A Polite Spine – Page 2 – Etiquette Hell

How Life Builds The Backbone

April 20, 2015admin112 Comments

This is a story about poor decisions made while being young and reckless. Through these respective experiences I have been taught a difficult lesson regarding the importance of surrounding yourself with quality people, as well as avoiding situations that potentially endanger you. When I was interacting with the individuals mentioned, I truly believed that everyone was good at heart and that if they were having a hard time, I could somehow “change” them through patience & understanding. How naive and stupid. These events are what grew my backbone and acutely shaped my personal conduct and decision making.

While attending college on the East Coast I made the decision to move off campus for my sophomore year and found a roommate through craigslist. He was an older male, ex-navy and going to the same school as me on the GI bill. All was well for the first few weeks, until it became increasingly apparent that he had a significant drinking problem which he had hid successfully from our mutual friends as well as myself for the first few weeks we were living together. He became unpredictable and aggressive at all times, he began stealing my things & eating my food but when I put my foot down the day I was headed out of town for the weekend he proceeded to threaten me with extreme violence/rape. I was bombarded with sexually explicit messages and graphics through both my text messages as well as my email, & truly began to fear for my safety. This in response to me requesting that he pays me back $3.57 for my breakfast, which he ate in a drunken stupor & then spewed all over the living room.

At this point, I got my parents, the local police and our landlord involved with the situation. My roommate was evicted by my landlord, the police began escorting me to school while my restraining order went through the court system and my parents installed a GPS tracking device with my consent on my phone so they could track my whereabouts at all times to make sure I was safe. Needless to say, besides trying to focus on my studies I was living in constant fear of the roommate returning to my apartment in violation of the court order to assault me. This submission has less to do with the horrendous individual with whom I previously lived, but an acquaintance whom I shall call M that lived on the same floor as me my freshman year when I still lived on campus. I include the information pertaining to my former roommate so as to paint a clear picture of my living circumstances/frame of mind.

One evening I had just finished eating dinner and went through the nightly routine of locking all doors/windows, pulling down the blinds, making sure I had pepper spray and a knife on hand (this was recommended to me by the cops who had gone out of their way to check up on me) when there was a knock on the door. I was absolutely terrified, as I had not expected any visitors and had gone out of my way that semester to disappear & cut social ties entirely in preparation for a quiet transfer and out-of-state move to escape the former roommate. Pepper spray in hand, I looked through the peephole and saw M. Confused, still feeling scared and very cautious, I opened the door to ask what I may do for him.

Let’s take a step back – when M & I met freshman year, he was quite a habitual 420 participant, which I had no problem with. Through rather bizarre circumstances several months later I was given an incredible amount of marijuana by a friend, and being as I had no intention of smoking it and didn’t know what to do with it so I called the only person I knew (M) and gave it to him. In hindsight this was incredibly reckless. If I had known that the “gift” I was being given was an illicit substance I would have never accepted it, let alone passed it along to someone I didn’t entirely trust. The transaction occurred at my apartment, which is how M knew where I lived.

Fast forward to the evening he knocked on my door – M informed me that the school was kicking him out for some vague reason, and would I mind letting him live with me so he could continue his relationship with his girlfriend while he went through the appeals process with the university? I’m pretty sure the only mumbled response I had was, “Um…. Excuse me?!” When I realized he was in earnest, I immediately said no and told him that my main reason for denying his request was due to the fact that I was involved in a delicate living situation at the moment, and that I had the cops and my landlord keeping close tabs on me – knowing it would be the last thing he would want while he continued to deal drugs around campus. He became increasingly agitated, & whined, “Well, I already told my parents that I’d be living here – they’re outside ready to help me move in.”

Sure enough, I peek around him and out in front of my place is a couple in a minivan that is packed with M’s possessions. They were sitting in the idling car with the back door slid open, so the interior lights shone upon all of his things, giving the impression that they were going to chuck his stuff out, slam the door & peel out of there. I immediately walked out, introduced myself, and told his parents that under no circumstances could their son move in with me. I didn’t even state my reasons (and there were plenty), I just told them no and to never come back to my home again. They offered an insincere apology, but then began to beg and attempt to guilt me into taking in their son. Completely dumbfounded, I continued to say no. It eventually came out that he had been driving around campus/town with his parents stopping at every house/apartment where he knew someone that lived there hoping that someone would take him in. It was the most bizarre and uncomfortable exchange I’ve ever had in my entire life, but the fact that these parents were completely ok with dumping their son off on the first person whom they could successfully bully into taking in their child was absolutely astounding. The good news is, I am no longer in the habit of making stupid decisions about the situations I put my self in or the people I surround myself with. I never did hear about M or what happened to him and his parents. 0419-15

You gave a significant amount of marijuana to a drug dealer? You could have taken it to the police and ratted on the “gift” giver or simply trashed it. But lesson learned.

