Update to Missy, Missy Oh My

by admin on June 2, 2015

 

A few readers asked for an update on what happened with the graduation ceremony for my son.  Read the original story.   Here it is:

On my last comment to the original submission, I let readers know that I had decided to call “Missy” directly about the graduation and space limits. She asked for info and told me she would let me know. I tried to be very pointed about the space limits and she seemed to understand. That was on Saturday.

The following Wednesday, Missy called to say they would come to the graduation, as it was on the way to Florida where they would be vacationing the week of Memorial Day. They would be arriving Thursday afternoon, stay through Saturday evening and leave for their vacation on Sunday morning. Missy said they had booked a hotel because she would be more comfortable that way and Madison wanted to stay with me. That was fine and I actually understand the comfort situation, as I have always opted for a hotel when I am visiting family, as it gives me time to decompress and I don’t feel like I have to be “on” all the time.

I told Missy that we would like to treat them to dinner on Thursday and Friday, if that was ok with them, and my mother, sister and nephew would want to join us so they could visit and catch up. She said that was fine and she was looking forward to it.

I called them early Thursday afternoon to ask what they liked, as we were going to grill that evening. I also asked where they were and she said South Carolina. (They live in North Carolina and we live in Georgia) I figured that was far enough that they would not turn around to get her family, so I told her about the block party. I told her that it turned out we had multiple graduates from our neighborhood, so we decided to have a neighborhood block party instead of several small parties. She seemed enthusiastic about it, so I thought great, we’re good.

They arrived, ate very little and left fairly early to go back to the hotel. I thought it was fatigue from the trip, as it is a long drive, and saw them off.

Graduation day rolls around and everything is running smoothly. No “extras” showed up for graduation and everyone seemed to be in good spirits, getting along and having a good time. Missy talked to us more than ever and posed for pictures, even acting a little silly and goofy with all of us. I thought maybe she was feeling more comfortable around us.

The plan was to take the cars to my house, let the kids change into their swimsuits and walk up to the community center/pool area. We pull into the driveway and there they sat- Missy’s family: adult daughter, daughter’s new husband, grandson, her adult son, niece, cousin and cousin’s husband.

I was livid. I got out and told the kids to change and head up to the party and we would be there shortly. Missy told the niece to “go with Madison and put on your suit”. I said no, not happening. I told her that Madison was a guest in my home and she’s not babysitting a child that is not even supposed to be here. Missy’s face hardened, that “look” came in her eyes and I knew the politeness and happiness we had been enjoying all day was going to evaporate.

When the kids went in, the walls came down. Missy started to argue and I held up my hand and told her, “No, I’m going to have my say this time, so you can either listen or hit the road”. She stayed so I said, “I called you and specifically told you that only you, Steve and Madison were invited. When you showed up without your family in tow, I thought you finally understood that when you get invited somewhere that does not mean you can bring extra people. We had been having such a good time today and now you spring 7 extra people on us. Seven people that were not invited, were not planned for and absolutely are not going. You and Steve are welcome to stay, but under no circumstances is your family crashing this party”. Missy’s daughter yelled at me, “Don’t talk to my mama like that!” I replied, “The best thing for you to do is get back in the car and go back to wherever it is you have been hiding for the last 2 days because you are standing in my yard, not by invitation, and I am not going to let your family ruin this party or my son’s graduation day”. I raised my voice but never yelled at them. Missy just stared at me, but did not say anything.

Next, I got Steve. I said, “ I cannot believe you thought I was going to be ok with this. She is your wife, you love her and want to make her happy, but does that mean hauling her family to every event you get invited to? What’ s the point? To let us know that she ‘owns’ you or something? We get it. You and Missy are married and you are her family now, too. Does that mean you have to forsake us?” He opened his mouth like he was going to say something but then he closed it. I grabbed him by the arms and gave him a little shake and said, “What is wrong with you? Are you not allowed to talk?” He said, “ I don’t want to fight about it. They are always around. It doesn’t bother me and it shouldn’t bother anybody else.” I just shook my head and said, “What has happened to you? You used to be the toughest person I know. Hard-headed Marine through and through, nice but didn’t let anyone walk all over you and now it’s like you are defeated. Well, since you don’t want to fight about it, let’s do this- let Madison stay with us tonight and tomorrow because she is having a good time and there is no point in punishing her and you come by and pick her up on Sunday”. Missy decided to chime in and say, “Hell no! She’s coming with us. If my family is not welcome, then Madison can’t stay. There are hundreds of people up there; they wouldn’t notice a few more!” They turned to leave and then Steve turned back and said, “No, Madison can stay. We’ll pick her up Sunday.” Missy immediately started protesting and saying “nobody is going to disrespect my family and talk to me like that”, but Steve told her to get in truck, they were going back to the hotel and he told cousin’s husband to follow them. (There were not “hundreds” of people at the party, maybe 100, tops.)

We (me, husband, mom, sister) all took a few minutes to calm down and compose ourselves. We had all gone into the fight or flight mode. When we got right, we joined the kids at the party and proceeded to have a fabulous time, despite the scene in my yard. A few of the other moms knew about the Missy situation and one of the kids told them about the family showing up, so they were keeping an eye on the kids until we got there. Madison came up to me later that night and apologized for not telling me that they were at the hotel. She said Missy told her not to say anything about it because it wasn’t any of my business and she didn’t want to make her angry and have a horrible time in Florida. I told her not to worry; I wasn’t upset at her at all because it was Missy and Steve’s issue to deal with.

Steve came alone to pick up Madison on Sunday morning. He came in and sat down in the kitchen while Madison was making sure she packed all of her belongings. I said I knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but could he please tell me why Missy always brought her family everywhere she went? He said it had always been that way, they were at their house almost every day and spent a lot of nights there, too, and it wasn’t worth fighting about because it wouldn’t change. I told him that I felt sad for him because every couple needs to spend a little time alone and he didn’t seem very happy. I asked him if knew what Missy had told Madison about not telling me about her family. He said that Missy told her not to mention it because I would get upset. I asked if he missed the “not my business” part. He said he didn’t hear it, but it was too late to do anything about it and he wasn’t going to start an argument about it. I told him if he wouldn’t stand up for himself, he needed, at the very least, to stand up for his daughter and quit letting his wife basically threaten her and make her a babysitter every time she was supposed to be spending time with him. Madison walked in so I let it drop. I hugged them goodbye and told them that Madison was welcome to come stay with us anytime. I think I’m going to reach out to Madison’s mom and make that offer as well.

For a long time, I have had this feeling that something is just not right with that situation and since this incident, it has just gotten stronger. Steve is an adult and he is choosing let things stand as they are and I can’t do anything about it. I just hope he doesn’t let Missy put a wedge between him and Madison or let Missy be mean/hateful/cruel to her because she is angry at me.

Family. The best and worst parts of life. 0529-15

A definite mistake to presume Missy would go on vacation in Florida without her family.    For future reference,  there is no need to keep guests updated on party plans unless the time, date or location changes.   Missy and Steve could have been informed of the change in plans when they arrived at your home  after the graduation ceremony thus leaving Missy’s extended family at the hotel for the afternoon.   And what her family does while away from your home isn’t your business so why Missy has to be  so secretive about their presence on the trip is odd.   By all means extend the invitation to Madison’s mom that Madison would be welcome to spend a week with you.

We had a somewhat similar situation wherein one invited family decided my child’s wedding was a perfect opportunity for their family reunion.   We did not care one whit what travel arrangements they made or who shared what hotel rooms or what they did together outside of the wedding festivities but when we were asked to include these family members at the rehearsal dinner and the small wedding and reception, we put our foot down and refused.   You would have thought we had committed the most heinous offense known to man.   It caused some stress on the day of the wedding.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Samantha C June 4, 2015 at 10:03 am

You know, I know it’s not etiquette-approved, but it really sounds like it might be worth considering inviting only Madison and Steve to the next event. Just leave Missy out, if she can’t be counted on to come with only her own invitation. Now, if Steve brings Missy-plus-seven for his own eight uninvited guests, then you know he’s just as responsible for the problem as she is and the 13-year-old is the most mature of the lot.

