Your Momma Wouldn’t Approve

by admin on June 25, 2012

My wife of 20 years died and after it was time to re-enter life, I found that almost everyone now uses dating-on-line sites instead of the old fashioned way of meeting first.

I read through the profiles and found someone who appeared, on paper, to be perfect. She was a flight attendant, cultured, with several talented children, well-spoken and attractive. We starting writing then calling and things seemed marvelous, except she lived in a different city, but she seemed such a winner, I chose to fly to meet her.

I was new to internet dating, so had previously met in coffee shops, which was quite awkward and a terrible way to actually get to know someone. She insisted our first meeting to be at a fancy restaurant of her choice, which I accepted gladly, as I had missed the fun of having someone with whom to share a nice restaurant.

Somewhat to my surprise she was 40-60 minutes late, but it worked out well for me, as I was able to get to be friends with the bartender, the owner and his wife, even the violin player. Everyone was holding their breath to see how it worked out for us, and if she would actually come. She did finally arrive and was stunning. The owner gave us the finest table, with rose petals strewn, and the violinist really made it a special, wonderful evening.

She was flirty but said she was rather shy and not to expect intimacy until we knew each other well, which was fine with me, as it was the way I was raised, too.

I was surprised when I saw her apartment. (I didn’t realize that divorced women usually lost the nice house they lived in, but retained their beautiful furniture, now housed in a shabby apartment.) The inside of the apartment was elegantly decorated, the outside was somewhat grim, but she explained that’s what a divorced woman with two kids could afford, which made sense to me.

Several weeks later she flew to see me, and I was truly excited, wondering if she would become my next wife. I took her to My favorite spots, my restaurants where I was known, but was horrified at the way she treated the wait staff and even the owners of the places I took her….snapping her fingers to the owner and saying things like, “Boy, bring me some ice water.” This red flag confused me, and I literally went to each of the places the next day, alone, to apologize for her behavior. It got too much to take her out in public, so I told her I would cook her a nice dinner, as I like to cook. I cooked a fine meal, then she insisted we eat outside, which made no sense, as it was over 100 degrees outside and muggy as could be, but I had given up trying to reason with her, so sat sweating in the hot sun with the food going bad.

I was very surprised when she got a phone call from her similarly financially-distressed best girlfriend, who wanted to make plans to go on vacation for a week with her the next week. I became more surprised when they decided on Vegas and the most expensive resort in Vegas. When she got off the phone, I asked, confused, how she could afford such a lavish vacation when she was having troubles even paying her utility bills. She smiled and said, “Well, you see how beautiful I am, right? I get all dressed up, then go stand in the lobby of the Resort next to the VIP check-in desk. It doesn’t take long before a checking-in man will ask me if I’m with anyone, then I end up spending the week with him, meaning I get free room, fancy meals, entertainment, and I try to push them into taking me to the finest stores and jewelry shops. Why, last month I was able to pawn the jewelry I got for over $10,000.00”

My jaw dropped. I was literally dating one of the girls your Mom always told me about. Though I had said nothing, she saw my face and got livid. She disappeared into the house and came out somewhat slurred. I spent an anxious night awake on the sofa, awaiting her plane in the morning, for fear in her out-of-control state she might do harm to my pets. In the morning I tried to be as cheerful as possible as I sped to the airport, and let her out at the curb, saying it was fun. I trembled as I drove home and didn’t date again for a long time.   0619-12

 

{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }

AthenaC June 26, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Calliope and The Elf –

Regarding the “mutually agreed arrangement,” far be it from me to butt into whatever consenting adults do, but I still find the arrangement a bit sad. I used to know a particular gentleman who was successful who had simply accepted the fact that all the women in his life (estranged wife, daughters, girlfriend) expected him to pay for a lot of things. What seemed sad to me was the way he accepted this; as if that was the entire motivation anyone in his life spent time with him. Not because of his personality or his intelligence or his gentleness; because of the way he would pay for things.

Btw – Cat Whisperer, I just realized that I addressed you as “Cat” rather than your full name. My apologies.

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Calliope June 26, 2012 at 7:41 pm

AthenaC, I can definitely grasp the sadness in an arrangement like that. My comment was meant to address the people who seemed eager to heap judgment on the woman for “taking advantage” of men, as if the men who showered her with gifts in exchange for her companionship were blameless saps instead of willing participants in the arrangement. I mean, it could easily be argued that the wealthy men were taking advantage of her by exploiting her need or desire for money in order to satisfy their own desires. In an arrangement like this, both people are using each other.

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Jared Bascomb June 26, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Adding a comment before reading all the previous ones (sorry!) so maybe someone already mentioned this . . .

OP, I was struck by how you didn’t want to meet up for your first “date” at a coffeehouse because that really *is* the new protocol: meet the new person in an informal but public setting before even thinking about going out to an expensive restaurant, etc.

It’s not perfect, and it’s certainly not romantic, but at least you might get *some* idea of what this new person who wants to be in your life is like. (And not to be totally shallow, but you can also verify that s/he looks like the picture s/he posted online and that s/he didn’t post a decades-old photo or worse, a photo of someone else!)

I advise this even if you’ve spent money on airfare, and maybe even more so: You may have shot a few hundred bucks on airfare, but if your “date” isn’t what you expected, you can still spend some time exploring a new city and *not* spending more money on someone who doesn’t deserve it . . . or your time, or your emotions.

You sound like a great guy, so keep looking – even on the internet!

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Beth Erickson June 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

thanks for the update-congratulations!

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Just4kicks June 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I am so sorry for your loss!!! You mentioned several places around town where you are known, how about starting there? Put a few ‘feelers’ out in the places you like to frequent and maybe someone can introduce you to someone they know who shares some of your tastes. Best of Luck to you in finding love again!

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Just4kicks June 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oops…I commented before reading all the other posts and updates. Congratulations on your marriage and heartfelt wishes for a lifetime of love and happiness!!!

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NicoleK June 30, 2012 at 8:22 am

Yeah, this would be why people meet in boring old coffee shops instead of flying to another state and going to a fancy restaurant.

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Enna July 5, 2012 at 11:11 am

I do agree with Calliope – women like this do tend to attract a certain type of man who is no better.

It was rude the way she bragged about it – to someone she was dating! Doesn’t matter if it is old-fashioned courting or modern internet dating you do not “cheat” on your date unless you are both agree that you are seeing other people. From what the OP was saying he does want to settle down again as he doesn’t want to be on his own. Interesting the woman said she didn’t want to get intimate with him to begin with, in light of what she said maybe she was bored? Doesn’t excuse her behaviour though. OP was lucky to get out when he didn although I would’ve dumped any date if they were rude to others.

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