A Polite Spine – Etiquette Hell

Cringe-Worthy Regret? Yep, Been There, Done That…How Shame Works To Shape Future Behavior

December 14, 2016admin97 Comments

I have been reading this site a fair bit over the last few years, and always find it both entertaining and instructive. Recently though, when I’ve made the odd comment giving my opinion on the subject at hand, I’ve found myself thinking, “Would I have had the same reaction to this post five, ten, fifteen years ago?” It’s made me realize that sometimes I’m judging people from the privileged position of experience, and at least some knowledge of etiquette (most of which I’ve gleaned from this very site).

I thought it might be interesting to see if anyone else has committed crimes against etiquette and graceful behaviour in the past, which cause them now to look back and cringe at their former selves. Here’s my own story, which concerns my wedding.

My husband and I married about twelve years ago, in our mid-twenties. I’ll leave out most of the details so as not to get mired in unnecessary description. Briefly, it was a traditional church ceremony followed by a catered buffet reception at the same venue. We invited about sixty people, about fifty of who attended, a mix of family and good friends. Overall it was a lovely day, and we still occasionally get compliments on the relaxed and happy atmosphere, the ceremony (particularly the music), the venue, and my dress (£180 from Monsoon, for those in the UK. If only I could still fit into it!) The only “mishaps” were my BIL spilling water all down the front of his suit while moving a pedestal of flowers, and the fact that I preferred my bridesmaid’s bouquet to my own! Oh well.

And so straight to my faux pas, and I’m afraid it’s a major one. We included a “registry” with the invitations. Worse, that registry was what I can only describe in hindsight as a cash-grab. (I assure you I am wincing as I type this). I don’t have an excuse for this. It was an action borne of ignorance, and, if I force myself to be brutally honest, a bit of over-excited greed.

My husband and I had been saving up for our honeymoon throughout our engagement (sixteen months), and had booked it all about two months before our wedding. At the time, I thought one was supposed to receive gifts at one’s wedding; I thought that was just the way it was. And what we wanted was some extra spending money for our honeymoon (yep, still cringing hard over here). Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I was going to include the actual text from the dreaded “Gift List” in this submission, but I’ve just looked through my wedding memory box, and it isn’t there. I have copies of the save the date card, the invitation itself, the order of service, and the readings we had (the officiant read Song of Solomon 8. 6-7, my dad read a passage from The Fellowship of the Ring, and my best friend [my bridesmaid] read Robert Frost’s The Road Not Taken). But I no longer have a copy of that dreaded gift list. I can’t say I’m surprised, as I had a vague memory of, at some point in the intervening years, having got rid of the wretched thing, and so I must have done.

So as accurately as I can reproduce from memory, it said something like, “We do not expect gifts, but if you would like to make a contribution to our honeymoon, here are some ideas.” There then followed a list ranging from “posh dinner out” at £80/$150, through things like museum admission and cinema tickets, down to “public transit tickets for the day” at £5/$9. (We’re British, our honeymoon was to the U.S., and at the time the exchange rate heavily favoured the pound over the dollar). It was printed in the same font and on the same type of paper as the invitation, on a separate piece of paper, but enclosed in the same envelope.

What were we thinking?! I’ll be as honest as I can. While we did believe at the time that it was usual protocol to provide gift lists, we were also pleasurably excited at the thought of receiving cash gifts that we would benefit from. And as I said before, I can really only put that down to greed on our part. Looking back on it, two things in particular about our gift list really stand out to me, aside from the incredible idiocy of including it in the first place: 1) The fact that we included “prices” in both pounds and dollars, which adds a rather special tackiness to the whole thing. 2) The wording that introduced the dreadful document. “We do not expect gifts, but if you would like to… ” As I said, I’m reproducing the wording from memory only, but I’m pretty sure it’s fairly accurate. And looking at it with wiser eyes, my own wording now says quite plainly to me: “We know we’re asking for something we have no right to, but we want it, so we’re going to ask for it anyway”. In other words: a greedy, thoughtless guilt-trip.

As a side note, it surprises me looking back that neither my mum or dad vetoed this. They are both the type of person to tactfully speak up if they think I’m about to make a mistake, they are both well-mannered and considerate people, and my mum in particular cares what others think, and has a horror of doing anything rude or gauche for no reason. The fact that they blithely posted these gift-grabbing enclosures along with the invitations can only suggest to me that they themselves had no idea there was anything wrong with it. I want to be clear that I’m not making excuses for my actions. Do I wish that, twelve years ago, someone had stepped in and told us how rude and tacky my husband and I were being? Of course. But I also know that we’re reasonably intelligent people who, had we stopped to think properly about what we were doing, would’ve known that we were doing the wrong thing.

