This is a bit of a long story; I’ll try to keep it as short as possible without omitting anything relevant.
I met my husband eight years ago. We were on a work trip, it was as if we’d known each other forever, and we just clicked. He took a transfer to my city six weeks later and we were engaged within five months.
My mom is a miserable person. She’s got a drinking problem and a (undiagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder. She’d left my dad for another man and was incredibly bitter at the fact that my dad moved on and remarried while her new relationship was unstable at best.
Now DH is a very attractive man and I’m pretty and I’m plus sized. My mom was absolutely convinced that this guy couldn’t actually love me and my then size fourteen hips. He must have been a shady character who was using me as a place to stay while he settled into his new city and found someone “better”.
Our engagement lasted two years and, during that time, my mom could never decide whether she wanted to be our biggest supporter or our worst nightmare.
I’d found my dress already and had put off buying it because I wanted my mom to see it first. She was in my city for another family event and she grudgingly agreed to come along if she could bring my aunt. Now my aunt was great! It turns out that my cousin had gotten her dress from the same shop and the same saleswoman and we had SO much fun! My mom suggested that I ask my aunt to help with my train once I’d walked into the ceremony and my aunt was thrilled! She threw her arms around me and happily agreed. And then my mom hugged me and whispered that there was “no f**king way” my aunt would come near my dress. Ummm what?
We’d decided to have a slight vintage theme to our wedding and people kept asking what they should wear. We’d made a wedding website with information about things to do in the city, places to eat, wedding menus, etc. After numerous “what do I wear” questions, we added an attire section. We basically said to have fun, wear whatever struck your fancy (as long as it’s not jeans and a t shirt hahaha). My mom threw a fit over this. Apparently her BF always wears jeans and denim shirts and he would be gravely offended if he knew that we had a “dress code”. A comment like that would make him feel personally uninvited. At this point, I knew this guy well and I don’t doubt for a second that he would have dressed appropriately. DH and I both tried to reason with her and explain that this was a semi formal, evening wedding. No one would be wearing jeans. We thought this was the end of it.
One day, about eight months before the wedding, my mom called to ask if DH had ever been bankrupt. I said no and asked why she wanted to know. She said it was just idle curiosity and ended the call. I called her back and asked again why she wanted to know and she said that it was nothing. DH and I were both a bit perplexed but we soon forgot about it.
A few weeks later, I got a text message from my brother demanding that I call off the wedding. According to him, I was marrying a liar. He refused to tell me what this was all about and insisted that I just trust him. DH called him and he told DH that he “had no respect for him at all”. All he would say is that our mom told him the truth about DH.
It turns out that my mom had found a website that allowed users to search provincial (Canadian) court documents by name. She’d found bankruptcy papers with DH’s name on them. When I’d told her that DH had never been bankrupt, she sent the full report that she’d actually paid for to my brother. Only she’d misspelled DH’s name in her search and the report she’d gotten was for someone else. We tried to explain this to her and she refused to believe us. We pointed out that he’s got a very common name and that, yes, the odds of someone in his former city sharing a similar name were high. She still didn’t believe us. I asked her why she hadn’t just come to me directly instead of playing games and involving other people and she hung up on me.
I’d put my mom on my cellphone plan ages before to help her save money and she didn’t realize that we had detailed billing. I began to notice odd numbers and I just knew she was up to something new. I ran the numbers in my system (I worked for the phone company). She was calling other men who shared DH’s name. I confronted her with all of this and asked why she was behaving so horribly. She explained that I’d acted like her BF wasn’t good enough and she wanted to show me that DH “wasn’t so great either”.
A few weeks passed and she sent a huge floral arrangement to my office for my birthday. She didn’t apologize but she asked to still attend the wedding and said that she would even stand in a corner in the back as long as she could see me get married. We forgave her and told her that she would be welcome. She told us not to bother inviting her BF because we’d insulted him terribly. Ummm OK. We’d go along and focus on having a beautiful day.
