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Wedding Wednesday – The Premature RSVP Trackers

I was recently invited to a wedding of an acquaintance who I had previously been close to, but we had drifted apart over time so I was surprised to get an invitation considering I’d never met the groom.

This wedding will be the bride’s third and groom’s second and due to blended families, custody arrangements and holiday time will take place the week between Christmas and New Year. The wedding will also be at the same venue where I got married 3 years ago where the bride was a guest. I thought that was a bit strange but they say imitation is the highest form of flattery.

For a number of reasons I was going to politely decline. The time of year and the cost involved vs my relationship with the couple were big factors. E-hell has taught me an invitation is not a summons. The invitation included a RSVP card but no return envelope so I was planning on sending a wedding card with the RSVP inside.

Three weeks before the RSVP date, the groom created a Facebook messenger group chat (the bride added me as I’m not friends with the groom) and for the purpose of chasing up RSVPs. A mutual friend and I were not impressed with this because it presumed we would be rude and wouldn’t RSVP and a group ‘conversation’ wasn’t really the place where we wanted to respond.

This also caused problems for the happy couple as the conversation thread had responses where some people confirmed they would be coming along with their children. The bride had indicated to me it was just DH and I invited, not my kids. The bride then had to write a response hoping not to offend anyone but that only the children of interstate guests and the bridal party were invited due to high travel and accommodation costs at that time of year. She also hoped that local guests would be able to find a babysitter for one night but if it was a problem then we could ‘work something out’. At my wedding the bride’s children were fed and looked after in an adjacent room by a babysitter I’d organised.

I didn’t respond to the group message and sent my RSVP in a congratulatory wedding card as originally intended. 1117-17

It can be controversial as to the appropriateness of tracking down missing RSVPs.   You shouldn’t  have to track down invited guests who did not RSVP. The assumption is that they are not coming to the wedding and tracking them down can be viewed as manipulative or pushy.   On the other hand, too many of us have seen weddings where guests who did not RSVP and so catering and seating were decided based on the assumption.  And those guests show up exclaiming, “I thought you knew I’d come.”  As if hosts are psychic and can read minds.

The egregious faux pas in this story is the creation of a Facebook chat group thus exposing everyone on it as being the rude wedding guests who havn’t RSVPed yet.   If you have track them down, do it privately either private message, email or phone call.   Three weeks before the wedding is probably too premature to be tracking down RSVPs.  Caterers need a week’s notice of guest numbers, typically, so starting 2 weeks before the wedding is usual.

{ 45 comments }
{ 45 comments… add one }
  • JD May 23, 2018, 8:54 am

    I read this that the Facebook chat was created three weeks before the RSVP date, not the wedding date, making the bridal couple a bit premature to start asking for responses.

  • Kate May 23, 2018, 9:13 am

    “The wedding will also be at the same venue where I got married 3 years ago where the bride was a guest. I thought that was a bit strange but they say imitation is the highest form of flattery.”

    Are you kidding me? Wedding venues aren’t paper plates. They can be used more than once. I literally cannot understand why anyone would find this strange.

    • Miss-E May 23, 2018, 6:43 pm

      Lol I was coming here to comment the exact same thing. Even if the bride picked it because she enjoyed it at the OPs wedding that doesn’t exactly constitute “imitation”. So bizarre

    • gmc May 24, 2018, 6:54 am

      We recently had a wedding for our daughter at the same venue that our neighbor had used a year earlier for the wedding of their own daughter. I don’t find anything odd with using the same venue. We choose the facility because it had served our neighbor very well (we had a great time at their daughter’s wedding), and recommended it to our daughter, who decided to use it as well. Not only did everyone have a great time at our daughter’s event, but we could not think of *anything* that had gone wrong that day. Great success!

    • MelEtiquette May 24, 2018, 9:40 am

      Seriously, there’s no such thing as permanent dibs on a wedding venue. I know about 6 couples who have held their wedding reception in the same venue. You used it 3 years ago and you’re done with it now. It’s not off limits in perpetuity to any of your guests.

