Just Say “No, Thank You”

by admin on November 13, 2017

I’m writing mostly for help. I have a horrible track record of ending up in ehell where showers are concerned and I’m worried I’ll end up with yet another one. I’m hoping maybe you can help me protect myself. I may be worrying over nothing however. I’m pregnant with my second child. I’m mostly afraid a friend of mine will decide to throw me a shower and I’ll be unable to get out of it. She had a Gender Reveal/Sprinkle for her own second child. And if she offers I’m not sure how to decline without telling her I believe showers for 2nd children in most cases are tacky. But I can’t tell her that since she had a shower for her 2nd child in a manner I found extra tacky, and it would be rude to let on I felt that way.

If it helps here’s my past shower offenses. Please feel free to edit as needed or even leave out entirely. For our Wedding, my husband and I had to move the date up by about 6 months suddenly because of the economy. As such I had about 2 months to plan/replan the wedding. I chopped my guest list and switched to the chapel at our church (instead of the larger sanctuary), so that I could get a room at a nice restaurant for the reception instead of trying to find a caterer and a hall. Well, our church women’s group always held showers for brides and 1st time mothers-to-be. When the lady in charge of Women’s ministries contacted me about the shower I told her I wasn’t going to have one since I didn’t have the time and could not invite the whole church like most of the couple from the church did when they got married. (This is generally an insert in the bulletin saying anyone in the church is welcome to attend the wedding at date and time, not full formal invitations to each member.) Well she insisted they had to have a shower for me since it’ll cause problems in the church if they start having them for some people and not others. Well, I didn’t feel right about causing problems for her by refusing so I let her have it. So the big faux pas was having a shower where the vast majority of the guests were not invited to the wedding.

For my first baby I had two showers, which is a bit tacky in and of itself, but the only overlap of people was myself, my mom, and my sister-in-law, so not too awful. The first one was a family/friends shower. My aunt, and cousin planned it with some help from my mom. I know family is not supposed to plan showers, but they didn’t ask me if they could. They called me up one day with a theme picked out, decorations already bought, and some progress on the games and food to pin down a date that worked for me. This was the first I’d heard of it. My aunt and cousin are both pretty strapped for money and I didn’t know how to tell them that it was rude for them to host the shower and all their work and money spent was for nothing, so I went along with it. Doubly so because this aunt was a huge help while I was crash planning the wedding. She called and set up appointments for me with florists, restaurants, and cake places while I was at work. (She was basically housebound on disability at the time) They are both people who just love to do for others and are not generally people I would consider presumptuous or controlling. I certainly didn’t feel any need to nip anything in the bud. 3 years later, I can say I was right about that.

The church shower, they asked my parents small group to plan for me. So the only real faux pas was my mother was again in the thick of the planning. Again it was half planned before anyone said anything to me about it. I’d say it was less of a faux pas in this case since as I stated before the church had showers for ALL first time moms anyway.

The church isn’t a concern this time around since A. they only do stuff for first time moms and B. We no longer go there. Our current church doesn’t do anything for moms, there are much too many of them. My family/friends shower was rather early (the Saturday before Thanksgiving) because I was due February 5th, but at high risk for pre-term labor and my aunt wanted it before her surgery scheduled on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Also we wanted to avoid Christmas craziness. None of my friends offered to or hinted they were planning a shower last time, but with the early shower I’m afraid they just got beat to the punch. Hopefully, I’m worried over nothing. But I really don’t want to get caught unprepared again. 1127-13

It is possible to get out of attending a baby shower in your honor without explaining to anyone that you consider second and more showers to be an etiquette faux.  When asked for a date that would be convenient for you be in attendance at a shower, sigh and say, “It looks like my calendar is full .”    That won’t prevent a surprise shower and to be honest, you shouldn’t expect one.   But if it happens, be gracious.  A good friend surprised me with a baby shower for my second child. I had no idea and was totally caught off guard when I opened the door to her home and met a dozen women yelling “Surprise!”  You go with the flow and behave kindly.

{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

Zhaleh November 13, 2017 at 4:27 am

It sounds like OP didn’t want or enjoy any of her showers, or other peoples showers.
Maybe she should make a point to say in front of potential shower throwers that she is tired of attending them and isn’t interested in being the GOH at anymore. Just decline all of it going forward.
As for someone else’s thing being called “tacky” is this what we’re doing now?Saying someone is being tacky by having a second baby shower?
If you find it distasteful then decline and leave the judgment to horrible people.
Calling people’s actions tacky is a tacky thing to do.