A few more weeks passed and my mom began to ask questions about my dad and his wife. Now they have a pretty awful relationship because my mom loves to antagonize my dad’s wife. My dad had made one request: that he and my mom not be forced together at any point and that he be able to keep his distance from her. I completely understood. We agreed that he and his wife and SD would sit in the front row on the “bride’s side” and that my mom would sit in the second row with my aunt. Our venue was tiny – four seats to a row and two rows.
My mom lost her mind when she heard this. Apparently this was HER day and she absolutely needed to sit in HER spot because I am HER daughter. She had been putting in all sorts of efforts to look “hot” and she wanted to be seen. We explained that my dad didn’t want to sit with her and that, since he was walking me in and he’d always been completely supportive of us, he was sitting there. End of discussion. She threatened not to come. OK. And then she relented. I explained to her that my dad would get the “good” seat (her words) at the ceremony and that she’d be sitting at the table closest to the head table at the reception.
A week before, she suddenly decided that her best friend absolutely must be in attendance. Our wedding was small but we could make room for one more. I rushed an invitation to her, changed the seating charts, made another wedding favour, etc. And then she also wanted her friend’s son to attend. Hmmm. This was a guy I’d grown up with and nearly dated. Apparently he still had strong feelings for me. But he wanted to be there so I and made more adjustments. And then found out that neither of them were even in town and would not be able to attend and my mom knew this already.
We got married in a large hotel. Most of our guests opted to stay there and I booked rooms for my parents. I specifically requested that their rooms be kept as far apart as possible. The hotel staff were great and they booked a room for my mom on the top floor and one for my dad and his family on the lowest floor. I didn’t tell my mom about these arrangements and I did tell my dad. He was very grateful.
We had arranged to have a large family dinner at the hotel the night before the wedding. DH’s parents and brother would be there as would my dad, his family, and my mom. Imagine my surprise when we walked in to discover that my mom and dad were sitting together and chatting! My dad’s wife looked upset and my dad looked awkward. Apparently my mom had arrived at the dinner early and had directed people where to sit. My dad and his wife thought that we’d overlooked something. I also discovered that there had been a problem with my mom’s room and she had desperately needed to be moved to another room . . . right beside my dad’s. She acted surprised but, after a few glasses of wine, she told me what she’d demanded from the desk staff. The list of requests she had (lowest floor, no corners, etc) made it nearly impossible to place her anywhere but close to him. Ugh. My dad’s wife was livid.
The day of the wedding, my mom disappeared to have a spa day to herself. OK. She refused to spend any time with me or my ladies while we got ready and opted to be alone.
I’d asked a BM who my mom knew and liked if she would help to keep an eye on my mom at the wedding. I also asked my aunt and uncle to watch out for her. She gave a lovely toast (and gloated that she’d gotten to speak before my dad did) and then proceeded to get absolutely wasted. She spent the evening loudly saying that my dad and his wife needed to get a room when they danced and hitting on our best man in front of his fiancé. Thankfully, they both just thought she was a hilarious, drunk cougar and didn’t take her seriously.
The next morning, she woke us up early to insist that we needed to get our gifts out of her car before she left. She had offered me a set of my grandma’s china and I was thrilled! At one point, she’d asked if I wanted two large pieces of framed art; one from her home and one from my grandma’s. I thanked her and declined because our home was small and they didn’t go with our decor at all. These were never mentioned as potential gifts. But lo and behold! She’d wrapped them and presented them as our wedding gifts! We couldn’t decline gifts, right? I didn’t know that gifting was a method of weeding out unwanted household items that were bought from the Home Shopping Channel a few years earlier; apparently one just calls them heirlooms?
Last year my mom’s antics proved to be too much and we finally needed to sever ties with her when she began drunk dialing me at work. Her response? She began prank calling us. We finally needed to ask for police intervention.
Thank you for letting me vent. 0417-18