The Faux Pas Writing On The Wall

by admin on August 10, 2011

I had been friends with a woman we will call Lisa for almost 17 years. Although she was not known for being the most polite of people. The last incident resulted in me distancing myself from her and eventually terminating the friendship.

Lisa was pregnant with her second child by an abusive husband. I was worried for her but she seemed confident and happy with her decision so I tried to show as much support as possible. Lisa threw herself a very extravagant baby shower (guests were mostly friends of her mother in law and a few co-workers) which I was not able to attend due to work (I was a divorced mother of two small children).

After the first baby shower, Lisa complained that there were “too many old people there”. I was a bit confused at this since she created the guest list herself and was in full control about who could and could not attend. Nevertheless she felt the need for a “girls night out shower”. I quickly set about putting this into motion.

I put together a small guest list (about 6- 8 people) because I did not want to re-invite people that were in attendance at the first baby shower, I thought that would look very greedy. Two of the guests were pregnant as well and I set about trying to find a fun but mild atmosphere where they would enjoy themselves. I settled on a cozy little restaurant with top rated food and a live jazz band but that was in a very nice part of town that would not attract a rowdy crowd. I also inquired about the food preferences of all the guests (numerous times) to ensure this restaurant offered something they would like. ( I know how funny the taste buds of pregnant women can be). The grand tally for what ended up being 4 people (two simply did not show, even though I had already paid for their food and drinks) was just shy of $700.00. I assumed the mommy–to–be would have a nice time….I was wrong.

The day of, was a barrage of complaints. Her husband dropped her off and she wanted to know why we were in the quiet side of town as opposed to the party area, although I sent her the extensive menu of things to choose from for our prix fix menu, all of a sudden she did not like the selection. When she finally made a choice, she complained that the portions were too small. She did not like the band. The music was too loud. The waiter irritated her. She wanted to know why the other guests did not show up. She didn’t like her gifts. At the end of an exasperating dinner, when her husband came back to pick her up, she complained that she just wanted to go home and do something fun. She gave a halfhearted “thanks guys” and drove off. I never received a Thank you card.

Needless to say, that friendship is over.

That the mother-to-be hosted her own shower was the writing on the wall that the OP either didn’t see or didn’t take seriously.    There is a saying among horse people that the horse that kills you has warned you first.  We should have a similar saying such as, “The Gimme Pig that eats you out of house and home while urping with ingratitude has warned you first.”     Looking for suggestions, readers.

Lisa sure is one unhappy person to be that miserable about other people’s generosity.

{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }

josie August 10, 2011 at 6:25 am

Hosting a $700 night out was an expensive lesson for sure.

Reply

MGB August 10, 2011 at 6:46 am

Never attend a baby shower organized by the person it is honoring. It isn’t a party at all. It is a pathetic cynical gift grab at best. The old rules are still the best, though apparently forgotten today. A baby shower is given only by a friend or friends of the mother to be. They are like bridal showers. No family member may host one. For the bridal ones no member of the bridal party may host one. Certainly, no honoree may host one. If no one steps up to host, there is no party. There are plenty of reasons not to attend if you find out the shower is bogus. And, the answer to, “What are you doing the 20th?” is, “Why?” Never, never, never answer, “Nothing!”

Reply

Chocobo August 10, 2011 at 7:42 am

You know, I’m really glad that over the past few years, particularly since my wedding, I’ve come to be more cognizant of what is and is not appropriate party behavior. A second-baby shower probably wouldn’t have phased me years ago, but now I see such things as major warning signs. Certainly there are people who accidentally throw themselves parties simply because they don’t know that it’s inappropriate, but for the most part such things are red flags to look out for. It helps me to avoid such situations as the poor OP has had to go through, thanklessly, in my own life.

With regard to the motto, how about: “The Pig that craps in the house has been let in first.”