Which is the main reason I’m so grateful for this site. The most important lesson I’ve gotten from it over the years is to always ask the question, often mentioned by Admin, “Who does this serve?” In some cases, of course, I think it’s okay for the answer to be “me”, but that’s in situations that involve my ongoing quest to develop a polite spine. In the tale I just told, the answer should have alerted me to the mistake we were making, had I but known to ask the question in the first place. In the long run, I hope that asking myself that question has taught me to be a bit more gracious and a lot less selfish.

So this submission is in part a thank you: to the Admin for keeping up this site and for her often wise advice, and to my fellow readers and commenters for their experience and perspectives. I can honestly say that EHell has played a big part in teaching me, over the years, to become a more well-rounded and thoughtful person.

So does anyone else have any past etiquette crimes to confess? Awkward, tacky, or just plain heinous things they did in the past but would know better than to do now? I for one would probably feel better for hearing them! And if Admin or commenters are so inclined, I’ll gladly take my lumps for the gift list debacle. While it’s a lesson I’ve taken to heart, fresh eyes on the situation couldn’t hurt. There may be perspectives I hadn’t considered.

While I am not averse to trying to shake some sense and courtesy into the mindless, clueless and outright greedy/boorish people of the world, it’s not an Ehell “thang” to beat up on the sincerely penitent. We celebrate those who develop beyond being a typically selfish person and who embrace the past mistakes in order to become better people in the future.

Do I have cringe-worthy regret? You better believe it! Mine nearly always involves some foot-in-mouth faux pas since I am a gregarious person who wears her emotions on her sleeve and sometimes the governor in my brain hasn’t been well connected to my mouth. I flinch thinking of some of the mindless things that have popped out of my mouth but I use that regret, and, yes, shame, to my advantage by making it a learning moment. How would I have done or said that differently? How can I develop more discretion? I’m told by people I’ve apologized to that I am overthinking my offense since they claim to not be as offended as I assumed they could be but I’d rather err on the side of being aware of how I have the ability to be offensive as opposed to being oblivious.

Shame is a good thing, in my opinion, because some things are shameful and thus deserving of regret and cringing. Shame and regret are the deterrent to future mistakes.

Sometimes A Token Gift Is Just A Token Gift

March 29, 2016admin61 Comments

Something happened last week that has me wondering if I did the right thing, and I think I need some reinforcement (or gentle criticism, please) from all you eHeller’s.

It actually began several months ago at my workplace. I work in a building with about a dozen people on our floor, and we serve the public. I have good relations with most everyone in the office, but things are strained with a couple of them, though we pretend otherwise to keep tensions down. I avoid their company whenever possible, especially with the one who figures into why I’m writing today.

In late October there was a convoluted incident with a person on a floor above us, the result of which I felt horrible about already (those details have no bearing on this story). I had gone up to discuss it with that person on the upper floor where I profusely apologized. A little later I came downstairs to be ambushed by one of the women, and while she was not in any way affected by what occurred with the party on the upper floor, she had heard about it. She laid into me for a good minute, shouting loudly about how I should be ashamed of myself, what was I thinking, surely I have better things I should have been concentrating on, etc, etc. God and all the saints had to have heard. At both sides of the service counter there were embarrassed glances of pity and dismay, not to mention a second, shocked, worker about 4 feet away from the shouter.

I was mortified. And humiliated. Publicly. When younger, I was an introvert and was bullied in junior and high school. While I’ve striven to overcome that in the years since, this woman has always struck me as the type that used to torture me back then, and had always rather intimidated me since I had moved to this office. I guess I was right about her after all, but nothing like this was ever in my radar, though.

So what did I do? I threw up my hands and walked off, saying nothing; a pathetic little mouse slinking off like the scum of the earth. I spent the next week or so crying and talking to myself, losing sleep, wiling away pointless hours imagining all the things I should have done and said, which was even more pathetic. (I’ve been on medication for depression/anxiety/panic for a good decade or more, and had been successful in getting off of them for nearly a year before this nastiness. I’m happy to report that, while I was afraid that I may have to restart them again, I’m still managing without them.)

