Snubbed? Take The Initiative Next Time

by admin on June 24, 2014

This past week I was part of the volunteer staff for an annual summer camp for teens that I have been on for three years now. A number of other young adults are on the staff too.

On the last night of the camp, all the staff went out to dinner. As things were winding down and people were beginning to leave, one young woman decides to invite people to her place for drinks. Except, she only invites specific people. She goes around the different conversation groups that had formed, saying to certain people “Hey, come over to my place after”.  She does not say anything to me.

Then, she talks about what drinks she had and what they were going to do. I felt a bit awkward and at first I thought, maybe she just skipped me accidentally and will say something when I say goodbye to her, but she doesn’t. When she invited the people around me and not me, I almost said, “Hey, am I invited?”

I later found out that there were about 3 people in that group of around 12 that she did not invite.

Am I right in thinking that what she did was rude? And what would be the best way to handle such a situation in future? 0621-14

There is nothing proactive you can do since it would then appear you were fishing for an invitation.   You suck it up, say nothing and then thank your deity of choice that you were saved from forming a substantive association with someone so crass and shallow.   Honestly, who would really want to socialize with people like this or the sheeple who accepted her invitation without caring that others were rudely and publicly snubbed? I wouldn’t.   You cannot depend on other people to make you happy or feel accepted or to have fun.    In life there are these defining moments when you realize the people around you are aliens from the Planet Booron and you would be better off finding different (and normal) people to hang with.    Or you realize that he/she who takes the initiative gets to call the shots..meaning the next time you be the one who invites people to go somewhere/do something rather than leaving that to the Boorons to do.

{ 77 comments… read them below or add one }

Weaver June 24, 2014 at 3:39 am

I agree with admin – why would you want to hang around with someone like that? What she did was rude, definitely, but best to just ignore it in this situation I think.

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Timothy June 24, 2014 at 4:00 pm

It’s not necessarily wanting to hang out, but more of not wanting to be left out.

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Jewel June 25, 2014 at 11:41 am

Right — it’s not the desire to be invited but rather the desire to not be so obviously excluded that’s the issue.

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Weaver June 26, 2014 at 2:32 am

Oh, I get that and completely agree. I just meant that if the OP can look at it in hindsight with “why would I want to hang around with someone like that”, it might be easier to ignore the situation and move on.

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Marozia June 24, 2014 at 4:51 am

Who’d want to associate with a boor (bore, boar??) like that?
Thank your lucky stars that you didn’t get invited!

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Sceptical Ant June 24, 2014 at 6:10 am

It’s not the other people making plans that gets me as really that’s fine. It’s the annoyance of someone making and discussing plans for a subset of the group on the spur of the moment in front of everyone. Making someone feel like they are on the periphery of the moment, witnesses who are in a second class, or simply not good enough for some things/ events others want to do next is very very rude.

I’ve had a very similar experience to this with former workmates and I’m not sure what I did was 100% polite but I would say you can be a little proactive if you sincerely only want to keep the group together (and not call someone out as being rude in their planning). About 16 of us went for a meal and afterwards we slowly wondered outside. As we got up and gathered our things 10 of us, who worked there longer, were invited round to one man’s house for drinks and a bit of music, before going back out. I think he was trying to be subtle catching people on their own but having had a few drinks everyone heard the plan and many repeated it across the room. Anyway, once we were outside we were split: 6 stood a few feet to one side while 10 people stood discussing the meal, trying to decide what route to take etc. Although the boss was complaining that the group should really try and stick together, feeling guilty looking at us 6 to one side. I overheard the “hosts” reply: he said his living room was too small (actually I did go there once and to be fair it was made for no more than 10-12 people).

The situation was changed when one girl (actually the newest girl) looked at our group and asked whether we newbies should do something. So… I’m not sure if it is a faux pas… I decided to announce loudly (well loader than you’d need to talk to 5 people within 3 feet of you) “You know it’s funny I’d forgotten until you said newbies, but you know that new cocktail bar 5 minutes away? My friend is the manager there I’m sure I could call and get us a table and some sort of deal.” The 10 overheard and the women relished the idea of having “proper” drinks out. Anyway a quick phone call later and I announced to the other 10 where we 6 were going and that it was happy hour until 9:30. The 3 women of the main group, my boss and another man immediately broke off. The other 5 followed with the wannabe host protesting he didn’t like cocktails.

As I say I’m not say if you invite everyone in a group to do something when you know some of the group has started making plans is the most gracious move… But most did have a great night.

Actually having gotten to know the man in this story better I can tell you that he probably wasn’t trying to snub anyone. Instead as he lived near by his plan was probably to give people a few drinks then use this generosity to leverage some drinks from others later or on the next time (our boss was a stickler for keeping track of the round and knowing when someone hadn’t provided drinks for a while)… in other words he was a bit of a cheapskate.

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Rebecca June 24, 2014 at 10:07 pm

Sounds like a good solution to me. Invite the snubbed people to something better, and make sure the other “included” people know they are welcome to join the snubbed. Hahhaa.

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Jewel June 24, 2014 at 6:54 am

Sadly, you may never find a large enough pool of people who understand what’s wrong with this behavior from which to choose your friends. I’m closing in on my 50′s and there are SO many people out there that do this that if I were to shun them all, I would have to give up most of my social groups. Sadly, I can think of maybe 4 people who I trust would never behave this way. Four.

So, as a counter-attack, there must be something that can be done in-the-moment to shut down boorish behavior?! What about saying loudly, “Hey! Everyone’s invited, right?”, then sitting back and watching the boor get flustered or angry. If it’s anger, you can always sweetly retort, “Oh, excuse me. I just thought it would be easier for you to issue a mass invite instead of picking and choosing right in front of everyone else.”

