once. She used your good name and wrecked it. I guess I must say that you deserve to live a lifetime with your poor reputation. It seems you are a weak man to allow your wife to live under this cloud all these years.

  • MOB February 17, 2011, 11:21 am

    This is exactly the sort of thing I am trying to avoid with the wedding coming up in my family. Crazy relatives thinking they can do what they want because it’s all about them, not the bride and groom. It reminds me very much of my MIL trying to take over a few things when I got married. I wish I would have confronted her, at the time, instead of allowing her to continue bullying me for more than 20 years. At least I grew a spine since then and if I see any hint of a repeat performance I will put a stop to it.

  • K February 17, 2011, 11:35 am

    15 years? If one woman told you why you didn’t get a quilt, you’ve obviously had time to mend fences. Sounds more like a personal grudge with your momma. Get over it and act like a grown man or move away but whatever you do, stop dwelling on nonsense that happened 15 years ago.

  • Kat February 17, 2011, 12:08 pm

    Wow, that’s awful.

    If I were the mom in this story, what I might have done is make the rounds, roll my eyes self-deprecatingly, and say something like, “I certainly made a poor choice of words, didn’t I!” I bet everyone would have started laughing along before too much time went by.

    I do think there are ways the OP could have pointed out who was the real culprit without coming across as a mom-hater – “I know my mom had good intentions, but how embarrassing!” But I don’t know how you’d get to that point in a conversation.

  • Enna February 17, 2011, 12:15 pm

    I do agree with the OP 15 years is a long time and so long as you haven’t done anything piggish since then I think people will get over it hopefully. Or maybe have a word with the Pastor now? Bring up your wedding indirectly and say something like “I nearly died with embrassement when I found out that Mum put that message on the board. I’m amazed she did that was she processed?” So long as you only critise your mother over that incident then OP won’t come across as Mum-hating. Or why not ask her why she did it? Get her to explain to people that is was a moment of madness/stress on her part.

  • bookworm February 17, 2011, 12:22 pm

    I’m sorry this happened to you, but it can’t be healthy to sit on feelings like those for 15 years. I hope you’ve gotten yourself some counseling and taken the time to speak to the people who have seen that notice.

    It seems like some moms can get so excited about being “helpful” that they don’t notice how much damage they’re actually causing.

  • Louise February 17, 2011, 12:28 pm

    I’m surprised. These people have known you for 27 years, but during that time they’ve never picked up that you are not the kind of person to say that? And that maybe your mother is? (Although that last one might be more of a stretch, some people are very good at hiding the unsavoury aspects of their characters.)

    I’m not saying this story is made up, but I am surprised by the shunning considering these people must know you quite well. Or am I missing something?

  • --Lia February 17, 2011, 12:43 pm

    My first thought has already been mentioned: What sort of church bulletin allows that sort of notice?

    My second thought is about the OP’s mother. The relationship was all roses before this? She didn’t know her son’s mailing address? The church congregation knows her, loves her, and didn’t think something was odd? Similarly, they’ve known the young man his whole life, didn’t think the note was out of character, and didn’t ask what was up?

    Reading between the lines here, I’m getting a picture of an elderly woman with some onset of dementia, something you might not notice right away and unless you’d known her a long time. Otherwise, it doesn’t compute. Small strokes can damage that part of the brain that acts as our inner censor, can make us blurt out things we otherwise wouldn’t have blurted, act in a way we previously wouldn’t. People can stay in that state for years.

    I’d advise getting that woman in for a full evaluation, then, if my suspicions are correct, make amends to the congregation by saying something along the lines of “Please forgive her for putting in that thoughtless notice. As I’m sure you know, Mother hasn’t been herself for quite some time.”

  • Calypso February 17, 2011, 2:06 pm

    I’m with Aje—I can’t understand why a church secretary would allow such a thing to go into the bulletin unchallenged. People in that position usually have a good sense of what does and doesn’t belong in a message to the congregation.
    I don’t necessarily think this story is made up, but it also doesn’t make a lot of sense.

  • Calypso February 17, 2011, 2:07 pm

    Oh, and—her son lived within 15 miles of her home, but she didn’t know his address? Had she never visited?
    Again, possible, but not plausible.

