My Facebook Friend Is Not Really My Friend

by admin on February 13, 2012

Help me!! I am in the most awkward situation ever. A little background. I was in a wedding as a bridesmaid last year to a friend I was decently close with. I didn’t really know the other bridesmaids, who included one girl who was pregnant, and her two sisters. I didn’t know the pregnant bridesmaid well, but had seen her at 2 or 3 social events outside of the wedding events, so we were acquaintances. The sisters I was completely strangers with. The wedding included a TON of drama, like the bride trying to sabotage the groom’s bachelor party (which in turn jeopardized friendships with groomsmen I was very close with), personal problems her sisters were having, familly problems, etc. Throughout it all I tried to help and slightly pull myself away, but somehow kept getting dragged in. The wedding proceeded, much to the dismay of all the groomsmen, and a year later I have received no thank you cards for presents/bridal shower/bachelorette party and I have cut connections with the bride, as have many of the groomsmen after all the drama. Every now and then she’ll pop in and out and send a text about wanting to see me but never actually proposing plans or writing on my Facebook telling me she misses me. I have not spoken to or seen any of the other bridesmaids, either.

Here’s the awkward part. The pregnant bridesmaid is getting married and sent a Facebook event invite requesting everyone send her their addresses so she can send wedding invitations. At first I thought maybe she sent them to ALL of her friends (being an extreme gift hunter) but noticed the event was to a number of people way less than her friends list. Now, I barely even know the girl, met her fiance once, never have seen the baby (she gave birth), and haven’t even talked to her since that other friend’s wedding. I feel like she’s just trying to get presents (as was my other friend, who included her registry information in her invitation and actually asked me if I thought it was a good idea to write “cash only gifts please” on the invitation!!!!) Is it mean of me to not give my address? I don’t want to be invited! I feel like if I get invited and decline the invite, then I still have to send a present… which according to you is also wrong because gifts should not be expected by the couple.

Please let me know how I can handle this if I get personally asked for my address so an invitation can be mailed. I’m just so sick of random people inviting me to their weddings that I barely know so they can get more presents. 0207-12

Why on earth are you friended with a person you barely know and clearly have no interest in getting to know better?   Delete her off your friend list will solve a lot of problems immediately.

Ignore the request for an address.  Just because someone emails or posts something to Facebook does not mean everyone sees it.   And if you get pressured to give your address, and you do, and assuming you receive a wedding invitation, RSVP that you will not be attending.   It’s as simple as that.

{ 54 comments… read them below or add one }

Angeldrac February 13, 2012 at 5:00 am

I’m sorry, but both the story and the admin’s response sounds a bit mean hearted. I ended up Facebook friends” with a girl I was a co-bridesmaid with, as it became the easiest way to communicate and organize pre-wedding stuff. I imagine that was similar for the OP – so consider that a possible answer to your first question, Admin. The bridesmaid and I don’t community’s much at all anymore, but it’s nice to see what she’s up to and it’ll be good to already have contact with her if we ever need to do anything else for the bride.
Secondly, do we know that the other bridesmaid really is “just after more presents” or is that just an assumption? You’ve said yourself, OP, that she sent a message only to a small amount of people. Maybe she genuinely enjoyed your company over the previous wedding planning. Maybe she likes you and thinks of you as a friend?
I thought that part of being polite and following general etiquette is not to assume the worst of people , but to treat people with respect and courtesy.
Ignore the message if you want OP, it seems the best option if you’re really determined not to go. Or simply respond and decline the ensuring invitation politely and graciously.

Reply

Margo February 13, 2012 at 5:15 am

I agree with admin. ‘de-friend’ her on facebook. (If you are concerned about repercussions, for instance if you have a lot of mutual friends, you can always post a much more general status update first saying you are planning to thin out your facebook friends to limit it to people you reguarly chat with / spend time with in real life etc – she won’t know how many other people, (if any) you deleted.

You don’t have to give your address, and if she gets it some other way (after all, presumably the original bride, possibly some of the other bridesmaids etc may have it and might give it to her to be ‘helpful’) and you do receive an invitation, all that is required of you is that you reply sending your regrets. You are not under any obligation to send a gift.

