And You Thought Your Momster-In-Law Was Bad

by admin on November 9, 2017

So fiance’s parents finally accepted that I was not pregnant, and as soon as his mom realized this…well she wasn’t okay with her baby boy getting married anymore. So she worked on him and he’s no longer my fiance…or boyfriend…or anything really.

Funnily while insisting that I was not with child, I got with child. I skimmed over the antibiotics label and completely missed the ‘messes with birth control’ thing. My bad…I’m about 8 weeks now.

Anyways, after I found out I texted my ex and told him and that I wanted us to talk about things and please don’t say anything yet because I want to figure out what I want before including parents. So of course, being a momma’s boy he goes and tells her and now she wants us together and getting married again. I said, no, that I’m not dating anyone who is so co-dependent on their mother ever again.

So now everything is a big mess and they try to include me and actually pay attention to my dietary needs now that it could hurt her baaaby. (She says it really long “MY BAAABY”.) They tried to call dibs on me for Thanksgiving and Christmas for the next twenty years and his mom keeps coming over to my new apartment unannounced and wants to be in the delivery room, and, oh, by the way, don’t I know breastfeeding is tacky! Besides if I bottle feed, she can give me all of motherhood off.

Now I’m an introvert and don’t talk much in social settings but when she came to the family meeting I called (didn’t want my parents finding out from someone else) and she was going on and on about HER child, I flipped out. I might’ve crossed the line a bit, but seriously!? This is the woman who tells stories of my ex getting drunk at age 8 because she didn’t put her glass out of reach or her younger kid playing in the litter box like they are funny!

In short…my life is a bad TV sitcom now. 0914-14

Please tell me you didn’t tell this woman where you are having the baby or announced the beginning of labor on social media and she just showed up at the birthing center.

{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }

Aleko November 9, 2017 at 5:46 am

I don’t know that this is an etiquette issue at all really. But if the behaviour of the baby’s father has conclusively dissuaded you from marrying him, you have no familial or social obligations whatsoever toward his family. Even if you oblige him to pay maintenance. As he hasn’t committed any crime or done you any deliberate wrong – just turned out not to be someone you want to hitch your life to – you owe it to him (and to the child) to allow him to see the child and have some presence in his/her life: he is the father, after all.

But you owe nothing at all to the mother whose hold over him trashed the situation in the first place, and that would be true even if she weren’t making blatantly obvious that she considers she owns the baby as much as she owns her son. Actually, be grateful she is making your course of action so clear. Don’t have anything to do with her, don’t let her in your apartment (whether announced or not) and don’t let her get anywhere near ‘her baaaby’. As for your dietary needs – why are you eating under her roof anyway?

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Dee November 9, 2017 at 4:02 pm

OP doesn’t oblige the father to pay maintenance. The father is obliged simply by being the father. The baby is deserving of that maintenance, whether the OP pushes for it or not. Hopefully the OP recognizes her own obligation to her child by pursuing maintenance.

I don’t understand why OP is trying to have a relationship with these very ugly people. It is in the child’s interest for both parents to try to have a civil relationship but OP has no obligation to contend with her ex’s family. She doesn’t have to have any communication with them at all. If the ex wants to have a relationship with his child he is free to include his family in that time he spends with his child.

OP, if you really don’t want this drama in your life then deal directly with your ex only. If you choose to include these very dysfunctional people as well then you are choosing the drama, and then you can’t complain when it arises. Which it will. I don’t think your child will thank you for allowing it to permeate into his/her home life.

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pennywit November 10, 2017 at 10:26 am

OP needs to draw a line in the sand with these people. And if they don’t respect the line in the sand, draw the line in the sand with lawyers.

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Lou November 9, 2017 at 6:21 am

Oh my goodness! I thought my MIL was bad!

She went around telling everyone she knew, all of my husband’s family that if anything happened to my husband or me then she would be getting custody of our son. After we’d already named our extremely close friend as our son’s guardian if anything happened to us.

She would parade him around as if he was her baby, insisting we take him places, insisting on letting HER take him places, including on dates with her boyfriend. She treated us as if we were completely irresponsible and unable to look after a child. The best thing we ever did was move 8 hours away to another state, we haven’t seen her for almost 2 years. The last time she was here she almost let our son run on the road because she didn’t hold his hand.