  • TheOtherAmber February 17, 2011, 3:05 pm

    Unfortunately nothing about family behaviour around weddings surprises me anymore.

    My MIL wanted to take over our wedding. DH and I were planning a smallish wedding, less than 50 people, that we paid for. She wanted all the RSVPs sent to her (we live 1500 miles apart), we said no. Then she wanted to give us a big list of friends from her church to invite, we said no. Then she wanted us to give her a stack of blank invitations for her to fill out and hand out to whoever she wanted to, we said no. Her reasoning on the invitations was that not only could she brag about her son getting married, but a good portion of her invitees would send us gifts. She was so angry that we wouldn’t give in to her until up until a month before the wedding she was still saying she wouldn’t go. She did.

  • Chocobo February 17, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Wow, that’s just sad 🙁 I disagree — it’s never too late for the truth. Perhaps the next time you are in a conversation with someone from your home town, casually bring it up: “Well, Wife and I have been married 15 years, hard to believe! We loved our wedding but boy, Mom really slipped up once — she put some embarrassing gimme-gimme ad in the bulletin without us knowing, and I was too embarrassed to ever say anything! Ha ha!” Then move on. If word spread enough around the church of the original message, with a few of these “casual” conversations, word will spread clearing your name again.

  • Dana February 17, 2011, 3:57 pm

    This sounds similar to a wedding registry since it is gifts you two were looking for. I made a wedding registry at Myregistry.com so that my guests knew what to get me.

  • Sharon February 17, 2011, 4:34 pm

    @ K — Just because the OP posted this does not mean he is spending all his time fretting over this. Maybe he just found the site and thought his ancedote would be worth submitting.

    Perhaps you might want to view the video that Admin posted about not judging someone until you know the facts.

    I empathize with the OP. But, the fact that you and your wife have done your best to be good, giving and nice people is you best reward.

  • Just Laura February 17, 2011, 5:15 pm

    Dana, did you even read the submission? The OP didn’t say he was looking for gifts at all.
    Personally, I don’t like registries since I don’t want to tell my guest that I don’t trust their taste. But to each her own, I suppose.

    I agree with Sharon about some of the angrier posters needing to view that video.

  • Maitri February 17, 2011, 6:15 pm

    OT but – “Our eyes rolled internally when instead of the traditional rice, we’d lined up, my MIL brought out those stupid bubbles that were all the rage for a bit in the South. As other family threw rice, she and one friend of hers madly blew bubbles at us. ”

    There’s a reason that rice isn’t used as much any more – the birds eat the grains and can get sick. It also makes a mess that someone has to clean up, as opposed to bubbles that just pop and are gone. It’s not just a silly trend.

    Ahem – anyway …

    Add me to the list of folks who would have asked Mom to retract her statement and/or pass around word of mouth to everyone that the notice was HER idea, not the OP’s.

  • Anonymous February 17, 2011, 7:23 pm

    I don’t agree with Jeanne that the OP is completely at fault here. The mom was incredibly rude, and when you find out about something like that after the fact, it’s hard to take it back. Even if he and his wife did print a follow-up “retraction” to the registry information in the church bulletin, how many people would pay attention/remember it? A lot of people would have already formed opinions that “Mr. and Mrs. OP are rude and greedy, because they told the ENTIRE congregation that they’d registered at Expensive Store.” Key facts, such as “The OP’s mother was actually the one who had the message printed up,” and even “The OP and his wife retracted that message later” would get lost in the initial shock. Besides, at that point, the damage has been done–some people would have already put themselves out financially to purchase the couple a gift from Expensive Store, others would have distanced themselves from the couple, and still others (like the woman with the quilt) would feel like their contributions are somehow “not good enough.” I know that I’d feel that way, if I’d prepared a painting/poem/slideshow/something of that nature as a wedding gift, only to be told that the couple had registered at Expensive Store. Unless I was really close friends with them, I’d assume that they ONLY wanted gifts from Expensive Store, and that my originally-planned gift to them wouldn’t be appreciated. I mean, if the registry information was a mistake, and it got cleared up later, I’d still give it to them, and life would go on as normal, but some people don’t stick around (physically or mentally/emotionally) long enough to give second chances. In the OP’s case, maybe he felt like that was happening to him, and his mortification at his mother’s actions kind of magnified that feeling, as if he felt that his mother had irreparably damaged his relationship with the church community, and attempting to make amends wouldn’t help. So, yeah, it’s theoretically possible to “be kind and gracious for the next fifteen years,” and maybe the OP tried to, but there’s only so much you can do, especially if some people just automatically label you as a “bird-with-a-T” over something that wasn’t even your fault. Nobody wants to have to grovel to people like that indefinitely. Anyway, OP, I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s not your fault, and I hope you’ve since found a different church where you’re happier.

