Peeve The Hostess And You Are Off The Guest List!

by admin on August 1, 2011

A friend, Lindsey, and I are kind of in a pickle, and looking for a bit of advice. One of our good friends from college, Amy, is getting married, and we were both invited to the wedding as well as the bachelorette party. It’s been a while since college, but we were both excited to get the electronic invite, searched it over, and both responded the same way.

You see, we’re both pregnant. There’s no hiding it with me, but Lindsey can wear some looser clothing and looks good. But, as this is a bachelorette party hosted by someone who is still in college themselves, there’s going to be some drinking involved. The party is in three parts, first a ‘dance class’ at a place that allows no drinking, then dinner at a local hot spot, and finally finishing with ‘bar-hopping’.

Lindsey and I both responded that we’d love to go to the class and to dinner, but because of our conditions and the cost of going bar-hopping in a large city, we were both going to end our night there. Lindsey called me and suggested that, since we weren’t going drinking, that we carpool down to the class and to dinner, and I agreed to go halves on the gas. The next day we saw Amy, said we were both looking forward to her bachelorette party, and joked a little about what was going on before moving on to wedding and baby talk. All was well for about two days, then I got a phone call from the girl running this party, I’ll call her Natalie.

Natalie did not know Lindsey and I were pregnant, but she thought it was great because “now we have designated drivers to get us home at the end of the night”. I explained as politely as I could that I had no intention of going out to the bars, and didn’t want to make the half-hour drive to come back out and pick everyone up. Natalie, apparently not hearing me in the slightest, then asked if there was any way I could borrow one of the large vans from where I work, and maybe get my hands on another one Lindsey could drive. At this point I explained again that I did not want to pay cover charges to get into bars I was not going to drink in, and that I did not have the energy to stay out all night waiting for the 4 a.m. closing time so I could drive a large group home. And that there’s no way for me to get one work van, let alone two, since work vans are supposed to be used only for, suprisingly enough, work.

Natalie then went off on me, calling me selfish, spoiled, entitled, and those are just the nicer insults. She hung up on me, and I thought she just needed a cooling down period. Not twenty minutes later there’s a note sent out to all the participants. According to this note the class the group is going to only allow so many participants, and that there was such an ‘overwhelming response’ to the party that we were over that number. So she was going to have to ask two of us to go on the ‘waiting list’ and if someone dropped out of the party we’d be welcome to come. It should be no shock that the two of us asked, in this mass e-mail, to step aside were Lindsey and myself.

Now, I know how many people she said were the max for this place. I also know that this isn’t the ‘limit’ for this kind of party, and for the class she’s planning she could double our number and still be under the limit, because I held a party in the exact same location a few months back and still have the literature that lists the max number of guests per each class. And the information is up on the net, so anyone who takes the time can look it up. It says we would be welcome to come to dinner, but she wants everyone to pre-pay for three rounds of drinks, and it would be $XX per head for everyone. Even the ‘non-drinkers’ since it’s only fair we ‘do our part’. No one was going to be able to go without paying the money in advance. So to go to the dinner I’d have to buy booze for everyone else at the party except Lindsey. I have no problem paying part of the bride’s share, but I don’t see why I should be covering drinks for anyone else.

Lindsey called me, very upset, and we both realized that we had been all but disinvited from this party. And now we’re not sure what to do. Amy is still very excited about this, and has talked to us once about it, and we weren’t sure what to say to her. Do we tell her the truth, which we can prove up to a point with the e-mail Natalie sent, or do we both pretend something came up and bow out without another word? Do we pay the new entrance fee for the dinner or should we just skip the whole thing? I won’t lie, I was looking forward to this and I’m very upset as well, but I don’t want to get Amy upset, since I’m sure she’d be horrified to hear of this going on.   0730-11

What a pickle the hostess has created!   Natalie has placed an enormous burden on you and other guests with expectations that cannot be met.   But I believe in people’s innate sense of justice and perception and it would not surprise me if this email gets back to Amy via another guest or there are others who back out based on their own refusal to fund everyone else’s drinking.

Accept that you’ve been disinvited by the incredibly ungracious, petty Natalie and if Amy brings up the topic of the bachelorette party, tell her, “I’m so sorry but it appears Lindsey and I will not be able to attend after all.”    If she asks why, you can tell her honestly that you were disinvited by the hostess.   But being the graciously devious person I am, I would promptly start planning an alternate  party to honor the bride on a different weekend.  Who says that there can only be one party hosted in honor of the bride, particularly when no gifts are expected?   Make it different (geez, dancing and drinking til you keel over is so overdone by everyone and their dog…boring) , invite everyone (including Natalie), expect no money from anyone and have fun!

