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Missing The Ride, Missing The Game

I’m looking for guidance, as I am sure this will happen again.

BG: Four the past years, Dear Daughter  and Best Friend have played on the same sports team. Due to BF’s parents’ work schedules (service/retail), we have transported BF to and from games countless number of times. I do not mind this in the least as BF is a delightful child. This is a travel league, and we’ve been lucky in the fact that most of the fields are located 30-minutes or less from home. This weekend, we unfortunately drew the long haul. The games were to be played at fields an hour or so north of us.

On the morning of game day, DD did not look all too well. DD had been battling a cold for the past week, so a quick trip to the urgent care confirmed my suspicions, diagnosis ear/sinus infection.

About an hour before we were to leave for the fields, I find a weeping DD in her bedroom struggling into her uniform. She wants to play, but doesn’t feel well enough. She also knows that if she doesn’t go, chances are BF won’t either. Husband and I make the decision to bench DD (she’s missed two games in four years). Husband texts the head coach and I text BF’s mother (communication method preferred by both). Uniform abandoned, DD crawls back into bed and stays there for the rest of the day.

I come to find out later that day, that BF’s Mom did not contact head coach until almost an hour after I texted her. At that point, everyone had already left for the fields and were at points where turning around was not an option.

Now I feel doubly dreadful. DD is ill and upset at having to the miss the games. BF misses the games because she did not have a ride. I had even spoken to BF’s Mom shortly before DD’s decision not to play. We were looking at a 4-5 hour day and I was packing a cooler of drinks, sandwiches and snacks and needed to know BF’s sandwich preference.

Honestly, had the games been closer, I would have gladly driven her there myself, and either pick her up or arranged for a ride home from one of the other parents. A friend admonished me saying it was my responsibility to make travel arrangements for BF, not her parents since I agreed to take her. Did I commit an eHell sin? What do we next time this happens?   0916-15

It appears to me that you’ve transported BF to so many games that it has become an expectation that not only will you continue to do so but that you are the adult responsible to make that happen.

The solution appears simple to me. Have a conversation with BF’s parents explaining that in the event there is another emergency necessitating a change of plans that you or your husband will text them as they prefer, inform them of the problem and the resulting inability to provide transportation but that resolution of how to transport their daughter to the game rests with them.

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  • Cheryl September 25, 2015, 11:39 am

    This was not on you, you were just taking care of your kid, she was sick, you let everyone know that you not be going to the game, now it is up to BF’s mother to find an alternative. You were right and your friend is out of line.

  • Nina September 25, 2015, 12:38 pm

    ” A friend admonished me saying it was my responsibility to make travel arrangements for BF.”

    I’m sorry but WHAT?

    This is really telling as far as the kind of person your “friend” is.

    Not only did you text BF’s mother ahead of time but SHE failed to find proper arrangement for her daughter and waited 1 hour after the game started to notify head coach.

    It sounds like you are a blessing in BF’s life because her parents’ also lack the same sense of responsibility your so called friend does.

    • InTheEther September 25, 2015, 10:03 pm

      BFs parents texted the couch an hour after the OP sent her text, NOT an hour after the game.

      So we’re looking at maybe 10-15 min possibly before they noticed or could get to the phone for the text, maybe 35-45 min calling around trying to arrange another ride (not unreasonable if a person or two didn’t immediately respond to a text or it went to voicemail), and then they contacted the coach once it became clear that no one they felt comfortable asking could or would take BF.

      Sometimes junk happens, kid has to miss an activity. It never killed anyone.

  • Dear! September 28, 2015, 11:42 am

    OP. You did nothing wrong.

    That friend doesn’t sound like very much of a friend, and from past experiences, people who say things like that are really trouble makers in disguise who want to make you feel bad. And, I suspect friend doesn’t live by their own words. Your child was sick, and it was your responsibility to take care of her. You called the friend’s mother, and let her know you couldn’t make it, and it was her responsibility to find an alternate ride. It is not reasonable to leave your sick child for 2 hours just to give someone a ride.

    A few weekends ago, I agreed to pick up several friends to go to brunch. However, that morning I woke up with a badly swollen ankle (20+ hour flight a day before) and couldn’t drive. My friends understood, and genuinely told me that they hoped I felt better soon. They didn’t chastise me for ruining their plans by not arranging another ride.

  • Whoop September 28, 2015, 6:43 pm

    No worries, OP. Missing one game never hurt a kid, and it sounds like you did your best. I didn’t see you mention whether BF’s mother is saying anything otherwise, so I’m presuming that she just isn’t. Your other friend can just go to Ehell. The whole situation is none of her business.

  • DutchyMcDutch September 29, 2015, 4:20 pm

    No matter how you slice or dice it, you had promised to take the girl to the game and told them, with an hour to go, that you couldn’t take her.

    As much as I understand your daughter’s desire to try to see at the very last minute if she could still go, another girl had an interest in that decision.

    I think it would have been better, having visited the doctor in the morning, to have contacted the BF mother after the doctor visit and advise her to start looking for alternative transportation.

    I don’t think you had to provide transportation and sometimes things just happen however, I think you could have giving earlier notice, and I think that would have been better.

  • TootsNYC September 29, 2015, 8:23 pm

    In our family, we would make sure we spoke to the other family before we truly changed our plans for transporting BF. We would never have sent a text out and just assumed it would be seen, recognized, and attended to. Even if that was the preferred method.

    We would have spoken to the other family, and if theycouldn’t take their child, we would. We have done so in the past. I would consider it an obligation –to the child herself–, and I keep my commitments to children. (I try to keep my commitments to grownups.)

    I don’t know that I can say this is absolutely what everyone else should do.

    I especially agree with DutchyMcDutch–you should have given them a heads-up when you first suspected your child might be ill. In the morning. By speaking to the other mom about sandwiches, you left them thinking DD would be playing.

    It’s a lesson for DD–that sometimes we are actually more helpful to other people when we are realistic. If she’d been realistic about how sick she was, she would have given her friend a lot more time to find a different ride.

    Going forward, I agree, it would be good to lay in plans for this sort of last-minute transportation. BF’s family should find a backup for hitching a ride, and your family should take seriously the idea of deciding about illnesses, etc., at an early enough time that it might be possible for them to get assistance.