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Anonymous June 4, 2015 at 12:04 pm

I think it’d be both more polite, and more effective, to invite just Madison. Like it or not, Steve and Missy are a social unit, and Missy seems to think that Steve, herself, and her entire extended family are a social unit. So, chances are, if Steve comes, Missy will come, and if Missy comes, her entourage will come. If you invite just Madison, you know you’ll get just Madison.

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Samantha C June 4, 2015 at 7:28 pm

Oh, I agree. But the OP still seems to want to see her brother in a smaller setting occasionally, and it just sounds like the only practical way to do that is to stop inviting his wife. It may NOT be practical – he may well bring the eight of them to tag along – but I think the social unit has already proven it can’t behave. Inviting just Steve (or just Steve and Madison) is a last-ditch effort to have time with Steve.

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NostalgicGal June 4, 2015 at 12:19 pm

[LIKE] <<<<< Made my own like button

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Mags June 8, 2015 at 9:08 am

Or invite them out to supper and when the entourage shows up, very clearly tell the server that ONLY Steve, Madison & Missy are on your bill. I suspect that if they consistently had to pay for themselves, they might be less inclined to show up uninvited. It doesn’t sound like they are in the habit of paying their own way.

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MeganAmy June 5, 2015 at 12:31 pm

I wrote a long post the other day and it disappeared and didn’t post. So I’ll be brief and say you did well. Good, shiny spine. And I hope that Madison is able to come to visit often. You sound like a good role model.

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Jewel June 5, 2015 at 1:36 pm

Comments are at 204 at the moment, so I believe I’m in good company when I say that I’m eagerly awaiting the next installment of “Missy, Oh Missy”. Not that I’m wishing the OP further boundary-setting stresses, but it’s clear that this situation is not over if Missy has anything to say about it. Like many who get push-back for the first time in their lives or the first time in a long while, she is likely to escalate her behavior before she simmers down. When that happens, c’mon back here OP, with the latest hair-raising etiquette quandry!

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Morgan June 15, 2015 at 9:27 am

This whole situation is eerily similar to the one with my FIL and his second wife. She doesn’t bring her family everywhere she goes, but my FIL never stands up to her, and she doesn’t allow him to speak privately to my husband or any of his other family members. There’s no way to talk to him alone; if you call him, she stands there on speakerphone and listens to everything you say. If you try to visit him and talk to him in person, she stands there and butts in at every opportunity. She also makes it very clear that her family is more important than his. She asked me to make a DVD slideshow of some family photos; there was one photo of my FIL’s mother, two of his father, and one old photo of my husband. Almost every other photo was of my FIL’s wife, her sisters, her father, etc. The rest of us have no place in their life, according to her.

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Fung July 5, 2015 at 5:21 am

First and foremost when you host a party and invite guests, you do it with a budget in mind and you have your reasons for it.
People whom shows up with an uninvited entourage is being disrespectfull to the host and their budget. Period!
I’ve had my share with people wanting to show up with uninvited guests but fortunately I knew whom were likely to do so I told to them clearly that they’re most welcome to uninvite their desired guests to their parties, but in mine, only those whom I invited are welcome.
No inlaws whom are not my inlaws, no friends whom are not my friends will and shall be welcome, and if they respect me, they’ll respect my wish in this.
And yes, after a few unhappy discussions they’ve showed me their respect for me and my wishes and my budget.

OP, I was happy to read that you stood your ground and took back the respect you were deprived off, I was also very happy that your brother recognise the situation his daughter was put in and granted her the extra days to enjoy herself.

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