After reading the some of the stories on your site, I simply had to share the worst date ever! Anyway this one is a bit long…but well…so was the evening. After coming out of a 3 year relationship with a man who, while being a great guy, should have stayed a friend, my confidence wasn’t at an all time high. I’m pretty feisty though, so back on the horse I go and start talking to a few guys. I have a few mediocre dates, no sparks but nothing horrid. Then comes this great guy. I’ll call him Clueless, for reasons that will soon become readily apparent.
Clueless and I meet on a dating site (which I use frequently with good and bad results – I have actually met several long time friends this way) and start talking. We hit it off amazingly. We spend hours talking on the phone, laughing and having a fabulous time. Clueless is a single father, which as a single mother is particularly attractive to me. Not only is Clueless a single father but appears particularly devoted to his children and *BONUS* isn’t looking to make more! Perfect. So…he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s a devoted father and he’s a big cuddly bear kinda guy, which is my preference. The only thing delaying actually meeting is that I am very cautious about involving the children until I’m somewhat sure things will work out. This is more for the sake of the children than anything and as he has his children most of the time it takes about a month before we actually get it together to meet.
He graciously accepts stopping by my house during a barbecue with my friends (intimidating) just for a few minutes so we can actually see each other and discuss plans for a concert he’s invited me to a few days later. Our thinking is that this will make the actual “first date” easier to handle. *WRONG* He stays not 15 or 20 minutes but almost an hour. Everyone likes him, he appears to like me and all is going very well. I follow him to his car to say goodbye and (giving him an easy out) tell him to email me his address so I can meet with him to go to the concert the following Tuesday. My thinking is this – if he’s not interested he can simply not give me the address. No, no Clueless whips out a piece of paper and a pen and excitedly writes down the address. Excellent!…well wait. Here it comes. He calls me the next day to let me know that he forgot he was meeting one of his friends and her daughter there and do I mind? Well, how can I mind when he had no problem meeting me for the first time amongst most of my friends. No problem I say. Clueless is very excited…still.
The night of the concert arrives and my landlord finally arrives to fix a plumbing problem that’s been ongoing for a week…which requires turning off the water BEFORE I can shower. I alert Clueless that depending on how long this takes I may be late. Clueless is crushed…until I say no matter if I’m too late to meet at his house I’ll meet him at the club. Clueless is once again excited. Now, you’re saying to yourself, *I* know I was…but seriously, this all sounds wonderful! Ah ha…Clueless has pulled you into his trickery as well!
The plumbing is fixed, the water is turned on, the makeup is applied, the overall look is approved of by roommate and son and off I go. I arrive at Clueless’s home and he’s still at the store (which he had said he may be). His friend, we’ll call her Oblivious is there with her daughter. I get out and greet Oblivious who looks slightly startled and not altogether sure what’s happening even while saying “Oh you must be Invisible (which would have been a very lovely warning indeed).” Clueless arrives, gives me a nominal greeting and then proceeds to spend the next 30 minutes charming Oblivious’s 12 year old daughter, who’ll we’ll call Precious. Now, Precious, despite having known Clueless her entire life has developed a major case of the shys. Perhaps it was because she could, in fact, see me. Feeling excessively awkward, I attempt to join the conversation where it seems appropriate, which is almost never because when Clueless isn’t charming Precious out of her shell, he’s reminiscing with Oblivious about people and events that I, being Invisible, have no knowledge of.
This continues all the way to the parking lot of the club. I’m feeling very very akward at this juncture and think…ah well when we go inside I can have a drink at least. Not so…apparently the plan was to arrive horrendously early so that we could then trek several blocks down the steeps hills of downtown to eat. I should mention that just that morning I had gotten a stuffy head and having had a knee surgery in the past I don’t like hills any way. But oh, I will be a trooper. Off we go, while Clueless and Precious run ahead, playing games and generally having a grand time and Oblivious is walking with me but getting any conversation is like pulling teeth and about halfway down our trek I begin falling behind because well, bad knees and very steep hills simply don’t make for a speedy descent. Oblivious at some point, realizes that I’m almost a block behind and keeps poking Clueless and pointing to me. This prompts Clueless to yell, “Come on”, and take off again with Precious. (More than once).
Needless to say I’m already feeling a bit superfluous at this point. It will get better when we get where we’re going, surely it must! (I tell myself OVER and OVER). We finally get to the place we’ve slogged almost a mile straight downhill to reach and it’s…it’s…wait for it…wait for it…a crappy dirty little teriyaki joint – not even as nice as the 5 or 6 other Teriyaki joints we’ve passed already. REALLY! (This is Downtown Seattle, you can’t spit w/o hitting a Teriyaki joint). So, I have no desire to eat between being stuffy headed, in pain, the overall lack of cleanliness and being not altogether comfortable. Ah, I think…we’ll all be able to chat now. Think again (perhaps we should have called me clueless?) Between the noise of the crappy little teriyaki joint (whose exhaust fan had to be one of the first models ever made), the noise from the street and the stuffiness in my head, I can barely make out anything being said. All I want is a hot cup of tea. TEA….BLACK TEA in a TERIYAKI JOINT!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING!!! No black tea…oolong tea only. I don’t really care for oolong but it’s hot and my head is swaddled in cotton so I get one. NO SUGAR….of any kind. No real, no brown, no “natural” no fake…nothing. Sigh…OK. So I sit there in a foggy stupor, sipping the bitterest and nastiest oolong tea I’ve ever had in a crappy little Teriyaki Joint we’ve just trekked a mile to reach, I can’t hear a damn thing that’s being said, which really is rather irrelevant as almost nothing is being aimed my way. FABULOUS!
