Money Makes the Wedding Go Round

by admin on December 7, 2009

My friend of almost 40 yrs was getting ready to marry for the second time. I was happy and excited for my friend. Then I started getting emails requesting money instead of gifts to help pay for the wedding and honeymoon. I ignored the requests. Then, just a few weeks before the wedding date, I received the following wedding invitation. Printed right ON the invitation, was the following:

Grooms name
and
Brides name
invite you to share in the joy
as they are united in Marriage
Saturday October 10, 2009
at 3:30 pm
at *church name*
*church address*
*town state, zip*
Reception following
at the church
If you would like to get a gift
Money would be appreciated
*insert several lines with directions to the church*
Phone # ***-***-****

I live out of state and was not able to attend the wedding. I RSVP’d my regrets. I was not about to send a monetary gift but I wanted to send something. I bought a beautiful frame and sent it.

When did it become socially acceptable to ASK for gifts let alone, money to help pay for the wedding and honeymoon? When did the reponsibilities of this expense shift to the guests? Im still floored by such boldness!  1202-09

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Dani December 7, 2009 at 3:37 pm

I love how they kept the gift-grab in meter. It’s almost a haiku…

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Alexis December 9, 2009 at 2:57 pm

I heard a similar story from my mother, only worse. She was invited to a wedding or baby shower. (I can’t remember which.) At the bottom of the printed invitation were the words ‘You are invited to join ‘Edna Smith’ for a brunch before the shower, at $10.95. That’s right. If you want the ‘priviledge’ of food at a party, (a party that is being given specifically to get gifts!) you have to buy it yourself.

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Kitty December 16, 2009 at 9:47 pm

To be fair on them, they didn’t ask for a gift, they just said IF you’d like to get one. That’s not quite the same. Also, given they’re probably in their 40s or older, they probably have no need for the usual household stuff and buying said items for them would have been a waste of your money. I don’t think this should have been included in the invitation though.

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chatnoir March 17, 2010 at 7:37 pm

I think they could have handled this better but I don’t think it’s unacceptable to ask for money in place of gifts. I attended a good friend’s wedding recently and the couple did ask for money rather than gifts. However I don’t think they put it on the invitations, they spoke to people personally about it. It made perfect sense for them and none of the guests were bothered by it. Of course, they are a young couple trying to save up for a house and don’t have much room or use for traditional wedding gifts such as appliances or china. I think it all depends on how a couple handles the request.

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Raccoon Princess April 20, 2010 at 11:33 am

I’m shocked by this. I’m currently planning the wedding for my second marriage. Because my fiance and I don’t need anything, we are not requesting anything. I can’t imagine actually asking for money and on the invitation! I have emailed/told those invited that the groom and I would be touched by a donation to a charity they care about rather than a gift.
My husband’s former boss was especially sweet. He is a Catholic and knows we are Protestants. He gives much money every year to his church and my fiance told him how we would love that. The former boss said he would like to give the money to our church. I got weepy when I heard this. This is so sweet!

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Kim May 1, 2010 at 2:18 pm

It is just never OK to request gifts or money. My sister is currently in the planning stages of her wedding, and secretly confessed to me they would rather receive money (to go to a rocking honeymoon) than gifts as she’s been living with fiancee for 10+ years and they have all they need. Of course, she agrees with me it would be the epitome of tackiness to actually state as such on the invitation, or to anyone verbally for that matter. As a side note, other thing that is awfully tacky is stating on an invite where the couple is registered for gifts. I have had a few relatives approach me and ask what they think my sister would like, and I casually mentioned that they lack for nothing and their presence would honor the couple. I heard later from these relatives that they were planning to give my sister money anyway. It’s been my experience with weddings that the less greedy you are, the more generous people will be. Naturally, brides and grooms should simply enjoy their day with the loved ones and not care about gifts anyway.

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zhoen June 13, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Never, never, never ok to ask for money or gifts No matter what, under any circumstances. Just, no.

When spouse and I had our reception, years after the minimal legal marriage, we had on the website (with directions to the reception) a plea for no gifts, nothing, just the company of our friends, really, really. One couple brought us a soap-bubble blowing gun, and apologized, but felt they just had to bring us something frivolous. We accepted gratefully, and very stiffly (and humorously) “forgave” them for their breach of etiquette, but *only* because it was so silly.

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Michelle Prieur June 14, 2010 at 12:06 am

It is NEVER EVER EVER acceptable to ask for money or gifts. Sorry chatnoir, nothing “depends” on how it is asked for.

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Hillary June 25, 2010 at 5:49 pm

I received an invitation to a (step)cousin’s engagement party. There was a card included that said something to the effect of “[He] and [she] are not registering for gifts. They are saving for their future together.” I had to wonder: How does not registering for gifts help the engaged couple save for their future together? After all, *they’re* not the ones who would have been shelling out the money for the gifts!

Yes, I realize this was their “clever” way of saying cash gifts only, [please].

Blech!

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Dazee September 23, 2010 at 9:34 pm

I’m greatly considering eloping the more and more I read up on wedding etiquette and the more and more I read about how.. extremely upset people get when a small etiquette breach happens. Large ones I can understand, full blown rudeness, I can understand, but such little things sometimes. If I did have a wedding I would have more very long distant traveling guests then not and trying to inform everyone who may want to know what we may like for a gift by solely word of mouth would be, well, practically impossible. Besides, if I was personally cornered about what I would want or need, I’m horrible about being honest because I don’t like asking for things if I did have a regiestry it would be only as a suggestion for those who wasn’t sure what to get me not a ‘Get me this or get me nothing!’ sort of things. It can be difficult to be ‘to the point’ and still follow proper etiquette at the same time I suppose.

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