Buddy, Can You Spare A Dime So I Can Adopt?

by admin on January 11, 2012

I received this via Facebook messaging from a couple we’ve had little to no contact with for a few years:

We hope this letter finds you well. As you may already know, we packed the births of our 3 children into only 3 and-a-half years; yes we are crazy – and a bit fond of each other! God has blessed us with a wonderful family, a home filled with love, laughter, NOISE and one empty seat at the dinner table.

We intend to fill that empty seat by adding one more little girl to our brood through adoption. Why pile on to our loud, crazy home?

There are a few reasons…God calls us to “look after, care for, speak up for, defend, and ensure justice…for orphans, widows, those in distress; all who are destitute, defenseless, being crushed, poor, needy, helpless.” James 1:27, Proverbs 31:8-9

Prior to ever being married, both of us had the desire to adopt a child some day; now is the time to fulfill this longing. We consider it a privilege to participate in something so special and invite (beg?) you to assist us in bringing a little girl into our home. She will show up in the traditional way – screaming, messy, cord cutting. However, she won’t come with health insurance to cover the cost of delivery! This is downright expensive and we’d appreciate any financial support and prayers you’d be willing to offer.

Thanks for being a part of this incredible experience.

Am I reading this right? “Hi – we want to have another baby, and we’d like you to help pay for it.” What they want to do is admirable, but I feel asking us (and other Facebook friends) to help finance it crossed the line.  1208-11

It’s one thing to tell your family of your wishes and desires to adopt more children so they can rally together to pool resources to make it happen.   But when you cast the net farther to include acquaintances, that has crossed the line into public begging.

I have an issue with people using God as the excuse or the author of their begging as this adds a “spiritual gravitas” (God is on *my* side) element to it that has the appearance of manipulation.  I have an even bigger issue with people claiming to be doing God’s bidding and then blaming Him when there are negative consequences to their actions.    I am delighted that someone can feel led to obey his/her conscience or follow what they feel is God’s calling but it’s their path to travel, not everyone else’s.  If one truly believes God has told you to adopt children, He will provide the means for you to do that without becoming a public beggar and that “means” may be that you have to scrimp, save and become a frugalista for several years to save the necessary money.   If you want something bad enough, you’ll figure out a way to earn it yourself without relying on others to make your dreams come true.

And this leads the inevitable question of, “If they cannot afford to bring the baby into the world, how will they afford to care for it over the years?”   If they do not have the discipline now to save for the future adoption of a child, what evidence is there that they will save for the child’s future needs once he/she is a family member?

 

{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }

Hemi Halliwell January 11, 2012 at 9:44 am

Very well said, Admin.

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Just Laura January 11, 2012 at 9:46 am

Or they could adopt an older child.
If God hasn’t provided a way to pay for a delivery, then perhaps God is telling them, “Hey, there are a lot of older children out there who need homes!”

In fact, if I received this FB message, that’s more or less how I’d respond.

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Sarah January 11, 2012 at 9:51 am

We have friends going through an international adoption and yes, they have said on their blog that they are taking donations for adoption costs. I have conflicting thoughts on this. Yes, I think, they should know what the costs are and pay for it themselves. But I had no idea there were so many costs involved, for the home studies, application fees, travel, etc.

These friends were planning on adopting through one country when the US government put a halt to all adoptions from that country. Our friends lost almost $10,000 that they had already paid in fees to that agency and there was no recourse for getting it back. They have now switched to a different agency and country and because they are adopting a special needs child qualified for a grant and for donations to their fund to be tax deductible. Once they were tax deductible, I did make a donation. Mainly because I felt so bad that they had lost all of the money they had already invested in the donation.

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ellesee January 11, 2012 at 9:54 am

“If they cannot afford to bring the baby into the world, how will they afford to care for it over the years?”

Right on, admin. That was the first thing that crossed my mind. I hope their babies do no undergo hard times because their parents did not balance their finances. Will not be surprised if they started to ask OP to donate to a diaper fund…..

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vanessaga January 11, 2012 at 9:55 am

I thought finances were taken into account when adopting. Of course, I do not know for sure and I’m sure there are different circumstances. I too, feel adoption is admirable. However, only if you have the resources and it sounds like they may not. Granted, birth with no insurance is expensive but something you prepare for as a patent, biological or not.

