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Wedding Wednesday – Begging To Send The Wedding Gift

A short bit of background. In 2000 my spouse’s grandmother passed away. At that time my spouse, along with 2 siblings, were sent a box or two each from her estate. Things their father, who had been caring for grandmother, thought should be passed down. There was no arguing, the boxes arrived and that was what you received from the estate. My spouse and I have no children. So we always intended to pass these items down to the siblings children, grandmothers great-grandchildren.

Fast forward to 2017. The first of the great-grandchildren is about to be married. One of the items my spouse inherited was a set of silver with first letter of the family last name engraved on each. There are 2 boys among the great-grandkids and we thought we would send this as a wedding gift to the first of them to marry since they were most likely to be carrying on the family name.

We were not invited to the wedding. No hard feelings, spouse is not close with the sibling whose son is getting married and we live across the country from each other. I found out about the wedding on Facebook. When I found out about the wedding I contacted my SIL via Facebook messenger to congratulate her family and inform her about the silver. I began by asking if she wanted to ask her son if he would be interested in it, because it not, maybe it would be better suited to her other son.

She wrote back immediately saying she didn’t need to ask, she was sure her son would love to receive it as a wedding gift. I immediately replied “great! where can I send it?”. No response. At this time it’s about 6 weeks before wedding. I wait a few weeks. It is now less than 1 month before wedding. I write again and say “hey, if son is not interested in the silver no hard feelings, but if you could let me know I’d appreciate it”. Again, I get an immediate reply saying yes son is interested and she’ll have to “check” where to send it.

Huh? Check? Its less than a month before the wedding and the mother of the groom doesn’t know where to send a gift? I know! How about her house? Or my MIL who I assume is going to the wedding since they live close by? Or the sons new apartment? In the time it took her to type “let me check where to send it” she could have typed her address. True or not, the way this made me feel was that she didn’t want us to have her address. I’m 3000 miles away, it’s not like I’m going to drop by for a visit. I was angry enough to consider not sending the silver at all.

In the end, days later she sent me her address. I wrote her back immediately thanking her and letting her know I would be sending it. I also let her know that she hurt my feelings and that she needn’t worry we won’t be dropping by. (okay I didn’t write the part about dropping by, but I wanted to!) 0226-18

{ 51 comments }
{ 51 comments… add one }
  • Louise March 28, 2018, 5:28 am

    I feel like I’m missing something here. Why was OP so angry/hurt because it took some time for the SIL to send an address? Some people are just a bit scatterbrained (especially if this was in the lead up to her son’s wedding! She must have had a million things on her mind!)

    I feel like the OP made a lot of very strange assumptions here, and I’m a bit curious to know why they didn’t have SIL’s address in the first place (it sounds like SIL is either OP’s husband’s sibling, or SIL is married to husband’s sibling – why would he not have the address?), or why OP didn’t just call SIL to find out, if it was such a big deal.

  • tessa March 28, 2018, 5:35 am

    The “hurt feelings” sentence should of been left out also since OP was merely interpreting the gap of time. This was all right before the wedding when things are crazy….why not just wait and send it after the wedding, when things have calmed down a bit?

  • Lerah99 March 28, 2018, 6:49 am

    OP, I completely understand why you feel the way you feel.
    But, I’d suggest letting this one go.

    The mother of the groom was a few weeks out from her first son getting married.
    There were probably 50 million details clamoring for her attention.

    She wanted to send you the best address. So she might have needed to talk to her son to find out “Hey, is it safe for a package like this to be sent to your new apartment? Would it be better to have it sent to my house? etc…”

    You’re giving this the worst possible motivations: “Oh no! I don’t want OP who lives across the country to have my address! What if OP and my cousin drop by unexpectedly??? The horror!”

    When, in reality, you have no way of knowing what else was happening or what she needed to confirm before she got back with you.

    Rather than deciding on the worst possible interpretation, give her the benefit of the doubt.
    Yes, it was inconvenient for you.
    Yes, she absolutely should have followed up with you sooner since you were doing a nice thing for her son.