    • A different Tracy May 24, 2018, 2:01 pm

      A woman who attends my church decided to get married in the same church I did! Can you believe that?

      (Yeah, I thought that comment was bizarre as well.)

    • Becca May 24, 2018, 11:23 pm

      Came here to say the same thing! Me and at least 7 other couples I know got married at the same venue (church – most of us had our receptions there, also). Everyone was able to make it totally their own and totally different.

    • NostalgicGal May 25, 2018, 1:05 am

      There are a lot of people that hire a venue, and come by before their event but not AT THE TIME they booked, to show it to someone else, and toss an unholy fit because there’s something else booked in there using the space. Um, no, unless you BOUGHT the venue it’s only yours to use at the time you rented it. Before and after it’s anyone else’s that wants to book and pay for it.

    • Kate May 26, 2018, 7:05 am

      Yes, I raised an eyebrow at that as well as “my kids aren’t invited to this wedding but the bride’s kids came to mine”. It’s not tit for tat. Everyone’s wedding budget is different and perhaps this couple simply can not afford babysitting for dozens of guests’ kids.

    • Pame May 26, 2018, 5:00 pm

      I lost all alliance to the OP based on that one statement.

      The OP should also recognize that an included RSVP card and envelope was a last resort of couple hoping to make it easier for people to RSVP. They are NOT a required component of a wedding invitation.
      As far as the FB messenger group, I can’t see why anyone would jump to assume they created it because they assumed people wouldn’t rsvp. It jus seems like they decided to add an additional avenue to assist with RSVP’s.

      It is unfortunate that it highlighted the fact that some “full families” were invited while others did not extend the invitation to all offspring.

    • TootsNYC May 28, 2018, 3:37 pm

      Ditto.

      I mean, there are only so many wedding venues in any given location!

      The couple probably doesn’t even remember that your wedding was there, and they may have been to other weddings held at the same place.

    • ddwwylm May 29, 2018, 12:29 pm

      My husband and I were invited to a wedding a couple years ago at the same location as our wedding years prior. We loved it. It was nice seeing how the facility had been changed and upgraded and it was nostalgic to attend a wedding and reminisce about our own.
      Wedding venues tend to be booked up all weekend every weekend up to years in advance, so I also find it very odd to be so smug about someone else using the same wedding venue. While it was unfortunate for the couple that the facebook chat created drama about the invitation of children, none of the people invited were owed invitations to their children. Just because someone else’s children were invited does not obligate the couple to invite all children of guests. the OP seemed rather competitive with the bride over snarking about her wedding venue and mentioning that she had provided babysitters for children,.

    • Lou May 31, 2018, 7:12 am

      While my husband’s sister was planning her first wedding, she made a very dramatic announcement over Sunday lunch that they had ‘finally’ settled on a venue, and started passing brochures around so we could all admire it. At which point I demonstrated my skill at inserting my extremely large foot into my even bigger mouth, and mentioned that I’d been to a friend’s wedding at the same venue a couple of years earlier. She was so annoyed she turned purple. I didn’t understand her attitude then and I still don’t – she genuinely wanted to imagine that she was the only bride ever to get married at that particular venue.

  • Anon May 23, 2018, 9:39 am

    The bride’s position on children seems entirely reasonable to me. It is quite generous of the LW to have invited children to her wedding, to have fed them and provided a babysitter so their parents could enjoy the evening. But it is certainly not expected, and it is not rude to not provide those accommodations. I know some people get annoyed when some children are treated differently than others, but to me it makes sense that people traveling from a distance would be accommodated differently than people who live locally and do have regular babysitters they can call on.

  • Skaramouche May 23, 2018, 9:43 am

    Agree 100% with Ms. Jeanne but I believe the RSVP “check-in” happened 3 weeks before the date to RSVP, not 3 weeks before the wedding.

    • admin May 23, 2018, 1:57 pm

      Yes, I missed that.