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Melissa November 16, 2017 at 9:02 am

I don’t think privately calling something tacky is rude. In a lot of cases, it is, in fact, tacky to have a baby shower for a 2nd child. And OP states that in her friend’s case, it was done in a manner she found “extra tacky”, so maybe MTB was really overboard and gimme-pigish, we don’t know. If she had told her friend that she thought she was tacky, then that’s rude, but she specifically was trying to find a way to share her distaste for having a shower without letting on that she thought her friend was tacky.

Calling someone tacky privately is hardly being judgmental and not at all saying the tacky person is horrible. I know plenty of lovely people who have done tacky things. (I’m sure that includes me lol)

Also, do I need to point out the irony in judging those who you say are judging others?? “Calling people’s actions tacky is a tacky thing to do.”

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Zhaleh November 16, 2017 at 1:13 pm

The irony was, I thought obviously, intended.

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Lkb November 13, 2017 at 7:41 am

I agree with our admin: Go graciously with the flow. You’re not asking for a shower or hinting for one. People who care for you are showing their love as best they can. Accept it for what it is.

If someone does ask, you can also say, “Thanks, but people were so generous the first time around, we don’t need anything.”

Personally, I find shower etiquette varies by region. I know family is not supposed to host them but here (Detroit, MI), I have yet to see one that isn’t (or at least, “hosted by the bridesmaids,” with at least one of the bridesmaids being a sister). Just roll with it, I suppose.

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Pat November 20, 2017 at 10:54 am

I’m from the same area, and I agree that showers hosted by family are not considered rude. Personally, I think they’re fine and I like gift registries too. If the tone of the shower is come and celebrate Guest of Honor’s special event and give her a hand-up however you can for new baby or setting up a household etc, it’s fine with me. If the tone is gimme gimme what I demand, that’s rude.

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Deb November 13, 2017 at 8:44 am

I’m not sure how you end up in e-hell because of the actions of others. You listed examples of what you perceive as *your* offenses when any possible faux pas was by others and out of your control.

That said, I don’t think there were any mishaps done on your behalf.

The church has a tradition of hosting a bridal shower. I don’t think there is an expectation of everyone who is invited to the shower to be invited to the wedding.

Aunts and cousins are allowed to host baby showers. The rule is “close family” (i.e. mothers/fathers and sisters/brothers/sisters-in-law) shouldn’t. In most cases, a close family member is included in the planning simply due to a more intimate knowledge of the honoree and her preferences as well as contact information of the invitees. Many times, the honoree herself provides the information.

Etiquette is primarily about being gracious. Don’t get so stuck on rules you think you know that you forget that.

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Labelle November 22, 2017 at 9:26 am

I don’t have the heart or the energy to tell my aunt she shouldn’t plan my cousin’s baby shower (she isn’t even pregnant yet, just openly trying. I’m surprised no save the date cards have been sent just in case) She stuck her hand in for the bridal as well.

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PJ November 13, 2017 at 10:29 am

I think you’re beating yourself up a lot over nothing, honestly.

It is extremely common these days to have more than one shower thrown by different social circles– family (where someone like a cousin or aunt throws the party), friends, work, church, etc. And many churches have a longstanding tradition of giving showers for their members even when members aren’t all invited to the wedding. As for the general invitation to the members: in some churches, this is always the case whether the happy couple prints such an announcement in the church bulletin or not; all ceremonies are open to anyone wishing to attend. (this is the case in most churches I’m familiar with, and I can’t recall a time– or even heard secondhand of a time that openness was ever abused).

It seems to me that the rules of etiquette do change (rules around clothing and relationships are definitely not what they were a while back!) and while throwing a shower for yourself, or for a second baby will still raise an eyebrow, the situation OP is in is not so horrible. Just a simple “I’d really rather not; I’m already happy and comfortable with the one shower!” should be enough.

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pyes November 16, 2017 at 11:37 am

This. None of what the OP listed as offenses are actually offenses.

Two showers with different groups except really close family is very much approved. In my social set, it’s actually prefered over having massively large showers that drag on for hours as all the gifts are opened.

Shower thrown by the church is very common and in most cases, the church members are not expecting an invitation to the reception. Our church has 1000 members, believe me not all members are invited to any wedding. It’s sort of like work showers. Some co-workers will participate even if they are not invited to the wedding.

It is perfectly acceptable for aunts and cousin’s to host showers.

Mom’s involvement in planning (not hosting) is perfectly acceptable and even expected many times.

And I agree that a “Oh, thanks so much but everyone has been so generous, I really wasn’t planning on a sprinkle.”

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Dee November 13, 2017 at 11:53 am

OP, you are far, far too involved with your own showers. Stay out of the planning of them and then there’s no faux pas attributable to you. I don’t know when showers started being planned by the guest of honour, since they were always surprise parties when I was growing up, which made it clear that the bride/mother had nothing to do with the planning of it. I never knew if I was going to have a shower and the ones I had were complete surprises. I had absolutely no say over them which is the way it should be. They were not my parties, just parties thrown to honour me.

Express your opinions about having another shower, OP, and then leave it alone. If asked for your preference about decorations, guest lists, etc., then explain, again, how you feel about second baby showers. And then walk away. You control what you do and you let others do what they do.

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staceyizme November 13, 2017 at 11:55 am

Wow! You have enough to be concerned about without worrying over the etiquette straying intentions of a good friend! So, don’t worry! And you can either go with “full calendar” or “high risk, must rest and avoid excitement”. Either of those should get you out of being roped into a shower.

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Lanes November 13, 2017 at 12:09 pm

The problem with showers is the gifts, right? So if the issue comes up, you could express your strong desire to have a giftless event.

I agreed to a baby shower for my first on the proviso that no gifts were allowed. Not the “oh, if you must” approach, but a “please, no gifts”. I advised that we simply had too much stuff already (hand me downs from family). You could reasonably use the same approach for your second child?

It worked, too. People brought cards instead which were nice momentos to keep, and only 2 people got around the rule, one gave a giftcard, and another brought some food to share.

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Melissa November 16, 2017 at 9:32 am

I was thinking that by simply not registering for gifts, the MTB makes it pretty clear that she’s not asking for or expecting gifts.

I hate the “no gifts, but oh if you must” thing. If you say you don’t want gifts, but you really do, then let people make their own decisions about what to get you. I have seen this twice recently for housewarming parties for grown adults who have been established in their households for quite some time. One gave direction as to what to bring, the other actually registered for gifts, you know, even though they weren’t expected. (facepalm)

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Jazzgirl205 November 18, 2017 at 9:58 pm

When I was getting married, a few older women gave me luncheons. They were usually at a country club or a nice city hotel and my mother, sisters, and bridesmaids were invited. No gifts were even talked about or brought. It was just a very nice, dressy, get together.

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amydkw November 13, 2017 at 12:38 pm

I don’t think you have committed an etiquette faux pas here, you have not been planning the showers. Just relax and enjoy, with grace.

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Devin November 13, 2017 at 4:14 pm

Admin is spot on. If she gives you the heads up that a sprinkle is coming try the ‘calendar is full’ or ‘we kept everything from baby 1 so we already have more than we can use’ excuses. If it’s a surprise, be surprised and enjoy. Your friend planned the event and who ever shows up is aware you aren’t a gimme pig since it’s a surprise. If it’s labeled a sprinkle hopefully you’ll have a few cute new onesies and some packs of diapers and no one will feel put out for these small gifts (if they feel put out they should have declined to attend).
I would also say, cut yourself some slack on the other showers. Your church group involved your mother so they would know your preferences and since it’s done for everyone the invitees know you didn’t request it.

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Claire November 13, 2017 at 10:00 pm

I don’t go with the whole “it’s better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission” nonsense.

Don’t let anyone manipulate or guilt you into something you don’t want to do. You are not rude for saying “thanks but no thanks”. They are being rude for refusing to hear your “no”.

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CPete November 13, 2017 at 10:25 pm

OP, you’re fine. I feel like there’s a lot of pearl-clutching here about multiple showers, but honestly, the only way I see that as an etiquette violation is if someone is demanding multiple showers for the express purpose of getting as many gifts as possible. That wasn’t the case with you, so don’t feel like you need to apologize for it. And, as admin said, if you are surprised with another shower, be gracious and enjoy it. Guests are much more likely to have a negative impression of a woman who pooh-poohed a shower thrown in her honor in the name of etiquette than they would of a second-time mom having a “sprinkle.”

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JD November 14, 2017 at 12:30 pm

I have to agree with Admin. Decline as too booked if asked– and with one small one and one on the way, you really are busy, right?–and if surprised with one just smile and go along. There’s not much else you can do.

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Lyn November 14, 2017 at 2:50 pm

I think saying “it looks like my calendar is full” is incredibly rude and hurtful. If I offered to have a shower for someone and they turned me down flat I would be very hurt.

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admin November 16, 2017 at 1:41 am

SO in other words, the shower is really all about you and your feelings that trump those of the mother-to-be who is trying to dissaude you from hosting something in her honor that she doesn’t want.

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Just4Kicks November 16, 2017 at 5:40 am

Well….yes and no, in my opinion.
I wanted to throw a b-day party for my husband’s 50th a few years ago.
He hates surprises, so I ran it past him.
Family and a few friends, 25 folks max.
Nope. No party.
While I was happy I didn’t go to all the trouble and expense, I admit I was a *little*
hurt he wouldn’t concede.
But, His day, his choice not to.

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Melissa November 16, 2017 at 10:56 am

Totally agree with Admin on this. All too often, we (general) put our own feelings and wants above the person’s who we are supposed to want to honor. If I offered to throw a shower for someone and they told me their calendar was full, I would assume that they aren’t interested in the shower and go about my day. It would be nice if we could all speak our own truth and others would respect that, but I’ve read this site enough to know that not everyone will accept an answer such as “No, I’d rather not have a shower, but thank you”.

I think it’s fine to be disappointed if you like throwing showers or parties and the would-be guest of honor declines, but calling it rude and hurtful is a big stretch and pretty much proves what your true motives are.

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Just4Kicks November 15, 2017 at 1:24 am

I feel for you, OP.
We have 4 kids, the oldest three are boys.
When I was expecting our daughter, my husband let it slip, by accident there was talk of a “girl” shower being tossed around.
I politely declined, I didn’t want another shower.
A few folks *Cough, MIL, Cough* were supremely offended.
I didn’t care if she slept with a blue blanket, or what have you, and my boys jeans and pants were paired with cute girly tops and sweaters.

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Just4Kicks November 15, 2017 at 4:51 am

Btw: just to clarify, we did get my girl some lovely female items too.
I think my folks asked if they could buy her first winter coat and hat ect.
We bought her pretty crib sheets, items of that nature.

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Agania November 16, 2017 at 8:09 am

J4K, I just love the fact that YOU bought stuff for your baby. You didn’t sit around expecting others to provide for your girl child after three boys. More people need to follow your example. Baby showers are getting out of control these days. In fact, all showers are. We are certainly mired in the age of entitlement.

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Just4Kicks November 17, 2017 at 4:32 am

I agree with you, not one person said “Oh my god….is your girl wearing BOYS pants!”
At that age, they grow out of things so quickly, most of them looked brand new anyway.

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Just4Kicks November 20, 2017 at 3:18 am

…and thank you for the nice compliment!

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Rinme November 15, 2017 at 6:26 am

Isn’t saying “It looks like my calendar is full .” is incredibly rude? You’d be snubbing that friend without an explanation.

I’d go with a gentler approach and say that we already have all we need, or it’s not customary in my family to have a second shower.

In any case, LW, you’re overthinking the situation! You’re ok.

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BlendedFamily November 15, 2017 at 1:55 pm

I’ve not posted in quite a while. A few days ago I posted a question. Basically it was if you’re babysitting and that kid isn’t allowed to use phones but your kid is allowed, do you ban phones to both kids or let your kid use it and explain to the other kid that it’s his moms rule. I didn’t think it was a controversial question. I went on today to give an update but have been banned. I’m just wondering why. It won’t allow me to send messages asking or anything. I do feel like people have the right to know why they’re banned. Please respond and let me know what I did wrong

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bern821 November 15, 2017 at 2:43 pm

I wish we could dispose of this idea that it’s “rude” for your family members to host a shower. I realize bridal showers are typically planned by the bridal party (which may include family, so there’s that) – but why on earth is it wrong for someone in your family to plan/host a baby shower? I don’t understand why this is some sort of etiquette taboo. Maybe someone can explain it to me.

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Aleko November 16, 2017 at 2:42 am

It’s quite simple.

The shower is the only social event in our culture whose single avowed purpose is to solicit presents for the GOH. Yes, there are other events, such as weddings and kids’ birthday parties, where presents are conventionally given, but that is not the actual purpose of those events, whereas presents are the essence of a shower.

Obviously, nothing could be ruder than to send out an invitation on one’s own behalf that says, in effect, ‘Come to a party for the purpose of GIVING ME STUFF!’; but it is only marginally less rude to say ‘Come to a party for the purpose of GIVING MY DD / DIL / DS STUFF!’. The point being that if a family feels that one of its members needs things they should rally round and support her themselves, not demand that everybody they know should do so.

Showers started, way back when marriage usually was a huge break in a woman’s life, when she left her family home for the first time, as a way for a bride’s *friends* – whose social circle she might well be leaving for good, if the husband lived any distance away – to help her out and show their affection by saying ‘Let’s get together and give Susie presents to help equip her before she leaves for her new life!’ Of course, if any of her cousins or sisters were part of that friend group, they weren’t excluded from the shower; but they took part as members of the group, rather than as family.

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Dee November 16, 2017 at 10:39 am

Good explanation, Aleko. Also, the custom of showers was strictly to replace that which dowries provided, particularly for those women whose fathers could not afford to pay for the groom to marry their daughter. So the poor woman is leaving home with nothing and has basic needs she may not be able to meet for quite a while. Her friends, having pity on her, provide her with tea towels, spoons and spatulas, facecloths, and so on. The little things she will immediately need to set up house after the wedding but will probably not be given as wedding gifts. These things were lifesavers for the woman who was not independent before marriage. For the woman who was already working, there was every chance her job paid so little she could not afford to set up house on her own, no matter how hard she tried.

For her parents or other family members to throw the shower showed that they were not only unwilling/unable to provide a much-needed dowry but also actively trolling friends and family to provide that dowry for them. Most parents wouldn’t even dream of humiliating themselves like that. And most guests wouldn’t accept such a concept, and go to a shower thrown by family members, agreeing to be used like that.

But, nowadays, there is no need for showers, given how many women are already independent before marriage, with a reasonable wage and means, and how many already have their household set up with their future spouse. So a shower is completely symbolic now, with no need attached.

Even if the tradition was still relevant today the expectations have changed so significantly that the lowly shower has been itself replaced by a grand affair rivaling weddings. And the little gifts that were traditional, the kind of thing that a poor friend would have given to the poor bride-to-be, are scoffed at now. Imagine if all guests spent $10 each on cheap kitchen linens and mixing bowls. Imagine showers as being small gatherings of women in someone’s living room, little sandwiches, punch and cookies, simple conversation and the admiration of those cheap gifts. What cheap guests! What cheap hosts! The hue and cry would be enormous. But that’s what a shower was, so if people are going to demand their right to have/give a shower then the rest of the tradition should also be kept in mind, instead of forsaking it in the name of greed.

Baby showers are not traditional. They piggybacked onto bridal showers but it’s never been the responsibility of an extended family to provide for a new grandchild. What has been tradition is for friends and family to give a gift, if they so desired, to welcome a new person into their life. That has morphed into the grand baby showers and gift grabs of today.

It is always tacky and cheap for a family to solicit funds for the benefit of their children. That has not changed, even if showers have.

There is no need for showers these days, so it is more important than ever not to make it a gratuitous gift grab. Family needs to stay out of the planning and execution of these types of gatherings. Showers really should fall by the wayside, since the need for them is no longer there, in favour of a “welcoming” party that does not require gifts of any sort. In that case, family is absolutely able to host such a gathering, as a way of providing full hospitality to friends and family to celebrate an upcoming milestone event. And guests would then be able to celebrate with the family and guest of honour without feeling as if their attendance is only a ruse for procuring loot.

Of course, if it really is the loot that is the point then, by all means, throw a shower for your family member. Be honest about your motivation and let your guests decide if they want to reward your greed. Just don’t pretend it’s okay or even “tradition” for you to do such a thing.

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NostalgicGal November 16, 2017 at 8:01 pm

My family still had the tradition of the hope chest, and I received one my father made for me when I was small (it was huge, it was over 5′ long with an upholstered top). Into it went blankets, linens, pillowcases, towels… small kitchen utensils, and related things. When I moved into my first apartment however it was across the state, had I had it I could have set up my kitchen, covered my bed, and had towels in my bathroom. A fully stocked hope chest was the hope for the future and it was expected by the time I was ready to leave home it would be stocked… So that also would have precluded having a shower.

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Dee November 16, 2017 at 9:05 pm

Hope chests were very popular in my generation, too; it’s only this generation that hasn’t heard of them. In the past they were called a trousseau. The chest was just for holding that trousseau. But they weren’t enough to set up house and so a shower was still needed for most lower class women. By the time I got married, though, 30+ years ago, showers were no longer necessary. Even though we were very poor compared to today we were still able to purchase the necessities.

Anonymous November 15, 2017 at 8:39 pm

Okay, I’ve seen some pretty epic Assertiveness Heck stories on here, but I don’t think this is one of them. The OP actually brings up a pretty good question–how do you say “no” to something when the plans are already underway, and people have invested time and money, and the people involved in making it happen are at a “point of no return?”; whether that’s at the point where the OP has a surprise party sprung on her, or just, the point where she discovers that friends/family members/church people are throwing her a shower she doesn’t want. It’s easy to say, as an outsider, “Not OP’s problem; she didn’t ask for any of this, so she’d be perfectly within the bounds of etiquette to say no, and shut it down,” but the reality is, that kind of thing can damage relationships. So, I can understand why the OP might feel stuck–she might have very good reasons for not wanting multiple showers–she feels it’s tacky, parties can be overwhelming, she doesn’t need a lot of things, she worries about taking too much of her friends’/family members’/fellow churchgoers’ time and money, and also, maybe she’s annoyed that people think they know what she wants and needs, better than she does. But, she probably also doesn’t want to voice these thoughts and risk losing friends, creating tension in her family, and/or being ostracized at church.

The only thing I could suggest, is to get ahead of it and just, make it clear how much you hate surprise parties, at a time that’s nowhere near your birthday, or mention in passing something like, “Oh, Kid #1 barely wore these clothes before outgrowing them,” before Kid #2 is even a spark in your eye. Then, people will know what you want, and don’t want, before the issue even comes up. It’s too late to do anything about it now, but honestly, I think it’s the party/shower organizers’ fault–if they don’t know you well enough to know that you don’t want one, and they have to assume, they shouldn’t be throwing you one. It’s always safer to assume people don’t want to be surprised like this. If you ask people what they want, you can plan them a non-surprise event, and that’d be just as good.

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Cammy November 16, 2017 at 1:04 am

I’m confused. If family isn’t to plan baby showers, then who? I thought the rule was family or friends plan it, not you because they want to celebrate the birth of the baby and if you plan it it looks a bit greedy or what have you. I have loads of cousins and all baby showers were planned by my mom and her sisters and sisters in law. The first baby to be born from us cousins is coming and the baby shower is being planned by my cousins sister and a couple other cousins.

In our family, although I know it comes across to some as tacky, *all* babies had a baby shower where usually ladies got together, talked shop, gave a few cute baby items and ate cake while celebrating the baby.

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Wendy November 16, 2017 at 3:48 pm

I love baby showers because I love buying cute baby things so I don’t see a problem with multiple showers one for each baby. The only time I found a shower rude was when they had a registry which had big ticket items such as prams and cots on it. Otherwise I have found it usually a way for women (mostly) to buy/make cute baby things and have a get together with food and cake. I guess it depends on the end on the expectations of the guest of honour do they expect a full out day about them with lots of expensive gifts or like what I expected a get together with w few cute baby items?
Has anyone heard of a blessingway? It’s like a shower but gifts are expressly forbidden the idea is it’s held towards the end of the pregnancy and women get together to lend their support and love to the mother to be, only happy birth stories. Basically it’s supposed to get rid of some of the fear surrounding birth and the stress surrounding a new arrival. From the ones I have seen they are beautiful and held in place of a shower

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LonelyHound November 20, 2017 at 5:23 pm

I have an auxiliary question: Is it tacky to host a gender reveal for a 3rd child when the goal of the gender reveal is just to spend time with friends? I would like to have a gender reveal for my 3rd child. I was going to invite people to a BBQ and just kind of spring the “we’re finding out the baby’s gender today too!” at the BBQ. I really would rather host a BBQ to mingle with friends but also want to share the surprise at finding out what the baby would be. Thoughts?

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