    But this is your husband’s cousin who lives across the country. It won’t hurt anyone to chalk this up to pre-wedding chaos and move along with your life rather than nursing hurt feelings and resentment.

  • ladyv21454 March 28, 2018, 8:28 am

    While I do understand the OP’s frustration, I think that she is also guilty of, if not rudeness, some lack of consideration. If her first contact with SIL about the gift was 6 weeks prior to the wedding, it’s very possible that SIL was caught up in the final planning for the wedding – which can cause a person to be distracted from pretty much everything else. And if OP really wanted SIL’s address – or even Nephew’s address – why didn’t she just ask her MIL? That would have been easier and more considerate than badgering the SIL right before the wedding.

    I think OP was a little over the top with her reactions to SIL’s lack of communication. Hurt feelings? Thinking that the SIL didn’t want her to have the address? Angry enough that she considered punishing the nephew by not sending the silver? Why do I suspect this person was a Bridezilla when she and DH were married?

  • DGS March 28, 2018, 8:39 am

    I don’t know if that’s so much of an etiquette breach, but maybe more of carelessness on the part of the mother of the groom. Maybe, the couple was in the process of closing on a new home? Maybe, the couple was in the process of moving across the country for work or schooling? Perhaps, they were deciding on where to move, or were not sure when they would be traveling on a honeymoon so did not want to have something sent that might have the potential of being lost or stolen? Certainly, she could have been more forthcoming, but I would forbear to take offense. The OP and her in-laws aren’t close; they live across the country, so they do not know exactly what was going on, and a month before a wedding, both sets of parents are probably, busy with last minute arrangements. I’d cut the whole lot some slack.

  • Shannon March 28, 2018, 9:16 am

    The OP seems like someone who is hunting for hurtful things. People don’t always immediately reply to a message, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. They get busy, they forget, they have something come up. It’s not great, but it’s not deliberately mean either. Getting all in your feelings about it, and accusing someone of hurting you, is rather dramatic under the circumstances.

    My guess is that SIL did legitimately need to check with her son as to whether the silver should go to his apartment or to her house, and then didn’t follow through. The month before a family wedding can be really hectic.

  • Miss-E March 28, 2018, 9:22 am

    Call me crazy but i really don’t see how this was all that wrong. Many many many times I have opened an email or text and then forgotten to respond to it. It’s not a great habit but i feel like it’s a pretty normal thing that many of us have done before. OP has no idea what is going on in SILs life and the shipping of silver is not exactly urgent.

    As far as having to “check” she probably wanted to ask her son where he’d like the silver to be sent. Maybe it’s easier to send it to him so he doesn’t have to collect it from his mother or maybe his place is bursting with wedding gifts and he can’t handle anymore packages. It’s a very nice gesture to send this heirloom to the son but it’s not like silver expires, I don’t see why the OP was getting testy about prompt shipment.

  • Melissa March 28, 2018, 9:32 am

    I’m interested to see the other comments, but I don’t really think that SIL was worried about OP having her address. Most likely, she just forgot to ask her son for his address (my dad just asked me for my address the other day, and I’ve lived in my house for over 2 years, so it doesn’t seem too far fetched to me that a parent wouldn’t have their adult kid’s mailing address on hand) and possibly wanted to ask him what he’d prefer as far as delivery first. Of course OP does know her in laws better than I do, and maybe this is part of a larger pattern of weirdness from SIL. Either way, it is really annoying when you want to give a gift, and the receiver won’t put in any minimal effort so that you can give it to them. It definitely puts a damper on the gift giving spirit!

  • staceyizme March 28, 2018, 9:38 am

    I don’t think that anything wrong happened here other than in your imagination. You had a specific gift in mind and you were communicating with a third party. Things got a little awkward and then they were resolved, full stop. Unless- it really did matter to you that you weren’t invited and/or that you’re graciously offered gift wasn’t enthusiastically received or especially thanked in advance…? It just strikes me as a bit odd that you would get hung up over having an address and convert that into a message of intentional exclusion. It almost seems like you’re saying that you were very unique gift entitled you to a relational closeness that did not previously exist.

