I don’t want children because of one simple reason: I don’t like babies. That’s right- I am a woman who doesn’t like babies. I love toddlers, love small children and older kids. (I’m a 6th grade teacher, after all!) But babies, I cannot stand. And for some reason, this seems to be unacceptable at my profession.
If you work in a school, you really can’t escape babydom. Pretty much every female teacher leaves for maternity. Some take a year off to care for young children. Because of this fact, I normally keep my mouth shut, except for a hearty “congratulations” and “good luck” to the co-worker. I mean, if it were me, I wouldn’t want some person talking about how they don’t like babies while I’m expecting! It just seems rude.
Apparently, Shana didn’t think it was something to keep silent about. She is a co-worker who has 3 young kids. Actually, she spends a great deal of time telling us stories about them which have nothing to do with anything. (Example: Billy was drawing a house yesterday!) Anyway, one day at our merry lunch table, Cindy said she was expecting. I congratulated her.
“Oh you don’t really mean that!,” Shana said laughing. When the rest of the table turned to look at her, she quickly added, “Amber doesn’t like babies!”
I confess, I turned red. I didn’t know how to respond. Cindy was very kind- she laughed and commented that regardless of how I felt about infants, I certainly had a talent with 11 year olds. Aw, how sweet. The moment was almost saved when Shana said, “That’s probably why she’s single now, most men want children, you know.”
At that moment I turned a beautiful dark red and wanted to crawl under my seat. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of two years a few weeks before and made the mistake of mentioning it to Shana.
Later, away from the audience of co-workers, I confronted her about what she had said such outlandish rude statements. Shana made the excuse that she was only doing it, “Because I thought you’d want the other single teachers to know that you’re available again!” Incredible! 0131-11
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The worst part here is that Shana probably thought she was doing the right thing.
“That’s probably why she’s single now, most men want children, you know.”
Hahahahahaha, no.
Yow. From now on, Shana gets told nothing personal. What a boor!
Suggestion: If someone brings this up again when yet another teacher gets pregnant, you should say, “It’s true, I don’t care to have children myself. However, I’m still pleased for (co-worker), since this is something she wants.” Should take the wind out of their sails.
I am so sorry that Shana did this to you. Oy!
(I must admit, the first thought that came into my head when the other person said, “Amber doesn’t like babies!” was “Hermie doesn’t like to make toys!” from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! 😉 )
That said, Shana should not have said that. I hope she apologized. (FWIW, it sounds like you handled the confrontation well.)
Shana, Shana….is she mean, or is she just a knucklehead?
I’m going to vote for the mean category. After all, when Cindy spoke up, Shana had the chance to back off her dumb statement. Instead she took it to the next level on purpose.
Better to avoid telling your business to this one. She uses it as leverage to be cruel.
Wow. Shana needs to learn to engage her brain before she speaks. She added nothing worthwhile to that conversation with those comments.
What a mean-spirited boor Shana is! Not to mention, a dense mean-spirited boor. The wonderful thing about living in the 21st century and women’s lib is that a woman actually gets to have a choice on whether she wants to have children or not, and while for someone like me who has wanted to have a child all her life (and is currently pregnant after a tragic loss of my twins at 24 weeks), it is hard to understand why someone would not want to have children, I honor and respect your choice and your right to decide that extremely personal question for yourself. It is certainly not for anyone to judge or comment on, and Shana put you in a very awkward position. However, I can’t imagine that the rest of your co-workers are so disrespectful as to not be able to conceive of the notion that a woman may not want to have kids and respect her decision (just as you have been gracious enough to respect and offer congratulations to women who have made the choice to have kids).
In the future, if someone pries and asks you why don’t you want to have children, etc., you might consider just smiling and saying that you get enough exposure to children at school and leaving it at that and then, turning the attention back on the expectant mother and asking her how she is feeling, has she and her spouse thought of names, has she thought about colors for the nursery, etc. Most people are egotistical enough to where they don’t want to talk about you and would much rather rant about their own lives.