  • Harry February 17, 2011, 7:53 pm

    One of the above posters asked the pertinent question …

    What sort of church /bulletin/secretary/pastor allows that sort of notice?

    That’s a first for me ever. I have never in 60 years ever seen anything like that.

  • Laura February 17, 2011, 8:43 pm

    I have to agree with the posters who ask how this got into the bulletin at all!

  • jenna February 17, 2011, 9:07 pm

    @ Amber – this is one reason why I never want to live in a small town again (I grew up in one because my parents are into the whole ‘small town’ thing). They can’t figure out why I’m such a concrete jungle urbanite – well, the small town gossip mill is one reason why. I don’t mean to entirely hate on small towns because I do not dislike them – I just never want to live in one. Gossip mills are for people who seriously need to get a life or a hobby.

    This is also one reason why I always (inwardly, not visibly) roll my eyes when someone gets all “small town folk are just so much darned nicer!” No, they’re not. They’re no more or less nice than people from larger population centers.

    Anyway. Had I been the OP, I would have a.) taken out a new bulletin immediately apologizing and explaining that it was not placed by us. b.) had a word with the pastor and c.) started my OWN gossip mill by telling my closest friends the truth, and encouraging them to spread the word. Not everyone in town might’ve been my friend, but friends-of-friends and friends-of-friends-of-friends should encompass just about everyone.

    Also, I’m with those who say “why did the church secretary allow this?” I’ve said it before about wedding vendors: a professional vendor never takes orders from anyone who is not the bride or groom without prior permission to do so from the couple.

    Same here: the secretary should know as a part of her position that when it comes to wedding announcements, especially ones like this (could he/she have not seen how inflammatory it was?) that it’s a good idea to quickly call up the couple first to confirm whether to run it.

  • WrenskiBaby February 17, 2011, 9:49 pm

    I am a church secretary. If I put a notice like this into the bulletin, I think I would be fired. There is no way our Pastor would allow such an announcement. I wonder whether the mother was able to sneak it into the bulletin somehow, without the Pastor knowing about it? Maybe the bulletin was published at the last minute or something and the Pastor trusted whoever was typing it and running it off to have good judgment. Whatever the explanation, it is a serious lapse in taste and it sounds like it pretty much ruined the couple’s reputations.

  • Zhoen February 17, 2011, 9:54 pm

    “Pastor, I had no idea people would still be sore about that “registry” thing mom put in the paper 15 years ago. Is there any way we can finally get this sorted out?”

  • babs February 17, 2011, 10:41 pm

    Being that they were close to getting married, they could have purchased a new home or rented a new apartment. My son has lived in the same house about 10 miles from me, but I sitll have to call my DIL if I need their address. I just go there – I don’t mail things to them! I work for a very large church, and this would have never, ever, ever happened. I’m thinking it was a smallish church, and usually the pastor has control or knowledge about what goes into the bulletin. If this really did happen, it seems that everyone involved took leave of their senses. If pastor found out after the fact, I believe he would have rectified the situation without having to be asked. Maybe it was a church without a pastor at the time. Who knows? Just seems unbelievable, but then, so many ettiquitte breaches are to fairly normal people!

  • Maggie February 18, 2011, 2:29 am

    The son should make the mother “make good” on this etiquette faux pas – and if she doesn’t, he gets dibs on the final word… by including the incident, from his viewpoint yet humorously, in her eulogy. Or is that another etiquette no-no?

  • Rebecca February 18, 2011, 3:17 am

    Whoa, I’d want a “correction” as soon as I found out. Tell the pastor to make another announcement in the church bulletin that “Mr and Mrs OP wish to clarify an earlier notice regarding their wedding gifts. They did not put that notice in themselves, and were mortified to find out that somebody had placed that notice on their behalf. Please accept their sincerest apologies for any offense the earlier notice may have caused.”