I did employ a similar strategy (after the fact) when several women in one of my social groups held forth about the fun they all had at another member’s recent party. Apparently, half or more of the group had been invited. I wasn’t in that half, so I mused aloud as to why I hadn’t been invited. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough of a hint to shut down the conversation. One of the women actually replied, “She only invited her closest friends out of this group” to which I retorted, “Oh, I thought I was one of her closest friends.” FINALLY, she became embarrassed enough to find a new topic of conversation that was more inclusive of everyone. This was no young woman, but one in her 50′s. I like to think she learned a lesson that day, but I don’t know — a boor’s brain doesn’t take improvement easily.

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Anonymous June 24, 2014 at 7:17 am

@Jewel–I don’t publicly exclude people, so I’ll be your friend. My mom taught me the “don’t talk about a party in front of people who aren’t invited” rule in kindergarten, when I started handing out birthday party invitations at school, but my parents had the “one guest for each year of age” rule in effect, to prevent the party from devolving into chaos. But hey, wouldn’t it technically be rude to publicly exclude the people from being friends with us, even if it’s BECAUSE they publicly exclude people from things?

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Jewel June 24, 2014 at 10:27 am

Thank you! Welcome to my friendship! We should be fine if we exclude privately, rather than publicly. :)

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Cat June 24, 2014 at 3:04 pm

Would you please talk to my uncle? He sends me photos of family events to which I am not invited. He is clueless as to why that is rude.

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Jewel June 24, 2014 at 5:00 pm

Maybe you should respond (each.and.every.time.), “Gee, looks fun. Wish I had been invited.”

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Cat June 25, 2014 at 2:01 pm

I took the straightforward approach and told him I had no interest in seeing pictures of parties to which I had not been invited. When I have a party, I never send photos to those I did not invite. “Look at all the fun we had. Too bad nobody wanted you there.”

Mary June 25, 2014 at 2:41 pm

I would follow Jewel’s advice with that one.
However I wonder if your uncle is telling your parents and just assuming that they are passing it on? We have this problem with my MIL. Her siblings inform all of the other siblings and the parents are expected to inform their children. Except my my MIL is under the assumption that we have been informed of all events via Facebook (which she is not on since she is not computer literate. She thinks we already know all family news this way. I have to tell her over and over again that she should never assume we already know what is going on and she should just call us.

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MyWorld June 24, 2014 at 7:07 am

It it pretty clear that way back in kindergarten, her mother never taught her that either you invite the entire class to your birthday party or you don’t hand out the invitations at school.

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Anonymous June 24, 2014 at 7:10 am

I had a similar experience my first year of university, with this one girl who was charismatic, and well-intentioned, but was actually kind of clueless–there was the time when she bought candy necklaces for everyone in our friend group, except me, and the time when she invited everyone in our friend group to play laser tag, except me, because “all the cars going to the laser tag arena are full,” and after a while, it just got old, so I distanced myself from her. It helped that she was a “proximity friend,” i.e., someone I met in the residence building, rather than someone I sought out based on common interests. It also helped that university is a much larger place, where it’s much easier to find someone else to hang out with, or “make your own fun” if something isn’t working with one specific person/group of people. The OP’s situation is much more insular–twelve camp counsellors celebrating the end of the summer camp season, after having spent a fair bit of time together over the past few months, sharing inside jokes, etc., and then, out of nowhere, after the “team” dinner, the OP got excluded from the after-outing, by people who she probably considered as friends. So, while “buck up and disengage from the sheeple” is good advice, it’s probably easier said than done. I’ve disengaged from many sheeple in my time, but it’s one of those things that you can only get better at, by doing it.

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Stacey Frith-Smith June 24, 2014 at 7:59 am

Mean girls go to camp? Anyway- you don’t have to stew over the rudeness of others. There are always going to be events that you won’t be invited to. You will likewise not host absolutely everyone at your own events. What made this so awkward was her making the rounds to ask almost, but not quite all, of you. Forget it! It’s done.

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michelle June 24, 2014 at 8:20 am

The OP’s story is sadly not out of the ordinary, but nonetheless shameful on the person doing the excluding.

This reminded me of a little “saying” I’ve never forgotten from the time I was a child. I grew up in a neighborhood where all the neighbors knew each other and were on friendly terms. All of us kids played together, and it was really, well, overall just a very nice neighborhood. People were considerate of each other, the whole nine yards. Except for one memorable event – the wedding of one of the daughters two houses down from ours. Some of the people in the neighborhood made the cut for an invitation, but my parents and the nicest elderly lady (I’ll call her Mrs. Jones) in the world who lived in the house next door to the bride-to-be were not invited. Now, I don’t think my mom took this snub to heart, but Mrs. Jones had watched the Lori (the bride) grow up from the time she was a very little girl and Mrs. Jones was rather hurt and offended that others in the neighborhood were invited but she was not. Mrs. Jones wasn’t part of the “country club set”, which is what we always figured this part of the guest list was based on.

Then I remember one day around the time of the wedding, Mrs. Jones came over to see my Mom and, smiling, handed her a little piece of newspaper she’d found somewhere on which was typed the following: “Even if asked, I wouldn’t go. But oh, for the pleasure of saying no!”

I’ve always remembered that saying. Mom hung it on the refrigerator, and we got a kick out of it for some time afterwards!

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Alicia June 24, 2014 at 9:09 am

Any chance that she thought she had hit all the groups and was really inviting everyone but ijust missed you by accident?

