The anonymous guest, an ex-colleague of the bride, asked for advice on a Mumsnet forum after being told the £100 cheque she gave the couple was not sufficient.
According to the poster, known as Puzzledandpissedoff, the email from the newlyweds read:
“We were surprised that your contribution didn’t seem to match the warmth of your good wishes on our big day. In view of your own position, if you wanted to send any adjustment it would be thankfully received.”
You can read the rest of the horror story HERE.
So, the amount of the wedding gift did not sufficiently “match the warmth of your good wishes”. Money has become a barometer of friendship or a gauge of the true sincerity of the gift giver’s congratulations.
One thing is true, however. The email the bride and groom did send to the gift giver does equate to the lack of grace and gratitude they have for their guests and the gifts they bear.
Comments on this entry are closed.
Is it bad form to stop payment on the check?
In this case, I believe not. I would be very angry if I gave someone a substantial gift and generous gift such as this and they responded with something like that. Maybe it sounds awful but I would not be above putting a stop payment on the check at all. If you only invited me for the money grab, then here, have nothing.
I think I’d have to respond with an invoice for $100.
If the check hadn’t been cashed yet, I would be putting a “stop payment” on it so fast that it would make your head spin. If the only reason you want me at your wedding is to extort money, please don’t bother inviting me. This one is even worse than the all-too-common “your gift didn’t cover the cost of your plate”.
Unfortunately, Pissedoffandpuzzled discovered that they had prudently banked the cheque before sending her their demand for a top-up.
Sometimes, weddings bring out the worst in people (and spending the last two weeks reading the archives on this site proves it). There are things I just can’t believe about a bride and groom, and this is one of them. This sort of thing makes me want to bang my head against the wall.
It makes ME want to bang THEIR heads against a wall!
I’d have asked them to send that cheque back or cancelled it with the bank!
Wow. I can’t even…
Wow. I *really* wish this is a story where we could have gotten an update. All the news sites that reported this story back in 2016 say the bride went silent. I hope she was sufficiently shamed, although if she was rude and clueless enough to send this email, I’d be willing to wager she still doesn’t think she did anything wrong.
It’s pretty simple. Badly behaved newlyweds use the “cover” of shame under a disguise of playing the injured party. No response required other than a sigh of relief that this colleague is, happily, an “ex”. (Now my brain wants to cue up the dance sequence from Beauty and the Beast… since we’ve seen this behavior so many often that it really is a “tale as old as time…”.)
The only “adjustment” I’d be making would be to cull these two oafs from my friends list. What a nerve!
I would respond with a letter of my own.
I’m dreadfully sorry. If you send the check back, I will replace it with one in accordance with our friendship, now.
I would then send them a check for $1.00.
How rude! If someone said that to me, I would say “Okay, send me back the cheque and I will send you another one for what you deserve!” and then just never send them anything again.
Oh man! What is wrong with people? You may not like what you got as a gift, but you just smile and thank them nicely!
Is it too late to ask for a refund?
That is horrible!!!
I think 100.00 is a VERY generous gift, who raises these entitled jerks?!?
It was actually 100 pounds, which is closer to $150 American. I’d give that kind of gift to a good friend!
I’d be sorely tempted to indeed send an adjustment to reflect how my warmth and goodwill had been adjusted by their reply — I would be tempted to send a bill!
But of course I wouldn’t. The correct response to this is complete silence. No response is required, so none shall be given, and I would likely curtail my social interactions with this couple henceforth.
A hundred pounds is quite a generous gift, especially for someone who is just a business associate rather than a close friend or immediate relation.
And if the poster does not cancel that very generous cheque then she is asking to be a doormat. I don’t think I would have waited five minutes to head off to my bank to stop that cheque. And then let the ugly couple know I solved the problem of the ‘distasteful’ gift and that I would be open to discussing it further, if they felt so inclined. And all that would be on email with a bcc to everyone I know who has Facebook and social media, so they could feel free to post it at their whimsy. Because things this rich shouldn’t be allowed to wither away and be forgotten.
If they had not cashed the check yet, I would have done a stop payment on it. See how they like that.
The truly amazing thing about that story is that anyone, no matter how much a bridezilla, could expect for a moment that her message would actually elicit more dosh. Surely nobody would react by meekly sending more money. Surely? Please, people. Say nobody would!
I could say it, but I would be wrong.
I’m hoping the only result of this email was a steep decrease in their social circle.
I would ignore the email and put the couple into the category of “not friends”.
My extended family accounts for most of the weddings I’ve gone to over my lifetime. My aunts and uncles were mostly farmers and factory workers. They weren’t all that sophisticated and didn’t go out of their way to impress anyone. They put on great weddings with good food, alcoholic refreshments, and a band that was expected to play several polkas.
It would never have occurred to any of these people to expect gifts of a certain value. They were more interested in having a fun party for everyone.
Personally, I tend to give more generous gifts to those I’m closest to, such as nieces and nephews.
I wouldn’t consider it my responsibility to bankroll an ex colleague. In my opinion if this couple needed cash from their guests then they should probably have had a cheaper wedding.
And I bet those weddings were way more fun than those fancy bridezilla ones. I’ve been to a variety of weddings, and the best two were 1) a very small one with only a handful of guests, and only snacks and finger foods served, with caterers, in the back yard. 2) a slightly larger one, but again in a back yard for the ceremony, with good friends and family present, the bride made her own dress, the neighbour did the flower arrangement, the mom made the cake, the groom’s friends formed a band, and everyone danced away.
^^^ oh and most importantly, in both cases, the couples are still married two decades on.
And may those couples enjoy many more. 😀
But maybe the warmth of the giver’s best wishes was really only lukewarm and 100 pounds was more than generous.
Oh, wow. What a slap in the face to the giver.
I wonder if they’ve cashed the check. If not, it’s worth the fee to stop payment on it.
The OP’s response was really good, and one worth considering in similar situations. Saying, “I assume this was a mistake?” means the bride and groom have to either double down on their greediness, or it gives them a graceful out. Sure, the couple will probably double down, but at least the OP knows she’s in the right.
This isn’t the first situation of this kind I’ve seen. They never fail to completely blow my mind. I will never understand some people and what possesses them to become such greed monsters. It also makes me wonder if they’re also insufferable human beings in other areas of their lives or just this one.
On reflection, I think that in her place my response would have been something like this:
I’m thinking you and Bridegroom will be back from your honeymoon by now. I hope you had a lovely three weeks in Mustique!
I’m afraid I have rather bad news for you; your email account seems to have been hacked. Today I received an offensive message purporting to be from you, insinuating that my wedding present was too small and suggesting I ‘adjust’ the amount. I’m forwarding the message so you can see for yourself and take whatever measures you can to repair your account’s security, and I’m copying this to all the other wedding guests I have addresses for, in case they have received similar messages.
This surely has to be a malicious prank rather than attempted fraud: surely not even a Nigerian fraudster could expect that anyone – even if they believed it was genuine – would respond to an insulting shakedown like this by meekly writing a second cheque! But it’s hateful to think that there is someone out there who would take the trouble to try to smear you in this way, and cast a shadow on what was a lovely happy wedding. I am so sorry for you both.
I like the way you’re thinking!
I love it!
Aleko – That is perfect! If only we could go back in time and get OP to actually do this, and then sit back and wait for what happens next. Better than Netflix!
I LOVE this idea – especially copying all of the other wedding guests!
The dates on the responses are May 2016 and also apparently the check-giver was known to have gotten an inheritance recently to the wedding. So apparently the HC were expecting that guest to be quite generous because of that fact. I read a bunch of the comments, I agree. I would have cancelled the check. I would also then wait for the HC to contact again about the check going flat… and go, oh dear, let me send you a replacement. Then send one, for between one pence (cent) and one pound. IF they contacted again, say, ‘oh, well, your enthusiasm for my first gift seemed to be far short of my expectations so I took the chance to adjust it to match what I’d observed. Have a good life’. And cut them out of mine.
Very rude and entitled. Considering that the Bride was an ex-colleague a hundred pounds is very generous and to tell the OP that their contributions was not enough was completely inconsiderate. Plus if the Bride was alluding to an inheritance that the OP received then that just proves she and the groom are even more greedy. Just because someone came into money recently doesn’t mean they have to give any of that money away or give a large sum as a gift. Thankfully the OP didn’t give them any more money and instead called them out in a subtle way by asking if that E-mail was a mistake. It’s also telling that the Bride never responded.
Yeah the mean part of me says cancel check and leave it at that.
The nicer part says email response of something like; I’m surprised to see that anyone would ever send an email like this. I’m guessing you were trying to make a joke?..
My husband suggested replying “The warmth of my wishes has cooled considerably. Keep the change.”
This! This is a good one!
Oh wow. I think cancelling the cheque would be good, with a note to say, “I am sorry my gift was not appreciated; in light of this information, I have cancelled the cheque.”
It’s posts like this that have me channeling my inner Mrs. Oleson from “Little House on the Prairie”: OH, FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!
A hundred pounds is more than $130 in U.S. dollars. Maybe it’s the circles I travel in, but a check in the three figures as a wedding gift is something that close relatives or very close friends give — not “ex-colleagues.” My partner and I have, between us, maybe three ex-colleagues we are friendly enough with to consider inviting to our hypothetical wedding. And we would be very surprised if any one of them gave us more than, say, $25.
I blame the diamond engagement ring commercials for planting this idea that amount spent = level of love.
I mentioned this to my husband last night and before he could say anything, my 13 year old daughter said “Ewwww…..how TACKY!!!”
If a THIRTEEN year old gets that, I don’t know what kind of an adult does not.
Ugh. They’re wedding guests, not ATMs. How should guests be treated?
A lot of people here are saying cancel the check. I personally would not do that in this situation. It’s a gift freely given, and once given is no longer mine to control/withdrawal.
My response likely would be to distance myself from this couple.
Honestly, I would just email her back the dictionary definition of a “gift”.
I’d probably have replied back asking if £100 is too much? In which case I could change the amount.
Oh, dear! I am so very sorry! How awful of me to have misjudged!
I have corrected the error, and stopped payment on the check. Because, of course, our friendship is priceless. I am so sorry to have offended you by giving you a cash gift! I do hope to make it up to you by engaging in long soulful discussions, hikes along beaches during fantastic sunsets, and misty photogenic dawn yoga sessions.
Ever, and always, your deepest friend and soulmate,
Very crass to say the least. Let the greedypants couple keep the cheque, and make sure to avoid the baby showers that will probably be coming up.
Yikes. I can’t imagine sending anyone a note like that! My sister very recently got married and there were several couples whose weddings they had been to the month or two before where they gave generously and yet did not receive anything when it came to their wedding – not even a card – but they basically shrugged their shoulders and said, “What can you do?”
Meanwhile, the day after my own wedding, I was literally in tears in the living room over how generous people were because I felt it was TOO much.
I’d cancel the check.
The ONLY way I can see anything like this being even remotely acceptable is if the giver had SPECIFICALLY said ahead of time, “Hey, I’m going to give you $1,000 for your wedding” and gave $100 instead.
I agree…cancel the cheque.