  • Dee May 23, 2018, 9:56 am

    OP, are you looking for problems? Because right off the bat you seem to want to find problems where there aren’t any. The couple chose the same venue you used for your wedding. So what? I can’t come up with any scenario where that needs mentioning at all, never mind where there might be a faux pas hidden in there somewhere.

    You provided food and a sitter for your friend’s children at your wedding. That sounds like a workable solution to a number of issues, but it certainly wasn’t necessary. So why are you using it as an etiquette example in comparing your festivities with this bridal couple’s? Again, I can’t see even a teeny etiquette gaff on the part of the bridal couple. What, exactly, are you trying to point out?

    And what does it matter whether it’s the bride’s first wedding or her 25th? What does that have to do with anything in this situation?

    And what is your point? That the couple chased people down for RSVPs, but you don’t say how long the invitations had already been sent out, only that there were three more weeks to go before the RSVP due date. If you know anything about etiquette it’s not that you are to RSVP before the deadline but that you are to RSVP asap. In fact, there’s not supposed to be a deadline, since guests are required to get those replies out at the first moment they know if they will be attending or not, and to do their utmost to determine that in as quick a fashion as possible. There isn’t even supposed to be a formal RSVP, as it is a guest’s complete responsibility to respond without prompting or a special card provided for their use.

    So how long had this couple been waiting for RSVPs and not received many (if any)? You’ve included lots of stuff in this story that is irrelevant but does seem intended to make the couple look … well, not so good … but that important detail that may have explained their behaviour? Nope, you left that out.

    You got an invitation to an event you don’t want to go to. You aren’t crazy about the bride (that’s obvious) and you don’t understand how somehow you aren’t close to sends you an invitation to her wedding (and yet you spent a lot of effort to provide accommodation and care for her children, just hers, at your wedding – that doesn’t sound like just ‘an acquaintance’). It sounds like you made the decision to decline fairly quickly. So, did you send off that RSVP as soon as you knew? No? Then that’s the problem here. The couple should have chosen a better route than social media to try to get their guests to behave appropriately, but that’s about all that can be said about their behaviour so far, at least as far as your letter goes.

    Maybe you’re doing them a favour by not attending, though, since your attitude is not exactly one of joy for the couple. And that’s your prerogative. But unnecessarily (and unsuccessfully) trying to paint the couple in a light that reflects poorly on them but well on you? That’s an etiquette issue, right there. And a behavioural one.

    • staceyizme May 23, 2018, 10:34 am

      I agree. Who cares how many times the bride and groom have been married and whether or not they have started a Facebook page to track RSVP’s? It’s opened up a can of worms because some guests are inconsiderate by declining to RSVP or by attempting to add uninvited guests. And what’s with the whole “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” spiel? She used the same venue that you did. However, nobody is going to be confused as to who the bride and groom are. I can’t see any reason to metaphorically clutch at your pearls and lose consciousness. Just decline and be done with it. I’ll admit that comparing weddings is something brides do (both the now-married and the going-to-be-married). We’ve all had our social media somewhat cluttered by hundreds of photos from such events and had a recap on the first anniversary (or two!). But this post seems like a bit much in the comparison department and you’ve gone from “oh, how awkward for her to have to debate with guests on Facebook” to some version of “she’s not really quite as capable as I am, (I arranged childcare and certainly didn’t use Facebook to track attendance for my wedding…)”.

      • Annonn May 23, 2018, 11:20 am

        I think you both attacked this OP. Should she have mentioned the venue, probably not, but don’t track down people on FB for RSVP’s – ESPECIALLY when you have invited “some” guests with kids, and “some” without. Location shouldn’t matter…….either kids are or aren’t invited.
        They way I read it……third marriage, at a “wedding venue” seems over the top. Have a simple ceremony and a few guests. Send me to e-hell, but I don’t think three “Weddings” are necessary, especially if people went to the first two……and now again, go and give a gift…….
        Lastly, three weeks BEFORE an RSVP date and you are looking to people for a response. Etiquette may say to respond ASAP, but sometimes people can’t whether it’s plans already made, day care issues, cost, or any other number of things. If you give an RSVP date, they *should* respond by that date. They aren’t required to send response back immediately if there are other things to consider in the decision making.
        Just my opinion………..