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hakayama June 25, 2014 at 12:03 am

Even Dr. Phil says NO to giving “benefit of the doubt”.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… ;-)

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earthgirl June 24, 2014 at 9:56 am

I was once invited out to a social event by a friendly acquaintance, who then spent the entire evening with a group of her friends speaking about one of two things: the party they had all been at the previous weekend, and the party they were all going to the next weekend. I didn’t expect to be invited to said parties because the hosts were only passing acquaintances of mine, but I was uncomfortable being in the center of the discussion about the parties, because I couldn’t contribute (beyond, “Oh, that sounds like fun”). My attempts at changing the subject were more or less ignored, or didn’t last long, it seemed like all roads led back to discussion about those two parties. I eventually got up and started mingling with other guests at the event only to be dragged back to the original group by the woman who had invited me in the first place, she seemed confused that my interaction with her was different than it had been previously. I don’t think she realized at all why I felt uncomfortable, and we didn’t have a close enough relationship that I felt comfortable telling her.
I don’t think I saw her again afterward, if I did it was only once or twice, the friendship never really developed, and I feel like the awkwardness at that event was a big part of it.

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kingsrings June 24, 2014 at 3:22 pm

I also hate it when that happens! Been there, done that. I’m dreading that that very thing might occur in the near future when two friends of mine get married in a few months. I didn’t make the cut for the wedding invites, which I’m very disappointed about but completely understand and am not upset at the couple. However, since I know a good amount of our mutual friends have been invited, I fear that most social occasions between now and then will be taken up by nothing but wedding talk. What am I supposed to do or say while they’re all talking about the upcoming wedding? Whip out my phone and play with that while they’re talking about something that won’t pertain to me?

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charliesmum June 25, 2014 at 7:12 am

The same thing happened to me. Close friends of mine were invited to a wedding of a mutual acquaintance. (I didn’t really expect to be invited, although I admit to feeling a bit hurt since I had thought I was more part of this ‘core group’ than apparently I was) After the wedding one friend of mine kept going on and on and on about how much fun it was, and it was the best wedding ever, and I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt by it all, as much as I tried not to be.

It also amused me, as I’d had a wedding only the year before to which she was invited, so the whole ‘best wedding ever’ thing just kind of made me laugh. Sorry mine didn’t live up to expectation!

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kingsrings June 25, 2014 at 10:39 am

I can expect that to happen with my group of pals. While I love them dearly, I can expect them to be pretty clueless in that regard. And the couple is very popular and beloved in our social circle, so that also plays a factor in the wedding talk that will invariably occur. Facebook will be the worst – I’m sure there will be hundreds of photos posted for the following weeks of the festivities.

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kingsrings June 24, 2014 at 10:35 am

This really hits home for me, as I’ve also unfortunately had this happen to me or seen it happen to others in front of me. And the offenders are so completely oblivious to their incredibly rude, inconsiderate behavior! I’m heavily involved in our local artistic community, and because these are obviously group dynamics, it happens more frequently. I have no idea what myself or others who aren’t invited are supposed to do while people happily talk about plans that we’re not privy to. Remain silent? Call them out on their rudeness, hoping that they’ll be embarrassed enough to get a hint or a lesson? One incident I clearly remember happened two years ago. A play I’d be in had it’s last performance, and a group of us decided on the fly to go out to a local restaurant afterwards. We made sure that we extended the invite to everyone who hadn’t taken off yet. While at the restaurant, a couple of co-stars asked if afterward, we were heading on over to so-and-so co-star’s house for a little after-party on his porch, having drinks. Seems he didn’t extend that invite to everyone. We weren’t sure if that was intentional, or if he just hadn’t gotten around to it, or if he was just depending on the invite to spread by chatter. The rest of us weren’t sure if we should just show up or assume that he was being rudely selective. Either way, he should have invited every single one of us on his own. And a worse incident occurred years ago when I was a new member of a singles social group. We had met for a group dinner outing. The group host came over to the head of the table and asked who wanted to go to his house nearby afterward and watch a movie. Thinking that he was addressing us all, I joined with those who said they were interested. He then shot me a stricken “Oops!” look that told me that he wasn’t addressing me, just certain people at the table. Unbelievably rude. Thinking back, I should have taken him aside and told him just how rude that was and how it would turn off future potential members.

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Shoegal June 24, 2014 at 10:41 am

I don’t know how things like this happen in our group, so I’m not saying that anyone was intentionally rude in trying to exclude other people but “gatherings” often happen where most of the members of the group end up at a particular venue or someone’s house – everyone but my husband and I and then they all talk about what a super great time they all had in front of us at the next gathering to which we were included. Some people of the group who did not attend that impromptu “gathering” knew about it – we did not. To give them the benefit of the doubt – perhaps one person called the other and they went out then somebody else inquired about what they were doing and were invited too etc.

The woman. in asking only particular people back to her house for drinks, was incredibly rude. There was really nothing you can do about it because you can’t demand an invitation but I can completely relate to how this feels. She should have made every effort to conceal her plans but because she thought it was perfectly fine to do this in the first place then you are better off not being included.

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JO June 24, 2014 at 10:45 am

Next time, even if it’s very clear that you aren’t being included, play dumb. Speak up with a loud “sounds great! I’m in!” You may get an invitation. They may start explaining that you are not invited, in which case you sweetly say, “oh silly me. I thought since you were talking about it in front of everyone, that everyone was included.” Either way, they won’t repeat the rude behavior. And find some people to hang out with who appreciate your company.