  • VickyJoJo March 28, 2018, 10:12 am

    Frankly, I think the LW is overreacting and was inappropriate to say that the SIL hurt her feelings….why would she say that?

    The message was sent 6 weeks before the wedding. I have no doubt that as the mother of the groom she might be a bit busy with either work or wedding details. So perhaps answering back was forgotten. And yes, it was necessary to check where to send it. I can forgive SIL for not dropping everything to take care of this one small thing immediately. The LW turned a nice gesture on her part into unnecessary drama.

  • MelEtiquette March 28, 2018, 10:16 am

    I’m a little confused by the whole point of this letter – where is the breach of etiquette supposed to be here? That SIL didn’t provide an immediate response about where to send the gift? I’m also confused by the last sentence – were OP’s feelings really hurt that SIL didn’t respond right away with an address, or was that part supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? OP seems extremely annoyed by something so trivial that I wonder if maybe there ARE hard feelings about not being invited to the wedding.

  • CJ March 28, 2018, 10:22 am

    Have you considered that she wanted to check for an address where someone would absolutely be available to take delivery? With so many packages being stolen from front porches these days, I almost never have anything delivered to my house, and certainly not something that has significant monetary or sentimental value!

  • lakey March 28, 2018, 10:32 am

    Not knowing the background of the relationships involved, I wouldn’t assume the worst here. The months and weeks leading up to a wedding are incredibly hectic. There are a lot of possible reasons for her failure to get back to you. Frankly some people are procrastinators and just don’t get around to taking care of things. Unless there is a lot of bad feeling between your spouse and the sibling, I would keep an open mind.

  • Shannon March 28, 2018, 10:52 am

    I’d let it go. Maybe the mom is scatterbrained, maybe she is juggling a thousand things because it’s less than a month to her son’s wedding.

  • Tan March 28, 2018, 10:52 am

    Why are your feelings hurt? You seem to be reading a lot into a lack of communication with someone ~3000 miles away who you know may be busy helping plan a wedding on top of other things. I would suggest that although getting this silver shipped was high on your priority list, it was not on SILs. She probably intended to speak to her son about it but forgot. After all she only assumed her son would want it. When you reminded her she didn’t want to check the gift address but rather whether the gift was wanted. Or she thought about giving you the son’s address then perhaps wondered if you’d send it immediately or in a few weeks when they are on honeymoon. The son may have a set plan for gifts and your gift doesn’t fit into this plan e.g. he is expecting most too come from a registry that will be delivered directly to him and then will take any further gifts on the day. Do you even know if the son has it/ wanted it? Or has SIL taken it off you hands for now and will discuss it with the son(s) later?

  • Harry's Mom March 28, 2018, 10:59 am

    I also let her know that she hurt my feelings and that she needn’t worry we won’t be dropping by. (okay I didn’t write the part about dropping by, but I wanted to!)
    Too bad; you should have!!!

  • pyes March 28, 2018, 11:00 am

    While I agree she should have been more prompt in responding, I would cut her some slack given that she is in the middle of planning a wedding. I doubt she was trying to avoid giving out her address. Sending to the grandmother would be useless because I doubt it was going to be wrapped up and taken to the wedding. I can see forgetting to ask her son about their preference for shipping location after your first email exchange and your second request was the reminder that she needed. She probably wanted to check with my offspring with a “Hey do you want the silver sent to us and you guys get it some time after the wedding or do you want it to go directly to your apartment?” and the Son giving back a “let me check with fiance to see if she wants us to have it there or if she’d rather you guys stored it until we get a bigger place.” and then there being a lag between her remembering to ask and him remembering to get back to his mom and then the mom remembering to get back to you. Another reason to confirm where to ship is security. I know I wouldn’t want a shipment of silver to be sent without making sure someone would be home to receive it instead of being left on the doorstep.