Now…this particular part of the torture session is finally done and we get to climb back up the mile of extremely steep hill we’ve just climbed down. Anyone who has had knee surgery will tell you that the only thing worse than going down that far is going the hell back up it. And this time Clueless and Precious are well over a block ahead of me, Oblivious is over half a block ahead of me and eventually they are all crossing entire streets without me. Again we get the funny funny charade of Oblivious pointing to me and Clueless yelling “Come on”. Oh … and you thought chivalry was dead! No, my friends, it was stomped into the ground, mashed into dust and spat upon before being set on fire! (And I’m fairly sure you can guess what they used to put it out, too!)
We finally get back to the club. I’m thinking good, a seat and a drink…oh my yes, I’m going to have a drink. A double, in fact, neat. Seat…oh, well, now there’s a funny situation. Because Precious is with us, we have to sit in the “family section” which consists of an open concrete area, roughly 10 chairs and several people sitting in those chairs already. Now I will say Oblivious has a harder time than me as she has to hold Precious on her lap. Wait, did I say seat…let me correct myself, stool…which is the last thing my poor knees need. But I’m sitting and maybe now some conversation will happen. Which it does for all of 2 min until Clueless and Oblivious go from, “How did you two mee,t” to a 20 minute romp on how THEY met and how they went to blah blah’s house and then blah blah showed up and remember the look when blah blah said blah blah to blah blah. Now I’m not just saying blah blah to be rude either, that’s about all I understood once they turned away from me. Now mind you, I’m in downtown w/o my truck or I’d have been GONE. I feel like a poop going to get a drink when Precious wants a drink (not alcohol) and no way can she have anything since A) she’s not allowed in the bar and B) no drinks except water are allowed in the “family” area. Oh..clever clever planning on that! I finally get us both water.
At this point I can’t take anymore of the stuffy head or the Invisible wall which has apparently sprang up around me and I do go get a shot. $10 minimum…I don’t care open me a tab and get me some WHISKEY. Ahhh…ok better for a second. I go sit back down…blah blah …blah blah concert we went to…blah blah all with occassional odd glances from Oblivious who still seems to view me, when noticing me at all, as a slightly startling and confusing puzzle. Ok…out I go for a smoke. and another…and another. Thirty minutes later I have almost decided to blow the money and grab a cab and go get my truck and go home. No…no … my credit card is at the bar and I’ll have to walk PAST Clueless and Oblivious to get it. I try anyway…POOF I’m not invisible NOW! I get shocked and startled looks as though they truly thought I’d left. Uh huh. Thank you. So I sit back down and Clueless gets up with his camera because the band he came to see is on now. (Side note…LOVED that band so there was one redeeming thing). I try to make conversation with Oblivious…and she kinda answers a few times and etc. etc. etc. Still getting the startled puzzled look.
Finally she says to me, ” I don’t know how long you’ve been hanging out with Clueless but he always takes like 200 pictures, which is why I’m back here”. I respond, “Well, actually this is our first date”. Ahhhhh….you can see the wheels turn, and the sparks fly behind the eyes as this OH OH OH look comes into her face. Suddenly everything makes sense, no wonder I have NO clue how to interject – AWKWARD! Bonus here, Oblivious does attempt to make more conversation as she suddenly realizes that this has got to be the worst first date EVER in the history of the world. Yes, sympathy from Oblivious. Mind you the entire time the last band played Clueless came up one time, “Do you like them?”, and wandered back off to take more pics. I got some coffee, retrieved my card, smoked several more cigarettes and prayed for it all to end…NOW. Finally it does. We get in the car, Oblivious goes on and on about how her fiance doesn’t trust Clueless “still” and then about how their mutual friend got “secretly” married but don’t tell. Again, I try to add where I can but it’s really not working.
Finally, I can almost smell my truck…I miss my truck. Things are so uncomplicated in my truck. My good faithful truck, which will whisk me far far away from all this. Oblivious has to get Precious home (who by the way was IMO wonderfully behaved for a 12 year old at a rock concert). Just to say I’m not a quitter I think, OK, maybe now we’ll talk. Nope, mention of driving to Dad’s to get the van for work…and you know? I’m actually relieved to be spared having to try. I jump out of the car, say goodbye and run to my truck. Now, I never actually spoke to Clueless again, but he posted a couple of very NOT flattering pics of me amongst the many others and then promptly got engaged to the girl he had apparently been texting all night. I’m STILL baffled as to why in the heck he would invite me if he’s about to become engaged, why he didn’t back out when I gave him the opportunity, why he was so excited I made it and what on earth was I there for in the first place?????? I actually gave up dating for about a month…and then I came to my senses and had quite a great deal of fun after that. Clueless is, I imagine, every bit as clueless now and frankly, I feel rather sorry for that poor girl! May the keeper’s of Karma be watching and the blessings abound! 0604-09