A Lack of Confidence Fuels A Rude Mouth

February 19, 2015admin150 Comments

A little while ago some friends introduced me to “Mira”. She is a lot of fun, very intelligent and well read, and quite outgoing. Several months ago a mutual friend hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for some of us who could not go home for the holidays. They provided the turkey and dinner staples, and the guests were encouraged to bring a dish to share. The couple slaved all day over the meal and when we arrived at the house the smell of the turkey was absolutely amazing.

I was aware that Mira was a strict vegan. The couple, also aware of this, provided several vegetarian dishes for their guest (a few others were also vegetarians, though not as strict as Mira). Mira also brought her own dish. While Mira was quite outspoken about her dietary choices, and her moral reasons for them, this was the first time I had ever been in a social situation with her where food was involved. She commented more than once on the “stench” from the kitchen. When the turkey was uncovered, we all commented on how good it smelled and looked, Mira made loud and very rude gagging noises, and made comments like, “I don’t know how you can eat that!” I was astonished that this intelligent, mature woman would make such rude comments to our gracious hosts. Since they were much more familiar with Mira than I, I thought maybe it was some odd inside joke. Surely nobody would be that rude as an invited guest.

Fast forward to this past week. Some friends decided to have a pot-luck gathering and I agreed to host. I made plenty of food, and while I am not a vegetarian, I prepared some dishes for friends who are, including a lentil soup and some beautiful vegan rolls from a nearby bakery. Mira was among those invited, and when she arrived she went straight to the table and proceeded to point at dishes she didn’t approve of, saying they looked disgusting, turning up her nose, and in general being unbelievably rude and obnoxious. I was hurt that my culinary efforts didn’t meet her standards, but I mostly felt embarrassed that my friends, who had taken such care to prepare delicious food to share, were being insulted by this woman. I tried to quietly hint to Mira that her comments were probably hurtful, but she either didn’t get the hint, or she simply didn’t care.

Once the meal was over we played some games and Mira returned to her usual charming and gregarious self. By that time, the mood had been altered and I found it hard to enjoy her company, knowing what a bore she was when food was involved.

I have no problem with anyone’s dietary choices, or whatever reasons they have for making them. I would never force Mira, or any of my vegetarian friends to eat something they didn’t want to eat. I would expect the same courtesy in those friends to refrain from making an issue of my choices. I do wonder if I should have said something to Mira about her behavior. She certainly will not be invited back to my home for a meal. 0217-15

The subject of today’s post is not about the merits of vegan eating so don’t waste your time defending/criticizing that culinary option. What I will use this particular story is to illustrate how self confidence, or the lack of it, shapes behavior.

Mira’s comments reflect just how insecure she really is about her own life choices. She issues forth with critical comments and snide judgements about non-vegan food choices as a way to bolster her own very shaky, weak foundation for what she believes to be right. There is a considerable amount of emotion that Mira is using to express her negative opinions which reveals, again, how weakly she holds her convictions. People who are at peace with their life choices and their convictions are not likely to rely on emotionally charged, rude comments to others who may believe or act differently as a means to strength . It’s as if rude behavior is the concrete that shores up their foundation. We’ve all seen this behavior before…think back to middle school where girls rate, judge and express a critical judgement on the looks of others and all the while demonstrating just how insecure they are about themselves in doing so. (And therefore I would disagree with the OP’s assessment that Mira is “mature”. ) This does not excuse Mira’s behavior but as the observer, it is useful to realize that Mira has inadvertently exposed a weakness in her armor and frankly, is to be pitied.

Likewise, confident people who are secure in their choices, their beliefs and convictions walk through life not being affected emotionally in the least by opposing opinions. Guests at the above dinner parties who are happily and confidently secure in their omnivorous dining and cooking choices are not going to be emotionally drawn into being offended at anything Mira has to say. They may acknowledge that she is quite rude but her proclamations have little effect on their emotional well-being or how they react to her. In response to Mira’s gagging noises (very juvenile) and demand, “How can you eat that?”, I would have replied, “With great relish! Watch! Yumm…nom, nom, nom!” Sometime during the dinner I would have effusively complimented the turkey chef for providing such a splendidly roasted bird. And then I would have mentally dropped the issue because it is not worth my time to fret over whether Mira dislikes my food choices and I have better things to do, like enjoying my meal.