Wow, that’s beyond rude. This was probably Shana’s attempt to elevate her status in the group by humiliating OP. At least now OP knows that this woman is not her friend.
Embarrassing! You did the right thing by confronting her about it. Hopefully despite her lame excuse she felt a little embarrassed of herself and will abstain from saying those kinds of things in the future. You definitely have some class — too many people I know are way too vocal about their baby/no baby feelings at the worst times.
How horrifically rude. And high school girlish. Good heavens!
Wow. I’m glad you confronted her. What a moron. I worry that somebody so clueless is in the profession of teaching impressionable children.
Shana needs to learn to engage her brain before putting her mouth in gear. Whether you like babies or not is no one’s business but your own. The moral of your story is: don’t confide to Shana anything you don’t want repeated to the world at large.
By the way, not liking babies doesn’t preclude you having a family if you want one. There are thousands of older children who have never had the love of a “forever” family. Our grandson was 9 when our daughter and son-in-law adopted him, and he is the delight of our lives.
Inexplicably rude of Shana to make such comments. There is no excuse for this. No, her reason for doing so was to jab at the OP; it had nothing at all to do with “letting others know you were single again”. What a crock! I will never understand how come some people can’t just let people be. Why do they feel it is their duty to belittle, embarrass, or hurt others by making thinly veiled semi-rude comments about the state of another’s life or choices? And how appalling to even hazard her ill, rude guess about why the OP is not married.
This is sort of a personal pet peeve for me; everyone does not want or like children. It’s the same as some people liking or disliking animals, or hobbies, or heck, certain foods. Why can’t people accept that not everyone wants to be a parent, for various personal reasons, most of which do NOT have anything to do with being “messed up” in some way? I fall into the childed camp now, but it was a long road to that decision (12 years of marriage before deciding to get pregnant), and I certainly got tired of people thinking that their unwanted, nosy opinions and comments about my reasons for being child-free up until that point were called for or acceptable.
I have no words for this one. You have a somewhat rare viewpoint on wee folk and keep it to yourself in an effort to not upset anyone else’s apple cart and this “friend” decides to point fingers at you and then add insult to injury by proclaiming you unloveable because of it?! There are PLENTY of people that remain childless by their own choice and Shana needs a good reminding that not everyone is enthralled by every bodily function or scribble that kidlets emit – and I am the PROUD mother of two very noisy used-to-be-babies.
I think that you handled this situation as best that you possibly could have and I do hope that you’ve refrained from including Shana in anything but the barest and coolest of salutations since this incident. Honestly, I can’t believe how ANGRY I am at her on your behalf…this was just inexcusable!
Wow. I am assuming you considered Shana enough of a friend at some point to share your feelings on babies with her, which to me makes it seem even more hurtful that she’d do this. Rest assured however that your lunchmates are probably far more appalled by Shana’s behavior than your dislike for infants– Cindy’s kindness is proof of that. After all, you kept it to yourself and were polite and congratulatory. Shana was rude and worse than that, cruel.
How incredibly rude ! However, if this is only the first time she pulled something like this – I’d chalk it up to a momentary lapse in judgement. You let her know how rude it was, so hopefully she doesn’t think something like that would be okay to say again.
Shana’s an idiot who seems to have no brain/mouth filter. I wouldn’t confide anything to her ever again.
I agree Shana’s behavior was beyond rude, but I’d also like to point out that video that the admin posted a few days ago about how inner turmoil can cause really thoughtless and rude behavior to come out. It just makes me wonder if there is something else going on in Shana’s head that made her say those comments. Then again im no psychologist and she was probably just letting her thoughts roll out instead of checking them first and later tried to hide her mistakes by justifying what she said.
Oh, okay…I don’t necessarily want to go to med school, but can’t I congratulate my neighbor who gets accepted? No one’s going to say, Oh you don’t mean that…you don’t like med school! You didn’t choose it for yourself! How ridiculous.
