I have an exceedingly awkward, and (for me, at least) one that is also, to put it bluntly, humiliating. And I have absolutely no idea how to handle it well, having never encountered such awful behavior EVER (maybe I’ve just been extremely lucky?).
Here is necessary background: a little over a year ago, I was briefly – for approximately two months, maybe? – romantically entangled with a guy who I will call “N”. He is in his early 40s, I was at the time 23, and I am now 24. I add the ages because I really feel that despite the age gap, out of the two of us, I handled our relationship – and actually, life at large -in a far more mature manner than he. The relationship was not healthy (he wasn’t abusive or anything, but it was just not good) and at the time I was in a very bad place, so after we’d been seeing each other for a bit I broke things off with him. I tried to do so in as peaceful and friendly manner as possible, however, N took it very badly, and in fact for at least a month after was veering toward being a stalker. Eventually he settled down, and we went our separate ways. This was May of 2012.
At the beginning of August, after having flown solo since seeing N, I (quite literally) randomly met a wonderful man – call him J – who, in horrible coincidence, just happened to be a member of a band that N is also in. I had never met or seen J while I was dating N, so this really was just a terrible coincidence. J and I started dating, and while it was clear to us that N was very jealous, he seemed to be controlling himself very well. J and I are also closer in age – he just recently turned 30. I saw N occasionally when I went to one of their band’s concerts, and (I thought, anyway) that we now had a civil acquaintance going on. Of course I was wrong! That would make things entirely too peaceful, as you will soon see.
In December, I became pregnant. It was a surprise, but J and I decided to raise our child together. When he saw me at one of their concerts, N even very sweetly congratulated me/us and said he wished us all the best. Then rather suddenly, J declared that he didn’t want me to attend any of their concerts again, since N would be there. I was confused – J knew perfectly well that I had no romantic interest in N – and after I continued poking at him, he confessed that N had (for quite some time) been making comments to J about how he hoped J was enjoying the ‘sloppy seconds’ and other equally crude and disrespectful statements, all regarding J and I’s relationship. I wanted to immediately contact N and give him what-for, but J requested I just let it be…so I grit my teeth and did so, hoping that if N continued to get no reaction he would stop.
Instead of stopping, N has now crossed a line that I find absolutely impossible to ignore. At their band practice this past week, he first greeted J by asking, “So, how’s N Jr.?”, implying that the child I am carrying is a.) Not J’s, and b). That he is still in some kind of relationship with me. J tried to play it off by reminding N that actually, our baby is a SHE, and SHE is doing just fine. N then proceeded to make a series of lewd comments involving our unborn daughter – the detail is totally inappropriate to share, but suffice to say it involved what might happen once our daughter turns 16 since that’s the age of consent….yes, it was that bad and worse.
My gut instinct is to do actual physical harm to N – it’s one thing to needle J about me. I can deal with that. But this is just….beyond unacceptable. Clearly ignoring his comments will not work, J does not want to confront N himself for a few different reasons (which are all very rational and acceptable to me), and I am just at an absolute loss as to how to handle this. Please help! I want to handle this with class, but still make it crystal clear to N that the comments WILL stop. Short of hiring a hitman (no, I’m kidding), I don’t know how. Thank you in advance for all assistance, and you have my utmost gratitude. Sorry this was so long! 0615-13
If N is as bad you claim, one wonders why J is not doing whatever is necessary to protect his family which could well include leaving the band to join another one and moving his small family a distance away. And I wonder why the other band members appear to have no influence on N’s behavior towards another band member….the band sounds dysfunctional if that kind of relationship interaction is allowed to continue. J and N go to work playing in a band yet there is no professional courtesy, civility or demeanor that this band’s members appear to uphold. Isn’t there a band leader/organizer who can control the actions and words of N because to not do so creates a hostile work environment and guarantees the band will never achieve success with so much relational strife going on.