Husband left off Christmas card

by admin on December 13, 2016

My husband and I have been married nearly 30 years. It hasn’t been all smooth sailing, but I doubt most marriages are. We love each other and reared two terrific kids together, both of whom recently moved out so we’re in the early stages of empty nest syndrome. We are really enjoying each other’s company.

Several years ago, we had some pretty serious marital problems. Neither of us sought counseling at the time, which is totally on us and no one else, but I did confide in my sister that things were rough and my husband and I were unhappy. That situation has changed dramatically (yes, we did get good counseling), but Sis can’t seem to let it go. Over the years, she has made snippy comments to and about my husband, and in fact has been openly rude to him on more than one occasion.

A week or so ago (shortly after Christmas), I received a package from my sister. It contained a couple of small gifts to me, and a card addressed to me. Just me. My husband’s name was nowhere to be seen. However, both the card and the return address had Sister’s name along with that of her spouse, who happens to be a woman.

So my question is this: Should I say something to her about leaving my husband’s name off the Christmas card? I could see it if it were a birthday card (my birthday is shortly before Christmas), but this was a Christmas card! Knowing my sister as I do, if I had sent her a card and failed to acknowledge her wife, all hell would break loose. Of course, I would never do such a thing regardless of how I felt about her, her wife (I really do like her), or their relationship, but this omission of my husband’s name hit me pretty hard. Am I being petty? Or do I have a legitimate gripe? If I were to bring it up to her, I’m sure she would just tell me the truth—she’s always been good about that (which is why I know she isn’t overly fond of my husband), and if she honestly forgot (sorry, I doubt that) then shame on me, but I am inclined to believe this was a deliberate snub. And I believe this because it’s not the first one. 0104-16

Advice?

{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }

Cerys December 13, 2016 at 4:01 am

If being that petty is what she needs to make her life bearable, let her get on with it. Ultimately it’s just a piece of card with writing on, and you stressing about it is just doing her job for her. Don’t make a drama out of it, and her snub will be just that – a childish little snub.

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Cat2 December 13, 2016 at 9:33 am

Childish snubs have a way of multiplying – see yesterday for point. It’s not really the kind of thing that you can let go AND expect your partner to have to deal with.

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Maureen December 13, 2016 at 10:11 am

I totally agree with Cerys.

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lakey December 13, 2016 at 6:08 pm

“Over the years, she has made snippy comments to and about my husband, and in fact has been openly rude to him on more than one occasion.”
I don’t agree that the “pettiness” should be ignored. I would not attend get-togethers with inlaws who were openly rude. Sometimes people behave badly because their bad behavior is tolerated.

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Reaver December 13, 2016 at 11:50 pm

What happened to the Etiquette hell tried and true “Stand up for your spouse” argument?

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David December 13, 2016 at 5:39 am

Do you call her out on it when she makes digs at or is rude to your husband? Have you explained to her that your marriage counseling has worked wonders and you would appreciate it if she would be as supportive of your relationship as she wants you to be of hers?

If you haven’t, it’s really time to do so.

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Lex December 14, 2016 at 3:15 am

I think this post hits the nail on the head tbh.

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Wendy B December 14, 2016 at 7:48 am

THIS

If this isn’t the fist time, and it’s been an ongoing issue, it’s because you haven’t addressed it with her and let it slide. Stop it.

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lkb December 13, 2016 at 7:22 am

I think I understand what Cerys (above) is saying, but so often on this site, we talk about a spouse “having one’s back” when dealing with in-laws, so I dunno….

It seems this happened at least a year ago (OP speaks of it being “shortly after Christmas”), so there’s no sense bringing it up now as it is old news. However, if it happens again this year, I think the OP should indeed say something. “Gee Sis, I’ve noticed that for (two?) years straight you’ve left (Husband) off the card. What’s up? He and I are okay again. ” Then see what happens.

I have an in-law like the sister in this story. Another relative’s marriage ended years ago and the mother-in-law has never forgiven the ex-spouse , which was painfully evident at a family wedding this year. The sad thing is, the mother-in-law is now dying and her children and grandchildren will now remember her hatred of the ex-offspring-in-law. So sad, and so unnecessary.

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AppleEye December 13, 2016 at 7:57 am

“Sis, I know you are not overly find of husband, and that my choice to confide in you when we were going through a rough patch probably contributed to that. But when you treat him poorly and/or exclude him, I am the person you are actually hurting. Things between Husband and I are much better now and we have worked on our differences. Your support is invaluable, and I really would appreciate if you could put in a greater effort to nice to us both.”

