My story happened last year and even now I’m not sure everyone involved has completely grasped why I was so upset.
In January, a few of my girlfriends and I planned to go away for the Bank Holiday weekend in August. Quite a time lapse, but it was a tradition that started from our University days. The weekend normally involved spa days and pub crawls in the evening, just a nice long weekend to catch up with friends and have fun. So we booked the hotels, booked the time off of work and all was good.
In April I discovered I was pregnant. An unplanned but happy surprise, it was the first child for both me and my husband and we were understandably cautious, excited and absolutely petrified. By June I had my 12 week scan and confident the baby was doing well, we began telling our family and friends the good news. I also told my girlfriends that I wouldn’t be coming to the weekend trip in August as, 1) I wouldn’t be drinking and didn’t want to be sober at 3am surrounded by people more then a little intoxicated, 2) I also didn’t want to ruin their weekend by being back in the hotel by 9pm fast asleep and complaining when they stumbled in at 4am [We were sharing one large room.], 3) because morning sickness, chronic backache and swollen ankles just ain’t fun; and again I didn’t want to ruin it for the others with my complaining, and 4) because hell, I wanted to be at home, curled up with a baby name book with my husband and father of my child.
I had already paid my share of the hotel room and train fare and told them in no way did I expect it back. I even told them if they wanted to invite someone else and use the extra money for drinks on me then it was all good. I did feel guilty about not being there for the first time in like 6 years, but my little growing bubba took priority.
In July I miscarried. As you can imagine, my and the husband were devastated. We were told it was just “one of those things” and that we/I did nothing wrong and that sometimes Nature just takes back what she gives…all the usual things said to a woman who has suffered a miscarriage to try and stop falling headlong into a pit of guilt and self recriminations.
So we began the awful task of telling our family and friends what happened. When telling one of my girlfriends whom I was meant to be going away with, the first thing she said was, “Oh! Now you can come away with us in August!” Like my child was just a mere inconvenience to her plans which had now sorted itself and life could go on as normal. I was completely shocked and told her, “No, I will be grieving my child and will not be attending”, then quickly cut the conversation short.
I understand that when given shocking or tragic news, people don’t know what to say, I appreciate that and after a few days, I didn’t hold it against her. Maybe she was trying to cheer me up in her own misguided way or maybe her mouth kicked into gear before her brain did and she never intended it to come across as it did. With that thought in mind, I gave her a call a few days later, whereupon the second sentence she said to me after “hello” was, “So have you changed your mind about the weekend away yet?”
At that point, I told her someone was at the door and I really had to go. 0517-11
The people who most often say stupid things about miscarriages are the ones who never had one. They have no concept of what someone is feeling or how a miscarriage represents lost dreams of the future.