Fast forward to December. There was no apology for October; I had been assiduously avoiding this woman for weeks with an alertness bordering on paranoia, and had only just started to relax my guard. She had been making a point to greet me or try to talk to me whenever the opportunity arose, more often than she ever used to. The school-age introvert in my head is whispering that she’s setting me up for another punch, though the rational side of me is (mostly) discounting this. At some point earlier in December it dawned on me that this woman hands out little trinket bag gifts for Christmas, to everyone, and I started feeling dread. I had a small hope that she might just leave me out of the loop this year, considering. But that was not to be.

Monday morning I came to my desk and there it was. A little Christmas bag to me from her, and I’m sorry, but I felt sick. I knew immediately that I couldn’t accept it. Even if I could manage to accept it, then I’d have to find her later and THANK HER…? It felt galling. Like my face was being rubbed in it. I stared at the bag. Could I just reinterpret her gift as the pretend apology I never received and accept it? Where’s my grace? On some other planet, apparently. I have tried hard to be a good Christian during the course of my life, but I didn’t feel much Christmas spirit that day.

I waited until I knew she would be by herself, took the bag back to her, set it on the table gently, and quietly explained that I wasn’t comfortable accepting it. She wanted to know why. I quickly rehashed the scene those weeks back, which, I was not at all surprised to learn, she remembered quite differently. She was “sorry that I interpreted it differently,” (there’s my apology!) but at some point arrived at the belief that she was helping me. I started getting nervous and was looking around to make sure others weren’t coming near, and ended the conversation by pussing-out again, mumbling something about how she did so much more than that, and scurrying off.

I’ve been thinking about this for some time since then. I’m relieved. She doesn’t have much to say to me now. At the very least, what’s done is done; just writing this is hugely therapeutic. I wonder if I have overworked this whole thing and have made the proverbial mountain out of a molehill. I’m certain it comes off partially as some sort of revenge thing on my part. Does it look like the little wussy non-confrontational mouse put her foot down a little belatedly? Maybe. I want to apply the “polite spine” adage to this thing, but not sure it’s fitting very well. I’m finding it difficult, however, to toss out what little pride I have left and just accept the abuse hurled at me with no recourse. 1221-15

What comes to mind when I read your story is that you need to understand the “whys” of etiquette so that you are prepared when other people behave in ways that create an awkwardness. There are basic principles of living a decent life that, once you understand them, will help you confidently navigate those tricky relationship shoals.

Principle Number 1: “If You Are Not Part Of The Problem Nor The Solution, Mind Your Own Business”. In this case, it was your co-worker’s obligation to mind her own business because she was not part of the problem nor was she part of the solution despite her belief that she was. She is not a supervisor who was responsible for the working relationships between the subordinates under her management nor is she responsible for the interactions between department employees. When you resolved the issue with the other co-worker, the matter was over, done, kaput. You took ownership of your responsibility in the conflict, you initiated the resolution and you exhibited humility and grace in apologizing and for that you should take comfort and pride in having done the right thing. That is the genesis of having a polite spine.

The slate on that matter was wiped clean and you let someone who had no skin in the game steal that victory from you. Raising your hands in surrender and walking away without a word was an acceptable solution to the predicament she put you in because it is none of her business how you resolve your personal conflicts that have no direct bearing on her and you are under no obligation to explain it to her. But for future reference, a better solution would have been to look her directly in the eyes and say, “Pardon me for interrupting, but this matter has been resolved to everyone’s satisfaction and I fail to see how your input has any relevance. Now, excuse me, I have work to do.” Etiquette is great for taking control of an out of control situation so that you can control the tone and direction and making it quiet clear that everyone, not just you, needs to get back to work.

Principle Number 2: “You are going to encounter pushy, busybody people like your co-worker for the rest of your life.” And if you think they are all “abusive”, you will be a victim for the rest of your life. More likely they are just selfish people with overrated opinions of their own self-worth.

Principle Number 3: “Sometimes a token gift is just a token gift.” In my opinion, you made more of the trinket gift bag than the giver intended because you attributed motives to her based on your past experiences as a child. She gives everyone in the office, regardless of her feelings about them, a token gift bag. It would have been extremely ill-mannered, evil and awkward if you had been the only person in the office to have NOT been given one. What this says about the giver is that she is not an evil witch intent on making your work life constantly miserable, and believe me, there are co-workers out there in the workplace who would have been that evil. You attached all kinds of motives to this gift bag that were likely not valid at all. Sometimes a token gift is just a token gift. You rejected a small gift and she, rightly, asked why and in explaining, you re-opened a situation that was better left closed but barring that, you should have resolved your angst with this co-worker much sooner, especially since you know she has a history of giving these little gifts every Christmas. The incident several months earlier and the giving of giftbags are two completely separate actions that have nothing whatsoever to do with one another but you’ve now connected them as if the giving of this gift bag to you was some nefarious plot to further bully you.