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AppleEye December 13, 2016 at 12:01 pm

*fond, not find.

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ErinAnn December 14, 2016 at 2:00 am

Yup. Just this^^. Sister is being protective. Tell her that you love him and is important to you. If she cares, then it will be immediately obvious.

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bern821 December 14, 2016 at 5:55 pm

This exactly, AppleEye! Unfortunately OP – this is a by-product of confiding about your marital problems to your sister (something many of us do – we unload on our closest confidant when we need to talk). Maybe just a reminder like this could help – that you appreciate her having your back and listening to you when you needed her, but that you’ve worked out your issues and would like her to please drop her grudge against your hubby.

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AndreaLynnette December 13, 2016 at 8:08 am

I think that it’s a balance between not creating drama and not defending your spouse. Have you taken the time to tell Sis about how much better things are? About how you guys got counseling together and Hubs has worked on whatever he’s worked on, and fixed whatever he’s fixed? Tell her that you two have worked really hard to fix the relationship, and you’d appreciate it if she would try to forgive him, as you have.

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Victoria December 13, 2016 at 8:45 am

You could try asking her. Or try saying “Please stop excluding hubby, it’s really quite hurtful.”

You’ve learned your lesson about confiding in your sister, you’ll not make that mistake again. You could tell her that as well.

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Just4Kicks December 13, 2016 at 9:01 am

I agree, NO acknowledgement would be the best move, imo.
This person is trying to upset you….let it roll off your back.
My folks had the weirdest and meanest, most SPITEFUL neighbor for years until she passed a few months ago from cancer.
She would do things to “get my dad’s goat”, until I said ignoring her antics will piss her off more than you getting upset.
It wasn’t easy getting that idea through my dear Dad’s thick Polish head, but it worked like a charm, and she backed off after seeing her antics did nothing to upset my folks.
She didn’t get the “payoff” she was hoping for and it let the air out of her proverbial tires.

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DGS December 13, 2016 at 9:17 am

Say nothing, but send her a thank you card for her present and sign it from OP and Husband. Point sent.

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NostalgicGal December 13, 2016 at 11:37 am

[LIKE] This is the perfect way to get it quietly across and see what happens from there.

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Amanda H. December 13, 2016 at 4:30 pm

I’ll second this idea. This sounds like the perfect response.

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Margo December 14, 2016 at 5:14 pm

I think it seems quite passive aggressive. I think if you haven’t already done so, then speak to your sister.

Start out by saying that you noticed she left off your husband’s name, and ask why.
f it is an oversight, she can say so. If not, if she refers to the things you previously told her or to her views about him, then explain to her that you understand that she feels protective of you and that you recognise that she can’t just forget the things you told her when you and your husband were going through a bad patch, but that thinks are better between the two of you and that you, (not your husband, you) are hurt by this.

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Michelle December 13, 2016 at 9:18 am

Well now, she just showed your husband, didn’t she? She left him off the Christmas card and I’m sure your husband is devastated.

If your sister has to be an arse and try to get a dig a your husband by leaving him off the card, I say let her have her jollies. She sounds like a demanding, spiteful, judgmental person who plays childish games to try to let her displeasure be known instead of acting like an adult.

I strongly suggest if you & your husband have any future marital woes that you do not tell your sister, in case her next plan is cutting your husband out of family pictures.

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Louise December 13, 2016 at 9:21 am

It doesn’t say here whether you have addressed this with your sister before. If a member of my family was being rude to my husband, I would try to have a private word with them, explaining that while I am grateful that they are so supportive of me (and it sounds as if your sister feels like you need defending from your husband), that he is still my husband, and a family member, so they need to remain civil.

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Ulla December 13, 2016 at 9:25 am

Have you ever discussed the now better maritial situation with your sister? Does your sister know that you, as couple, are now doing fine? It’s maybe not something that is easily said out loud. So for outsider it might be hard to determine if the problems are still there and couple is just putting happy face for outsiders. Or if they resolved the problems.