Good on you OP for putting your foot down! People like your MIL are absolutely ridiculous.

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Susan. Haverland November 9, 2017 at 7:03 am

Wow. . Get a polite backbone . Glad you are interested in bring a Grandma . But this is my baby and I certainly won’t give up mommy hood . You are mistaken about nursing it is healthier for the baby . Let me print out some articles for you . Change your lock . Really set boundaries. Be careful with letting her babysit. Could you say , gosh when you were a young mom I am sure you wanted to be the mom . Have a good day

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Mustard November 9, 2017 at 7:33 am

Oh… just oh. What a dreadful woman.

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TracyX November 9, 2017 at 7:45 am

Lets all say it together now: NO.

You’ve stood up and kicked the boyfriend to the curb, do the same with his mother. If she shows up at your apartment don’t let her in. Don’t even answer the door. Don’t go to her house.

Polish that spine and be strong! Not just for you, but for your baby.

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Anonymous November 9, 2017 at 7:47 am

I’m not a lawyer, but it just doesn’t seem right that this guy could be with the OP, allow his mother to manipulate him into breaking up with the OP, and then expect the OP to take him back, just because he suddenly wants to be involved again (because his mother wants to be involved again) now that the OP is pregnant. I’d call a lawyer to figure things out–OP understandably doesn’t want to be with Ex, but Ex is still the father of the baby, so all of that should probably get figured out before the baby is born–although, my guess is that Ex isn’t mature enough to be a father, so he might see the plans written out (since keeping up with regular visitations and child support payments requires a certain level of commitment), and decide he doesn’t want to be involved after all. If that’s the case, then I think the OP could cut ties until the baby gets old enough to ask about his or her father. It’s not ideal, but it’d probably be better than growing up as a pawn in an ongoing vendetta between OP and Ex (complete with MIL pulling Ex’s puppet strings), or just, in general, having a father who isn’t up to the job.

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InTheEther November 9, 2017 at 9:13 pm

My suggestion was along the same lines.

I think what you want is a Child Advicosy lawyer. Basically, they’re not your lawyer or your ex’s lawyer, they’re the kid’s lawyer. They’re usually court appointed though, so you probably need to start with a family lawyer. Instead of trying to share the baby reasonably, since you know the ex’s family can’t be reasonable, get a custody and visitation agreement written up. Have the lawyer on hand to act as a moderator and make sure it’s filed and everything. And if the other party don’t want to go along with this, then legally you don’t have to give them any visitation. They could always try to sue you, but having refused to go along with a reasonable visitation agreement will put them in a really poor position.

Also, if you are really worried about your wanna-be MIL, I’d start documenting as much as possible. If she really is trying to cut you out of your baby’s life that child advicosy lawyer I mentioned could hit her with an Alianation of Affection suite and it could be court ordered that grandma never sees the kid without your explicit permission and/or attendance. This is contingent on a lot of factors so there’s no guarantee, but it’s best to cover yourself as much as possible. Considering the ex does whatever mummy says, I’d be worried about his visitation consisting of just handing the kid to grandma.

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AS November 9, 2017 at 7:53 am

Good that you don’t want to date an ultra-momma’s-boy. Hope he’ll grow a spine, though I’d not hold my breath for that to happen.
Also hire a good lawyer who can make sure that you get all the rights to the baby as well as child support, unless you are planning to give up the baby to the crazy Mom-senior!

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Lanes November 9, 2017 at 8:26 am

Breastfeeding is tacky? I think the mammals of the world missed that memo (she writes, as she breastfeeds her baby, ha).

As this is an etiquette site, I’m curious to know what you did/said that was “over the line”…?

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Lolkay November 9, 2017 at 9:40 am

Cut her off. And try to set up a decent arrangement with ex over custody/etc., if possible, but have a mediator/family lawyer be aware of whats going on. Your former Monster-In-Law is clearly unhinged.

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Harry November 9, 2017 at 11:35 am

Well, like it or not, you are now linked to this ex fiancée/mother/family for many years to come. Best to figure out now a strategy in dealing with them.

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Redblues November 9, 2017 at 11:39 am

This is why I do not have children. People think they own pregnant women.
Set up ground rules *now*, and do not back down. You dodged a bullet when you decided not to date him again.

