Maid of Horror #3

by admin on June 24, 2009

 My fiance and I have been together for a long time. We have had to keep postponing our wedding plans for many different reasons ranging from financial, legal, to employment situations over the years.  Finally we get a chance to set a date and move forward with our wedding plans. I pick a date, a location, and Maid-of-honor (my sister) . I am thinking, “Great! Now I have someone who will cheerfully help me with everything. ” (WRONG!)  I never knew how selfish my sister was til now. And talk about lazy! I am less than one month away from my wedding day, and have little accomplished.

In the beginning my MOH seemed excited about the wedding, and was eager to help. This I found out later was her “all talk no show” routine.  During the entire time my fiance and I had started the planning, she has made ONE trip to my house to help make preparations.  She lives less than an hour away, has no responsibilities, no job, no kids, no school or classes. She has all the time in the world to do whatever she likes.  All I ask is one or two days out of the month to help me out. I even let her pick her own dress, which I offered to pay for, as long as it was in a shade of purple. Any shade. (She got my mother to buy her one, in black, and went without me when she knew I was at work)
I have asked her to help make a song list about 3 months ago, so far nothing.  I asked her to call around for a DJ…..nothing.  I asked her to help me pick out invitations, she was too busy. I had to outsource on those and ended up getting screwed.  My Dj backed out at the last minute and I can’t get her to help me find another one.
    
I asked her if she would help out with the reception. I am doing a buffet style cocktail/appetizer reception. She showed her distaste saying she didn’t want to serve food, drinks or clean up in her new (black) dress.  Said she would be bored, and wanted to spend the evening with her bf/new fiance.
    
I asked her if she would mind then, keeping and eye on the guest book/ gift table. She declined that too, because she didn’t want to sit alone at the gift table babysitting them. She wanted to participate in the festivities.
I am now less than 4 weeks away from the wedding, and I am on the verge of tears. My sister/MOH almost refuses to help with anything. She will not help with the flowers, decorations, favors,  or even help with the bridal shower or bachelorette party.  Every time I call to ask her for help, she is wishy-washy and flaky. My fiance is a doll. He went and recruited some lady friends to help me.  I have a friend who has volunteered to host the bridal/bachelorette party at her house.
Oh, and to top it off, my sister got engaged a month before our upcoming wedding. So now on top of being absent from her MOH duties, she is “too busy” planning her own wedding to help with mine. Again I have less than 4 weeks til my big day.  
I asked if she could come over a few days before the wedding to help out with last minute things that may come up. She doesn’t want spend that many days away from home. 
    
My MOH has declined many other invites because she was scouting out locations for her lavish themed wedding. She couldn’t help me this week with my decorations because she was shopping for her decorations. She even declined coming out this weekend to check out the new landscaping at our venue.
    
The time that she did come out, she was 2 hours late, and still had to get dressed and do her make-up before we could go shopping,  Then when we got back she stayed on the computer the rest of the night until her fiance came to pick her up.
 
To make my planning even more hectic, about 2 months ago, my fiance was in a serious accident and is currently in a wheelchair. My MOH is not the least bit sympathetic. At all.  10-06-08

Everything I have done by myself.  From the menu to the music to the rentals and decorations. 

You were one month away from your wedding and had “nothing accomplished”?  Just what exactly were you expecting your sister/MOH to actually do, plan the whole wedding?  That is your job, first and foremost.   Of all the wedding attendants, it seems that there is a much greater expectation placed on Maids of Honor to be wedding planning assistants, the bride’s right hand man, the gofer who does it all.  I believe this is unrealistic to expect on people’s time.  You are the bride, you plan your wedding in such a way as to not place expectations on others to do all sorts of volunteer, free labor. 

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Erica June 24, 2009 at 8:03 am

People like you drive me nuts. You got married, you want a party – YOU do the work. Too much for you to do? Have a smaller wedding, or hire a wedding planner.

It’s a Maid of Honor. Honor being the key term. You are honoring her, not getting free labor.

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Kai June 24, 2009 at 3:06 pm

I would be really hurt if my sister asked me to be her MOH and then expected me to either serve food at the reception or guard the gift table.

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Jess June 24, 2009 at 7:06 pm

You and your fiance are supposed to do it by yourselves. It is YOUR wedding. The only thing your sister did that was inappropriate was choose a black dress when you asked for purple.

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Another Jess June 25, 2009 at 7:11 pm

I think there are two wrongs here — firstly, I agree that it is rather unfair and rude to ask one’s sister and Maid of Honor to do things like guard gifts or serve food.

On the other hand, it also seems that the MOH is completely unwilling to help at all. While BM’s cannot be expected to do everything, it is very impolite for her to offer to help, or to reject outright pleas for help.

As a sister, I would certainly know my boundaries when it came to asking for help, but I would also be doing everything I could to help my own family in events as difficult to plan as weddings.

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Amy June 26, 2009 at 4:10 pm

She’s your sister. As in, you’ve known her your entire life. WHAT did you THINK was going to happen?

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magdalena June 29, 2009 at 9:16 am

Your sister was not very nice at all. Getting a black dress when you requested purple, not organizing any pre-wedding activities for you (I gather that’s typically something a MOH would do in the US, it is something we do here in Europe) and not showing any real interest in any of the plans.

BUT: you wanted for MOH to pick a DJ? To take care of serving food/guest book/gift table?

I just was the MOH at my best friends wedding this year. What did I do?
I helped her pick a dress.
I helped with crafts, once.
I organized a bachelorette party.
I went with her, her DF and my hubby (the bestman) to pick the menu for the reception
I made sure she ate and drank during the morning before the ceremony and helped her get dressed (she also helped me get dressed!)
I organized programme for the reception.

She was my MOH 3 years ago and did pretty much the same for me, and it somehow seems that we’re both more than happy with each other :)

A MOH is not a wedding planner.

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Alexis July 6, 2009 at 1:06 pm

A month before the wedding you have nothing accomplished and you have the nerve to call your sister ‘selfish and lazy’?!? You wanted her to serve the food and guard the gifts?!? I think I understand her hostility towards you. ‘Everything from menu to rentals to the music to the decorations’ was done by you? So? Who did you expect would plan your wedding? And where was FH in all of this anyway? Why the hostility towards your sister and not your fiance who apparently was as ‘selfish and lazy’ as you are?
The definition of ‘maid’ in the term ‘maid of honor’ is a young girl or woman. It does not mean ‘servant’. Originally, a group of similarly dressed unmarried women would surround the bride on her wedding day to fool the evil spirits.
Frankly, you sound like a spoiled brat. I’m suprised you’re old enough to get married. You don’t sound like it.

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ravjav July 7, 2009 at 4:50 pm

I planned my entire wedding – did not expect any of my maids or MOH to help me, and I was working full time.

I don’t understand women who expect their MOH’s and bridesmaids to do the wedding planning and grunt work for them. ITS NOT THEIR JOB! These “positions” are mostly ceremonial positions of honor, they are not your slaves for a year or so while you get to act like queen of the world. If you have so little done after all this time, what the heck were YOU doing?

I were your sister, I would have been horribly insulted if I was asked to “help out at the reception.” You hire servers for that.

If you can’t plan the wedding on your own, hire a planner. If you can’t afford to have a reception where your guests are treated as guests, have a smaller, less complicated and expensive wedding.

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Skippy July 8, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I hope your fiance will be better soon.

It sounds as if you were overwhelmed and hoped your sister could help you more. Her dress choice was unacceptable to say the least, but I don’t understand the angry reaction to some of your requests.

But, lemmings are lemmings.

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Vicki July 14, 2009 at 9:23 pm

Are you serious? At what point did you decide “maid of honor” equalled “slave labor”? Granted, your sister could have been a little bit helpful – but the list of things that Magdalena gave above sounds about right for a typical MOH. However – I would have found a new MOH right about the time my sister disregarded my instructions as far as the color of her dress – especially when the color was the ONLY restriction.

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Ling October 21, 2009 at 7:36 am

We don’t really have MOHs here so I might be wrong, but isn’t she someone who holds the bouquet while you say your vows, helps you dress, and first and foremost shares the day with you? Not unpaid slave labor a year before the event.
Didn’t you realize at an early stage that your sister did not meet your expectations on a MOH? If you needed so much done, maybe you should have had several slaves?

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Charles Dexter Ward December 26, 2009 at 4:51 pm

The MOH at my wedding was in another state until 3 days before the wedding. She did nothing but assist the bride on the day before & day of. And you know something, that was fine. Nobody complained because it wasn’t her job to plan and execute the wedding. It was a lovely wedding. I’ve never been to a wedding where the MOH was one of the food servers or even minded the guest book. Food servers are paid or volunteers (perhaps as a gift), they shouldn’t be commandeered.

I’m sorry about your husband’s disability, I hope it’s only temporary. But the only thing about your story that makes her a “maid of horror” is the black dress. Your mother should have vetoed that dress, if she was the one paying for it. More of the blame goes to her for actually going through with the transaction.

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livvy April 29, 2010 at 10:13 am

I’m very thankful that I was completely ignorant of what my MOH was “supposed” to do. I didn’t expect anything of her than to show up at the rehearsal & wedding, since I wanted her there as my best friend. As a result, I was delighted and surprised when she threw me and DH an engagement party as our gift, and overwhelmed when she wanted to throw me a shower as well. Her biggest present to me was, as always, her company and friendship.

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Miranda July 7, 2010 at 11:17 am

I think I must have missed the part where you offered to pay your sister for all the tasks you wanted her to do for your wedding as clearly you were looking for a wedding planner and not a MOH. I agree with every previous poster that the fault here is your inflated expectations and not your MOH’s actions. Although she was in the wrong to buy the black dress I wonder if maybe that wasn’t an attempt to get you to kick her out of the wedding so she could avoid the “honour” you were attempting to bestow upon her.

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Dazee October 1, 2010 at 5:16 pm

I’m sorry. I disagree with most of you. There is nothing wrong with wanting your sister and MOH to help you plan your wedding, especially if it was discussed before hand.. and honestly, it is have expected that the MOH helps with the wedding at least to some degree and doesn’t just show up and go home. I never see anything where the bride expected her to do ALL these things, she’s asking her to help with ANYTHING. “Would you be able to find a DJ? No? oh, well, could you help me make a song list? No? oh.. could you help me pick out invitations? No? Could you help out at all? No?..” I see MOH as it being an honor to be one as well, and she really doesn’t seem to be honored. The MOH/sister has agreed to do NOTHING other then be there for the wedding and to take part of the festivities, that sounds like a guest to me, not someone in the wedding party.

She also doesn’t have ‘nothing’ accomplished, but there are a lot of things that fell through and she’s looking for some help.. Is there something wrong with that? Are people allowed to be in over their heads? Just because you planned your wedding all by yourself that gives you the right to tell people that they have to do it on their own just because they did?

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PO'd reader November 5, 2010 at 1:25 am

Wow I must’ve been the slave labor then that all these selfish BRIDEZILLA’s expect. Sorry but if FAMILY can’t help out at the wedding they need to go away. I went to a wedding a little over two years ago and have stories about that for various areas here from ‘his family’ to ‘her family’ and in my opinion she was a perfect bride. Everyone was supposed to bring food and they agreed to bring food but being selfish and not saying anything until the day of the wedding left the GROOM having to go to the store to buy cold cuts and cheese. All they had to do was order some deli platters or mention it before hand that they couldn’t. It was held at their church but do you think they helped hell no. I have back problems and was there in heels to look nice with the dress helping set out the food. They didn’t mind scarfing it down before bride/groom got to the reception after pictures including stuff they requested specifically for the reception. If MOG hadn’t told me they wouldn’t have had any of the stuff I put away. I’ve gotten to know the bride through FB pretty well and I’m bff’s with her sil but her family is something else. Bridezilla’s who have to control everything deserve to be put in their places. If a MOH can’t do anything because she has to steal thunder as what happened at the wedding I attended (pregnant and mob dotes on her more than the bride of all days) then they should burn in ettiquette hell.

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Pickle November 8, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Imagine my horror at reading this story only to discover that I was the one being written about! First of all, about the black dress, I searched and searched not only online but in EVERY STORE in the 2 different malls in our area for a purple dress and could not find one that would fit me! The only purple dresses were for little girls! I told my sister about this BEFORE buying any other dress! Her response? “Well, if you can’t find something in purple I guess black would be ok.” SHE KNEW ABOUT THE BLACK DRESS!!! It was HER suggestion! The flower girl was dressed in black as well, should we all condemn the 5 year old to E-hell too?
I was unemployed during the wedding planning. It may have seemed to the outsider like I “had all the time in the world” But I didn’t. I was looking for employment!!! She lives 45 minutes away from me depending on traffic, (sometimes over an hour!) and she expected my (then) fiancee to take off at his job to drive me out there. I did not have a car of my own. I had no money to buy one. I had no money to throw her a party with. She was aware of this when she asked me to be the MOH.
I am sorry my sister was upset that I got engaged a month before her wedding. I did not choose the date my husband was to propose to me, so I don’t see how I am at fault here. Yes, I discussed some ideas for my wedding when I talked to her and she SEEMED happy to talk with me about it. I guess I was wrong.
I never declined to serve food or watch the gift table.I don’t recall that ever being asked of me. I worked my ass off for her during that wedding! I literally threw my back out moving tables for her! Tables that someone twice my size should have been moving! I spent an entire weekend decorating and undecorating. My fiancee did her photography as a gift to her since they couldn’t afford one. We both worked for 2 weeks afterward photoshopping and resizing the photos. I put together 3 (count them) 3 song lists to choose from. None of them were played at the wedding.
Her husband that was in the accident? He was drunk and went for a motorcycle ride and wanted to take her with him. The only reason she wasn’t on the bike that night is because I talked her out of it! And I get called selfish and lazy as a thank you! He is an alcoholic and has put her life in danger MANY times through out the years. (he is no “doll” trust me) She had to plan the wedding by herself because he was spending all of HER money at the bar! (did I mention he was unemployed too?)
For the record I was very much against this wedding. I told my sis of my disapproval but left it at that. She’s a big girl and can make her own decisions. But I did not in any way do anything to sabotage this day for her. Very much the opposite in fact. I offered many times to go shopping with her. She always wanted me to come over and stay the night at thier house so we could go shopping in their town. That was not acceptable to me because of her fiancee. He is a mean drunk, and he is drunk a lot. My therapist that I was seeing at the time advised me to stay away from him if at all possible because of the things he has said and done to me. I explained this to my sister but she doesn’t want to see that man for what he is. It’s all my fault that he won’t stand up and be a decent human being, I guess.
I am very upset and angry about this. I’m also very upset at all of the commenters who judged me without even knowing my side of the story. And for the record, I waited a year and a half from her wedding to have my wedding as to not overshadow hers. And for everything I’ve done I get to be “Maid of Horror #3″. Awesome.

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Shayna November 8, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Good heavens! I had a feeling there was MUCH more to this story than met the eye.

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Simone November 9, 2010 at 12:12 am

@ Pickle – I would feel upset and angry in your position as well. It sounds as though you and your sister have some issues to work through.

Please be aware that the commenters here were not judging you, they were commenting on a (as it turns out) fictitious story. And the vast majority of them agreed that the lengthy list of requests was unreasonable. Most of the commenters who critisised the fictitious ‘maid of horror’ critisised her for things which IF THEY WERE TRUE would be problems, eg the black dress which you have explained.

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Princesssimmi November 9, 2010 at 8:03 am

Wow! Thank you for defending yourself, Pickle. I honestly hope that in time you and your sister can work on re-creating a loving and caring relationship. However, I will completely understand if you can’t.

You should not be on here under Maid of Horror. I apologise for any part I have played in judging you or upsetting you in any way.

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Pickle November 9, 2010 at 8:49 am

After sleeping on it, I realized that airing our dirty laundry in a public forum probably wasn’t the most considerate thing for me to do. I apologize for creating more drama. I was just shocked and hurt because I thought I did an ok job as MOH, or at least no one told me that I didn’t before! It was kind of harsh to find out on here what she really thought of me. I typed a response before thinking about the consequences. =(
If I thought a MOH intentionally bought a black dress against the brides wishes, I would think the MOH was in the wrong too.
The wedding turned out beautiful, despite some set backs.

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CherryBlossom November 9, 2010 at 9:43 am

@ Pickle ~ I feel for you dear, I do. For the record I always thought your sister sounded weirdly demanding – I mean before your explanation of the black dress her reaction didn’t seem all that unreasonable, but things like being upset that you wouldn’t mind the tables or the guest book? Seriously? What MOH sits off in a corner with the guest book? How are you supposed to give a toast while dishing out pasta salad to people you barely know?

I’m sorry that finding this post was such a rude shock for you, I’d be upset too.

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Jillybean November 9, 2010 at 10:16 am

@ Pickle – I hadn’t seen this story until today, but don’t fret. I was on your side from, “Great! Now I have someone who will cheerfully help me with everything. ” Something about that sentence struck me as an overly sunny way of saying, “Excellent, my slave has been selected.”

But, I tried to read the rest with an open mind and nope, still on your side. This: “… has no responsibilities, no job, no kids, no school or classes. She has all the time in the world to do whatever she likes.” struck me as not very likely as I have never known a single person who has ZERO responsibilities in life. It came across as, “she has no responsibilities that I deem important enough to trump MY wedding planning!”

And by the time I got to this, “She even declined coming out this weekend to check out the new landscaping at our venue.” I was literally just laughing at your sister gall. Really? She really thought you should make a special trip to check out the landscaping?!?

Anyway, I’m actually sorry to hear of her situation, and hope that either her husband gets help or she eventually gets out. And I’m sure, as her sister, it is difficult for you to watch. Best to you!

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Mother of a Bride November 9, 2010 at 12:53 pm

Wow! Pickle is indeed proof that there are at least 2 sides to every story.

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Chelsey November 15, 2010 at 11:07 am

@Pickle:
Like Jellybean, I felt a little suspicious when your sister mentioned that you had no responsibilities. I may be biased, though, because I currently have no job (I’m LOOKING for one and also trying to get into grad school at the same time–I finished my BA last May). I’m often judged the same way by my husband’s friends (who are all working on their PhDs) and my own brother. I have to say, I agree with everyone who said that the OP should have been handling these decisions herself since it’s HER wedding. And then I read your side. Now all I have to say is that the admin should DEFINITELY consider using this as an example that all stories do, indeed, have two sides (it almost seemed like she was considering that, though).

It also seemed strange to me that the OP was sitting at her computer, a month before a wedding for which nothing had been accomplished (or so she said), complaining about her sister/MOH. You would have thought she’d be using that time constructively. This should also be an example of why you should wait until AFTER your wedding to emailed EHell. Maybe she has a different perspective of it now that the planning is over and the Bridezilla-ness had (hopefully) worn off. Weddings do tend to make people crazy.

Thank you, Pickle, for telling us your side of the story.

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