A Frighteningly Horrifying Party Disinvitation

by admin on October 31, 2013

I have a very good, close friend. I’ll call him Mordechai. We met as part of a D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) group that was formed by a mutual friend. About a year into our friendship, he started dating this woman, I’ll call her Siobhan. Upon first meeting her at a biweekly game session, I cordially introduced myself and shook hands with her, as I genuinely wanted to get to know her. She gave me a sweet smile and we traded jokes back and forth throughout the night as the game dragged on; I figured I may have found a new friend in Siobhan.

All was not well with the two though, it seemed. A few months pass. Another mutual friend, who here I’ll call Phelan, kept telling me of fights the two were having and how they were starting to fall apart. Apparently the chemistry between the two fizzled. But the next week? Siobhan and Mordechai were side by side with one another, though the warmth I saw between them the night I met her was all but gone. I figured they were simply trying to work things out and said nothing of the matter, though it was awkward trying to talk to him (about game matters) while she was still in the room.

Eventually, the two broke up, but I kept things friendly with Siobhan through Facebook (birthday wishes and the like), and even bought her a set of glow-in-the-dark dice for Christmas; not the cheapo stuff either, but imported, tough dice that wouldn’t chip or fade. Mordechai informed me that she greatly appreciated the dice. Siobhan and Mordechai may have broken up, but they tried to keep something resembling friendship; didn’t last long. Whatever chemistry they had simply disappeared.

Siobhan is renowned within parts of this shared social circle (and the metro area, if rumors are to be believed) for throwing grand Halloween parties every year. A few weeks before Halloween, the notice goes up on Facebook, and she says in big bold letters “ALL MY FRIENDS ARE INVITED!” As one of her friends on Facebook, I got to see it within a half hour of it going up. Seeing that a good chunk of mutual friends would be attending, and hearing through Phelan (who knew her better than the rest of us, Mordechai excluded) that she would likely be okay with me coming, I RSVPed as well, a few days later though. At this point, I simply wanted to get to know Siobhan on her own merits, as opposed to getting to know her as a girlfriend of a close friend. I hear nothing from Siobhan about my RSVP.

Admittedly, I slack off a bit and I remember the next part of the event notice only a day or two before the party: “Call/message/txt for directions!” Not knowing her cell or any other means of communicating with her, I ask for directions to the party through a FB message. My mail notifier goes off a few hours later and this is what greets me:

“Jessica sweetie, you do know that I broke up with Mordechai, right? I don’t think it would be good for either of us if you were to come. Sooooooo sorry.”

I need my mother’s help in getting my jaw off the floor. When I go to reply to both a.) explain myself, and b.) apologize for possibly inconveniencing her, I notice that she a.) removed the “ALL MY FRIENDS” line from the event, b.) made the event private, and c.) de-friended me. In hindsight, good riddance to bad rubbish and all, but at the time, I was extremely hurt, and my Halloween plans were all but dashed. Another night of watching football and eating leftover candy, though my better half made it all right again with some macabre romantics that, for one night, made me forget about Siobhan.

When I brought it up with Mordechai, he was appalled at what happened and kept apologizing for the actions of a grown-@$$ woman. Phelan admitted to me at a later time that her behavior in the incident was par for the course, when he wondered why I wasn’t at this party, my RSVP having gone unchallenged until 24-48 hours before said party would start.

I only feel sad for Siobhan that she seems to have enough friends in her life. As for me, whenever I plan a party or big gathering using Facebook (the only way to keep in touch with some of my sometimes phone-less friends), I do so through private messages intended only for the invited and never through the “event” app, not even private. Last I heard of Siobhan, she was courting a woman and extremely unhappy with life, and for some reason she started losing friends. Hmmm. 0104-11

{ 93 comments… read them below or add one }

Kathryn October 31, 2013 at 5:17 am

“Last I heard of Siobhan, she was courting a woman and extremely unhappy with life, and for some reason she started losing friends. Hmmm.”
Courting a woman doesn’t add to the story and reads as a bit homophobic.

Now that’s out of the way, boo to Siobhan!! Finding out that friendship feelings aren’t mutual is a very sucky feeling – I’ve been there and sympathise. She handled it very badly and that reflects badly on her, obviously others feel the same way since she’s started losing friends.

Perhaps a clue in cutting off contact is in this sentence, ” I simply wanted to get to know Siobhan on her own merits, as opposed to getting to know her as a girlfriend of a close friend.” It could be that she sees you as Mordechai’s friend and you getting to know her is a bit weird. When my ex-bf broke up with me, I wasn’t particularly interested in remaining friends with his circle of friends. Which was fine, because he was my only connection to them and I had my own circles of friends.