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just4kicks June 24, 2014 at 11:05 am

I don’t know what planet that is acceptable on! How rude and hurtful. I agree with others that you may have “dodged a bullet”, but it doesn’t take the sting out. I was telling my kids the story of when I went to the junior prom many moons ago ( they found the pics and laughed themselves silly). I hung around with a small group of kids in high school, and we did everything together. Prom rolls around, and one of the guys in the group asks me, as friends, to go with him. I had a secret crush on him and was thrilled he asked. Soon after that, one of the girls in the group stops speaking to me and stops hanging out with us. Turns out, my secret crush asked her first, but his parents (who knew my folks) said he couldn’t go unless he asked ME. I was horrified, because I wasn’t his first choice, and that our friend was unceremoniously dumped for what his parents deemed a “better” choice. It was awkward all the way around. It wasn’t until a few months later when he admitted he was gay, and that his parents thought I was more feminine and girly-girl than his first choice, and maybe going to prom with me would “snap him out of it.” Good Lord. I lost a good girl friend, he was humiliated, and yes, still gay.

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remi June 24, 2014 at 6:11 pm

To be fair, I doubt the girl friend was really all that good if she’ll drop you without a word over a situation that you had no knowledge or control over when you got into it. Especially when you are explicitly going with the dude as a friend, secret crush or no.

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just4kicks June 25, 2014 at 6:50 am

I agree with you, that should not have been the deal breaker in our friendship. However, we were 16 or so at the time, and she was beyond embarrassed and humiliated once the “real” reason reared its ugly head. I think she cut ties to save herself further humiliation/angst. I would (and did) feel terrible knowing that someone’s PARENTS thought I was not “feminine” enough to escort their son to prom. All these years later, I still feel badly for her.

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AnaMaria June 24, 2014 at 11:40 am

When I was in high school, I arrived early to Sunday school one morning and found three other girls sitting in our classroom. I sat down and joined them, and a few minutes later one of the youth leaders popped in, addressed the other three girls by name and told them they were invited to her house on Friday for a girls’ night, and then left without making eye contact with me. Yeah yeah yeah, it’s her house, she volunteers to help out with the youth- still outright rude! This was the most blatant display of exclusion that I experienced in this church, but it wasn’t the first or the last. For this and many other reasons, I changed churches as soon as I reached adulthood (and found another church less than two miles away where the pastor preached from the Bible AND members of the congregation where living out what they said they believed!).

My parents continued to attend there, however, and at one point their pastor decided that, every time there was a fifth Sunday in a month, they would cancel their evening service and encourage people to get together in small groups in their homes. My dad, who is an elder in the church, ran this idea by me and I agreed that it sounded nice, but suggested their be some kind of structure to ensure that all regular attenders at the church receive some sort of invitation to someone’s home and no one was left out. My dad pointed out that, if they weren’t receiving invitations, then maybe they should take the initiative and invite people to their homes. Well, knowing this particular church “family,” I just knew (from experience) how that would play out- the less “popular” people would try to invite others into their homes, only to be told, “Oh, thanks, we were invited to Mr. and Mrs. Socialite’s home that night.”

I have absolutely no regrets about leaving that church- as I said, there were many reasons why I left, but I don’t miss wasting my energy trying to fit in with people who made me feel like an annoyance.

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PM June 24, 2014 at 3:03 pm

UGh, I’m sorry. And I’m sorrier to say that this doesn’t really get better as people grow up. I have not made friends easily in our church, but what really cinched the fact that I was not going to develop close relationships there was a spring break a few years ago. Several families from our Sunday School class went on a trip to a major tourist destination together. I am not particularly social with the wives, but my husband is close friends with the husbands. What I found rude was the fact that the families discussed it during SS class time, in front of families who were not included in their plans. But I can’t say I would have been interested in going if we had been invited, so I let it go.

When they got back, they talked about the trip in class, again, in front of people who weren’t included. And when the head organizer’s husband was telling my husband about how much fun they had and what a great bonding experience it had been for the families, he stopped suddenly, looked at my husband and said, “You know, you really should have been there. No, really, you should have gone with us.”

I did find this irritating. They talked about the trip for weeks ahead of time, in front of us. It’s not like they didn’t have time to include us. They just didn’t. And then they treated us like an after-thought. I haven’t really felt the same about the people in the class since.

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Whodunit June 24, 2014 at 4:37 pm

This is sad—- but just to play the devils advocate, are u absolutely sure u hadn’t been invited? Is it possible an invite was extended to all during a Sunday you weren’t there? Or at a special event u couldn’t attend? Just two weeks ago I found out something similar happened at church and was surprised that no invitation had been forthcoming only up find out I hadn’t been there. Of course I think invited like this should be repeated several times to make sure everyone gets it, but it’s not always done.

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Anonymouse June 24, 2014 at 6:00 pm

PM, I wonder if they meant to exclude you at all. My church has a tendency to announce plans in the bulletin, or around the church, and it’s assumed everyone is invited… even if that is not explicitly said. This extends to weddings, baptisms, potlucks, etc. I didn’t actually receive a formal wedding invitation until I was 18.

Not saying that that was the case for sure, but it definitely sounds like it could be.

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PM June 25, 2014 at 8:32 am

@Whodunit and Anonymouse,

I am sure. This was not a class trip or an organized effort by the church. This was the wives of several families in the class getting together and planning a vacation. Which is their right. Totally. I don’t begrudge them that. I do resent them talking about it in front of people who weren’t included.

Even my husband, who would not complain if someone smacked him on the nose with a tack hammer, said, “Wow, that was kind of rude”

And hakayama, please don’t take away from this that church members are bad people. I really do enjoy knowing a lot of the people who attend my church. They do wonderful work and great spirits. But I am just not built for close friendship with them. Don’t let the actions of a few spoil your perception of the many.

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hakayama June 24, 2014 at 6:32 pm

How really sad, AnaMaria and PM, that of all types of groups it should have been those with church/religious affiliation that such uncharitable behavior was taking place.
But then, I vaguely recall a scene where The Founder Himself said something about whitewashed tombs. Ring a bell?
I know a person who, for many personal reasons, states an aversion to organized religion and medicine, not just organized crime. ;-)
Thanks for the reminder to beware of “churchies”.

