I am an asexual aromantic woman, which basically adds up to “I don’t date.”
But when a polite “No thank you.” to a guy asking me out doesn’t work, I get rather pointed questions, “Oh, you have a boyfriend?” “No, I am just not interested, can you please drop it?” This tends to lead to homophobic ranting and/or accusations of being a stuck up bitch.
If I make the mistake of thinking the individual will listen to me and explain I am not sexually attracted to either gender and do not date anyone, the response, depending on if this is online or in person, will escalate to rape jokes or outright threats. In person doesn’t happen anymore, because I no longer socialize due to phobias this sort of thing made significantly worse.
But online, the amount of times I have received this response is beyond counting. I have left entire websites to avoid it. I do not join dating sites, I do not advertise my single status. As far as I can tell I do nothing to encourage the idea I am looking for a relationship. But somehow, some person I have never spoken to gets it into their head that “you just haven’t met me yet” is what I need to hear. No. Thank you.
Short of lying, what am I supposed to do? If they don’t listen to the first “no thank you”they get a, “No, leave me alone”, and then a block, but that only stops the individual. Do I just have to cut all the sites where those messages come from? Or is there something in my attitude I could change to prevent the first message from even being sent? 1007-13
Have you tried joining the Ehell forum? I’ve made it pretty clear that I and the moderators have no interest in knowing the sexual preferences or exploits of the members so that subject isn’t even on the radar. Plus the members are far more civil and polite than most online communities.
I’ve been online for 20 years or more, been a participant in many online forums and one thing I do know is this. The only way people know anything about you is what you yourself offer for public consumption. If you are being harassed and bullied online for your personal preferences, it seems to me that somehow you are putting this information about yourself out into the public domain. If you have to repeatedly leave web sites due to people harassing you, my question is what exactly are you telling them about yourself that gives them that amount of information? If someone you’ve never spoken to solicits you, why are you even responding to that? Hit the delete key and ignore. You don’t owe people any explanations.
Years ago a woman from an online community sought my help against several bullies who were harassing her. I think she expected me to get in the middle of the fray and kick some bully butt. Instead I advised her to stop splatting her personal information and family dirty laundry to complete strangers who were then exploiting it. An effective way to stop online bullying is to stop feeding them information they can use to stalk, twist and manipulate. I have been aghast over the years at what people will reveal about themselves online to total strangers who have basically done nothing to deserve that level of trust and confidentiality. Don’t feed the trolls, don’t feed the bullies.