  • GreenThing March 28, 2018, 11:31 am

    More likely she was frazzled or the message went on her “need to answer list” and she forgot about it. Not very polite, but not likely a slight against you. I wouldn’t remunerate over it. To quote, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

  • AS March 28, 2018, 11:47 am

    Here are the possibilities of her not replying that I can think off the top of my head:

    1) She wanted to check if the son wanted the gift posted to mom’s house, or his house so that the newly weds don’t have to take it along.

    2) The son (or LW’s SIL) is in the process of moving to a new house, and didn’t know the new address yet (I am saying this from experience).

    3) Mom didn’t know the son’s postal address – which can happen in today’s internet-era where you know the exact house, but not the address because you don’t really send snail-mails too often anymore (or the son had recently moved).

  • Skaramouche March 28, 2018, 12:47 pm

    Oh OP, I really want to be sympathetic but I guess I don’t really see why your feelings are hurt by her response. I didn’t read it the same way that you did, I suppose.

    I’m not excusing your SIL…she was 100% sloppy. She should absolutely have responded rather than making you ask again. I also feel that so many different things could have happened that “she didn’t want us to have her address” is a remote possibility.

    1) Maybe SHE wanted the silver for her son rather than a genuine desire on his part and therefore she replied promptly but later had to figure out the logistics including telling him that she had said yes.
    2) Maybe she was so busy with wedding prep that she forgot to respond. This is a faux pas but not a reason for hurt feelings.
    3) Maybe other people were asking her the same question and instead of giving her own address to all them, she had to figure out a plan.
    4) Maybe she (incorrectly) read your offer as you fishing for an invitation and before sending an address, had to figure out whether they could fit you in.

    Here’s a (hug) because it sucks to feel insulted by your family but I really do feel that you’re looking for slights when none were intended. Unless, of course, there’s more to this story or some background that you haven’t shared…

  • Ripple March 28, 2018, 12:52 pm

    Why did you automatically assume the worst when she didn’t give you an address immediately? I can think of five different addresses that might have been used – hers, her MIL, the son’s, the fiancé’s, and the fiancé’s parents’. She may have wanted to check to see which would be the best to receive the package. A box of heirloom silverware is not like a blender – it’s expensive, heavy, and you don’t want it sitting on the porch for anyone to see and steal. FedEx usually requires a signature, and if someone isn’t going to be available, then it takes longer to deliver and, depending on the nearest FedEx depot, may require driving time to pick it up if someone wasn’t home at the right time.

  • Dee March 28, 2018, 12:53 pm

    There’s a lot about this letter that seems to indicate a fair bit of dysfunction. It seems odd to me that the father just gave away his mother’s stuff to his kids without their input as to what they wanted. One person may have treasured a favourite hankie and another thought it was junk, and vice versa for the other items. And so what are the chances that each kid received stuff they didn’t want, threw it away, and pined for something that reminded them of Grandma? When all it took was a quick inventory of the goods, sent off to the kids, for their preferences. Instead, there was no communication and no consideration for the kids’ feelings.

    It seems odd that LW and hubby didn’t receive an invitation to nephew’s wedding. They’re not “not speaking” to each other, and it’s not an elopement, and it sounds like the family is a fairly small one.
    But it would seem a snub to deliberately forgo even a token invitation to out of town closely related people.

    And it seems odd to send a gift when there hasn’t been an invitation and no legitimate reason for not being invited. I get it that hubby is not close to the nephew’s parents but he is still communicating with them. So the snub is really odd, and choosing to give a gift to someone who’s snubbing you is odder yet.

    And why only consider the boys as recipients of the silver? That’s a huge diss to the girls right there. Ouch.

    And no consideration that the family may be extremely busy at this time, with the wedding planning and all, that they would be late in sending back replies. But, then again, why would you expect a prompt reply if this same family didn’t think you even warranted an invitation? The message seemed pretty clear right from the get-go, so expecting to now have easy communications is even more odd.

    And why doesn’t LW already have SIL’s address? How did that “secret” happen? And when it happened, didn’t that raise a huge alarm bell, as in, a sibling doesn’t want to tell you where they live? And you didn’t want to find out why? That’s the oddest part about the whole thing.