I’ve heard an advice that it is better be careful about what you tell about your spouse to friends and family, because they might have much harder time forgiving than you do. Especially because they will not be part of any fixing actions, such as counceling, asking forgivness and forgiving and just the better everyday life where spouses can find will and heart to forgive/move past previous problems because now there is concrete improvement they can see and feel. The family and friends who heard the griping and complains and so on, they don’t witness any of this. So the descriptions of problems/problematic behaviors can easily affect negatively the image of the other person long time.

I’d say the solution (if there is any) lies in changing the sister’s negative image of your husband. Sure, it might be possible to “force” her to include the name of your husband to cards, but what would that change if her image of him would still be such a negative one. Nothing. Because you’d know that she only included him, because you complained about it.

I do think it’s bit petty not to include your husband (assuming now that it was not honest mistake), though I do wonder 😀 How horrible must human be before you can remove him/her from your christmas card list! (Not saying OP’s husband is horrible!)

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Cleosia December 13, 2016 at 9:30 am

I disagree. From what I read, this is not an isolated incident but pattern of behavior that is on-going. I do think that you should tell you sister to knock it off. The trouble you had between you and your husband is in the past and she needs to grow up and get over it. It will only become a bigger bone of contention between you and her the longer it continues without correction.

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Cat2 December 13, 2016 at 9:32 am

If you genuinely believe that she did *not* honestly forget, then yes you should say something now. Because you want to head this off at the pass before she takes your silence to mean acceptance.

However, what you say should be phrased with the benefit of the doubt. “Hey, I was curious. Did you mean to leave DH’s name off the card you sent to us?” and let the conversation go from there. Accept her claim of honestly forgetting and saying “Okay, I just wanted to make sure!” – and then see what happens next year.

If it happens again next year, then you can tell her “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on – but I really need you to acknowledge my husband as my husband and send greetings to us as a couple, just as we* do for you and your wife.” Refuse to be drawn into a discussion about it and tell her you’re not interested in talking about it. This is just you standing up for your husband and your marriage and you’re letting her know this.

*We – if you get to this point, do emphasize that the greetings come from both of you, not just you.

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Julia December 13, 2016 at 9:34 am

Gotta disagree. I have a sister who does such things, and often. Your sister loves you and wants to care for you, which is great, but it sounds like she doesn’t respect you or your choices. She “knows better” than you about your own marriage and feels that you should not be with him anymore. She’s reminding you that you can be single and showing you her strength in refusing to forgive him.

I urge you to talk seriously, and lovingly, to your sister. Tell her as nicely as possible that her refusal to respect your life choices and acknowledge your marriage as you want it to be acknowledged is hurting you. Ask her to do you the courtesy of believing what you say.

Of course, it’s quite likely that she will only agree to act better toward your husband because she is “humoring you.” She will then silently await the day you “come to your senses.” But that’s better than the current situation.

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Vic December 13, 2016 at 9:37 am

If the situation was reversed and your husband’s sister was treating you like this, how would you feel? Would you expect your husband to have your back and refuse to tolerate his sibling’s treatment of you? If he didn’t, how would that make you feel about your husband? How much would this weigh you down over time!

Assuming there’s no abuse in your relationship, your husband should come first. Standing up for him isn’t impolite. It isn’t starting drama. It’s necessary in order for your husband and your family to see where your priorities lie. You say your sister is a firm believer in stating the truth. I think it’s high time she heard a few home truths about her judgmental behavior. You should make it clear that you will no longer tolerate it, and stick to it.

After making my feelings crystal clear, I would refuse to keep anything else she gave me that was an obvious snub to my husband. You’re sending a message to your children too about loyalty and marriage. I know some people will say to ignore her to avoid family drama. But sometimes doing the right thing means enduring some drama upfront to avoid more pain in the long run.

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BellyJean December 13, 2016 at 4:33 pm

+1000 this

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LadyV December 13, 2016 at 9:42 am

I’m not really trying to justify your sister’s behavior, but please try to understand that it actually is coming from a place of love. For her, your husband is someone who hurt a person she loves very much, and that’s not easy to forgive. It’s often easier for us to forgive people who have hurt us than it is for those who love us to forgive. I speak from experience – my brother’s wife caused serious legal difficulties for him some years ago, and while he was willing to forgive and forget, I have never been able to. Fortunately, they live on the other side of the country, so there’s not a lot of interaction. The few times I have had to see her, I have been civil, and that’s about it. You might want to try telling your sister that you understand that she has negative feelings about your husband, but that it’s hurtful to you when she ignores him or treats him badly.

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Lacey December 13, 2016 at 4:27 pm

This. Her viewpoint is that you may have forgiven him, but she still thinks he’s a bad guy and can’t bring herself to act like everything’s fine when she wishes you were free from him. She’s not trying to hurt you. You may have to talk to her and explain that you truly have worked through your problems.

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Ange December 14, 2016 at 4:40 am

Yes. Lesson learned about keeping marital strife between you, your husband and the counsellor. As terrible as it is OP you kind of created this situation.

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SianMcClay December 13, 2016 at 9:46 am

Since you and your sister are honest with each other, why not address it? Tell her you understand she’s not fond of your husband, she doesn’t have to be. But you made your choice, you stayed with your husband and you are happy with your choice, so you would like sister to be respectful of that.

She doesn’t have to do anything but be polite, and that includes his name on a christmas card. Just lay it out for her. Having an honest conversation with someone isn’t being dramatic. It’s not just about the card, she’s openly rude to him and that’s disrespectful to you.

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Annon December 13, 2016 at 10:04 am

Address it with her. If she did it deliberately, then you tell her it was rude and disrespectful. Also tell her that you confided in her since she is your sister, but you never thought she would hold this grudge against your husband for whatever went on. If you were able to save your marriage and now are happy together, your sister should accept that, whether she agrees with it or not, and include him in the card. Leaving him off intentionally will only cause his to get angry and then could cause a rift either between you and your husband or you and your sister.
She needs to grow up – especially if you did the same to her and all *hell* would break loose. It’s funny how those can do to others, but if done to them they don’t like it.
Good luck.

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Leigh December 13, 2016 at 10:12 am

I say, take the high road and don’t bring it up to her. If she knows it bothers you, and she keeps doing it, she’s getting something out of it like Cerys said. Don’t feed the drama llama.

Of course, evil me says send a thank you card signed by both of you, but I don’t know if that’s high road/good manners or not. Admin would need to make the call on that one.

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AMC December 13, 2016 at 10:26 am

I don’t want to make too many assumptions here, but it is not uncommon for people to gripe about their spouse to family and friends, when a couple is on the outs, and then conveniently forget to mention their spouse’s positive qualities after they make up. This leaves the family/friends with a very negative and one-sided view of said spouse. Perhaps this is what has happened with OP’s sister; she heard all about their marital problems, but wasn’t there for the counseling sessions and the dramatic turn-around. I think OP should re-evaluate how she speaks about her husband to her sister.

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Dippy December 13, 2016 at 10:39 am

My mother always told me to be careful who you share your marital woes with. You may make up with your spouse, but the person you shared the info with might carry resentment against the person who “wronged” you.

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rindlrad December 13, 2016 at 1:01 pm

This x 1,000. Especially if you share with family. They are often your support system, but they can also carry grudges on your behalf long after you have forgiven and forgotten.

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Tracy P December 13, 2016 at 10:51 am

I agree with Cerys. Ignore it like crazy. And if your petty sister tries to bring it up to get a rise out of you, play dumb. She mentions her Christmas card, you respond with “yes, we got it, thank you.” Note the we part. Pretend that she didn’t snub your husband and watch her implode as you don’t stoop to her level.

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Dee December 13, 2016 at 10:59 am

OP, your husband needs your support. Your sister can do whatever she likes but you control you. You should make it very clear that her “mistake” is hurtful to you and you hope she will be able to make amends before Christmas. You can point out that you would never snub her spouse, even if you didn’t like her, because you have too much love and respect for your sister to want to hurt her like that. And then return, unopened, all future gifts and cards that are one-sided. You can continue to give her and her spouse gifts and cards, as always. She can make the effort to snub your husband but you don’t have to join that effort.

And, in the future, go to a counsellor to air your dirty laundry.

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Shoegal December 13, 2016 at 11:05 am

You aren’t being petty. Out of respect for you and your choices, your sister should include your husband’s name on the card. The only justification I could see would be that your husband did something so reprehensible to her or you that she can’t get past. I also see that you can’t reciprocate to make a point – two wrongs don’t make a right. If you already know that you should speak to your sister then you should do it. The only way things get resolved is through communication. Just tell her how you feel.

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Lerah99 December 13, 2016 at 11:13 am

You and your sister need a heart-to-heart.

You need to tell her something along the lines of:
“It really helped that you were there for me and always in my corner 3 years ago when husband and I were having all those problems. Being able to vent my frustrations and hurt to you really helped me make it through that dark time.

But I’m afraid it forever hurt your opinion of my husband. And you are still trying to fight battles that I left behind 3 years ago.

I love my husband. He is the father of my children. Yes, he has his flaws. Just like all of us, he isn’t perfect. He made bad choices and at times treated me poorly. But things are much better now. I’m much happier now.

It hurts me that you treat him with such open contempt.

I know you are doing it out of a sense of loyalty and love for me. But your actions are actually hurting me emotionally.

It would mean the world to me if you could treat my husband with just a little bit of civility. I know you two are never going to be friends. But for my sake, I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop doing things like leaving him off the Christmas card and being confrontational with him at family gatherings.

You are my sister and I know how much you love me. I know you always have my back no matter what. I love you. And this would really help me out.”

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Cat December 13, 2016 at 11:15 am

I think I’d tell Sis that I regret complaining to her about my husband. I’d tell her we worked everything out and are happy together.
I would also tell her that I love and support her beloved, but that she has to respond in kind and show my spouse the same love and support I will show hers.

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PJ December 13, 2016 at 11:25 am

I’m torn between not wanting to feed into her drama and wanting to stop her pettiness. I think I would not comment on the card because it would require starting up a conversation specifically to address her behavior. What I would do is call her out every time she makes hateful comments about your husband, when you can do it in the moment and in person. Something like “I know you don’t care for George at all, but I do, and neither of us is interested in hearing your hateful comments about him anymore.” I’d reinforce it with leaving the scene when she is outright rude to him.

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Pat December 13, 2016 at 11:39 am

Our family had a situation where one spouse cheated on another. The spouses worked it out and stayed together and as far as I can tell are now happily married. Family respected the decision both of them made and did not make the situation more difficult by snubbing or ostracizing the guilty spouse. I’m sure that privately family members felt differently toward the cheater, but it would be wrong to add to the difficulty by overt hostility. I think OP should talk to her sister and make it clear to her that her disrespectful treatment of OP’s husband is disrespectful and hurtful to OP.

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NostalgicGal December 13, 2016 at 11:48 am

I have the SIL that has hated me since I started dating her brother (who I’m close to 4 decades of marriage with). She was always a pot stirrer and other family got the memo about staying out of her meddling…(from all the cra..stuff, she’s tried to do with us including nearly succeeding once in the early years in breaking up the marriage, she gloated so hard and DH bought the clue…) she made a big thing over making various holiday treats every year and a few years ago quit sending her brother a big tin of them (chocolate covered pretzels, cookies, etc) because I might be eating some of them. The NERVE. Fine. I made some stuff last year, myself. DH was on video with her and eating some of what I’d made onscreen, and she had the cow when she seen this. How DARE >I< make holiday goodies!!!!!!!!!!! She was at one of the brother's place for the holiday and the other sister that was there actually took her to task, not pretty, but about time. This year we didn't send her a card. She hasn't sent us one for decades. Wondering when the lack of card will come back to get us? Oh well.

OP, you need to have your spouse's back, and address the issue with sis. You support her marriage, she should support yours. Period.

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mark December 13, 2016 at 11:54 am

Since you ask for advice, here is a bit. (insert standard disclaimer here)

Tell her it is bothering you a lot. Try and be nice about it if you can, but be a bear about it if you must. If she brushes you off, push back harder.

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lkb December 13, 2016 at 12:50 pm

Just wondering where husband is in all this? Does it bug him? What does he think should be done, if anything?

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padua December 13, 2016 at 12:54 pm

I’m going to go completely against the grain here. you opened that door by complaining to her, and while it was beneficial at the time, you now have to deal with the consequences. I had a very dear friend tell me of some very hurtful things her partner did several years ago. she chose to stay with him. i can’t erase what i know about him. I care about her and her happiness and because he was so hurtful, I’ve never been able to like him. and frankly, I don’t feel I have to. i’ll be civil but that’s where i draw the line. just because she chose to keep him in her life doesn’t mean i have to.

as far as the present, I send my siblings gifts all the time without including their spouses. and vice versa. and i send their spouses gifts without including my sibling. a family Christmas card is one thing but a gift? good gravy. spouses don’t have to be included in everything. ask before you assume she did it deliberately rather than just sending you something because she loves you. does etiquette truly oblige us to send include both parties in every gift we send? cards i get unless it’s a card associated with a gift.
I’m totally leaving room in case I’m wrong…

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rindlrad December 13, 2016 at 1:13 pm

I’m absolutely floored at the number of comments urging the OP to ignore her Sister’s treatment of her husband. Just yesterday most of the comments were up in arms regarding a husband who wouldn’t stand up for his wife – and rightfully so. It’s a horrible double-standard to expect more from a husband than from a wife. I’m not suggesting that OP cut her Sister out of her life over this, but I do think she needs to have a talk with her sibling and straighten some things out. Sister and husband don’t have to have a close relationship, but basic civility shouldn’t be too much to ask.

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Helen December 13, 2016 at 4:15 pm

I’m with you @rindlrad. I think the OP should address it with her sister. She should tell her that she doesn’t have to like her husband, but she needs to have basic respect and civility towards him, as OP has for sister’s wife. OP clearly stated that if she left her sister’s wife’s name off a card “all hell would break loose”. That tells me all I need to know about the sister.

Of course, OP made the initial mistake of confiding about her marriage to her sister and now her sister is carrying grudge.

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BellyJean December 13, 2016 at 4:45 pm

Thank you – agreed!

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Anon December 13, 2016 at 1:15 pm

Do I believe this could be a passive-aggressive thing? Sure.

But… everything was just for you right? Nothing was for your husband at all?

I guess what I’m not understanding is, if you give a gift only to one person of a couple (say just the husband or just the wife or just one of the kids), then why would you address it to two people? Is it different because it’s a Holiday as opposed to something else?

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Ketchup December 13, 2016 at 1:21 pm

I recommend innocently asking why she’s left off your husband. And then just keep asking in a light, easy tone without judgement, for further explanations. “But why?” Just lead her through her explanations and she’ll probably understand. Keep it light and simple. Pretend ignorance. I recommend this often. When you force people to explain their petty incentives you make them more conscious of their own misbehaviour.

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Ty December 13, 2016 at 1:59 pm

To begin, over the years, I’ve learned to be very selective about what I share with family regarding my relationship with my SO. There are certain things that family just absolutely will not let go, and from their perspective, they’re coming from a place of love and concern rather than pettiness.

I really don’t understand what’s wrong with pulling sis aside and saying, “Hey, I’ve noticed a rather troubling trend in regards to your interactions with hubby. Can we talk about this?” If she is genuinely coming from a place of love and concern, then I think she’ll be willing to hear you out. If she’s merely coming from a place of pettiness, then you’re well within your rights to tell her that she’s being a brat and to knock it off.

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Huh December 13, 2016 at 2:01 pm

In a way, I can see both sides. OP, your sister doesn’t have to be rude to your husband. You need to talk to her about that and explain that you will not tolerate that. She doesn’t have to love him, she doesn’t even have to like him, but he’s your husband and she needs to accept that and treat him with basic courtesy. Don’t snipe at him/about him to you and put both your names on the holiday card.

OTOH, as a couple of the other posters have mentioned before, it may be she is angry and cannot forgive what he did during your serious marital problems time. I’ve been there with two different friends who used me as a sounding board, which was fine. But it left me hating both of their spouses. I could overcome those feelings when I had to interact with them, but my thoughts on them were forever changed after that.

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Rebecca December 13, 2016 at 7:42 pm

Except you didn’t hear their spouses’ sides of those stories. Not saying your friends were lying, but even the best of people have a way of omitting details about their role in relationship problems, or even denying it to themselves. Usually there is another take on things, and the truth lies somewhere in between.

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mark December 14, 2016 at 2:08 am

This is so important to remember. And it’s not like the person is necessarily lying either. Human perception and memory is so imperfect that we frequently get stuff wrong.

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Vicki December 13, 2016 at 4:39 pm

Since you believe she’d tell you the truth, ask her. If she did forget, tell her that it’s important to you, just like it’s important to her that you remember her wife.

If she says she did it on purpose, ask her to stop. It might help to tell her that if she’s trying to support you by leaving your husband’s name off things or being nasty to him, it isn’t working, and in fact does the exact opposite.

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Tim Heller December 13, 2016 at 4:41 pm

maybe passive aggressive but either way one must consider her lifestyle as maybe she doesn’t care for men! personally as a man I don’t care if I am included in a gift for my wife as its probably girl stuff anyway, unless it’s something to eat of course! we only by gifts for the grand kids

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Anna December 14, 2016 at 11:30 am

Please consider your words and how they promote negative stereotypes. Do you really believe lesbians are hostile towards all men? There is no evidence for that in this letter.

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NostalgicGal December 14, 2016 at 9:22 pm

No but it is something to consider. All versions of gay may have a stripe against the other sex. I’ve known some of both main bents that had a massive loathing for the other sex and didn’t bother to hide it. Some may have hid it. Anyways, it takes all kinds in this world and don’t totally discount it. It could be the sis is fine and it’s the spouse that has issues and leans on the sis involved.

Talk about it with sis.

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Spoons December 15, 2016 at 10:34 am

Plenty of straight people have the same ‘massive loathing’, which may seem counter-intuitive, but is unpleasantly common. It often appears based on either frustrated entitlement, or resentment generalised to an entire gender instead of being directed at one individual.
There is nothing in the letter to suggest it is significant.

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lakey December 13, 2016 at 6:02 pm

“Should I say something to her about leaving my husband’s name off the Christmas card? ”
Yes. You should also say something to her when she snipes at him or does anything else that shows her obvious dislike. You have a duty to be loyal to your husband. If someone treated me the way your sister treats your husband, I would stop associating with them.
Allowing your sister to be snotty to your husband sends the message that her behavior is okay. It isn’t. She doesn’t have to be overly fond of him, she just has to treat him with the same respect that she shows to everyone else.

I would tell her that you and your husband have worked out your problems and she needs to accept him, or you will cut back contact.

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stacey December 13, 2016 at 6:14 pm

Sis can feel about your DH however she wants to. And you can ignore all but in-person drama. Direct disrespect must be dealt with. Optional niceties? The only one who looks like a donkey’s rear end there is dear old sis…

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Starstruck December 13, 2016 at 7:04 pm

You said she has made digs at your husband in the past? That in itself should not be tolerated. You would certainly want ur husband to stick up for you in the event his family bashed you behind your back. That’s why it’s very tricky to vent to our friends and family without baring to much information , because while we forgive our partners and make up , our friends and family sometimes don’t. I would say something about this little snub as well. But calmly . Let her know u would appreciate it if he were included next time.

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Rebecca December 13, 2016 at 7:37 pm

And people wonder why I clam right up about relationship issues. I’m not married but I’ve made that mistake before, discussing relationship problems and breakups with a close friend, only to work it out and/or get back together with the person and be happy about it. And then I can smell the disapproval. So I learned not to share too much, even if the person is close to me.

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Mc December 14, 2016 at 3:01 pm

What does her partner being a woman have anything to do with it?

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iwadasn December 14, 2016 at 9:40 pm

OP said that “all hell would break loose” if someone sent a card to her sister without acknowledging her wife. It sounds like OP’s sister knows from experience what it’s like for someone to refuse to acknowledge that your partner is your partner, and therefore knows exactly how hurtful she’s being to OP and OP’s husband.

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Nenetl December 16, 2016 at 10:48 pm

I thought it might be to prevent misgendering her in the comments. If comments being made about the partner were to be anything like ‘What does sisters husband think about this?’ Or something along those lines.

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Linda December 15, 2016 at 9:25 pm

I would send it all back unopened.

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Anon December 28, 2016 at 2:17 pm

Why isnt it okay for your sister to just have a relationship with? Why must married people always be joined to the hip? I dont like my brother in law, he is mean and treats my sister badly but just like an abused wife she is always saying how he doesnt mean it and idolises him. After 15 years im sick of their marital tiffs and find his personality boorish and like a bully. I cant even host birthday parties for our parents or siblings without her always bringing him along and making everyone uncomfortable because of previous issues. As a result sadly ive stopped hosting all events and dont go to her house anymore. I still call and text her but it is difficult to meet because her rule is to bring her husband to all social gatherings. However, I have to pretend I like her husband because whenever I mention taking issue with him she gives me silent treatment and prohibits access to her kids for months at a time. Now, to try and maintain some kind of relationship with my sister I prented to like her husband and just say I cant organise socials due to being busy with work. My point is people please appreciate the bond you have with your siblings, you knew and loved them first. Please acknowledge just because you love your husband not everyone else will or should, but your siblings probably love amd miss you so please try to spend seperate quality time with them. You can let the card snubb go and take it as a hint to continue a seperate relationship with you or you can ‘stand by your man’ and lose half your family.

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