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Cat June 25, 2014 at 2:08 pm

Anyone who believes in “organized religion” has never seen how most churches are run. It’s more like, “And they rode off in all directions at once.” We are still arguing over the Nicene Creed. I think the Council of Nicea was held in AD 325 or thereabouts.
Now, if you want to talk about disorganized religion…

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Marozia June 25, 2014 at 3:13 am

That’s what happened to my friend ‘J’. She and her family were members of a church in our state and she was active in the Sunday School and also the teen girls’ group. As far as ‘J’ knew, they were all friends, went to each others’ homes, bible classes, shopping, etc.
One Sunday during the service, the minister asked the girl’s group leader to give a talk about up and coming events. She mentioned the day before they had a SciFi and tacos night at her house. Yes…you guessed it, friend ‘J’ was not involved. Why? Because she didn’t like SciFi movies.
Would’ve been nice if she’d have been asked if she’d like to attend though.

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kingsrings June 25, 2014 at 10:50 am

Similar happened at a church singles group I belonged to for a couple of years. Some members were creating social events on their own time and inviting some others members of the group, but not everybody. That was why there was such a lack of planning of group social events – because they were doing them on their own private time but not including everyone. The leadership of the group wasn’t doing a good enough job of communicating and keeping an eye on behaviors. Then there was the time one of the members of the group brought in invitations to her upcoming birthday party, but only handed them out to certain members. And she made a big deal out of it, too. So childish. I stopped going to the group shortly after that.

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Julia June 27, 2014 at 9:53 am

It does sting when you’re aware that you’re not invited to things, but I must say, I don’t invite people to things I know they don’t enjoy. I wait until I’ve got plans I think they would enjoy.

If J’s friends knew she doesn’t like SciFi movies and a SciFi movie is the point of the gathering, I don’t think it’s rude to not invite J. If I were her, I’d wait to be offended until there’s a pattern of being left out.

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MM June 24, 2014 at 11:56 am

to be honest I’m not sure I agree with Admin 100%. No, I would not want to associate myself with people who are actively rude. But what about my friends who got invited to this party without me? OP might have the satisfaction of not being at a party hosted by a rude person but she still misses out on socializing with her friends. I think in some situations it’s okay to ask if everyone is invited. It’s not fishing for a invitation. A wedding? No I would not invite myself to one. But an after dinner informal drinks thing? Why not? It could put the rude person on the spot and force him or her to come up with a valid excuse not to invite the other 3. I think when it comes to situations like these it’s important to put the offender on the spot (not in a callous or mean way) because then they can learn. If you just fume in silence then they are none the wiser and will continue to act this way.

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K June 24, 2014 at 12:42 pm

Rude rude rude on her part, and Admin’s comments are dead-on in my opinion. Sorry you got such a public snub! How thoughtless of her to create such an uncomfortable situation.

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Daphne June 24, 2014 at 1:04 pm

Yes. You stand up and state loudly: “SO I GUESS WE ARE ALL GOING OVER TO PEGGY’S THEN, RIGHT?” And then you look her right in the eyes. That’s what I did to the “rich” girl at my 10 year high school reunion when she invited me but not the classmates I was talking to at the time.
Long story short–we are no longer friends. Not her choice. :-)

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Anonymous June 24, 2014 at 10:01 pm

I did that once, except it was a bunch of my student leader friends from International House in Australia going over to McDonald’s for Frozen Cokes/Frozen Fantas one evening. They were talking, and I said, just to make conversation, “Oh, it looks like everyone’s going to McDonald’s. That’s fun.” At that point, the “mean girl” on the team (because every group had one), said, “No, a group of FRIENDS is going to McDonald’s.” So, she took it upon herself to exclude me not only from that trip, but also from being friends with the rest of the student leader team altogether. I replied that I was friends with most of the team, and she said, “Yes, MOST of the team.” I honestly never did anything to deserve this treatment; she just always disliked me. Since she was popular and athletic (she was a star soccer player, while I taught yoga), people didn’t exactly side with her over me, but they waffled back and forth, and didn’t do anything to stop this kind of behaviour. I don’t even like McDonald’s, and I honestly wasn’t fishing for an invitation; I just didn’t think it was cool of that girl to treat me like a second-class citizen for no good reason.

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Anonymous June 24, 2014 at 10:08 pm

Wait, I meant to say, “WE were talking.” I remember that it was during our Tuesday evening snack (so, why these people felt they needed an evening snack after an evening snack was beyond me), and I was just hanging out with the student leader team, and some of our mutual friends, and everything was going fine, until the Mean Girl attempted to unilaterally exclude me from the McDonald’s outing, and from the student leader team/our mutual social circle.

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PM June 25, 2014 at 8:35 am

What a wench. Your mistake was trying to defend your position and giving her more opportunities to exclude you.

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Anonymous June 25, 2014 at 2:18 pm

Oh, I know. Another similar incident came up when I broke my foot, and borrowed a pair of crutches from International House (which they kept around in case someone got injured), and then, a few weeks later, someone else got injured to the point where he couldn’t walk from his bedroom to the bathroom, so I had to give him my crutches. Mean Girl’s boyfriend, “Ben” (who was actually a really nice guy; I don’t know how they found each other) lent me a pair of crutches that he had, and I used those for a while, until Mean Girl suddenly (and publicly) decided I’d had them for long enough, and I needed to give them back…….except, this had nothing to do with her whatsoever; it was between Ben and me. He told me to hang onto them for as long as I needed, so as not to re-injure my foot, and I relayed this to her, but she just said, “He’s nicer than me.” Meanwhile, about five or six of our mutual friends were watching this whole exchange. It’s not as if I would have taken advantage of Ben’s good nature by keeping the crutches longer than I needed them, so I really don’t know what she was on about.

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Kimstu June 26, 2014 at 2:04 am

Seriously. It’s not like crutches are some really desirable accessory that people want to hang onto even if they no longer need them.

Also, I would have had a very hard time resisting the temptation to reply to MeanGirl’s comment “[My boyfriend Ben is] nicer than me” with “Yes indeed, he sure is”.

startruck June 27, 2014 at 12:24 am

I think I would have said ,if you want the crutches come and get them . can you just see her actually trying to take crutches away from an injured person? i bet that would have shut her up. I cant believe people like her really exist.

Anonymous June 29, 2014 at 1:54 pm

@Kimstu and Starstruck–You’re right, this girl was horrible, but like I said, nobody ever stood up to her, because she was popular, athletic, and she was nice and fun with the people she liked, so the general consensus was that I must be at fault, not her. Meanwhile, I was well-liked, active but not competitive, and nice and fun, but a bit introverted, and I just didn’t do the whole clubbing/drinking thing, so I just couldn’t “compete” with Mean Girl, for lack of a better word……not that I should have had to. Most people liked her, but one of the residents confided in me once that she thought MG was “extremely rude,” and indicated that others felt the same way. So, MG’s behaviour bothered me, but at the same time, I had friends separate from the student leader team, and I’m pretty sure that, if the residents had been polled anonymously about who their favourite student leader was, at least some of them would have chosen me, and I didn’t even live in International House; I lived in the postgraduate annex house down the street. As for Ben’s crutches, at the time MG demanded them back on his behalf, I wasn’t using them all the time–I’d use them for longer distances, or for when my foot particularly hurt, but most of the time, I’d just sort of drag my injured foot behind me when I walked. So, I still needed them, but since I wasn’t using them the way MG thought I should, she figured I must have been faking or something. When I spoke to Ben after that exchange (I didn’t go looking for him; I just mentioned it the next time I saw him without MG), he was fairly shocked on my behalf. I really don’t know how those two ended up together (although it might have been from soccer), I don’t know if it lasted, and honestly, I think Ben deserves better. I’m surprised that he didn’t have the effect of softening her up a bit, but some people just never change, no matter what.

Saucy Minx June 24, 2014 at 2:52 pm

I agree that the one who invited some people right in front of others was inconsiderate & lacking in manners, but I do not agree that anyone has a right to be invited, or to invite him/herself, to any occasion. That is even ruder behavior.

A member of the church where my sister attends will do her best to catch wind of an outing by hanging out within earshot of people who are in another conversational group & then suddenly joining them, saying: “Oh, you’re going to Appleby’s? I’ll come too!” She imposes herself uninvited on such impromptu gatherings, she drops in at the houses of church members, & she invites her own guests to events at someone else’s house, w/o permission. She mostly gets away w/ it, in the guise of them all being church members who must tolerate each other, but the minister & his wife eventually told her not to drop in on them — & she argued w/ them! The minister insisted that they had a right to their own private life in their family home, & she was not to drop in. I only wish he would preach a sermon on setting boundaries.

She doesn’t attempt much w/ me, as I am not a member of this church, & I have said no to her on more than one occasion, so she doesn’t test it much. I am entirely opposed to people inviting themselves anywhere, or manipulating to get their own way.

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Cat June 24, 2014 at 5:35 pm

You are not alone. A fellow teacher had invited me over to his home for pizza and a movie. Another teacher called me, asked what I was doing, and I said I was going to have pizza and a movie at Mr. G’s house. She said, “Great! I’ll come too.” No one asked her to come.
I told her I would have to ask and then I called her back and said the movie dvd wasn’t available so we had cancelled. I’d call her when it came in. I never called.

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Kimstu June 26, 2014 at 2:11 am

You did a good job defusing the situation. To avoid such situations in future (although it’s never possible to guarantee that rude pushy people won’t try to rudely push in), be less specific about your plans with another person when a third party who knows both of you asks what you’re doing. Even a non-rude person might have got the impression that this pizza movie night was a social event for this group of fellow teachers in general, not just you and Mr. G.

Honest mistakes and rude intrusions can both be evaded by just stating firmly but nonspecifically that you’re busy, or you have plans, and changing the subject.

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Spike June 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm

I agree. Not everyone is going to “click” with, or like, everyone and not everyone in a particular social group has to hang out together every time there is a gathering. I feel like it is this false belief that sometimes contributes to people feeling excluded or overly offended that someone apparently “doesn’t like” them. So I believe the idea of attempting to shame the offender (in this case) by loudly inviting oneself/others along is equally rude. It’s enough to accept that for whatever reason, this person doesn’t want to invite you (which is their prerogative) and as others have said, if she is going to be so rude as to publicly cherrypick people to invite instead of approaching them privately, why hang out with her anyway?

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kingsrings June 25, 2014 at 10:54 am

True. But that’s not really the topic at hand. The topic is, don’t plan gatherings in front of others who aren’t going to be invited to participate. That is what is rude.

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PM June 25, 2014 at 8:37 am

I really do feel for the clergy, particularly if they live in church-funded housing, because some church members feel that they have the right to go into their homes whenever they darn well feel like it.

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just4kicks June 24, 2014 at 2:58 pm

My daughter is at the age now where “all girls in class” get invites. She went to her first sleepover a few months ago and there were five or six girls besides her that were invited. I told her to be sure she DID NOT bring up the party before or afterwards, so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings that weren’t invited. Of course, there is one in every group. One girl made it a point to bring it up at lunch for days, for the sole purpose of hurting a girl she didn’t like that wasn’t invited. Finally the birthday girl took this little so-and- so aside and said “stop mentioning my party please, or I’ll invite HER and not invite YOU!!!” According to my girl, that did the trick.

