The backstory: Every year when the weather gets warm and my flowers start doing well I host a fancy tea party. I send out formal invitation with the RSVP information and a note that says this is a fancy dress party. Sunday best please! We serve fancy foods and home-brewed iced tea and pretend we’re high-society ladies who lunch for an afternoon instead of college students and young professionals.
But this year I’m a little apprehensive. I’ve gotten word via email that a specific girl (who we will call H) from last year’s party is attempting to invite herself. It should be noted that after her behavior last year I have severed ties with her and I do not intend to invite her this year.
In general I don’t consider this young lady to be a friend, but more of an aquaintance who I know via mutual friends. I invited her anyway as I wanted to be nice and I thought she would enjoy the event. In our group, she’s known for being a tad pretentious and a bit oblivious, but this takes the cake since we didn’t know just how downright mean she could actually be.
A week before the party, H RSVPd “no” because apparently she had another event she would be attending that day. That was fine. I planned on her not coming and cooked and baked accordingly.
The day of the party everyone was there and we were eating finger sandwiches and butter cookies and chatting. About an hour in, H shows up despite having told me she wasn’t coming. Okay, well, I did get a little excited while cooking and there’s more than enough food. Okay, not a problem. She’s in ripped jeans and a filthy t-shirt while her hair looks like she hasn’t brushed it since the night before. We’re all in dresses with nary a hair out of place (we get really into this). Still not a problem, if she wants to look out of place, that’s her choice since I know she owns several dresses that would have been more than appropriate.
It was that she started insulting my guests that made me kick her out. H walked up to one girl who has been trying to lose weight for awhile and says (quite loudly) “Oh no! It looks like that diet of yours isn’t working!” She says to another invitee who has been looking for work since graduating “Oh, you haven’t found a job yet? You must not be trying hard enough.” To another (who recently called off an engagement), “Well, you’re not married yet because you sleep with every boy you meet!” The poor girl went off crying. Note that all of this happened within ten minutes of H showing up.
I politely took H aside and asked her to leave. (I have no idea what else to do in this circumstance. If you have any suggestions I would be glad to hear them). She was livid. She started screaming about how I was an awful person and how I must be a terrible friend and then that I was some horrible social climber. I then escorted her to her car and told her it was time for her to go home.
The party broke up within 15 minutes of her leaving as H had largely destroyed the previously happy mood (telling someone they sleep around can do that). This year she is not going to be invited, and that is not going to be a subject for debate.
H has already sent me an email saying, “I can’t wait for your spring tea party this year! Here’s my address so you can get my invitation to me! I’m already planning on coming!” I tried ignoring her, but she’s now sent five more emails saying, “Hey, figured you didn’t get my last email. S says you’re still using it. I’m coming, right?” or something to that extent. You have to admire her persistence!
How do I tell her she’s not invited without looking like a terrible person? I want to come off as nice, but at the same time I don’t want her to think at all that she’s invited, nor do I want her knowing my new address. 0320-13
First you tell mutual friend “S” to please not give out your personal contact information. Second, you ignore the persistent emails. If you have broken all social ties to her, you are under no obligation to reply to any emails whatsoever. You do not need to tell her she is not invited. Your silence on this matter should scream volumes that she is not wanted at your soiree. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
Just how would you look like a terrible person by refusing to invite someone who has insulted your guests, insulted you, behaved abominably, is a crass invitation grubber and whom you have no desire to have any acquaintance with…to the point you want your new address kept from her? Kindness is best executed in this case by ignoring her. Responding to her in any way reinforces her delusion that there is some remnant of a relationship left and that her prior behavior has no consequences.