If you happen to be an observer of the “Mira Effect” (negative commentary) you have the power within you to change the mood by offering positive feedback. An example of this happened just last week when the husband and I went to dinner at a Japanese steak house for our anniversary. While grouped in the lobby waiting to be taken to our table, both DH and I realized that one diner was a blowhard and we were secretly wishing he would not be seated beside either of us. Fortunately we were at one end of the long table and he at the other and predictably he began to act like the arrogant blowhard we suspected he would be. He was jibing the chef and griping about very minor things in aloud, blustery manner and I had a momentary second of realization that this man had the potential to create an unpleasant dining experience for all us by making our chef unhappy and tense. Time to take action! My plan was to engage the chef one on one with compliments, pleasantries and gratitude because of where I was seated I was actually the closest to him. The very first time I put my plan into action, the chef caught my eye and there was a non-verbal understanding almost immediately between us because the man was looking for an ally and I was communicating to him that I was on his side. Every time a new menu item landed on my plate, I thanked him and smiled, there were times I held up forkful of food and told him, “This is delicious, you did it perfectly”, I laughed at his jokes, applauded the knife tricks he did and made sure I set the tone for the table, not Mr.BigEgo. It worked. We had a great meal, one of the best I’ve had at that restaurant, Mr. Big Ego got quieter at the meal progressed because his negativity was being drowned out by positive happiness and the chef ended his food preparations in as good a mood, or better, than when he started. Mission accomplished. Etiquette once again empowers to take control of the situation.

Be the force for good with calm, non-emotional, positive affirmation that tells the world you are a confident, secure person.

Some Comments Are Not Worth Responding To

January 6, 2015January 5, 2015admin157 Comments

This happened a few months ago. I was at a dinner with some family friends, who are the parents of my best childhood friend (let’s call her Lydia). Lydia’s mother was there, whom I am very close to, and one of her mother’s childhood friends whom I had never met. We were just having a casual chat over the remains of dinner.

I was about to head off on a solo trio around the world so I was in a pretty good mood at the time. I was talking about where I planned to go, and where I was going to spend Christmas. I should mention that Lydia and her family originally come from one of the countries I was visiting. I looked over at Lydia and said, “You should come to [home country] for Christmas! It would be awesome to be together for the holidays!” Her mother agreed and said she should come and join me. We did not, as far as I can tell, actually apply any pressure to make her come with me. They were passing comments. Which is why I was so shocked at what happened next.

Lydia drew herself up and said, right to my face and in a tone much louder than necessary given the small party of people, “Well, unlike some people, my parents don’t pay for everything I’ve ever had, so I’m not able to just ‘up and go’ whenever I want to. So no thank you to Christmas in [home country]”. This was even more insulting because my parents have not contributed one thing towards my trip, given that I am, you know, an adult, and also because I know for a fact that Lydia’s parents help her out plenty anyway, and she makes more money than I do. I know those things are beside the point but they just added to the horribleness of the moment.

There was a stunned silence. And I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know whether to move on or not, or to say something. I felt so embarrassed about her comment although later I realised the only person who should be embarrassed is actually Lydia for being so vulgar and standoffish in the first place.

The result is that I distanced myself from Lydia before I left. I’m still on my trip now but I don’t intend to invite her along to anything ever again.

So my question is: what would you do? How do you move on in social situations when someone says something so mean and hurtful, in front of people you like and also don’t know that well? Any input is definitely welcome! 1212-14

Lydia’s comment was loaded with a lot of back story. She could have been exploiting the opportunity to make a passive aggressive jab at her mother which is likely, in my opinion, given that the last person to speak on the topic was her mother. You may never know what the motivation was for Lydia’s outburst but the solution is not to defend yourself since it really is no one’s business how you fund your trips and had you responded to her, you would have looked just as petty as Lydia. Best to change the topic of discussion quickly as if the comment was never said.

People Will Fail You If You Are Too Dependent On Their Validation

November 6, 2014admin93 Comments

My husband and I recently purchased our first house. My younger brother, who is 30, never reached out to congratulate us or express one word of kindness (he has done this before, withholding excitement and well-wishes when I got engaged and then again when I got married). After a month and a half of unexplained stony silence, I found out via my mother that my brother was angry because he found out only on social media that I bought a house.

Though he never said any of this to me – I apologized extensively to him for my gaff. I made no excuses and simply fell on my sword and said I was sincerely sorry to have hurt his feelings. I asked him to please come visit our new place and share our excitement. I reached out multiple times. He has never responded. It is now nearly 3 months to the day after I closed on the house and he will not speak to me over this perceived slight.

Overall, it hurts me that he has never once been happy for me. And it hurts me that my parents see this happening and say nothing to him. The icing on the cake is that he very recently was broken up with, and I am inundated with daily reminders from my mother to please reach out to him and offer my support. I know it is petty, but I feel that it is unfair to ask me to be constantly supportive of and catering to a person who has never once shown me one shred of kindness.