I know you won’t like this but you came across as looking petty and weak when you chose to return the token gift bag. Are you really never, ever going to say, “Thank you”, to this woman for anything? How do you function civilly in a work environment not routinely thanking your co-workers for things they do to assist each other? If you didn’t want to face-to-face thank her, send her an email, “Thanks for the gift bag”, and then regift to a homeless person or someone else. But you’ve now placed your co-worker in an awkward situation because next Christmas she will give away those small token gift bags to everyone but you, at your request. And that will look odd to everyone because you, and only you, have been singled out to be different. Is that what you really want?

Respect For Elders Only Goes So Far

March 21, 2016admin116 Comments

I’m wondering about something that at my workplace and how to handle it.

I’ve just started working as a counselor in a large office. There are a lot of people who have been here for decades and, at thirty five years of age, I’m one of the youngest. I’m letting my grey hair grow out a little, I dress very conservatively and professionally, and I am polite and courteous at all times. In spite of this though, I’ve encountered a few people who seem to think that they need to explain random things to me “in case I don’t know better”.

One woman pointed out that I should wear my hair up all the time. Another prefers specific jewelry on me. One of the men made his opinion on hair and nail care known in no uncertain terms (my nails are short, clean, and have very sheer/pale pink polish and my hair is a long bob that’s always tidy). Again, I look professional and well groomed. My clothing choices are usually pant or skirt suits or knee length dresses with hosiery. I do not wear bright colours, loud patterns, short skirts, or sleeveless or low cut tops and I leave my red lipstick at home.

I am extremely respectful. I never let doors slam behind me, I always hold them and let others go before me and so on. I do not interrupt people or bring smelly food for lunch. I wash dishes that have been left in the sink by others. I try to always be at my best here.

But here is what I’m wondering about. Aside from a few spots reserved for managers, parking is not assigned and it’s on a first come, first served basis. I got to the office early today (as usual) and, as I was backing into a spot, a man approached me. I rolled down my window to see what he wanted and he said that he’s not trying to be “anal” but I should be respectful of my elders and park farther down the lot. It was raining and I had a lot of things to carry. Regardless, I moved four spots down to keep him happy.

I completely understand the importance of respecting one’s elders. But our office has an absurd amount of staircases and everyone here can manage them just fine. We do not have senior citizens working here and we have a lot of reserved spots for clients in front of the building. No one needs special parking privileges in employee parking. And our parking lot is really small so parking at the end isn’t a big deal at all.

What I’m annoyed by is how this guy felt that it was his place to condescendingly tell me what he thought I should do when there’s no policy for it. Am I over reacting by being annoyed? And should I make a point of always parking farther away even though no one else does? Also it should be noted that this guy doesn’t normally work from our office; he’s just here because it’s quieter here than at his normal one today. I did ask my boss about this and he confirmed that there are no parking “rules” here and that it’s the first he’s heard of the issue. It kind of felt like the guy was just trying to save a good spot for his buddy.

So I need advice on how to grow a polite spine here for when these things happen. Should I comply with the “suggestions” from my “elders” or should I just politely carry on and do my job? I don’t want to upset anyone but I also have the right to not be bothered too. I am always open to legitimate feedback but some of the things I’m being “advised” on are a little absurd and completely unnecessary. What would be a good way to handle future “suggestions” without ruffling feathers please? 0314-16

In regards to comments about your appearance, the only opinion that matters is your boss’s and if he doesn’t appear to have an issue with your workplace attire, you can smile at the silly comments of your co-workers and then completely flush it out of your mind. Frankly, to me you sound a bit defensive so you haven’t learned yet to be inwardly confident of your choices of clothing, hygiene and how you behave in the office and so you get rattled by every comment you hear. A significant part of having a polite spine is having the inner conviction that you live your life based on good principles that then translates into having a calm yet polite spine.

As for the co-worker who opined that for you to show proper respect for your elders by parking farther down the lot, I would have sweetly asked him, “I will move but I have a lot to carry into the building and am in need of a gentleman to help me. Would you know of one?”

Flexing That Polite Spine Muscle

November 24, 2015November 23, 2015admin134 Comments

Just wanted to give a quick thanks to everyone at Etiquette Hell for giving me the knowledge of a polite spine… and the courage to use it.