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Wanda888 November 9, 2017 at 12:01 pm

I just want to put this out there… OP, if you don’t want to raise this baby, there are many options, and you don’t need your ex’s mom’s permission to pursue them.

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Miss B November 9, 2017 at 4:23 pm

but you do need your ex’s permission.

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Kat November 9, 2017 at 7:05 pm

Oklahoma is the only state I’m aware of that is considering a law to require the father’s consent for an abortion. I’m not sure that it has even made it out of committee. Spousal consent laws have been ruled unconstitutional by the US Supreme Court, so even if Oklahoma’s law passed, it probably wouldn’t last long.

So no, in the US, it’s unlikely she needs her ex’s permission. The countries that do require it are in the Middle East and Asia.

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Asharah November 11, 2017 at 8:07 pm

But she does need ex’s permission to put the baby up for adoption

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lakey November 9, 2017 at 11:50 pm

I didn’t see anything in OP’s post to indicate that she didn’t want the baby. Also, Wanda888 said that there are “many options”, at least one of which, adoption, would require the father’s consent.

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Michelle November 9, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Run. Far, far away. Or direct but. My cousin got involved with a momma’s boy and it was nightmare. When they were dating, they took a cruise and several weeks later she found out she was pregnant. He asked his father what he should do, his father said “cut her loose, deny it’s yours, make her take a DNA test if she wants child support”. Seriously. When his mom found out, she went literally baby crazy. Everything was “my baby, my sweetie”. Cousin & man were not married, so she moved home to stay with her parents during her pregnancy. Momster kept wanting her to move back and promised her everything under the moon. Long story short, 2 days after she delivered the baby, Momster sent her baby boy to collect my cousin and her “grandbaaaby”. He proposed at the hospital. Cousin accepted. Next day, (3 days after delivery) they moved cousin & baby back to the home state of Momster & momma’s boy. Immediately, Momster swooped in and it was a non-stop 5 years of her trying to control everything, momma’s boy running to her every time he needed petting and telling her everything about their life. Cousin finally cut and left. Momster still tries to control things, but it’s a lot harder to intrude from 600 miles away.

P.S. The site seems a bit wonky today. Keeps moving the page down when I was trying to read the post and really slow when I was typing my comment. Anyone else have trouble?

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Michelle November 9, 2017 at 3:12 pm

OMG- that should read “Or direct cut”.

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Celestia November 9, 2017 at 7:26 pm

re: PS, in my case its’ because an ad begins to autoplay and forces the page to stay where the ad is =/ I’ve had to take breaks from the site because of them before, impossible to read when it’s happening.

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NostalgicGal November 9, 2017 at 12:23 pm

This is so ungodly ugly that I hope that this is a trolling. Honestly.

Give it up for adoption and sneak out of state to do so. Seal the records and run.
This is so bad, so so bad.

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NostalgicGal November 9, 2017 at 12:25 pm

This also sounds a lot like the plot from Kindergarden Cop. It really does.

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Miss B November 9, 2017 at 4:23 pm

Just about guaranteeing the biological dad will get custody when he finds out. Not to mention breaking the hearts of the couple who adopts.

Dad knows he is the father, so it’s too late for all that.

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NostalgicGal November 9, 2017 at 10:02 pm

The submission date is three years ago so this already played out. Wondering if the OP is still around and would give us an update or she went underground with the child or if Momster has her grandbaby and OP ran… (which would be very sad)

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lakey November 10, 2017 at 12:16 am

Extremely bad idea. This victimizes the baby and the adopting parents who can end up in a long, drawn out, very expensive legal battle with the father for custody of the child.

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lakey November 9, 2017 at 12:40 pm

As far as her showing up at your family meeting with your own parents, how did she know when and where it was? If she showed up uninvited at your door, why did you answer the door? She appears to be incredibly obnoxious and pushy, so control the communication and the contact. You decide how much contact she will have with yourself and your baby. Once the baby is born and you work out issues with the father, she can see the baby through him, and she will have no reason to deal with you.

Honestly, if you aren’t intending to marry the baby’s father, why does she think you would have Christmas and Thanksgiving with her? You don’t have to answer the phone when she calls. If you think you might be able to work out a relationship with the baby’s father you could get him into couple’s counseling.

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Leela November 9, 2017 at 2:10 pm

I don’t know if this will be approved because I’m sure it will come off as a scold to some but- I was prescribed birth control pills by at least 3 different doctors over decades. Each one, during the appointment during which they were prescribed, verbally discussed that antibiotics interfere with hormonal birth control to the point of it not being reliable again until a full cycle after the antibiotics have been stopped. I cannot fathom that this is just a case of not reading instructions (and also the antibiotic warning is on the instructions for the birth control).

It is very dismaying that a lot of people take something so serious, so lightly.You’re also supposed to take the pill at the same time of day every day but so many people don’t take it right, miss a few days and claim they got pregnant while on the pill as if lightning just came out of a clear sky and struck them.

I feel like you auditioned for your sitcom life.

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Gumbyjune November 9, 2017 at 3:13 pm

That is not helpful at all now.

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Anonymous November 9, 2017 at 11:05 pm

Well, Leela’s advice may not be helpful for THIS time, but it might prevent the OP from accidentally getting pregnant again. The comment about “auditioning for sitcom life” was a bit much, but the part about how to use the Pill properly, could be useful. I actually didn’t know myself, so I’ll remember that for if I ever go on the Pill.

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Kirsten November 9, 2017 at 3:23 pm

It’s only the mini-pill that has to be taken at the same time every day. It’s not an issue for the combined pill.

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Lerah99 November 9, 2017 at 4:48 pm

On the other hand, doctor’s prescribing antibiotics who have the patient’s medical file right in their hands often don’t take 30 seconds to say “By the way, this antibiotic will negate your birth control.
Make sure to use a different method for the next X number of days.”

I was lucky that in high school I had a relative who told me that antibiotics would negate my birth control. To this day I’ve never had a doctor or pharmacist bother to mention it unless I specifically asked.

Also, St. John’s wort was very popular for depression for a while. People bought it over the counter. And none of those bottles mention it makes oral birth control less effective.

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SS November 9, 2017 at 6:30 pm

And it was years before I found out that grapefruit juice also interferes with bc pills.

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Melissa November 10, 2017 at 1:25 am

Every time I have gone on antibiotics I have had this warning from both the doctor and the pharmacist. It comes up as a warning on their screen

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Lerah99 November 10, 2017 at 8:29 am

@Melissa, That is how it should be.

But I was on oral birth control from 1995-2008 and NEVER had a doctor or pharmacist mention antibiotics making it much less effective unless I asked about it first.

So from the ages of 15-28, if my aunt hadn’t mentioned it in passing one day when I was still in high school, I could have thought I was being responsible while actually not being protected from unwanted pregnancy.

And it’s not like that was back in the dark ages or those professionals didn’t know.
They just didn’t care enough to take an extra 30 seconds to make sure their patient had information with life changing consequences.

There is an intersection of issues when poor women seek medical help.
1) Our society treats poor people like being poor is a moral failing.
2) Doctors often don’t listen to women, disregard women’s symptoms as being “psychological” instead of physiological, assume women are being overly dramatic when describing pain, and brush women off as being “attention seeking” if they bring up an issue multiple times.

And it is especially insidious in the way medical professions treat poor women when it comes to birth control.

Young, poor, single mothers are scoffed at, told they are at fault for their own and their child’s poverty. But young, poor women are not given the same treatment or information as middle class or wealthy young women because medical professionals treat poor people with the same contempt society treats poor people.

So to act like all young women on oral birth control are properly counseled by their doctors or pharmacists completely misses how many women get treated by the medical establishment.

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Jessi November 19, 2017 at 10:38 pm

When I was about 18 a pharmacist awkwardly pulled me aside to check that I knew that the antibiotics prescribed would interfere with my pill…..

I think its easy to forget when you have been on the pill for 10 years

Dyan November 9, 2017 at 5:08 pm

Leela I agree with you…

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JAN November 9, 2017 at 7:28 pm

There is still a failure rate to “perfect use” of oral contraceptives.

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mark November 9, 2017 at 3:40 pm

Assuming this story is real, I really feel bad for that poor unborn child. Everyone else sounds varying degrees of awful.

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Barensmom November 9, 2017 at 3:49 pm

I know this is controversial, but if you don’t want to live under siege from this woman for the next 20+ years, get an abortion or put the baby up for adoption. With an abortion, you can cut ties and walk away. FAdoption at least will give the child two loving and (hopefully) prepared parents, instead of a single woman having to defend herself and her baby from a spineless jerk and his smother.

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admin November 9, 2017 at 5:23 pm

Controversial alright. Condemn the innocent baby to death because grandma is a jerk.

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Vrinda November 10, 2017 at 2:57 pm

It’s not controversial at all. I knew you were going to voice your dissent, but people have different views on abortion. Barensmom differs from yours, but there is no need to be so critical of her over it.

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LadyV November 9, 2017 at 5:50 pm

Nowhere in the original post does it indicate that the OP doesn’t want to raise the baby – just that she doesn’t want to have to deal with her ex’s obnoxious mother. In addition, since the ex knows he’s the father, he would be able to challenge the adoption – or, even worse, have it overturned down the road, with all the horrible effects that would have on the child. Since she apparently plans to keep the baby, OP needs to set up boundaries NOW.

Side note: just noticed this was an old submission. I would really, REALLY love to see an update on this one. Hopefully OP isn’t in jail for murdering her ex’s mother.

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EchoGirl November 10, 2017 at 1:29 am

Based on the submission date, it’s all a pointless debate anyway…one way or another, the pregnancy is long over by now.

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Annie November 9, 2017 at 9:03 pm

Umm, wow. OP has given absolutely no indication that she doesn’t want the baby. Thus, regardless of your opinion on abortion, it’s pretty rude to suggest it.

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ALM November 9, 2017 at 9:51 pm

The OP asked Momma’s Boy not to tell his mother until she decided what to do. This could well include abortion.

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Wanda888 November 11, 2017 at 10:07 pm

She didn’t give any indication that she wanted it, either.

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David November 9, 2017 at 4:05 pm

First, I hope that your pregnancy went smoothly

Second, I hope that you have moved far away from his mother and did not take momma’s boy back.

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Just4Kicks November 9, 2017 at 6:53 pm

I had a very good male friend whose mom abandoned him and his brother when they were very young. There were some mental issues at play with the mom as well.
My friend and his dad were very close, and my very seldom mentioned his mother.
Fast forward to my friend getting married and expecting his first child, and first grandchild.
In a show of happiness, my friend agreed to let his mom in on the happy news (she was not invited to the wedding, everyone was afraid she would pull some sort of stunt).
The day the baby is born, my friend calls his mom to say the baby is here, we will contact you when we get settled so you can come meet her.
Of course, his mom shows up at the hospital ( no one has any idea HOW she found out which hospital) , walks into the room and GRABS THE BABY away from my friends wife!!!
No Hello, Congratulations, May I please hold the baby…..nothing.
My friend and his wife were furious and kicked her out….literally kicking and screaming until a nurse called security.

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NostalgicGal November 9, 2017 at 10:05 pm

Hope they were able to continue to keep her away after that….

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Just4Kicks November 10, 2017 at 2:50 am

To the best of my knowledge they were, although it took a threat of a restraining order to do so.
She was a real nutter.

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staceyizme November 9, 2017 at 8:46 pm

It really doesn’t matter what she said or what she wants except insofar as the baby’s father is likely to include her in raising this child during whatever visitation or custody arrangement is mandated. She might not be as easily disposed of in those circumstances as she would be in a traditional marriage because her son is likely to still be joined to her at the hip and unlikely to set or enforce a reasonable boundary. So- when you have custody, it’s all you. When he has custody, you won’t have much of a say. For that reason, it seems likely that there is far, far more drama ahead than you have even contemplated to date. She is likely to push him to go for as much in the way of visitation or joint custody as possible because she will then have access to the little guy. Not a pleasant prospect.

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Nicole November 10, 2017 at 1:53 am

Unfortunately, this sounds like the most likely result.
If the father is involved with the child’s life, then *his* mother is going to be to. Unless the OP can somehow manage to stipulate in the custody agreements that the child is NEVER to be left alone with the grandmother, she has very limited control over this woman’s access to the baby. And it sounds like the grandmother will do what she can to get to the kid.

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Claire November 9, 2017 at 9:20 pm

You saw all the red flags and got out… but you went back for more. Well not just a bit more, for a lifetime of more. /facepalm

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Another Melissa November 10, 2017 at 3:21 pm

Well, to be fair, she discovered she was pregnant after they’d broken up, but she had gotten pregnant while they were engaged, so for lack of a better phrase, the damage had been done by the time she got out. (I hate to use that phrase, because I believe children are blessings and not damage, even in circumstances like these!)

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Claire November 12, 2017 at 9:51 pm

She knew the second she talked to Momma’s Boy he would tell Momma. If she didn’t want Momma to know all and everything, and treat her like a surrogate, she shouldn’t have told Momma’s Boy a thing.

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ALM November 9, 2017 at 9:58 pm

Telling Momma’s Boy was a mistake if you thought it wasn’t getting back to Momma. This should be obvious.

Frankly, I’d recommend abortion. If you have this child, you will be tied to these dysfunctional people for the rest of your life, and your child will be tied to them for their entire life. Have children when you are ready, and with people who are able to raise them well, and you can give them a life and upbringing they deserve.

Life doesn’t begin at conception, it begins well before it, with the choices an circumstances that determine when, how and with whom we have children. So much of a person’s life is dictated by their parent’s resources that it becomes immoral for society to pressure women to have any and every possible child regardless of the circumstances that child will have to grow up in. Sometimes choosing not to be a parent is the only reasonable or humane choice.

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janelliefish November 10, 2017 at 12:24 am

Holy cow. Please please please, let the hospital where you deliver that she is NOT allowed to be there. Hospital security can totally do this for you. You have the right to choose who is there when you deliver, and if you don’t want her there, let the hospital staff know. They’ll take care of you.

I think I’ve been reading the JUSTNOMIL subreddit too much because this is just par for the course for some of the MILs there.

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Anon November 10, 2017 at 10:55 am

Why do you allow her in your apartment? If she has a key, why did you allow her to have a key? This is not the type of person you want for emergencies.

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Just4Kicks November 10, 2017 at 5:03 pm

My late MIL stopped sauntering in our home unannounced one afternoon, when our first baby was down for a nap and both my husband and I were in the shower.
She called after that.
And, my husband is the one who gave her the key….not me!

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Claire November 12, 2017 at 9:52 pm

Your husband is a bit of a dunce.

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Just4Kicks November 16, 2017 at 5:53 am

Yes, he is, I wasn’t happy about her having a key, but the shower sex did the trick.

Of course, she acted supremely offended until I said “YOU walked into OUR home UNINVITED!” “Shall I call you before my husband and I have relations next time?!?”

THAT comment got me nothing but the silent treatment from my husband for a day or
two for “being rude” to his dear mother.

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Jo-Anna Bleakley November 16, 2017 at 7:29 pm

My MIL stopped walking into our house randomly (no one locks their doors here. I’m not even sure where our house keys ARE) after I walked out from a shower stark naked. This was back when I had a bod a stripper would be proud of (sadly no longer, lol) and a lot of self confidence. I just made direct eye contact and asked if there was something in particular she wanted? She started phoning before she came after that….

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Just4Kicks November 10, 2017 at 6:03 pm

PS: for any Sex and the City fans, my MIL pulled a “Bunny MacDougal ” 🙂

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Lady Phoenix November 14, 2017 at 11:17 am

This advice is pointless now since the letter was actually old.

But in the events you have another child or for someone in a situation like this:
1. Ask yourself if you want you and the child to deal with all this chaos
2. If you feel like not raising the child, then go to abortion. At early stages, what you have is not a child but a mass of cells.
3. If you are against abortion, look into adoption proceedings early. That way ypu can decide if this would be good for the child — especially if the child has a risk of health issues or other debilitating factors
4. If you do intend to raise the child, lawyer up and draw some firm lines. This might have to include restraining orders, supervised custody, no custody, etc.
5. Ignore the father’s mother (she is NOT a mother in law so stop calling her that)

And in the case of sex, review all directions and notes and include a back up (condom, blan B, no sex).

I won’t blame you for having this kid. I will only inform you of further precautions in the future.

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