When I speak up to my parents, I am told that I am overly sensitive, childish, competitive, and worst of all, heartless. Am I? 0530-14

When dealing with the family drama queens, I recommend the following…

Either acquire principles or gird up the ones you have. That means believing in what is right and wrong and having a plan of action when your line in the sand is quickly being encroached upon. I do believe it is the right thing to apologize to a drama queen when an apology is owed based on your own bad behavior but excessive and multiple groveling apologies is unnecessary. To repeatedly apologize to a drama queen is to reinforce the power they enjoy over people. And having once apologized, having principles means you understand that now the ball is in the DQ’s court and you are under no obligation to keep lobbing “balls” to their court or explaining to anyone why multiple “balls” are unnecessary.

With all due respect, OP, you are just as demanding that your brother express his emotional appreciation of your happy moments as he is about you informing him of your house purchase. You both play a petty game of having expectations of how the other sibling is supposed to react to life events. You cannot control what he thinks and believes but whether you get caught up in the childish tit-for-tat expectations of verbal confirmation is up to you. So what if he never congratulates you on buying a house or getting engaged or married? You are looking to him to meet a need in you and I can tell you that he will fail you. What makes you happy should not be dependent on other people to fulfill. Having principles means you appreciate the intrinsic value of having made good choices, doing the right thing and do not look to external sources to validate you. Was your engagement a good thing? Great! Why does whether brother approve or not matter? Was your house purchase a good thing? Why would the lack of an excitement from your brother diminish the “goodness” of having bought property with your husband?

This Spine Doesn’t Travel On Short Notice

July 31, 2014admin196 Comments

Just wanted to write and thank you. I’ve been an Etiquette Hell reader for several years and have enjoyed your stories – especially those about developing a polite spine. I recently had an opportunity to put some of your excellent advice into practice.

We live several hundred miles away from where the rest of our family lives. We can make the drive in one day, but it’s a very long, tiring day. My husband’s family, in particular, tends to not take our location into consideration when communicating about family events, such as weddings, reunions, etc. As a result, we’ve had the unpleasant experience of receiving a call telling us that something is planned for a day or weekend in the near future and they would “love for us to be there.” This throws us into panic mode trying to change existing plans and make new, last minute plans for a fairly long trip in order not to miss whatever is going on back home (a not inconsiderable effort, we have two kids and both work full time outside the home). I know, don’t say it. We’re wimpy, wimpy doormats!

So, a few months ago, my husband’s Niece calls to tell us she’s engaged and plans to be married soon. We say congratulations and be sure to let us know when you settle on a date so we can be there for you. Months go by and no word about the wedding. We did wonder off and on, but figured they had decided on a longer engagement.

A week or so ago another family member happened to be in our area and asked to meet for dinner. Talk turned, as it will, to other family members, and she asked if we were planning on attending Niece’s wedding. We stated that we hadn’t heard a thing about it. Apparently, Niece and Niece’s Mother had sent out the Save the Date announcement via Facebook. Not sure what their plan was for people not on Facebook or not friends with Niece or if they even had a plan for those people. Whatever happened, we fell through the cracks and didn’t hear about the wedding until it was less than a month away.

My husband and I discussed the situation and decided that enough was enough and we were no longer going to allow failure to plan and communicate on someone else’s part to result in panic and stress on our part. Niece’s Dad (husband’s brother), called us last night to let us know which hotel they had rooms reserved for out-of-town guests. We very politely told him that we were so sorry but, due to the short notice we had received regarding the date of the wedding, we would be unable to attend.

“What do you have going that’s more important than Niece’s wedding? She’d really like you to be there.”

“We’d really love to be there, but it’s such a long way to go on such short notice. By the way, how did that salmon fishing trip of yours go? Did you catch anything?” (Bean dipping! Thanks, E Hell!!)

He tried to pin us down a couple more times and we just kept going back to we’d love to be there, but sorry, short notice, then bean dip to something else. Eventually, he gave up. We sent our love to everyone and hung up.

We don’t have any illusions that things are going to magically change and his family will start taking the realities of distance and geography into consideration when communicating plans, but it sure feels good to know that on the day of the wedding we’ll be sitting in our backyard drinking ice tea instead of sitting at the wedding feeling exhausted from a long, unplanned trip; dreading the equally long, and doubly exhausting trip home the next day; and silently seething because we had, once again, allowed someone else to turn our lives upside down. Thanks!! 0730-14

It’s not just that the Save the Dates were issued via a Facebook status but that apparently you did not receive an actual wedding invitation in a timely fashion either. I think I would have husband call his brother and explain further that it was only by accident that you knew of the wedding at all and that with three weeks notice, that just wasn’t enough time to arrange work and other obligations to travel several hundred miles. Reiterate that you would have loved to have been there but having not received any information on the wedding, you are not prepared to travel 200-300 miles on short notice. And by all means send a lovely card congratulating them on their wedding and give a gift if you would have had you attended. Polite spines are great but family weddings can be a tricky minefield to navigate and sending a card and gift will go a long way in communicating that you still love them even as your spine stiffens.