    I just don’t get why there’s this focus on the silver when it’s clearly about a family that has major communication issues, at the very least. I couldn’t picture a scenario by which I would participate in any of this, and certainly once I offered something so valuable as this silver and not received a reply I would drop it. If the offer isn’t remembered or acted upon then that’s the answer – it’s not wanted enough to induce any kind of effort. But I don’t need confirmation RIGHT THIS SECOND about the gift, either. I can wait and consider the many ways in which others might be too busy to answer an email that is not time sensitive. But for me the real question would be – why don’t these people tell me where they live? Invite me to their wedding? Reply to my emails? Is it me, or something else? And if it’s me, then why, and what can I do to repair that?

    Which clearly is not LW’s concern at all, and it’s really just about the silver. Very, very odd.

  • Dominic March 28, 2018, 1:49 pm

    I get the feeling that there is something more going on behind the story as presented here. The biggest oddity is OP’s feeling that SIL did not want OP to have their address, and then acting on that feeling by letting SIL know about it. It’s quite an accusation and a big leap of logic for me, but obviously wasn’t for OP, so something else could be behind it.

    It also seems odd to me that they only learned of a nephew’s upcoming wedding via Facebook, even if they do live far away and OP’s spouse is not close to this sibling. I would’ve thought the mother, OP’s MIL, might have been in contact with them to share such happy news. It just all sounds as if there is some underlying strain between branches of the family. If not, then OP is being overly sensitive, as SIL may simply have not been sure where to have the silver sent, may have been busy, may be lax in her duties as MOG, etc.

  • Gumby March 28, 2018, 2:26 pm

    I am, perhaps, being cynical. But I have to wonder if the son is the one who wants it. It doesn’t explain the reluctance to give an address, but it does explain the quick and enthusiastic acceptance. If possible, you might want to verify through other means that the gift makes it all the way to the groom.

    Going only by what was presented here, it seems like “you hurt my feelings” was not a necessary addition to an “it’s on its way” email. It is definitely odd that she didn’t have an appropriate address very close at hand. But assuming the reason for the delay was a desire to keep you from visiting seems a rather large jump to me. Perhaps there are other family interactions that would support that interpretation but I don’t see them here.

  • Elisabeth March 28, 2018, 3:47 pm

    I wouldn’t have kept pushing after she brushed you off the first time. Instant response means she’s on FB enough to see messages, but she couldn’t take the two seconds to find a suitable address?

    I also would have contacted the son more directly instead. Maybe directly ask for his address from SIL, saying you would like to send a gift and card without specifying what it was. Then send a card alerting him to the presence of the silver and asking if he would like it.

  • LEMon March 28, 2018, 4:04 pm

    If I had received your email about sending the silver, I too would have needed time to figure out where to tell you to send it – because I would want it sent to the safest place. Where I live, packages left on the doorstep get stolen. I would need to figure out who had the best chance of being able to get to it quickly.

    My point is: she may have had a very good reason to need to think that had nothing to do with you.

    Now I agree she should have responded the first time. That is where she fell short.
    But I doubt her second reply has anything to do with you dropping by.

  • It's Me March 28, 2018, 4:33 pm

    My first thought was why do you want to send a wedding gift when you weren’t invited to the wedding? My second thought was why don’t you have your nephew’s address? My third thought was why don’t you have your SIL’s address? Then I told myself no wonder you weren’t invited to the wedding. You aren’t the least bit close to the happy couple.

    I have a feeling that your nephew doesn’t really want the silver. It reminds me of the time I was trying to get rid of my piano, and I knew a teenager who was taking piano lessons but did not own one. So I asked his mother if she would like my piano. She said, “Ask my husband.” So I asked her husband, and he said, “Ask my wife.” If they had really wanted my piano, one of them would have said, “Oh, wow! Honey, we’ve been offered a piano!”

    Giving a present to someone that you hope will appreciate it shouldn’t be so much work.

  • Cicero March 28, 2018, 5:45 pm

    I don’t know if there is any background story here, but based solely on this post, I don’t see that your SIL did anything particularly egregious.

    I think it’s very nice or you to offer to send the silverware. Six weeks before a wedding is a stressful time, and while she should have been more clear with you, I wouldn’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that she was trying to hide his address. There’s a leap here that I just don’t see.

    S

  • Katie March 28, 2018, 7:04 pm

    Talk about inventing problems.

  • Maggie March 28, 2018, 9:40 pm

    You chased her. You chased her HARD. Why didn’t you approach the groom? These days it’s easy to contact people (or track them if you don’t have details). Instead you went back time and time again to someone who was snubbing you. I wonder why.

    • Melissa April 9, 2018, 12:41 pm

      I really don’t think this was a “snub” to begin with, just garden-variety forgetfulness, but I really don’t think asking for something twice is chasing someone HARD. Twice would be my limit though; asking once is kind of necessary, and one reminder, then I’d be done.

  • Rinme March 29, 2018, 12:46 am

    That’s such weird behavior that I don’t know what to say.

    Maybe she just felt awkward about her brother & OP not being invited to the wedding? Mabe there’s some wedding drama going on? In any case… weird.

  • Rebecca March 29, 2018, 1:21 am

    She should have replied right away, the first time, but I am not so sure I’d be offended by having to check where to send it, and then following up a few days later. Maybe there are logistics you don’t know about. For example, maybe they are going to be away from their apartment for a while and not able to receive packages there. Where I live, there might be an attempted delivery to the apartment and if no answer it goes and sits in the post office, and if nobody is able to collect it in a reasonable time, then it’s returned to the sender.

    In my case, parcels are left on the doorstep by the postman, and if I’m out all day I’m rather uncomfortable knowing that something of value is sitting out on the porch. Thieves have been known to go around stealing people’s Amazon packages that have been left on doorsteps. Perhaps the mother just wanted to check where the best place was to send it, that somebody might be around to receive a parcel and not risk it going missing.

  • NostalgicGal March 29, 2018, 1:57 am

    A small part wonders if she didn’t want to keep the silver herself… or maybe there had been some family dynamics already and giving forth with an address she was afraid of last minute drop ins expecting to stay… give the benefit of the doubt, send the gift. Wish them well.

  • SS March 29, 2018, 9:00 am

    I read this as the OP being a little oversensitive. It is 1 month before the wedding. They don’t know exactly when you plan to send it, and through what delivery service. So will it arrive before the wedding or while they are gone on their honeymoon. Do they want heirloom silver just sitting somewhere on a porch while they are gone? Or even to have it delivered somewhere while the person is at work so it sits outside at risk of being stolen? It would be safer to ask around to see if someone has a more secure delivery location (ie – a building package room at a condo/apartment or someone at a regular house who is normally home all day). Do they want a relative to receive it and hold on to it? If it does go to a relative before the wedding and they want it taken to the wedding, which relative has the room to take it with them to the ceremony with everything else they might be lugging (full car of family, already full of other wedding presents, food, supplies, decorations, or even if they have a vehicle instead of taking a public transit to the wedding, etc…)? With regular wedding gifts, if something goes wrong or it is stolen from the porch of wherever it was delivered, the store can replace it but this is an irreplaceable family heirloom so they want to make sure that a person will be around to receive it when it is delivered.

    • SS March 29, 2018, 9:10 am

      Adding on to this… frequently gifts will be sent to one spot to be held until after the wedding and then the bride/groom get together with close family to open the gifts after the wedding (either the morning after or once they return from the honeymoon). The mother could have been wanting to check if the son/daughter wanted to receive it early instead of storing it with the rest of the gifts.

