Frenemies Have Overrun The House And Relationship

by admin on April 2, 2013

My fiance and I have just moved back to his hometown, and formerly he used to complain a lot about having a lack of friends and being very lonely. So it was great for me when so many people in his town decided that they enjoyed his company and wanted to be around him a lot. This was all fine and dandy for me, except I wasn’t used to the idea of guests dropping by with nary a notice. This makes me uncomfortable as I like to plan for when guest come over and don’t like them stopping by if I work the next morning and have to go to bed early.

The problem started to arise when these friends of his decided to invite themselves over everyday. Especially because most of the time it was because they wanted to drink and play video games (as loud as possible). They would often stay until three in the morning and even if they lowered the volume I couldn’t sleep because of the voices. They also stop by every single day, which is straining my relationship with my soon-to-be husband as we have no alone time and are always expecting any activity to be interrupted by a surprise guest.

I spoke to my fiance about this once in the past, and he thought I was being selfish because he’s never had many friends and I shouldn’t try to keep him from them. I was appalled at this response, but chalked it up to the fact he was drinking.

Is there anything I can do to get rid of unwanted guests without being impolite? Or am I honestly being selfish?  0401-13

You think your primary problem is the uninvited guests but it is actually your fiance.   He has prioritized his alleged friends over what should be his primary relationship with you.  He invests more time with them than you, he values their opinions above yours and he seeks their comfort at the expense of yours.    There is nothing wrong with fiance having friends and getting together with them once a week but as you report it, he has no balance or restraint in pursuing his friendships.   Someone is being selfish in this relationship and it isn’t you.

I refer to your guests as fiance’s “alleged” friends because their behavior is not that of people truly committed to caring for others.   Good friends look to do you good, to serve you and edify you.    They care for you, don’t exploit you, they have your back in difficult times.   In contrast, your fiance’s friends are using him and the home you have to serve their own needs for entertainment regardless of how it negatively impacts their hosts.  There is almost a symbiotic relationship occurring where fiance willingly gets used by “friends” who in turn feed his selfish ego to belong to some group of people, even if they happen to be selfish themselves.

If there were limitations placed on their visitations such as the party ends at 11 pm or the nights spent gaming and drinking restricted to once, maybe twice a week, the question is how these “friends” would respond.   Would they honor that request or would that become the impetus to terminate their friendship with your fiance?   Often dilemmas such as this are a defining point in a relationship where we get to see the true nature of people who claim to be friends.   Entitled, selfish people will move on to find another willing sucker to accommodate their wants whereas a true, good friend will recognize and honor a reasonable request.   Perhaps your fiance needs a wake up call that his “friends” are quite willing to destroy his primary relationship with his future wife solely in the pursuit of their immediate and entitled want to be entertained.

You need to step back and evaluate whether you want a lifetime of this because if you think it’s bad now, marriage will only make it worse.   Your fiance has a mistress and her name is “my friends”.   Are you willing to be lonely?  To have a disrupted household on a routine basis?  Would you want children raised in this relationship environment?

{ 81 comments… read them below or add one }

Bint April 2, 2013 at 4:08 am

No, you aren’t being selfish. Would your fiance want YOUR friends over all day, every day? Does he not want at least one day just being alone with you? Why is he fine with his future wife being kept awake until 3am (where is he, by the way? Doesn’t he have to work?)? And incidentally, who is doing all the domestic side of the hosting ie the cleaning up all this entails? Why do I suspect that it’s you?

You don’t say how old your fiance is but he sounds terribly immature and weak. There is no way on earth it’s ok to let his loser so-called friends behave like this, keeping you awake when you have to work, giving you no time together. And they certainly sound like losers – selfish, bad-mannered dossbags exploiting people. Why can’t he go to THEIR houses? Why do they have to be at yours all the time?

I’m afraid you need to put your foot down because you’re being treated very badly here. You’re coming second to some juvenile desperation to be popular. Your fiance needs to get a grip on himself and learn to treat you with respect. I really hope he does. Good luck, because if this ain’t fixed before you marry, it certainly won’t be afterwards.

Reply

Ange April 2, 2013 at 5:30 am

Spot on advice, this lady needs to have a long hard think about her relationship.

Reply

Barb April 2, 2013 at 5:57 am

Evil Barb thinks, if it were in my house, the gaming system would mysteriously lose an important cable or have something else go wrong with it. Let the losers buy their own PS3.

Reply

DowagerDutchess April 2, 2013 at 6:33 am

Your fiancé is selfish and inconsiderate. Why would his friends treat you with respect? They can see he doesn’t. Throw away the beer, hide the controllers, and sit him down for a serious talk. And if he won’t- leave.