You handled yourself better than I would have. I’d have asked Shana to kindly avoid interrupting my mature conversation with the mom-to-be.
I agree with the posters who are saying to be very careful about what you confide to Shana in the future. Like Grandma Pyle always said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Wow….you handled it way better than I would have….but then again I’m known for saying the 1st thing that comes out of my mouth…..I do curb the rudeness…..I only do this when I’m being rude to.
I would have asked her why she would say such a thing right there in front of everyone.
I am glad you called her on it…hopefully it will give her pause should she feel the need to share again.
So you learned not to share anything with her again.
Cindy is sweet to redirect that way. Shana is a clod. OP, you handled it as well as you could have, I think. But don’t ever confide anything in private to Shana ever again.
I can understand why you don’t broadcast it, but there is nothing shameful about not liking babies.
Wow. Just…wow.
I belong to that subset of women who likes babies but doesn’t want children. I figure, I like other people’s babies – they’re cute, fun to hold for a bit and play finger-grab with, and then when they start to poop, puke or cry I can give them back! I never want to be the person who actually has to deal with the pooping, spitting or crying (and I get really irritated when people say “it’s different when it’s yours” – what if I don’t want to find out if that’s true or not?)
Anyway, as someone who gets flak for not wanting children, I totally feel the OP on being the recipient of such offhandedly knuckleheaded comments. My personal “favorite” is “most men want children” – errr, even if that were true (and I am not sure it is), the right man for the OP wouldn’t want kids, because they would have similar life goals.
I see this so often with women – the attempt at guilting them into changing their goals and preferences through blithely idiotic comments: “most men want children (therefore if you want a man, you should change your mind on the baby issue)”, “men prefer women with long hair (so you shouldn’t cut it short again)”, “women are just better nurturers (so you should be questioning your decision to work on your career and instead have and stay home to care for kids)”….it kills me to see it happen but I’ve seen it so many times.
Wow, that’s rude! Just because you don’t like babies doesn’t mean you can’t congratulate a coworker. The coworker wanted that baby, so even if I didn’t like them myself, I would still congratulate her, because she got what she wanted, and it makes her happy, so why not throw out a “congrats” or two?
I’d just like to point out that not wanting/liking children or babies is not that rare, guys. Lots of men AND women aren’t interested in children in one form or another. It isn’t cool to marginalize people by saying what they feel is unusual — especially when it isn’t.
I proposed to my wife after she told me she didn’t want children. I didn’t want them but felt it wrong to date a woman seriously because most do want children. We had 28 great years until I lost her to cancer. Others here say many do not want children. They are right. Don’t be pressured to become a parent if you do not want to be one. Notice the cruel, and judgmental remarks some are making here. What do you suppose their children face when those children inevitably disagree with such people? Sad.
Wow! Well, I’m kind of like the OP. I love babies ,toddlers and kids not yet old enough to be stinkers. However, when it comes to babies, I like to admire from th comfort of someone else’s arms. They are just too cute and fragile, and things that cute just have to be evil. Alright, not evil, but they try to guilt you into wanting one of them with thier little tiny faces. But, I digress. I dont think I want kids. I’m 24 and that hasn’t changed since I was 12, so I understand the OP. I also dont want to announce this at normal conversation. But, it it does come up I usually say something like:
“Yup. It’s true. I borrow or rent, but I don’t think I intend to own. If you’re looking to rent out the little cutie let me know. But, I don’t do poo. Absolutely no poo!” I say this in my normal goofy way to let people know it’s a joke.
I belong with you OP – cannot stand infants and I think most babies are ugly, not cute. Please don’t beat me up over this, it is simply the truth about my perceptions. I think babies heads are too big (they are all bobble heads), their arms and legs are not properly proportioned, their facial expressions are often vacant and odd, etc… I know that’s a terrible thing to say – but again just being honest.