  • Livvy17 March 29, 2018, 9:44 am

    I’m sorry that your feelings were hurt OP, but I don’t think she was trying to prevent you from having her address, just trying to check to see where it would be most conveniently received. I share your frustration with the delays – it’s always off-putting to have to beg to send someone a gift, but as your correspondent wasn’t the recipient, I can see why she’d ask the intended recipient. I suppose the question is why you didn’t do so yourself. In any case, try to give your SIL the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she’s just trying not to add another thing to deal with to her son & FIL’s list of things to handle before the wedding. Maybe she was trying to make sure the package went somewhere that a person would be home to receive it….lots of thefts of packages from doorsteps these days.

  • shoegal March 29, 2018, 11:55 am

    It was very nice to offer the silver set as a gift especially to family members you aren’t close to. I do find it quite strange that you weren’t invited to this wedding but I’m sure I don’t know all the particulars. I also find it “strange” that your SIL hasn’t a clue where to have the gift sent but to be fair, I’m sure nobody knows what is going on with her mindset and perhaps there is a valid reason for this. Perhaps she contacted her son and fiance about where and they were dragging their heels about a reply. She thought it would be easier if she wasn’t the middle man but her son and fiance were is the middle of changing homes and they weren’t sure where they’d end up. Because of the long wait in the replies, my mind would have been churning out a whole crap load of unflattering excuses. She doesn’t want to invite me to the wedding – is afraid I’ll want an invitation, is afraid I’ll come to visit etc, etc. It sounds like a lovely idea to give this silver to the next generation – and it sounds as if your heart is in the right place – so try to give her the benefit of the doubt.

  • Ernie March 29, 2018, 1:11 pm

    Yes, it was rude to not get back with an address sooner, but…

    Maybe the son was in the middle of a move, and the MIL and mother of the groom don’t want to be responsible for a bunch of gifts. Everyone thinks to themselves “well, they could just take this one little thing to them for me”, but everyone forgets that when nine other people do this, it’s a burden.

  • Celestia March 29, 2018, 2:37 pm

    You listed three potential addresses, which explains to me exactly why she’d want to check with the couple which one she should give you to use. I honestly don’t understand from this description why it hurt your feelings so badly.

  • Victoria March 29, 2018, 3:42 pm

    I think you’re reading way too much into this, and seeing offense when there isn’t any.

    She wanted to check with her son to find out where he and his soon-to-be wife wanted the gift shipped. How does that translate into avoiding giving you an address in case you stop by from 3000 miles away?

    Maybe wedding gifts are being shipped to the new wife’s parent’s house, and SIL didn’t have the address. Maybe the son and DIL just moved in together and she didn’t have the address memorized. Maybe SIL was very busy helping with the wedding prep and a facebook message from someone she rarely talks to slipped her mind.

    There are way too many different reasons she needed to check on where to send the gift, and I seriously doubt it’s because she thought you were going to book a 5 hour flight so you could stop by without asking first.

    Heck, maybe she was offended that you didn’t already know her address. In 17 years you’ve never even sent a Christmas card?

  • Kat March 29, 2018, 7:22 pm

    I get why you’re irritated, but it sounds like a misunderstanding. Since she did get back to you, I’d let it go.

  • Christina March 30, 2018, 9:09 am

    My more even tempered partner always cautions me to never assume malice when some other explanation will do. Maybe future MIL has been dinged by bride and groom for willy nilly giving out their address or she’s overwhelmed by wedding planning and a HUGE milestone in her kid’s life or another of a gazillion reasons that have nothing to do with you.
    Heck, maybe she’s a combo of frazzled, forgetful, and rude. Still doesn’t mean that she’s worried about giving you the address or means anything personal about you.

  • WendyB March 30, 2018, 4:08 pm

    Maybe she was checking to see if her son would prefer to have it sent to his place or hers. It’s quite possible that his address was in flux at the time and she wanted to make sure which would be easier. I doubt any insult was intended.

  • sylvie March 30, 2018, 7:35 pm

    Good on you for wanting to pass on family heirlooms. Don’t beat up on the mother of the groom so much. Yes she was slow in responding, but this wedding might be a first for her, and she is probably feeling a lot of pressure. Parents of a wedding couple have a lot of stuff expected of them and I’m quite sure she wasn’t trying to insult you by failing to provide an address in a timely manner.

  • NicoleK March 31, 2018, 1:25 pm

    OK, myy guess it was less about her not wanting you to have her address, and more, when you marry, you do have to decide where to send the stuff… are they moving somewhere new? Do they have an address yet? If not it should go to the Mom’s to wait, but silver is heavy so if it can be sent to the right place yadda yadda yadda

  • Katie April 2, 2018, 8:25 am

    So you considered punishing the son because his mother didn’t reply to you? Why didn’t you contact him and ask where you could send a wedding gift? You threw out three possibilities about where it might be sent, so why is it unreasonable that she wanted to check with her son about which of these places he wanted to receive the gift? I really wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that she just didn’t want you to have her address, unless there’s some history here that you aren’t including. It’s a little rude that she didn’t follow up to your question the first time, but if someone has an important question for me and want an immediate answer, I expect them to just call me instead.

  • ErindV April 2, 2018, 10:46 am

    I’ve read this post 3 times now and I’m still bewildered how the OP managed to leap to the conclusion that the SIL wasn’t willing to provide her address for delivery of a wedding gift for her child because SIL was trying to withhold her physical location from OP. Either there is some backstory that we’re missing, or OP is reading way too much into this! The most likely explanation is that the SIL just doesn’t want to serve as a freight depot for her kid’s wedding presents. That isn’t an unreasonable position. Wedding gifts that are being shipped are often are purchased through a registry, which has the shipping address the bride and groom have chosen programmed in. I’m not surprised that SIL doesn’t know their shipping address off the top of her head, especially if they currently have two residences and are moving after the wedding. She probably meant to ask them and get back to OP and then forgot about it. That’s a mistake on her part, but not one that warrants the flip out that OP seems to be having.

  • Kimstu April 2, 2018, 6:51 pm

    Wow, if this family set is actual vintage sterling flatware, we could be talking hundreds or thousands of dollars of value here. Anybody else wondering if SIL’s enthusiastic response was perhaps more about getting this valuable property into her immediate family somehow than about whether her son and his bride actually want to own it, maintain it and pass it down?

    My (minimally informed outsider’s) take on the address issue is simply that SIL probably didn’t get around to checking with her son until some days after the last conversation with LW, and did not want to deal with the parcel at her own address if there was a chance that her son wanted it sent elsewhere.

    In my book, SIL so far has not been guilty of actual rudeness, although it was rather inconsiderate of her not to get back to LW more promptly when her son was being offered such a generous and significant gift. (Six weeks before a son’s wedding can admittedly be a fairly hectic time, though.) LW perhaps should have contacted the bridegroom directly, instead of the bridegroom’s mother, and let him tell LW up front whether he wanted the silver or not.

    Anyway, LW is now duty bound to ship the silver to SIL, with gracious good wishes for nephew’s wedding, and hope that said nephew and bride do in fact want it and receive it. Idealistic Me says that no doubt after things have settled down a bit from the wedding flurry, LW and spouse will receive a lovely grateful note from the bridal couple saying how much they appreciate the wonderful gift and how they’ll cherish it as a family heirloom. Cynical Me says, don’t hold your breath for the thank-you letter and don’t be surprised if it turns out the bridal couple never wanted the silver in the first place and SIL simply sold it or gave it away elsewhere.

  • Kat April 4, 2018, 6:31 pm

    …or she just hadn’t yet had a chance to ask the couple where they wanted it sent, in the midst of all the wedding preparation. Gods forbid they should have higher priorities just a few weeks before the wedding?

    What a weird thing to get miffed about.

  • Michelle April 9, 2018, 12:39 pm

    It could be as other commenters have stated: Busy time right before wedding and it simply slipped her mind. Although after re-reading the post I would say there may be more background that was not included. Even though the OP’s husband is not close to his sibling, they had to find out that their nephew was getting married via Facebook? I’m not knocking Facebook, but it seems strange they did not get a text, email or phone call about the impending marriage. I’m not super close to my brother but if his child got married, I’m sure I would get at least a phone call or email about it.

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