{ 105 comments… read them below or add one }

pickles August 1, 2011 at 2:57 pm

I like AmyL’s suggestion–the bride definitely needs to know that Natalie is behaving badly. Believe me, if this is what N does to the bachelolerette party, wait until you see what she’ll do at the reception.

maggieprincess, I don’t think a wholesale indictment of all of America is called for.

Reply

bmyster August 1, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Pregnant or not, it is extremely rude to assume someone else will gladly take on a designated role (Designated Driver in this case) without asking them beforehand. Then, when they don’t agree to take on this unpaid job (which is what it is), they are disinvited from the bachelorette party.

Beyond this, it’s been proven that people who drive when tired are just as dangerous on the roads as someone who is drunk — and, at 4 AM, most non-night owl people would be very tired. I’m ignoring how pregnant women are probably far more tired, especially at that hour.

I think the OP should politely tell the bride, privately, what happened and why they were disinvited. I like the other posters’ suggestions of offering some celebration for the bride another time.

As for Natalie, it seems she must be a fine theater with all of the projecting she is doing. I can understand she wanted to have a drinking party, but why must it be bar hopping? If I wanted to drink (which is very rare), I’d much rather be at home, where I could just fall into my bed when I wanted to sleep.

Reply

jen a. August 1, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Um, I love JP’s and Margo’s idea – if Natalie really is going to hold onto her nasty behaviour than she’ll only be exposed as a brat, but if she regrets her actions (some people have really terrible tempers that peter out after a bit) it allows her to recuperate some grace and manners and move on. It also lets Amy know what happened, and provides a workable solution to the problem she created.

Reply

madame-mim August 1, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I think bowing out has the potential to generate drama and hurt feelings that could be averted. The story in Natalie’s mind then becomes “oh, well, OP and Lindsey cared more about themselves than Amy’s pending nuptials” and she’s off the hook for any self-reflection and free to plan her obnoxious party. The other guests might wonder what went on outside the e-mail thread or feel awkward about the outcome. Meanwhile, Amy’s unlikely to accept “oh, something just came up and we can’t make it” as a satisfactory explanation, and announcing that you’ve been disinvited could be a dicey move.

Because remember, Natalie didn’t technically disinvite anyone…she just tried to put the OP and Lindsey into a position where they got to look like selfish cheapskates in front of the other invitees if they didn’t take one for the team and beg off of the class or shell out for others’ cocktails. Since she chose to do this in a group e-mail, why not turn the tables on her, and put her in the position to back down from a lousy attitude and a bad party plan? I’m with Hollanda here: I bet that at least some of the other guests have their priorities straight, and should be provided a chance to participate in the conversation.

How about replying to the e-mail with the correct information and saying “guess what everybody, we’re in luck! We can all still go to the dance class; isn’t that awesome?” and maybe even “Let’s see…I will pre-pay the $2.50 for my 3 rounds of refillable ginger ale and kick in an extra $10 for the bride’s appletini”. If Lindsey and other people followed your lead, putting the focus solidly back on a bunch of girls enjoying one another’s company and pitching in whatever they’re comfortable with to show Amy the great time *she* wants to have- you’d potentially be able to turn the tide against Natalie’s bad plan, which has the potential to embitter Amy’s night whether you attend or not.

This might just turn out to be a win-win: the other guests are relieved not to have to kick in an unreasonable sum, the bride enjoys your company, you enjoy hers, and hopefully Natalie gets the point that others do not find your perspective unreasonable. Then, after the party, you can tell Amy about the e-mail if you still think Natalie hasn’t done a good enough job of revealing her immaturity without your help.

Reply

David August 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Natalie sounds like she wants to get drunk, and doesn’t want the responsibility of getting her own ride home afterwards.

If Amy would be horrified at what was happening, then let her know. Her name will be forever associated with the party.

Reply

acr August 1, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I’m not sure why people want to shield the bride. On her wedding day – I can see that. Maybe even during the rehearsal dinner. But in the planning stages of a batchelorette party? I also think that the OP she have a frank discussion with the bride about what’s going on. What person WOULDN’T want to know that their friends were being treated so badly?

“When a mass email goes out, and it says that some have been disinvited (or whatever crass comments are put forth), where does everyone else go? Is there no one there to stand up and say “hey, what are you thinking?” or “this isn’t right” –??”