My husband and I were really on the fence about having children because neither one of us likes babies, but we thought we could be really good parents. We decided to let nature take it’s course, we didn’t try for a child but we didn’t prevent one either. We did eventually have a child and he is two now. I love him SOOOO much it almost hurts, and he is precious and cute and wonderful, but IT WAS AN INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF WORK when he was an infant and I really resented the loss of my time. My husband and I have found we really like being parents and are now trying for another one, but we are dreading going through the infancy stage again. Fortunately, we know that the infancy stage doesn’t last forever and we will love our child in spite of the onerous beginnings.
I can’t say that having a child has changed my mind about the work and looks of an infant, but I am glad I have one. On the other hand, I am also even more supportive of the decision not to have one because it is the hardest work and the most need for responsibility I have ever had. It is definitely not for everyone.
Sorry. I support the many comments made here. I meant the cruel remarks my wife I and I heard from some people who didn’t agree with our decision.
Just tossing out some speculation on an alternative reason for Shana’s ridiculous behaviour: It’s possible that she wanted to “show off” how well she knew the OP. I know it sounds bizarre, but I have known people who were more than happy to “announce” things about me to a group, usually to show some sort of weird possessiveness (“she’s MY friend”). Usually this person is very insecure and wants to show she’s not just a “tagalong” or something.. I’ve had friends/acquaintances do it when meeting my other friends (ones I’ve known longer) for the first time, sort of a way to say “I know stuff about her too!” It can also be used to try to make the relationship seem more intimate than it is, or to just try to fit in when one feels uncomfortable around a group of people they don’t know well (but do know one person). Rarely, it can also be used to try to appeal to the person you’re talking about – consider the couple where he politely declines an offer for tea, and she feels the need to pipe up with “He just can’t STAND hot beverages.” It simultaneously shows possession and that you “pay attention” and remember these little things. It’s possible that Shana intended the comments to be a “good ribbing” and to make your relationship seem closer than it is, for the benefit of herself, the audience, or even you. I don’t know, it’s possible she’s just a total idiot – but people who reveal things about others without knowing if it is alright to do so (“Oh, Paul is gay” “Oh, Joy wouldn’t be interested, she’s a raging liberal!”) are either doing so out of meanness or desperation. If Shana is constantly trying to get attention with her stories and show how she “fits in” to the group, she may be in the latter category. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow others’ advice here and button your lip around her. 😉
(OT: Also childfree, though for different reasons [I think kids can be great, but I have no desire to parent and NO desire to go through pregnancy/birth at ALL, thanks. If I ever suddenly decide I need to be responsible for another human, I’ll adopt.], and I think you behaved very very well. As others have pointed out, it’s not at all “rare” these days to meet people who don’t want children, and it absolutely doesn’t sentence you to a life of spinsterdom! It seems like Shana’s stuck in the 1950’s on that front.)
I used to turn red and get flustered when people said boorish things like that, too.
Now I look them in the eye and say, “That’s a *terrible* thing to say,” “That wasn’t nice of you,” or “What possessed you to say such a thing?”
If you’re going to keep talking to people after they’ve said something like that, it’s better to turn the tables and make it about their impoliteness instead of your personal business. You don’t have to justify yourself, so don’t. Instead, call them on their rude behavior, and if they try to bring up your personal business again, say it’s a personal matter outside of their concern and stop talking to them.
I still turn red, unfortunately. It’s an involuntary response, outside your control. BTW, when someone decides to make my face blushing a topic of conversation, I say, “I think the *polite* response is not to call attention to it,” using the same tactic as above. The commenter is the rude one, not me, and we’re well within our rights to point out their rude behavior. I know Shana didn’t say anything about it, but it may have been part of why she kept going beyond the initial rude remark. Some people think it’s fun to kick us blushers when we’re down (or red, as the case may be) because they think they have us over a barrel.