        • Dee May 23, 2018, 6:01 pm

          The OP doesn’t seem to have an etiquette question as much as she seems to want to simply diss the bride and/or groom and their plans. None of what the couple did/is doing affects the OP or anyone else, unless they are really hounding for RSVPs shortly after they were mailed. The OP, however, doesn’t tell us how long those RSVPs have been in the hands of the guests, so it may very well be that they were mailed out long ago and the lack of replies heightened the couple’s anxiety. And that’s between the couple and those they are asking for replies.

          You think I’m attacking the OP but there you are, judging the bridal couple for their choice to have a wedding venue for a third marriage, or even having a third wedding at all! What’s it to you, or even the OP if it doesn’t affect her? It’s not a problem for anyone so why make it a problem?

          You can say “just my opinion” but you don’t seem to want to let others have theirs.

    • Leigh May 23, 2018, 10:49 am

      This is the second post I’ve seen recently from you, Dee, that attacks the OP.

      The story does specifically state that the FB notifications were sent out three weeks BEFORE the requested RSVP date included on the invitation. So they hadn’t been waiting very long.

      I think the point the OP was making about multiple weddings was not to disparage the bride or groom, but point out that perhaps by now, they might, possibly, maybe, should know what to expect and when to expect it or maybe chill out a bit before harassing people online three weeks before they even requested people RSVP.

      • admin May 23, 2018, 1:56 pm

        “I think the point the OP was making about multiple weddings was not to disparage the bride or groom, but point out that perhaps by now, they might, possibly, maybe, should know what to expect and when to expect it or maybe chill out a bit before harassing people online three weeks before they even requested people RSVP.”

        And that is a really good point.

      • Devin May 24, 2018, 7:43 am

        Other side of the coin; Because they’ve each had multiple weddings, they may know how much of a hassel it has been in the past to track people down for their RSVPs. I think they made a misstep when they made the Check-In a group message, but they probably thought they were saving themselves time getting ahead of the RSVP delays.

        • Leigh May 25, 2018, 8:53 am

          But why put a date on your RSVP and then start “tracking people down” 3 weeks before the date you put on the RSVP?

          Nope. If you want RSVPs sooner, add an earlier date, but don’t start harassing people and assuming they won’t follow up before you’ve even given them a chance. In essence, the FB group was saying, “You people obviously won’t RSVP by the date I asked, and I’m not going to wait.” That’s presumptive and rude.

    • Miss-E May 23, 2018, 6:49 pm

      I’m with you, Dee. The group message RSVP thing was not cool. (Would it be so hard to send individual FB messages?) but otherwise the OP comes off as rather catty. Making a fuss over nothing. The venue comment in particular threw me off. It’s like that starbucks story, can’t you state a problem without throwing shade as people?

  • Devin May 23, 2018, 11:22 am

    I don’t see using an instant messenger service to track down RSVPs as an etiquette blunder, but probably caused more problems for the couple than individual messanges would have been. Getting into the whole who can bring children over a group message could get sticky and cause hurt feelings, and how hard is copy and paste?
    My only thought of an etiquette blunder was not including a return card for the RSVP, unless the RSVP was a postcard itself. Since the advent of email and online bill pay, many of us don’t keep a book of stamps handy.
    OP I get you’re trying to paint a picture, but you do seem to be trying to paint a more negative picture of the couple than their possibly minor blunder deserves.

    • TootsNYC May 28, 2018, 6:29 pm

      Devin wrote, “Since the advent of email and online bill pay, many of us don’t keep a book of stamps handy.”

      I’m personally of the opinion that “having a stamp” is something that life requires of us. Like toilet paper and clothing suitable for a funeral.

