I was recently invited to a wedding of an acquaintance who I had previously been close to, but we had drifted apart over time so I was surprised to get an invitation considering I’d never met the groom.
This wedding will be the bride’s third and groom’s second and due to blended families, custody arrangements and holiday time will take place the week between Christmas and New Year. The wedding will also be at the same venue where I got married 3 years ago where the bride was a guest. I thought that was a bit strange but they say imitation is the highest form of flattery.
For a number of reasons I was going to politely decline. The time of year and the cost involved vs my relationship with the couple were big factors. E-hell has taught me an invitation is not a summons. The invitation included a RSVP card but no return envelope so I was planning on sending a wedding card with the RSVP inside.
Three weeks before the RSVP date, the groom created a Facebook messenger group chat (the bride added me as I’m not friends with the groom) and for the purpose of chasing up RSVPs. A mutual friend and I were not impressed with this because it presumed we would be rude and wouldn’t RSVP and a group ‘conversation’ wasn’t really the place where we wanted to respond.
This also caused problems for the happy couple as the conversation thread had responses where some people confirmed they would be coming along with their children. The bride had indicated to me it was just DH and I invited, not my kids. The bride then had to write a response hoping not to offend anyone but that only the children of interstate guests and the bridal party were invited due to high travel and accommodation costs at that time of year. She also hoped that local guests would be able to find a babysitter for one night but if it was a problem then we could ‘work something out’. At my wedding the bride’s children were fed and looked after in an adjacent room by a babysitter I’d organised.
I didn’t respond to the group message and sent my RSVP in a congratulatory wedding card as originally intended. 1117-17
It can be controversial as to the appropriateness of tracking down missing RSVPs. You shouldn’t have to track down invited guests who did not RSVP. The assumption is that they are not coming to the wedding and tracking them down can be viewed as manipulative or pushy. On the other hand, too many of us have seen weddings where guests who did not RSVP and so catering and seating were decided based on the assumption. And those guests show up exclaiming, “I thought you knew I’d come.” As if hosts are psychic and can read minds.
The egregious faux pas in this story is the creation of a Facebook chat group thus exposing everyone on it as being the rude wedding guests who havn’t RSVPed yet. If you have track them down, do it privately either private message, email or phone call. Three weeks before the wedding is probably too premature to be tracking down RSVPs. Caterers need a week’s notice of guest numbers, typically, so starting 2 weeks before the wedding is usual.