Reply

MaryFran August 10, 2011 at 7:53 am

How about we shorten it to “The Gimme Pig that takes gross advantage of you has warned you first”?

Reply

GoTwins August 10, 2011 at 8:22 am

The mother-to-be not only hosted her own shower, it was for a SECOND baby! AAAAHHHH!
The red flags were waving furiously!

Reply

Just Laura August 10, 2011 at 8:23 am

I’m glad to read an OP who took matters into her own hands and ended a friendship, rather than simply carrying on and then writing in complaining about how Friend X is such a jerk, why does she treat me this way, yada yada yada. The OP sounds like a person who shows her friends a good evening. I invite the OP to come throw parties for me, as they are probably great, and I promise to send along a good Thank-You note.

Reply

Lizajane August 10, 2011 at 8:52 am

You could have just given her the $700.00. You would have spent the same amount of money but saved yourself alot of grief.

Reply

Xtina August 10, 2011 at 9:04 am

One phrase comes to mind–don’t feed the gimmee pigs.

Lisa threw herself a baby shower, the complained about the guests SHE invited, and then told the OP that she needed a girls’ night out shower (not just a girls night out, but an event that involved gifts being given to her). OP, I hate that she took advantage of your generosity and what sounds like a very nice party that you put a lot into planning, but I hope you learned from this experience.

As to Lisa’s abusive husband, I’d be more worried about that.

Reply

Etah August 10, 2011 at 9:08 am

Wait, you yourself said Lisa was known for being impolite and then were surprised when Lisa was impolite? You were friends with this woman for 17 years and never considered this possible outcome after Lisa’s reaction to the shower that -she planned-? Yes, she’s a troll, but it was really naïve of you to believe she we be any different because it was your party.

Also, am I the only one that finds it tacky that the OP listed how much she spent on the shower? Yes, it was a lot of money, but that shouldn’t matter in arguing your case. It’s unnecessary to your point and I would keep it out of future retellings.

Lastly, if you know the husband is abusive, take a stand and call someone in to investigate. That is no environment for children and Child Protective Services do investigate anonymous tips. The “It’s not my business” mentality was outdated 50 years ago. If you *know* a relationship is abusive, SPEAK UP! Many times the abused can’t or won’t do it themselves, and even though your friend may be willing to put up with her husband, the children shouldn’t have to.

Reply

Abs August 10, 2011 at 9:21 am

As a divorced mother of two how could you afford a $700.oo dollar shower. The OP went above and beyond for this person and the two who simply didnt show up. I think the OP is much better off without these gimme pigs around.

Reply

--Lia August 10, 2011 at 9:30 am

When you say she has an abusive husband, do you mean they don’t get along and fight frequently, or do you mean he beats her and she walks around with bruises? If it’s the latter, I urge you not to give up on the friendship altogether. I don’t care how unhappy and ungrateful she is, she does not deserve that. A man who will eventually beat his wife will start by putting her down so much she thinks she deserves the blows when they start to come. He’ll do everything he can to distance her from her friends until she has no one to turn to when she wants to get out.

On the other hand, if it’s the former, you and she don’t have much in common so it’s no big deal to let the friendship slide. It’s not the ingratitude; it’s that she likes to party in a rowdier way, and you like quiet good conversation. She feels burdened by having to take care of children. You feel blessed. She’ll eventually find a crowd of friends she prefers to hang with. You’ll do the same.

Reply

Cat August 10, 2011 at 9:53 am

There is no good deed that goes unpunished. My aunt comes to Florida every winter to escape the snow at home. She has lots of relatives here and loves it, but she has only a very small Social Security check and a relative who was allowing her to stay at an empty condo was charging her more than she could afford to pay. She was heart-broken to think she could not afford it for another year and would be snow-bound at home during the winter. She hated staying with relatives and living out of a suitcase. Her son could not buy a place for her; he didn’t have the money.
I was in a position to buy a lovely condo, furnish it with everything possible including food in the refrigerator and the pantry for two weeks. I thought it was a good investment because, by the time she was too old to travel, home prices would have stabilized and I could sell it. She stayed there for four months and then told me that she had decided not to come back to Florida ever again. She gave the food she had accumulated to a relative who cannot stand me and left.
Ask me if I will ever do anything for her again. Go on, ask me!

