May 8, 2007 — A panicked Paris Hilton yesterday urged her fans to join her in a desperate plea to California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to keep her out of jail.
After being found guilty of driving with a suspended license after a DWI arrest, Hilton was sentenced to serve 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, California. Appalled that such an exquisite example of beauty and hope could be sullied by a brief interlude in a county jail, Hilton friend Joshua Capone wrote a letter and began an online petition begging California’s “governator” to pardon the pitiful Ms Hilton.
And what exactly are Ms. Hilton’s redeeming qualities Mr. Capone cites as justification for Ms. Hilton’s weaseling out of a just sentence? She brings “beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.”
Um, yeah. I don’t think so Joshua. She brings nothing but irritation at her drama queen antics during the very rare moments of my otherwise contented life that I devote precious brain cells to storing useless information about her. God help the boring, ugly people. We have no hope of getting pardoned at all.
Mr. Capone (any relation to Al?) further waxes lyrically of his pal , “Paris Whitney Hilton is a 26-year-old American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. ”
Someone help the clueless blog writer. “Hope” of what? Hope that some unsuspecting commoner might suddenly find out he/sheÂis the longlost, missing, out-of-wedlock love child of Richard Hilton and can now expect a life of irresponsibility for their actions simply because of wealth? Everything Paris has, has been handed to her on a silver platter, something most young people will not experience. But I guess they can “hope” for it! You too can claim that your beauty, your vivaciousness and net worth are all important contributions to society and must not be hidden from society’s gaze for such a ridiculous reason like a just jail sentence.
Ever the drama queen, Hilton blames the police because, “They’ll just pull me over to hit on me.” She wouldn’t have been caught DWI with a suspended license if it weren’t for those darned LA cops “singling her out for her notoriety”. I guess it’s too difficult to balance being a beacon of hope and beauty to “most people” with the consequences of fame and notoriety.
Jeffrey Isaacs, chief of the Criminal Branch of the L.A. City Attorney’s office dismissed any notion that Ms. Hilton was somehow getting misused by the justice system, “This was well within the judge’s discretion and more than just, she could’ve got 90 days.”
90 days without Paris Hilton in the news spreading her special brand hope and beauty to the unwashed masses. Sounds like heaven to me.