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Lauren October 31, 2013 at 5:37 am

Ugh, I am so sick of people being rude who don’t know how to use Facebook. It’s just one more venue for rude people to show their true colors.

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Elizabeth October 31, 2013 at 5:37 am

Um… so no real comment on the story; sounds like Siobhan is deeply etiquette challenged and had a different view of the acquaintanceship than OP did.

Did anyone else get red-flagged about OP’s closing remarks on Siobhan’s life? She’s ‘courting’ a woman, losing friends and deeply miserable. I can’t exactly work out what it is, but if OP was a friend of mine telling me this story we would be diverting rapidly onto the implication that bisexuality is a negative.

OP, maybe this was just oddly phrased. But ‘courting’ is a strange way of saying ‘dating’; it implies that Siobhan is taking on a stereotypically male gender role in her new relationship. I think the way you listed her new relationship makes it seem like you think it’s another indication of how her life is going downhill, or that she doesn’t have it together.

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Ruby October 31, 2013 at 5:48 am

I think LW Jessica seemed desperate for friends (or crushing on Siobahn) and latched onto Siobahn, who did not reciprocate the feelings of friendship. LW didn’t know her well, but still gave a nice Christmas gift and attempted to get to know her better based on a night of exchanged jokes. When the Halloween party fell through, the LW alluded to having no friends and no plans except with her better half.

I wonder if LW’s “better half” is a woman, and LW had a crush on Siobahn.

If you have to ask mutual friends if it’s ok for you to RSVP to an event, then you probably shouldn’t RSVP.

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jojo October 31, 2013 at 6:26 am

So Siobhan behaves very badly and could have handled the situation in a number of better ways, but I’d be sorely tempted to uninvite and unfriend someone who obviously doesn’t like girls going out with girls. What ever someone’s sexual orientation and however they behave, there is no excuse for disparaging it.

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Charliesmum October 31, 2013 at 6:41 am

I just have to say I love all the names you chose for your psyudonyms.

I think the last line explains it best – she’s unhappy with her life. I think sometimes that makes people behave in less than stellar ways. Maybe she felt jealous of you because you had the life she thought she wanted?

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Dominic October 31, 2013 at 7:01 am

OP says that she kept things friendly with Siobhan after the break-up, through Facebook and a Christmas present, but it doesn’t sound like those attempts at creating a friendship were really reciprocated. I don’t know about how women view this, but if a close guy friend breaks up with a girl (or guy), you, as a friend, don’t pursue a friendship with the ex. Sounds like Siobhan was being relatively polite in not ignoring OP but not pursuing a friendship either. When OP didn’t take the hint and move on, Siobhan apparently made it clearer, with the message and unfriending.

Social media is no substitute for social—in-person—interaction. Even if the way the termination of the “friendship” was handled wasn’t nice, OP was assuming way too much. She writes that she didn’t even have a phone number for Siobhan to contact her, and heard through a third party that it would “likely” be okay for OP to show up at the party. The only thing horrifying to me about this tale is the OP grasping at the ghost of a “friendship” that obviously isn’t there.

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Abby October 31, 2013 at 7:14 am

That is ungodly rude and hurtful no doubt, but…you bought an expensive, imported gift for someone who’s number you don’t even have??? That seems rather bizarre to me.

So did Phelan go? It sounds like Siobhan was okay with some friends of her ex being there, just not the OP. And it sounds like Phelan was closer to the ex than the OP (since Phelan is the one who informed OP of the growing rift between Siobhan and her ex) and yet Siobhan is okay with Phelan being there, but not OP. Either Siobhan is just a mean girl, or something specific about the OP makes her uncomfortable, and she addressed it in an extremely rude, immature way.

I mean, she pretty much hit every single etiquette blunder. Sounds like you’re better off not being friends with her.

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Taragail October 31, 2013 at 7:15 am

I would say its obvious she catagorized her acquaintances; you were ‘his’ friend, not hers, Facebook not withstanding.

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Ergala October 31, 2013 at 7:35 am

Ouch…just ouch. Honestly I’d not even lose sleep over it. Yes it’s normal to feel the sting and hurt after being uninvited…but it’s a small bump in the road.