I work at a gas station, and one of the last things I do before closing shop for the night is turn off the lights and pumps themselves for the fueling island. The breaker for these is located in a back room, which you cannot see the pumps themselves from.

Recently while closing up shop and going about my normal duties, I had a confrontation with a man who decided that he didn’t have to abide by store hours to get gas. At some point between when I left the front counter and when I turned off the gas pumps, he pulled into our parking lot and attempted to start pumping gas… and became notably outraged that the pump had been shut off. While I was getting ready to leave, I heard knocking on our front door and went to investigate.

This man demanded that I stop inconveniencing him and turn the fuel pumps back on. I told him that wouldn’t be possible, as once the system is shut off for the night, it takes several minutes to get started again. He tried to claim that I should have checked if anyone was fueling before shutting the pumps off, to which I said that was not possible.

Then he set me up for the perfect polite spine opportunity.

“But I’m on fumes!”

I smiled as sweetly as I could manage and shook my head. “Sorry, sir, but lack of planning on your part is not an emergency on mine. I cannot restart the system once it has been shut down for the night.”

Had he stuck around I would have given him directions to a different gas station not too far away, but that statement made him storm back to his car and leave. Funny, being “on fumes” didn’t stop him from gunning his engine and screeching his tires out of our parking lot.

Since I work closing and not opening, I don’t know how long the system actually takes to start up after being shut down. What I do know is that he obviously had to use a credit card at the pump to get it on in the first place, and our pumps have a safety feature that prevents a credit card from being used outside more than once per day. So, even if I had turned the system back on for him, he wouldn’t have been able to use his credit card to pump gas. And the other thing I know is exactly what I said–his poor planning isn’t my emergency. 1122-15

Doormats And Bully Roommates Do Not Mix

September 2, 2015admin83 Comments

Dearest EHelldame, I am having a problem with my roommates and would love your input on how to correct the problem with grace.

I live with my fiance Jim in a three-bedroom townhouse with our dog Coco and our cat. We have two roommates who are a couple – Kelly and Cody. They have a tiny dog called Boo.

When they first moved in, they were stellar roommates. They are very definitely “blue collar” and our townhouse is the nicest space they have lived in, so they were eager to please. They promptly cleaned up after themselves, only put small amounts of food in the fridge, were rarely around, and never had guests over. Kelly made a point of telling us during the “interview” we conducted that she was estranged from her sister, who was constantly in and out of jail/prison, and didn’t really like her mom or brothers who also had dubious reputations. They also mentioned that Kelly used certain “herbal” remedies, but promised to keep that in their room and out of sight since that was a huge problem we had had with our last roommates. Jim and I do not mind the use of these products, but insist on it being cleanly and considerately done.

Things have now changed quite a bit with Kelly and Cody. Jim and I are unable to buy groceries for ourselves since the fridge is stuffed with their food – even minuscule amounts of leftovers are apparently worthy of saving in any empty container around and left in there for weeks at a time. Even after “cleaning out” the fridge, there is still barely room for food. They have been bringing in various appliances and home goods from various places – our coat closet is stuffed with microwaves, TVs, chairs, et cetera, and there is a mattress and box spring wedged in our laundry room. Boo is allowed to doo-doo in our front yard, without a leash (she is “scared” of them), even though we have already gotten one email from management saying that if that continues we will be fined. Any kind of “herbal” remedy is now used upstairs, downstairs, in the kitchen…often resulting in disgusting paraphernalia left out. Cigarette butts cover the front yard and back yard – when my mother dropped by to see our cat, she looked out of the window into the backyard and commented “Oh, that’s a lot of cigarette butts…” When Jim and I come home from work and college, respectively, we can never enjoy a quiet time in the living room since Kelly and Cody are permanently on the couch watching TV, often intoxicated. If we miraculously get the couch first for some nice time together, Cody decides he wants to join and will hover around or outright sit down and make crude jokes about whatever we watch.