  • kero February 18, 2011, 5:18 am

    “On our first Sunday back after our honeymoon ”
    However long the time span is between the blunder OP’s mom made and the discovery, I do hope things get better. There’s a chance that even if the situation was corrected, the “friends” wouldn’t believe it and continue on being rude. It’s sad to see relationships of 20+ years turn their backs on you.

    I would like to know how OP found out what happened.

  • Mechtilde February 18, 2011, 6:24 am

    Maggie- I’m afraid that clarifying the situation in the eulogy, tempting though it is, is a no-no!

  • --Lia February 18, 2011, 9:20 am

    The reason for not throwing rice at weddings is that it’s murder to clean up. It does not pose a health risk to birds.


    As for bubbles, I find the idea rather festive and fun. That’s not throwing soapy water at folks in formal wear. It’s blowing some bubbles. I understand if others don’t care for the practice, and I agree that it should be left up to the couple to decide.

  • nkkingston February 18, 2011, 2:11 pm

    Quick note: I think Dana is a spambot, considering the very tangential nature of the comment and the link.

    I agree with Sharon; odds are that with a lot of submissions on this site that refer to events that took place years ago, the submitters haven’t been obsessing over them for years. Instead, they’ve found the site, wanted to submit, and recalled an incident of poor etiquette that happened to them once. I think the fact that so many submissions refer to things that happened some time ago is very positive since it means people don’t have anything recent to share. Obviously etiquette fails don’t happen as commonly as some fear!

  • karma February 18, 2011, 6:04 pm

    That bird story is an old urban legend. Birds have been eating dried grains and seeds for thousands of years. Additionally, throwing the rice outside is not a mess. One does not throw it inside.

  • Sylvia February 18, 2011, 6:56 pm

    To the person who asked what you’d do with a quilt that had the bride’s and groom’s names on it; it depends on where the names were and what she used to put their names on there. I made my friend a wedding quilt and put their names on a big label on the back–easy to remove. If she hand-embroidered them on the top–easy to rip out. If she printed or machine-embroidered the names into the piecing on the top, that would be harder but not necessarily impossible to deal with, depending on the quilting. And she could have always appliquéd something else over top.

  • gramma dishes February 19, 2011, 2:04 pm

    Karma ~~ The reason many churches will not permit the throwing of rice at weddings is that the little grains on sidewalks or other paved areas make it very ‘slippery’ and hazardous, especially for older people or others who have unsure footing. While it does not really make birds “explode” (as the myth goes), it HAS been responsible for many human falling incidents.

  • aventurine February 19, 2011, 8:49 pm

    I feel ya, buddy. My husband’s mother pulled a not-dissimilar stunt when we married (20 years ago next month!) She wanted to help, badly, but I knew by then that I couldn’t really trust her not to rearrange things to her liking, so I gave her something I didn’t think she could sabotage .. I asked her to address and mail the invitations to Lapis’ side of the family.

    None of them showed up. He was confused and saddened, I was that plus angry on his behalf, and she pleaded complete mystification.

    It was only a couple of years ago that I found out that, not only had she never mailed the invitations, she’d told the family that I’d never gotten around to getting them ready (I hand-made each one) and that I didn’t really want any of them there anyway. Absolutely nothing could have been farther from the truth.

    How do I make that right, after 17-18 years of marriage? And to make it even worse, two of his favorite aunts passed before we knew, so there’s no possible way of making it right with them. 🙁

    This is one reason of thousands why she’s been cut out of our lives. This mystifies her, too, so I’m told.

  • guihong February 20, 2011, 7:10 am

    Aventurine, that’s awful :(:(

    If my MIL pulled anything like the OP’s situation, I would have given her a choice (I’m assuming that the program message was found very soon, not years later like Aventurine’s). MIL could have a retraction printed in the bulletin, or, better yet, make an apology in front of the congregation-or I would, sparing no names. If my spouse didn’t have my back on this, or made any excuses for Mom, then I’d be thinking long and hard about what I was getting into.

    Chalk me up as another one who wonders how something so terrible got into the bulletin, unless secretary was on autopilot.