Reply

Margo April 2, 2013 at 6:59 am

I agree with Admin, the issue here isn’t only, or mainly, the ‘friends’ – it’s your fiance. You and he need to sit down and discuss this.

You need to then be backing each other up in our dealings with third parties.

Some issues immediately come to mind:
-Why are these “friends” always meeting at your house? Why doesn’t the social event circulate so everyone involved hosts in turn. Is your fiance providing the food and drink eveytime, as well as the space and games?
- What about your and your fiance’s jobs – surely being up til 3 a.m. must be having an effect on your ability to focus?
- What about you and your fiance’s relationship? How often do you get to spend time together, when did you last have a ‘date night’?
- Id your fiance taking responsibility for his friends’ behavior? This includes providing and clearing up after any food, snacks etc, but also ensuring that they are treating you, him, and your shared home respectfully.
- What about your neighbours? I can’t help but feel that having people round until 3 a.m. on a regualr basis may well mean you’re storing up resentment or bad feelings outside your own immediate relationship.

I think all of these things need to be discussed with your fiance – at the moment, he is the one who is behaving selfishly – he is putting himself, and his ‘friends’ wishes ahead of your relationship. If he is unable or unwilling to discuss this, or to make changes, then this is a huge red flag and you probably should reconsider whether this is a pattern you want to accept for the rest of your married life.

I would suggest coming up with proposal which meet *both* your needs – for example, an agreement that he will hosts games night once a week / once a fortnight / whatever you and he **both** feel you can live with. Agree on how late it will go on, whether there are restrictions on which night of the week it can be on, and how often he will go out to game nights elsewhere .

so, you might agree that he will host once a month on a weekend (friday or saturday) when the night can go on until 3 a.m., plus 2 other nights in the month with it ending no later than 10 p.m, with an agreement that he will be responsible for any clearing up need before or afterwards. If this gaming isn’t something which you and he do together then that sort of frequency would seem reasonable to me .

Also – in dealing with 3rd parties, it is not rude at all to say “Sorry, now isn’t a good time. See you round”. Just because someone shows up at your door, you don’t need to let them in.

Reply

Lo April 2, 2013 at 7:04 am

Boy, do I know this one.

I was one of these “friends” a long time ago. I didn’t think of myself as using my hosts. We were very young adults and a bunch of us would drop by at all hours just to watch movies, play video games, eat and drink, sure. We liked having a place to hang out. Many of us were also living with our parents at the time so it was a taste of true freedom. We didn’t mean any harm. We were just not particularly mature.

The two who owned the apartment were both friends of mine. One was perfectly happy to have it be the local hang out. The other one put a stop to it as soon as his roommate moved out. It had never occured to me before that anyone would mind. When I had my own apartment was when I understood for the first time how precious my privacy was and how little I cared to have other people infringe upon it without my consent.

I wouldn’t assume at these people are “using” your fiance in a malicious way but I would assume that they are inmature and self-centered. No reason to assume they’re bad people. They may be good friends but they just aren’t acting like it. But it’s your fiance’s job to change things. His and yours. They are eroding your good will and your relationship with him because he allows it. You are both responsible for setting boundaries for your household.

If I were you and I had the finances to do so I would move out. This would give both of you a breather and a chance for him to realize what’s really important here. Not to set back your relationship but to get your last gasp of privacy before you are married. You then let him know on no uncertain terms that once you are sharing a household and legally and socially a unit that having friends drop by every day without calling is not acceptable. Frankly, I don’t see how a marriage could survive that, especially in the early days.

Hopefully just having the conversation will be enough to shake him out of his dellusions.

Reply

cleosia April 2, 2013 at 7:08 am

That about covers it, except I strongly suggest marriage counseling. It may not be official yet but you two are living like husband and wife so it may be a good idea to get a neutral third party, who he cannot accuse of being selfish, give an evaluation of his behavior. It does sound like someone who is hungry for a long time, then when he gets food, he’ll overindulge no matter what the cost. Good luck!

Reply

Miss-E April 2, 2013 at 7:13 am

I wouldn’t come down too hard on the friends. I would imagine they are entirely clueless to OP’s feelings. I went through something similar with my friend and her ex-husband. She invited all her girlfriends over all the time, always telling us her hubby didn’t mind and loved having us there, etc until one night he came home in a terrible mood and screamed at us all to get out of his house.

Perhaps we should have realized that we weren’t welcome but we weren’t close to him and she constantly reassured us he wanted us there. It never occurred to me to ask him directly because I figured she would know how he felt about it…being his wife and all. DF might be doing the same thing to his boys each night.

Reply

Huh April 2, 2013 at 7:50 am

Lord, are you dating my X, OP? I’d hate to think there’s more out there like him!

I too was called selfish because I wanted him to spend time with me and not be with his friends drinking and playing video games during all of the time he wasn’t at work. And trust me, the limitations admin suggested, the once or twice a week Friend time wasn’t “good enough” for him. I was called clingy and controlling for suggesting that. But spending time with his family maybe once a week, that was plenty for him. And when the inevitable came and we divorced, I found life as a single mom wasn’t much different than what I had already been living – the kids and I were already used to doing things on our own.

Please, OP, be careful going forward with this. I don’t regret my kids, but I regret all of the years wasted with someone who put me and his family on the lowest priority possible. I regret all the years wasted with someone who didn’t care one tiny bit about my feelings. And keeping you up all night, every night, when you have to get up and go to work in the morning – that’s not paying one bit of consideration to you at all.

Reply

Anonymous April 2, 2013 at 7:59 am

I agree with Admin, and with Bint. Fiance is the one being selfish here, not OP. Fiance should be able to tell these people that they can’t just come over without calling first, and they can’t stay until three in the morning, and they can’t just make as much noise as they want, because it’s disturbing his partner’s sleep. If they’re really his friends, they should accept that, and be willing to call first, or wrap up earlier, or invite the gang to their houses sometimes, or go to a pub or something. If they’re not willing to do that, then they don’t sound like very good friends.

Reply

Margaret April 2, 2013 at 8:00 am

I think you and your fiancé should go visiting – visit each “friend” unannounced and see what happens. If you’re invited in and treated the same way you treat your fiancé’s friends, well, then that is the way this group operates and you will have to learn how to live within these boundaries. But, ill bet fiancé finds out that others have limits that they or their SO’s will impose and he should, too.

Reply

Mamapotamus April 2, 2013 at 8:03 am

I lived this story. My guys story was that even though he had friendsqhen he was younger, he couldn’t invite them over because his mother was/is a hoarder. At first I assumed he was always having people over because we were young and I believed my husband would grow out of it. I believed that when we had children it would get better. I even tried joining them under the the whole “if you can’t beat them…” philosophy. It never stopped & no matter what I did the friends thought badly of me. When I was hospitalized & in labor with our first baby he left to “get something” and nearly missed the birth because he was with his friends. Over the years he had people over when I was sick, trying to study for major exams, when we had out of town family staying with us and so on. It never stopped. Our kids suffered. It took me some time but I got the point. After 10 years I divorced him. He now chooses to skip visitation with his kids in favor of friends. Save yourself the heart ache OP. Tell him things must change but if they don’t prepare to move on. It only hurts more the longer you wait.

Reply

Roslyn April 2, 2013 at 8:08 am

Who is paying for the food and drink? If he is the gracious host footing all the bills then they may be coming over for the free ride and nightly entertainment. If you bring it to an end, or even just limit it to two nights a week, then that will give him a big “something” to throw in your face, for a very long time.

Since he has already thrown it in your face that YOU shouldn’t keep HIS friends away then you need to turn the tables. HE shouldn’t be so careless as to let people stay so late to disrupt your life and cause you lack of sleep for work EVERY NIGHT. Give and take.

If he can’t see the other side of the stick, then you two need to reevaluate the whole relationship and what each of you are getting from it before any marriage takes place. He is clearly putting his needs to be surrounded by drinking gamers every night over his relationship with you.

I am a gamer widow and it has taken some time for both of us to come to a understanding and set limits to how much time is spent in play. It can hurt to “lose” your spouse to online gaming and their imaginary “friends” with team-speak. They are sitting right next to you, but they aren’t there, and yes, the “D” word came up, it is that painful sometimes.

Reply

Pen^3 April 2, 2013 at 8:10 am

The response written by site admin is perfect.

The fiance, by having friends over daily to play video games and drink, seems to want to continue living the young adult bachelor lifestyle, rather than that of someone in a relationship. He needs to grow up. I definitely think that, although you might get married one day, at the moment he is absolutely not responsible enough for it if he values drinking and playing with his friends over his relationship with you.

Getting married will make this kind of behaviour much, much worse, since he’ll have less reason to try to impress you. You two might make a great married couple one day, but that day is not anytime soon. His priorities have been made clear, and they aren’t the priorities of a person ready to be in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. I agree that you need to take a step back and possibly spend some time apart, and hope that either some maturity sets in, or you move on to greener pastures.

It’s hard to hear, I know. Be strong and try to be as impartial as possible: what would you think if you heard one of your own close friends say this? That their fiance didn’t see anything wrong with spending time with his friends at the expense of the relationship, and when told what was wrong, chose to call the other person “selfish” instead of addressing or even accepting the problem. Be strong and all the best.

Reply

WildIrishRose April 2, 2013 at 8:11 am

Admin and Bint are right. I went through a similar situation with my husband shortly after we were married, only it wasn’t his friends–it was his BROTHER. I finally had to tell both of them that Brother was intruding and it needed to stop, and p.s. no, Brother, I will NOT do your laundry! You need to talk with your fiance first, and if that doesn’t help, then you need to lose the doormat status, develop a spine, and tell his “friends” they are no longer welcome every day. Once or twice a week is plenty–this is YOUR home too. And for that one night a week that his friends come over, plan a girls’ night out or some activity you can enjoy away from them. But your first move MUST be to talk with your fiance about how much this bothers you and how disruptive it is. Do this before you marry him. This kind of selfishness should be a deal-breaker. Good luck!

Reply

Twik April 2, 2013 at 8:22 am

This is more a relationship issue than an etiquette one. There are etiquette-approved ways of getting lingering guests to move on, but not when they are the guests of one of the homeowners. The problem isn’t the friends, it’s that your fiance wants them there.

I notice a bit of a red flag – you say “I spoke to my fiance about this once in the past, and he thought I was being selfish because he’s never had many friends and I shouldn’t try to keep him from them. I was appalled at this response, but chalked it up to the fact he was drinking.” Trying to have such a discussion when your fiance is inebriated is a losing proposition. Is it difficult to find a time to discuss it when he has *not* been drinking? If it isn’t difficult, you need to work on your timing for serious discussions; if it is, you have bigger problems than late-night parties.

Also, if your fiance is staying up to 3 am on a regular basis, is he working regular hours? It sounds to me a bit like he’s regressed to a “teenaged” state of late nights with the guys, alcohol and no responsibilities. If this is what’s going on, I’d not proceed with marriage plans until this is ironed out.

Reply

Michele Newell April 2, 2013 at 8:26 am

Why do I get the nagging feeling that most everyone involved in this story is, oh, 22 or younger?

The behavior described by the OP reminds me of many of the “older” couples I met college. The younger “friends” would spend every spare moment playing video games with their one 21+ year old buddy (and sometimes his girlfriend, too) in order to gain access to the alcohol they couldn’t legally purchase. The drinking and video gaming would go on late into the night–or until the disgruntled girlfriend not-so-subtly showed the guests the door by starting a boozy fight with her boyfriend.

I’m wondering if what I described, minus the end of party screaming match, is what’s going on with the OP? If so, I recommend she try being “too broke” to buy beer for a couple of weeks. I can almost guarantee that she won’t see her fiance’s “friends” during that time, and their conspicuous absence might be just enough to show Mr. Fiance where his friends’ loyalties lie.

Reply

ElizabethD April 2, 2013 at 8:36 am

This group sounds like 10 year olds hanging at the house of the ‘cool’ parents (read: get away with whatever). Admin is correct: your fiance is prioritizing this group ahead of you. Doesn’t your fiance have to get up the next morning and go to work (doesn’t anyone have to go to work except YOU??)?

Shut this down, now. Friday night is drop-in night, only. This means not being home sometimes and at others, being ready to say ‘So sorry, now isn’t a good time’ and closing the door. And yes, your fiance needs to drive this. Pick a time when the house is quiet (and empty!) and calm and talk it out. Tell him how you are feeling and what you’re needs are (sleep on a work night and maybe one-on-one time as a couple without the pack hanging around). How your fiance reacts to this discussion and what he doe about his ‘friends’ will tell you everything you need to know about where you sit in his priority set.

Good luck!

Reply

clairedelune April 2, 2013 at 8:37 am

PLEASE don’t marry this man until you address his willingness to treat you disrespectfully, and your willingness to “chalk it up to the fact that he was drinking.” Drinking is not an excuse for hostility, and if he treats it as such, and you excuse his behavior accordingly, you’re drawing up the blueprint for a miserable marriage.

Reply

Sansa April 2, 2013 at 8:39 am

I second what Bint said and say figure it out now because if he isn’t willing to put you first more often than his “friends” that is definitely a relationship you need to rethink.

Reply

Jay April 2, 2013 at 8:59 am

Have to agree with Admin. This is NOT going to get better. Your fiance is flat-out ignoring your needs, and you’re not only making excuses for him (“he was drinking”), the excuse is one that invites a whole other area of scrutiny.. your fiance sometimes drinks enough that he insults you (AND you think that’s okay). Now’s the time for a reasonably worded ultimatum, and if he isn’t taking your side now, he never will.

Reply

Scott April 2, 2013 at 9:16 am

Agree 100% with admin here. I am appalled at how your fiance is treating you here, AND how his so-called friends are treating you. I almost hesitate to say get out while you still can, but that might be the case. His priorities are completely out of whack, and his friends aren’t treating either one of you with the respect and love you deserve. My best friend for more than half my life just married the girl of his dreams. It brings me joy to see them so happy together, and I’m always careful to respect their space and their time, both when they were engaged and as newlyweds. Myself and a couple of the other groomsmen actually approached her at the wedding and made sure she knew that if she ever needed anything, day or night, that she needs only to let us know. She’s part of the circle of friends now.

This almost seems more like his friends trying to keep him in bachelorhood and him being all too willing to go along. I wish you all the best with whatever decisions you have to make going forward.

Reply

livvy17 April 2, 2013 at 9:25 am

Adminis absolutely right – this is an issue with your fiance, who is prioritizing drinking and playing videogames over your need to sleep / spending time with you. You should be able to work out a compromise that satisfy both of you. If you can’t work something out that you both find reasonable, then maybe your relationship wasn’t meant to be. There will be many times when your wishes and needs conflict, you have to be able to work them out together in the future – the issues will be about money, and childrearing, and other much more important things. If you are forced to work around your husband all the time, or always have to cave to his wishes, you’ll either be very unhappy and resentful, or you won’t be married long.
One last note – how is he able to stay up all night drinking and playing videogames? Are you supporting him too? And if yes, that makes it even more selfish that he’d keep you up late!!

Reply

Goldie April 2, 2013 at 9:25 am

Drinking every day, to the point where one says and does things they wouldn’t if they were sober, is pretty terrible for one’s health in the long run. It is also a rather expensive habit. Do not get married while this is going on. Ideally, I would advise to move away from this hometown of his and find a new group of friends who are not alcoholics in training, but I understand that this may not be realistic. Good luck. Oh, and you are absolutely not being selfish.

Reply

Scott April 2, 2013 at 9:27 am

As a sidenote, I’ve never been one to excuse behavior because someone was drinking. If someone drinks that’s a decision they’ve made, as are all the consequences that go along with it. They might not have intended them, but it’s their own fault they happened.

Reply

hakayama April 2, 2013 at 9:29 am

To answer your questions, in reverse order:
No, you’re not being selfish.
Yes, you can get rid of unwanted guests without being impolite. If you want quick and measurable results, you simply have to leave the F. Or have HIM move out.
While the “splitting” may seem a drastic measure, consider the alternatives. You either “put up or shut up”, or wage a full “war of reformation”. Only IF he were willing. Simple pre-marital counseling in this case would probably be not enough.
If you are willing to spend years in “restructuring” your F. into a worthwhile individual, God bless you. Is he worth the risk and the investment of time AND probably money? Only you know….

Reply

Wendy B. April 2, 2013 at 9:45 am

I totally agree with the Admin on this one.

Fortunately, you’re seeing a side of your fiance you needed to see before the wedding. I’m not advising at this point on breaking off the relationship entirely, but I think if you either stand your ground or move out, how he responds will tell you a great deal about how HE feels about your relationship. If he throws a fit, or does nothing to change, you know where his priorities lie.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. ((hug))

Reply

The Elf April 2, 2013 at 9:48 am

This isn’t an etiquette issue. This is a relationship issue. This couple best learn how to communicate and work together BEFORE they get married! There is absolutely nothing wrong with establishing reasonable limits on guests to a shared home. Gotta be out by 11 makes perfect sense, especially if you’re working the next day. Friends only get to come over x times a week is also reasonable.

I understand that fiance doesn’t want to offend these new friends, but good friends won’t be offended by such limits.

Once you and your fiance agree upon the limits, you politely shoo them out the door at the agreed upon hour by saying something like “Wow, it’s gotten so late! I need to work tomorrow, so I’ll have to go to bed now. We’ll see you all another time.” If they come over and it isn’t the agreed upon date, you say something like “So-and-so! It’s good to see you! I’m so sorry, but we really can’t have visitors right now. We’ll see you on X date! Bye!”

And have this conversation when you’re both sober.

Reply

The Elf April 2, 2013 at 9:56 am

My husband and I frequently have friends over to play games mid-week. Honestly, that’s not the problem, nor is it a “bachelor” or “young” or “immature” thing. The problem is the lack of communication, not necessarily the friends visiting. It’s not an issue for us percisely because we have boundaries and we respect each other’s needs. Come bedtime, friends are either gone or playing quietly in the basement (husband works shifts, so sometimes he’s off mid-week and so are the friends). I am not a light sleeper so the little noise that drifts upwards doesn’t bother me at all. It would be different if I were a light sleeper or if we had a smaller place.

Reply

Serena April 2, 2013 at 10:09 am

Been there; done that…didn’t even take the t-shirt when I left. I’m sorry to say that with this type, more often than not, it only gets worse. Speaking cynically from my own experience, you should get out now, before you waste 6 (or more) years of your life–probably the best ones, tens of thousands of dollars, and a ton of self-respect. Once you start compromising it’s darned difficult to stop and one day you might find yourself thirty-mumble years old looking back (even though over a decade has passed), repeatedly cursing him and asking yourself, “Why did I stay?” It makes you bitter and old before your time.

Reply

Abby April 2, 2013 at 10:33 am

I had a boyfriend like this. I let him move in with me and he would have friends over all the time, and didn’t want to party to stop just because I had to get up early in the morning. I got rid of him. OP, these friends may be annoying you, but I agree with others that they are not the problem here. I am absolutely appalled that a guy expects his wife to just deal with the noise and aggravation EVERY DAY so her adult husband can feel like the most popular kid in school. Your fiance is not ready to be married.

Reply

Lisa April 2, 2013 at 10:40 am

OP: This is a red flag. Please see it for what it is. Your fiancée is immature and is not ready to become husband material. A husband and wife need to hold each other and their relationship above that of their friends. Please dial down any plans for a wedding until the two of you can sort this out, even if it means postponing the wedding indefinitely. If you don’t, then at least you have an idea of what your future will look like.

Reply

Jane April 2, 2013 at 10:50 am

I used to have this issue but on a smaller scale. My problem is that my husband’s friend are all younger, and basically “expect” this type of behavior. My husband and I eventually compromised, and now his friends only come over once a week, max.

Anyways – I have no advice other than what’s been said. It’s a relationship issue that needs to be worked out.

Reply

FlyingBaconMouse April 2, 2013 at 11:02 am

I agree with most of the previous commenters, but wanted to add something else for the OP: the way you want to interact with people is okay. I too had the highly sociable significant other, but instead of recognizing the difference as a compatibility problem shared between two people, I spent years trying to force myself to be “the cool person” about it.

It was such a relief, after my divorce, to face up to the fact that I like a lot of alone time, I need a certain schedule, and I like to do my entertaining in advance….and that all those things are perfectly FINE. They don’t make me some kind of socially broken person who needs to “loosen up.”

Reply

Ergala April 2, 2013 at 11:30 am

Please do not just excuse the friends as being clueless here. When my husband and I got married a lot of his friends pretty much blew him off. They’d say they were coming to celebrate his birthday then just not show up. It wasn’t until my husband got stuff they were interested in did they start coming around. One of them was absolutely HORRIBLE. Forrest would show up to watch a movie or play video games….dh and I had just had our first baby so we set an end time. Forrest didn’t really like me because according to him I chased all dh’s friends away. Dh used to be into pot and alcohol and when he met me he stopped doing all of that stuff. They saw me as the intruder. Forrest would demand I make him more popcorn, or get him a soda….the rest of the time I didn’t even exist apparently because he not once asked how I was doing. This was NOT going to fly in my home and I told my husband this.

A few days later Forrest messaged my husband and I happened to be on the computer when he did. I said that dh was out and did he want me to give him a message. He called me a few curse words and said that dh would eventually realize that I was simply a plaything and go back to being himself. I showed my dh this conversation and he called Forrest ASAP and told him he never wanted to speak to him again and that he owed me a HUGE apology. Never got the apology but he never contacted us again…neither did the rest of the “gang”.

The way I see it is that my husband and I are a social unit. It takes 1 NO and 2 YES to make something happen or prevent it from happening. I am the one who cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids….if he wants friends over on Sunday that is fine…but HE is the one entertaining, not me. That is my day off and I am not spending it peeling potatoes, loading the dishwasher numerous times and cleaning up the tornado left behind. He understands this and we always discuss what days work for us to entertain.

Reply

Holls April 2, 2013 at 11:36 am

Wow, reading this reminds me of my history and I can relate to the boyfriend in this story to a point.

My empathy goes out to him because he’s finally getting something he’s felt he’s been deprived of – in this case friendship, popularity – and clearly hasn’t had an opportunity to learn how to handle it. When I was in my early to mid 20′s, I would get caught up wholeheartedly in whichever boyfriend I was dating and I would lose my sense of priorities to my friends and family in favour of having fun and excitement with someone new. I didn’t love my family and friends less or mean harm – I just completely lost perspective and didn’t consider that I was affecting anyone else’s life negatively because of my absence. It was an immature approach to relationships and I paid a price for that as my sister (who is also my very best friend) felt so neglected and hurt by my thoughtlessness that she moved out of the apartment we shared and temporarily cut ties with me. Sadly, I barely noticed her distinct step back from our relationship for a while. When I did recognize what was happening, I cared enough about our relationship that I went to her and she made me aware of what my actions were doing to the other relationships in my life and I took the opportunity to correct my behaviour, apologize and make some permanent changes to my priorities. She really gave me a gift in doing that and I was able to mature in that area of my life.

I agree totally with Lo – if the OP is in a situation that can allow it, I suggest that she move out of the mutual living space. I’m not suggesting that she cut ties with him, just take a noticeable and definite step back. During that time, I suggest that she stay consistent in her values that she communicates to the fiance regarding why she moved out and then be patient. Time will tell her whether or not the fiance values their relationship more than his new-found popularity. If he does not, she is given the gift of foresight into her future with him and can decide if she is comfortable with continuing their relationship; if he comes to some clarity regarding his actions and changes his behavior, it could be just the life lesson he needs.

Best of luck, OP!

Reply

Justin April 2, 2013 at 12:06 pm

The Elf #29 echoes my thoughts. Every individual, couple, and circle of friends have things they do for fun. The problem comes when they are done to an extreme. It sounds like he is overcompensating for his loneliness and allowing himself to be used. A good relationship will have a balance of shared and individual hobbies and activities and boundaries to create a win-win for both parties, not a win-lose like is happening here.

Reply

NostalgicGal April 2, 2013 at 12:18 pm

Been around too much of this, watched relationships split (with kids in the middle), helped stage an ‘intervention’ (the guy was lying, sneaking around, gaming, and instead of bringing his paycheck home, “losing” it and spending it on more gaming stuff) that didn’t work. Had a few crumbs of this myself PLUS I was the breadwinner. Something about I pay the bills and the stuff’s in my name, reform or your stuff’s on the lawn, got it sorted. Plus counselling for him.

Move OUT, OP. Now. Don’t even pause. If it’s just the clothes on your back, do so. If you have anything financially joint, separate it now.

I’m betting you’re doing support the household as well. That will be the biggest wakeup call you can do. Go get yourself some counselling. Tell him once he decides to man up, grow up, and go to counselling, then you’ll talk. It’s not the friends, it’s him. No it’s not a choice of ‘me or your friends’ it’s a choice of getting his head screwed on straight.

If there is something to the relationship, you’ll find it. If there isn’t, it’ll sort it. It hurts, I know but the alternative is a LOT worse. It’s not worth the years to go the ‘soft route’, you have to go the hard. For your sake, OP.

Reply

Another Gamer "Widow" April 2, 2013 at 1:11 pm

@Barb Evil Barb might be on to something. The last time I was ignored by my fiance in favour of video games, I seriously contemplated shutting off our internet connection.

I can sympathize with the rest of you gamer widows out there in E-Hell, my fiance also spends countless hours online playing with his friends. I’ve found talking with him works though, we’ve started spending more time together, including finding some video games I can play with him! (One of the best date nights I’ve had in awhile involved pizza, junk food, Crono Trigger and Diablo 3… Nothing like fighting monsters together to rekindle the relationship. Lol.) Games are a part of who he is, and I’ll never be able to get rid of them completely, but as long as he can put aside some “us” time, I’m ok with it. In fact, it keeps him busy while I work on my novel or get busy with school.

@OP Admin is right, you are not the problem. You need to talk with your fiance and figure this out. If you can’t, you shouldn’t get married. It’s as simple as that. You deserve someone who will respect you and your needs, and if this guy can’t be that someone then you’re better off without him. However, give him a chance to change his ways. My fiance did. There is hope. :)

Reply

Gee April 2, 2013 at 1:38 pm

Right on, Admin. As it stands, the fiance is giving his loyalty to the friends, and leaving his future wife with the leftovers. That’s a huge red flag.

Reply

David April 2, 2013 at 1:45 pm

OP, my wife of 14 years and I are both gamers. I would never dream of keeping her awake by playing video games loudly any more than she would dream of keeping me awake playing video games loudly.

To answer your questions: No, you are not being selfish. To get rid of unwanted guests politely, you and your fiance need to be on the same page. “Sorry guys, it’s late and I need to get to sleep.” is very polite.

I cannot tell from your letter if your fiance has a job. Possibly he needs to move back in with his parents for a while in order to get his head on straight, because he is prioritizung the wrong relationships right now.

Reply

The Elf April 2, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Preach it, FlyingBaconMouse. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a little – or a lot – of quiet.

Reply

Hellbound Alleee April 2, 2013 at 2:13 pm

“I talked about this once in the past…”

Maybe you need to wait until he is sober and try talking to him about it a second time?

Reply

Rachel April 2, 2013 at 2:34 pm

Just chiming in that I agree with the admin 100%. This guy isn’t ready to be your husband.

Reply

Alice Morgan April 2, 2013 at 2:42 pm

I echo everyone above. I had much of this with my first husband and it does not get better if you put up with it now. The behavior continues, you become the bad guy for trying to put limits on, and he continues to walk all over you as you make excuses for his behavior. I tried everything I could think of and nothing worked. My final straw was when I tried to get his attention for some, *ahem*, intimate activity and he told me, “Move, you’re blocking the TV.” I knew then that I wasn’t going to win this fight, salvaged any remaining dignity and self-esteem and left him.

But one thing I haven’t seen mentioned is the assertion by the boyfriend of having a lack of friends and feeling lonely in the place in which they formerly lived. Why is that? Why wasn’t he out trying to make new friends or discover new activities where he was before?

Reply

Cat April 2, 2013 at 3:22 pm

I want to know what sort of work your intended does that his staying up until 3 am, drinking and partying, does not have impact on his employment. Are you gaining a husband or a very large child?
It’s not a choice of whether you can ask people to leave at a decent hour ( and to call before coming over) or being “selfish” with your guy’s time. The choice is between whether you want to marry a man or a boy. Boys are fun: irresponsible, carefree, and always ready for a good time. A man carries responsiblities, supports and cares for you, and has clear priorities. You may be choosing from too young a litter.

Reply

Ceallach April 2, 2013 at 5:00 pm

I’m going to disagree a little here.

OP has spoken up just ONCE to say she isn’t happy with the constant entertaining, and that was when he was drunk and quite possibly has no recollection!

In a relationship you can’t expect your spouse to magically know what you think or how you feel about everything. On each occasion you should be communicating your needs e.g. “honey I have work tomorrow so the guys need to be gone by 10pm” etc. communicate. Express your needs maturely.

Yes he sounds immature and inconsiderate, but perhaps he really doesn’t know how much the partying bothers the OP. He clearly loves it himself, and people are inclined to assume others think the same as they do unless told otherwise.

Reply

Stacey Frith-Smith April 2, 2013 at 5:14 pm

So I’m wondering if your fiance isn’t being deliberately obtuse? It has happened that both men and women resort to subterfuge to exit a relationship. The script goes something like “I’m a jerk…it’s the way I am. Sorry you had to deal with it!”. Of course, that may not be the case here. But it’s a bit odd that Every Single Day is game day. Game systems aren’t that hard to come by, booze isn’t that hard to come by, a house where a party is underway isn’t that hard to come by. The common denominator here might not be the “friends”, but the fiance, who’s a bit too cowardly to say “no, not gonna get married just now” or too passive aggressive in his efforts to postpone or terminate the entrance into marriage. I guess the reason is irrelevant- for Heaven’s Sakes- RUN!

Reply

Katia April 2, 2013 at 6:11 pm

Dear OP, Everyone on here is right. It won’t get better. It’s a relationship issue. Are you reading all these answers and telling yourself it’s not that bad, not really? Probably. Do you have that nagging feeling in the back of your head that just won’t go away regarding your relationship in general? Of course you do. And the reason you’re on this site is to get confirmation that it’s not all in your head, that you’re not being unreasonable, that you’re not selfish. At this point, you’re isolated. Get out now. It will just get harder to deal with later on. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, not your prison. You probably hate coming home now too, right? Yup, been there too.

If you want this relationship to work, make new friends and start going out. Don’t come home after work, don’t cook him dinner, don’t entertain. Come home at 10-11pm, go straight to bed like they’re not even there. When/IF asked where you were, say you were out. You may be out knitting at the library, but he doesn’t have to know that. Right now, he and his friends see you as the doormat. Just stop it. Stop catering to him and worry about yourself. Get hobbies, new friends, old friends, etc. Don’t stay isolated. He’ll either freak out and change, or you’ll finally realize that he’s really not worth your time and energy.

Also, Alice Morgan brings out a good point about his lack of friends. He may just be extremely manipulative and getting you to that place where you’ll bend over backwards for him and he won’t have to try. So stop it. We only have one life to live, stop being a nice girl, and start living for yourself.

Reply

startruck April 2, 2013 at 6:40 pm

if this were my house ,i would have ONE conversation with my boyfriend about it. i would do it nicely, and try to make him understand that i love that he has friends, but there has to be boundries. after that, if he didnt do anything, i would tell his friends directly. if he didnt stand by me and support me, but took his friends side, he would find himself out the front door. this guy sounds like he is just not mature enough to have an adult relationship and just want to play with his friends. go find yourself a grown man and leave this toddler to his playtime

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: