Buddy, Can You Spare A Dime So I Can Adopt?

by admin on January 11, 2012

I received this via Facebook messaging from a couple we’ve had little to no contact with for a few years:

We hope this letter finds you well. As you may already know, we packed the births of our 3 children into only 3 and-a-half years; yes we are crazy – and a bit fond of each other! God has blessed us with a wonderful family, a home filled with love, laughter, NOISE and one empty seat at the dinner table.

We intend to fill that empty seat by adding one more little girl to our brood through adoption. Why pile on to our loud, crazy home?

There are a few reasons…God calls us to “look after, care for, speak up for, defend, and ensure justice…for orphans, widows, those in distress; all who are destitute, defenseless, being crushed, poor, needy, helpless.” James 1:27, Proverbs 31:8-9

Prior to ever being married, both of us had the desire to adopt a child some day; now is the time to fulfill this longing. We consider it a privilege to participate in something so special and invite (beg?) you to assist us in bringing a little girl into our home. She will show up in the traditional way – screaming, messy, cord cutting. However, she won’t come with health insurance to cover the cost of delivery! This is downright expensive and we’d appreciate any financial support and prayers you’d be willing to offer.

Thanks for being a part of this incredible experience.

Am I reading this right? “Hi – we want to have another baby, and we’d like you to help pay for it.” What they want to do is admirable, but I feel asking us (and other Facebook friends) to help finance it crossed the line.  1208-11

It’s one thing to tell your family of your wishes and desires to adopt more children so they can rally together to pool resources to make it happen.   But when you cast the net farther to include acquaintances, that has crossed the line into public begging.

I have an issue with people using God as the excuse or the author of their begging as this adds a “spiritual gravitas” (God is on *my* side) element to it that has the appearance of manipulation.  I have an even bigger issue with people claiming to be doing God’s bidding and then blaming Him when there are negative consequences to their actions.    I am delighted that someone can feel led to obey his/her conscience or follow what they feel is God’s calling but it’s their path to travel, not everyone else’s.  If one truly believes God has told you to adopt children, He will provide the means for you to do that without becoming a public beggar and that “means” may be that you have to scrimp, save and become a frugalista for several years to save the necessary money.   If you want something bad enough, you’ll figure out a way to earn it yourself without relying on others to make your dreams come true.

And this leads the inevitable question of, “If they cannot afford to bring the baby into the world, how will they afford to care for it over the years?”   If they do not have the discipline now to save for the future adoption of a child, what evidence is there that they will save for the child’s future needs once he/she is a family member?

 

{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer January 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

I have three siblings but – you really don’t need four kids. If they had three shouldn’t they let a healthy baby girl be adopted by a couple who has none or only one child?

My grandfather helped my aunt and uncle adopt their daughter – but it was because they couldn’t have any kids of their own. And they didn’t ask, he volunteered.

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Cat January 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm

This reminds me of the day in which I left the local grocery store and a child’s voice called out, “Hey! You want to send me to camp?” When I turned around, I found that the voice belonged to a little girl who was lounging in a folding chair. She seemed to think that yelling at shoppers was the way to finance her trip to summer camp. Her Mom sat there beaming at her child’s behavior.

I resisted the urge to say, “Only if you promise not to come back!” and simply replied, “No.” She didn’t even have the courtesy to come up to me to beg. Sitting and shouting was as much as she felt inclined to do. I rather think it was her Mother’s idea, but I would have been more impressed if she had offered to wash my car or mow my lawn.

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Ellen CA January 11, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I bristle at the comments that imply they should adopt an older or special needs child, because it’s none of anybody’s business how a family chooses to grow. In this case they put themselves out there for scrutiny by asking for financial support, however, they didn’t ask for anyone’s input on the decision they had certainly already made.

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Cindy January 11, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I think her use of the word “delivery” is meant more as a means of delivering the child to her (adoption fees), not the actual birth. That being said, if she can’t pay the fees on her own, then maybe she shouldn’t be doing it. My husband and I have said for years that if we ever came into some money, we would like to adopt a child. The thought of asking for the money from people we barely know never entered our minds. Hmmmmm…..

