“Do You, Manly Stud Beast, Take This Woman….

by admin on July 30, 2009

My dear friend since 1st grade announced she was getting married to her boyfriend of a year and a half. None of our friends were thrilled, considering the tumultuous relationship they had. She has always had very low self-esteem and we had a feeling she’d end up with someone incredibly unworthy of her awesome-ness. He felt brutal honesty was necessary, even if that meant telling her he preferred other, thinner women or that he’d love her to have smaller thighs. Tom was a bona fide weirdo, too. He sang in a “grindcore” band (imagine lots of thrashing and yelling) and wrote songs about deviant sexual acts reserved for adult videos in Japan. (PS: My friends and I are incredibly liberal, but even we have limits.) And don’t even get me started on his whole, “The Nazis were just misunderstood,” thing. However, he was set to join the Marines and they felt that marriage would be the only way to guarantee any rights or compensation, God forbid something happen.

The invitation had some bizarre, non-romantic quote and a tacky registry info card. The registry itself contained everything and more, including $2 dishtowels, Cheetos and an ice cube tray. I thought it was pretty ridiculous to register for ONE ICE CUBE TRAY so as a joke, I gave her that, along with a check.

The ceremony and reception was being held at some cheesy, generic reception center IN A CEMETERY. I think the reception center and cemetery were separate, but the center itself was right on cemetery grounds. Poor choice of location, right? I don’t think feelings of death is really something you want to leave with your wedding guests. But the center was very cheap, I imagine and because the bride’s father refused to pay, the mother was forced to do it all herself. I think my friend told me that the entire wedding for 150 guests, including the dress was about $8,000.

The ceremony was beyond weird (more on that later) and the groom’s equally weird friends were all in attendance, wearing leather jackets with punk band patches, jeans and combat boots. (The invitation said cocktail attire.) Even the bride’s family hadn’t gotten the clue as many were dressed in jeans. Because the ceremony and reception were in the same space, they kicked us all out for an hour to allow staff to turnover the room. We were forced to go to the TGIFriday’s down the street.

By the time we got back, a buffet of chicken salad sandwiches on cheap croissants, pasta salad and a beverage of 7-UP mixed with Tampico (even cheaper than Sunny Delight) was ready for us. There weren’t enough tables and chairs for everyone. There was no music. The couple was busy greeting everyone (understandable) but without music or any activity, we were very bored. My other friend and I left before the cake-cutting.

I should mention that we’re from Utah and that 95% of all Utah weddings should automatically quality for entrance to EHell by default. Luckily, there are a few of us with parents who didn’t grow up in Utah and know better but Utah weddings are notoriously bad.

Anyway, being from Utah is certainly not an excuse for what transpired during the ceremony. While saying their vows, they both called the other one by their pet name – a certain animal, which I will not say and spare you the same pain that was forced on us. So what, you say? I’m guessing that the majority of the guests were unaware (or at least I hope as they were spared of a terrible mental image) but for those of us who weren’t as lucky… the pet name in question was a name used for each other during sex – when she would act like the animal in question while he dominated her in an ‘unconventional’ way. (Sorry for the vagueness, I’m trying to be as G-rated as possible here.) And how did we know this, you ask? Because they freely shared this information! This is the same person who left a bottle of his urine on our porch, so you can imagine how open he was about his life behind closed doors.

After the wedding, there were no thank-you cards. He promptly left for Marine training where he eventually cheated on her with a stripper who lived in the trailer park down the street (I wish I was kidding.) and they divorced. They never had the chance to live with each other and after the wedding, had spent a total of maybe a week together.

This experience certainly didn’t help her self-esteem. A few years later, she shacked up with some new guy who again, was less than stellar (a number of children with different women whom he did not support), and abruptly cut off all contact with our group of friends, many of us knowing her since elementary school. 07-18-09

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Madge July 30, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Wow, this is your “dear” friend? Judgmental much? I hope you were more helpful to her than you let on here, because with friends like you, I can understand the low self-esteem.

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hyacinth July 31, 2009 at 12:02 am

C’mon Madge, he left URINE on her porch, I think she gets to judge!

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Lucylou July 31, 2009 at 5:48 am

I agree with Madge. As far as I can see, the only etiquette violations were:
(a) the inclusion of the registry info with the invitation;

(b) guests not abiding by the dress code (not the Happy Couple’s fault); and

(c) not providing enough chairs.

To pile scorn on them for not having a wedding to your tastes, make fun of inexpensive items they have registered for, and discuss the cost of the wedding, is uncalled for.

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Suzanne July 31, 2009 at 1:14 pm

What’s with the comments about Utah?

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megs July 31, 2009 at 6:04 pm

I didn’t think it was necessary to disparage an entire state.

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Mechtilde August 8, 2009 at 11:49 am

If a couple are setting up house together, they will need a lot of small items such as dishtowels and ice trays. I’d far rather see a registry filled with useful and affordable items than one with nothing under £1000. At the last wedding we went to, I bought a really good pair of oven gloves as a gift.

Likewise, there is nothing wrong with having a wedding you can actually afford. By all means have a big fancy wedding if you want to and can afford it, but let’s not sneer at those who actually try to marry within their means. Far too many couples feel pressured into getting up to their eyes in debt to have the so-called “perfect day”

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MrsAdorkable March 26, 2010 at 11:23 pm

I couldn’t agree more Mechtilde.

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Allison March 29, 2010 at 10:14 pm

I’m with Suzanne, I’m from Utah and have been to nice weddings there. And I’ve also know what kind of weddings the OP is talking about and I’ve seen them outside of Utah too. And OP; while there was some etiquette violations and they shared a little TMI you do seem a little judgemental.

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strange shade of orange June 11, 2010 at 10:33 pm

I think this is more of a venting post about how he’s not good enough for her, which is perfectly acceptable for a friend to make, especially since the opinions seems to be correct. It’s a bit rude to disparage the entire wedding, particularly the comments about costs, but better to do it on here than to the bride.

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zhoen June 13, 2010 at 9:26 pm

Utah weddings. If the HC are good Mormons, then only other church members in good standing (there is a paper to prove this) are allowed into the actual temple ceremony for the marriage. Of the several I’ve attended as a non-LDS SIL, the reception is a receiving line, over chilled eclair, unidentifiable punch (non-alcholic) and mint with the Temple stamped on it, an array of wedding presents and – with luck – a boom-box playing in a corner. The first one I attended, my dear spouse says, “Ok, let’s go.” I said, “But we haven’t done anything yet.” I am expecting dancing, toasts, music, much ado about garters and bouquet throwing, glass clinking, food, hell, a chicken dance. He looks at me and, as a look of horrified realization crosses my face, says, “Um, we’ve been on all the rides.”

May not describe all the weddings in Utah, but it is exactly my experience at four, and counting. At least they don’t take long.

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Hillery July 10, 2010 at 3:21 pm

I had to pipe in about the hate on Utah weddings. I have been to some lovely (and expensive) weddings in Utah, and I have also been to smaller, cheaper ones. I’m not positive about this, but I’m thinking there is an unusually large cheap wedding industry in Utah, because even if you are not married in the temple, even if you are not even Mormon, there is still a general marriage and family culture here. If you are an adult in Utah, you are probably either married, affianced, or divorced. That means a big wedding culture and a push for weddings to be more affordable.

I had a cheap wedding. Homemade music mix over sound system in a wedding reception hall that sells package deals for the whole thing: cake, finger foods, decorations, invitations. The whole thing, for about 75 guests, ran us about 5,000 total. That includes the wedding package (which was 2500) and the dress, flowers, photographer, etc. It was a lovely wedding, I enjoyed it thoroughly. It was nice enough my best friend used the same place when she got married a couple years later. I only break down the price because I’ve noticed a theme with these stories on ehell sometimes. Apparently, a wedding requires a price tag of at least 10,000 to ensure it isn’t “tacky”. I’m glad our wedding was affordable for my husband and I- especially because we wanted to pay for it ourselves. I was especially glad the price of our wedding didn’t take away from the price of our honeymoon. Two weeks in Europe with the love of my life yielded just as many good memories as the single day of our wedding.

Long story short: please stop using the price tag of a wedding as shorthand for how bad you thought it was, and please don’t disparage an entire state because your friend had bad taste in men. Thank you for your time.

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admin July 10, 2010 at 10:16 pm

The budget for my daughter’s upcoming wedding is $5,000.00 for 110 guests. I sincerely doubt it will have anything remotely tacky about it. In other words, any impression that Ehell looks down its nose at inexpensive weddings does not, and never has, originated with me.

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essie August 20, 2010 at 9:10 am

Chicken salad on croissants??? Why didn’t I think about croissants?!?!?

Our wedding budget was about $2K – and only because we spent $600+ for something special we wanted to do with photographs. Since it was my second wedding, my gown was a simple, floor-length, pink sheath with a lace overlayer – deeply discounted because it was end-of-season and had a couple of lipstick smudges. My MOH found something similar in lilac. The groom and BM wore suits.

The reception included sandwich, veggie, and fruit trays (from Sam’s), mixed nuts, mints, punch, and wedding cake (from a local grocer). We didn’t have alcohol or music, either, but then, we expected our guests to be suficiently mature and socialized to engage in amiable conversation with each other for an hour or two.

On a side note, since Marine recruits aren’t allowed to leave their closely prescribed area (much less the base!), I doubt he “cheated on her with a stripper who lived in the trailer park down the street “. After he completed his training? Probably. During training? Uh-uh.

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CherryBlossom September 30, 2010 at 6:31 pm

I feel sorry for the bride in this tale, because clearly her poor judgment where close associates are concerned goes all the way back to the first grade! What kind of ‘dear friend’ publicizes, for the entire world to see, the fact that the bride’s father couldn’t or did not choose to contribute to the wedding? The fact that, in the interest of stretching what resources they did pull together, the couple ended up left with a shortage of chairs and a very modest dinner to serve their guests? The fact that the bride was betrayed in about the most humiliating way possible by the man she married? What kind of ‘dear friend’ LEAVES THE WEDDING before the bride even cuts the cake, presumably because without a little music she is just too bored to stay?!

Call me old-fashioned, but I feel this goes beyond poor etiquette – publicly casting someone you call a friend in such a poor light is downright mean. I can’t imagine this is the first place you’ve decided to share your opinions on her wedding, is it any wonder she cut off contact with you when she found a new relationship? Compared to this the minor infractions she committed (including registry information in the invite and then not sending thank you notes, I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that the chair shortage was due to a miscommunication with either the rental company or unexpected guests) are barely worth noting.

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J May 11, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Zhoen,

Aww, sparkly glittery tear for you that those deeply religious couples did not violate their beliefs to provide more entertainment for YOU! (Sarcasm)

Seriously, if you don’t agree with no alcohol/no dancing, etc. and are so self-centered that you cannot simply be there to share the joy of the happy couple (because, that is actually the point of the wedding, not so that YOU can attend a big party and whoop it up), then simply send your regrets. EVERYONE is entitled to their religious freedom, and it’s completely distasteful of you to be so snide toward simple Mormon celebrations.

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