My way of thinking is that picking on someone for blushing is the same as picking on someone for having a stutter or seizure, and offenders should be treated accordingly!
There are a lot of people who dislike or are uncomfortable around babies, but like older kids just fine. It is pretty common because babies do not talk, and being responsible for the care of a child that cannot tell you what they need is pretty intimidating. Plus diapers are pretty gross, really, and babies leak from other orifices at the drop of a hat. It’s really not a big deal, and a lot of teachers feel that way- after all, by the time teachers get a kid in class he or she can talk, self-feed, self-clothe, and are potty-trained. And Shana is wrong, I know quite a number of charming, wonderful men who either firmly do not want children, or don’t particularly care if they have children or not, AND do not despise all children as a matter of principle. Shana is at best thoughtless and possibly cruel and malicious, and her excuse for embarrassing you was lame. You handled the situation with impressive grace.
Shana was rude to say, “You don’t really mean that”. You can be happy for someone without wanting what they have. When you offer your congratulations to an announcement of “I’m pregnant” or “I’m engaged”, you operate on the assumption that they are getting something they want, so you congratulate them.
Both OP and Cindy acted with class. This Shana is mean–not only does she have no business in spilling OP’s personal feelings AND labeling her as unloveable, but she also has NO business in playing match-maker either. I think Shana’s intention for OP was a lame excuse to cover her mess.
I can’t believe she said that you don’t mean it! Just because you don’t want kids doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy for someone who does.
I broke up with my last two boyfriends because they didn’t want babies. Both were kind, goodhearted men who wanted to commit, but without children.
OP, there’s nothing at all wrong with you. As a teacher, you give to the world, and to children, far more than most. Shana spoke very thoughtlessly, and I find it difficult to believe that she didn’t intend to hurt you.
There are many good men out there who are not looking for babies to be part of a relationship. And someone who is as open-hearted as a teacher must be is a treasure.
The scariest part of the story is that Shana is a teacher! OP, you handled it as best you could, and Cindy did too.
I have one child and no desire for another, as a single parent, and there seems to be no end to the questions as to when and why I don’t have more. None of your business!
Wow. I think you handled that very well. We have a woman who is a bit like that at our office – you’ve inspired me to (hopefully) not let my face burn red and stay silent the next time I’m embarrassed by her. Hopefully. 🙂
I also wanted to share a quick related story. The first time I met my child’s teacher, she told me my daughter (then 3) had been acting a little pouty when she didn’t get the attention she wanted. As the youngest in her preschool group, she was used to being “babied.” The teacher asked her to come join the bigger kids and my daughter smiled and said, “That’s right! Cause my mom doesn’t like babies!”
Fortunately, the teacher took it with a grain of salt and laughed it off (not knowing it’s fairly true!)
First thing that came to mind is that Shana was jealous of you, or about something to do with you. Don’t know why, just my first impression.
I feel the same as you, I like older kids. Always have, probably always will.
Chrysla, that’s one of the most honest things I’ve ever read on either side of this particular fence (and as a confirmed childfree of over a decade, I’ve read a lot!) Brava!
Hal, I knew what you meant. Lapis and I haven’t faced any outright cruelty because of our choice, but we’ve fielded questions from the curious to the weirded-out to the dismissive. No one’s ever been outraged, but maybe that’s because we’ve been so matter-of-fact about it.
OP, I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know, but I’m standing in your corner. Shana knew exactly what she was doing, and it almost sounds like she was holding that tidbit in reserve, waiting to clobber you with it at the first opportunity. What a piece of work she is. @@
OP, Shana was wrong, but your opening paragraph was very defensive. You have every right to not want children, but it’s rude to decide for us that we’re all going to react negatively to your being uncomfortable around babies.
There are some people who feel that other peoples’ business should be posted on the front page of the local paper. I had a fellow teacher who found out that I had legally changed my name. A sociopathic family member was stalking me and I thought it was best to change my name and move rather than to fight him for a loaded 12 gauge for the third time.