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Cat June 24, 2014 at 5:18 pm

Tell your daughter, “Well done!” I would not have disapproved if she had, in front of the group, invited the non-invited girl.

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hakayama June 24, 2014 at 6:36 pm

“Out of the mouth of babes…” I wonder how things would go if adults spoke their minds as freely and to the point as children do.
Congratulations on bringing up a kind, bright “no-nonsense” child.

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just4kicks June 25, 2014 at 7:35 am

Thank you, very kind of you to say so. I have been telling my kids since they were born, that if someone compliments them on their behavior or manners, that means more to me than if that same person told me I’m pretty or liked my outfit or whatever. Don’t get me wrong, they don’t have shiny halos all the time, but every morning before they leave for school I tell them to do at least one nice thing for somebody else today. I’m very proud of all of them.

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gb July 1, 2014 at 3:27 pm

I was not invited to a sleep over in the 8th grade by a girl who was one of my best friends but decided myself and her other friend were no longer “cool” enough to be her friend. Even at that age I knew I didn’t care about actually being at the party and that this girl was not a real friend, but the way I was teased about NOT being invited really hurt. I had girls come up to my locker and ask if I was going, what color my sleeping bag was, etc, all so I would have to say, “I wasn’t invited,” except I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of it! I said, my sleeping bag is blue, but I’m not going.

I thought I showed them that I was too smart to be tricked into saying I wasn’t invited in front of everyone. .. But it back fired. Apparently because I didn’t out right say I wasn’t invited I was lying about not going. I really wasn’t going… Girls are so mean sometimes. I’m sorry to all those with similar stories.
Personally, I’d be so embarrassed if someone found out I was having a get together and they weren’t invited.

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Jays June 24, 2014 at 4:09 pm

Last year, a co-worker got married. I was not invited. While it was a close office and I thought I would be, I know sometimes people have to make cuts and I wasn’t hurt.

Until the BOSS sent around photos after the event saying “Thought you’d all like to see the office photo we had taken at Sean’s wedding!” EVERYONE from the office was there except me and one other woman. Wow, way to tell me I’m not part of the team. It still hurts.

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imc June 25, 2014 at 6:37 pm

This happened at my old office too.
It’s a Legal Practice, so there were basically four groups of people: the Partners (4), the Attorneys (7), the Trainees (4) and Administration (5), for a total of 20 people.
When one of the Trainees got married, me and another junior Trainee had started working there just a couple of months previously, so we weren’t expecting an invitation, and we were still glad to make small talk with the groom about the preparations, since we had really no reason to feel excluded from the celebration but took the chance to mingle with the colleague.
That is, until the invitations went around.
The groom brought his invitations directly at the office and either gave them to the receipients by hand or left them on their desks (most of us had their own office, so that didn’t really happen in full view of everyone else). A few ours later, everyone naturally compared notes. That’s when we realized that everyone had been invited except me and the other junior (no problem there), two of the administration girls (incidentally, the two most senior ones) and the other Trainee, who had begun working at the office two years previously, at the same time as the groom.
The exclusions were so arbitrary that the only reasonable explanation was that the groom didn’t like the snubbed people… and rubbed it in in quite a rude way.
Also, among the invited colleagues, only the Partners and another two people (the two the groom was actually friends with) had a +1 invite.
Now, I understand that he had all the right to exclude whoever he wanted from his wedding. And that inviting the Partners was a given. But the arbitrary discrimination among all others, none of whom bar two people he was in any way close to, was carried out appallingly.
There was probably a million more tactful ways that he could have dealt with this situation rather than just distributing the invites in the middle of the day, without any additional warning to the people involved about who was and was not invited.
I don’t know how it is in the States, but in Italy when the spouses have friends or acquaintances they’d like to include in the wedding but can’t fit in the party, they can still give or send out “participations” to the service alone. What happens is that actually everyone receives a participation, and those invited to the party find a smaller additional note, with details for that. Probably, getting at least a participation would have made the snubbed feel a little less singled out.
As it was, a lot of people in the office felt rather awkward about the whole situation for a long while. The snubbed became rather chilly towards the groom from then on and two years later are still not completely over it.
As it was, only the groom’s two friends (the ones with the +1 invite) ended up actually attending with the respective husbands.

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Goldie June 26, 2014 at 12:46 pm

Happened to me, not at work, but with a group of friends. About 20 of us were on the same bowling league at the time. My third year in the league, two of the members get engaged. Then they set the date for the wedding. My then husband and I never got an invite, but I thought okay, they probably want a small wedding just for the family… fast forward to the bowling night on a Thursday night right before the wedding and all of a sudden everyone in the bowling league is talking about the upcoming wedding, what they would wear etc. When someone asked me, I said I wasn’t going, because we had something else going on that day – I was too embarrassed to tell people my husband and I were the only ones left out. Monday after the wedding, one of the friends in the group sends out a mass email about how great the wedding was, best he’d ever been to, and how hard it must’ve been to organize such a large wedding (300 guests or so). It’s like they invited everybody and their mother, except for the two of us. We’d been friends with everyone in the group, gone on road trips together, hosted two group Christmas parties at our house(!!) I could not for the life of me understand why we were left out. That was 11 years ago and after that I kind of lost interest in spending more time with the group, and lost touch with all of them over the years. Which is sad, because I’d made some good friends in the group. I saw some of them last month and they wondered where I’d disappeared to. And the fact is, I just didn’t have it in me to continue being a part of the group where I had gotten snubbed.

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kingsrings June 27, 2014 at 10:52 am

Something similar happened with a fitness group my mother belongs to. Two of the members fell in love and got engaged. They had planned to invite a lot of their fellow members (no, they didn’t advertise this publically to everyone, just privately discussed it with a couple close friends in the group), but had to really cut back on the guest list because of space. There were some hurt feelings from those that didn’t make the cut, but in this case it truly was a small wedding (about 80 guests), so it should have been understandable.
I can commiserate with you, going through similar at this time with what I discussed earlier in the thread with 2 of my friends getting married soon and me not making the guest list. It’s a fairly large wedding, 200 guests, so I am kind of wondering how I didn’t make it with that count, especially since some others from our group did. But I know it wasn’t personal and they probably have more family members or something than I thought.

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just4kicks June 24, 2014 at 4:32 pm

…Sorry…age where “all girls in class are invited” no longer happens….

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A different Tracy June 25, 2014 at 8:59 am

Maybe not in your world. It does in mine.

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just4kicks June 28, 2014 at 9:25 am

I don’t agree with it either….too many hurt feelings. In kindergarten up to and including second grade, notes were sent home first day of school to say all must be included in Christmas and Valentine’s cards. Any party given must include all girls/boys in class. After third grade, the holiday card rule still applied, but not parties.

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traherne June 24, 2014 at 10:23 pm

This reminds me of a friend who would occasionally invite people over but not me. It bothered me the first time because I thought we were rather close but after the 3rd time or so you learn to adjust your expectations. And it was never her fault I found out about it, so nothing to complain about there. I did eventually find reason to send her to e-hell when at a party hosted by a mutual friend she walks up to me and says, in front of a few other people, that it was a shame I hadn’t been to her last party. I simply replied “Of course I didn’t go, I wasn’t invited”. I have yet to see anyone change the subject so fast. And I swear I wasn’t trying to embarrass her, I just blurted it out without thinking – had I had time to think, I might have been more gracious to her. My guess is she wanted someone in the group to think I had been invited for whatever reason.

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Jewel June 25, 2014 at 9:49 am

I think your non-thought-out response was absolutely perfect and correct! Your friend was playing some kind of game to make herself look good in front of the other people at your expense. You shut her down brilliantly. Very well done!

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starstruck June 25, 2014 at 10:08 am

if done in a big group setting like that, this really wouldnt bother me. even for them to talk about the trip and how much fun they had . infact i would even be okay to join in . ” you guys went where”? “was it fun”? “wouldnt mind going there myself”.” what was so and so like”? however, if it was my close friends that would be a whole different story. if they were passing out invites and didn’t extend me one i would be hurt. like if a group of my close friends went somewhere or had a party and didnt invite me. otherwise it wouldnt bother me. i think to say something seems petty and jealous. and a little whiny even. you didnt invite me?? whyyyy?? please . we are grown ups .

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starstruck June 25, 2014 at 10:18 am

i wanted to add that i do think its rude on their part to extend these invitation publically while excluding some. but i think its falls to us as grown up individuals to let it go and not be affended. this is why we have close friends that we spend our time with . and aquaintences shouldnt have enough power over us to make us feel bad for not inviting us to their party.

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Enna June 26, 2014 at 12:58 pm

I think it is natural to feel a bit offended and hurt in a situation like this. Adim is right: better off without this person! Next time be proactive

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Angel June 28, 2014 at 6:34 pm

This is exactly why that I never give out invitations to my daughters’ parties at school–we have a friendship list that our PTA puts together so I use the addresses on there. As for verbal invites to after parties–NEVER would I not invite every person left in that room. That is just rude. I don’t care if there are 20 people–if I am having it at my house I make sure to think before I invite–if it’s summertime it’s a no brainer as I have a large backyard–but if I would have to fit everyone in my house–I save the invite for another time. Some people are just really rude and actually like to exclude others. Or they really don’t think before issuing an invitation. It’s like people who announce parties over Facebook and then act surprised when people they don’t expect would like to come. Dumb.

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kingsrings June 30, 2014 at 10:27 am

Yes, that is another issue. Some people don’t realize or understand the privacy settings on Facebook. If you don’t set the event you create to private, then it automatically goes to public, and everyone on your friends list and maybe even friends of friends can then see the invite. And since it says it’s public, then people could get the impression that anyone and everyone is welcome to attend. Not only that, but if it’s at your private residence, then your address is also displayed for everyone to see as well. Be careful when making Facebook events.

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Donnalyn July 3, 2014 at 11:57 pm

A group of girls I attempted to hang out with in high school (at the insistence of my parents and partly because there was no one else) were like this. All they ever talked about were people I didn’t know and parties I wasn’t invited to, regardless to any attempt on my part to talk about other subjects.

During my 18th birthday party (there was no one else to invite), they made plans among themselves but in my presence to go out drinking afterwards. I expressed interest but as they pointed out, I couldn’t go because although I had just turned 18 (legal drinking age), my Proof of Age card hadn’t arrived yet. So the plans continued.

Of course I left them in the dust.

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Donnalyn July 4, 2014 at 12:51 am

A group of girls I attempted to hang out with during my last year of high school (at the insistence of my parents and partly because there was no one else) were like this. All they ever talked about were people I didn’t know and parties I wasn’t invited to, regardless of the odd attempt on my part to talk about other subjects.

They were the only people I was allowed to invite to my 18th birthday party, during which they made plans amongst themselves but in my presence to go out drinking afterwards. I expressed interest but as they pointed out, I couldn’t go because although I had turned 18 that day (legal drinking age), my Proof of Age card hadn’t arrived yet. So the plans continued.

Of course I left them in the dust.

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