We do a Thanksgiving party each year after the actual holiday. We do not invite everyone nor do we make a public event on FB. I do have some friends I’d rather NOT invite simply because of their behavior. I have one friend who will literally eat us out of house and home. He is never ever full and is quite large (well over 400 pounds). When he is over he disappears into my bedroom and logs onto my computer to “check his email” but is in there for hours. Then I find he has logged me out of all my accounts and left himself logged in. And then all my settings are changed on my computer. He is also a know it all, he will argue with people about anything and everything. We had a friend who used to work on the radio and my friend proceeded to tell him he didn’t believe he worked in radio because he himself had in the past and the guy didn’t sound like he had. Well (we shall call friend J) never ever ever worked radio….at all. I’ve known him since high school. He only ever worked road construction. My jaw dropped at that blatant lie and it made me wonder what other lies he has told. So no our events are not public when he is not invited, he will either just show up or he will keep asking details about it. We keep it 100% quiet.

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Miss Merlot October 31, 2013 at 8:34 am

The other side:

“I am a D&D fan, and through my ex-boyfriend at one such event, I met a friend of his – I’ll call her Susan.

Susan seemed a nice enough girl, and we chatted on the few occasions when we were at events together, but we never got past the acquaintance stage, despite the fact we did have a few other mutual friends in common. She did send me a friend request on Facebook, which I accepted out of politeness, and didn’t really think much about after that.

I was surprised then when, after splitting from my ex (wihout going into details, a painful break-up, after which I tried to distance myself from him and his social circle – just too awkward), Susan kept initiating contact with me via Facebook (not knowing her well, I had never shared any of my other contact details with her), even purchasing me a pair of glow-in-the-dark dice (ummmm….) for my birthday, which she also presumably knew of via Facebook.

When it came to planning my Halloween party, as every year I put up a general invitation on Facebook – until now it’s not been a problem, but I appreciate I may have made a rod for my own back this time round…

I was surprised then to see an RSVP from Susan, who after all I had only met on a few occasions and not seen for a while since my split with the ex, but hoped she might just have sent it without actually meaning to attend – I didn’t want to reply saying I wouldn’t be comfortable with her attending, when she may not ever have seriously been planning to… I accept that was my mistake – I should have been upfront from the start.

However, I didn’t hear anything from her after that, so assumed she must not be coming after all.

2 days before the party, Susan Facebook messages me again to ask for directions to my place, so I felt I did have to respond this time. I really tried to strike a friendly note – as I mentioned, she seemed a nice enough girl, but one who I barely knew and belonged to my ex-boyfriend’s group of friends, which I wasn’t really comfortable with hanging around with any further. Truth be told, after the split with my ex, I was starting to get a bit of a “stalky” vibe off her as well…

I also privatised the event (too little too late I know!) and defriended her on Facebook.

I hear through the grapevine now that she is apparently “outraged” at the perceived slight, and is also making disparaging comments about my latest relationship, which happens to be with a woman (I’m bisexual, but – being something of a personal issue – never thought to bring that factoid up in my limited conversations with her!).

I have now definitely learnt my lesson about how to handle Facebook invitations in future!”

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Wild Irish Rose October 31, 2013 at 8:39 am

You got lucky.

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NicoleK October 31, 2013 at 8:44 am

Why did you buy a Christmas gift for someone you barely knew? Perhaps she thought you were being a little too clingy and needed space. Regardless, it was rude of her.

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The Elf October 31, 2013 at 8:53 am

Oh, Facebook. How I loathe thee.

Problem 1 is the Facebook invites vs. real life invites. It immediately creates a situation where some people are “invited” and everyone else really isn’t. The distinction isn’t always clear, so you end up with situations like this.

Problem 2 is assuming that boyfriend’s friends can no longer be your friends. Unless the break-up was horrible and would create a lot of social awkwardness (say, if arguments over D&D was central to the breakup), there’s no reason to completely shun people you met through a relationship. What’s the worst thing that happens, that you make another friend? Even if Siobhan was just pretending to like Mordechai’s friends, one person you’re not crazy about at a big party where you’ve invited ALLLLLLLL your friends is not a big deal.

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Cat October 31, 2013 at 8:54 am

The fact that she waited until the last minute to uninvite you makes me think she did it deliberately. There are people who enjoy that kind of power play. You don’t need to reply, but I would be tempted to write, “Oh, great, I was wondering how I was going to make two parties the same night, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Normally, I don’t advocate lying but taking away the power is sometimes a good lesson for the resident witch of the party.