Susan told everyone she could find: former students, current students, casual acquaintances…and lied to my face saying that I had told her I had changed my name. I explained that theywould be making snowflakes in Hell before I told her anything about my personal life and that it was none of her business (said in capital letters).
A mutual friend had told her. I told mutual friend that she was no longer my friend as she knew Susan’s habit of gossiping about things she should never have mentioned. And then I quit my job and moved.
LOL for real! Alice’s reply for the win! “Hahahahahaha, no.”
Good for you OP! You stood up for yourself AND broke down some societal stigmas. I’m another one who doesn’t want children. Frankly I don’t care for them at any age and would rather not be around them any more than necessary. That sounds horrible but it’s not as if I am mean to them or rude, I just prefer not to interact with them.
Erin I think the OP is just falling into habit with her first paragraph. Women who don’t want children to tend to be the victims of a lot of criticism and it can sometimes be hard to switch off the defensiveness when it comes to our life choices.
I don’t think the opening paragraph was defensive. The OP explained her position and that she often faces criticism.
There is no assumption that we would react negatively. There is nothing rude in what she said. She didn’t even mention the readers on this board, for goodness’ sake.
Yes, Shana knew what she was doing. I suspect she’s jealous of you.
Cindy has class. Shana does not.
This reminds me of a friend of mine, let us call X. She had won back her ex-boyfriend at the same time that I spoke with my friend whom I harbored feelings for, but he did not reciprocate. We were sitting in a group, and heard her story. Then, someone asked me if I was doing ok, and I said I am fine, but none of my friends tried to dwell on my “talk”. Then X said to me that something must be wrong with me because none of the guys seem to like me! I was pretty taken aback, and pointed out to her that I don’t think that is the case, and it is just that we are not meant to be together. (BTW, I have many friends, both men and women; so I am not really an unlikable person). My other friends came into my defense and seconded what I said.
X did not have any malicious intent. She just doesn’t think before she speaks.
I am not sure if Shana had malicious intent or not. But it surely is very rude to say something of this sort to someone. It is especially rude because she just assumed you’ll not be happy for others if you don’t want little children of your own.
Let’s look at what she said then: “That’s right- I am a woman who doesn’t like babies.”
“That’s right” implies we’re already in a discussion and have told her she’s wrong. Yet she leads with it.
“But babies, I cannot stand.” Really? You couldn’t have put that in a nicer way? Lots of people are uncomfortable around babies, but they don’t say they can’t stand them.
Opening her otherwise completely reasonable story with such a disrespectful, hateful tone is rude. It made me wonder what her relationship with Shana is actually like. Shana’s no prize, but if she’s reacting to OP’s attitude, it makes the situation just a bit more understandable.
Erin, it seems like you’re the one who’s being defensive here. I don’t see anything disrespectful or hateful about the OP’s tone. If anything, it seems like she was trying to be light and funny.
My HUSBAND has very little sense of personal boundaries — he just thinks it’s all interesting news to be shared. It is very aggravating, and yet if I tell him “I don’t want you telling people this,” he gets all offended that I would think he would tell other people my personal business. ARGH!
I think it would be far worse to have a baby when you don’t want one than to not have kids at all. I LOVE my babies, but I’ll tell you, once I had kids, I could understand (not that I approve) how shaken baby syndrome happens. And I’m a person with family support and reasonable financial security coming from a loving family background.
I think whether you like babies is a non-issue, other than as an interesting fact about you.
Erin, I’m not reading it that way at all. It reads conversational to me, not disrespectful or hateful.
To whom would you say she’s being rude, here?
What’s wrong with saying she can’t stand babies? It’s not an attack on them; it’s an expression of how she feels. Maybe her feeling about babies goes deeper than discomfort. She has a right to express that.
Your mileage obviously varies, but I don’t see what you see at all.