She may expect a gift in those circumstnaces, but that is not your responsibility (and if you barely know her, and don’t wish to be friends, then it isn’t going to matter if she is annoyed with you for not sending one!)

Reply

MeganAmy February 13, 2012 at 5:29 am

I have many Facebook friends who I like and am interested in their lives, but who I’m not close enough to to invite to big events in my life, and I wouldn’t imagine I’d be invited to their weddings. Just because I wouldn’t think I’d go to someone’s wedding doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be Facebook friends with them.

I think it’s fine to keep her as a Facebook friend. I’d either ignore her request for your address, or send her your address and see if you even make it on the final guest list. She might prune the list down more. Or, do you imagine she’s just getting your address as a favor for the former bride (the one you were a bridesmaid for) because the bride claims to want to get back in touch with you?

You can always RSVP no and send a card. There’s no requirement to send a gift unless you really want to. If you think it’s just a gift grab, then don’t send a gift and don’t go. Just send a card.

Reply

Kimberly February 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

I have to second the admin. on this one. Why are you even Facebook friends with this gal to begin with? If you have no desire to have any kind of interaction with her, delete her now. That solves the problem of having to respond to her wedding invitation.

I am one who does not get this whole mentality of having a bazillion Facebook friends. I am friends with those that I am actually friends with in real life. I don’t friend every Tom, Dick and Harry that requests me to be their friend for whatever reason.

Reply

MellowedOne February 13, 2012 at 8:51 am

I agree with admin 100%.

It’s interesting to note that the dictionary defines the word friend (as relevant here) in 2 ways:
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.

It’s interesting because the OP classifies the problem girl as one she “barely knows”…in other words, even definition 2 would be a stretch. Yet she is a FB “friend” to the OP?

My opinion is that Facebook issues would drop considerably if people would use the first definition when selecting (or allowing) FB friends. Do a ‘wait and see’ on acquaintances to determine if they turn out to be what one could call real friends.

Reply

Angel February 13, 2012 at 9:00 am

I would ignore the request for an address, and not necessarily defriend, but put her on the restricted list so that she doesn’t see you on FB anymore. She will probably think you do not go on that much. I can’t imagine that she’ll keep badgering you for an address–hopefully she will take the hint.

Reply

essie February 13, 2012 at 9:12 am

If you don’t want someone to have your contact information, don’t give it to them (applicable to social relations only). If you receive an invitation that you’re not going to attend, send your regrets. Their motives in asking for the information or inviting you are not a factor.

It IS that simple.

Reply

The Elf February 13, 2012 at 9:41 am

Ah, Facebook. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t get an account, since I hear about things through the grapevine that was old news on Facebook. Then I read stories like this. Thank you for affirming my social network antipathy!

Don’t give out your address unless asked directly. If you do get an invitation, you can politely decline without it being “awkward”. After all, you don’t need to give a reason why you aren’t going. If she presses, then you have a “previous commitment”. You don’t have to send a gift every time you get an invitation. If you want to acknowedge the event, a card will do nicely.

Reply

Molly February 13, 2012 at 10:06 am

I don’t know about the unfriending – if this person is the sort to cause drama over these things, and it sounds like she is, I’d just ignore her, but leave her on facebook. Or just say “I won’t be able to attend, so no need to waste an invitation. Best wishes on your big day!”

Reply

The girl February 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

I’m the girl who sent it in.. I think that having this girl on my Facebook with her only being an acquaintance is not a bad thing— how someone wants to use their Facebook is their own business. I use Facebook not only as a way to connect with friends and relatives, but also as a way of networking, etc. Of course not everyone is on the same list, some people that are closer to me can see more than others on my page, but it does not stop them from sending me invites, etc. I live in a small town and therefore we all semi-know each other, so it’s a little hard to reject friend requests/delete people. I know this wasn’t an invite sent to all of her friends, because the event included about 60 people. It’s just an awkward situation that she thinks we’re more than acquaintances for her to invite me to her wedding. Gah.

Reply

TheVapors February 13, 2012 at 10:15 am

I know that many people use Facebook for different reasons. So, while I don’t necessarily see a problem with the OP being FacebookFriends with this person, I wouldn’t consider her asking for your address as a reason to actually give it to her.

The most polite thing to do might actually be to ignore the request. You’re not obligated to give it out. You’re not obligated to give a gift. (Even if you did get an invite, you’re never obligated to get a gift.) You’re not obligated to care about her wedding in any way. (Except to give a pleasant response if she ever happened to tell you in person.)

If she sends another request in a PM to -just- you, then you can always use a “Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to attend. Congratulations, and I wish you all the best!” You can then ignore any future requests for your address. However, I doubt that she’ll pursue this any further than she already has. Ignore the request, and it’ll likely just go away forever.

Reply

CaffeineKatie February 13, 2012 at 10:16 am

I have Facebook friends I have never met–they are friends of friends or people I share interests with, and I enjoy their posts. I don’t understand the responses advocating limiting FB friends to close friends. Having said that, I also don’t understand why people think “invitation = nice gift”–nope, no how, no way! Invitation calls for a response, and maybe a nice note (if you feel like it) congratulating them. It’s only a gift grab if people give in!

Reply

Lucy February 13, 2012 at 10:31 am

Another mountain out of a molehill.

I have Facebook friends whom I do not know well enough to invite to, say, weddings (and whom I would not expect to invite me to social events). No problem. Whom you friend or don’t friend is nobody else’s business, anyway.

My question is: Why all the stress over something that so surely doesn’t warrant it? Send regrets and move on. She doesn’t need to know why you won’t be there, so all you have to do is tell her sorry, you can’t make it. (And, no, you do not need to send a gift simply for being invited.)

Reply

Cat February 13, 2012 at 10:39 am

Agreed. Ignore the request for address. A friend would have your address already. Don’t create any drama by “unfriending” her. If you do receive an invitation, send your regrets and a nice card.

She’s a new mom and a bride. She’s probably just trying to multi-task and is not trying to put you in a bind. Asking for addresses may be her way of seeing who really would like to attend and who would be happy being somewhere else on that day.

Reply

Bibianne February 13, 2012 at 10:40 am

Good Lord… refuse said request and then BLOCK any request done by that person. Been there, done that,… and so much less drama in MY life.

Reply

Edhla February 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

Wow, so much judgement from many posters about Facebook friends.

Look, some people “friend” every Tom, Dick and Harry. They meet someone once, they “friend” them. Others only “friend” the people they’d remortgage their house to lend money to without questioning why. Most people, like myself, are somewhere in the middle. My Facebook “friends” range from my mother and sisters, to old co-workers, some people from a church I no longer attend, and a handful of people I met on an unrelated website and speak with regularly, but have never met in person. The common thread is that I care enough about these people to want to know how they’re doing, and I assume they feel the same way about me. People are taking the word “friend” far, far too literally/intimately. Facebook is a social network. It is whatever you want it to be. If people want to “friend” those they barely know so they have a contact thread with that person (whether they ever use it or not) is that such a crime?

Sorry, but this has come up here before, people berating those who have Facebook or use it the way it was intended (as a social networking tool) by getting uppity about “get some real friends” “stop being so fake, if you wouldn’t invite them to a wedding you have no right to have them as Facebook friends” etc.

Reply

elizabeth February 13, 2012 at 11:07 am

I would ignore the request for now. If she sends you a more personal request for your address, then go ahead and give it to her. If an invite comes, decline it. It would be entirely acceptable to just send a card-There’s no need to send a gift.

Reply

Melissa February 13, 2012 at 11:09 am

A couple was killed in Tennessee over defriending someone on Facebook. Might not be a bad idea to be a bit more choosy over who we add in the first place.

Although, I really think that is an isolated incident. I would hope.

Reply

Lola February 13, 2012 at 11:33 am

Whatever you do, please do not do the dreaded Facebook announcement about cleaning up your friend list. It makes one sound grandiose and presumptuous. Most people quietly defriend and make no fuss about it.

Reply

Cat2 February 13, 2012 at 12:09 pm

To answer the real question here: If you don’t want to give out your address (and are not publicly listed somewhere that she could easily get it anyway), then if she follows up with a personal request, you answer “Thanks for thinking of me, but I wouldn’t be able to attend, and prefer not to give out my address.” and let her think you’re a loon. Who CARES? The only people she would be able to make hash out of such an answer are not the people you are really friends with.

If your address is easily accessible, then hand it over, and go right ahead and rsvp “no”. Because an invitation is not a command performance, or a bill. You certainly would not want to foster the idea that it is either in the mind of anyone who would think that it was – which brings us right back to – the only people that she could make hash out of this with are people you are not really friends with and therefore have little to no actual impact on your life.

You are not responsible for how she reacts to any of this. You are only responsible for how you react. Don’t try to manage her reaction. Do what is logical and makes sense in the greater context. Generally, the only people who would be offended by that are people whose expectations are overboard, and that is not your responsibility to “manage”.

Reply

David February 13, 2012 at 12:27 pm

If you live in a small town and everyone kind of knows everyone else, then the best thing to do would be to just ignore the post requesting your address. I only have 14 friends on Facebook and 9 are family; even with so few people, I don’t see everything everyone writes. So it’s perfectly okay if you miss one or two posts from someone, especially if they post a lot.

Reply

MellowedOne February 13, 2012 at 12:35 pm

@Edhla,

People are going to have varying opinions and degrees of feeling, and will express them as such on a community forum. Is it “judgemental” for expressing them, or judgemental when they differ from your opinion?

Reply

Parka Pat February 13, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Just quietly defriend the girl. You no longer have the wedding in common and no particular reason to remain FB friends.

Reply

bansidhe February 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I have never met a fair number of my Facebook friends. Two of them are “accidental” friends: I have a very common name and they thought I was someone else. I’m glad they did, as they are both really neat people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having more casual Facebook friends! There is no requirement that they all must be BFFs or family.

Admin’s advice is spot-on about dealing with the invite, though. Just don’t provide an address, or if that ends up being awkward, send your regrets and wish the couple the best of luck.

Reply

Stacey Frith-Smith February 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I’m a complete wimp- I’d give the address, decline the invitation, and send a token gift (not from the registry, just a small and thoughtful trinket of a few dollars and a bit of shopping time. Bottle of wine and a card with “best wishes”? Small assortment of chocolates or soaps and lotion? Easy. $20 or less.) Why? As OP said herself- there has already been a great deal of drama. In this case, time and distance are her best friends. She can walk a middle road that doesn’t leave her tired and drained either financially or socially, and appeases the little voice we have in our heads that tells us to play “nicely”, especially when we know someone is struggling. (My impression from OP’s description of the backstory is that this former bridesmaid is not as “together” as she might like to be when preparing for marriage). Strictly an opinion, and certainly not what many etiquette mavens would advise!

Reply

Xtina February 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm

If she’s not a bad sort of person to have on your Friends list, then just keep here there and ignore the request for addresses. If she contacts you more personally and asks for it, give it, or if you know the date of the event, say that you already know you can’t attend and don’t want to have her waste an invitation on you (and “it was nice of you to think of me”). You are under no obligation to attend or send a gift no matter what the outcome here. Remember that although she may think you’re a closer friend than you do, it’s still a free country and she can invite you to her event, but likewise, you don’t have to attend and go into detail as to why not.

Agree with Lola; if you are going to defriend, just do it quietly and don’t make a big announcement–it just calls unnecessary attention to what you are doing.

Reply

Meghan February 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I think un-friending the bride-to-be is an overly harsh response to the request for an address. I completely agree with TheVapors. Just ignore the mass request. It will probably end there. If you do get a message only to you, and you know the date of the wedding (it’s sort of hard to say you won’t be able to come when you don’t know when it is), then just say, oh sorry, I can’t make it, but congratulations. If you don’t know the date, and you don’t feel weird about it, you can give her your address, and then decline when you receive the invite. Either way, if you are not close to this person, then you don’t have any obligation to send a gift. A card would be nice, but is also not required. Try not to assume it’s a gift grab. It might be, but you have no way of knowing, and a more charitable assumption will make this less fraught for you. Either way, don’t sweat it too much.

Also, as someone pointed out above if you decide to un-friend (which it doesn’t sound like you want to OP, and it’s your facebook page, so do what you want) please, please, please don’t put up that horrible I’m-thinning-my-friend-list message. Gack. That’s just awful. No one needs to know when you decide to cut the list. Just cut it.

Reply

kudeebee February 13, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Sounds like you friended her simply for wedding related situations. The wedding is now over, she is not someone you really want to spend time with–so don’t send her your address. Best way would be to unfriend her and forget about it. If she does get your address, send in “no” as your rsvp and don’t send a gift.

Reply

Cat Whisperer February 13, 2012 at 2:37 pm

“….Is it mean of me to not give my address?….”

Short answer: no, it is not mean to not give your address. You are not obligated to give your address to anyone unless you want to give it to them.

“….Please let me know how I can handle this if I get personally asked for my address so an invitation can be mailed….”

Short answer: you tell the person, in a polite tone of voice and with a polite smile, “Oh, thank you for wanting to ask me, that’s so thoughtful; but this is a very awkward time for me because of things I have going on, and it would be better if I saved you the trouble of sending me an invitation, because I just don’t know how I could manage to accept. Congratulations and I hope you have a very special day! I’m so happy for you! Now if you’ll please excuse me, I have a meeting/phone call/appointment I have to get ready for, it was so nice to see you and I’m so happy for you!” And you make a graceful exit.

There is a word that you can learn that will save you untold amounts of drama, grief, inconvenience and actual trouble. That word is “No.” There seems to be a mistaken belief that there is something impolite or rude about using this word, when in fact the opposite is true: it is impolite and rude to get yourself into situations that you don’t want to be involved in, and then spend endless amounts of time kvetching and complaining about the awful situation you got into with all these awful people. People who might actually be under the (mistaken) impression that you like them, are friends with them, and who might be hurt and shocked to find that you’re smiling in their faces and accepting their invitations, and then blathering to people about what an awful time you had at their event. And telling people how awful you think these people whose invitations you accepted really are.

If someone you don’t like wants to advance their relationship with you from acquaintance to friend, politely refuse their advances and keep them at the distance you feel comfortable with. If someone you don’t like invites you to an event you don’t want to go to, politely refuse the invitation. That ends your etiquette obligations towards them.

There is nothing impolite about the word “no” and a refusal of a request. But it is very impolite, and in fact an etiquette felony of the first degree, to accept an invitation from someone and then go behind their back and talk about how awful they are, what a gimme-pig, and how you hated the whole drama-filled scenario. If you can’t accept an invitation with pleasure and can’t attend the event without feeling martyred, your etiquette obligation is to politely refuse to be involved. And that’s a lot less rude than attending and kvetching and belly-aching afterwards.

Reply

Gracie C. February 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I don’t think that defriending is necessary. Though I’m curious how many times the OP gets invited to weddings of people she barely knows. LOL

Re: FB. It always cracks me up when people use the E-hell stories about FB as their “supporting evidence” for not having a page. By all means, if you don’t want to join FB, don’t, but please do not assume anything you read here on elsewhere is the normal FB experience. FB, just like all things in life, is what you make it. By that logic, you’d have to never attend a wedding or other type event, quit your jobs to avoid annoying co-workers/bosses, end all your relationships to keep away annoying/disfunctional family members/friends/significant others. Submissions to E-hell are fun, but they are (thankfully) the minority in most circumstances.

@MellowedOne – I have to agree with Edhla. I think there are a lot of judgemental comments re: FB (from all sides). I think it’s fine for you to use FB however you see fit. I interpret FB as a different kind of tool, one where the word “friend” isn’t meant to be taken literally. You see it differently, and that’s cool. Luckily we don’t get to decide each other’s friends. But when you start quoting dictionary definitions it totally comes across (to me anyway) as a “reprimand” to those of us that don’t interpret it that way. Like we’re too dense to know what the word friend means and all of our problems would be solved if only we understood. I’m sure that’s not what you mean, but that’s how it comes across. I laugh at most of the FB related stories here, but have not personally encountered many of the situations regardless of the fact that you (and many others here) would definitely disagree with many of the people I have chosen to connect with there because they aren’t textbook definitions of friends.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile February 13, 2012 at 2:54 pm

If she nags you for the address, you might wish to pre-emptively give your address, and tell her to save her money on the invitation.

By all means, if you feel pressured to send a gift, go ahead and send a card. Card only, though – no money. A card, with a nice note wishing her well is good enough.

Reply

Wink-n-Smile February 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

10 – Since she hasn’t yet sent the invite, but you know she is planning to, I suggest making a previous engagment as soon as possible. Pleading a previous engagement is one of the best ways to decline an invitation while saving the “friendship” for possible future use.

Send your regrets and best wishes, only, and if anyone asks why you didn’t go, say that you had a previous engagement.

If you’re not sure when she’s planning on having the wedding, I guess it’s time to get busy making lots of previous engagements at all the typical wedding-day times. Note, those previous engagements CAN be doing laundry, cleaning out the garage, or just diving into a good book. If you have them on the calendar, then they’re previous engagements. And if your previous engagements do not involve anyone else, you can reschedule them to your heart’s content, if something should come up.

Reply

Claire February 13, 2012 at 3:08 pm

“The most awkward situation ever”?? sounds like the bride isn’t the only drama queen in this story…..

It’s just facebook. Get over it, get off it, get her off your friends list. Its not like someone you see daily has tried to invite you to something you don’t want to go to.

Reply

Ashley February 13, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t it a little presumptuous (not sure if that’s the right word for it >.<) to assume that getting an invite from an acquantice means they just want more gifts? Call me naive, but it could just be an unusual way of her wanting to get to know you better. Maybe she took a shine to you at the wedding? I don't know it just sounded kind of mean to assume that :/

Also, Admin you sound way too surprised to find out that the OP has people on her Facebook that she doesn't even know xD Almost everyone's is like that, even mine but it's not a big deal to me.

Reply

AS February 13, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I love this site, but sometimes it just seems to be taking the etiquette too far ending up judging people too harshly. There is a simple explanation to the BTB’s request for OP’s address – it is that BTB considers OP a close enough friend and wants to invite her to the wedding. It is evident that OP and BTB are not on the same page regarding their friendship. But that does not mean that BTB’s request is a gift grab, especially given that she has not asked everyone on her list, neither does she mention anything about the gift. I don’t see a reason to put her in e-hell.

Secondly, I can understand the reasoning behind not including registry info’ with the wedding invites. But not all couples read this website, and many probably think that putting the info’ is just for pointers and don’t really expect gifts (I would have too, because if I had not read this website, it would not have occurred to me that registry info’ could be constructed by some people to mean that I expect gifts). The “I am better than thou” attitude is just as appalling as gift registry cards included in the invite are. I would not include registry info’ in my wedding invite; but I am not willing to throw my good friends into e-hell just because I found their registry info’ in their wedding invite (provided they do not exhibit any other bride/groomzilla or gift grab attitudes).

I did not quite understand if OP was talking about the same person who included the registry info’ in wedding card and also asked about wanting to include “cash only” in their invite. But even if she asked, she probably wanted advise from the OP and there is no need to have the “holier than thou” attitude.

Finally, there is a slot for checking “no” in the RSVP card. And you are not obliged to send her a gift if you don’t want to.

Reply

AS February 13, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Also adding to my previous post, I wanted to comment on OP’s last sentence I’m just so sick of random people inviting me to their weddings that I barely know so they can get more presents.

I am not sure how many “random people” are inviting you to their weddings. But planning my own wedding, I know that I have to really cut down the guest list by a lot because feeding and giving favors for each guest costs quite a bit these days. I have been to a few weddings myself, and I am quite sure that the the amount the hosts spent on me to attend their wedding is way more than what I paid to purchase a gift to give them (as the admin herself had said before, gifts should match the cost of the plate is a myth).
So if more than one person has “randomly” invited OP for their wedding, then the OP either has a different opinion about who are her friends, or there is a gimme bug going around the group her group of friends/acquaintances. Otherwise, the OP is looking for an excuse to find fault with her friends so that she can feel good about herself.

Reply

Elle February 13, 2012 at 6:37 pm

There have been a lot of Facebook postings lately.

People need to stop taking it so seriously.

Reply

German Shepherd February 13, 2012 at 7:01 pm

If she’s only an acquaintance and you really don’t interact with her, click No on the event page or ignore it completely. If she asks for you address, give it and then R.S.V.P. with a no.

You’re right – gifts aren’t expected. If the bride-to-be makes a fuss about your not giving her a present after the wedding, then you know to un-friend her. I’d also give her the benefit of the doubt; maybe she’s not like your friend who only sought out gifts. She may also want to get to know you better (and I imagine with a new baby and engagement, she hasn’t had much social time). Just a thought.

I agree with Lucy – don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

Reply

Edhla February 13, 2012 at 7:59 pm

MellowedOne,

It is judgemental to tell someone who is their “friend”, and whether they should or shouldn’t “friend” someone on Facebook, based on YOUR definition of “friend.” It is also judgemental to get on one’s high horse and carry on as if one is a better/more moral person for only “friending” certain people, and implying “this would never have happened if you only friended your REAL friends.”

Reply

babs February 13, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Goodness. What did we do to guilt ourselves into stuff before Facebook? This is a no-brainer. Facebook invites are very impersonal. It’s the equivalent of sending out a mass email. I wouldn’t unfriend her. Just ignore it for now. Like some others have said, if she messages you personally, then you can give her your address (if you wish) and then decline if you don’t have an interest in going. If you ignore and she pursues and you don’t want to be invited, respond with something like, “Oh I’m sorry, since we really don’t know each other well, I thought you had sent this to your whole friend list. I don’t believe I would be able to commit to attending, but I wish you well, and thank you so much for thinking of me!”
Since you two really don’t know each other, I’m sure she won’t lose any sleep over your non-response.

Reply

Edhla February 13, 2012 at 10:46 pm

MellowedOne,

You took this so personally, as if I were replying specifically to you. What an interesting assumption.

It is judgemental, and extremely bad manners, to tell other people they should define “friend” the same way you do, to tell them who they should or shouldn’t have “friended” on Facebook, and act as though one is better than they are for using a social networking site differently to the way they do, or for not using it at all.

Reply

Allie February 13, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I don’t understand what the big, awkward problem is. Ignore. Delete. Done.

Reply

Addy February 14, 2012 at 3:40 am

Is anybody else curious about what was going on at the bachelor party that the bride wanted to sabotage and why the groomsmen were so upset about it? No? Just me?

Reply

Jen a. February 14, 2012 at 5:24 am

@Edhla

I agree! To me the point of facebook is to network with people I wouldn’t necessarily be able to call on the phone. It’s a great resource for news, and a quick way to contact people. I feel that facebook (or Twitter, or pinterest, or whatever) are tools for networking and communication. They can be very useful, but because they are fairly new (and ever-changing) it can be very difficult to establish norms when it comes to interacting with them. People have different expectations, and I think that’s why we’ll see more and more facebook rants on this site.

Reply

vanessaga February 14, 2012 at 6:31 am

I agree on the judgement of FB usage. Its my Facebook, I can have whoever I want on there and that wasn’t at all the point of the story. The post a few weeks ago about chain posts-people were downright snobbish and condescending about a social network started by a college student. It’s hardly the junior league. I don’t understand why everyone is so interested in how everyone else chooses to execute their virtual lifestyle.

Reply

essie February 14, 2012 at 8:02 am

On the other hand, maybe she wants to get to know you better. Isn’t that how you make friends? You meet people casually a few times and enjoy their company, then make opportunities to get to know them better?

I read your letter several times and I don’t see where her behavior was objectionable, yet because she knows the bridezilla well enough to be her bridesmaid, you’re assuming she, too, is a gimme pig. (Given the exact same circumstances, she doesn’t seem to have made that assumption about you.)

If you really live in a small town, she knows where you live, even if she doesn’t have it in her address book – or she’ll get it from the phone book, internet, or another mutual friend/acquaintance.

Reply

MellowedOne February 14, 2012 at 8:25 am

Gracie C, although that is not what I meant, the fact that you feel that way still matters. For the record, when posting my opinion on a story I tend to do it in a certain manner.. I try to explain my opinion in a ‘after giving it much thought this is why I have come to the opinion I have’ manner. Sometimes the ‘dryness’ of such a post can get misinterpreted, but I never really thought about it until you brought it up. I will try to do better :)

edhla, I’m not sure where you are coming from, but the only reason I can ascertain your inflammatory statements (and they are many) is that you possess some personal definition of what should and shouldn’t be posted on this site and choose to be the “post police”. Yes, I do take issue with this because it is exceptionally rude to criticize anyone here for their opinion. And, for the record, in my original post, I DID state, “IN MY OPINION…”.

Reply

Library Diva February 14, 2012 at 3:16 pm

It would be interesting to study how etiquette and technology interact. I bet if you could survey etiquette advice throughout the 20th century, you’d see this type of dilemma crop up over and over:

Is it OK to replace a telephone call with a personal visit, on some occasions? May thank-you notes be typewritten rather than handwritten? What is the proper type of greeting for an answering machine message, how much information should you leave, and how quickly should you expect a response? Is it rude to screen calls? Under what circumstances is it acceptable to use a mobile phone number, if you have it? If someone faxes you some information, do you need to fax them back to let them know it arrived? How long is too long to wait on responding to an email? And onward, now into Facebook.

Rather than get upset with one another, or with Facebook dilemmas in general, maybe we should look at it in a more positive way. All of us, together, are pioneers in a brand-new frontier in etiquette! And, as our ancestors did with the telephone and the fax, we will figure it out eventually, as well. It’s just that we’re in the challenging period until we sort it out, right now.

Back to the OP, I too wouldn’t take it so seriously. I side with the posters who advise you to just ignore the request. Is it possible that it was sent to you in error, since you say you’re not close friends with the girl and it wasn’t spammed to everyone? It’s possible that she feels just as awkwardly about all this as you do!

Reply

Edhla February 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm

MellowedOne-

My comments are always moderated by the admin. If you object to anything I write that she herself has approved, then take it up with her.

Posting “in my opinion” does not give one the right to post something rude, judgmental or offensive. Would it be all right if I posted “in my opinion, MellowedOne, you are…” and then posted all manner of rude, abusive things? I think not. “In my opinion” is not a declaration of open season to be ignorant or offensive. This is an etiquette site, not a “see how offensive my opinions can be before I get into trouble for it” site.

How interesting that you make excuse for yourself as simply being “dry” in one paragraph, and explain that you are simply being misinterpreted, and yet in the next paragraph (actually in the one sentence!) you claim to not be sure where I’m coming from, but be CERTAIN that I’m being inflammatory.

Once again, I was not replying specifically to you. However, if the shoe fits…

On the subject of the original post- OP, if the request comes through (and there’s no guarantee it will!) I don’t think it would be a violation of etiquette to simply apologise and say you are unable to attend. It’s not even a white lie.

Reply

MellowedOne February 15, 2012 at 8:01 am

Getting back to topic…

I was watching one of the ‘judge’ tv shows on yesterday (like to watch while doing my housework), and a case came on involving a man and, you guessed it, his FB page! Apparently the man accepted a friendship request from a woman he didn’t know, solely because her profile pic showed her to be a gorgeous woman in a bikini, and as he put it, ‘well, I’m a man, you know, and when I saw that…’
Turns out the “woman” was a bill collector secretly trying to access the man’s page so he could harass him for payment. He also harassed the plaintiff’s family on their FB pages.

The judge told the bill collector he was wrong for doing that, because he did not identify himself as a collector, a requirement under the Fair Collections act.

However, the judge did advise the man (who accepted the friend request) that perhaps he set some parameters on the people he allows to be on his page.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: