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Death By Sex

This is short and nowhere near sweet.

Four hours after our wedding and during our reception, my husband tragically died. He was a fit and healthy 27 year old with no medical problems, he simply collapsed and that was it. The autopsy found nothing medically wrong with him and it was attributed to SADS [Sudden Adult Death Syndrome] also known as SUND [Sudden Unexplained Death].

This was incredibly hard as I’m sure you can imagine and eighteen months later I still wear my wedding ring and still consider myself married.

A new Co-Worker started at my place of work and after our Christmas Party she commented on how my husband wasn’t there. I explained what happened and the following is a verbatim exchange of what was said:

Co-Worker:  “So you never consummated the marriage?”

Me: “…Well, clearly not.”

Co-Worker:  “Well, it’s not like it was a real marriage then was it? You shouldn’t be wearing that ring.”

And this was said with the most dismissive tone you can imagine, as if I should have been fine about my husband dying because we hadn’t yet had sex as a married couple. I would like to say I took the moral high ground and responded with an Etiquette Hell worthy reply, but I did nothing of the kind.

I punched her in the face hard enough to bust her nose and told her that my marriage was as real as her now broken nose, then walked out.

I know violence is never acceptable and that I never should have sunk to such a level, but I like to think, if I ever felt the need to ask, that the Etiquette Gods would forgive me this once. 0817-12


For future reference, at the moment anyone asks the question regarding the consummation of the marriage, you should stare at her/him like she/he was an alien with five eyeballs and purple snot dripping from the nose, a perfect mixture of horror and disgust flitting across your face.   I know we live in a very sexualized culture but darn it, no one needs to know the details of your sex life.  If only we would start making the line in the sand that certainly gets crossed when there are comments and questions about happens when two lovers are buck naked.   Thwarted at knowing the status of your sex life four hours after marriage, the co-worker would have never gotten to the nasty punch line.   Saying nothing allows the busybody the luxury of imagining that hubby died suddenly after a steamy encounter in the limo going from the church to the reception hall.

And no, Ehell cannot officially condone violence in response to insensitive verbal blather that was meant to hurt.  If every instance of verbal idiocy were met with an escalation into violence, this would become a very uncivil world to live in.   Honestly, all you did was lower your level ways below co-worker’s and smacked a pig.  As Horatio Hornblower said in a gun duel to his slimy, despicable, cheating opponent, “You’re not worth the powder,” meaning that this disgusting piece of subhumanity wasn’t worth the cost of the bullet and  gun powder to shoot him.  I am sure there will be plenty of commentators to this post who will revel in the action of busting the co-worker’s nose and cheer you on but they are wrong to encourage you to lower your dignity that way.   It may have felt good for the moment but I am far more concerned for your long term good image of yourself.


{ 102 comments… add one }
  • David August 23, 2012, 12:06 pm

    OP, I am sorry for your loss and sorry that something like this happened to you.

  • Timothy August 23, 2012, 12:07 pm

    @Katie, from what I can tell, bean-dipping is basically changing the subject. For example, during a party, if someone says something hurtful or offensive, redirecting them by saying “Have you tried this bean dip?” Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

    OP, I am stunned that anyone would say something like that to a near-stranger! I can’t condone the punch to the face, for more than just etiquette reasons, but I can understand it as an automatic reaction.

  • Kovi August 23, 2012, 12:10 pm

    Of course I can never condone the violence, but I do indeed think that in this case, your actions can be forgiven by most. You were extremely provoked, and I understand how such a horrible, insensitive comment can make you lose all control over your actions, if just for a second. I hope no charges were brought up or anything like that, but if they were I doubt that much more would happen, unless she had to go to a hospital.

    My prayers are with you. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through all this time.

  • Goodness August 23, 2012, 12:28 pm

    OP, I would think that rather than being easier to take because it wasn’t ‘real,’ your sudden loss of your brand-new husband would be hugely devastating. My heart goes out to you.

    I wouldn’t have punched Rude Coworker in the nose — I’d probably have burst into tears and run away, leaving her with the satisfaction of knowing that her arrows hit their mark. OK, violence is inelegant, but it’s better than that! But I think I know where the nasty co-worker was coming from: there’s a popular belief that a marriage isn’t legal until it’s consummated, and many people confuse ‘legal’ with ‘real.’ That doesn’t excuse either her nosiness or her callousness, but it does make it less baffling.

    I’m not a lawyer, but am a clergyperson who’s performed a few marriages. My understanding is while it doesn’t require consummation to make a marriage legal, non-consummation can be used to dispute a marriage’s validity: for instance, should a citizen marry a non-citizen solely to allow them to stay in the country, Immigration can use non-consummation to make a case for immigration fraud. Or if one spouse marries expecting there to be a sexual side to it and the other can’t/won’t, spouse # 1 can get an annulment, the meaning of which (at law — we’re not talking about feelings just now) is that it was not a true marriage to begin with.

    I hope your grief grows less with time, and that you have the happy life you deserve.

  • Cat August 23, 2012, 12:31 pm

    I cannot being to imagine how you must feel. The closest I have ever come to hitting another woman was when I was upset that my mother had terminal cancer, was dying, and I had to work so I could not be with her. A fellow teacher, who knew I was an adopted child, asked, “Why are you so upset? It’s not like she’s your real mother.” She was the only mother I ever knew and she was real enough to me.
    As to punching her, it was probably an immediate response. I don’t fault you for it. As a Christian, I try to turn the other cheek and might have mooned her (sorry, I had to say it), but my response would have been, “What? Jesus Christ was a bastard and His Mother an unwed mother?!”

  • Goodness August 23, 2012, 12:32 pm

    @ Jen A. — When asked, Nasty Coworker would be more likely to respond, in confused and aggrieved tones, “OP punched me in the nose, for no reason!” People that clueless usually don’t understand cause and effect.

  • Library Diva August 23, 2012, 1:53 pm

    OP, I’m so sorry for your loss. While certainly punching people is never socially acceptable or a good idea, I can understand why you did it. Imagine the gall of saying that to someone you just met. That entire line of conversation should never have been opened at all — it’s none of this woman’s business why your husband wasn’t at the company Christmas party in the first place. And what she followed it up with is just appalling and awful and yes, punch-worthy. It speaks well of you that you don’t seem to be very proud of punching this woman, even though you do feel (and I agree, as would most people!) that you were justified in doing so.

    Another thought I had, and I hope this isn’t out of line. It’s very sad that your husband’s “clock” had only 27 years on it, and it must have been truly awful for you to lose your husband on your wedding day. But for him, he went out on a high note, during one of the happiest days of his life, a day filled with friends and family, love and laughter. His last day was a beautiful day, and his final thoughts on this earth were probably happy ones. I hope there’s a little comfort in that for you.

  • travestine August 23, 2012, 2:53 pm

    OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a brother to the same thing- it’s almost impossible to explain the pain when someone young and fit just drops dead for no apparent reason. Bless you and your future.

    I’d like to think your husband was with you, guiding your fist. xoxo

    And I pray there were no repercussions at your workplace or by lawsuit. Someone that ridiculous is just likely to be punitive.

  • StephM August 23, 2012, 2:56 pm

    @JGM1764: When someone starts talking about something inappropriate, you change the topic completely.
    “How’s your sex life?”
    “Have you tried the beandip? It’s quite delicious. I’m going to go get some” or “Have you finished your TPS reports? Boss wants those done on Friday.”

    OP, I really wish that you had not punched that woman. As others have already said, you opened yourself up to a lot of legal trouble. Even screaming at her would have been a better option. But I cannot condemn you for it.

  • Rod August 23, 2012, 3:06 pm

    At the risk of going all Nietzsche, sometimes things go “Beyond Etiquette and Boorishness”. As much as this is an etiquette breach on the part of the OP, I think those e-sins are small compared to the whole situation.

    I am a trained EMT, but don’t practice in an ambulance. If I see someone in an emergency, say choking or drowning, I’m not going to exchange pleasantries and calling cards. The situation dictates for acting according to the circumstances, which sometimes supersede conventional etiquette.

    As such, I don’t think the story is appropriate for eHell. Not because it is bad, it just goes, in my opinion, beyond what conventional etiquette can dictate. But this is a matter of opinion – eHell’s admin clearly states that once something reaches physical violence you’ve reached a level below what any verbal abuser can reach. I disagree, but defer to her authority.

    I actually consider it more of a “learning” moment for oneself. Now the OP knows that under certain circumstances, she’ll react (instead of responding) violently and this probably is better if managed carefully. It is good to know and manage that. Assuming it is not a recurrent issue, this is valuable knowledge. As the Romans said “ira furor brevis est” – rage is a brief madness.

    Hopefully this will not have had lasting negative effects for the OP – suits, demotions, etc. This is the part of the “respond, don’t react” part. I am not saying punching the person is unwarranted, but one should weigh the positive and negative outcomes of our action.

    PS- paraphrasing R.A. Heinlein, violence can indeed be a solution. It does lead to many dire and often unsatisfactory results that oftentimes are not intended.

  • Jenn50 August 23, 2012, 3:09 pm

    JGM1764: “Bean Dipping” is changing the subject when someone steers the conversation somewhere you’re uncomfortable with. As in,

    Rude Ronnie: “Was your marriage consummated?”

    OP: “That’s rather personal to be discussing at work. Have you tried the bean dip? It’s fabulous!”

  • sv August 23, 2012, 3:09 pm

    @JGM1764 – “Beandipping” is changing the subject. Example: You are at a party and someone is talking about something you have no intention of getting involved in, so you simply change the subject by saying, ” Have you tried the bean dip? ” Hence, beandipping 🙂

  • Op August 23, 2012, 3:20 pm

    Op here.

    Thank you all so much for your kind words, I do appreciate them. I generally do not mind talking about my husband, I absolutely adore him and love to tell people about him. When ahe forst asked, I did just say I was a widow. But as is common because of my age, people do ask what happened, so that’s why I explained it to her. I never onve expected to get her reapo

    As for work wise, I actually quit. I was already looking for another job anyway, and this was

    just the kick up the backside I needed to leave. Thankfully she never pressed criminal charges because as you rightly point out, I would have no defense. Believe it or not, I am not actually a violent person! My husband would be laughing his backside off right now as he knows how unconfrontational I am.

    Thank you again for your kind words.

  • WrenskiBaby August 23, 2012, 3:56 pm

    I’m sitting in etiquette hell right now, enjoying very much the thought of that idiot woman’s bleeding nose.

  • Kimstu August 23, 2012, 4:15 pm

    Of course the punching was wrong, and counterproductive: anybody who heard that the OP broke a co-worker’s nose for saying something she didn’t like would naturally conclude that the OP was out of line and possibly unbalanced. The OP’s violence makes the coworker’s intolerable impertinent rudeness look somewhat less awful by comparison, which is a better fate than the coworker deserved.

    Still, I join the previous posters in sympathizing with the OP’s very understandable rage at that absolutely atrocious remark. You shouldn’t have done it, but it was a natural reaction given the unspeakable provocation! And I’m very sorry to hear of your tragic loss.

    @JGM1764: “Bean dipping” means a sudden unexplained change of subject in response to a rude or intrusive remark. It derives from a thread on the etiquettehell messageboard about how to avoid directly responding to nosy or impolite remarks or questions, e.g., by asking the rude person “Have you tried the bean dip?” (Come to think of it, does anybody even serve bean dip at parties anymore?)

  • abf August 23, 2012, 4:51 pm

    OP, first let me offer my condolences to you on the loss of your spouse. Second, my condolences for having to work with such a hateful individual.
    Upon reading your story, I have to ask, why does she need to know whether or not your marriage was commsumated. That is simply crazy. That is no one else’s business. Period.
    And then to make such a hateful remark, who does she think she is. IMO, that ring is a precious gift given to you by someone you love, why won’t you wear it. My mother wore her wedding ring almost until the day she died (she was ill and in the hospital and nursing home the last two years of her life) and Daddy had been gone for over 25 years. It doesn’t matter how long you were married, you loved each other and made that commitment. That’s what makes a marriage!

  • siobhan August 23, 2012, 4:53 pm

    I’m not condoning her actions at all, but I’m certainly not condemning her.
    Damn, it must have felt good at the time, and it was probably purely reflexive. She was still grieving, and I wonder how many others wanted to get in a punch after hearing what happened.
    As someone who’s put up with rude remarks from People Without Boundaries , for years, and never delivered a rude remark, (intentionally), I empathize.

  • Valerie August 23, 2012, 5:36 pm

    It’s true that punching someone over words is vulgar and unladylike.

    The OP should have thrown down her glove, and asked whether her opponent preferred swords or pistols. When the poltroon refused to fight, the refined person would have contented herself with an open-handed slap.

    Seriously, I think that if someone is going to taunt people who have been shockingly and tragically bereaved, they have to accept that the recipients may react unpredictably. Some kinds of fun, you’re just going to have to pay for.

  • Skeptical August 23, 2012, 5:44 pm

    I’m seriously disturbed by the comments here, from the Admin to various posters. Yes, the rude woman was rude and said something unacceptable. But the OP violently assaulted her, and broke her nose. This ought not to be condoned at all. Especially on a site devoted to etiquette. Period. End of statement. No one gets to break the nose of a rude person.

    OP, I’m sorry for your loss. But I hope the annoying person pressed charges for assault against you.

  • Mabel August 23, 2012, 6:20 pm

    I’m very sorry for your loss, OP. That must have been just horrible. I would not be alive anymore if that happened to me.

    I agree that punching wasn’t the best response. But I have to admit, if I had been there, I would not have had much sympathy for the stupid idiot.

  • Sazerac August 23, 2012, 6:49 pm

    I have a sneaking suspicion that the co-worker was one of those so-called “mean girls” back in middle and high school, with her cadre of sycophants, who built themselves up by tearing others down with such vile, smug, cruel comments. Some of them eventually grow out of that behavior – others never do.

    Although I cannot condone violence for its own end, I am reminded of what the principal in “Kindergarten Cop” told Arnold Swartzenegger’s character after he had punched out the child abusing dad – “What did it feel like, to hit that son-of-a-….”

    I am glad to know that you are out of that miserable situation, OP, and that hopefully you will never encounter someone as rude in the future. All the best to you.

  • Marna August 23, 2012, 6:58 pm

    OP, thy co-worker’s name is “vermin”. I hope there were no repercussions for you. I know, if I were serving on your jury in an assault case, you wold NEVER have been found guilty. I know it isn’t approved here, but sometimes people bring their own mistreatment upon themselves. Good shot!

  • Jenny August 23, 2012, 9:10 pm

    Well criminally, LW would probably get off because the other person provoked her by saying something a reasonable person would know would cause that reaction. Just saying.

    Punching? Not a great idea. But I think most people would say “Yeah, she provoked that.”

  • Jenny August 23, 2012, 9:14 pm

    Plus no prosecutor would want to touch this one with a ten foot pole. Can you imagine presenting this to a jury?

  • Rebecca August 23, 2012, 10:36 pm

    I am gobsmacked that anyone could say such a thing (or even think anything other than, “How horrible that such a thing should happen, and on your wedding day too.”)

    Well of course I am not going to condone violence, and the OP acknowledges that, but I can certainly understand the fit of rage that must have come over the OP in order to do such a thing.

    Did I say I was gobsmacked? OP, so sorry for your loss that came about in the most horrible way.

  • Kate August 24, 2012, 12:05 am

    OP, I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m sure you didn’t get the chance to think through your action – you acted purely on instinct, and I’d have probably done the same thing.

    It is extremely puzzling that some people would consider that sort of remark an acceptable form of conversation. I wonder if this is a case of always living with no filter between brain and mouth, or if this woman grew up in the sort of household where such rude comments and bluntness were commonplace?

  • Kam August 24, 2012, 2:48 am

    OP, I too am so sorry for your loss. People say all kinds of things to grieving widows that are inappropriate, but what your co-worker said is not just insensitive but truly cruel! I think most people have, at some point, done or said something questionable on a moment of sheer emotional distress. I am confident you are not a violent person in reality.

    My brother was killed in Operation Enduring Freedom. Below are some choice comments his wife received:

    “You’re young and you’ll marry again.”
    “You’ve been left with enough to never have to work, how lucky!”
    “Take your ring off… only old women widows wear their rings.”

  • scottish_lass August 24, 2012, 3:15 am

    OP, I’m delighted she did not press charges and I hope you got a new job that you love. I’m planning a wedding myself and this would be my greatest nightmare. I didn’t mean to sound judgmental in my last post (rereading it, it could come across like that, so apologies) and I really hope that you can get whatever help you need to get past this tragedy. Your husband left this world knowing he was loved and cherished. My prayers are with you and I hope time will ease the pain.

  • Lex August 24, 2012, 5:30 am

    What an unfortunate thing to have happened to you and the insensitivity of that co-worker was completely unforgivable! I probably would have smacked her one too!

    That being said, if I were in the same situation as you given that this is a person I don’t know, I might have been tempted to have stopped at ‘My husband passed away shortly after we were married’ and not allow her to pry any deeper. It is a painful and private subject and how you handle it is up to you, but giving vile people like her that much information about yourself was a sorry mistake.

    Then again, I have issues trusting people and always approach conversations with people I don’t know from the angle that they are out to hurt me/stab me in the back/farm gossip and so give them as little cause as possible.

    I only hope that in punching her in the face didn’t resort in you being sued or charged with assault or actual bodily harm as her spiteful comment won’t land her in jail but assulting her could have left you facing an assault charge and losing your job. I don’t think you are wrong for being hurt by her spite, but you allowed her and her horrible horrible comments to make YOU the bad person. I bet the only thing people remember about your exchange with her is that you punched her and it should be the other way around – people should remember the exchange for the evil, hurtful thing she said to you and they should judge her based on that.

  • Abby August 24, 2012, 8:18 am

    “Well criminally, LW would probably get off because the other person provoked her by saying something a reasonable person would know would cause that reaction. Just saying.”

    That is not true. Punching someone is illegal. Saying something grossly insensitive and cruel is not. OP punched this woman in a room full of witnesses. Not saying she would have done jail time but there would have been repercussions and whatever the woman said first would be irrelevant.

    OP, I am encouraged by the fact that the coworker never pressed charges. One can only hope she realized how out of line she was. That, or perhaps other coworkers shamed her into dropping it

  • Bibianne August 24, 2012, 8:42 am

    When I lost my mother suddenly on Mother’s Day one year… I did mention Mom at work but more in the “I need to take care of legal business regarding Mom’s affair” I said something around Thanksgiving, that Christmas was going to be hard this year (Christmas was THE big celebration in our family), to be told by a colleague, to “get over it”. I didn’t say anything. HER husband died suddenly and after a year of *Oh I so miss DH* every day( ok, after about 6 months, every OTHER day), I am glad to say I had kept my MOUTH shut.

  • Lexie August 24, 2012, 10:31 am

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

    The language I would have used towards this person would have made the punch in the face look like the appropriate choice. I must admit, I am curious what happened in the wake of this action – assault charges, a law suit, any ramifications from your place of work?

    Violence is never a good choice but this particular individual … well, if anyone should suffer discomfort for several weeks, this person is head of the line.

  • Annie August 24, 2012, 10:57 am

    Bean-dipping in this situation would not be appropriate. When someone says something this offensive, it’s not appropriate to keep having a conversation with them at all. They don’t deserve it.

    When they are coworker, your next conversation with them should involve HR. They probably won’t get fired for the one comment, but it will start a chain of events that will eventually lead to them being fired….because anyone that stupid can’t be fixed with sensitivity training.

  • Anonymous123 August 24, 2012, 2:09 pm

    OP, I recommend you read about Gene Tierney. She was an actress in the 1940s who contracted rubella while pregnant and the child was born with severe mental retardation. Later, she met the woman who gave her the rubella; the woman knew she was sick, but snuck out of quarantine anyway. Tierney stared at her and walked away. No punching, no violence, no cursing. IMO, that is the best way to handle such a grievous, vicious encounter.

  • grumpy_otter August 24, 2012, 6:18 pm

    OP, you know what you did was wrong and I doubt you’d ever do something like that again. You are obviously a thoughtful, deeply-feeling person who got surprised, in your grief, by an ass.

    That being said–thank you for metaphorically punching all the rude boors in this world on behalf of those of us who never got the chance. Your sacrifice is deeply felt by us all–don’t beat yourself up over it.

  • Gatekeeper August 24, 2012, 10:36 pm

    Anonymous123: I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that the words “mental retardation” are acceptable in today’s language. *shudder*

  • SJ August 25, 2012, 12:00 am

    I agree with Admin -if someone asks about your sex life, they are way out of line.
    When my husband and I were dating, a friend of his asked him “how far” we’d gone. Husband just stared until the person changed their mind about the topic of discussion.

  • Joshua August 25, 2012, 12:52 pm

    Gatekeeper: Anonymous123 wasn’t using the term “mental retardation” as an insult, but in its medical and scientific sense, which is still in use. The term may be on its way out but it is still acceptable in some contexts.

  • Natalie August 27, 2012, 11:34 am

    Gatekeeper: “mental retardation” is a medical term which is used today (although some agencies now use the more general term “developmental disabilities”). The unacceptable term is “retard” or “retarded” as in, “That show is retarded” or “Don’t be a retard.” That’s another rant for another time.

  • Xtina August 27, 2012, 1:22 pm

    I’ve been reading EH a long, long time, and I think what the co-worker said was one, if not the, most rude and truly cold comments I’ve ever read on this site. What a horrible, horrible thing to say. The co-worker got what she or he deserved, but agree with Ms. Jeanne that your reaction was over the top–yet I totally understand why you did it and will be honored to grant you clemency of your e-Hell crime.

    My condolences on your tragic loss.

  • LilyG August 27, 2012, 1:27 pm

    My dear, I am so terribly sorry. What a heavy burden to bear.

  • Anonymous123 August 27, 2012, 2:55 pm

    Gatekeeper, according to the New York Times, “Mental retardation is a condition diagnosed before age 18 that includes below-average general intellectual function, and a lack of the skills necessary for daily living.”

    You can learn more at: http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/mental-retardation/overview.html

  • Cherry August 28, 2012, 7:06 am


    Was that the basis of the Agatha Christie novel “The Mirror Cracked”? Because you just described a scene from the book almost word for word.

  • Ellen August 28, 2012, 9:20 am

    OP, I am sorry for your loss. I think your outburst, while unfortunate and no part of etiquette, was understandable and human as a manifestation of deep grief and pain. I think the moderator’s advice about cutting people off and not giving them so many details about your situation, will help you keep a stronger boundary up while you are in the healing process.

  • kj August 29, 2012, 11:51 am

    @Cherry – you are correct, the movies copy the scene nicely.

  • Anonymous123 August 29, 2012, 12:19 pm

    Cherry – yes, it was the basis for the book

  • Martha F. August 31, 2012, 8:22 am

    I firmly believe that the appalling rudeness of this individual requires significantly more than bean dipping. The first question was out of bounds, and deserved either a firm “I beg your pardon” or an equally firm “I do not believe that is an appropriate question, and I will not discuss it.”

    If you can keep your calm, you can also ask “Why do you want to know?” or “Why would you ask something like that?” The goal there is to get them to justify the reason for the question. In that case, if they say something about the legitimacy of the marriage, you can say “I wasn’t aware that you were the authority on that.” (Which could be followed up by “Tell me about your marriage.”)

    OP, to be honest, I might have been equally stunned and blurted out an answer too, but the second statement absolutely deserves a firm declaration of war — preferably in words, rather than in actions as you did. Options would include an even firmer “I beg your pardon!” or “I cannot believe you would say something like that” or “Why would you say something like that” or even turning your back and walking away with no response.

    The main problem I have with you hitting that person (aside from the legal aspect of assault) is that it allows the person the satisfaction of saying to themselves that you’re the one in the wrong, that they were just joking or being honest or something. Ideally, the punishment for rudeness should be either making them realize that what they say is inappropriate (thus “Why would you say something like that”) or punishing them by not giving them the response they’re aiming for (which could be shock, outrage, horror, or any other response that they would feel puts them in a position of power).

    One of the things I’ve found most useful in coming up with powerful polite responses to rudeness is to cultivate the “moment of wordless shock.” Taking a breath and looking horrified gives me a chance to calm my initial aggressive response and come up with a more effective verbal response. The longer you draw out the silence, the more uncomfortable the other person will become. Take several deep breaths, to visibly control your anger, and then respond in calm, controlled tones. You’ll look like the bigger person, and you’ll make them feel even more small and petty.

  • Nic September 3, 2012, 5:35 am

    OP I truly sympathize with you. When I was thirteen I lost my seventeen year old brother in a car accident. We both went to the same High school, although he was a senior. He was the type of kid who gained a lot of attention in school, so it raced through the school like wild fire when he died. One very insensitive kid said to me
    “You’re the one who’s brother died aren’t you? He was a d*ck, you and the world are better off without him”.
    I punched the guy right in the nose too.

    While it was probably not the best way to handle the situation on your part OP, I can understand how a moment of extreme rage and grief can overwhelm you and make you do something in the heat of the moment, especially when the grief is still so raw (In my case only a few weeks after the accident) So if that lands us in E-Hell, well I guess I’m in there with you.

    I’m sorry for your loss and that such a tragedy would occur on your wedding day, of all days. But I think your husbands love will always be with you and I hope you gain some comfort from that.

  • Allie September 30, 2012, 12:13 am

    Poster, you must be asking yourself “how could it have been wrong if it felt so right?” You must have felt satisfaction in that moment of punching her, although you know it was wrong. I am very sorry for your loss and it if makes you feel any better, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. A marriage doesn’t have to be consummated to be legal and binding, so not only is she an insensitive boor, she is an uninformed insensitive boor.

  • Javin October 3, 2012, 3:16 pm

    “That is not true. Punching someone is illegal. Saying something grossly insensitive and cruel is not. OP punched this woman in a room full of witnesses. Not saying she would have done jail time but there would have been repercussions and whatever the woman said first would be irrelevant.”

    Abby: You’re wrong. Look up the term “jurisprudence.” The situation can always be considered relevant according to the law.

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