My dear friend since 1st grade announced she was getting married to her boyfriend of a year and a half. None of our friends were thrilled, considering the tumultuous relationship they had. She has always had very low self-esteem and we had a feeling she’d end up with someone incredibly unworthy of her awesome-ness. He felt brutal honesty was necessary, even if that meant telling her he preferred other, thinner women or that he’d love her to have smaller thighs. Tom was a bona fide weirdo, too. He sang in a “grindcore” band (imagine lots of thrashing and yelling) and wrote songs about deviant sexual acts reserved for adult videos in Japan. (PS: My friends and I are incredibly liberal, but even we have limits.) And don’t even get me started on his whole, “The Nazis were just misunderstood,” thing. However, he was set to join the Marines and they felt that marriage would be the only way to guarantee any rights or compensation, God forbid something happen.
The invitation had some bizarre, non-romantic quote and a tacky registry info card. The registry itself contained everything and more, including $2 dishtowels, Cheetos and an ice cube tray. I thought it was pretty ridiculous to register for ONE ICE CUBE TRAY so as a joke, I gave her that, along with a check.
The ceremony and reception was being held at some cheesy, generic reception center IN A CEMETERY. I think the reception center and cemetery were separate, but the center itself was right on cemetery grounds. Poor choice of location, right? I don’t think feelings of death is really something you want to leave with your wedding guests. But the center was very cheap, I imagine and because the bride’s father refused to pay, the mother was forced to do it all herself. I think my friend told me that the entire wedding for 150 guests, including the dress was about $8,000.
The ceremony was beyond weird (more on that later) and the groom’s equally weird friends were all in attendance, wearing leather jackets with punk band patches, jeans and combat boots. (The invitation said cocktail attire.) Even the bride’s family hadn’t gotten the clue as many were dressed in jeans. Because the ceremony and reception were in the same space, they kicked us all out for an hour to allow staff to turnover the room. We were forced to go to the TGIFriday’s down the street.
By the time we got back, a buffet of chicken salad sandwiches on cheap croissants, pasta salad and a beverage of 7-UP mixed with Tampico (even cheaper than Sunny Delight) was ready for us. There weren’t enough tables and chairs for everyone. There was no music. The couple was busy greeting everyone (understandable) but without music or any activity, we were very bored. My other friend and I left before the cake-cutting.
I should mention that we’re from Utah and that 95% of all Utah weddings should automatically quality for entrance to EHell by default. Luckily, there are a few of us with parents who didn’t grow up in Utah and know better but Utah weddings are notoriously bad.
Anyway, being from Utah is certainly not an excuse for what transpired during the ceremony. While saying their vows, they both called the other one by their pet name – a certain animal, which I will not say and spare you the same pain that was forced on us. So what, you say? I’m guessing that the majority of the guests were unaware (or at least I hope as they were spared of a terrible mental image) but for those of us who weren’t as lucky… the pet name in question was a name used for each other during sex – when she would act like the animal in question while he dominated her in an ‘unconventional’ way. (Sorry for the vagueness, I’m trying to be as G-rated as possible here.) And how did we know this, you ask? Because they freely shared this information! This is the same person who left a bottle of his urine on our porch, so you can imagine how open he was about his life behind closed doors.
After the wedding, there were no thank-you cards. He promptly left for Marine training where he eventually cheated on her with a stripper who lived in the trailer park down the street (I wish I was kidding.) and they divorced. They never had the chance to live with each other and after the wedding, had spent a total of maybe a week together.
This experience certainly didn’t help her self-esteem. A few years later, she shacked up with some new guy who again, was less than stellar (a number of children with different women whom he did not support), and abruptly cut off all contact with our group of friends, many of us knowing her since elementary school. 07-18-09