Reading over Amy’s email, it seems very innocent if you don’t know what’s going on. If I didn’t know about the situation with the two pregnant ladies, I would assume that maybe the bride had a sudden expansion of the guest list (maybe somebody made a big fuss and they were invited to keep the peace) or maybe there was a mix-up at the venue. I admit, I’m not super-sensitive to social undercurrents like this, so I probably wouldn’t object, b/c I simply wouldn’t understand what was going on.

Reply

Miss Raven August 1, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Love JP’s ideas. I would definitely reply all and call Natalie out — politely — about the “max number” of attendees at the dance class. In the SAME email, I would mention that you and Lindsey are pregnant and won’t be drinking, and ask for a calculation for the price of your meal and a portion of Amy’s, without your liquor. Put it all out in the open so Natalie can’t continue to be a sneaky and manipulative brat, but make sure you do it as politely and innocently as possible.

I wouldn’t bow out at all and just accept being slighted. If Natalie wants to disinvite you, she’s going to have to come right out and say you are no longer invited and make sure it’s clear enough for anyone to see. Amy is your friend and wants you to be part of her celebration, and that is what matters.

Reply

Calliope August 1, 2011 at 3:59 pm

Speaking as a fellow exhausted pregnant woman, if I were the OP, I would definitely bow out; a late night at a bar sounds miserable enough without the three drink minimum, the expectations of designated driverhood, and the added insult from Natalie. I like the idea of an alternate party. Or maybe the OP and Lindsey could take Amy out for dinner or something.

Reply

Sharon August 1, 2011 at 4:00 pm

@ Gracie C… your math is making my head spin. If 10 guests pre-pay for 3 three drinks each, they would be served thirty drinks. They would then divide up those thirty drinks and get THREE each.

How can ten people pay for three drinks in advance and then be served thirty drinks each?

Reply

Sylvia August 1, 2011 at 4:02 pm

They ought to at least tell the bride before the event that they won’t be attending–I know I’d be hurt and/or worried if friends who had told me they were excited about such a party didn’t show up. Personally, I’d also want to know that the reason was the outrageous behavior of another friend.

Reply

Just Laura August 1, 2011 at 4:11 pm

I think the worst etiquette problem by far is when we just sit and let others treat people poorly–but hey, I guess that’s really what America has always done through history, hasn’t it?

You are right that this bystander behavior is egregious. However, I’m sorry that your American History teachers failed to teach you about those who have stood up for others in our past. Helen Hunt Jackson wrote in 1881 about the unfair treatment of the western Amerindian tribes in A Century of Dishonor. Upton Sinclair brought the plight of the working underclass in the meatpacking industry to public light. How many people (both men and women) fought with both pen and gun against the institution of slavery? In more recent history, “Jerry Wilske, a retired white professor, became sympathetic to the African-American cause when Marian Anderson, the world-famous contralto, had an engagement to perform in Redfield, S.D. It was the 1950s and because she was black, the town’s two motels wouldn’t rent her a room. Wilske’s parents were outraged. Jerry and brother Larry slept on the basement floor so Anderson could sleep in their room. Wilske said he never forgot that Anderson had to sleep in his tiny bedroom because of racism.”
Source for the last: http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2006-02-09-forum-whites_x.htm

Reply

Lucy August 1, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Don’t punish the bride for the appalling behavior of her friend. I’m sure Amy would be hurt if her other friends simply didn’t show up, so she ought to be told immediately what happened. This can be done without raking Natalie over he coals, too (not that I don’t think she earned it, but why stoop to her level?).

Reply

The Other Amber August 1, 2011 at 4:42 pm

I didn’t have a bachelorette party – thank goodness, I’m still kind of upset that my family surprised me with a shower I didn’t want and had specifically said I didn’t want.

Having said that, if I was having a bachelorette party – or any kind of party – and this kind of thing was going on I would want to know about it. Chances are very good that the OP and friend aren’t the only ones this hostess is being strong-handed with, especially given the tone of the email sent, and I would be afraid of her alienating even more of the bride’s friends by pulling these stunts. She has to be told.

Reply

Angeldrac August 1, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Can I just play devils advocate here, for a second, and please feel free to correct me:
1) I may have misread, but was Natalie ever actually told that OP and Amy are pregnant?
2) “not enough space” in the dance class is a a pretty random thing to come up with, as far a vindictive things Natalie could do. Are we quite sure that she’s really making it up?

Reply

AS August 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm

OP, you and your friend Lindsey are indeed in pickle!

I think hosting a bachelorette party or just a party in honor of Amy would be nice. But if it were me, I’d just make it the three of you, and maybe some other common friends. But it might be better to avoid inviting everyone in the other party because (1) it might seem like a passive-aggressive move; and (2) people like Natalie seem to be more trouble than worth it. You want to spend time with Amy before her wedding, and maybe meet some of your other old friends. Maybe you can tactfully let Amy know, but let her know that you’d like to spend some more time with her and meet her sometime and not stress about how to make everyone feel welcome in the party hosted by an immature Natalie.
If you and Lindsey can afford it, a spa/mani/pede followed by movie and/or lunch or dinner sounds like a great time. Which bride and MTBs would not like to take some time to pamper themselves?

Reply

AS August 1, 2011 at 4:59 pm

BTW (adding to my comment above), I hope Natalie is not incharge of organizing other events for the Bride. If she is, I feel very sorry for the Bride, Amy.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 1, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Everyone is supposed to pay for THREE ROUNDS of drinks? How many attendees are there? Times 3? That’s a lot of drinks.

If I were you, I’d go just to watch over the bride and your friends, and make sure no one dies of alcohol poisoining. Oh, yeah, and take a cab, because you won’t be safe to drive at that hour, if you’re pregnant, sober or not.

I’ve heard too many stories of people dying of alcohol poisoning during a bachelor/bachelorette party pub crawl.

And really, what’s the idea of a pub crawl, anyway? Paying cover charges at 3 or more bars? Why not just pick a good one and stay there? Once you’re drunk, you’re not going to appreciate the different atmosphere of a new place, anyway. Save on cover charges. And if the barkeeper cuts you off, that’s a GOOD thing. If you still want to stay and dance and drink, order virgin versions of your favorite drinks. Virgin strawberry daquiri is yummy!

Reply

starstruck August 1, 2011 at 5:24 pm

i guess because iam just an extremely direct kind of person, i would have to tell amy straight away. if i was getting married, i would want to know if one of my bridesmaids started treating people like this. that’s just me. and i think planning your own party seems a little over the top. its like, ill show you!!!! i ll have my own party!!!! i dont know, kinda high school. but i do think that you and lindsey and amy going to a nice lunch in amys honor or dinner somewhere special would be lots of fun and wouldnt be rubbing in anybody’s face. good luck though. i cant believe people actually act like this.

Reply

AS August 1, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Sorry for multiple posts, but I have a question. Natalie didn’t know that OP and Lindsey were pregnant, did she? ( Natalie did not know Lindsey and I were pregnant ). It does not condone her insistence that you should be designated drivers, but I was thinking that maybe if she knew that you were pregnant, she might stop insisting. She probably thought “OH! Great! OP and Lindsey don’t want to drink, so they can drive” (not that that is the best way of thinking; I don’t enjoy bars too much either, but neither do I enjoy driving drunk and possibly noisy and pukey people around in my car past midnight). But if she knew OP and Lindsey were pregnant, maybe she’ll at least see some reason. It might help to let her know that you are pregnant.

Reply

Sarah Jane August 1, 2011 at 6:01 pm

I would certainly tell Amy. Isn’t all of this supposed to be in her honor? I don’t think she’d want any of her friends “disinvited” over such stupidity.

Reply

etimodnar August 1, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Wow!

As a bride earlier this year, I would definitely want to know about my friends being treated that way. And I’d want to know at the time so I could do something about it. I get so frustrated at things I can’t change and having this in the past would be so bad! Letting the bride know in the present means there’s time to change things up and get Natalie told!

Reply

gramma dishes August 1, 2011 at 8:10 pm

AS ~~ You make a very valid point. Maybe she just thought they were going to be old stick-in-the-muds.

But the OP also says: “Lindsey and I both responded that we’d love to go to the class and to dinner, but because of our conditions and the cost of going bar-hopping in a large city, we were both going to end our night there.”

So I assumed that even though Natalie hadn’t known at the time she issued the invitations, she had been informed about their “conditions” in their response.

Reply

Gracie C. August 1, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Sharon – she didn’t say that everyone was paying for three drinks, but rather three rounds. Now she might not have meant it that way, but that’s what she said. When you buy a round of drinks that means you buy one drink for each person in your group – not just one for yourself. If there are ten people in your group and you buy 3 ROUNDS of drinks, you have now bought a total of 30 drinks – because at 3 different times you have bought ten people drinks. If all 10 people in the group buy (or pay for upfront) three rounds each, 300 drinks will have been prepaid. That’s the math. Or in Natalie’s case – she’ll have collected the equivalent of that much money. Now, perhaps the OP just wrote it wrong, or perhaps Natalie is vile enough to collect 3 rounds worth from each person, and pocket the rest at the end of the night.

Reply

Taylor August 1, 2011 at 9:16 pm

I don’t think being pregnant matters. If you don’t want to drink, you don’t want to drink, and you don’t need any reason other than that. As a long-time non-drinker (for health reasons), I’ve often had people attempt to finagle me into driving them home at an unholy hour of the night. It’s extremely frustrating to get a call that wakes you up at 3am that goes like this, “Hey! We’re out at X Bar and we’re sooooo wasted. Will you come pick us up? We don’t have money for a cab and we knew you’d be sober.”

I did it the first couple of times, and then someone vomited in my car, and the rides came to a stop. I got no thanks, no offers of compensation for gas, and no help cleaning the barf from my back seat (which I had to get professionally cleaned to get the smell and stains out).

For the record though, I have no problem being the DD when properly asked and informed ahead of time.

Just because someone chooses not to drink, doesn’t make them a personal taxi service for all of the people who do. Natalie shouldn’t need to be told that the OP and her friend are pregnant; she should respect the decisions of the other partygoers.

Reply

Jennifer August 1, 2011 at 9:17 pm

I was just “invited” to a bachelorette party where the Maid of Honor expected us to all show up in a far away city on New Year’s Eve (well before the wedding). Honestly, I made up an excuse not to go because I didn’t want to say I was too poor to make it (the truth).

Reply

Baglady August 1, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I think there’s some confusion about what a “round” is. I think of a round as drinks for everyone at the table, and that’s what some commenters are interpreting it as, too. But I think Natalie meant everyone pays for three drinks, not three rounds (so three rounds are bought, but each person pays for her own).

A party of 10, each person buying three rounds, means each person is buying 30 drinks! Times 10, that’s 300 drinks. Darn, why don’t I get invited to parties like that? ;-)

I’m on Team Tell Amy What’s Up. She needs to know. It’s not tattling; it’s telling the truth.

Reply

K August 2, 2011 at 12:28 am

Add me to the list of non-drinkers who are unimpressed at being press-ganged into the role of designated driver. Oh, and suddenly buying expensive alcoholic drinks for others is ‘doing our part’? Not likely.

The bride needs to know about Natalie’s little game yesterday, so that she can act on all the information. If one of my friends had pulled this stunt before my wedding, I would have wanted to know immediately, so that I could act to nip it in the bud and protect my real friends.

Reply

Lynne August 2, 2011 at 12:35 am

Team Tell Amy What’s Up! I like it. And I’m there, too. The sooner, the more direct, the more objective, the better.

Reply

Enna August 2, 2011 at 4:23 am

If Natalie is being this bad over the organisation of the party what on earth is she going to be like when she’s had a few? Was she swearing at you OP? Maybe it’s just too much for Amy to do! That just isn’t on. I do think this needs to be brought to Amy’s attention in a polite. gentle way. I’d be inclinded to forward the email on along with the details you know about the max number of people who can attend to everyone, including Amy and Natalie. Evil Enna would like to tell Natalie she is being the selfish one.

As for buying drinks – unless you and Lindsay can take a bottle of wine home form the restuant to save until you have had baby/finished breastfeeding and it is safe for you to drink then that is one solution – however if you don’t drink then why not say in an email “what do the tee-totalers do? Get an extra big pudding?”. But expecting you to go bar hopping? That is unreasonable. Maybe suggest doing something on a different day. I do think Amy needs to know that Natalie is being unreasonable, personally I would rather know the truth.

Reply

Enna August 2, 2011 at 5:18 am

I do get what what Taylor means by it doesn’t matter if the non-drinkers are pregnant or tee-total out of choice or due to medical reasons, however as a host I would much rather know if a female guest is pregnant just in case she feels a bit poorly due to her condition, the same way if someone is tee-total for a medical condition. Some people don’t drink on religious gounds which is fine or a moral principal. As a host I would respect whatever reason a guest has not to consume alcohol but knowing why may help me not to make a silly mistake e.g. pregnant women have to avoid certain foods, some religions who encourage/instruct tee-totalness may have certain food instructions e.g. Muslims don’t drink and don’t eat pork. (I am a vegitarian so the chances of me cooking pork is very very unlikely).

Taylor, I think those people who call you like that are just rude rude rude people. I drink but I wouldn’t call someone up unless my purse was stolen. I always make sure I have enough money for the taxi home.

Reply

Ista August 2, 2011 at 8:33 am

By “3 rounds” I think it does indeed mean three rounds for the group…
“So to go to the dinner I’d have to buy booze for everyone else at the party except Lindsey.”
Which is a Ridiculous amount of alcohol. Enough partygoers to fill two vans? Ridiculous with a capital R.
I’m also on Team Tell Amy. In a gentle way, something naive sounding like “I am so sorry I won’t be able to attend! Natalie said the dance class was too full. Of course we cannot drink, and I’m unable to book the transport vans for that night that Natalie requested, so we won’t be there. I hope you take plenty of pictures.” Let Amy think about it and figure out what’s going on based on what you’ve said and what Natalie has said. And definitely invite her to lunch, just the three of you.

Reply

SV August 2, 2011 at 10:14 am

The thing I think you should try to remember is this : You are not friends with Natalie. You are, however, friends with Amy, and want this to be a night of good memories for her. I would probably follow the suggestion of several other posters here- send a mass email ( since Natalie has already set this precedent) politely and enthusiastically saying that there has been a miscommunication, and there is enough room in the dance class after all. Checkyour facts though- you don’t want to end up looking like a fool. Then state that you and your other friend are pregnant and won’t be drinking any alcohol, but are happy to pitch in for the bride. This will do two things- first, it will prevent Natalie from insisting that you pay a portion for everyone else’s drinks and secondly ( and most importantly) it will let everyone else on the thread know that you are both pregnant. The others involved in this conversation do not have all the facts, and so undoubtedly do not understand what Natalie is trying to do. And if Natalie truly acted out of a fit of temper it will allow her to back down with good grace. You might also mention that you and your friend will not be going bar hopping, just in case someone else might get the wonderful idea that you would like to be the DD. Good luck!

Reply

Angel August 2, 2011 at 11:04 am

Enna, your guest should never have to give you a reason why they aren’t drinking. It isn’t your business. If they have other restrictions such as not eating pork, it is their responsibility to tell you that. You really do not need to know the reason.

Reply

Amanda August 2, 2011 at 11:07 am

I really like madame-mim’s suggestion. I would definitely copy (perhaps blind copy, though this seems a sneaky way of setting up Natalie to get busted should she try to lie to the bride about what is really going on) Amy on the response, though, and be sure to include a copy of Natalie’s original email. Maybe even mention Natalie’s request for the work vans by helpfully letting everyone know, “Regrettably I can’t honor the request to access my employer’s vans or act as designated driver for transportation, but I would be happy to provide information on reliable and reasonably priced car services.”

Reply

ferretrick August 2, 2011 at 11:24 am

@Taylor: I think I’d send the bill for the cleaning service to the vomiter. You won’t see the money, but just for the satisfaction.

I have the opposite story, but I fully recognize my own role in this. I’m not much of a drinker normally, and in college went to a bar with some friends (who, I will say played their part, including the DD, by buying me lots of drinks. But I still recognize I’m the one who drank them, my responsibility). I threw up in the designated driver’s car-I told him to pull over and I tried to get the door open and it just.would.NOT.open. and I tossed my cookies. Later on, I assumed I had been so drunk I just wasn’t in control of the door.

So the next morning, sobered up, I am horrified. I cannot apologize to my friend enough. I scrub his car clean, febreeze all the seats, etc., etc. AFTER I go through all this and apologize again, some more, my friend tells me that the reason I couldn’t get the door open was because he thought it would be funny to set the child proof lock.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 2, 2011 at 11:28 am

MaggiePrincess – While it is true that America did not join in fighting World War II until after Japan attacked us at Pearl Harbor, we did not wait to be attacked in World War I.

So many of our young men died, or were wounded, many maimed for life, fighting for the freedom of France. They were buried there, rather than back on their home soil, because the mass amount of death and carnage to American forces was too much to allow for shipment of all the bodies home.

But I guess that is still just standing by and letting others treat people poorly, huh?

And that is America *as a country*. Considering America as a group of individuals, there are even *more* examples of unselfish and courageous behavior, standing up for the rights of others.

Was it only blacks fighting for civil rights, marching with Rev. Martin Luter King? I seem to recall there were a whole lot of whites and other races, as well. Was it only women calling for women’s suffrage? I seem to recall there were some male feminists, as well. Where there no white men calling for better treatment of the Native Americans? Or did we just let them speak for themselves, not taking their part? What about all the work the abolitionists did. I guess Benjamin Franklin just sat on his hands with his mouth shut.

Your statement was both factually incorrect and uncalled for. The OP wrote about a particular situation with a few individuals. This wasn’t a political rally, and no one asked for sweeping statements about an entire country.

Reply

Riri August 2, 2011 at 1:01 pm

How rude of Natalie! Bride is obviously expecting OP and Lindsay, or they would not have been invited! She doesn’t know the situation, and it doesn’t take away from the party in any way of OP and Lindsay choose not to bar hop. Besides, aren’t pregnant women not supposed to drive at all? Nevermind being the free chauffeur.

Reply

Janos August 2, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I don’t see why the Op can’t sit down with the BTB and tell her “Your maid of Honor has disinvited us from your shower because we arn’t willing to stay out god knows how late into the night and be DD’s for her and your other bridesmaids, she also seems to be trying to press a lot of money out of them.. I thought you should know before she scares away your brides maids.”

Reply

Jamie August 2, 2011 at 4:11 pm

In my circle of friends the DD isn’t expected to pay covercharges. One of the drinkers pays his cover and everyone keeps him supplied with soda/coffee all night. It seems only fair since the DD is putting up with all the drunks’ antics. And people generally trade off who DDs, so it’s not the same person every time.

Reply

Cady August 2, 2011 at 8:43 pm

This probably isn’t the most polite thing to do, but I’d forward the email to Amy with a note telling her I’m sorry, but since the hostess has asked me to act as a “backup” guest for one part of the party and is expecting me to pay for booze while I’m pregnant at another part of the party, I will not be able to make it after all. I wouldn’t mention Natalie’s hissy fit over the DD thing or the vans, but I think the bride deserves to know when someone is being a total A-hole in her “honor.”

Reply

Ginger August 2, 2011 at 10:47 pm

I would definitely “out” Natalie to Amy. It’s NOT Natalie’s party…she doesn’t have the right to decide who is invited/disinvited and what will be paid. Some bride’s don’t want her girls to pay for everything…being part of a wedding party is expensive enough.

If I were the OP, I would reply to all and include Amy’s email address. I would say that since the “other girl and I were pregnant, we cannot go to the bars, but would love to come to the class and dinner. And since we definitely AREN’T going to drink, perhaps we can just put in money for the dinner.” Innocently ask “When I booked a party at the same location of the class, XX was the limit. Did they change their policy? In fact, I went on their website and XX is still the number. Isn’t it great that no one has to bow out of this awesome class and we can all be there for Amy, the bride?

What would Natalie respond to that? If Amy is on the mailing list, she can’t be mean. If she is, perhaps Amy will see what an awful friend she is and disinvite HER!

Reply

Marna August 3, 2011 at 4:58 am

I think the worst etiquette problem by far is when we just sit and let others treat people poorly–but hey, I guess that’s really what America has always done through history, hasn’t it?
–maggieprincess

Yes, that’s why so many American soldiers lost their lives in Europe during WWI and WWII. Sheesh.

Reply

Katy August 3, 2011 at 7:39 am

Hey, everyone, OP here.
Thanks to everyone for the support and suggestions. There have been a couple updates.
First, nature decided to take care of my decision to go to the dance class for me, in the form of a minor pregnancy complication. The baby and I are okay, but I was told that I need to keep off my feet, so I think that takes out the dance class.
Someone did, in fact, forward the e-mail to Amy. There was a mutiny of sorts when it came to the issue of drinks, most people thought three drinks with dinner was going to be too much, and several did a little math and realized they’d be subsidizing not just the bride’s drinks, but other peoples drinks as well if they didn’t drink the expensive stuff.
Amy is no fool, she read the e-mail and realized just what was going on, and confronted Natalie (Natalie is her sister, BTW, not just a friend). Apparently there had been some irritations between them that they were trying to keep between them regarding Natalie inviting some of her own friends that Amy didn’t know well, and Amy insisted that should two people sit out the class it be two of those people. She was a vague about the outcome, but from what I understand a third sister stepped in and reminded Natalie just who this party is for and who should be getting their way.
So Amy called both Lindsey and I and couldn’t apologize enough, even though we insisted she wasn’t the one who needed to apologize. I told her that I was going to have to bow out for medical reasons anyways, and suggested she, Lindsey, and I go to dinner and our favorite comedy club on another weekend, something my doctors probably wouldn’t object to. Amy loved it, and she, Lindsey and I shared a flurry of phone calls setting everything up. We never suggested an alternate party, just a good time out with friends.
However this morning I did get an e-mail. Amy has been dealing with disgrutled guests since Natalie’s e-mail went out, including a few people who knew about Lindsey and I and were concerned, and let slip to a few of them our alternate plans. This e-mail from Amy asked if we would mind if three of her closest friends accompanied us. So I guess it is turning into an alternate event. But I refuse to formalize it or send out information or anything because I don’t want to make it seem like I’m trying to play one-up or anything.
Thanks again!

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 3, 2011 at 9:47 am

Thanks, Katy, for the update. I was just about to write in and ask for an update. I’m glad it’s all working out, and I’m glad you and your baby are safe.

Reply

Merry Mrs August 3, 2011 at 10:51 am

I have to say I disagree slightly with Admin on this one. If Amy was not included in the “we have to disinvite” two guests she needs to be infromed. Natalie is acting in Amy’s name , I think OP is obligated to inform Amy. Even if it’s ” Amy I’m sorry to hear there will not be space for us at the spa. I must declind dinner I simply can not afford the new charge of XX to pay for 3 rounds of drinks for the group. ”

BTW with 2 “work vans” which I assume carry more people then mini-vans you’re talking about 16-24 people at least assuming OP and Linsdey were to drive everyone home. That’s not 30 drinks a person that 48-72. Honeslty I don’t even see someone who wants to drink pledgeing 50 drinks at the start of an evening, “everyone pitch in $20 -50 to cover Brides drinks , dinner ,cover charges and cab home” sure.

Reply

AS August 3, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Katy, thank you for the update. It sounds like Amy is a friend to be cherished, and she seems to have the spine to stand up to her sister. (BTW, I was wondering who Natalie was, because she seems too young and immature for being a good friend of the bride).

Dinner and comedy club sounds awesome! Have fun.

Glad you and your baby are safe.

Reply

Katy August 3, 2011 at 4:40 pm

One more thing, since I noticed drinks seemed to become an issue here. That was my fault, I worded it poorly, because that was how it was worded in the e-mail. Three drinks is three drinks per person, which at this restaurant run from $5- $12 per drink for the alcoholic stuff. Natalie was asking for enough to cover three of the expensive drinks each, plus a couple dollars more, supposedly for the brides drinks.
And with the work vans, well, Natalie told Amy she was trying to be nice. Yes, they are the larger vans, holding 12-15 passengers each. But they wouldn’t be full if I could get two. Lindsey lives more towards the south suburbs of our city, I live more towards the north, and Natalie’s justification for two was that it would be quicker for us to drop people off if we didn’t have to drive all the guests all over the city/suburbs. She doesn’t realize that, even if I could get the van for something like this (vans are occasionally ‘borrowed’ overnight to transport someone for a long visit, or occasionally to make sure a staff member who becomes ill get home safe, VERY rarely they are taken on trips but always with residents), vans borrowed overnight must be back by 7 am so they can be used for their intened purpose. So we’d have to make the trip back to my work before dawn to begin with, and there’s a good chance, given the spread of the guests, we wouldn’t be home until 6 or 7 in the morning. And that would probably have our doctors in fits, not to mention our doting husbands who are doing their best to assure safe, comfortable pregnancies.

Reply

Katy August 3, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Oh, and when we explained our ‘conditions’ we both told her about our pregnancies. So she didn’t know originally, but it was when she found out that she thought she had built-in designated drivers. And assuming that anyone who is pregnant is an automatic designated driver is another topic for another time, because I could go all day on how unbelievably annoying that is.

Reply

jen a. August 4, 2011 at 8:43 am

Thanks for the update, Katy! Glad to hear that you and baby are okay.

After reading one of your updates I cannot believe that Natalie thought it would be okay. Basically, she wanted you to pull an all-nighter and drive other drunk people around. How did the same family produce her and Amy? They sound like complete opposites.

Reply

blb August 4, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Sounds like N is a witch, deal with them all the time. I would let Amy know what is going on and say. Lindsey and you would like to take her out to the spa one day. It’s great for pregnant ladies (I loved it when I was pregnant, I mean a message on all those exhausted parts). You girls can go have a massages and go to a nice little lunch. Sounds like you might come out to the good depending on how much the drunken bridal party comes out to be. I did spa day for my bachorlette party and I LOVED it!!!! :)
If you don’t have the fund. Do spa day with just a mani and/or pedi. Still fun times, relaxing, quality time spent, and so much more fun than a drunken party.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: