It used to be that when you did not invite someone to an event, you just kept quiet about it. Etiquette dictated you did not discuss events to which you were invited with people who were not invited. If you were uncertain whether or not an individual was invited to the event you did not discuss it in their company, just in case. Technology and social media sharing have effectively removed that option; it is hard to tactfully not mention to someone that you did not invite them when attendees are posting pictures of the event after the fact. Obviously we cannot control the visibility of our friends’ media, so what is the proper way to handle this type of situation?
For background, my friend recently had an engagement party to which several people she does not like were not invited. The party was tactfully kept off the radar on the social websites we frequent, but then people shared photos taken at the party after the fact. Apparently one non-invitee, an acquaintance on the fringes of our social circle, is very offended that she was not included; frankly, I can’t imagine why she is surprised considering the shabby way she has treated my friend in the past. Nevertheless, she is posting snarky comments on the photographs taken at the event, such as “That looks like it was a blast. Too bad I wasn’t invited. Ouch.” My friend is uncertain how to address this, and myself as well. Of course, my friend was not obligated to invite someone to a social event if she did not want them there, particularly since she has no intention of inviting the woman to the wedding. However we are at a loss as to how to handle this woman. We have tried ignoring her for a few days, but she continues to make nasty, passive-aggressive comments. It seems like it would be inappropriate to ask attendees to filter their posts so she can’t see them, and it is a little late for that anyway. Do we just continue to ignore her? Is there something to be said to her? I would not think she is owed an apology, but am I wrong? 0927-11
Snarky comments are a dead give away, in my opinion, as to why someone was not invited to a private party. So, I trust that others can see the same attitude of petulant entitlement and dismiss it. I’d ignore it and there is certainly nothing wrong with blocking a person from commenting either. If she’s on the “fringe of our social circle”, set her free to pursue other friendships elsewhere by snipping the fringe off.
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If you continue to ignore these snarky remarks she should eventually give up; her remarks say far more about her than your friend, and others will see that too. By engaging her in any way you would just be feeding the flames of her discontent.
There is one very simple solution and it’s called…. “The Unfriend button”.
Actually, it’s not that simple–OP can unfriend this woman, and that’s actually not a bad idea, because she’s been acting very rude and passive-aggressive, and she treated OP’s friend badly in the past. However, if she wants all of her interactions on social media to be free of this rude woman, she’d actually have to block her. The rules are complicated, but basically, you can customize what your Facebook friends can see, and how they can communicate with you, versus the general public, but you’ll still be able to see each other through your activity on mutual friends’ walls, unless you actually block her. That’s like, the Facebook equivalent of the Cut Direct, though–the only time I ever blocked someone on Facebook, it was a guy who was cheating on a friend of mine when they were engaged to be married. So, low-level rudeness to a third party, doesn’t hit the “block” threshold for most people.
My block list is probably longer than my friends list! Especially after the 2016 US election!
It doesn’t sound like OP or her friend posted pix and quite possibly aren’t even friends with this person on social media. This could have been a mutual friend/s doing the posting. The only solution for this is for any mutual friends to block this snarky person from being able to view the pix. Too much work.
If OP blocks, she won’t be able to see this persons comments full stop, so it still works as a solution.
I agree with EHelldame. Anyone reading comments like that won’t need to know any of the people or circumstances to draw the conclusion that this is a person that they wouldn’t have wanted at their own engagement party, either! Her own friends, assuming she has any, will be embarrassed if not actively repelled by her behaviour. Your friend should simply ignore this, and let her continue digging herself into a hole of social undesirability.
If your friend meets this acquaintance face to face, she should act as though she didn’t know about the online comments, and simply not engage with any hints. (Reproachfully: ‘Your engagement party looked like a real blast!’ Brightly: ‘Yes, it was very enjoyable, thank you.’)
I think it’s very unlikely that this woman would have the crust to say outright ‘Why didn’t you invite me?’ If she should, the appropriate answer is something along the lines of ‘It was just a small party for my closest friends’. If she is deluded enough to say ‘But I AM one of your closest friends!!!’ the response is a bemused expression. But, as I say, I really don’t think it would ever happen.
Yeah, this woman sounds awful–if she’s treated your friend badly in the past, and now she’s having a very public tantrum on Facebook about not having been invited to the engagement party AS A DIRECT RESULT OF HER OWN BEHAVIOUR, then why is your friend, or anyone, even still friends with this woman? I know, “snipping off the fringe” is easier said than done, but really? I’d either ignore her comments, or maybe suggest to your friend that she talk to her, if she hasn’t already, or if her transgression wasn’t obvious (like, say, having an affair with Friend’s partner, or wrecking Friend’s car and not offering to pay for it, or feeding chocolate to Friend’s dog).
As for me, I was recently not invited to a baby shower for a friend of mine from high school; however, I knew I wouldn’t be, because we’d drifted apart last summer–she came back into my life after an absence of several years, and suddenly wanted to make plans all the time, but she’d always cancel at the last minute. After at least five or six rounds of that (with Friend just telling me “not to take it personally” because she was “so busy” when I called her on it), I said I didn’t want to make plans with her anymore. I didn’t say I wanted to end the friendship; we could still talk online and on the phone and stuff; I just didn’t want to make plans if she couldn’t stick with them. She got offended, and most of our mutual friends sided with her (because she had “so much going on,” and I “had no compassion”), and they got invited to the baby shower–and she posted pictures of it on Facebook after the fact. However, I didn’t mind, because it’s not up to me to tell people what they can and can’t post on their social media pages, and in a party situation, it wouldn’t have been up to her to tell her guests what they could and couldn’t post on THEIR pages. Also, I know that my non-invitation was the result of my own actions–I set the boundary of not wanting to make plans with a serial flake, and that had the natural effect of scaling back our friendship. Actually, I think it would have been ruder of her to invite me, because that would have said, “You’re not worth following through when we make plans to get together, but you’re good enough to bring a gift for my future child.” So, if I had been invited to the shower, I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway.
I think you are better off without this woman in your life…it is like her time is more important than yours…
@Dyan–Yes, her time was definitely “more important than mine,” when I allowed it to be. Her method of “making plans” was either “Let’s get together on X date in the afternoon; I’ll let you know when I’m available,” and then she’d expect me to be glued to my phone or computer, waiting for her to call/text/Facebook-message me, or “I can fit you in for an hour in between work and meal-prepping for the next week” (Gee, thanks), or committing to a specific plan on a specific day at a specific time, only to cancel last-minute or just not show. So, spring/early summer of 2016 involved a lot of waiting around for Flake to decide what she was doing, until I put my foot down and said I wasn’t going to make plans with her anymore, because she wasn’t able to make firm plans and stick with them. It meant missing out on other stuff, like when two of our mutual friends were singing in a concert together, out of town (Flake was going too, and she was going to be my ride), but I’m glad I set that boundary and stuck with it, because it meant that the time that I’d previously spent waiting around for Flake, became time that I could spend actually doing stuff.
“Also, I know that my non-invitation was the result of my own actions”
And this is how adults handle these things. Sometimes you just have to face up to the fact that you aren’t a good match.
This seems to be another of those social situations that is amplified, in a bad way, by social media.
In the old days, a social gathering or event wasn’t spoken of in front of the uninvited, and hopefully they did not learn of it. If they did, and made comments to that effect in a social setting, they would have been further ostracized. The whole thing was a bit of a fiction in close society (since all parties involved usually knew exactly what was going on), but it was all part of the social contract to play by what were rather rigid etiquette rules.
Now, with social media allowing everyone to share their activities with the world on a real-time basis, the uninvited may be painfully aware of the missed event, and the invitee-posters know full well. There is no polite cover-up to spare anyone’s feelings.
Complaining about being left out is the etiquette infraction here, on the part of the uninvited woman. All the others can do is ignore her and hope that she will go away. We’ve made our social media beds and now we get to lie in them!
I say continue to ignore her comments. To respond to them in any way opens the door to debate regarding whether or not she SHOULD have been invited, and who wants to waste their time on that? I, personally, get more satisfaction from just ignoring offensive comments made to my posts on social media than responding to them or blocking the person making the comments.
A similar thing happened to our household (at least the first part of this post). My husband’s sibling posted pictures of a get-together at a local eatery that included everyone on my husband’s side of the family except our household. I’m guessing it was an impromptu get-together prompted by a nephew’s visiting from out of state, but I must confess I was very hurt we were not invited. While they may not have done so because we live about an hour away, my husband worked about 15 minutes away from the venue and could have put in an appearance had he known.
This post is the first time I have expressed my disappointment. The snark described in the OP is uncalled for.
lkb – I think your comment is the only one to really address the etiquette issue in OP’s post. It doesn’t matter that the uninvited person is a pain in the keester. The practise of airing photos and details of a party to those who were not invited is the issue, and it’s very rude and guarantees hard feelings. It’ll never stop being rude, no matter how often it happens on social media. And your post, lkb, shows exactly why it’s rude.
If you don’t like someone, then why have them on your social media page? That’s disingenuous. If you do like them then why hurt them, deliberately, by showing off an event they weren’t invited to? The solution is all up to the posters, not the uninvited. If the posters weren’t behaving badly the pain-in-the-keester woman wouldn’t have any ammo. That’s the key.
And this is yet another reason why I am so glad to not be on social media. It’s just high school, revisited. In spades.
If the comments are on your pictures, delete them. Don’t engage or explain.
If the comments are on other people’s pictures, ignore them. Don’t engage or explain.
If you block her, do her comments stop showing to you? I believe they do.
Me, being the nasty person I am, would at some point post, “This continued harassment you are perusing is an example of one of the many reasons you weren’t invited to my event.” And then block her.
My daughter has her media sites and only people she wants on them can gain access to them. I like this better than letting 6 million people you don’t know have access to your life.
Facebook is the only social media site I use and so, am unfamiliar with how the others work. But I have learned to feel absolutely no qualms about using the “block” feature. The blocked person will no longer see anything you post, will not see your comments under other users posts and actually, will not be able to tell you even exist on the site. Granted, you also cannot see them, but at least your information is no longer available to them. I have found it quite refreshing.
“Of course, my friend was not obligated to invite someone to a social event if she did not want them there, particularly since she has no intention of inviting the woman to the wedding.”
There’s your friend’s reply to this person’s snark right there … “You weren’t invited because it would have been rude to invite you to the engagement party when I have no intention of inviting you to the wedding! <3 <3 <3"
Kidding! Kidding! (Barely … )
This "friend" is looking for drama and attention … don't give it to her. There is nothing your engaged friend can say that this other person won't pick apart and turn into more drama, so this is one of those times in life where the best reply is no reply. She chose to show her butt, don't cover it for her … let those comments hang there, the only person they reflect badly on is her. I mean, whining on social media about not being invited to a party? An ENGAGEMENT party, not some raging kegger where it's a matter of the more the merrier … she needs to grow up!
It kind of depends on how blunt you what to be. Just quote them
“That looks like it was a blast. Too bad I wasn’t invited. Ouch.”
The respond with something to the effect “with comments like this you shouldn’t really be surprised you weren’t invited”
Though the best response probably is to ignore or if it continues, just block.
My first thought on reading this story was “have some pride, woman!” It’s one thing to be privately hurt by the lack of an invitation, quite another to let everyone know about it. And given her comments, I agree with admin that her comments likely spring from a sense of entitlement anyway.
I too would just ignore her, and trust other sensible friends to do the same. Sounds like she wants to create a nice little drama, but a production with no audience is no production at all, so she’ll probably get bored soon. If it goes on for much longer, I’d consider blocking her if that’s an option.
She certainly shouldn’t have said that (the appropriate response would have been to either keep scrolling or to say, “lovely photos! Looks like it was a fun party” and keep going), AND I wonder if she knows at all that she has not treated your friend well, or why she is not welcome at some events but welcome at others. If she has not treated your friend well, why is she still part of the social circle? And why did your friend not speak to her after the initial time she was treated poorly, something along the lines of, “Hyacinth, when you do ____, that makes me feel ____”?
There are times when large social groups consistently run along very unhealthy dynamics – there is a core group that “drives” the social functions and the get-togethers and other fringe friends “on the outs” looking “to get in”, and there are some really nasty power plays and tacky displays of cliquey behavior that are catalyzed by social media posts and group texts, etc. In those cases, there are parties that only the “in” crowd is invited to, while other get-togethers are open to all members of the social circle. It could be kinder and gentler to simply let this fringe acquaintance go, much like Admin has said, and to seize to include her at all in the social circle than to maintain a fringe relationship with her. It also seems healthier and more inclusive to limit one’s social circle to people one truly enjoys as much as possible and also to limit social media posts and humble brags about social outings.
“she certainly shouldn’t have said that (the appropriate response would have been to either keep scrolling or to say, “lovely photos! Looks like it was a fun party” and keep going)”
I did this with a friend who got married earlier this year. Another friend was a BM, but I wasn’t invited to the wedding. We haven’t been that close recently, so while I would have loved to have gotten an invite, I didn’t and was ok with it.
I did however, comment on her photos, merely to say how beautiful she looked, and how it looked like a lovely wedding…and so on.
>>There are times when large social groups consistently run along very unhealthy dynamics – there is a core group that “drives” the social functions and the get-togethers and other fringe friends “on the outs” looking “to get in”, and there are some really nasty power plays and tacky displays of cliquey behavior that are catalyzed by social media posts and group texts, etc. In those cases, there are parties that only the “in” crowd is invited to, while other get-togethers are open to all members of the social circle. It could be kinder and gentler to simply let this fringe acquaintance go, much like Admin has said, and to seize to include her at all in the social circle than to maintain a fringe relationship with her. It also seems healthier and more inclusive to limit one’s social circle to people one truly enjoys as much as possible and also to limit social media posts and humble brags about social outings.<<
This is true. It's further obscured by the fact that no social group runs along either unhealthy OR healthy dynamics 100% of the time. So, it could have happened that, say, Rose likes Hyacinth just fine, but she didn't invite her to her pool party in August, because Hyacinth doesn't swim. Then, maybe Daisy is fine with Hyacinth too, but she didn't invite her to the dinner party she had last month, because that was actually for the members of her book club, and Hyacinth isn't in the book club……but then, recently, when Amaryllis didn't invite Hyacinth to her engagement party, that actually WAS because she didn't like her. Now, sometimes, "it was for X specific group," or "it was a small party," or "not everyone can be invited to everything"; are plausible, but if there's a pattern of excluding one person from most or all events, or, say, only inviting this person to gift-giving events, or fundraiser-type events (like, say, Tupperware/Arbonne/essential oils/whatever parties), then that's a pretty big snub…..but the rules of social etiquette would make it rude for the person being snubbed, to speak up about this. Now, if Hyacinth did something blatantly and deliberately awful (or even if it was an accident, but she didn't make any attempt to make amends), then yeah, she knows what she did, but if it was something trivial like, say, accidentally wearing the same thing as Amaryllis to a previous group outing, or saying something like "remember how Dumbledore died?"; without realizing that Amaryllis hasn't gotten that far in Harry Potter yet, then that level of snubbing is excessive.
I totally agree with Admin. Delete the comments and consider unfriending or blocking all together.
I agree wholeheartedly with Admin. It does seem that social media is changing etiquette– or has a new etiquette of its own.
I’ve been on the side of finding out there was a party to which I was not invited by seeing pictures and status updates on social media, and honestly, my feelings were hurt. I never said anything though, particularly not via a public comment. That was pretty obnoxious.
I would bet though, that your friend does not see herself as being a fringe member of your social circle, and whatever offensive thing she did or said to the party hostess was probably not offensive in her eyes. The most obnoxious people tend to be the most oblivious to their shortcomings, in my experience.
I’d just ignore the comments. It is doubtful she will address her grievance with the party host directly.
Depending on which site you are using, you can limit the posts this person sees. That way she still has you in her friend list but won’t see anything you post unless it is a public post. Obviously this will only limit her from viewing your posts, but others may follow suit. You Can also limit the content you see from her as another option so you won’t have to see her passive aggressive posts. That is also helpful if she confronts you in a group setting, you can honestly say you didn’t see whatever it is that she is referring to. Hopefully you can limit the time to spend around this person and still enjoy the social nature of social media with your true friends.
She is not owed an apology and no one needs to address her little snit fit. People are allowed to have parties and invite who they want. It’s unfortunate that she saw the pictures that others have posted, but that is the way it is with social media.
If she point blank asks your friend why she didn’t get an invitation, I think it would be forgiveable to say “Oh, I’m sorry. This party was a special occasion and I only invited my friends. “
I’d simply continue to ignore her and all her snarky comments. Once she realizes that no one is going to entertain her nonsense, she may stop. And unfortunately, living in an age of social media as we do, sometimes stuff comes up that we may feel hurt about, oh i wasn’t invited to this or that, WHY? and so on.
Its just life, and how it is. I’ve been a bit hurt when i’ve seen events etc. that I wasn’t included in or invited to. But i kept it to myself, realizing there are reasons why that I’m not privy too, and I’m mature enough to know its not the end of the world
in general my rule is that I can’t get mad at someone for not inviting me to something if I don’t invite them to everything I do.
most likely she isn’t aware of how poorly she’s treated your friend. I’m guessing she built up her own narrative of their friendship or whatever you’d call it. Ignore her.
I think it’s in poor taste to comment negatively on an event because an invitation was not forthcoming. Sour grapes, as in Aesop’s old fable! You can delete her comments. That should get the point across. Taking someone’s comment down is usually reserved for political “discussions” that have gotten out of hand and outright abuse. Your “fringe friend” is way over the line and has doubtless cost herself a few additional invitations with her snarkfest. I am concerned, however, that you feel uncertain of how to handle it. If the uncertainty pertains to method, voila, plenty of good comments and the Admin’s advice are already posted. If the uncertainty pertains to feeling any whit of shame, regret or chagrin that she wasn’t invited and managed to create an unpleasant debacle, it might be worth the trouble to remind yourself and your friend that it’s a good thing she was NOT invited. After all, what a troublemaker she seems to be!
The level of immaturity required to post a snarky, PA public comment like that even ONCE is staggering. To post continually, days and days after the fact is a sign of a really nasty or even unbalanced person.
I’m almost embarrassed for her.
I can certainly understand why she wasn’t invited and wish there was an easy solution to preventing these types of things.
I was a part of a group dynamic at one point where small gatherings happened all the time – where somebody would text and say “hey I’m going to XYZ – care to join us.” So extremely casual gatherings – more of the hanging out variety. Except that didn’t always include my husband and I. Later on, at another gathering they would all discuss X,Y&Z and what they did and talk and laugh about it. Except that my husband and I couldn’t talk or laugh about it because we weren’t there. I would just wonder why we seemed not to be included and would get offended. Why didn’t anyone want to hang out with us? I would never say a word to anyone how I felt and then one day. . . I just stopped caring. We found other things to do than to worry about those people. Incidentally, I don’t think they were deliberately excluding us – it was just how it all worked out. If I ran into any one of them I would be friendly, but I’m not going to beg anybody to want my company. I also came to realize – they weren’t really “friends.” They were just acquaintances I sometimes hung out with.
I have a cousin who lives in Texas.
She’s 15 years older than me and we’ve probably only been in the same room with each other a handful of times.
She’s a lovely woman and has a fantastic family. We’re friends on Facebook. And I send them a Christmas card every year. But we’re not super close or anything. We have always lived in different states and just never had many opportunities to hang out.
Or so I thought.
Last year my dad called me and said “Hey, your cousin and her kids are in town. They are selling their condo in (city about 2 hours away) so this will probably be the last year they all come to visit. Can you make it to dinner tonight to say goodbye?”
At the dinner I found out that my cousin and her family had been visiting my dad and step mom at least twice a year when my cousin and her family spent time at their vacation condo for the last 7 years. No one ever mentioned it to me. No one ever suggested I join them when they got together. I had no idea this was a thing or that there had been an opportunity to hang out.
A couple weeks later I was having coffee with my dad and said “I was surprised to hear cousin and her family had been in town so often in the last few years. I’m sorry I didn’t know and missed to opportunity to spend time with her and get to know her husband and kids.”
My dad hemed and hawed and finally let me know that my cousin didn’t want me to know. She was concerned that my “unapologetic bisexuality” and the fact I’m “not a christian” would be a bad influence on her kids. And she didn’t want them to think my “lifestyle choices” or “lack of faith” were acceptable.
I have no idea why she thought either of those topics would come up if I joined them at the beach or took them to a local amusement park.
But it’s her family and she’s welcome to make her choices. At least she reached out for that last dinner she was in town so I got a chance to see her and her kids that one time.
I don’t know how “lovely” she can be if she so obviously excluded you on the basis cited here. The idea that kids are “contaminated” when they make contact with a worldview their parents do not subscribe to is laughable. It omits the basic but important detail that parents are responsible for showing their children how to interact with all kinds of people. I wouldn’t think they are actively excluding communists, the disabled, people who don’t want pets or children or those who hail from another country. So why pick on sexuality and faith? Does she have a similar litmus test for every other opinion before admitting someone to her home? I would think not. Kind of silly (and petty) if you ask me (which I realize that you did not, but it’s difficult to overlook the extent of her consonant dissonance here: “I’m a nice person of faith and my children will become contaminated if they encounter anyone who isn’t just exactly like me. Oh- and it’s okay to lie by omission (involving your own parents in the deception!) in order to avoid being called out on my shenanigans (err…prejudice).”
My cousin and I FUNDAMENTALLY disagree on a lot of things.
I would never start a conversation about religion or politics with her because it would only end in anger and hurt feelings.
But within the bounds of what she believes, she puts her money where her mouth is. She and her kids volunteer at a food bank every other week. She raises money for several charities. She and her family drove into flooded areas of Houston bringing supplies and driving rescued people from boats to local shelters. She honestly tries to live a good life and do good works for other people.
We’ll never see eye to eye on some things. I will always be baffled by what she chooses to believe and I’m sure she is just as baffled by what I choose to believe.
But I respect her for living the best life she can. I respect that she gives of her time, talents, and finances to help other people. She is a warm, thoughtful, caring, smart woman. She is lovely in many, many ways.
Am I hurt that she thinks my sexuality is both a choice and a danger? Of course I am.
Do I faceplam every time I see her post some pro-traditional marriage, anti gay marriage, meme on Facebook? Of course I do. It makes me think “You know you have LGBTQ family members. How can you believe this?”
But I know that she does believe it. And I know that nothing I say or do will change that.
I can completely disagree with her but still respect her.
It’s something we seem to have lost as a society.
The ability to agree to disagree and then live and let live.
I don’t even know you, but I’m bursting with pride for you. Your attitude is wonderful!
Your cousin is not lovely. She told your own father not to let you know they were using his vacation condo. Because being who you are is a “bad influence.” Can’t lose out on that vacation condo though!
And your father went along with it.
It was my cousin’s vacation condo.
It was just close enough to where my dad and step mom live that my cousin and her family would drop by whenever they used the condo.
So really, my cousin told my dad “Hey! My family and I are in town. Let’s hang out. But please don’t tell Lerah99. I don’t want her to know we’re here because I don’t want to hurt her feelings by not inviting her to come along.”
In other words, “You’re invited to my party, but don’t blab about it to other people who are not invited to the party.”
Also, just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to be friends.
It was sad, but not really rude. No rules of etiquette are broken by not inviting a cousin with whom you fundamentally disagree. The rudeness would have been if she had told you about it, “I’m having a party, and not inviting you, because I disagree with your beliefs and sexuality.”
Yes, sometimes the polite thing does hurt, too. Manners aren’t about stopping all pain in the world, after all.
Lerah99, I’d love it if you wrote in with this story, to get the admin’s take on it, if she doesn’t reply in the comments.
I’m going to agree with admin and everyone else. Ignore this woman. She’s only hurting herself.
In junior high, I was a painfully shy girl, with a tiny circle of close friends (2, in fact) and a larger circle of very casual friends, girl with whom I went to church, attended the same classes, or were in the same organizations as me. One day in the gym, as we waited for class to start again after lunch and were sitting in a big group on the bleachers, talking, one of the girls brought out a thick packet of photos and everyone started passing them around and remarking on them. Someone passed them on to me, so that’s how I discovered they were pictures of a huge sleepover party recently held for that girl’s birthday, and judging by the pictures, I was about the only one in my circle of friends who was left out of the party. I was speechless at first, because my mother had already taught me that rule long before, that you don’t talk about a party when a person in your presence was not or will not be invited. I finally managed to say something like, “Looks like fun!” in a bright, cheerful manner, and passed them on. The very last thing I would have done would have been to humiliate myself by being tearful or angry at not being invited. The next year, when this same girl had a big scavenger hunt birthday party, I was sent an invitation like everyone else. I doubt that would have happened if I had made snarky comments while looking at the photos.
Wow! Good for you, JD. Your junior high self had a lot more composure than I would have, and more than most kids that age. Decorum and aplomb props to you! 🙂
I have had this very thing happen to me. An acquaintance who is definitely not my friend was upset when my friends posted photos of a Ladies brunch that I hosted. I deleted her comments off photos that I was the owner of (some photos my friends had posted) and blocked her. It was the final nail in why she isn’t my friend, really. I would never assume friends need to invite me to ALL of their functions, let alone step-acquaintances who have a rocky history with the host/hostess.
This happened to me very recently. My best friend from high school got engaged last year and she texted me the day it happened. I was very excited for her. Over the course of the year I kept seeing pictures posted on social media of wedding/bridal parties and showers that I wasn’t invited to. At that point I was a little disappointed but didn’t worry about it too much. I received a “save the date” and then later the wedding invitation, and I was very excited about the wedding. Then after one weekend, pictures were posted of the bachelorette party. And as more pictures poured in I realized there were many people invited that I knew. I kept thinking, “surely I’m better friends with the bride”. I was incredibly hurt. My stomach still gets in knots thinking about it. The main reason was I realized how overtime I had let our friendship dwindle away. I felt like I had failed. I felt guilty. After we graduated from college and started our careers, life just got in the way. We have different interests now. A lot of the activities she does I don’t really enjoy, such as going out to bars at night. I have some health issues now and I just can’t keep up. Plus I’ve become heavily involved with dog sports and that takes up a lot of my time. We just went in different directions. I did talk to another friend who was in our little group in high school and who was invited, and she said it was probably an oversight as planning a wedding is a lot of work. And that was it. I put on a smile and went to the wedding a couple weeks later. There were no passive aggressive comments on social media, I never discussed my lack of invitation with the bride. I don’t see the point. We can’t go back in time and change things.
I wouldn’t respond at all. I wouldn’t even bother blocking her. She’s making herself look really bad. Anyone with any sense sees her immature comments and thinks, “Wow, no wonder she wasn’t invited.”
Either ignore her remarks, or tell the truth – “I didn’t invite you because I don’t like how you have behaved towards me.” That might be the best option because you can bet she’ll be doing the same thing once the wedding photos appear.
I’m of two minds about this.
Yes, the person making the snarky comments made a bad choice and should have just shut her mouth or dealt with it privately or vented to friends not in your friend group. The constant picking is not helping and blocking her from the account or the page is the right answer.
But I’m also a person who has had their nose absolutely rubbed into the fact that I wasn’t invited, and had it brought to everyone’s attention and by having my presence ignored by the group as a whole, and I can tell you it’s not fun, it can be very hurtful, and if you do this to a more confrontational person, it should not be unexpected that your discourtesy is returned to you even stronger.
This bothers me much less now than it did the one time I learned on the way to a wedding shower that I was literally the only one attending not invited to the wedding (not the bride’s fault, apparently all the friends/coworkers who were going thought I was, and I thought none of were because we were just coworkers). The whole situation was a comedy of cultural errors but as the butt of the cosmic joke, I was very hurt. A decade later, I don’t really care when I’m the only one at the lunch table or in the group who wasn’t invited to the wedding or event everyone is talking about, but it is very revealing about the character of the people involved.
This. Exactly. When you’re the one not invited, over and over again, it does hurt. I know from my own experience.
We are supposed to be adults not children so I sometimes think this rule is out dated. We have such big circles now that your not going to get invited to everything and will still find out. We have a couple of weddings happening at work, I work as a nurse on a ward with over 50 staff members on rotating rosters/in different fields it would be completely unfessable to invite every staff member one bride has invited a few staff members those she is close friends with and it does come up in social media feeds. The other doesn’t seem to have invited anyone (though has said if anyone wants to come to see her outdoor ceremony they are welcome to) but we have all had fun “planning her wedding” completely ridiculous suggestions such as wearing our purple aprons for bridesmaids dresses and to be completely honest the wedding is always bought up by someone else never the bride she is asked a questions and it devolves from there it’s a lot of fun and I’m sure something similar will happen after the wedding someone will ask how it was and the conversation will flow from that. I am not invited to either of these events and I am fine with that we are friendly colleges not friends.
When I do think this is rude and clueless if not mean spirited if a group of friends are discussing an event and only one or two people present were/are not Invited or if say one of the brides at my work invited everyone on the ward but one and then discussed it in front of that person that’s mean.
A few summers ago, not one but two of my coworkers were getting married (not to each others). It quickly became apparent that of the 8-12 ‘regulars’ at our lunch table (the table will hold 8, but we don’t always eat at the same time), I was the only one not invited to either wedding, and most people were invited to both, WITH their significant others.
I didn’t get upset (as I posted above, after the hell of the 100+ person wedding shower where, I was the only person not invited to the wedding, and I got to hear our mutual friends and strangers talk only about the wedding for four hours), but I was kind of amazed at how obliviously rude everyone was for weeks and weeks on end, discussing the weddings before, and long after each event. No one asked if I was going, and no one asked why I wasn’t there (which was a relief, at the shower from hell, my friends were encouraging me to ‘ask’ for an invite so I could split hotel costs with them), so I have to wonder how much social media has normalized outright public exclusion.
I had a “friend” who did something similar summer last year. We had been vague friends in high school, and once I graduated (I was two years ahead of her) we no longer spoke. Well, a few years after my said graduation, I had arranged a get together with some of my old high school friends, which did not include her. From what I understand, she is still good friends with some of the people who were involved in the group, and thus felt she should have been at the event (I don’t think she knew I was the one who had planned it.) She, like OP’s “friend”, began commenting snarky things on the few posted photos. By the fourth comment I was done with her. I simply replied back “Hi, so-in-so. I was the one who planned this event and invited people. I choose to invite the people who actually talk to me. Thanks.” Not sure if that was an appropriate response on my part (probably not) but I have very small tolerance for people who think they ought to be invited to events in which they have little to no relationship with the host. Either way, it shut her up real quick, and she even apologized for her attitude the next day.
When you post pictures, you can also control who sees them. Create a list from your friends of everyone you wish to show the picture to. Next to the “post” button, there’s a “public” option with a drop-down menu. You can choose things like “all friends, except;” “specific friends;” “only me;” or “custom (a potentially useful option if you wish to share absolute tons of photos of something, but know that only a small group want to see them and are self-conscious about annoying everyone else.)” I know this doesn’t address the specific situation, but it can help you from inadvertently causing offense in the future.
I post pictures of things I do and my life on social media. I don’t think I am rude. I just got back from an amazing trip overseas and I posted pictures of myself, my BFF, and/or amazing sights every day. I am sure there are people who were jealous of my vacation and even people who wish they had been invited along. But BFF and I travel together almost perfectly and we honestly don’t like usually adding a third person whose wants and needs and hotel room temperature preferences we have to try to mesh in with ours.
I’m not going to stop sharing my life with the people who are interested just because one or two people are jealous. Everyone on my social media is someone I like — some more than others — but I am not going to invite every single one of them to every single activity I do. And I may post pictures of those activities.
Of course there have been times I have seen friends post that they were doing something — tag themselves somewhere I would have like to have gone, or done dinner that I would have liked to have been invited to. But my thought process went a bit like this “Oh, that would have been fun. Bummer to have missed it. Anyway…oh look at Susie’s cute cat pic!” because — and this is pertinent, I feel — it’s not all about me. For what ever reason those friends chose to do that activity and not include me. Their reasons are none of my business and I can make a brat of myself about it or I can move on.
It’s very seldom rude to share the things that give you joy. To me, it is more rude to make a fool of yourself with passive aggressive posts that basically attempt to tarnish someone’s happy memories.
I went to a wedding shower of (what I thought was) a good girlfriend only to find out from other friends that I was not invited to the wedding.
When I called my friend and asked why I got a “weddings are SO expensive….we couldn’t invite everyone!!!”
I was very hurt and angry.
After the wedding she posted a few photos on Facebook with the caption “Does anyone know who the hell these people ARE!?! Lol!!!”
One friend who found herself in the same boat as I was replied “Well! You CERTAINLY know who the hell I am….and I want my gift BACK!!!”
Tacky? Probably. But I laughed out loud and wished i had the stones to post that.
I always thought the rule was that you don’t invite someone to the bridal shower if they’re not invited to the wedding. So, yes that was rude of her.
The comment about not knowing who her guests are was really tacky, too. Your friend’s response was not polite, but I don’t blame her, after being ill-used.
An invitation to a bridal shower leads one to expect an invitation to the wedding, because that has been the rule for so long.
I had assumed I was invited to the wedding until I ran into the MOH one day out shopping.
She said “Well, I gotta go now but I will see you at the bachlorette party Friday night!!!”
Huh? What?!?
That’s when I found out I didn’t get an invite for anything other than the wedding shower.
I was hurt and very angry….as were several other “friends” who were treated the same.
Even before social media, people could have framed-photos of their (or their friend/relative’s) wedding, complete with all the guests. While it is tacky to discuss parties in the presence of someone not invited, it is also bad to be hurt that you were not invited to a party. Snarky-acquaintance’s comments is her own problem not other’s.
As someone who suffers from depression, social anxiety, and chronic back pain, I rarely get out except for work and church. I am guessing since I don’t get out much, I just don’t get invited to a lot of things. It really hurts to see pictures or to hear about events that my coworkers and fellow church members do together without inviting me. And I do find it hard not to make passive-aggressive comments when I find out.
Dana, I’m so sorry this has been your experience. I have an old school chum whom I have invited to many things over the years, but, after enough no-shows on her part, my feelings were hurt, and I stopped asking her. I know she suffers from some anxiety, and your post makes me wonder if she just didn’t come because she thought she couldn’t bear it. After reading your post, I wish I had just asked her years ago, when we were alone, if that were the case.
Days before media. Small town. Friend from high school from a large family (twelve! and she was near the bottom) had an older sister getting married. I was a few years older but had been in classes with her… and she played piano magnificently and was going to be playing the organ for this wedding. She gave invites for coming (open wedding) to listen to her play.
I decided to go, and got a nice gift, dressed nice, and sat in the back on the bride’s side. Church was huge and the family and such took up maybe the front half, I sat a few rows farther back. She did play exceptionally. The bride looked lovely, it all went well. I slipped out at the end and didn’t go near the reception as I definitely hadn’t been invited to that, and truthfully the only one I really knew was the organist.
Apparently after her sister asked friend who this person was, was told, and sent me a nice simple thank you card. That’s why she got a gift from this person she didn’t know. Apparently I wasn’t the only one that showed to hear friend play but I was the only one who thought it proper to give a gift. I figured I was witnessing their wedding so I owed one. That was close to forty years ago. Is that a faux pas? Multiple ones?