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DGS October 31, 2013 at 8:57 am

What bothers me the most about this post is not Siobhan’s thoughtless rudeness in disinviting OP to her party (it sounds like she may have carelessly posted an all-are-welcome invitation on Facebook before realizing that she did not in fact, mean to invite the universe, and then, had committed a faux-pas by disinviting the OP in a rather condescending manner), but the judgmental, callous and catty way that OP has chosen to dissect Siobhan because Siobhan did not want to be her friend, whereas OP was interested in being friends with Siobhan. First of all, what does Siobhan courting a woman have to do with anything, and how is that any of OP’s or anybody’s business? Her sexual orientation is none of anyone’s concern but hers.

Second of all, the tone of this post smacks of the sort of middle school jealousy and gossipy resentment that is quite frankly, pitiful in (to use the OP’s metaphor) “grown-&!&” people. What went wrong in Siobhan and Mordechai’s relationship, and the OP’s perceptions thereof and her and Phelan’s ongoing speculations about other people’s love life? None of your business. If Mordechai or Siobhan chose to share their relationship woes with you or with Phelan, or solicited your opinions, that would have been one thing but the endless speculation about how their relationship has soured is pointless and not any of your business. Two adults dated; two adults broke up. End of story.

Furthermore, it sounded as thought OP was enamored with Siobhan and eager to be her friend (including purchasing a costly Christmas gift that may have been an overly intimate present for a casual acquiantance), whereas Siobhan was not interested in anything but the most casual of social relationships with a friend of her then-boyfriend and content to not pursue anything more intimate than a “friendship” on Facebook and being warm towards one another at shared group gatherings. Then, when OP was snubbed by the popular girl and disinvited from the cool party, OP acted every bit the aggrieved teenage girl and pouted, sulked and posted online about what a terrible person said popular girl was. What it comes down to is that OP misinterpreted Siobhan’s social signals – nowhere in the post do I see signs that Siobhan was interested in pursuing a closer friendship with OP.

Yes, it’s disappointing when someone doesn’t want to be your friend, especially when that person supposedly disinvites you from a party that it sounds as though you were never really invited to in the first place. Yes, Siobhan was thoughtless and clumsy in how she handled the invitation (don’t post anything on FB that you don’t want everyone and their Grandma to see) and how she handled disinviting the OP. However, OP sounds like a bitter middle-schooler here. So, Siobhan didn’t want to be your friend and handled it poorly? Chalk it up to life experiences to learn from and move on, rather than hanging on to the resentment and jealousy.

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Library Diva October 31, 2013 at 9:20 am

It always stings when your friendship overtures are rebuffed like that. It sounds as though you’re better off not being friends with her, but still, she handled it in a very crappy manner. Honestly, if the parties are as huge as she portrayed them, she wouldn’t have known whether you were there or not.

I think your solution about not using the event app is a good one. Several years ago, I created an “event” for my former co-workers. There was an Irish bar across the street that threw a huge St. Patrick’s Day party. We were trying to coordinate everyone to go, and I set it up through Facebook. I thought I had invited just current and former co-workers. Apparently, EVERYONE saw, because I got a few “joke” replies saying things like “Don’t think we can make it down from Alaska in time, but have fun.” Not a big deal (it’s an event at a bar, so not like I could make it exclusive anyway) but just a stupid thing.

I’m never sure about “invitations” like that. I received one from a high school acquaintance for his Christmas party. I hadn’t seen this guy in 15 years, we weren’t close then, I was thinking “He couldn’t have actually meant this, could he?” I didn’t go and didn’t reply, but still felt a little bad when I saw his “if you’re not here you’re lame” post.

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MyWorldand October 31, 2013 at 9:25 am

Consider yourself lucky that this toxic person made it clear how she felt! Don’t waste any time feeling sorry for her either. She sounds like she would have been a miserable “friend”

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EllenS October 31, 2013 at 9:29 am

I was old enough by the age of 7, to understand that you don’t talk about parties in front of people who are not invited – much less issue general invitations to a crowd and then specifically disinvite people!

So now, we have an estimate of Siobhan’s maturity level – less than 7. The fact that she didn’t even thank you for a Christmas present (sending a verbal reaction statement through an ex-boyfriend?) might have tipped you off that she was not a paragon of courtesy.

However, I think the OP may be over-reacting. From my reading of the letter, you did not have a single in-person conversation with Siobhan for nearly a year? You actually did question whether she intended to invite you, but relied on a second-hand report rather than direct communication? You may have misjudged her as a potential friend, but you hardly had a deep, meaningful long-term friendship. This was common (in both senses) discourtesy, but not a major betrayal.