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JillyBean January 11, 2012 at 9:59 am

My question – there are other ways to adopt that don’t have to cover the cost of birth, yes? I’m from Canada – so I’m not sure what the different options are for adoption in the States. You can pay thousands of dollars for a private adoption, but one that is public and goes through Family and Children Services – it’s much less expensive. Both have thorough screening processes – which is wonderful. But, as an adopted child, I always wonder why it costs so much to find a child a home.

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Amber January 11, 2012 at 10:06 am

I’ve always been leery of anyone who uses God as a means to beg for cash, whether it be for adoption or charitable foundations. Even if the cause is a good one, God isn’t some dude in a cow suit people can put out on the street to lure in customers. If the cause is a good one, state the case, say you’re open for donations, and leave it at that.

Anyway, about the adoption, yeah, this email is weird.

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Smile January 11, 2012 at 10:06 am

I don’t understand why they have to pay for teh delivery of someone else’s child or if they want another child have another one and get it covered under their insurance.

i know having kids is expensive, but FB asking for money…Yeah just not cool

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SHOEGAL January 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

This IS crossing the line. You cannot solicit friends, neighbors, family members, acquaintances to help finance ANYTHING that you want let alone a child!!

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gramma dishes January 11, 2012 at 10:10 am

I’m a little confused. From her description, I gather this baby is going to be a newborn, not a special needs child or other older child in need of a family. Around here the waiting list for couples wanting to adopt babies is long … very long.

Most couples fortunate enough to be able to adopt a newborn do not have other children already. It seems a little less than fair for one couple, who clearly are quite capable of producing children on their own, to “get” four children while another couple with their hearts filled with love and longing get none! So how did they jump to the front of the line?

I agree with admin that bringing “God’s will” into the picture is off putting. If they can’t even afford the adoption, how on earth will they be able to afford the ongoing expenses of raising this child?

I’m not sure if receiving something like this would color my feelings toward the couple themselves or not. But I would personally not respond to such a request for financial assistance and find it at least a little bit offensive.

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Carrie January 11, 2012 at 10:13 am

This is wildly audacious and misguided, and I’d be very tempted to defriend. I can just imagine what comes next: hands extended for a baby shower, homecoming, first birthday, college fund, etc.

While adoption is admirable, I do wonder why they feel the need to adopt a baby. There are plenty of older children who are in need and deserve a loving home.

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Typo Tat January 11, 2012 at 10:22 am

If it were a barren couple desperate for a baby, or an adoption of a special needs child, I’d feel differently about it. But for this family, adoption is a luxury, not a need. They should be ashamed to ask others to finance their luxuries.

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Cat January 11, 2012 at 10:25 am

Without the money needed to adopt a child at birth, I would think God may be telling them to take an older child into their home whose birth has already been paid for.

Older children have a much harder time finding adoptive homes.Are these folks thinking of the child’s needs or their own?

Three children in a bit more than three years are a lot for anyone to handle. Adding a fourth might be the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back-especially since they don’t even have the funds to pay for the child’s birth. Let them wait six years until the youngest is in school and then revisit the idea…or…tell them they need to pay for their children just as you expect to pay for yours.

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Margaret January 11, 2012 at 10:30 am

Odd how God calls them to adopt a newborn, which is the easiest child to place, when they can’t afford it, instead of calling them to adopt an older child who will not come with “delivery fees”.

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Bint January 11, 2012 at 10:38 am

On top of what they’re actually doing, why do people like this always have to couch their demands in such coy language? It’s exactly the same as those people who put poems in their wedding invitations asking for money. Drenching it in sugar doesn’t make it any sweeter; it just makes it look as if the person is trying to mask the less attractive side of what they’re doing. Being ‘part of this incredible experience’? Call it what it is – ‘funding our adoption’. Respect the other person’s intelligence.

I agree with the Admin that this is distasteful – the religious references reek of emotional blackmail. Whilst I applaud their desire to adopt, begging for the public delivery is awful and they should have planned for that when they planned the adoption.

Oddly, the tone of this bothers me more. It’s so sickly and twee that I wished I hadn’t had lunch.

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Serenity S. January 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

I think this letter is inappropriate. I don’t think it should be sent to even immediate family and close friends. It is rude to ask for money/gifts. Why can’t they just add the new baby onto their health insurance they should *already* have for the three biological children they had within three and a half years? If it is because they can’t get the baby covered until they legally adopt it, then I agree with Admin that they should save up the money and wait a couple of years until they are more financially secure to adopt. Adoption is great and I respect them for wanting to help a child who’s parents can’t care for them, but they shouldn’t do it if they don’t have enough money. Or if it is only about the health insurance issue, they could adopt an older child and then not need to pay expenses for the birth. I was adopted at 14 months old. Older children need adoptive families too, not just cute newborns. Sorry if this is a bit rantish. But I think asking for prayers was ok, asking for money was not ok. And if anyone who is reading this is thinking about adoption, please consider an older child. There are many people lined up to adopt infants, but only a few who are willing to adopt older children. Every child deserves a loving family.

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Cammie January 11, 2012 at 10:42 am

I find such “demand letters” that arrive without so much as a “please or thank you” very irritating and off-putting and give them exactly as much consideration as they deserve.

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Sarah Jane January 11, 2012 at 11:09 am

  “If one truly believes God has told you to adopt children, He will provide the means for you to do that without becoming a public beggar”

Admin, I could not have said it better myself.

Am I the only one it rubs the wrong way when they joke that they are “a bit fond of each other!”? Does that imply that couples who don’t have three kids in three-and-a-half years are not??

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Athena C January 11, 2012 at 11:10 am

I agree that it sounds an awful lot like public begging, which doesn’t sit right with me, but look at some of the info:

- They insist that “now is the time”
- They know its a girl
- They are awfully specific about no health insurance to cover the delivery

To me, it sounds like they know someone who is unexpectedly pregnant and wants to give their baby up for adoption. If this is the case, it explains the urgency and the specific info they have, and I can’t fault them for reaching out for help. But they are doing it wrong. What they should do instead is first let the hospital know afterward that they can’t afford it. If the hospital is Catholic / other Christian – affiliated, they have a process for something called charity care. That may get much of the bill written off and will solve at least part of the problem. For whatever amount is left, get on a payment schedule. While all of this is going on, spread the word through family / church that they need help. By the time they actually have to pay anything, (assuming they have a good support network) they may have received help in the form of groceries / baby clothes / etc. which will make paying the bill that much easier.

That’s my thoughts, but I almost can’t fault them for their message because frankly they sound desperate. And desperate people don’t always have the best judgment. If I am correct about this situation, compassion will go a lot further than bristling at incorrect behavior.

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christine January 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

How timely! I just got a request to fund someone’s trip to Mexico so they can do God’s work. I dream of doing a ton of things, but I don’t send out requests for money to do them. Bringing God into your bid for money is the worst kind of manipulation in my opinion.

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Amanda January 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

It always amazes me when I hear stories like this. My husband and I hope to adopt one day, but it won’t be until we are in a position to be able to pay for it. If our families choose on their own to contribute, we certainly would accept the help, but to boldly ask for financial help in this manner just astounds me.

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Daisy January 11, 2012 at 11:18 am

My daughter and son-in-law adopted a beautiful 9 year old boy three years ago, and if the Facebook Friends think delivery is expensive, wait til they get a look at braces, music lessons, summer camp and field trips! I can imagine the Facebook post: “Dear Genna would so love to go to her Junior Prom – how about kicking in on the limo?”.

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Molly January 11, 2012 at 11:20 am

Pretty gross gimme,gimme. I might (maybe) have given them a pass if they were adopting an older or special needs child and wanted help making their house appropriate for the child or assembling the learning equipment the child would need (in the form of asking for used things but knowing that money might be offered instead), but adopting a baby and begging for the hospital bill to be paid? Pathetic.

If I am reading this right, they have 3 toddlers/infants and want to throw another into the mix? I’d feel sorry for that child, especially with their “holier than thou” attitude. How many times will that kid be told “to be grateful God told us to adopt you” or some such crap. I agree with the admin about earning your dreams rather than begging strangers to achieve them for you. Some people have no shame.

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A January 11, 2012 at 11:35 am

Spot-on, Admin…spot.on. I found it humorous that the letter did include: beg? …Why yes, crazy acquintance, you are begging. Although, they did state they’d also accept prayers. If the OP isn’t inclined to offer financial assistance he/she may want to go that route.

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ES January 11, 2012 at 11:37 am

Thank you. I have been in a similar situation. A colleague has conducted many fundraisers in the office so her daughter can adopt. While I understand the charitable appeal of “rescuing” a little girl from China, I can’t help weighing this appeal vs. my own family’s needs and our desire to adopt in the future as well. I have not purchased anything from this colleague, and she has become noticeably less friendly as a result.

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Ashley January 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

A while back there was a post about kids writing letters and asking for money for mission trips…I sort of feel the same way about this as I do about that. What they want to do is admirable, but to beg friends and family for money is wrong. I’m not religious, but I am pretty sure if God wanted you to do something this grand and epic, he would provide the means. He may not provide them right away, but that’s probably a sign you should hold off for a few years until you are more financially stable. Because yeah, Admin is right, if they can’t afford to bring her into this world, how are they going to afford to pay for everything she is going to need for the rest of her life?

If I somehow accidentally insulted anyone, I’m truly sorry, I did not mean it. I am adopted, I appreciate what a wonderful gift it can be. And I am also accepting of religions despite my own lack there of, but begging in a situation like this just bothers me.

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twik January 11, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I agree with Athena C. – it sounds like this is an adoption of a baby from someone they know. I’d be a little more willing to contribute if their request was not phrased in a way that makes them sound like Mother and Father Theresa, but in that light, it explains why they, not the mother, are concerned about the delivery cost. However, public begging is not the solution.

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ferretrick January 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

@gramma dishes: With most adoption agencies, what happens is you go into a pool of prospective parents and the agency gives birth parents a binder of letters and biographical data on the potential parents in the pool. The birth parents pick the couple they like best-it’s not first come, first serve, and it’s not uncommon for people to wait 2 years or more in the pool to be picked.

I would guess, in this case, as someone else suggested, either the authors already knew the birth parents, or the birthparents picked them from a pool of potential parents, as is their right.

Also, once matched it is not uncommon for the prospective parents, through the agency, to pay some/all of the birthparent’s expenses until the birth. Depending on the birthparent’s financial circumstances, that can include doctor visits, the hospital stay, even rent and food if the birthparents have exceptional need.

All of which does not mean that this note is not tacky, tacky, tacky.

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Lily January 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

This. So very This.

Adoption is an expensive process but I consider it under family planning. Would you be calling out for donations for paying your own rent or buying diapers or groceries as “doing God’s work?” Maybe if the person was homeless and poor, but even still it counts under “begging.”

Although I am not Atheist, one had given me some food for thought. “God” often holds the values you hold and the will you want. What is the difference between “God” and yourself?

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Anonymous for this one January 11, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I’m glad to see this here. I have a Facebook friend who (I know from her posts) is retired military, has an older son, owns at least one horse and some land elsewhere from where she lives, and owns her own business BUT has largely “set aside” stuff to do with the business to focus on adopting a special-needs child abroad and is constantly fundraising for this adoption on Facebook. She also has set up a website where people can donate money. She often speaks about how expensive the whole process will be.

I commend what she’s doing, I really do. These are kids with serious disabilities that would have been essentially thrown away in their impoverished home countries. But I also think that if she feels called to do this, she should use her own resources. I’m aware that on Facebook, everyone appears to have strong friendships, a perfect marriage and tons of money, so I may have a skewed picture of her circumstances, but it just rankles me to her ask for money from anyone she has an acquaintance with when she appears to be doing very well herself. I agree with admin:
“If one truly believes God has told you to adopt children, He will provide the means for you to do that without becoming a public beggar and that “means” may be that you have to scrimp, save and become a frugalista for several years to save the necessary money. If you want something bad enough, you’ll figure out a way to earn it yourself without relying on others to make your dreams come true.”

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Angel January 11, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I agree with the admin. And I probably wouldn’t defriend, I would just unsubscribe to the person’s posts so I wouldn’t have to see them anymore. Fundraising for a non-profit charity is one thing, fundraising for a family’s adoption just doesn’t make sense to me. If you do not have the money, why in the world would you adopt a child? I know there are a lot of costs associated, but I can’t imagine they would come as a big surprise when you go to adopt–everyone knows adoptions are expensive. If I’m not inclined to adopt a child for myself I’m certainly not going to fund someone else’s. If I want to give a charitable contribution to help kids around the world, I will give to UNICEF every year and let that be the end of it.

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Calli Arcale January 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Some have asked why this process is so expensive. The answer is that in the United States, there is no coherent adoption system. There are many adoption agencies, and there are foster child programs through Child Protective Services (though those can be fraught with gigantic emotional challenges; fostering is by no means a guarantee of later adoption — it’s a wonderful thing to do, but will have a lot of uncertainty that you will need to be able to weather without appearing flummoxed before children who desperately need some stability in their lives), but there is no single, unified process. And this void has allowed a wild mismash to develop, along with fees which are downright predatory. International adoptions can be particularly expensive, and it isn’t always for legitimate reasons; in many countries, it’s connected to organized crime. Some adoptive parents have lost tens of thousands of dollars when the adoption fell through because the birth mother finally caught up with the abductors who stole her child to sell for adoption. It can be ugly. It can also be beautiful, though, and without question, there are children who desperately need parents, all over the world.

Open adoption is usually the cheapest way to go. This sounds like an open adoption case, since they are offering to pay for the hospital costs, which means there is a particular pregnancy involved. Open adoption is different in that rather than lining up for adoptions like people lining up for organ transplants, the mother usually gets to choose the prospective parents. This can occur with or without the intervention of an agency, and this very much sounds like a no-agency open-adoption situation. I have a friend who went through that, where they were looking into adoption about the same time a friend’s daughter became unexpectedly pregnant. It turned out well for them (and they didn’t need to pay for the birth, since the girl’s parents had health insurance), but there were a lot of unexpected legal costs. I’m not sure what the final price tag ended up being, but it surprised them a lot. Another friend went with open adoption through a non-profit agency; they were probably perfectly able to conceive, but had other genetic reasons for not wanting to. Their experience was better, in part because the birth mother had absolutely zero ambivalence about her decision, but also because the agency they went through didn’t charge very much. (Lutheran Social Services; highly recommended.)

On the one hand, I don’t want to give money to help somebody do something optional, like adopt. On the other hand, I also know there are often far more expenses incurred than expected originally, and this can put a family into a severe bind. I’ve given money to help friends with various situations, and would happily give to a close friend who was trying to adopt. (In fact, I did!) But there’s a difference — my friends would never ask directly like this. Friends of friends might arrange fundraisers for them; that’s different, and I’m happy to help in that sort of a situation. But hitting up distant acquaintances via Facebook? No. Not interested.

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the other Mary January 11, 2012 at 12:59 pm

IF this is truely God’s will then He will make a way. No need to beg others.

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Kitty Lizard January 11, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Adoption costs aside, older kids are just as expensive as younger kids. And, as one poster said, the
whole tone of this post made me a bit queasy. Frankly, if they can’t afford the adoption, I don’t
know how they’re going to support the whole brood once they get them together. Four kids under
the age of four are a budget killer, especially with formula and diapers mixed in. (Believe me, I
did the Happy Dance the day my daughter got off (1) formula and (2) diapers.) With 4 kids,
that day’s going to be a long time coming. Although there may be alternatives to the delivery
fee, the costs aren’t going to stop once the kid comes home and four kids in this economy, as I
said, are a budget nightmare. With all the couples out there who don’t have any children and
are waiting for newborns, it seems kind of selfish to me, but there’s really no backstory.

Kitty

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markko January 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I think the posters are right about the newborns being difficult to get for obviously fertile couples. I am more inclined to believe the newborn they are adopting and needing the delivery costs to be paid for is THEIR OWN. Of course it would sound simply awful to beg for one’s own indiscressions, so they made up a story to gain more sympathy.

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Allie January 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm

If it’s been your desire since before you even got married to adopt a child someday, SAVE UP for it, and don’t use biblical quotes to justify your gimme pig cash grab. It’s been my desire since I was 6 to have a pony. Hmmm, maybe I should set up a Facebook group…

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Pam B January 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm

We have a fund at our church for the very purpose of helping people fund adoptions. The fund is there, people know about it and if they wish to give, they do. I think it’s better for the person wishing to adopt NOT to solicit funds…. just comes across as tacky no matter how you look at it.

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CanadaLes January 11, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I am an adoptive parent of a son born in Ethiopia and brought home to Canada when he was 14 months old. We are fortunate that my husband earns a good salary and we could afford to pursue international adoption, which, for us, was the way we decided to create our family. If we could not have afforded it, we would NOT have besieged friends and acquaintances for money.
I too worry about the parents who feel “called by God” to adopt. They might see it as being “merciful” or “admirable” and have expectations of the child in terms of being grateful to be adopted. Many kids are thankful that they were adopted, but some kids are not. Doing this with an expectation of gratitude from a child is not a good start. That is not in the OPs post, but I have seen it many times. People who think adoption is “rescuing a child”, rather than realizing that it is parenting a child who may have had a difficult start in life, sometimes fall into the expectation of gratitude problem.
Adoption is no more admirable than giving birth to a child and caring for it to the best of your abilities. Adoption is a way to create, or expand, one’s family because one wants to parent that child. It should not done primarily for kudos, gratitude from the child or society or to rescue a child. These might be actual consequences for the family. For example, I know my son will have a much better life with us as parents than in an orphanage in Africa, but that is not the reason we adopted him. He needed parents and we needed to be his parents, it is as simple as that. By the way, not that it matters, but my husband and I are both atheists.

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NicoleK January 11, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I’m wondering if there isn’t a specific reason they are adopting this child, like it is the child of a friend or relative or something, or someone in their community, and they feel an obligation to raise the child but would like others to pitch in as well. There must be a reason for the urgency.

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Mabel January 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Good grief. How rude to presume they are so special as to expect others to finance their family.

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--Lia January 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

With so many charitable agencies that take donations to help needy children find adoptive parents, I’d be tempted to tell the facebook fundraisers that I regularly donate to agencies like this one. Giving to one set of parents so they can adopt sounds a little too much like giving to people so they can buy a child.

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Redneck Gravy January 11, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I am with everyone else – bad, just bad.

But the evil me would be tempted to post:

I am unable to donate to the birth of your fourth child. However, since God has led you to adopt, I will be praying that God sends you the ability to cover the costs.

I rarely FB anymore, it is leading to a new level method of poor etiquette and passive agressiveness.

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NancyDrew January 11, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Argh! I received a very similar letter from a “friend” on FB. We hadn’t been in touch in several years, when she added me out of the blue. At first, I was delighted to hear from her, but her very first communication was a long letter about how she needed her friends to help her fulfill God’s wish that she move to South America for three years to do his work. Not only was she asking for the funds to get there, but for three years of living expenses. She had no funds of her own to do this.

Mind-boggling.

I find the adoption gimme even less tasteful, if that’s possible.

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Kovitlac January 11, 2012 at 3:50 pm

“…Why pile on to our loud, crazy home?”

I am genuinely confused. They ARE adding another child to their home. Heck, they’re even getting an infant.

I take real issue with people voluntarily bringing children into their home when they can’t afford it. I have an aunt and uncle who have three children, and are just getting by. They are constantly taking in foreign exchange students, and keeping them at home so that they can take care of the three younger children. Now I’m all for taking in exchange students, or fostering a child, but only do so when you are financially ABLE to do so. And don’t pass your children off on them – in the case of exchange students, they are here to learn about our country and make new friends. Not act as a free babysitter.

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acr January 11, 2012 at 3:57 pm

“Or they could adopt an older child.
If God hasn’t provided a way to pay for a delivery, then perhaps God is telling them, “Hey, there are a lot of older children out there who need homes!” ”

This. Their letter is so self-righteous it makes me feel ill. Unless they are adopting a child with some kind of severe medical issues, this isn’t an act of charity. There are waiting lists for healthy babies.

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Gracie C. January 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I’m torn on this. On the one hand it’s tacky to beg for money. On the other hand I feel like maybe if we were all willing to give a little to the process that more children would find themselves in homes. As for their financial status, it’s not as simple as saying if they can’t afford the costs they can’t afford the rest of the child’s life. The up-front costs of adoption can be staggering, and mostly come due in huge sums, whereas the lifetime costs of caring for a child are spread over that lifetime. Children are expensive, but in most circumstances you won’t be doling out tens of thousands of dollars in one fell swoop for them.

@typo tat – I found your comment very sad. I would not call adoption a “luxury” except maybe for the child who finds themselves in someone’s loving home. They aren’t buying a big screen tv, they are providing a human being with a home. Regardless of whether they should be asking for money online or not, adoption is a need – not necessarily for this couple, but for the child.

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grumpy_otter January 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm

CanadaLes’s post should be on the front page of every adoption application all over the world.

Well said.

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grumpy_otter January 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I just reread this and had another thought. They said:

“As you may already know, we packed the births of our 3 children into only 3 and-a-half years; yes we are crazy – and a bit fond of each other!”

“And a bit fond of each other?” Does that mean what I think they are implying there?

Add “yuck” to my reaction at reading this. Most of my other reactions were unprintable.

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LS January 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Remember that old SNL skit “Don’t Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford”?
I think that applies here.

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sv January 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Sarah – Perhaps I am mistaken but I feel that what your friends have done is different from the situation the OP is in. I personally don’t see anything wrong with a blog that mentions that they are accepting donations to help with associated costs, especially considering their particular circumstances. After all, to view a blog is your own choice, and it likely has information regarding their adoption process that has nothing to do with money as well. I feel that is different from sending out a mass facebook email for the specific purpose of asking aquaintances for funds. Especially facebook friends! If I were in these two situations, I would donate to the people you know, Sarah, simply because of the way they handled the request, but I would not even respond to the friends of the OP.

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