The worst problem is Kelly’s “clan”. Despite what she told us before, her mother and sister are now regular fixtures at the townhouse. They will sit downstairs watching Netflix on Jim’s TV for hours at a time, prepare food and leave a gigantic mess on the range, the counters, the floor, the pots and pans and utensils, and in the sink. They also use our townhouse as a shower and laundry stop. The water bill has tripled in the past three months, and Jim and I are barely able to move in the shower for the dozens of shampoo bottles, body washes, and loofahs. The power bill is also through the roof, since they will simply leave the TV on after they are done watching and never turn lights off in rooms they are no longer in. Jim is unbelievably uncomfortable around the clan, mostly because of how dubious their reputation is and also because of how disrespectful they are to our living space. I have had little interaction with them but what interaction I have had involved none of the three women being sober. Occasionally some friend of theirs will come over, ostensibly to pick the sister up and drive her somewhere, but will inevitably end up joining the little party.

Jim does not like Kelly because she is often very rude to him and also disrespectful to Coco, and he has spoken to Cody numerous times about how he does not like Kelly’s clan being invited over. While Cody waffles about “he won’t stand for it any longer”, it is clear that Kelly is “wearing the pants”. Sometimes the clan comes over when Cody is at work – other times he will just join right in watching TV with them. Jim has decided to move out when his lease is up, but that still leaves us three months with Kelly, Cody, and the clan, and while we are not sure if we can afford them being around anymore, literally, we also cannot afford to kick them out and pay their part of rent and bills alone. What is the best way to deal with these unwanted extra guests, and possibly the other problems too, while remaining on the “high road”?

You and Jim are candidates for the most spineless people in the history of this blog. I’m going to sound harsh but someone needs to administer a much needed shot of titanium to your spines.

There are so many red flags in this dilemma and it’s no mystery to me why Kelly and Cody are walking all over you. You appear to have no convictions, no boundaries, nor internal fortitude to stand your ground. It’s a sad indictment on humans but people, like animals, gravitate towards a hierarchy and if they detect that someone is not to be respected, they exploit that weakness. Cody and Kelly were fawningly polite and deferential upon first interviews because they perceived Jim was in a position of authority and power as the leaseholder. But that quickly changed when they realized they were rooming with a pair of doormats who could be easily manipulated and now the power has shifted to Cody and Kelly. They have you over a barrel and they know it. Cody is acting like the man of the house, not Jim.

Your first problem is the lack of conviction about “herbal remedies”, a cutesy euphemism for drug use. If the municipality where you reside has not legalized this “herbal remedy”, Jim is in serious danger of being liable for the presence of these drugs in a domicile which he holds the lease agreement.

There are closets full of small appliances? I noted you used the plural “microwaves” and “televisions”. If these items are not in their original boxes, I suspect either Cody or Kelly or both of them are burglars and thieves. If the police were to raid your townhome, they won’t care nor believe your claims that you and Jim are innocent victims.

And Boo Boo pooping on the front lawn will be Jim’s problem as it is he who will be fined by the rental management, not Cody.

You two are risking arrest, legal fees, jail time, and least of all, a bad reputation as undesirable tenants because you have allowed Cody and Kelly to take over the house. I’ve been a landlord and I wouldn’t rent to you. You have demonstrated poor judgment and have no ability to keep someone else’s (as in the townhome’s owner) property safe and clean. You can’t afford to live in the rented townhome without Cody and Kelly’s financial assistance means you are slaves to them and the potential of having your life ruined by association with them.

But if you and Jim cannot possibly afford to boot Cody and Kelly out before the lease is over, you have a very few options that will require you both to gird up the loins, take a stand and get back your home. There are three bedrooms? Why not move the TV and couch to the third bedroom, which I assume you and Jim have primary use of, and make that room your private living room? Buy a door handle with lock and key and change it out so that only you and Jim have access to it and when you and Jim move out, replace the door knob with the original one. If this is not feasible to do, have Jim buy one of these … http://www.amazon.com/Roride-RRKA-StoPower-Power-Plug/dp/B0014ZXWCS/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1441203162&sr=8-4&keywords=tv+lock….and put it on his TV plug. And aren’t Netflix accounts password protected? Have Jim change the password and don’t tell Cody and Kelly.

Give Cody 3 days to get the mattress and box spring out of the laundry room or else you are throwing it away. If marijuana usage is illegal where you live, issue an immediate ultimatum to remove all evidence of it from the townhome or you will call the police. Regardless of whether it is legal or not, inform them that the original agreement was to keep the drug paraphernalia to their own bedroom and any further items left in the common areas of the house will be thrown out. And be sure to include a demand that all the appliances in storage in the closets are placed either in their bedroom or in rented storage space. Place tape down the center of the refrigerator door and inform Cody and Kelly that the left side is their side of the refrigerator and the right is yours. Anything of theirs loping over to your side will be thrown away promptly.

Good luck.