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L.J. January 11, 2012 at 7:27 pm

If they really want to help children, they could become foster parents. Once their own three children are a few years older, that is. It’s a win=win situation, because they’d make money from the foster system and the infant could go to a couple that doesn’t have any children.

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Lily G January 11, 2012 at 8:23 pm

You’ve got to be kidding. I think Just Laura hit it right on the head.

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Holly January 11, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Having adopted 3 older children, I felt the need to chime in here. Adopting an older child is not for everyone, and DEFINITELY NOT for someone that has 3 children under the age of 4. Older kids come with having experienced much turmoil in their earlier years, and need a very structured and focused type of household in order to heal. I can see no way how the family posted about could handle the challenges the older kiddo would bring, while trying to keep the younger kids on track as well. Also, unfortunately, many older adopted children have been abused, and could easily become perpetrators on to these young kids. I would never, ever recommend adopting older than your youngest child to anyone, and certainly I would urge extreme caution in this case!

As far as finances, well, there aren’t many times in a child’s life growing up that parents are expected to outlay $15,000-$40,000 in one go. But that is the range for adopting a domestic newborn infant right now from a private agency. To say that if a family can’t afford that, then they shouldn’t be parents, well, that’s a hard tack to take, in my opinion. Because this number is so high, it’s actually quite common for people who are looking to adopt to solicit donations. At least it is, in my experience. It’s not looked on as distasteful in the adoption community. Bake sales, yard sales, car washes, selling pieces of a puzzle – families come up with many creative ways to finance their child coming home. Adoption is a money-making business in the US, and hopeful pre-adoptive parents have to be creative in finding ways to be able to afford the ever-increasing fees. That said, I’ve never given or solicited for adoption donations myself.

The fact that the family already has 3 children shouldn’t be a negative against them though – I am sure there is a birthmother out there who would love for her baby not to grow up as an only child, but as a much-loved younger sibling in a large family. For this reason, I don’t think it is fair to say that this family would be taking a baby away from a waiting childless couple, because they would appeal to different birthmothers. Some birthmoms might see their child as a “gift” that they are bestowing on an infertile couple, but others might have a different idea and want to only look at already established families who are looking to grow their brood through adoption.

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Kat January 11, 2012 at 9:37 pm

The would-be parents made a bad move asking for assistance over Facebook but that doesn’t give anyone the right to judge the size of their family or the spacing of their children.

I’m aghast this has to be said on an _etiquette_ site.

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Noodle January 11, 2012 at 10:20 pm

I was adopted at birth 28 years ago through an independent adoption. I also had a baby last month while on insurance that didn’t cover maternity unless an emergency arose.

I wholehearteldly agree with those who feel this is tacky. It sounds like this may be an independent adoption like mine was, so there may not be an agency making sure the couple has the financial means for the adoption. If the birthmom is so financially hard-up, maybe there’s a way she can apply for Medicaid (or whatever the state insurance for low-income people is called in that state)? I know how much deliveries cost and most OB’s offices will work out a payment plan. Birth centers are another choice and that’s what I opted to do. Unfortunately I ended up with an emergency C-section but it looks like the insurance will cover it. Still, I went into it with an idea of the costs and making sure I had a means to cover those costs.

Luckily that couple is not on my Facebook. Had they posted that on my wall I probably would have had a lot of trouble resisting the urge to call them on the carpet, so to speak. Yes, they crossed a line. It’s their decision for their child-to-be and therefore their responsibilty to foot the bill. Any other contributions should be voluntary and unsolicited.

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Redblues January 11, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Hmm, I wonder if I can express myself in a manner that won’t land ME in Ehell. Yes Kat, the size and spacing of one’s family is indeed one’s personal business. So is financing it. If they wanted to adopt AND have children they should have planned accordingly and saved for it like every other mortal who was NOT ‘called by God’. I don’t care if adoption costs are due all at once. So are the costs of every other newborn. If you can’t afford them you postpone your dream, or get over it. You don’t put your hand out and demand other people finance it. They could get a personal loan if they feel it’s that important. If they don’t qualify, they can’t afford another child. Forgive me for pointing this out, but isn’t the idea that they can have as many children as they please and just get other people to finance it exactly the entitled lazy attitude that people decry in poor welfare recipients? What makes these people any different?

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Redblues January 11, 2012 at 11:24 pm

One other thing, if someone requests a charitable donation that just happens to mpersonally benfit them, such as to fund a mission trip, I would write a check to the organization, not the individual. You want to bring a christian education to poor children in South America? Fine. I’ll be happy to buy them some schoolbooks. It does put the beggar in the uncomfortable position of having to thank you for your charity or else say out loud that they want money for themselves and not for the actual charity. To that I say, ‘get a job!’

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Kat January 12, 2012 at 12:35 am

Redblues,

Re-read the post. No where did the parents DEMAND money. They asked for help. They specifically asked for money and prayers. I agree it was a tacky request in a inappropriate place.

But gosh it is Facebook. Ignoring posts on Facebook is practically a work of art. There is hardly “social” pressure in the same sense as a money tree at a wedding, or the envelope being passed around the office. As for the “God’s will” as being emotional blackmail….c’mon!

I don’t know these folks, no one here does. But it would be charitable to assume they are being sincere. It is very possible they said “we believe this is God’s will” as an explanation to the “WHAT? You want ANOTHER child?” reaction they have probably already faced. It is very unlikely they are saying “This is God’s will and if you don’t help out You will make Jesus cry!” (And if they do mean the second- that’s their problem don’t make it yours.)

I never said you had to support their desire for more children (neither did they by the way.) But several comments have stated this couple shouldn’t adopt because they already have children or they don’t “need” another child or expressed doubts the couple should add to their family because their current children are so young. Those comments are rude. Such comments imply human life is not to be valued outside of creating a “picture perfect” family.

Etiquette isn’t the end all be all. These parents are asking to go on a trip, have a dream wedding, buy a rare book or take home the leftover turkey. There is a human being on the other end of this request. To sniff your nose and say “Well, it was tacky of you to ask especially since you already have some and they are still pretty new!” is distasteful.

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David January 12, 2012 at 2:24 am

I find the solicitation of funds via Facebook to be very tacky. I find the letter they are using to be be very tacky. So they have kind of a double-tacky whammy right away.

Posters have mentioned people’s adoption blogs – not tacky. As others have mentioned, you choose to go to a blog and read it, and the choice to click the ‘donate’ button is yours. If the Adopters had posted – “Hey, we want to adopt a child, our blog is at ‘link to blog here’. “or something similar, I wouldn’t have seen it as tacky.

But, no – they want to mention their scrabble score and beg money. Just tacky.

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lkb January 12, 2012 at 5:57 am

I agree with the Admin and the general thrust of the comments thus far. I also wince at any claims (as in the OP) that one is “called by God” to do X, Y and/or Z. It comes off as self-righteous and holier-than-thou to the Nth degree. Real saints are humble and don’t dare to claim special favors from Almighty God in this way.

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Jennifer January 12, 2012 at 8:02 am

I know we shouldn’t judge the family for their choices but –
there are reasons you should not adopt a child when you already have three kids under the age of four. My mom and dad are both early child developmentalists. You really need one-on-one interaction time with a child for the baby’s brain and language development. Some adopted kids, even ones you adopt from healthy birth moms, can be more predisposed to learning disabilities (it depends on the birth parents) and need the extra time and effort in the early years, which could erase any learning issues if dealt with, but could become persistent if ignored. My friend and her brother were genetic siblings, and both suffered learning issues. But her mom and dad had the resources and time to care for them – and they both turned out just fine. (The opposite can be true, I knew someone who adopted two kids then managed to have a kid of her own under a new procedure and the adopted kids had no problems while the birth child was dyslexic).

My family is large – but there are gaps between every two of us or so. Every doctor recommends spacing out your kids, both for maternal health reasons and for child development. These two can choose when to adopt, so why not wait until they have the time and money to actually adopt?

Their reasons just seem false (because God told us to, to fill an empty seat at the table) and like they really aren’t thinking through the whole consequences of adopting this child.

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--Lia January 12, 2012 at 8:39 am

Long before Facebook, I would sometimes run into someone (on a bus, in the school cafeteria) who would act like they wanted to be friends, would chat with me a little as far as us getting to know each other, and then it would turn out that they were selling something. They wanted to be friends so they could tell me about their cleaning supplies or decorated cakes. As soon as it became obvious in conversation that I wasn’t interested, they’ d drop me. I remember how tricked I’d feel, how deceived. I don’t think it’s an etiquette faux pas for someone to hand out advertising brochures on the corner. I wouldn’t have a problem with that person being polite about it. I don’t even have a problem with someone holding a cup and begging on the sidewalk. But I had a huge problem with people feigning friendship in order to transact a business deal or get money out of me through begging. That’s both deceptive and rude.

My question is “what is facebook?” I assume (maybe naively) that anyone who wants to be my friend on facebook would like to be my friend in real life. I assume that we use facebook to get to know each other or at least to leave that path open. But others seem to think of facebook as handing out those leaflets on a street corner or holding a cup. And that’s what bothers me. It’s not WHAT they’re asking money for; it’s HOW. That’s why I said earlier that I’d give to a non-profit agency that helps with the cost of matching needy children with adoptive parents. Not only is it less like helping someone with a personal expense or donating for their personal luxury, I don’t have someone pretending to be my friend to do it.

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Wink-n-Smile January 12, 2012 at 10:04 am

About the only way I’d respond positively to a “Help fund our adoption” email would be the following:

Dear friends: As you know, George has been acting as a Big Brother to Simon, a child from a troubled background. Through the Big Brother program, George and Simon have become very close, and I have been able to enjoy time with Simon, too, and find him to be a wonderful boy. George and I have just fallen in love with our “Little Brother.” Now, CPS has taken him from his abusive parents, and are trying to place him for adoption. Since he’s 12 years old, with a troubled past, he’s difficult to place. But George and I both desperately want to adopt him, ourselves. We already love him, and what’s more, he loves and trusts us. Placing him with strangers is something he has said he fears, and does not want. We have applied to be able to adopt him, and are on our way to getting through all the paperwork, home tests, etc. However, we had no idea how expensive adoption would be! We’ve already spent $X and have been told we can expect another $Y to $Z in bills before we can call Simon our own. We’ve been scrimping and cutting back in every way we can, yet it is taking so long to get it all together and we worry that CPS will place him with someone else, before we are able to come up with the rest. I know it’s not proper to ask for hand-outs. However, due to our love for Simon, we’re throwing away our pride, and asking you to please help us take our darling boy into our home. Every little bit helps, and we’d be grateful for every penny that helps us meet our goal.

In such a situation, saving up in advance isn’t a realistic expectation. Nor are they adding to the long line of people who desperately want a newborn, but are trying to care for a boy who already exists and needs their help. For that, I would definitely help as much as I could. However, the original message the OP submitted just strikes me as selfish and irksome.

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Wink-n-Smile January 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Athena C – in your situation, where they know a desperate young mother and are willing to take her child (perhaps she was seeking an abortion, and they talked her out of it), then they should come right out and say so. “Look, folks, we know this is unexpected and will probably rub some of you the wrong way. However, we know a young woman who is pregnant and does not want the child. Rather than abort it, she decided to bear the child and give her to us to raise. However, the deal was that we would pay for her medical care through pregnancy and delivery. Delivery is expensive, and the legal fees involved with a private adoption are also expensive. Since we do not have time to budget and save up for it, as we would have with a planned adoption, we are in desperate straights to help this baby girl, whom we have already adopted in our hearts. Please help us out. We don’t know what we’ll do if the adoption falls through.”

Details make a difference. People are much more willing to forgive an etiquette blunder in the face of someone who actually NEEDS the help, and shows them why. Humility covers a multitude of sins.

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Athena C January 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

@Kat – Thank you. I was beginning to feel like the lone voice of sanity up in here.

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Xtina January 12, 2012 at 10:27 am

It’s just not right to ask anyone to fund your lifestyle choices, regardless of how noble they may seem. It serves to add an extra layer of guilt trip-piness to put God into it, and count me among the ones who feel that God gives you a brain to think with and hands and feet to work with, and those are the way you carry out His work, not by asking others to pay for it. Besides, it is one thing to ask for donations towards a specific charity or cause you feel strongly about; once you pass into the realm of something that really only benefits you, it’s too gimmee-piggish, no matter how religiously you frame it.

I don’t know what this couple’s reasons are for wanting to adopt a baby as opposed to an older child or can’t surmise why they feel 4 is the magic number , but it’s not up to me to decide what’s best for their family. However, on a side note, I find it a bit insulting on behalf of their existing biological children that three children apparently isn’t fulfilling enough such that they just MUST adopt a fourth child (and specifically, a daughter) or they can’t rest. Even though they must not be able to afford it. I also believe that God works in strange ways and maybe He’s trying to tell them something if they can’t afford to acquire that fourth child.

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Wink-n-Smile January 12, 2012 at 10:32 am

Pam B – 37 – A church adoption fund! What a wonderful idea! I wish more congregations would do that. It surely would simplify things. Also, by making it more public, it takes away the stigma that is (for some ridiculous reason) still attached to some adoptions.

I once knew a woman who swore up and down that adopting anyone but a newborn was an exercise in insanity, because older children were ALL addicted to drugs and came from abusive homes. Yeah. No kids who lost their parents in a car crash, or something like that. No way. If they weren’t newborns, she was completely convinced they were screwed up and not worth having. And, of course, all newborns were “safe,” and had no addictions to deal with. She also apparently didn’t believe in special needs. That was just the parents being too soft and spoiling the children. She was scary.

A little education would be a good thing.

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Kim January 12, 2012 at 10:43 am

grumpy_otter January 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm:
“I just reread this and had another thought. They said:
`As you may already know, we packed the births of our 3 children into only 3 and-a-half years; yes we are crazy – and a bit fond of each other!’
`And a bit fond of each other?’ Does that mean what I think they are implying there?”

Thank you, grumpy_otter, I was worried that maybe it was just me and my dirty mind snickering over that one. :D

Yup, in addition to the tackitude of soliciting financial donations from casual acquaintances on Facebook, this couple thought it was okay to start out their solicitation with a little crypto-bragging about the enthusiastic marital sex life that has enabled them to produce 3 kids in under 4 years!

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Xtina January 12, 2012 at 10:44 am

@ Lia–right on! I have felt the same way when “old friends” rekindle a relationship only to ask me to buy or fund something–I would never approach people I had not spoken to in a long time or were not that close with to solicit for business or funds; I’d just be too mortified to have people thinking I was actually that rude and crude.

That’s another thing that bugs me about this situation–it might have been a LITTLE better if the OP was in regular contact with these people–but the fact that they are apparently only loose acquaintances who don’t talk that much makes this request that much worse.

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Wink-n-Smile January 12, 2012 at 11:35 am

Xtina – 69 – about the older children feeling less-than because the parents simply “had” to adopt that last child – I know what you mean. I’ve long felt that if you know, in advance, that you want to adopt a child, in addition to however many children you have the natural way, then you should adopt that child first, so that everyone knows that 1) the adopted child was definitely wanted for herself/himself, and not as a substitute for a child you could not have naturally, and 2) the other children don’t feel like they weren’t good enough to satisfy you.

I also believe in adopting older children whenever possible. Babies are cute and snuggly, but older children KNOW what’s going on, and can choose you, just as much as you choose them. Older children are more difficult to place, so by taking one, you make it easier for the others, by lessening the competition amongst the children for placement with adoptive parents. Older children may or may not have “troubled pasts,” but they all have at least one injury from which they need help healing. Somehow or other, they lost thier birth family. You want them to be grateful for the adoption? Go for the older children who know. And you’ll never have to deal with the whole “Do we tell them they are adopted, or not” question. They’ll already know. They may choose to find birth parents, or whatever, but it won’t come out of the blue. Yes, older children have issues, but they also have advantages. And guess what? ALL children have issues. With an older child, you have the luxury of knowing what those issues are beforehand.

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Athena C January 12, 2012 at 11:54 am

@Wink-n-Smile – Mostly agreed, but then again they may have glossed over any sort of details at the request of the mother (or her parents). Or they could have been worried about getting an earful from people about “how dare they interfere with her right to choose” or some such. There are plenty of people who are downright uncharitable in these situations. I don’t think it really makes a difference what they share or don’t share; it may make a difference to you, but for every person like you there are 100 other people ready to roast them alive for whatever their pet peeve is. People either respond with compassion or they don’t.

In any case its a moot point, because I did say in my initial post that they were doing it wrong.

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Holly January 12, 2012 at 11:59 am

Wink-N-Smile: Your scenario about having to race to get funds together for an older child adoption from CPS is not at all likely. A couple with that kind of connection with a 12-year-old boy would be first in line to be considered by a social worker. And, in almost all cases, there is little to no cost involved to the potential parents, other than mileage to go and visit the child prior to placement. The home study fees are covered by the county, and the attorney fees are paid directly to the lawyer by the county. If I were to receive a message like that, I’d definitely want more information – because the information presented doesn’t gel with known reality.

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Kat January 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

If I may I would like to toss out another way to interpret the bible quote. The “us” preceding the quote very likely could have meant “all of us” as in humankind. In other words- we taking on another child well because God has called humankind to care for its widows and orphans and we are trying to do our part.

I don’t think the parents meant “God has given us a divine mandate because we are such awesome people to care for all the little ones in the world. You should really give us your money because we are special enough for God to decide we should care for these people.”

I disagree more details should have been given. Those are private details that don’t belong on Facebook. If someone was interested in helping but wanted to make sure this was dire straights and not just a whim they could always contact the parents are say: “I read you were thinking about adopting, that’s really interesting. Would you mind telling me more?”

I can’t help to think that if the parents had given more details then everyone would be screaming about how inappropriate it was to share those details.

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Angie January 12, 2012 at 2:00 pm

It’s one thing getting Facebook requests from people you barely know to sponsor them in a walk or something like that. At least you’re donating to an actual charity and you get a tax receipt.

But to ask for money for a personal expense like this is very crass IMO. And if it’s a person you don’t know that well – you should always keep in mind the possibility that it’s a scam. There have been cases of people pretending they have cancer or something, and setting up Facebook pages asking for donations, and it’s all lies.

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LuckyMomOf3 January 12, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I have been blessed with the opportunity to adopt all 3 of my children. When we adopted our son, a newborn through a domestic private agency, we did not make much combined with our regular, salaried jobs. I was a teacher in a state that ranks at the bottom for teacher salaries. My husband made a little more than I did but not much.
I took on any extra income I could. I worked with our school’s after school tutoring program one year and ran the program the next. I worked a summer job at a residential camp and spent 8 weeks away from my husband. I took some class with the school district office and they paid me. My husband delivered pizzas in addition to his regular job. Honestly, when we graduated from college we thought we were done with jobs like camp and delivering pizzas. However, we didn’t care! We wanted a family so we did what we needed to do to make that happen! In addition to all of the jobs, we scrimped and cut every corner we could! Any unexpected money (maybe a birthday check from grandma or a bonus from work) went into our adoption savings. We really evaluated what we NEEDED vs. what we wanted and saved enough to start our family.
For our other two (also babies but they were foreign adoptions), I was a stay at home mom and my husband made more money (but not 6 figures or anything) and we did whatever we could to save again. At no time did it ever occur to us to ask anyone to help fund these adoptions.
I DO think the facebook letter to anyone and everyone is quite tacky. I personally don’t care for the donate buttons on adoption blogs, BUT I don’t necessarily think they are a breach of etiquette.
Anyone close to you will know that you are going through the adoption process. Our close friends and loved ones knew why we were taking on the extra jobs, etc. I think that was a pretty clear message that we were getting into a big financial commitment and we were trying to raise the funds. One day (before our first one came home) I came home from running an errand and found a gift bag on my porch. Inside was a baby blanket and a card. I opened the card and it said something about wishing that our dreams would come true. Inside was $120 cash. The card was unsigned. I never found out who left me the bag (I suspected a coworker) but it was a VERY kind gift and it was much appreciated.
Loved ones will help you if they want to and are able. They will see that you are doing everything to save, etc. I just don’t think you should ask for or expect the help.

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Steph January 12, 2012 at 10:15 pm

A Facebook friend of mine, one I hadn’t talked to in about three years in person or on Facebook, sent me and several others an email to ask for money. To send her to modeling class. I can barely afford to buy dinner, and she wanted me to help send her to what sounded like a scam.

Asking for money for yourself on Facebook, unless you’ll starve or be kicked out without help, is always tacky. Some people who bring God into their begging justify it by saying that God is providing money through their friends, but that’s rubbish. It’s tacky tacky tacky.

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Just Laura January 12, 2012 at 11:04 pm

LuckyMomOf3, you sound like a wonderful person. Many of my friends were adopted (one at one day old, and three when they were adolescents). All are grateful for their parents, and all today have good lives thanks to the kind people who opened their homes to them.

To those who say that an older child can come with issues: Any child can come with issues! Your own flesh and blood may have a disability or disorder. When I originally said “older child,” I didn’t necessarily mean a 15 year old (though they need homes too). There are toddlers out there who need a loving parent, and they too don’t come straight from a delivery room.

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Holly January 13, 2012 at 11:06 am

JustLaura: Yes, any child can come with issues, but emotional issues like Reactive Attachment Disorder take root when I child is ignored or mistreated as an infant. It is quite possible to adopt a toddler who will have a life-long struggle, and it isn’t apparent right off the bat. This type of emotional challenge is not something “your own flesh and blood” would end up with after being born to you. I personally would never adopt a child under the age of 6, because of this. Of course, others are willing to take the risk, and that is perfectly fine.

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Wink-n-Smile January 13, 2012 at 11:15 am

Just Laura – my opinion is ALL children come with issues. Some are born with them, and some develop them when life throws them curve balls. Some are obvious and some are not. But every human being has issues, at some point or other.

The thing is – can you deal with that particular issue? If so, great. If not, then try to find help from someone else who can deal with that particular issue. And if you’re going to be a parent, whether by birth or adoption, be aware that there WILL be issues, sooner or later. Expect that, and you won’t be disappointed. You’ll be prepared.

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Cat Whisperer January 13, 2012 at 11:42 pm

FWIW, this family asked for “financial support and prayers.” I would respond that they and the child they are planning on adopting will be in my prayers from hence forward. That’s all I would say.

And that’s really all anyone needs to do. When someone commits the gaffe of trying to shake their acquaintances down for money or gifts, all that’s necessary to reprove them is to ignore the shakedown and let an absence of largesse speak for contributions speak for itself. You don’t need to reprove these people; you just need to ignore their request for money. That should get the point across.

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Lambzig January 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

I am really shocked by this. I think here in the UK , they would possibly be barred from adopting if they did this. For me, its the equivalent of someone going on Facebook to ask for help paying for their fertility treatment, so that they can start or expand their family. Truly shocking.

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Etta Kett January 16, 2012 at 9:07 pm

“I was beginning to feel like the lone voice of sanity up in here.”

This comment seems unnecessarily spiteful. You are characterizing everyone else but you and the other commenter as insane.

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Bethany January 17, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Holly- even children born to you can develop RAD, it is not an understood problem yet. And adopting a child younger than 6 gives you more opportunities to alleviate any issues, whereas an older child can not change as much.

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erica September 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I have seen fb postings about fundraising events for adoption funds to adopt from other countries (which is quite expensive). I am not judging but asking. Why would someone adopt a preschool aged child from across the world when there are so many available HERE for adoption…who need a good home with kind and loving parents?
Is it to ‘save’ them from the country and situation in which they live? Is it to give them a chance at a better life?
Have these people even considered what living in foster care entails?
I really truly am not judging the choices they have chosen for their family but…at the same time..don’t ask me to finance them and NOT ask some questions.

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