I doubt OP was the only person who got disinvited. Siobhan may in fact have been attempting to drop OP and Mordechai’s other friends from her circle for months, in which case she should have addressed the mistake directly and fixed the invitation as soon as she got RSVP’s from people she didn’t intend to invite. She learned her lesson that public invites just multiply rudeness, and hopefully she will not make such a tacky error again.

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L.J. October 31, 2013 at 9:36 am

I love the pseudonyms you chose! You seem creative and fun :)

There will always be a few bad apples and drama queens in the D&D, Larp, and MMO world. At least you found out early and without too much drama what Siobhan is really like. She and Mordechai will probably get back together and break up a few more times. If you have to interact socially with her again, just be polite but distant.

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PhDeath October 31, 2013 at 9:40 am

I agree that announcing events to the world (when the world isn’t invited!) is bad form. And Siobhan absolutely should have informed you immediately when you RSVPed that you weren’t actually invited (again, UGH!).

I don’t see why her dating a woman has anything to do with anything, though.

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startruck October 31, 2013 at 9:45 am

her loss on getting a really good friend just because she broke up with her boyfriend. i dont get people like this and thats fine. some people just aren’t meant to be your friends.

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Jewel October 31, 2013 at 9:56 am

Yes, you are well rid of Siobhan and it’s unfortunate that your feelings were hurt. The thing is: Siobhan was never really your friend. It’s hard to pick up on social cues sometimes but a big one is that you didn’t get together in person/talk unless Mordechai was present. Another big cue was when she didn’t even bother to thank you directly for the Christmas gift. And, unless an invite is directed to you personally, it’s best to disregard any “invite” generically posted on Facebook. The silver lining to this situation is that you’ve learned a great lesson you can apply in the future when evaluating whether the interactions you are having with someone indicate friendship…or not. As for Siobhan, let’s wish her the best (’cause, with her bumbling offensive personality, she’s gonna need all the help she can get)!

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Allie October 31, 2013 at 10:09 am

I took the “courting a woman” comment as meant to suggest she was unsuccessfully courting her, which was another source of misery in addition to losing friends, presumably on account of her lack of etiquette. This kind of ending is quite common on Etiquette Hell. I think people feel a need to prove they are justified in taking offense by offering some “proof.” I don’t think you are homophobic or meant anything else by offering this detail, OP. I think you tried to be too friendly too fast and she just wasn’t interested. Maybe take it a little slower next time so you have time to figure out whether the other person is interested in the same level of friendship.

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flora October 31, 2013 at 10:19 am

Siobbon’s worst ettiquette crime, IMHO, is how she handled the disinvite. She should have either invited her anyways and let the lesson be learned or disinvited her as soon as she got the RSVP with a sincere apology. Granted, the OP did not handle this as maturly as she should have, but I can forgive that. There are worse things then venting on a ettiquette site.

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Stacey Frith-Smith October 31, 2013 at 10:30 am

Seriously? Facebook is sadly misused ALL of the time to issue invitations, announcements and to dispense all kinds of information- and it’s sometimes done without much regard for the status of relationships in real life. If you don’t “see” someone in real life, the odds are not in favor of your being welcome at their party. (But she was rude, careless and graceless, no doubt! Perhaps that is some comfort to you now- it seems you’ve dodged the proverbial bullet.)

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Abby October 31, 2013 at 10:34 am

@ Miss Merlot-

While I do think parts of your post are true- OP was perhaps being a little too forward with some of her overtures to cultivate Siobhan’s friendship, and Siobhan was uncomfortable and not interested in getting to know OP better, I do think her FB message to OP was pretty rude. I mean “soooooo sorry”?? That is not sorry at all. That’s like the bitchy fake sorry that girls give each other in middle school. And plus, Siobhan evidently throws ragers. Is OP coming to a party where she has lots of friends also attending really that big of a problem, to the point that it’s worth disinviting and causing hurt feelings? It wasn’t like OP wouldn’t know anyone else, and Siobhan feared that as the host she’d be stuck babysitting OP all night.

My guess is that you’re right about OP being pushy with Siobhan, and that Siobhan really hadn’t intended on inviting OP (which, come on, putting it on Facebook is just tacky in that case), and Siobhan hoped that OP would just decide not to come on her own, but when it was clear it wasn’t going to work out that way, I think an abrupt, I don’t want you to come, with an insincere sorry! tacked on is just the height of rudeness.

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KMC October 31, 2013 at 10:35 am

So any mention of the fact that she is now dating a woman is homophobic? She didn’t say anything negative about her dating a woman. The OP didn’t even mention it until she was giving closing remarks as an update of what was going on in the person’s life. The mention of the fact that she was losing friends sounds like it’s because of the way she treats people. Which was the point of the OP’s story.

I understand her not wanting friends of her ex at her party. But she really should have kept the event private in that case.

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Goldie October 31, 2013 at 10:54 am

Yup, OP, you two were never friends. She should’ve said something as soon as she saw your RSVP, though. Or (like the rest of us adults do) made the event private, invite-only.

Generally, people dropping their ex’s friends (or their friends’ exes), choosing sides in someone else’s breakup, choosing which of the two exes they want to stay friends with and dropping the other like a hot potato after years of friendship, etc. is my pet peeve. But, once again, these two were never friends. One conversation, followed by a year of one-sided birthday wishes and like, does not count. (OP, did Siobhan ever wish you a happy birthday? did she ever initiate contact?) Being FB friends does not count, people have thousands of FB friends. Oh and another thing – OP, if you wanted to get to know Siobhan on her own merits, the good way to do it would’ve been to ask her to get together for coffee/lunch/etc a long time ago, rather than all of a sudden RSVP to a party that she is “renowned for”. Siobhan probably thought you were interested, not so much in her, as in her party.

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shhh October 31, 2013 at 11:12 am

There were a few sentences that struck my in particular , maybe it was just OPs choice of words…..
Phelan, kept telling me of fights the two were having and how they were starting to fall apart. Why, had you been asking?

I figured they were simply trying to work things out and said nothing of the matter, though it was awkward trying to talk to him (about game matters) while she was still in the room.
Why was this so awkward , if her being in the room made you uncomfortable why did you want to go to her party a year or so later.

Eventually, the two broke up, but I kept things friendly with Siobhan through Facebook (birthday wishes and the like), and even bought her a set of glow-in-the-dark dice for Christmas; not the cheapo stuff either, but imported, tough dice that wouldn’t chip or fade. Mordechai informed me that she greatly appreciated the dice. “I kept things friendly…” Did she reply in PM or initiate conversation? How did you get the gift to her ? did you ask her EX BF to take a gift to her or one of her other friends or did you met up with her somewhere and edit that out for space? From how its written I see someone who made small friendship overtures for almost a year (Christmas to Halloween) with no reciprocation and not even acknowledgment of a gift. About the gift if she isn’t a gamer are may have had no idea the gift was “nice” and not something along the lines of a chocolate coin or minicandy cane. I may not think to thank someone I received a candy cane from passed through a 2nd person OR she knew how expensive they were and it may her uncomfortable because it was a very large gift from an acquaintance (I looked up dice they were $29.99 maybe your’s we’re that expensive or maybe they were more) If you didn’t give your mutual friends similar gifts , people who knew longer and spent much more time with, that could make someone very very uncomfortable .

that she would likely be okay with me coming. Did Phelan tell you this with no mention of the party from you , even then its not exactly welcoming ” likely ” and “OK” thats not even “Sure” and “happy” from a 3rd person. IF you had to ask as a reply to “should I come?” its not even lukewarm.

for one night, made me forget about Siobhan. You forgot but for one night only ?

I notice that she a.) removed the “ALL MY FRIENDS” line from the event, b.) made the event private, and c.) de-friended me. How did you notice all 3? once the event was private how would you see she removed the line “all my Friends”

Last I heard of Siobhan, she was courting a woman.
This is only relevant if there is something missing from the story …….” When I asked Siobhan out she said “No I’m straight”. Which if included would likely would change the story to one about not trying to force a friendship after being turned down for a date.

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Anastasia October 31, 2013 at 11:22 am

Ugh, I hate it when people use ” sweetie” in that way, they sound as though they’re talking to a child. It’s just plain obnoxious.

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KA October 31, 2013 at 11:32 am

Siobhan was very rude in how she handled the invitation and unfriending, though I do agree that the signs were all there for the OP had she cared to read them. It doesn’t excuse nastiness on Siobhan’s part – if this is really a huge shindig with an open invitation, why does she care if OP shows up?

This just goes to show how ridiculous FB can be. If I wouldn’t hang out with you IRL or say hello if I saw you on the street, you’re not my “friend,” and there’s no reason for us to interact in cyberspace either.

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Miss Merlot October 31, 2013 at 11:39 am

@ Abby – very possibly! Am playing devil’s advocate to some extent, but the OP’s pushiness and lack of ability to take a hint would have made me decidedly uncomfortable in Siobhan’s place.

Am very interested to hear OP’s feedback on this one!

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JackieJormpJomp October 31, 2013 at 11:53 am

Did you buy Mordechi and Phelan gifts too? Because that is a big gift for someone you aren’t even friends with on any personal level. Because you come off as though you were sort-of stalkerish with Siobhan, right from your first over-insistence that you started talkinging to her “just to be her friend. Really”. I mean, that struck me as really odd to state, right off the bat.
I think Siobhan seems freaked out by your coming on really strong. I don’t blame her.

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Girlie October 31, 2013 at 12:49 pm

I LOVE Miss Merlot’s other side!

It seems like the OP is a little too concerned about someone that has no interested in being friends with them. Why would he buy her a Christmas present? That’s a little weird if you ask me..

And yes, posting an event publicly like that on Facebook is always a bad idea, but why would he think he’s automatically invited? Her reply was awkward, but what else would she do… I constantly see people saying “Everyone send me your addresses for weddings/birthday invites!” or something along those lines, but if they ACTUALLY want me to attend I figure they’ll private message me or contact me some other way.

I think the whole story is just weird.

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Shaw October 31, 2013 at 12:56 pm

Facebook is ridiculous for many reasons.

The OP sounds off the charts. Buying a costly Christmas gift for a friend’s ex girlfriend makes no sense and is weird.

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June First October 31, 2013 at 1:04 pm

Ah, the difference between Facebook “friends” and real-life “friends”.
OP, I really like Cat’s response: “Oh, great, I was wondering how I was going to make two parties the same night, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

That seems like a great face-saver. Also, as per usual, I agree with Library Diva.

I am typing this as kindly as possible:
It’s the kind of situation where you recognize she reacted poorly to your request, but this might also be a good opportunity for you to lo0k at your own behavior. I used to be that way about dating when I was in my early 20s. I’d think of myself as a “modern woman” who didn’t want to “play games” and if I liked a guy, I would go up and tell him and make sure he knew. But it took me a while to realize that might be off-putting to some people. Actually, a lot of people. And sometimes we need a wake-up call like this to realize we can change some of our behavior, too.

So, in an odd way, she did you a favor. She taught you about traits you value in friendship, in addition to showing her true colors in that sarcastic email.

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Dee October 31, 2013 at 1:14 pm

Ugh. Facebook. Why was an open casting call on Facebook being mistaken for an “invitation”? An invitation comes personally to a person, is not an open advertisement. When something that impersonal is broadcast you can be sure there will be “misunderstandings” and sore feelings. If I can’t be invited personally – and really, how hard could that be? Email? Snail mail? A phone call? – then I’m not very important to the host/ess, am I? So why would I want to go? Happily, not using social media means I almost never encounter this kind of manufactured drama.

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Jay October 31, 2013 at 1:39 pm

Was kinda rude of her, but the mistake was a huge blanket facebook invitation. You really were never her real-life friend in any way… right? So she corrected that oversight in a very straightforward and (as a result) somewhat rude manner, but it was still an oversight.. she didn’t intend to invite you.

Also, I got the impression that this story was only posted for the opportunity to use three uncommon names as aliases :)

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Cerys October 31, 2013 at 1:48 pm

@L.J.

“There will always be a few bad apples and drama queens in the D&D, Larp, and MMO world.”

Surely there will always be a few bad apples and drama queens in *any* world….

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Anonymous October 31, 2013 at 2:08 pm

I’m on Team OP. Facebook first became popular when I was in university, and people pulled this kind of “invite the world to your Party of the Year so everyone knows how cool you are, and then disinvite the undesirables” stunt all the time. People say she’s been “clinging to Siobhan,” but really, I’m sure that those same people would have thought her rude if she’d dumped Siobhan when she broke up with Mordechai. OP’s words and actions said, clearly, “I’d like to remain friends with both of you,” which, on its face, is admirable. If Siobhan didn’t want to be OP’s friend, then two days before the Halloween party isn’t the time to say so–she should have spoken up beforehand, AND made the Halloween party a Closed event on Facebook right from the start. I’ve heard some people say that it’s “easier to make it Open [and then cull the undesirables],” because then they don’t have to go to the trouble of specifically inviting the people they DO want, but that’s just it–it often takes more effort to be polite than to be rude. It takes more effort to plan an event where everyone is comfortable, and keep it reasonably private from those who aren’t invited, than to blab about it indiscriminately and blame the victims for their hurt feelings; just like it takes more effort to shower and brush your teeth every day, than it does to go out in public with B.O. and bad breath, and telling others to “mind their own business” if they find the smell offensive. I’d consider Siobhan’s actions to be the etiquette equivalent of that.

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Anonymous October 31, 2013 at 2:28 pm

P.S., I didn’t take the OP’s comment about Siobhan courting a woman and being unhappy, as homophobia, and I’m dead-set against homophobia, as a card-carrying straight ally. No; I just took it as “Siobhan is unsuccessfully lusting after another person, and is unhappy.” If the OP had written “man” in place of “woman,” then nobody would think anything of it. Maybe this will be a “learning experience” for Siobhan; being rebuffed by someone with whom she wants a relationship (romantic, platonic, whatever), and by being dropped by her existing friends as well–some will take Mordechai’s side in the breakup, and others will inevitably just drop her because of the way she treats people.

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Angel October 31, 2013 at 3:31 pm

I get a bit of a stalkerish vibe just from the OP’s side of the story–I can only imagine how it would seem from Siobhan’s side of the story. Buying an expensive gift for someone you are not close friends with is just one of the red flags that went up when I read the story. But also, expecting to remain friends with an acquaintance after she and your friend have broken up–uh, no. Probably not going to happen unless you knew her beforehand.

I agree she should not have put ALL friends up there on her FB page, because it can easily be misinterpreted. She also should have not blown the OP off in the manner that she did.

But, OP, with all due respect, you need to turn the page.

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acr October 31, 2013 at 3:35 pm

While Siobahn’s behavior was not particularly nice or graceful…reading between the lines, she was sending you, OP, big NOT INTERESTED signals. You gave her a gift. Mordechai – not Siobhan – told you she “greatly appreciated” the gift. I would bet money that something like this happened: Siobahn wandered why the heck this person she met a handful of times gave her a present. You asked Mordechai if she got the present; he gave you the polite response, “Yes, she loved it, she told me to tell you thanks.” Hint – if she’d loved the dice and was at all interested in a friendship with you, she would have called, emailed, or sent and FB message telling you thanks.

You ask all of your mutual contacts (not really even friends, it sounds like ) if it would be okay to RSVP. Like an above poster said…if you have to ask, probably not. And you want to get to know her on her own merits – exactly how much time has passed here? It’s been long enough for a relationship to blossom, wither and die and for you to give her a gift – wouldn’t any “getting to know her” that was going to happen have happened by now?

Not trying to hurt your feelings, OP – I think you just wanted to make a new friend, and that’s okay. But you basically chased this woman and maybe even built an imaginary friendship in your head. She was brusque with you – but if you had read any of the many signals of disinterest she had sent, she wouldn’t have had to be.

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Kristin October 31, 2013 at 4:00 pm

People do seem to sometimes use Facebook to get around the annoying obligations of real friendship — like sending out proper party invitations and actually getting together to share some physical space. OP is well rid of this rude, willfully mean person.

I didn’t realize you aren’t allowed to be friends with a friend’s ex-girlfriend, though. Does that violate The Code of the Schoolyard or something? How is it that Phelan (one of several mutual friends) got to go, but not the OP?

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waitress wonderwoman October 31, 2013 at 4:18 pm

People have GOT to stop confusing Facebook friends with real friends. If you don’t have someone’s phone number, they are probably not a real life friend.
I wonder why OP would be giving expensive gifts to a friend’s ex. That sounds kind of shady. Also the whole “she’s miserable now” thing reeks of immaturity. OP doesn’t know that. Even if she is, what does that mean? You won?

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shhh October 31, 2013 at 4:26 pm

One more small point. If I understand the time line correctly.

Siobhan and Mordechai date for several months broke up then OP gave Siobhan A Christmas gift. So what happened last Halloween? Either Mordechai and Siobhan had would have been dating for months when last years party happened or more recently broken up. IF OP wasn’t invited to that party why would she be invited to this one when they’re acquaintance had become even more tenuous.

The situation does illustrate why open events on facebook are a terrible idea , people who think know they are not invited will think they are invited.

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waitress wonderwoman October 31, 2013 at 4:27 pm

With that being said, doesn’t the OP clearly state Mordechai is a she? Why are people quick to label her homophobic?

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waitress wonderwoman October 31, 2013 at 4:45 pm

Wait, now that I re-read the post (the names kinda confused me), Mordechai is a guy. My bad.

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Abby October 31, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Does anyone else get a “Penny and Amy Farrah Fowler” vibe from the way OP talks about Siobhan?

I think this story is an old submission. Too bad, I’d love to hear an update from OP.

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