      Sure, a person might run out now and then, but it’s perfectly fair of the rest of the world to assume that if you need a stamp / roll of TP / dark suit, that you will take the (relatively simple) steps to get one.
      In the age of the Internet, you can buy stamps online. And I can buy them at the corner deli here in NYC; I know my mom used to be able to buy them at Walgreen’s (or the equivalent) in the midwest.

  • Ernie May 23, 2018, 11:22 am

    Is it possible that the groom created the facebook chat to chase down RSVPs because he realized that they didn’t include a return card with the invitation?

    Also, the chat didn’t create a problem for the couple when people mentioned bringing their kids. That is a problem caused by the people who presumed that their kids were invited despite not being on the invitation. I don’t know a good work around for this that is within etiquette. At our wedding, we put it on a website and got it out by word of mouth that no children were invited. I know this is against etiquette, but in our defense, examples like OP’s here prove that something has to be said at some point since many guests choose not to adhere to etiquette themselves, and just inviting people by name doesn’t work. I wish everyone read this website, but that’s not the case.

    Last, most wedding venues in my area are booked every Saturday, so a wedding of a friend being at the same place as yours three years later really can’t be that much of a shock or “imitation” can it? Wedding venues are wedding venues for a reason. Most weddings that I’ve been to have had a kiss, cake, music, and champagne toast. Unoriginal yes, but hardly “imitation” of one specific wedding.

  • Jen May 23, 2018, 12:39 pm

    She said 3 weeks before the RSVP due date, not three weeks before the wedding.

    • admin May 23, 2018, 1:53 pm

      Good catch. I missed that. That makes it even more odd since RSVp due dates can be a month before the wedding.

  • Margo May 23, 2018, 12:54 pm

    Yes, I agree that the couple haven’t done anything wrong.
    – they picked a date and location for their wedding that suited them. I’m sure that lots of other people have used the same wedding venue, there’s no reason to suppose it has anything to do with the LW having got married there, or that it would be questionable if it did.

    – they didn’t chose to provide babysitting, and let guests who tried to add extra people to their guest list by replying on behalf of children who weren’t invited, that this wasn’t going to be possible.
    – they started to followup on replies having not heard back.

    Unless the content of their messages were rude, there’s nothing to object to.

    And since LW had already decided not to go, then it would have been more polite for them to have sent back their response sooner rather than later.

    I don’t think that the couple had any obligation to include a stamped or reply paid envelope. People may not all keep stamps to hand but it isn’t as though they are hard to get hold of.

  • PJ May 23, 2018, 1:06 pm

    I agree with others that some of this story is just noise. Wedding venues are used for many many weddings over the course of a year, and seeing someone using “your” venue is just a coincidence. Inviting a once-close friend to a wedding, especially if the couple is a the-more-the-merrier type, is also common.

    The couple’s missteps were in the facebook situation. Publicly chasing down RSVPs 3 weeks before the ‘due date’ is an unfriendly approach, and too soon. The couple was fine in choosing the invited children by some set of rules that they applied equally, IMO. Guests should not be taking it upon themselves to increase the guest list with their own children or questioning why their own kids weren’t so favored as to get an invitation.

    As for the childcare, OP’s offering childcare for kids at her/his wedding is a kindness to some guests, but absolutely not required, and it is not a mark against the bride and groom to not provide it. It is the responsibility of parents to see that their child is cared-for in any circumstance. The HC should not feel like they need to take on that responsibility. On top of that, as a parent, I may not care for the type of child care or the age of providers or the carer-to-child ratio that is offered. I would resent being put on the spot or hearing the suggestion that child care isn’t an excuse for me to decline because it is being provided. IOW, I strongly prefer that you leave my parenting choices up to me– the parent– it is not a favor to me to arrange child care that I’m not familiar with.

    So, yeah, if the OP had weeded out all of the things the HC did that OP didn’t like, and kept it to the thinks that the HC did that were actually a breach of etiquette, I’d be quite a bit more understanding of the situation.

    OP was perfectly fine to ignore facebook, and send her RSVP/regrets in a card. From then on, just let it go. The HC does things differently, and that’s OK.

  • Cheryl May 23, 2018, 3:14 pm

    In the build-up to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding, PBS ran a nightly series the week before the wedding talking about customs, attire of guests and speculation on the wedding dress and which uniform Harry would wear, etc. In the episode on etiquette, the hosts of the show mentioned if you hadn’t turned in your RSVP by now, not to bother; there would be no seat for you. They told the story of the king of Cambodia(?) who had not RSVP’d for Prince William and Kate’s marriage and was told politely he would have to go somewhere and watch it on TV when he showed up at the venue, expecting a seat. A Lesson in why you should RSVP!

    On the other end of the spectrum, I RSVP’d yes for 2 people for the wedding of a co-worker. No problem, right? Well, the problem was, my parents were in town visiting over the holiday (Thanksgiving) and I and the plus one had intended only to attend the wedding–not the reception. I and my plus one (who happened to be my mother, not my DH as he hates these things, and Mom knew the bride also) realized our mistake as the bride was walking down the aisle. Since I didn’t want the bride to have to pay for two plates that would be wasted, we went to the reception and ate and stayed for a polite amount of time and went home to face the wrath of my father who had cooked supper and expected us home much earlier. He was so mad and hungry we didn’t dare admit we were full from the reception and just ate some supper and suffered the being stuffed feeling.

  • Bea May 23, 2018, 3:20 pm

    You invited her to your wedding 3 years ago. That’s not an awful long time, so why is it shocking and invited you to hers unless there was a falling out involved? I don’t understand that surprise at all.

    Everyone has a different budget. You know arranging for child care the day of the wedding is an added expense. I appreciate you sprung for it but she’s clearly got a different set of priorities and that’s cool too.

    I think this woman gets under your skin and so as an outsider it simply looks like she can do nothing right in your eyes.

  • Me May 23, 2018, 5:14 pm

    Another story with lots of information completely unnecessary.

    The venue comment… I took that it was a strange place for this couple to be married at, for reasons the OP didnt choose to provide(but still has no bearing on story)

    The Facebook chat for RSVP ers to respond is crazy. Why would you want people having to comment where others can see and possibly reply to. OP, I wouldn’t say a word on there either, it’s no one else’s business what the deal is with your RSVP.

    And weeks before the RSVP is even due? Wow. I wasn’t aware that you had to send back RSVPs ASAP, I just always made sure I send them back before the deadline.

    And to whoever made the comment earlier that RSVP return cards aren’t even necessary that you should just RSVP anyway, I would never have done that either. I would only RSVP if I was told to RSVP– otherwise I would assume it was a casual, open kind of party that didn’t matter how many were actually present.

  • MelEtiquette May 24, 2018, 9:53 am

    Whenever someone chases me down for an RSVP several weeks before the RSVP is due, I assume they have a B-list of guests they are waiting to invite if anyone from their A-list falls through. I see no other reason why they need to know that far in advance who is and isn’t coming. Some people like to respond to individual pieces of mail immediately as it comes in; others like to set it aside to deal with in a batch once or twice a month, with the only exception being if the deadline is urgent. I am the latter type of person, and I will respond to your RSVP by your stated deadline, but if it is so important to have a head count, say, 4 weeks ahead of the wedding instead of 1 week ahead, then make THAT your RSVP deadline so I know to respond more immediately.

  • Hick May 24, 2018, 1:10 pm

    I am wondering, not really having to do with OP, if you respond to a member of the HC in person or by phone and tell them you are coming (after having been invited of course) does that count as RSVP or must you send paper?

    • Margo May 25, 2018, 6:28 am

      I think it is generally more courteous to send paper. From a strict etiquette perspective, a formal invite should get a formal response, but more importantly, in practical terms it’s easy for a verbal message to get ‘lost’, especially for something such as a wedding where they are likely to be dealing with a lot of responses and lots of other organisation going on.

