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Meddling, Bossy Junior Bully

I added some Admin impromptu comments in red to this submission..
I just found your website a couple of weeks ago, and since then I’ve come up against a problem, so I immediately thought to post it here.

I’m in a new junior high school this year and for the most part really enjoying it. I’ve already made a few good friends, too. Unfortunately, one of them is not exactly who I thought she was when I first met her.

At the beginning she (I’ll call her S.) seemed really nice and funny, so I enjoyed hanging out with her. As I’ve come to know her more, though, I’ve realized that her personality is actually quite clingy and, well… annoying. (I’ve always tried to be very gracious and friendly to her though, even after I realized how annoying she actually was.) Even though I’m the “new kid” at school and S. has been going there her whole life, she’ll follow me around all day and get me to do her favors. Whenever she wants me to do something, she doesn’t ask — she demands. She’s always making me wait for her in the hallways and things like that (which I wouldn’t mind at all, if she would ask like a real friend would instead of demanding).  She’s a bully, not a friend.   Albeit she’s not a physical bully but somehow she has recognized in you a willing person to boss around.   And she can’t “get you to do favors” unless you agree to do them.

Anyway, all this isn’t that big of a deal. The main problem is she’s very aggressive in what she wants, as I mentioned, and lately the thing she wants is to come over to my house.

Now, I’m not some hospitable monster, but I do enjoy having my own space and somewhere to call my own, to escape from the rest of the world for a little bit. My room is messy and not really fit for the public eye (without prior preparation). If I want someone to come over and hang out, I’ll invite them, I’ll clean it up, I’ll have a fun time. I don’t mind opening up when it’s sort of on my own terms. But when S. tells me she’s coming over, it irks me to no end.  You calming tell her, “I’m sorry, that is not possible.”  The non-verbal implication is that your parents will not permit it.

She’s the type of person who goes through your purse and stuff at school, so the drawers and dressers and all my material belongings in my room would be no exception. I’m a pretty private person and I would really be mad if that were to happen.   Buy yourself a  zippered purse (and keep it zippered) and if she begins to meddle in your purse, you take it from her saying, “Excuse me? What do you think you are doing?”  And if she is obtuse in her understanding that nosying around someone else’s purse is rude, you tell her, “Stay out of my purse.”

Even that wouldn’t be a huge, continuous, problem, but S. doesn’t just come over to your house to drop by and then head on her way. She’s more the type to stay, and stay some more, and stay for supper, and stay the night. And come home with you the next day after school.

So, my question is, how do I /politely/ prevent her from coming every time she invites herself over? It’s a small school, so I can’t just break ties with her — I’d see her everyday afterwards.    0830-13

You would do well to read and get involved in the Ehell forum, particularly the “I’m Afraid That Won’t Be Possible” board .    You need to go to Etiquette School to teach you how to grow a polite spine so that you can firmly but civilly deal with the bossy meddlers and bullies of life.

{ 55 comments… add one }
  • KA September 9, 2013, 12:12 am

    Admin’s advice is good, OP. And if this is your first year in middle school, I’d say you are well on your way to being awesome. I wish my students could write as well and as clearly as you do. You sound very mature, like you have it together… S is probably wondering how she can get on your level!

  • Linda September 11, 2013, 8:14 pm

    My biggest suspicion if she is so willing to cling to a figure and stay away from home is that she has troubles at home that she’d rather stay out of. Teach her some manners but don’t condemn her.

  • Enna September 13, 2013, 11:44 am

    Admin’s advice is good on this one.

    I have distanced myself from a firend who had developed a real Jekyel and Hyde character. Sometimes she was the personifcation of firendship – like when my parents seperated she was asking me how I was and was geniuenly concerned: when things got really bad she would offer to come and pick up so I could stay the night at hers. Then she would do really mad and bad stuff. So Im keeping my distance now.

  • Paige Holland November 8, 2013, 10:04 am

    @KA The OP said she is a junior in highschool, not in middle school.

    • Vicki Cole May 26, 2014, 10:15 pm

      @Paige: no, she didn’t – she said she was “at a new JUNIOR high school” – which is roughly equivalent to middle school, except it’s usually only 7th and 8th grades, and doesn’t include 6th grade.

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