Reply

The Elf August 10, 2011 at 10:01 am

Wow. Just wow. I want to echo the other’s advice about the abuse: call the authorities.

I also wonder if this dictated the guest list of the first shower. OP said this party was mostly mother-in-law’s friends. I wonder if the pressure came from mother-in-law, reinforced by abusive husband. So Lisa invited them out of fear, ended up with a party she didn’t really want, and wanted something for just her. She may not have been in full control of that first shower!

It doesn’t excuse the behavior, especially at the end being so ungrateful, but it might explain why she threw a shower herself and wanted a girls night out shower.

Reply

DGS August 10, 2011 at 10:11 am

Agree with all the above posters that “Lisa”‘s gimme-pig warning bells were ringing loud and clear. A shower for a second baby thrown by the mother-to-be and followed by a demand for another girls’-night-out-shower (which is an oxymoron in intself – either you have a girls’ night out with the said girls, or you have a shower) screams greedy, gimme-me drama queen. But as some others have said, I’m concerned about the reference to an abusive husband. If this man humiliates, denigrates, physically and sexually assaults “Lisa”, please do not give up on her entirely and consider notifying the authorities, especially since there is already a child in the home, and Lisa is pregnant (which, statistically, makes her all the more vulnerable to even more abuse if she is already in an abusive situation).

Slightly off topic, but is it truly necessary to have baby showers (it’s nice, of course, but why is it such a cultural assumption that every pregnant woman must have a baby shower)? I’m currently 35 weeks along, and partially due to cultural restrictions (we’re Jewish, and there is some cultural paranoia about celebrating the baby before the baby is safely born), partially due to superstition left over from a previous late-term pregnancy loss and partially due to being aware that our financial situation is thankfully, quite stable and more secure than that of our friends and not wanting to impose on anyone, we have foregone registries and baby showers and have simply chosen to purchase the necessary baby-related items ourselves. Of course, once the baby is here, should a friend or family member give us a present for the baby, we’ll accept it gratefully and follow-up with a handwritten thank-you note, but I get annoyed by the widely spread assumption that a baby shower is essential. I have found that some friends have even gotten offended that I have graciously thanked them for the offer but declined the opportunity for a shower – like there was something wrong with me that I didn’t want to have one. To me, the expectation of a shower smacks of entitlement. I was surprised at the negative reactions that I received when I declined the opportunity to have one – am I in the wrong, E-hellions, or am I getting the flack simply because it’s an unusual decision?

Reply

Chocobo August 10, 2011 at 10:19 am

P.S. please do call the authorities if you think this man is abusive. I have neighbors who have some pretty awful drag-out fights that I can hear from where I am, and if it sounds bad I always call the authorities. I’d rather have someone embarrassed by the arrival of the cops, even figuring out that it must have been me who called (the police never say who calls, but sometimes one can figure it out by process of elimination), than to find out that someone’s been beaten or worse because it “wasn’t my business.”

Reply

Bint August 10, 2011 at 10:54 am

“As a divorced mother of two how could you afford a $700.oo dollar shower”

Her finances are none of your business! Good grief, talk about rude assumptions!

Reply

Lola August 10, 2011 at 11:22 am

@–Lia, I don’t think being a victim of spousal abuse justifies horrendous rudeness and numerous breaches of etiquette described here. OP doesn’t owe this woman anything other than perhaps looking up the number of a domestic violence hotline for her, if asked. It’s one thing for an abused person to withdraw from social contact (typical and understandable) but to in turn be abusive to the very friends who have her best interests at heart is not typical and not understandable. I have a suspicion that “Lisa” was a Gimme Pig long before she met her husband.

Reply

Justine August 10, 2011 at 11:30 am

A “girls night out” shower – that is a first. Never heard of that. And I have found that “old people” tend to be very loving and generous when it comes to gift giving.

Reply

Another Lisa August 10, 2011 at 11:40 am

“I quickly set about putting this into motion.”

WHY????

She already had her shower which, as you said, she had complete control over. If she didn’t like one that she planned herself, there was no way in heck she was going to like yours.

It’s good that you learned your lesson and distanced yourself from this person. She does sound miserable.

Reply

Lizajane August 10, 2011 at 11:58 am

MGB,

No member of the bridal party should host a bridal shower? I thought it was perfectly acceptable and usually understood that the maid of honor would organize a shower and the maids often helped. I’m in the US, where are you?

Reply

Kaora August 10, 2011 at 11:59 am

Special Snowflakes never melt? =)

Or “Gimme pigs give you warning.”

Reply

Katy August 10, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I’m seven and a half months preggo with number two, and I could use a night out with the girls like crazy. Right now even the hubby is starting to grate on my nerves.
But I’d have to kick my own behind if I thought that I was entitled ANOTHER shower because the one that I threw for myself was ‘lame’ or ‘boring’ or whatever. Well, not true, because I’d kick my own behind for even thinking of throwing myself any kind of shower, let alone a second-baby shower and I’d never let myself get to the point of asking for another one after that because I’d lock myself in the pits of e-Hell before even thinking about it.
Girls’ night out- not just an okay even, quite often a very much needed event. No big deal there, especially when one pays their own way and doesn’t impose on whoever is setting everything up.
‘Girl’s Night Shower’- the seventh circle of e-Hell. I’m surprised ANYONE went along with this catastrophe, let alone be willing to fork over around $100 a head for it.
And may I echo the concerns of people above and say that someone should call the authorities if the hubby is a known abuser? If you can’t do it for your ex-friends’ sake, do it for the children, who are going to experience it firsthand and may be scarred for life.

Reply

Hemi Halliwell August 10, 2011 at 12:02 pm

OP- Take everyone’s advice and call the authorities. If her husband is abusive to her, it will only be a matter of time before he starts abusing the children.
I’m surprised the abusive husband would allow her to have a girls night out shower! I think @The Elf is right- if the first shower was mostly mother-in-law’s friends, she might not have had a choice. It still does not excuse the behavior towards the OP and the other friends at the second shower. It sounds like OP planned a lovely night out and she wanted a rowdy teenager-like party.
A lady I work with is having a her third child; the first pregnancy was twins. She has had 4 baby showers for this child.

Reply

Sarah Jane August 10, 2011 at 12:10 pm

You mentioned that she was married to an abusive man. That tells me all I need to know with regard to her ability to make rational decisions.

I understand that you probably don’t want to hang out with her anymore, and I don’t blame you, but please determine how and if you can help her with her family situation, if you have not done so already.

Reply

ellesee August 10, 2011 at 1:20 pm

What an unthankful gimme. Lesson learned.

I’d just like to point out that even if she called the authorities, she would have to be the ones pressing charges. OP can call out of concern, but they won’t do anything unless Lisa is the one that holds her ground. Lots of times, women will change their minds because they don’t want to get any trouble (like getting beat up afterwards) or they think he will ‘change.’ If there are kids involved, and if he’s not hurting the kids, then there’s nothing they can do about it but investigate (and of course by then, husband will be on his ‘best behavior’ until they leave.)

Reply

starstruck August 10, 2011 at 1:21 pm

this is similar to what happened to me. i hosted a bacholorette party for my good friend. i took her and our friends to dinner, bought her drinks, even got a hotel per her request for us girls to stay in and put her fav drink in the fridge. she never said thank you even though i spent close to 800.00. to top it off her husbanfd to be, crashed the party and wouldnt leave the hotel so all of us girls who were married left. i didnt even stay at the hotel i paid for. oh and at dinner she left early to go outside and argue with hubby. people like this kinda burn ya on wanting to do nice things for asnyone else.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 10, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Elf, you’re probably right.

Cat – I’m sorry that happened to you. I don’t see any red flags in your story. Just a punch at the end. Too bad you didn’t rent the condo, instead of buy it. However, I suppose now you could rent it out. There are travel agencies that work with condo owners for time-share. You could rent it out year-round, in weekly increments. You’d have to hire a cleaning service to come between tenants, but you’d certainly make a profit from it. Then you can send a Thank You note to your aunt. “Dear Aunt Ungrateful, thank you so much for refusing the condo I bought for your use. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve rented it out to strangers who actually pay good money to stay there, and I have made all my money back, and more. Enjoy the snow! Love, Cat.”

Reply

Elle August 10, 2011 at 1:41 pm

I personally didn’t think there was anything wrong with her mentioning the dollar amount. That’s what she spent, what may be out of your budget may be in hers. There’s no reason to be so bitter and attack her for that. I do agree that she probably should have ended that friendship years ago. The girl is an ungrateful little piggie with the manners of a mosquito. And as far as the abuse, as a person who was friends with a woman that was abused, you have no idea how hard you may try to get them to leave or change they won’t do it until they are ready. All you can do is be there for them, which is what it seemed like she was trying to do.

Reply

Riri August 10, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Abusive husband? That doesn’t sound right at all :s Lisa was very rude, but no one deserves abuse. Sounds like someone (even if not the OP) should look into that, for the kids’ sakes at least.

Reply

The New Mrs K August 10, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Hello all,
I was the OP so I don’t know if I am allowed to answer, but I hope the moderator lets it though as I would like to respond to some very valid issues that were brought up.

Why I didn’t end the frienship sooner?- I have no valid reason for not ending the friendship earlier. It was a very sentimental friendship for me. We became friends when I was 11, I was the homeschooled geek with the plastic framed glasses and mouth full of braces, needless to say people werent exactly banging down my door to be my friend. But she didn’t care, she befriended me anyway and that held alot of weight with me for a long time. I felt guilty about not wanting to be her friend.

Why I spent so much on a shower?- To be honest I never knew about the second baby rule until I started following this site. And although I have never done so but I didnt know that it was in bad form to host your own shower. Beyond that I am the type of person that will set strict budget limits for my self but will go “all out” for the people I love.

How I afford it?- Thats was a bit of a rude statement, so I’ll leave it by saying some companies find that former geeks make good employees : )

The abuse- I can’t emphasize how I tried, I begged,pleaded and cried to get her to leave but she would not. I told her she could live with me. She would not. I talked to her mother and brother (who is a sharpshooter and a Marine), she refused to let them interveine (sp?) and threatened to call the cops on THEM if they tried. One one occasion, he was arrested for domestic violence but she dropped the charges. According to her, he went to anger management and thing had gotten better. All I could do was try to support her as a friend.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

How about “The only thing a Gimme Pig gives you is warning.”

Reply

Just Laura August 10, 2011 at 2:08 pm

To me, the expectation of a shower smacks of entitlement. I was surprised at the negative reactions that I received when I declined the opportunity to have one – am I in the wrong, E-hellions, or am I getting the flack simply because it’s an unusual decision?

DGS:
I know I speak for a minority here, but I declined a bridal shower for the same reasons. I have a graduate degree and have worked on my own, several states away from my family for years. At 29, I had no need to seek out additional items for my home, and felt bad expecting more gifts from friends and family who were already purchasing gifts for the wedding. That being said, I’ve never faulted someone for having a shower, unless it was their second or third. I simply don’t attend.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 10, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Nope. That won’t work. They also give you headaches, heartaches, and heavy bills.

Reply

Baku-chan August 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

It’s true that hosting your own shower is tacky, but it seems to be such a trend nowadays that most people seem to have no problem with it. It amazes me how many LWs on this site mention that they hosted their own shower or else attended a shower hosted by the guest of honor and don’t seem to find anything wrong with this. Kinda sad, actually. One more rule of etiquette slowly becoming obsolete. God help us all.

Reply

alli_wan August 10, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I’m sorry, my jaw is still sore from hitting the floor here. $700 to feed 8 people? For one meal? One casual meal that wasn’t at any sort of wedding reception type event?

Frankly, anything short of being named after the honored child to be would seem inadequate gratitude. On the other hand, having the sort of expectations that friends would foot a $700 bill for any kind of party, much less a hinted for, second shower for a second baby might be more the root of the problem here. Whatever happened to punch, cake and a bowl of chips? This is not the sort of occaision that merits that kind of outlay.

Reply

--Lia August 10, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Lola– I think we’re essentially in agreement. Let me explain myself. You’re right that the OP needn’t allow herself to be the sort of friend who lets herself be grossly taken advantage of and treated rudely. I qualified my statement to say that I hoped that the OP wouldn’t stop being a friend *altogether.* By that, I didn’t mean that they should hang out together regularly. I only meant that she shouldn’t turn away if (when) the abusive husband starts hitting her. Domestic abuse is a horrible and complicated situation. It’s not always easy to know what the right thing is for a friend to do. Sometimes you call the authorities, and the abused woman won’t press charges. The best experts in the field can’t always help. I’m only hoping that after 17 years, the OP doesn’t decide that her ex-friend was horrible about the shower (she was) and therefore she has an excuse not to help when Lisa has broken bones.

Reply

Cat August 10, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Wink-n-Smile, I did not rent it to start with because it was supposed to be a long term arrangement over several years. If I had known how it was going to turn out, I would have just given her the money to pay the other relative for his condo. When she told me she was never coming back, I did rent it to some very nice people who are saving up for a down payment so they can purchase it.

To show how bad karma can hit back, auntie did come back the next year but decided to stay with her brother and leave my place empty. She had a horrible accident in that she fell backwards down a flight of stairs, broke several bones, including her hip in two places, spent three months in ICU, and then two months in a nursing home and now she owes thousands of dollars in medical bills. I don’t need to send a note; everytime she tries to move she remembers that she didn’t need to be there in the first place. I bought a one floor condo because stairs can be dangerous for older folks.

Reply

Elizabeth August 10, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I am with DGS on questioning the ‘need’ for a shower (of any form). I was 25 when I married. I was a college graduate, fully-employed, and my husband and I bought our first home 6 months prior to the wedding. I declined the offer of a wedding shower. I view showers very traditionally: a very young woman, leaving her parents’ home and in need of household items. I was none of this. I just couldn’t rationalize holding my greedy hand out, just because I could.

Reply

Enna August 10, 2011 at 3:44 pm

@ Lia , Hemi and Sarah Jane – I think you are right – if the husband is abusive then maybe Lisa needs help and he might eventually stop her going out. With the first baby shower she may not have had much choice if the husband is mainuplaitve.

@ Bint, I think what the poster meant is, if the OP is a bit tight for funds then she should be a bit more careful in how she funded the outing, espcially if Lisa wasn’t such a good firend.

Reply

Iris August 10, 2011 at 4:25 pm

What about something like “If you ignore the grunting you get the gimme pig”? Or “Hear the grunting? Gimme pig coming”?

Meh, not really happy with either. Maybe someone can improve them.

Reply

Sarah Peart August 10, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I congratulate you, Cat, on not wanting to send the note suggested! At least I felt you did not – you are right that your aunt has suffered from her own “unique” behaviour!! Let it not stop you helping your fellow citizens – the world needs kind people!

Reply

June August 10, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Cat- Did you ask your aunt if she wanted the condo? I would hope she would have been part of the planning process for such a large purchase. As for the karma comment, I hope she had a history of bad behavior toward you. Otherwise, I don’t think she earned that.

To the main post: Maybe it’s because I’m from a small town, but that “second-second” shower seems a bit extravagant. I’d expect to have the ladies over, have some cake, watch chick flicks and call it a night. Yes, she was rude, but I agree there were plenty of red flags.

Reply

shari August 10, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I think people should give the OP slack about the amont of money that was spent, I think it was moreso to make a point that she thought enough of her friend to go to alot of trouble to organise something for her friend given her own circumstances.

Seventeen years is a long time to invest in a friendship, to me it’s a bit like wearing your heart on your sleeve in as much as you hope that your feelings/expectations are reciprocated and don’t abandon them because that’s what friends do.

I guess there also comes the point where you have to get rid of your sleeve ;)

Reply

Echo August 11, 2011 at 12:34 am

Cat, I don’t understand your story. Did you say, “Aunt, if I buy this house for you, you have to live there permanently?” or was it more like, “I’m thinking about buying a house. How would you like to live in it?” Because I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with someone moving, unless there was some explicit arrangement that you would buy this house specifically for your aunt. And regardless of the circumstances, I think your claims about karma are a little cold hearted.

Reply

Bint August 11, 2011 at 8:29 am

Enna – the OP doesn’t say she was strapped for cash. That was a huge assumption there – and the poster specifically asked how she could afford it as a divorced mother of two.

How she could afford it is nobody’s business. She never said she couldn’t. To question her finances when she didn’t mention them is very rude. To do so on the basis of her marital and parental status is *incredibly* rude.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 11, 2011 at 9:17 am

Cat, don’t you just love karma?

Reply

Wink-n-Smile August 11, 2011 at 9:20 am

As for a how a single mother of two can afford the shower, maybe she’s a single mother of two, who still needs to work to support herself and children, but is well-paid when she does. There’s a difference between being financially independent and being financially stable, after all.

And a single mother of two, who works to provide for them, may have money, but not TIME. And time is definitely an issue when it comes to accepting shower invitations.

Reply

Cat August 11, 2011 at 9:52 am

Sorry, Echo. I did not give enough information. Aunt told me that she asked her son to buy a condo so she could stay there in the winters. He could not afford it. I told her I would buy one and pay all her expenses every winter (she has a house in a northern state for the summers) if she would agree to stay in it every winter. I made it clear I would not buy it if she was not going to stay in it as I had no intention of buying one otherwise. She could always stay with me every winter but she did not want to-she wanted a place of her very own. She went with me to see the condos. There was an explicit arrangement that this was done only because she wanted it.

She came back the next winter, asked me to spend a couple of thousand dollars more getting things she wanted for it even after I had put in everything I could think of, and , after living in it for four months, she announced that she had decided not to return to Florida ever again. No reason, just decided against it. Then she decided that she would come back but would not stay in the condo.

If I sound cold-hearted, it is because I don’t like liars. If I make an agreement, I keep it. If I give my word, I keep it. I don’t take advantage of people by lying to them and then laughing in their faces about how stupid they are to have believed me.

Reply

maggieprincess August 12, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I find it interesting that OP needs to tell us she spent $700 on 4 (maybe 6) people when it is completely besides the point, but then no one here is suppose to be allowed to comment on that? Why mention it if it doesn’t belong in the story? Many folks leave etiquette stories here, telling us how much money they spent on something –as if the more money they spend, the more they have been etiquettely-insulted. Doesn’t matter if you spent $70 bucks or $700 bucks, an insult is an insult, but maybe you are creating you own faux pas by telling us how much you spent?

Reply

Echo August 13, 2011 at 7:31 am

Cat – Thanks for the extra info. That’s definitely not cool of your aunt. I still don’t think that being injured is appropriate karma, but I certainly understand why you were upset.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: