My fiance and I have just moved back to his hometown, and formerly he used to complain a lot about having a lack of friends and being very lonely. So it was great for me when so many people in his town decided that they enjoyed his company and wanted to be around him a lot. This was all fine and dandy for me, except I wasn’t used to the idea of guests dropping by with nary a notice. This makes me uncomfortable as I like to plan for when guest come over and don’t like them stopping by if I work the next morning and have to go to bed early.
The problem started to arise when these friends of his decided to invite themselves over everyday. Especially because most of the time it was because they wanted to drink and play video games (as loud as possible). They would often stay until three in the morning and even if they lowered the volume I couldn’t sleep because of the voices. They also stop by every single day, which is straining my relationship with my soon-to-be husband as we have no alone time and are always expecting any activity to be interrupted by a surprise guest.
I spoke to my fiance about this once in the past, and he thought I was being selfish because he’s never had many friends and I shouldn’t try to keep him from them. I was appalled at this response, but chalked it up to the fact he was drinking.
Is there anything I can do to get rid of unwanted guests without being impolite? Or am I honestly being selfish? 0401-13
You think your primary problem is the uninvited guests but it is actually your fiance. He has prioritized his alleged friends over what should be his primary relationship with you. He invests more time with them than you, he values their opinions above yours and he seeks their comfort at the expense of yours. There is nothing wrong with fiance having friends and getting together with them once a week but as you report it, he has no balance or restraint in pursuing his friendships. Someone is being selfish in this relationship and it isn’t you.
I refer to your guests as fiance’s “alleged” friends because their behavior is not that of people truly committed to caring for others. Good friends look to do you good, to serve you and edify you. They care for you, don’t exploit you, they have your back in difficult times. In contrast, your fiance’s friends are using him and the home you have to serve their own needs for entertainment regardless of how it negatively impacts their hosts. There is almost a symbiotic relationship occurring where fiance willingly gets used by “friends” who in turn feed his selfish ego to belong to some group of people, even if they happen to be selfish themselves.
If there were limitations placed on their visitations such as the party ends at 11 pm or the nights spent gaming and drinking restricted to once, maybe twice a week, the question is how these “friends” would respond. Would they honor that request or would that become the impetus to terminate their friendship with your fiance? Often dilemmas such as this are a defining point in a relationship where we get to see the true nature of people who claim to be friends. Entitled, selfish people will move on to find another willing sucker to accommodate their wants whereas a true, good friend will recognize and honor a reasonable request. Perhaps your fiance needs a wake up call that his “friends” are quite willing to destroy his primary relationship with his future wife solely in the pursuit of their immediate and entitled want to be entertained.
You need to step back and evaluate whether you want a lifetime of this because if you think it’s bad now, marriage will only make it worse. Your fiance has a mistress and her name is “my friends”. Are you willing to be lonely? To have a disrupted household on a routine basis? Would you want children raised in this relationship environment?