I was recently told that I committed an egregious faux pas concerning funeral etiquette. I do not think I did, so I wanted to ask the Dame and E-Hellions.
When I was in high school, I knew “Madonna” through mutual friends. I would define the relationship as acquaintances; we knew each other and traveled in basically the same social circle, seeing each other at school and occasionally seeing each other at parties or get togethers. After high school, I saw her very rarely.
About a year ago, Madonna got a job at my place of employment, in a different department, and we struck up more of a “real” friendship. We have lunch together few times a week and have socialized outside of work, including meeting each others’ families. Her family was invited to my house for a 4th of July grill-out and fireworks this year and we attended a barbeque at her family’s home earlier in the summer. A few other people from work and friends were also invited to both events.
Last Friday night, Madonna’s father died unexpectedly. He was vibrant, funny man (I met him at the barbeque) so it was quite a shock for Madonna and her family. Since we are coworkers and friends, I went to the visitation and service. The service was where the faux pas occurred. Maybe dress code violation is a better description.
I opted for a black, sleeveless, square-neck dress that fell a few inches below my knee. I thought since it is summer and hot, this would be modest enough for a funeral. I have recently begun to occasionally wear hats to more formal events, so I chose to wear a lightweight black hat to the service. The hat had a netting-type veil on it that came down to just below my eyes and the remainder of the netting was tied up in the back, in a sort of fashionable knot. The lady at the department store said it was a good choice for a funeral. Several female relatives of Madonna’s were also wearing hats and a few (not all) of those had veils attached. Madonna’s mother also wore a veil, but it was longer than most and was more like a mesh fabric, edged in lace. I thought the saleslady had been right about the hat being a good choice.
I spoke to Madonna briefly before service and she had a strange expression on her face but I chalked it up to the situation at hand. She gave me the same look several times at the graveside service and again, I chalked it up to shock and grieving. I spoke to Madonna, her Mother and several other members of the family at the Mother’s home after the service, during the funeral luncheon, and all seemed to be fine, considering the situation.
Yesterday, I received an email from Madonna. This is verbatim, including shouty capitals.
I thought I should tell you that your dress and mourning veil were completely inappropriate to wear to my father’s funeral services.
First, you DO NOT under ANY circumstances wear mourning veils if you are not related to the deceased. It was horribly embarrassing to me, especially in front of my family.
Second, your dress was shameful. You should NEVER wear a sleeveless dress to a funeral. You should have worn a jacket or sweater over the dress or chose something more appropriate, with sleeves.
I understand that you are not of our faith and culture, so I will forgive you this once. I would suggest in the future, you stick to plain, regular clothing when you are attending funerals so that this does not happen again.
I’m shocked. I have never seen or heard her use such strong language towards anyone, even people she does not particularly like or have been rude to her. I never imagined that by wearing a hat and veil and sleeveless dress I was violating someone’s faith and culture and being shameful. I immediately sent an apology email because I am mortified that I offended her family. I even offered to write a note to her mother and family apologizing for any unintentional offense, but I have not heard back from her. I texted her earlier today, apologizing again and asking if there was anything I could do, and have yet to hear back.
I am unsure what to do next. Madonna took leave for the entire week and I fear that it is going to be awkward when she returns next week. I am afraid to call her and possibly upset her even further. I’m not sure if I should write her mother a note, apologizing for the mistake or if that would upset Madonna as well.
I asked my other friends about it and they think she is being rude and overly dramatic. I’m not sure if the shock of her dad’s passing is affecting her or if I really did something so bad I should be ashamed.
What does the E-Hell community think? Did I commit a horribly offensive faux pas? Any advice on how to proceed would be much appreciated. 0724-14
(The OP attached two photos of clothing that was similar but not exact of what she wore to the funeral.)
While black veils are out of style with current funerals there are still particular cultures and faiths (such as Catholics) where the wearing of a black veil is an option some still choose. In places where this is still the practice, it is understood that the widow and more immediate female family members don the veil. So, you fumbled by wearing a piece of funerary attire that would confuse guests as to your status as a grieving family member.
The photo you attached is not of the actual garment you wore BUT if your little black dress looked anything like the ubiquitous “little black dress” women use for evening events, it was not appropriate for a funeral. If you would wear a dress to a cocktail party, that is not the dress to wear to a funeral. And there are some religious faiths that consider bare arms and shoulders in the church as a sign of disrespect.
As for Madonna’s eail, I’m of the opinion that I would prefer to know why my friends are peeved at me than to wonder why they have suddenly cooled the friendship with no explanation. Madonna is actually correct about your faux pas in spite of the vehemence by which she says it. You have apologized profusely so the ball is now in Madonna’s court to respond graciously.