      If you can’t, for some reason, send a paper reply then I think it would be sensible to send at least a text or e-mail as well as the verbal reply, as at least that way you are not relyuing solely on someone to remember a verbal message!

      (Obviously there may be situations where it is not necessary – if you are an immediate family member or a member of the wedding party your relationship with the bride/groom may be close enough that there ‘s no chance of them forgetting, or that the chances of you *not* going are so small that the lack of a formal response won’t change anyone’s plans, but normally, yes, put it in writing, preferably in the same medium used for the invite (i.e paper for a paper invite, e-mail for an e-mail invite etc)

    • TootsNYC May 28, 2018, 3:41 pm

      Miss Manners actually once said that although she deplores the RSVP card (since guests should reply on their own stationery), that if it is needed or included, you should use it.

      That it’s most polite to reply using the method that the host prefers.

      And I know that I used the format of the reply cards to help in my paperwork–I sorted them into yes and no piles, and then used that to transfer the info to the spreadsheet, seating chart, etc.

  • pennywit May 25, 2018, 8:09 am

    At Pennywit Manor, once the highborn offspring reach a certain age, there are only two ways to control them. We either have to send them to war, or we have to marry them off. Otherwise, they stay in the Manor past the age of 15 and bother the servants. So we have plenty of weddings.

    Between executions, Bruno handles all social invitations. He will kindly ask for a response, then he will ax for a response. And he never has to ax again. A good headsmen helps to remind people of their social obligations.

    At the weddings, we firmly believe the children can take care of themselves. Those not of a suitable age are sent to the courtyard and told to find their own amusements. As is natural, the lowborn children must and meet any increasingly unreasonable (and impossible) demands given them by the highborn children. This will prepare the lowborn children for adult life.

    • Dee May 25, 2018, 11:43 am

      Pennywit Manor sounds like some places I’ve worked at. I never smile thinking back on those years in entry-level-slavery but your post has me grinning merrily. Such graphic descriptions are a delight to read, even though I’m sure I’d end up as one of Bruno’s tasks, being the uncouth peasant I am. I do enjoy my lowborn head attached to my lowborn neck, thank you very much, so I’d be grateful to not be graced with an invitation to your manor. Ouch.

  • Bernadette May 25, 2018, 8:39 am

    Not sure if anyone else picked this up – but who includes an RSVP response card without a return envelope? Perhaps the couple wasn’t getting the responses as quickly as they expected to because they failed to include the return envelopes?

    • TootsNYC May 28, 2018, 6:25 pm

      It’s not commonly done, but if you subscribe to the idea that the guest is responsible for RSVP’ing on their own stationery, then it’s not that bad to not include the envelopes.

      But I think if you’re going to do an RSVP card, you should do the envelopes as well.

  • TootsNYC May 28, 2018, 6:22 pm

    A cousin of mine did something interesting using Facebook.

    She had sent the invitation w/ RSVP card. But about a month before, she created a Facebook group an re-invited everyone. There wasn’t any “you haven’t RSVP’d yet”–it just seemed like a second, duplicate invitation method.

    And it jogged me into making my “I can’t afford to travel” decision final (I hadn’t RSVP’d right away because I was trying to talk myself into the expenditure of cash and vacation time).

    She did it about 1 week before the RSVP date.

    I didn’t see a lot of conversation on it–it wasn’t a nagging post, it was just a duplicated invitation.

    And so I got my RSVP in right away.

    I thought it was a clever way to remind people. And it would have given her a really easy way to follow up with people–one that might actually get them to click “yes” or “no.”

  • TootsNYC May 28, 2018, 6:24 pm

    Oh, and I’m not sure I agree with this part of the answer:
    “The egregious faux pas in this story is the creation of a Facebook chat group thus exposing everyone on it as being the rude wedding guests who havn’t RSVPed yet.”

    If everyone in the entire wedding was on the chat group, then there isn’t any finger-pointing. With the Facebook Event that my cousin created, as far as I could tell, everyone from the invitation list who was also on Facebook was included.

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